Where do you tell people you're from? I've lived in so many places

June 17, 2020 11:30 AM

I grew up in Florida, but I don't associate myself with there and only bring it up when people ask where I'm originally from. For the question I'm asking about, it's usually a general "Where are you from?" in which case I usually say the place that I most recently lived. Is that fair? Despite living abroad and a few other places domestically, I most identify with "home" being Minneapolis although I only lived there for 27 months. It was also until recently the most recent place that I lived. But I'm now getting ready to move from Chicago to NYC. So what's an easy way to tell people where I'm from? Typically it would make sense to say Florida, but then they jump to conclusions that I moved to this place right from Florida. Or is it really as simple as saying "Oh I grew up in Florida but have lived all over"? Although I've never used that one because it invites a long conversation.
posted by signondiego to Human Relations (44 answers total)

I've used: "I grew up in GA but my dad worked for the government and we moved around a lot before that." That seems to do it.

My wife has used "I was an Air Force brat. We lived all over."

This also seems to do it, unless the other person is also a USAF brat, at which point each starts listing bases to see if they've crossed paths before. And strangely, sometimes, they have. Smol world.
posted by jquinby at 11:34 AM on June 17, 2020 [10 favorites]

When people say this (minus the racist connotations of "where are you *really* from? Because I don't think you could be from here, like I am") they're giving you an opportunity to say something about yourself and see if you might have something in common. It doesn't have to be a full rundown & it doesn't have to be the same answer every time. If you don't want to talk about Florida it's fine to say you're from Minneapolis or Chicago depending on the context.
posted by bleep at 11:37 AM on June 17, 2020 [17 favorites]

Not a practical tip or advice; but I think you will spiritually benefit from reading Amin Maloouf's 'In The Name of Identity'. I share a similar type anxiety and it helped me process it.
posted by SkinsOfCoconut at 11:37 AM on June 17, 2020 [6 favorites]

You can answer this question however you feel most comfortable. "I just moved from Chicago" and "I grew up in Florida but have lived all over" and "I grew up in Florida but am moving from Chicago" or "All over but I consider Minneapolis Home" are all completely correct and valid responses. I would choose based on which of those places/cities you'd like to be asked follow-up questions about most.
posted by brainmouse at 11:37 AM on June 17, 2020 [21 favorites]

I say "I grew up in [state] but I've bounced around a lot. How about you?" Sometimes I add "been here about 8 years," because what people in my current city really want to know is how likely I am to stick around or move on.
posted by entropyiswinning at 11:39 AM on June 17, 2020 [1 favorite]

There is no right or wrong answers to this question. And this question as phrased can mean different things depending on the context and the questioner.

"I grew up and Florida and then lived all over" seems short and accurate.
posted by mmascolino at 11:40 AM on June 17, 2020 [3 favorites]

Or is it really as simple as saying "Oh I grew up in Florida but have lived all over"?

Yep, that sounds perfect. As someone who has significant roots in three countries and four cities, that's exactly what I say.

Note, however, that if you're being asked "Where are you from?" when you are not in the city where you currently live, i.e. when you are traveling away from your current home, then the only correct answer is "I'm from [your current city]." If you are not white, you're also probably going to have to glare down any follow up questions!
posted by MiraK at 11:41 AM on June 17, 2020 [5 favorites]

It really is context dependent. I moved to Toronto about a year ago, having spent most of my life in and around Philadelphia. And Toronto is a majority-immigrant city, so when people here ask me where I'm from, I tell them Philly. But whenever I start traveling again, if I'm somewhere else and get the same question, I'll probably say Canada or Toronto. If we get deeper into conversation, then it might make sense to bring up my hometown.
posted by Ryon at 11:42 AM on June 17, 2020 [1 favorite]

I tend to say "I grew up near Chicago but have lived all over the place". People are rarely interested enough to follow up with me after that :)
posted by jabes at 11:42 AM on June 17, 2020

I usually say "I think of Minneapolis as home." If they want to get into it more, I can elaborate, but that usually satisfies people.
posted by GenjiandProust at 11:42 AM on June 17, 2020 [4 favorites]

I used to say, "Born in X, but have always been more connected to where I'm living now."
posted by Kitchen Witch at 11:44 AM on June 17, 2020

I usually say the place that I most recently lived. Is that fair?

