Depression and Seeking Help
June 15, 2020 6:11 AM Subscribe
How do I tell my fiancé when he already has enough going on?
Many of you have seen my last question suspecting I have depression. I honestly have put it off because it seemed to be getting better but then over the weekend I had a very bad episode where my emotions were really getting to me. I think of of the triggers is being alone for some time by myself with my thoughts.
I finally made a doctor appointment with my general doctor for a virtual visit as a start. The weekend really scared me to how I was feeling. What’s worse is I don’t know how to open up to anyone in my family because I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about how I feel and doubt they understand (except one sister who had depression). I was planning to tell my fiancé but then he told me how his sister called him in a crisis because she has depression and wanted to kill herself. She is getting help now but I feel like not even wanting to tell him anymore because it’s more weight on his shoulders. But I also don’t want to keep anything from him.
Many of you have seen my last question suspecting I have depression. I honestly have put it off because it seemed to be getting better but then over the weekend I had a very bad episode where my emotions were really getting to me. I think of of the triggers is being alone for some time by myself with my thoughts.
I finally made a doctor appointment with my general doctor for a virtual visit as a start. The weekend really scared me to how I was feeling. What’s worse is I don’t know how to open up to anyone in my family because I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about how I feel and doubt they understand (except one sister who had depression). I was planning to tell my fiancé but then he told me how his sister called him in a crisis because she has depression and wanted to kill herself. She is getting help now but I feel like not even wanting to tell him anymore because it’s more weight on his shoulders. But I also don’t want to keep anything from him.
It doesn’t have to be a huge deal. If anything, the part about his sister having suicidal thoughts is the perfect opening. I would say something like: “I admit that I’m also having issues with depression. And I want to seek help before it gets worse”
On preview: what mekily said
posted by Neekee at 6:19 AM on June 15, 2020 [1 favorite]
On preview: what mekily said
posted by Neekee at 6:19 AM on June 15, 2020 [1 favorite]
I backspaced out my answer because the first two nailed it. This family crisis is actually a great opportunity to reassure him you’re taking care of yourself.
posted by michaelh at 6:21 AM on June 15, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by michaelh at 6:21 AM on June 15, 2020 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Maybe be suspects it. He’s been trying to have me get out the house more because I’ve been working from home due to Covid. Also, when talking to his sister another depression, I told him about it and he asked once if I feel like that sometimes and I answered somewhat truthfully but really tried to underplay it where it seemed it was no big deal. Honestly, he might not know either because I push through my feelings to try to make it normal. Being with him or around people helps it feel alittle better so it may not be so obvious. I guess I will go ahead and tell him. I’m alittle embarrassed to.
posted by Asian_Hunnie at 6:23 AM on June 15, 2020
posted by Asian_Hunnie at 6:23 AM on June 15, 2020
your fiance should be the one person you can tell when you can't tell anyone else. and you shouldn't be embarrassed. if you want to marry this person you need to open up to them about your struggles and your desire to get better. if they want to marry you, they should want to help in whatever capacity they can/you want.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 6:38 AM on June 15, 2020 [14 favorites]
posted by misanthropicsarah at 6:38 AM on June 15, 2020 [14 favorites]
The hesitancy and fear you are feeling that's keeping you from telling him is part of the depression, and part of why it is so insidious. It's excellent that you're seeking treatment, and with your followup I see you've decided to talk to him about it and I'm glad.
One way that depression can lead to thoughts of suicide is how effectively the doubts that depression generates can sever us from reaching out. It isolates us. Talking to your fiance about your struggles will actively connect you back with him, and stave off some of that isolation. I am willing to bet he has his suspicions, even if you are able to act more upbeat around him, and talking about the actions you're taking (and how including him is one such action) will give him a clear way to support you.
posted by Mizu at 6:39 AM on June 15, 2020 [6 favorites]
One way that depression can lead to thoughts of suicide is how effectively the doubts that depression generates can sever us from reaching out. It isolates us. Talking to your fiance about your struggles will actively connect you back with him, and stave off some of that isolation. I am willing to bet he has his suspicions, even if you are able to act more upbeat around him, and talking about the actions you're taking (and how including him is one such action) will give him a clear way to support you.
posted by Mizu at 6:39 AM on June 15, 2020 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you. Hopefully I find something that helps me feel better.
posted by Asian_Hunnie at 6:45 AM on June 15, 2020
posted by Asian_Hunnie at 6:45 AM on June 15, 2020
I feel like not even wanting to tell him anymore because it’s more weight on his shoulders. But I also don’t want to keep anything from him.
