Toxic community - please share stories of hope
June 14, 2020 1:13 AM Subscribe
I'm currently struggling with toxicity and emotional abuse targeted at myself but mostly my spouse and would appreciate uplifting success stories to see me through it.
I work somewhere *extremely* isolated and toxic among a tiny community with a history of extensive trauma. There's historically deep suspicion and hostility of outsiders who come here to work. I can't be too specific because it'd be very easy to identify where I am if I did. Please forgive the rambliness and length and please be kind: I'm super vulnerable right now.
We've been here a couple of years and on balance, considering the history and past patterns of interactions, I know that we're doing a decent job at emotional processing, taking care of ourselves, trying to be kind and empathetic to others, and maintaining good relationships. We never gossip. When people are negative about others we change the subject, shut conversations down, redirect, offer a positive perspective, etc. We always treat others as politely and kindly as we can. When people are venting their feelings, we listen. We try really hard to be positive in all our interactions. When people make digs, or try to escalate situations, we de-escalate, we try not to react but to listen and understand. As a result, we do generally manage to redirect conversations in more positive ways and maintain a shared sense of humanity. But this takes a constant and relentless amount of emotional labour because people are locked in a pattern of venting their uncensored, negative feelings in a way that feels dehumanising. There is a pattern of blaming and faulting "the other" and of treating gossip as truth. Unfortunately, gossip here can be malicious.
Right now, both myself and my spouse have been subject to accusations and name-calling that are untrue and are based, as far as I can tell, on gossipy and very possibly drunken conversations that must have started with snippets of half-understood half-truths. The persons behind these have very valid reasons to have a number of strong emotions which they've now projected onto us. It's really hard to be treated with this much vitriol over hurtful and untrue claims.
It's been two years of constant, daily emotional labour and I don't want to end up angry and bitter. People here are carrying a lot of pain and suffering and I can't pretend to understand that. Myself (not my spouse) do have a family history of neglect and emotional abuse and I've only come to recognise that I was raised by an emotional abusive mother a couple of years ago (yes, just as I was arriving here to work). I've done a huge amount of work to process my family background over the last two decades and if anything, it's given me more sympathy and understanding. But there's also a child in me that wants to creep up inside a hole and hide forever, retreat to that haven of feelingness depression that defined my early twenties. I know I won't. And I know I'll be fine. But it's an added layer of self-care: soothing that child, telling the child they're safe, that they're worthy of love and of being liked in a place where no one is my friend except for my spouse. I'm tired.
We already eat well, exercise, and sleep well. We recognise and feel grateful for our opportunities, the lessons we're learning, the privilege of our lives. But I'm struggling a little bit to feel grateful in the moment. I just want to escape. Leaving is not an option right now and I can't go anywhere; just not physically possible. I know this will pass but in the meantime, I'm here desperately trying not to vilify people and not to switch off my empathy. Could you share stories of what's helped you in your life, after or during difficult times? Thank you for reading and thank you for taking the time to answer, in what is already a deeply difficult time for so many of us.
I work somewhere *extremely* isolated and toxic among a tiny community with a history of extensive trauma. There's historically deep suspicion and hostility of outsiders who come here to work. I can't be too specific because it'd be very easy to identify where I am if I did. Please forgive the rambliness and length and please be kind: I'm super vulnerable right now.
We've been here a couple of years and on balance, considering the history and past patterns of interactions, I know that we're doing a decent job at emotional processing, taking care of ourselves, trying to be kind and empathetic to others, and maintaining good relationships. We never gossip. When people are negative about others we change the subject, shut conversations down, redirect, offer a positive perspective, etc. We always treat others as politely and kindly as we can. When people are venting their feelings, we listen. We try really hard to be positive in all our interactions. When people make digs, or try to escalate situations, we de-escalate, we try not to react but to listen and understand. As a result, we do generally manage to redirect conversations in more positive ways and maintain a shared sense of humanity. But this takes a constant and relentless amount of emotional labour because people are locked in a pattern of venting their uncensored, negative feelings in a way that feels dehumanising. There is a pattern of blaming and faulting "the other" and of treating gossip as truth. Unfortunately, gossip here can be malicious.
Right now, both myself and my spouse have been subject to accusations and name-calling that are untrue and are based, as far as I can tell, on gossipy and very possibly drunken conversations that must have started with snippets of half-understood half-truths. The persons behind these have very valid reasons to have a number of strong emotions which they've now projected onto us. It's really hard to be treated with this much vitriol over hurtful and untrue claims.
It's been two years of constant, daily emotional labour and I don't want to end up angry and bitter. People here are carrying a lot of pain and suffering and I can't pretend to understand that. Myself (not my spouse) do have a family history of neglect and emotional abuse and I've only come to recognise that I was raised by an emotional abusive mother a couple of years ago (yes, just as I was arriving here to work). I've done a huge amount of work to process my family background over the last two decades and if anything, it's given me more sympathy and understanding. But there's also a child in me that wants to creep up inside a hole and hide forever, retreat to that haven of feelingness depression that defined my early twenties. I know I won't. And I know I'll be fine. But it's an added layer of self-care: soothing that child, telling the child they're safe, that they're worthy of love and of being liked in a place where no one is my friend except for my spouse. I'm tired.