Not to me -- I interpret this question as not where you were born, and certainly not where have you lived recently, but Where did you grow up?

If you're nowhere near that place now, you're allowed to be a little fuzzy, geographically. In my case I was born in Washington DC but grew up in the suburbs, near the Beltway. Here in California hardly anybody's aware of the specific differences between MD, NoVa and DC so I say I'm from DC and that's enough.

'Cause if I said I'm from Maryland, they might assume I mean Baltimore (shudder)
posted by Rash at 11:45 AM on June 17, 2020 [3 favorites]

Unless the person asking you this question is asking it in some kind of legal or employment capacity, in which your answers may be fact-checked, you can say whatever the hell you want, in my opinion.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 11:47 AM on June 17, 2020 [8 favorites]

Home is where the heart is. If that’s Minneapolis then say that. Most people won’t as for more info anyway.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:49 AM on June 17, 2020

I interpret the question as asking where you grew up, mostly. But I might not answer it that way depending on my mood, the other people involved in conversation, the general vibe, whatever.

I grew up in Florida but have lived all over would be the answer I'd expect to see the most, and it's accurate but not going overboard with your life history.
posted by gaspode at 11:49 AM on June 17, 2020

Or is it really as simple as saying "Oh I grew up in Florida but have lived all over"? Although I've never used that one because it invites a long conversation.

Reverse the order - "all over, but [thing about the place you want to talk about]." My mom was born in Washington, lived in Long Island til maybe 5, Florida from then until high school, and North Carolina since then. So to a fellow North Carolinian it might be "I'm from all over but I've lived here since high school," to a New Yorker it might be "I'm from all over but I lived in Long Island as a kid," etc. Adjust as desired. You could also say "all over, but most recently Minneapolis."

Just put some kind of "but" in there, because that's how you head off the follow-up questions. Just "all over" is so vague that people will be compelled to find out more, even though that's kind of rude of them. And ending with "all over" calls attention to the "all over" part, so end with the part you want to stick with them.
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:55 AM on June 17, 2020 [5 favorites]

I usually say the place that I most recently lived.

I don't think this answers the question they asked. You're from Florida according to the facts you gave.

If you want to say something accurate without mentioning Florida, you could say, "I spent __ years in __, and then I moved here" but again, I don't think this answers their question.

Typically it would make sense to say Florida, but then they jump to conclusions that I moved to this place right from Florida.

I don't think they jump to this conclusion.

Try "I grew up in Florida until I was ___ [age]." Don't bother with "but I've lived all over", because that's the part that invites the long conversation you want to avoid.

See also brainmouse, supra.
posted by JimN2TAW at 12:04 PM on June 17, 2020 [2 favorites]

I go with something along the lines of:

"All over, but the place I...

spent the longest /
liked best /
finished school, and where my parents still live /
spent the biggest part of my childhood

is..."

Or "All over, but I'm from here now!"
posted by ManyLeggedCreature at 12:12 PM on June 17, 2020 [2 favorites]

I grew up in South Florida, moved to Chicago for a bunch of years then New York. So I really do commend you on your excellent life choices and give you permission tell people whatever you'd like.

I am a New York resident. Were I travelling and someone asked where I was from, I'd tell them I'm from New York.

If I were in New York, however, and someone asked where I was from, I would probably say "Originally, Florida." Or, depending on the context, I would probably tell them the place I most recently moved from. If they were actually interested, I might tell them "I lived in Chicago and New New Jersey for a bunch of years too"

If anyone has a problem with the fact that I grew up in Florida, well, there's plenty of reasons why I left and am not moving back. Nice place to visit, know what I mean?
posted by voiceofreason at 12:18 PM on June 17, 2020 [2 favorites]

If you spent your childhood in Florida then I think the only honest answer to the question is Florida. Answering that question with Minneapolis, to my ears, is a falsehood

If I were you I would dodge the question altogether (like stoneweaver says) or say something banal like "I grew up in Florida, left when I went to college" or whatever.
posted by crazy with stars at 12:19 PM on June 17, 2020

I say, "I'm originally from Louisiana, but I've been here almost 12 years now. How about you?" If I feel like they're actually interested in my backstory for some reason, I might change the second half of the sentence to "but I lived in DC for several years after college, and now I've been here for more than a decade."

