Renewed my lease before new neighbor moved in... having panic attacks

June 13, 2020 7:39 PM

This is a multipart problem. Firstly, my personal issues that I'm working on but can't overcome overnight and are causing me to feel powerless and depressed right now. I'm afraid of conflict but am working on it. Secondly, my home is my sanctuary. I lived in this apartment for 2 years, the first with a truly bad neighbor (let dogs use the balcony as the bathroom, subwoofer daily, stomping, throwing things) and then the neighbor after him was so quiet I could hardly tell she lived there and it was bliss. I signed my lease because I was so content and it would have been difficult to move now and look for a place with COVID going on.

I knew that this would be the last apartment I lived in if I could help it though, because I am sensitive to certain noises– "permanent" or daily noises from neighbors. Not the constant loud passing cars, not the occasional bump or conversation outside my balcony, but frequent, constant noises such as music, TV, loud footsteps, banging cabinets/doors, barking dogs that occur on a daily basis and come through the walls or floor.

The situation is that my last downstairs neighbor moved right after I renewed my lease for 12 months. I had to sign it 60 days in advance to lock in my rate, so the start date is in a week from now. Now the new neighbor is super loud, slamming things constantly, super heavy feet, having a bunch of people over and staying with her since quarantine is "over". Today several times an adult was running through the apartment with their full weight and then the front door would slam over and over again as people were coming and going. She's only been here 2 weeks but I don't think I can do this for 12 months and I am downright anxious and depressed.

I am already coping with another anxiety issue with my therapist weekly and will work through this with her. One of the best gifts she've given me over the last year is helping me realize that I'm not a bad person crazy for having these issues, but I still struggle with believing that I'm not awful and entitled for wanting peace. I truly, truly wish I wasn't like this but I can't force a change, but I am so afraid to talk to anyone else about this because I don't think most people see it that way and will judge me. I'm on the top (3rd) floor, know my next-door neighbors and that they're quiet, and the floors are concrete, but somehow loud neighbors shake my floor and furniture and echo through my unit.

I am distraught and don't know what to do. I thankfully still have my job which pays pretty well and a pretty hefty savings/FU money fund that I would hate to have to dip into, but if it's for my mental wellbeing (and ability to work, because I work from home and can't focus when I'm panicking or irritated from the banging) then that is what it is there for. I'm still waiting things out to see if things settle and the neighbor stops being so... active, but I need to explore what my options are because one of them is time sensitive.

So here are the options I'm aware of:

Option A:
- Talk to neighbor politely about the sounds (how do I phrase this in the kindest way possible?) OR leave an anonymous polite note about the sounds transferring because she probably doesn't know (is this rude?)
- Hope things change
- If not, see if management can help, which is unlikely
- If nothing changes, go insane and ??? I try to escape my apartment when it gets really bad, but when I come home all recovered and hear noises again it starts all over.

Option B:
- Talk to neighbor or leave note like above
- Wait 1 month
- Apply to transfer to the unit next door which will become available in maybe 2 months or so
- Pay half a month's rent, all of the application fees, pet deposit, cleaning fee (will be likely $1250 best guess) and hopefully get the option to sign a lease for less than 12 months, and likely pay a pretty high rent even though it's the same layout
- Hope I don't get worse neighbors in my current unit or the downstairs one moves (maybe I'll talk to her to ask)

Option C:
- Talk to neighbor or leave note like above
- Wait
- Start looking for single family homes, which I would have done instead of renewing if I knew my neighbor was moving since I know I'm sensitive to apartment living
- Break my lease and pay ($$$$$?) I don't understand my lease terms and will inquire for more help. The way it's written it sounds like I'm supposed to pay through termination date (which I assume is the date I decide to break it, not the original end date), and since they would require 60 day notice, I would pay 2 months rent, plus another month as a cancellation fee, so that would be around $4200... which I can afford but that is way too ridiculous and I'd likely just do the transfer in that case.

I am getting a white noise machine, have fans going, windows open, TV or music on when not working but nothing blocks out the deep thump thump thump.... THUD of the noises, plus I can feel it in my feet on the floor or on my desk when working. I also do a lot of video calls for work and can't use noise cancelling headphones all day. The thought of wearing earplugs all day every day for 12 months sounds extraordinary in a bad way.

Again I need to repeat that I really seriously wish I wasn't this anxious. I have all of the anxiety and panic attack techniques that help take the edge off but I cannot live each day this way. I'd really appreciate any support, commiseration, or tips for how to navigate communicating with the neighbor or management on this issue. I have been going through a lot before this started so my capacity to cope is in the gutter. When the sound is gone I go back to feeling completely embarrassed by my own response, but I am writing this from my lowest point and am just lost right now.

posted by korrasamus to Human Relations (14 answers total)

Mod note: moved some text inside
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 8:19 PM on June 13, 2020

I would move. Do you have a corporate landlord or just deal with an individual? I had to break a lease early in the past and the landlord agreed to it without penalties, so I would start by asking to see how flexible they can be. Reach out to your local tenant's rights org for assistance. It may be that if the landlord finds a new tenant, they can't charge both of you rent. Maybe they'll let you help them find a new tenant. Worst case scenario, you have the money to pay as part of your move. If you can stay in the new place for a long time, it will be worth it.
posted by pinochiette at 8:28 PM on June 13, 2020 [3 favorites]

I would say definitely pick one of the two options involving moving soon. Based on what you've said here, it seems unlikely that your neighbor will be able or willing to change her behavior enough to not bother you.