We already eat well, exercise, and sleep well. We recognise and feel grateful for our opportunities, the lessons we're learning, the privilege of our lives. But I'm struggling a little bit to feel grateful in the moment. I just want to escape. Leaving is not an option right now and I can't go anywhere; just not physically possible. I know this will pass but in the meantime, I'm here desperately trying not to vilify people and not to switch off my empathy. Could you share stories of what's helped you in your life, after or during difficult times? Thank you for reading and thank you for taking the time to answer, in what is already a deeply difficult time for so many of us.
I wish you had a hundred answers already with wonderful suggestions. In the meantime, what helps me are being able to vent to people who unequivocally have my back (do you have friend outside the community the you can email?) and music.
posted by slidell at 4:59 AM on June 14, 2020
posted by slidell at 4:59 AM on June 14, 2020
I'm so sorry, this really sucks.
Are there any people in your community who aren't part of the toxic gossip? Lean in to those relationships.
Are there any community leaders who might be able to help defuse the situation?
And maintain close contact with people in any location who love and support you. We need community, and if right now that can't happen with people in proximity, then strengthen your ties with long-distance friends and family. It's hard right now, but it does help.
I'm guessing you already have a therapist, but if not that might be a way to get some support right now.
Instead of trying to maintain empathy with the gossipers, might neutrality be less emotional labor and still effective?
posted by bunderful at 6:25 AM on June 14, 2020
Are there any people in your community who aren't part of the toxic gossip? Lean in to those relationships.
Are there any community leaders who might be able to help defuse the situation?
And maintain close contact with people in any location who love and support you. We need community, and if right now that can't happen with people in proximity, then strengthen your ties with long-distance friends and family. It's hard right now, but it does help.
I'm guessing you already have a therapist, but if not that might be a way to get some support right now.
Instead of trying to maintain empathy with the gossipers, might neutrality be less emotional labor and still effective?
posted by bunderful at 6:25 AM on June 14, 2020
Make lists of facts about why and how you are lovable, worthy and undeserving of abuse. Review them frequently.
Neutrality isn't working well enough. Gossip: N is so mean; they did BadThing.
You: Gosh, such difficult things happen in this town, how can we help people feel better and heal?
You: There's been so much trauma; how has that affected *you*?
You: There's so much strife here. I've been the subject of vicious rumors, and it's pretty damaging.
I don't think it will make serious change, but might deflect a small amount of crap. If you can plan an exit, that's where I'd put energy. And watch escapist tv - travel videos are good.
posted by theora55 at 6:52 AM on June 14, 2020
Neutrality isn't working well enough. Gossip: N is so mean; they did BadThing.
You: Gosh, such difficult things happen in this town, how can we help people feel better and heal?
You: There's been so much trauma; how has that affected *you*?
You: There's so much strife here. I've been the subject of vicious rumors, and it's pretty damaging.
I don't think it will make serious change, but might deflect a small amount of crap. If you can plan an exit, that's where I'd put energy. And watch escapist tv - travel videos are good.
posted by theora55 at 6:52 AM on June 14, 2020
I honestly would recommend reading great and hopeful books of whichever genre you love, watching comedies, and if space and time permits, a garden or a puppy. Expand the borders of your mind and foster non-human growth around you.
posted by warriorqueen at 6:53 AM on June 14, 2020
posted by warriorqueen at 6:53 AM on June 14, 2020
Who do you turn to for your community and for your social needs in normal times? If you are working in service of people who are suspicious of you, and especially if it is your responsibility to carry the emotional burden of maintaining relationships with hostile people in the ways that you describe (re-directing, de-escalating, not taking their bait, never able to fully relax and be yourself with them), that makes mutual relationships between you and them impossible - and indeed, inappropriate.
Who has been your tribe while you have been working here? If the answer is "nobody", then IMO there is your answer. You need peers who are on a level with you, folks you don't have to take care of, around whom you can let your guard down and be honestly your own self, saying what you think without worrying it will shatter them. You need a real support system.
Where can you find one? Is there a professional organization you belong to? Can you join online support groups? Can you call friends and family on the phone regularly?
posted by MiraK at 10:55 AM on June 14, 2020
Who has been your tribe while you have been working here? If the answer is "nobody", then IMO there is your answer. You need peers who are on a level with you, folks you don't have to take care of, around whom you can let your guard down and be honestly your own self, saying what you think without worrying it will shatter them. You need a real support system.
Where can you find one? Is there a professional organization you belong to? Can you join online support groups? Can you call friends and family on the phone regularly?
posted by MiraK at 10:55 AM on June 14, 2020
I like all of the suggestions that have been made so far.