If you've lived more than about 3 places, I think it's totally fine to say "I grew up in Florida but have lived all over." If you add "How about you" right after that, then it volleys the conversation back to them, and won't trigger a long explanation from you unless they really want one for some reason, in which case they'll bring it back up later.
posted by slenderloris at 12:22 PM on June 17, 2020

In casual conversation? I think any answer you give is fine. I agree with bleep, barring someone being a jerk people are just opening the door for you to share some information about yourself.

And even if they mean specifically where did you grow up (in which case they could ask that specific question), you don't have to share that information. And I say this as someone who identifies as from where I grew up. But not everyone feels the same way for a variety of reasons. So share the information you want to share:

I just moved from X (Chicago, the Midwest, Great Lakes).
I've been around, but Minneapolis feels most like home/is where my heart is.
I go home to X for the holidays (if relevant).
All over.
I am from this planet (a former professor's favorite answer).

I've known people who identified as being from Y state, where there parents are from but they themselves actually spent very little time living there (but usually a lot of time visiting). So that's an option if you feel similarly. And when the full scope eventually came out after everyone got to know each other better no one ever batted an eye.
posted by ghost phoneme at 12:24 PM on June 17, 2020 [1 favorite]

For me, it would be "I lived in Richmond, Va. for most of my childhood but I've been here (DC area) for 17 years now."

(Also, my immediate family -- my brother and my mom -- are in Michigan. I have never lived there -- my brother moved for a job & got married, my mom decided it was as good of a place as any 10 years later -- and this was always incredibly hard for some coworkers to understand so eventually I just agreed that yes, I was from Michigan.)
posted by darksong at 12:28 PM on June 17, 2020

If it helps ease any anxiety you might have about this issue, I'll* just point out that a lot of native New Yorkers' eyes will glaze over if you specify the exact city or state you're from. If you sound like a US-ian, they're mostly just trying to figure out if you're from one of three places: the Midwest, the West Coast, or somewhere Down South. I'm only half joking. But definitely don't feel like you need to answer such a question with any specificity. Or at all, really.

*Someone who grew up in the Twin Cities, has lived in a few other places, and considers himself a New Yorker.
posted by theory at 12:28 PM on June 17, 2020 [4 favorites]

In a place like NYC, where lots of people come from somewhere else, that question often means "where did you move here from?"
posted by Ragged Richard at 12:50 PM on June 17, 2020 [1 favorite]

"Oh I grew up in Florida but have lived all over" is fine and most people won't care enough to ask more questions unless you act shady about it. I know someone who is always interrogated when she answers "where are you from" with I recently lived in [Japanese city], but no one cares when she says that she was born in Ohio.

I am a proud Californian, from California (Go Dodgers maybe not this year), yet I recently had someone tell me that since I have spent more of my adult life in Japan or the UK than in California, I can't say I'm from California. In all of my years of bouncing around, this was the first time I've ever heard "where are you from" mean something other than "where did you grow up", and honestly I think wine shop guy was corona bored and wanted to argue about something.

(As a POC, I've heard the racist version of "where are you from" more times than I can count, but that's a different issue.)
posted by betweenthebars at 12:53 PM on June 17, 2020 [3 favorites]

For a long time, I thought I had to answer questions like this according to some standard of honesty and completeness. You seem to be worried about that too, about what you're "allowed" to say, and what's "fair." But here's the thing: you're not testifying in court, you're telling a story about your life. You can say whatever the fuck you want.
posted by medusa at 1:10 PM on June 17, 2020 [8 favorites]

In a social context, most people ask this question to find a way to connect with you and keep up the conversation. So pick the place you’d want to talk about. “Where are you from?” “Minneapolis.” “Oh, I was just there for work last month.” “Oh, where did you stay? I used to live near blah blah blah.”

