harassment aftermath
June 13, 2020 6:59 AM   Subscribe

Having trouble dealing constructively with residual anger about someone who harassed me significantly last fall and winter. Could use some tips from wise folks and/or people who have experienced the same.

Bottom line: I experienced a major mental health crisis starting around last fall and through the beginning of winter: debilitating depression and anxiety, one hospitalization, and finally I got placement in an intensive outpatient psychiatric facility for an 8 week DBT program that literally changed my life for the better. I have a huge toolbox of skills to use to help me manage my emotions better, and while it's been rough at times due to COVID-19 isolation, I'm on the whole doing mostly ok, and am sure I'll improve once stay-at-home orders begin to relax more.

My struggle is that my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend hates me. He didn't leave her for me - they were long done, but either she's still carrying a torch, or she's just a vindictive person in general. The reason doesn't matter though. She was harassing me all last fall - first my nonsensically leaving voicemails slandering me to my former employer (I worked at a music school), then escalating to emailing my former boss with incendiary and flat out incorrect information about my suicidal and "violent behavior" (the latter of which there was none). Former boss was alarmed and forwarded me what he was receiving so I was aware.

The final nail in the coffin, for me, was when I had received placement in the IOP psychiatric program and was trying to negotiate either FMLA (my benefits hadned kicked in yet at my new place of employment) or long enough notice period in order to leave the company without causing them undue hassle. Boyfriend's ex-girlfriend tracked down the email address of the head of the HR department at my company and sent a significantly more incindiary email to her, outing me as someone in deep psychiatric crisis (while I was trying to avoid disclosing that I needed to leave the company for mental health reasons - I was simply telling them I had health problems that required treatment).

To me, this felt like she was literally trying to fuck with my livelihood at a time when I was not equipped to fight back, not to mention extremely cruel. At the time, my boyfriend was supportive, and we decided not to engage with the ex in hopes that ignoring her would make it stop.

Fast forward to now, six months later. The harassment has stopped. I found another job after my program ended, but both boyfriend and I were laid off due to COVID-19, and we are both job hunting. I found a job I was qualified for and applied, and afterwards noticed that the job was located in the nearby small town where my boyfriend's ex lives. I made a joke that if I got this job, she might find out and start sending this new company slanderous emails about me again. In the six months that have gone by since the harassment I have come to find her slightly funny, largely pathetic, and indicative of someone with questionable character, and I tend towards gallows humor in general.

My boyfriend got mad at me for even making the joke. He is on friendlier terms with his ex now than he was during the active harassment, and I understand him not wanting to rock the boat - especially since they co-own a home and are working out the details of how to sell it. But still, to me it felt like he was more willing to defend his ex against my innocuous joke than he was willing to actively defending me against the harassment when it was happening. It hurt, a lot, and I have been stewing over it all night, re-reading the emails she sent to my employers and feeling angry and powerless.

I am trying to keep things in perspective, use my DBT tools, and move on. I don't want to pick a fight with my boyfriend over events that occurred six months ago. But his reaction last night really hurt me, and made me feel like his ex is a bigger priority to him than I am. I recognize this as catastrophic thinking, and I understand that two things can be true at once - that he hated her behavior at the time, but now doesn't want to dredge up and unpleasant time for both of us.

But I can't seem to shake this off. Can anyone please help give me some perspective so I can move on from this hurt instead of living in it?

posted by nayantara to Human Relations (26 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
Lots of typos here, many apologies. Fat fingers, small keyboard on my phone.
posted by nayantara at 7:12 AM on June 13, 2020

My boyfriend got mad at me for even making the joke. He is on friendlier terms with his ex now than he was during the active harassment

I’m not so sure you’re overreacting.
posted by jon1270 at 7:17 AM on June 13, 2020 [77 favorites]

He is on friendlier terms with his ex now than he was during the active harassment

I don't think he is loyal to you, at the very least, if he insists on defending her to you, but won't back you up when she has a fresh new chance to harass you. I know you said he backed you up at the time the original harassment occurred, but that stance should not change just because he is now "on friendlier terms" with his ex. What does that even mean? The way my mind works: are "friendlier terms" just about selling a house, or is there more going on, that he is keeping from you?