Here's mine: How about requesting short, funny, supportive messages from friends, and from family members with whom you feel OK being vulnerable?
Emailed messages would have the advantage of getting there quickly. Snail mailed messages would be more lasting, you could put them up where you could see them, and you can access them without turning on a computer, which is just one more thing that saps my personal bandwidth when I'm feeling drained.
I don't know how comfortable you feel asking for this kind of support. But I'd be glad to regularly send out "thinking of you" cards, if someone I loved were far away, and told me, "I'm kind of down right now -- it would make me feel better if I got some personal mail every week." (In the Before Times, when I'd spend hours in bookstores, I was always buying cards that made me laugh, or ones that I thought were pretty.)
Phone calls replenish me when I'm in the right mood. But as a single person who struggles with depression, when I'm really low, I feel like I have to be "on" and entertaining during conversation. A funny card, on the other hand, would nurture me and build me up so that I'd be ready to talk on the phone again.
posted by virago at 12:19 PM on June 14, 2020
Here's mine: How about requesting short, funny, supportive messages from friends, and from family members with whom you feel OK being vulnerable?
Emailed messages would have the advantage of getting there quickly. Snail mailed messages would be more lasting, you could put them up where you could see them, and you can access them without turning on a computer, which is just one more thing that saps my personal bandwidth when I'm feeling drained.
I don't know how comfortable you feel asking for this kind of support. But I'd be glad to regularly send out "thinking of you" cards, if someone I loved were far away, and told me, "I'm kind of down right now -- it would make me feel better if I got some personal mail every week." (In the Before Times, when I'd spend hours in bookstores, I was always buying cards that made me laugh, or ones that I thought were pretty.)
Phone calls replenish me when I'm in the right mood. But as a single person who struggles with depression, when I'm really low, I feel like I have to be "on" and entertaining during conversation. A funny card, on the other hand, would nurture me and build me up so that I'd be ready to talk on the phone again.
posted by virago at 12:19 PM on June 14, 2020
Your anger shows you where your boundaries are. Agree with the suggestions to dial back the emotional labor you’re doing and also consider telling people a little bit less about yourself. Figure out what boundaries you can draw so you’re less likely to feel angry and bitter later.
Can you talk to other people who worked with this community, even if they quit in ignominy? Hearing what others went through might help depersonalize this and give you information on what to expect when it dies down.
posted by momus_window at 7:48 PM on June 14, 2020 [3 favorites]
Can you talk to other people who worked with this community, even if they quit in ignominy? Hearing what others went through might help depersonalize this and give you information on what to expect when it dies down.
posted by momus_window at 7:48 PM on June 14, 2020 [3 favorites]
During quarantine, I've been reading the biography of my relative who worked as a doctor on an isolated island where people distrusted outsiders, gossiped relentlessly, and rarely spoke kind words about anyone or anything. He was deeply homesick but unable to leave.
He was also a writer, and he dealt with the weight of the traumas by telling their stories—the good, bad, ugly and beautiful. If you don't have one already, it might be a good time to start a journaling/writing/art/other creative practice to process and get all of their "stuff" out of you.
posted by gold bridges at 4:50 PM on June 15, 2020
He was also a writer, and he dealt with the weight of the traumas by telling their stories—the good, bad, ugly and beautiful. If you don't have one already, it might be a good time to start a journaling/writing/art/other creative practice to process and get all of their "stuff" out of you.
posted by gold bridges at 4:50 PM on June 15, 2020
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If you’re worried about what to say, plan to play a board game (there are many online these days; boardgamearena.com
has newer games as well as some old classics). Or read the same book and talk about it.
If your internet isn’t up to live chat, then see if instead you can set up a turn-based game where you only have to make one move every 24 hrs, or every 7 days, or whatever works for you.
Failing that, writing letters or postcards can give a little bit of community.
If you are working for a company or for a nation, you might see what support options there are through them (remote counseling, perhaps?). Religious organizations may also have some support options. Whoever you are working for wants you to be effective, and that’s going to be hard under this level of burden coupled with the feeling of being trapped; but if your work is as remote as you say, then they must have dealt with the isolation and outsider feeling before and they should have a system in place to help.
A last thing, that really helped me when I first moved to a country where I did not know anyone— if it is dark where you are this time of year, consider a full spectrum lamp. It made a huge difference in my mood when I got one. If it isn’t dark, see if there is some other self-care habit or item you can get to increase your physical comfort, or that of your spouse.
Oh one more thing— how long is your position for? If it is open-ended, consider how long you want to be there and start planning for that departure even if it is months or longer in the future. If it’s a fixed term, make a list of things you’d like to see or do while you are there, positive things, and work towards making those things happen (even if all you can do right now is read about it).
posted by nat at 2:05 AM on June 14, 2020 [1 favorite]