You're proactively seeking help and presumably not suicidal. I suspect this will be a relief, not a burden. This is no more a "burden" than if you were having stomach problems or knee issues and were going to see a doctor about those.
The weight is on your shoulders and you want it lifted. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. Even if the world were all puppies and rainbows and you were feeling depressed, there should be no embarrassment about seeking help. In fact, you should feel proud that you were able to identify a problem and are taking steps to solve it! That's a positive thing to do! People who feel otherwise are uninformed or jerks and you can freely ignore them.
The world right now is, sadly, not puppies and rainbows. So many of us are having a hard time (including me) and seeking help (including me) and I refuse to be embarrassed by this or judge (negatively, anyway) anyone else for it.
posted by jzb at 6:52 AM on June 15, 2020 [7 favorites]
You're proactively seeking help and presumably not suicidal. I suspect this will be a relief, not a burden. This is no more a "burden" than if you were having stomach problems or knee issues and were going to see a doctor about those.
The weight is on your shoulders and you want it lifted. There's nothing to be embarrassed about. Even if the world were all puppies and rainbows and you were feeling depressed, there should be no embarrassment about seeking help. In fact, you should feel proud that you were able to identify a problem and are taking steps to solve it! That's a positive thing to do! People who feel otherwise are uninformed or jerks and you can freely ignore them.
The world right now is, sadly, not puppies and rainbows. So many of us are having a hard time (including me) and seeking help (including me) and I refuse to be embarrassed by this or judge (negatively, anyway) anyone else for it.
posted by jzb at 6:52 AM on June 15, 2020 [7 favorites]
Hi fiance - it's hard to tell you this because I know you already have a lot on your mind, but I don't want to keep it from you. I've been struggling with depression, and I made an appointment with the doctor to get some help. Here's the kind of help I would appreciate right now: support in getting out of the house more often, (whatever else would help you).
You'd want to know if your fiance was struggling, right? Telling them is the right thing. Good luck to you <3
There are online communities, like 7 cups of tea, if you need more support and don't feel comfortable reaching out to your family (besides your fiance).
posted by bunderful at 7:22 AM on June 15, 2020 [4 favorites]
You'd want to know if your fiance was struggling, right? Telling them is the right thing. Good luck to you <3
There are online communities, like 7 cups of tea, if you need more support and don't feel comfortable reaching out to your family (besides your fiance).
posted by bunderful at 7:22 AM on June 15, 2020 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you. I’ll check 7 cups out as wel.
posted by Asian_Hunnie at 8:47 AM on June 15, 2020
posted by Asian_Hunnie at 8:47 AM on June 15, 2020
Well done for organising that doctor's appointment. That's not easy to do when you are struggling with psychological pain. And I hope you find the courage to tell your fiance that you need help. These are such important steps to take. When you see the doctor, and who ever else you tell, guard against the temptation to minimise how you are feeling. You deserve to be helped.
posted by Zumbador at 9:23 AM on June 15, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by Zumbador at 9:23 AM on June 15, 2020 [1 favorite]
I think it’s really important knowledge that your fiancé is the kind of person a suicidal sibling would call for help. That’s a vote of confidence from an informed person. Also, when he told you, wasn’t he telling you (consciously or unconsciously) that it was an okay thing to do? He still loves and respects his sister, right?
And you aren’t depending on him to save you; you yourself are finding professional help. That sounds like a really healthy relationship.
posted by clew at 9:53 AM on June 15, 2020 [5 favorites]
And you aren’t depending on him to save you; you yourself are finding professional help. That sounds like a really healthy relationship.
posted by clew at 9:53 AM on June 15, 2020 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: He was surprised she reached out to him instead of their older sister (who she seems more closer to) because he feels he never knows what to say other than that he’s there for her if he need to talk. Thanks all for the encouraging words.
posted by Asian_Hunnie at 11:46 AM on June 15, 2020
posted by Asian_Hunnie at 11:46 AM on June 15, 2020
Response by poster: If anyone is curious the doctor asked me some questions that they use to screen depression. He told me it sounds more like mood swings and mild depression. The fact that I’m able to go on throughout the day and some days feel fine seems like I’m handling it well and don’t need medication but to reach out if I get stuck in that “hole”. I don’t understand it myself. I feel okay some days like now but then I’ll have episodes.
posted by Asian_Hunnie at 11:09 AM on June 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by Asian_Hunnie at 11:09 AM on June 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
If you are not considering suicide, you should tell him that — that concern will probably be fresh in his mind due to his sister’s crisis, so if you can reassure him about that, all the better.
posted by mekily at 6:18 AM on June 15, 2020 [8 favorites]