I would take a long, hard look at this, and consider this a warning. Your boyfriend needs to have your back. Have a talk with him. Try and understand his motives. Give him a chance to explain. If you come to the conclusion that he doesn't have your back and is not being truthful with you about his loyalties, then it's time to show him the door.
posted by Crystal Fox at 7:34 AM on June 13, 2020 [15 favorites]

Your boyfriend’s ex was contacting your place of work and trying to get you fired.

Your boyfriend is still in contact with his ex.

Your boyfriend’s ex was actively doing something something illegal and terrible and there is no reason at all for them to be in contact.

You have every right to be traumatized by what happened. If your boyfriend has implied that you shouldn’t be, there is something deeply wrong with him. The fact that he is still in contact with the person who contacted your workplace and tried to get you fired also indicates that there is something deeply wrong with him.
posted by sciencegeek at 7:34 AM on June 13, 2020 [42 favorites]

please help give me some perspective so I can move on from this hurt instead of living in it?

You to boyfriend: “Your reaction last night really hurt me, and made me feel like your ex is a bigger priority to you than I am. What she did to me caused lasting damage. My private joke about her couldn’t hurt her and was a joke rooted in reality. But you got mad in response. What’s up with that?”

Then see what he says. Listen carefully. You are not trying to pick a fight with your boyfriend over things that happened six months ago. You are hurt because he was being a jerk to you yesterday. His feelings are not more important than your feelings. The fact that he’s trying to sell a home with his vindictive, scary, untrustworthy, and lying ex should not in any way prevent him from being able to understand why you might make that joke, even if he did not find it funny.

Unacceptable things are unacceptable. You have been through a nightmare of health problems made 1000 times worse because of that guy’s ex. He doesn’t have to laugh at your jokes and he doesn’t have to stop talking to his ex. But by God, if he became angry at you based on that joke and has not yet apologized, he needs to go talk to someone and figure out what the fuck his problem is.

If he cannot give you the support you need, how are you supposed to get on with your life? The whole point of having a partner is to have a supportive partner and this guy is guilty of a major fail. Please don’t read any more of those stupid emails because this is not about her anymore. It might seem preferable to think it’s about her but it’s your partner’s failure to support you that needs to be addressed. I’m sorry you are going through more hard stuff.
posted by Bella Donna at 7:41 AM on June 13, 2020 [24 favorites]

He is on friendlier terms with his ex now than he was during the active harassment, and I understand him not wanting to rock the boat

Not wanting to rock the boat? Look, if you'd made the joke in front of her, maybe I could (maybe) understand him trying to smooth things over. But she wasn't there. The only other person there was you, his partner, who she completely screwed over.

There is no reason to be worried about "rocking the boat" when the person being talked about isn't there.

But still, to me it felt like he was more willing to defend his ex against my innocuous joke than he was willing to actively defending me against the harassment when it was happening.

I completely understand why you might be questioning your interpretations of things right now. But your instincts are steering you in the correct direction. I don't think this is just something you're feeling. I think this is what is actually happening. Your boyfriend told you to ignore everything while his ex was harassing you, and yet is willing to confront you about a joke you made, in private, about her past horrible behavior. It is completely understandable that this would make you feel like shit.

tl;dr this isn't about the ex and the past. This is about your boyfriend and the now. I would discuss with your therapist and try unpacking some of your feelings around this and figure out where you want to go from here.
posted by pie ninja at 7:45 AM on June 13, 2020 [4 favorites]

The friendlier terms are just about the house; they do not communicate with each other unless it is about house logistics (they are doing some reno jointly to increase the property value before selling (she intends to move to a different state closer to family when the house has been sold) and the finances are complicated to say the least. I do not believe he is hiding anything from me on that front - he has never given me any indication not to trust him, and their relationship was very toxic when they were together. He is someone who hates rocking the boat at all costs, and does not want to "poke the bear" - she was emotionally abusive to him when they were together.

I should also clarify that we didn't get into a FIGHT about my joke - I made the joke and chuckled, and his response was basically "ugh, really, why do you want to dredge that up again, it was bad." So, I dropped it, but it was surprising to me because I honestly thought he would have laughed too! This is why I'm struggling - his reaction was a complete surprise to me. I honestly thought it was funny!
posted by nayantara at 7:47 AM on June 13, 2020 [1 favorite]

You're not (just) dealing with residual fear, you're predicting a renewal and looking to your partner for support, and it's not there. It's possible your boyfriend is also scared of his ex and is trying not to rock the boat until the financial entanglement is cut. However, that's no excuse for him to pick on you for your fear. That anger should be directed productively at his ex or a therapist.