If it turns out the other person is from Florida, or if they ask where you went to school in MN, you can always add “I spent a lot of my childhood in FL.”
posted by sallybrown at 1:12 PM on June 17, 2020 [4 favorites]

Say whatever feels most likely to reveal yourself to the degree you want to be revealed -- whatever is most meaningful or interesting, your choice, if you want to give the asker a chance to know you.
posted by amtho at 1:17 PM on June 17, 2020 [1 favorite]

I've lived in Brooklyn for almost 25 years, so that's where I'm from as far as I'm concerned. I answer "where are you from?" with "I live in Brooklyn," and if they follow that up with "where did you grow up?" I answer "DC Suburbs," "near Rockville," or "Aspen Hill" depending on how familiar they seem to be with the DC area.
posted by Ampersand692 at 1:23 PM on June 17, 2020

There’s no right answer of course. I think people generally mean where did you grow up but I don’t like where I grew up that much so I either give some long winded answer about having lived a lot of places or just say Texas because Austin is my spiritual home. If I were traveling and someone asked, I’d assume they wanted to know where I currently lived and I’d say “I live in California” but not “I’m from California” because I strongly dislike California and it’s a distinction I am welcome to have a slightly cumbersome conversation to be clear about the fact it is not my home.
posted by less of course at 2:24 PM on June 17, 2020 [2 favorites]

My answer varies a ton based on what I want to convey to the person asking.

If I want them to know more about me for reals:
"I've lived in many different cities, but I just recently moved back to Seattle from London, though I'm from LA originally"

If I want them to understand why I talk exactly like Drew Barrymore:
"I live in Seattle, but I grew up in LA"

If I just want to answer the question and be done:
"I live in Seattle."
posted by pazazygeek at 2:50 PM on June 17, 2020 [2 favorites]

You could say, "Florida, by way of X, Y, and Z, but Minneapolis feels most like home. I really like the cheese curds there. Do you like cheese curds?" Transitioning directly into a new subject may deter fifteen follow-up questions.
posted by zennie at 3:10 PM on June 17, 2020 [1 favorite]

People generally ask this question for three reasons, so your answer depends on why you think they're asking...and how much you want to share.

1) The above-mentioned, racist, "where are you REALLY from?" can be ignored, eye-rolled, dealt with snarkily, or whatever, as you prefer.

2) If you have an accent, people love to try to peg where someone sounds like to where they are from. In the US, I don't sound like I am from anywhere. Nobody ever guesses right, not even people from where I'm from. I mainly get, the question because they mean, "You're not from around here, are you?" I'm obviously not from HERE, but I don't sound like I'm from anywhere except maybe old-fashioned TV. If that seems to be it, I'd say, "I'm from Western New York, but I grew up in the suburbs, so I don't have a Buffalo accent. Plus, I've lived in the south for more than half my life."

3) They want to connect. Some kind of commonality in what you describe about where you're from could help them in making a connection. In which case, mention the places that are important to you, the places you care about.

If I'm not interested in conversation, I generally say where I grew up and where I live now. If I'm interested in more, which I usually am, because I'm talkative, I tell people that I'm from suburban Buffalo, that I've lived in Chattanooga for 22 years, and that I've lived in six cities, basically in two "triangles" -- one in New York State and one in the south." If they're southern, I talk about the three cities where I've lived down here.

You can share whatever (as much or as little) as you want, and if you can't figure out why they're asking, then yes, "I grew up in X, have lived all over the country, and now I happily live here" or some version of that should suffice. Then you get to ask them.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 3:30 PM on June 17, 2020 [1 favorite]

Nobody cares what the answers to questions like this actually are. It's just an invitation to make small talk and, with any luck, discover some commonality that propels the conversation forward. There's no accuracy requirement. Just give an answer the points the conversation in a direction you're comfortable with. "Florida originally" is fine, if you don't mind chatting about Florida.
posted by fingersandtoes at 4:40 PM on June 17, 2020 [1 favorite]

I actually think this is an unsolvable problem, or at least it has been for me. The answer people think they want from you is Florida, but they will then assume that a) you parents live in Florida, b) your non-local social connections are in Florida and c) you lived in Florida recently, or at the very least have set foot there recently. And then you have to explain that, no, you haven't lived there since age 18 (or whatever). Or you say Minneapolis or Chicago because that seems to be what they're asking and they assume you grew up there.

I know many people have said "no one cares, they're just making small talk", but I either end up letting people assume random things about me (I recently discovered my manager thinks I grew up in Minnesota--I lived there exactly as long as it took to do a PhD) or have to clarify that they're just wrong. I do usually say Chicago, but some non-trivial percentage of the time, someone then tries to make small talk by saying "Oh, when did you last go back?", I say "2013" and then it's awkward. Not my fault they assume the parent who wants me to come visit didn't move! Or they want to ask what it's like to live there and I have to explain that I don't know, I've never lived there as an adult.