For now -- work on getting all the information you need to make your decision.
posted by mekily at 8:45 PM on June 13, 2020

Something to consider: if she’s only been there two weeks, is it possible that this is extra noise related to her moving in and getting settled, and it might not continue indefinitely?
posted by The Underpants Monster at 8:51 PM on June 13, 2020 [9 favorites]

Just to add -- talking to your neighbor about the noise and/or leaving a note is not rude as long as you're polite about it, BUT it's also unlikely to result in any change unless she's doing things that are way outside the bounds of normal living. (Can't tell completely from your question, but it's possible that what sounds like slamming and banging to you is just her normal way of walking and closing cabinet doors, and people don't change habits easily.)

That's why I suggest moving.
posted by mekily at 8:56 PM on June 13, 2020 [1 favorite]

I'm inclined to say move, but maybe hold off a couple of weeks in case (as others have said) there has been some clattering about while they move things in and get things set up. Although I haven't tried them myself, maybe things like brown noise generators or noise-cancelling headphones could be worth considering? If only because you could move somewhere else and find there is noise there too. Everyone is different, but a neighbour who makes noise but is basically law abiding would be a better situation for me than one where the neighbour was aggressive or having people over and having shouting matches etc. which would shred my nerves. My apartment building is quiet though so I appreciate it's easy for me to say that. I do have some savings which I have set aside for the exact reason that one day I might get a bad neighbour and have to move out.
posted by AuroraSky at 10:17 PM on June 13, 2020 [1 favorite]

In anxiety its hard to see the proper perspective. You want to not come off as over bearing yet you dont have the peace of mind you need to think of a better response to panic. Have you tried asking for a different medication to calm you so you can think? Maybe the noise is not as loud as you think youre just used to not hearing any at all. You could try a humidifier which dulls the sounds, strategically placed furniture can make sounds lessen as well...or placing your noise machine or radio close to the air vents which is where a lot of noise you hear is being echoed. Maybe if your neighbor objects to hearing whale mating calls or rain forest sounds they will attempt the conversation with you and compromise on their noise level.
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 4:01 AM on June 14, 2020

Strategies for sensory processing disorders may be one thing to investigate; you're not the only person with these sorts of experiences and they may have thoughts to look into.

Beyond that, I'd try at least asking the neighbor - as others have said, it may be partly due to initial move-in. They may not realize how much things come through the floor. It's worth trying before you drop a lot of money on breaking a lease.

And then if that doesn't work, I would break the lease, after a lot of discussion and figuring out what the lease says/requires. I know in my area landlords will sometimes let people out early without a fee if they do some of the legwork to find a new tenant, for example.
posted by pie ninja at 5:34 AM on June 14, 2020

Move heaven and earth to get yourself into a detached single family home. Home should be your sanctuary, and that is infinitely easier to arrange when you have some space.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:12 AM on June 14, 2020 [7 favorites]

Record the noise, find a tenants' rights specialist, and play it for them. They'll be able to give you an opinion on how bad it is that's not colored by anxiety and also on what your rights and options are.
posted by Flannery Culp at 8:36 AM on June 14, 2020

You have all my sympathy and commiseration. I have similar issues, although with mostly different types of sounds. I hope you can try not to blame yourself and not to feel embarrassed about your reactions to these sounds, since they are involuntary and not something you have much control over. In my experience, repeated exposure will make the issue worse not better so if things don't settle down after your neighbor's initial move in period, and you are not able to blunt the noises with rugs or anything, I think it seems worth it to move. (I know that concrete is already supposed to be better for noise than other types of flooring so I'm not sure how much rugs would help.)

I wouldn't leave a note or talk to your neighbor at this point. Buildings can really amplify sounds and it may be that she's not even being that loud but rather your previous neighbor was just unusually quiet. Also, there may have been more noise than usual during the first two weeks due to moving furniture in, etc. If it were a more clear cut actionable thing like you wanted her to turn down the volume of music during certain hours, I think it would be different. But her having people over coming and going and closing the door loudly is normal use of her apartment. And they may not really be stomping that loudly or slamming things around. It could be just normal activity whose sounds are somehow being amplified. This is a real possibility - I once had an upstairs neighbor who I was convinced was literally lifting and dropping heavy barbells or otherwise slamming heavy objectives down on the floor and he really wasn't. It was just normal activity that somehow sounded so much louder in my apartment.
posted by dogwalker3 at 9:10 AM on June 14, 2020 [2 favorites]

I think your only solution is to rent somewhere that is a detached building. You are always going to have this as a recurring problem with apartment living. Even if you can get this one to shut up, someone else might move in later that's even worse.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:53 AM on June 14, 2020

In my experience, brown noise or deep red noise is much better at blocking out neighbor noises than white noise. You can find very long tracks of both on YouTube.

You could also try putting down heavy rugs to absorb more noise, furniture pads on the feet of your furniture, and move anything that's touching the wall just slightly away from the wall so it is rattled less.
posted by Jacqueline at 12:48 AM on June 15, 2020 [1 favorite]

I think some version of option C is your best bet. You can get a transfer, but people can always move, so as long as you live in an apartment, there's always going to be the risk that this happens again. Depending what the housing market is like where you live, you may find it's easier to break the lease than you think - I know that I've basically never had a problem in NYC breaking a lease, because the landlord gets to raise the rent for the new tenant.
posted by Ragged Richard at 10:36 AM on June 15, 2020 [1 favorite]