Without a clear understanding of why ex stopped their campaign, it's impossible to have any confidence it won't continue. This sounds like someone who is happy to spend a great deal of time to cause you significant pain. I would be very wary of moving to Town and even more wary of moving there with Boyfriend.
posted by cocoagirl at 7:51 AM on June 13, 2020 [3 favorites]

The clarification you just posted seems at odds with the question - you said "having trouble dealing constructively with residual anger" but it sounds to me like you're dealing with it more constructively than he is. Basically, you've processed it to the point where it can be funny and he's repressed thinking about it at all, and reacts poorly when he's made to think about it (which, considering the house thing, is understandable if not at all ideal). I'm not saying he ISN'T defending the ex but to me personally, based on your update, it sounds like maybe he's trying to repress it all rather than just excuse it.
posted by showbiz_liz at 7:54 AM on June 13, 2020 [11 favorites]

I made the joke and chuckled, and his response was basically "ugh, really, why do you want to dredge that up again, it was bad." So, I dropped it, but it was surprising to me because I honestly thought he would have laughed too! This is why I'm struggling - his reaction was a complete surprise to me. I honestly thought it was funny!

Okay you honestly thought it was funny, but as gently I as possible I'd like to just point out that you posted 700+ words about her harassment of you and didn't mention that they still have to interact, and had to interact through all of the harassment, until the very end.

Your boyfriend was not the direct target of her harassment and I'm not comparing his experience during that time to your experience during that time, but he had an experience too, and frankly, it sounds like it would have been AWFUL to be him. He gets to have feelings now too, and he gets to say that he doesn't find jokes about that period to be funny and you get to apologize and respect that boundary.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:56 AM on June 13, 2020 [12 favorites]

DarlingBri I think you've hit the nail on the head in that I'm not considering how the harassment impacted him when it was occuring, while he's still financially entangled with her. That's a really good point, and I think I got bogged down last night by re-reading the harassment emails she sent and remembering only their impact on ME. I'm gonna have a brief chat with him about how it made me feel, hear him out if he wants to say something, and then move on. Keeping this on my mind is doing exactly what he and I agreed not to do when the harassment was happening actively: giving it attention. It did in fact stop once she saw we were ignoring her. showbiz_liz, I appreciate your perspective as well; I'm not in his situation, I'm lucky enough not to be forced to stay connected to someone who mistreated me during a long relationship, and if he needs to bury it to keep on keeping on, I should try to respect that even if I don't agree that's the healthiest way to manage the situation. As you both said, he gets to have feelings too, and a little empathy surely can't hurt (especially since he was FURIOUS with her when she was doing this to me).

I also want to thank the previous posters for their support; it's nice to get validation that my reaction wasn't stupid. I am going to chalk this up to the fact that boyfriend and I are different people with different coping methods, and otherwise our relationship is strong, comfortable, and mutually supportive.

Thanks again to all of you for helping me not get bogged down in unproductive rumination at the beginning of what looks to be a lovely weekend, weather-wise, here in our parts.
posted by nayantara at 8:07 AM on June 13, 2020 [6 favorites]

Lots of good answers here, and I won't repeat their excellent advice.

But if that stuff with calling and emailing bosses had happened to me, I would have resorted to legal action, up to a lawsuit for harassment and slander, if necessary. I don't think you over-reacted, I think you under-reacted, although that's completely understandable given all the other stress in your life at that time.

And that anger you still have over her behavior? You can't let go of it because you aren't finished being angry. Those were significant attacks at you, your mental health (a big issue in your life) and your actual fucking job. You should be angry about that! This is what we say to each other in PTSD groups: "That feeling or symptom is your body's natural reaction to unnatural conditions."

For me (and we have a lot in common) I would try to concentrate on feeling and experiencing that anger fully, so that you can let go of it. Find someone to talk to about it. Talk to that person as much as you need to. Keep a journal or make a drawing if you are that kind of person.

Fully experience that anger in all its intensity, then you can let it go.

And your boyfriend? Definitely the wrong reaction last night. He should have more loyalty to you right now that to his ex. It rankles, and it should. So let him know that, too. Believe me, I've been there where you are with similar issues and similar brain chemistry, and there is a way through all of this and a way to stop feeling bad about it. Start today, because you are worth it!

You deserve better than this, and I am rooting for you.
posted by seasparrow at 8:25 AM on June 13, 2020 [11 favorites]

and his response was basically "ugh, really, why do you want to dredge that up again, it was bad."