In NYC, I think "I grew up in Florida, but was living in Chicago before moving here" will work. Your coworkers will still think you grew up in Chicago and everyone will assume those are the only two places you've lived, but it's the least friction solution for casual interaction.
posted by hoyland at 6:13 PM on June 17, 2020 [2 favorites]

Yeah I guess it does depend on how many conversations you will be having with the person after this one. If it's someone you'll be speaking with often (like a coworker or roommate) it makes sense to give them a more accurate version to prevent awkward follow ups later, and it's more acceptable to give someone like that more detail than someone you're just seeing at a party or something.
posted by bleep at 6:23 PM on June 17, 2020 [1 favorite]

My usual is "I was a Navy brat and then mostly grew up near Boston, then went to college at ---and law school at --- before I eventually moved here." Sometimes I just say "I've lived here since ---." I'm aiming for informative but short.
posted by bearwife at 6:52 PM on June 17, 2020

My personal experience tracks most closely with medusa and hoyland's responses.

My impression is that this question is usually intended as harmless conversational filler.* People expect a simple answer; "I grew up in X and now live in Y". But often the answer isn't that simple, or people have reasons for not wanting to go into detail about their history, and for them the question is fraught or intrusive or makes them uncomfortable. And for those who see it as a simple question any resistance or hesitation to giving an answer is seen as strange, or suspicious.

I've got two passports, have lived in probably a dozen places (maybe more, depending on how you define 'lived') and been a proper nomad for a time. I had immigrant parents and didn't feel much connection to the place I grew up, and don't identify with it at all. For quite a while I struggled with this question, and how to give an honest answer while still respecting my privacy and discouraging further inquiry, until I realised two things: 90% of the people asking didn't really care about the answer, and perhaps more importantly, I don't owe anybody the answer they expect.

For most people that question is either idle small talk or a nosy intrusion. Some are asking because they see a signifier which shows you as being not originally from the place where you are, be that legitimate (language or accent, say) or illegitimate ('wrong' colour), and it sparks curiosity. Sometimes it's a type of cultural policing. On rare occasions people are actually legitimately interested. And for each of these people the 'right' answer will probably be different.

When I finally figured this out, and realised that I owed nobody a 'right' answer, I started responding with something vague -- "that's a long story", "too many places to count", "all over" -- or simply with "most recently $LOCATION". Those answers satisfy most peoples' curiosity, and signals to those with tact that I'm not interested in answering further. If they pursue the question they're probably not someone I want to expend much energy on. If we get to know each other further it leaves me the opportunity to elaborate when I choose to do so. And it gives me control over my narrative.

*I'm white European in appearance; if I were a POC I'd imagine my impression could be quite different.
posted by myotahapea at 12:56 AM on June 18, 2020 [1 favorite]

I also grew up in many places, and have lived in many countries as an adult. I always answer that I am from Hawaii. It's where I spent a big chunk of my childhood. It's good as a conversation starter. It communicates that I am from the US, which is usually what the person wants to know, but it does so on my terms, which is important to me.
posted by Nothing at 8:35 AM on June 18, 2020

I've lived in a number of places, but when people ask me where I'm from, I name the city I spent my childhood in (age 8-18), which still feels like home in a way that places I may have spent longer in don't.
posted by unicorn chaser at 9:02 AM on June 18, 2020

"Grew up in x, right now I live in y." Short and sweet for us nomadic types. If it turns out the person you're talking to has a place in common with you it's fun to talk about that.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 9:43 AM on June 18, 2020

Nobody cares what the answers to questions like this actually are. It's just an invitation to make small talk

Small talk, yes. But nobody cares? Not true at all. In the US, the stereotype is of geographical ignorance and indifference to elsewhere, and if for example you're a native New Yorker you might have that Saul Steinberg perspective of otherwhere; but if you're part of the cohort that moves about, and is from somewhere else, 'Where you're from' can be a way more fun and productive topic for small talk than, say, 'Did you see the game last night.'
posted by Rash at 9:06 AM on June 19, 2020

"I'm not really from anywhere, I moved around a lot growing up."
posted by bendy at 11:21 PM on June 19, 2020