Having just read about your experience I had the same reaction. He has to deal with her on a regular basis, knowing what she did and what she's still capable of. In his place I would be very worried about setting her off again. He has been walking on tiptoes for a very long time now, and I expect he's exhausted.

That's not an excuse for treating you poorly, but I hope it will help when you sit down to talk.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:53 AM on June 13, 2020 [2 favorites]

You have been through hell and back. You have this internet stranger's 100% permission to have whatever the hell reaction you want to your boyfriend's reaction to your coping mechanism. He's 100% entitled to his reaction too. However, where those reactions and coping mechanisms may be opposed to one another, you, the deeply traumatized person, the person whose livelihood, reputation, and mental health were threatened by a stranger, have a right to continue cracking away with dark jokes. That dark joke was a way of expressing anxiety. And, he shut you down.

And, by the way, your joke barely registers on my Bleak-o-Meter. When my beloved spouse was dying of a rare cancer, we used to crack jokes about him 'having to be so special by getting a rare cancer. Why couldn't he just get a garden variety cancer like most people?'. We made the mistake of cracking one of these jokes in front of his mother. She was deeply disturbed. We felt terrible. Lesson learned: gallows humor is best shared by those having the same awful experience (think ER docs, soldiers). My spouse and I were very much in the cancer trenches together. His mom was a concerned bystander who came and went but didn't bear the full burden of the experience.

I don't think you owe your boyfriend an apology. However, this is a great opportunity for an honest conversation. Maybe the outcome is that he shares exactly zero details about his continued interactions with his demented ex. If he needs support around those interactions, he should get it elsewhere. Maybe you decide that in order to continue on your path of healing, you take a break from your relationship until he's completed his house sale.

FWIW, I would have 100% gone full legal on this. Like scorched earth legal starting with a restraining order. You still have that option and may gain some level of comfort by having a contingency plan in place. You could start by having a consultation with a lawyer to put a plan in place in the event that things were to escalate again. Your joke felt to me like an expression of fear about the behavior restarting without warning, without provocation. Having a plan that enacts consequences may give you some level of comfort. And, no, you do not need your boyfriend's permission to engage an attorney and have a back up plan. Would you need his permission to avoid an auto collision? Put on your parachute before jumping out of a plane?

From your description, you're doing an excellent job of taking care of yourself. Part of that is likely going to include setting boundaries with those you love. That's ok. He can handle it. And if he can't? Well, that's good information to have.
posted by MissPitts at 9:03 AM on June 13, 2020 [8 favorites]

Thanks for the update, OP. It is unclear to me if your partner got mad in response to your joke or was just uncomfortable. As someone who frequently fails to laugh at jokes made by people I like (who then get mad at me) or, conversely, makes jokes that those people do not find funny (but I do not get mad at them), this is a fine reminder that humour is a tricky thing especially in fraught circumstances. Best of luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 9:08 AM on June 13, 2020 [2 favorites]

Seconding those pointing out that you were in an awful, awful situation with this vile and awful person that caused you real damage, but you're not currently entangled with her and he still is. He's not out of the woods yet, and won't be until the house thing is done and dusted and she no longer has the power to hurt him financially as well as emotionally.

Under those circumstances I wouldn't be pressing on his raw places any more than I absolutely had to; I'd be using my own DBT skills to lick my own mental wounds and letting this particular sleeping dog lie.

If I were him, and faced with the prospect that my partner's physical working arrangements might indeed put her back into this abusive horror's gunsights with Christ only knows what consequences, I'd be shitting myself with fear at the prospect of the house thing going horribly, horribly wrong in any number of dreadful ways. I probably wouldn't be ready to laugh off that set of possibilities either.
posted by flabdablet at 9:39 AM on June 13, 2020 [3 favorites]

I disagree with people who are saying that your boyfriend is a cad because he was forced to stay in contact and didn't /couldn't help nor stop his ex from stalking and harassing you.

Your boyfriend is a victim too.

Your boyfriend was abused by his ex. Not only while they were dating but long after too - - harassing you is an extension of his abusive situation. Yes you are the traumatized one but so is he -- her targeting you was ultimately another way to hurt him. It wasn't just about you. Moreover the entire time those awful things have been happening he's been unable to really advocate for you or himself for fear of esclation and has had to stay in contact and endure her abuse the entire time. If that's not deeply traumatic for someone I dunno what is. I can understand why he's humourless about it - - the sheer amount of powerlessness and guilt he must have felt and probably still does feel about it must be awful.

I don't think the joke was too much either, but remember, you have given yourself the tools to overcome and work through these feelings, he hasn't yet. He's actually not out of the cycle of abuse yet and he's probably worried that once they do settle their finances she may start up again. I don't think he's taken her side, I think he just lacks the energy to see the funny side right now - - he is still partly in the situation still.

It's horrible for both of you and I feel for you. Go easy on each other. Support each other, try and sort out the property and cut ties asap. I think then healing will feel more like progress. Also dox proof yourself as much as possible in case she tries again... and of course maybe therapy might help him as it helped you to deal with processing the trauma he's ensured. Good luck
posted by Dimes at 10:44 AM on June 13, 2020 [5 favorites]

I tried to put myself in your boyfriend's shoes. If I were him I'd feel responsible for playing a part (although completely unintentionally) in bringing this person into my girlfriend's life. And I'd be alarmed by my ex's behavior, as it makes clear that she is dangerous (something your boyfriend might have already known). I might, in a moment of stress or preoccupation, not respond to your joke, but I wouldn't go so far as to make you feel that it was wrong to tell it. Especially after what you've been though. And I'd probably go back later and say something to explain or otherwise smooth it over. Or, if you brought it up to me, I'd make sure you knew that I supported you 100%.

Then I remembered (!) many years ago I did have a boyfriend that had to deal with my abusive ex in much, much LESS awful ways than you had to deal with your boyfriend's ex. Yet I felt terrible about what he had to deal with, and very lucky that he didn't end the relationship after some of my ex's not very subtle threats. And this is why I don't really get your boyfriend's reaction. My advice is to please trust your initial instincts. You were surprised by your boyfriend's reaction to your joke. When I can't put my finger on the 'why' of something, I try to just recall the feeling. Your feelings are alway valid. Pay attention to them.

If someone goes out of their way to hurt you, as your boyfriend's ex went out of her way to threaten your livelihood, your responsibility is to protect yourself. Even if it means rocking the boat, even if it means that your boyfriend has a (more) difficult time selling his house. And *HE* should have been the first person to tell you that (in the event that you were not automatically taking steps to protect yourself: eg looking into your rights, seeking legal support, talking to the police, pursuing a restraining order etc). Did your boyfriend take steps to protect you? Did he put your safety, wellbeing and mental health first (ahead of selling the house, placating the person that's harassing you, and/or his own comfort levels)?
posted by marimeko at 11:21 AM on June 13, 2020 [2 favorites]

Since no one has said it: your boyfriend has the option to not talk to his ex any more and route communication through a lawyer. This has a financial cost in fees and possibly reduced house sale price , and it sounds like it’s not worth it to either of you yet, but it’s an option.
posted by momus_window at 11:36 AM on June 13, 2020 [13 favorites]

Oh my, I'm so sorry. Relationships around the globe are being tested by the world and you have this on top of it. I do think you have both been through hell, and you have this person's terrible behavior in common, but also have suffered uniquely and it is hard to witness one another's unique suffering without feeling lost or alone with one's own these days.

I think if you can express that you are still afraid and need his solidarity, and invite him to express that same thing, you'll be much more aligned against the real threat this person's abuse poses to your long term happiness, still, and how to deal with your anxiety about it in the moment.

We are all freaked the hell out right now and just when we need to give one another the most space, we are hunkered down in isolation with one another amid tremendous uncertainty. Patience is key. Your needs and your boundaries are all overlapping and it's very difficult, but talking about it and negotiating is the way forward. Sometimes you have to talk to yourself about it if the other person isn't ready.
posted by pazazygeek at 11:57 AM on June 13, 2020

momus_window, that's a great point and absolutely a route we'd be taking if we weren't both COVID-19 unemployed. We don't really have money to throw at this problem (the ex) but if we did, hoo boy would we be doing that. He has reached a tentative detente with her right now and is indeed walking on eggshells to keep it that way. I want to extend him compassion for that until he is at a point where they no longer have this house keeping them in each other's lives. Despite what she did to me, I am recognizing through reflection and all of your responses that I have the tools to handle my own anxiety about her in large part because I am no longer dealing with her personally, and he isn't there yet.

We had a brief chat earlier, I said I was confused and upset by his reaction to my joke, and he clarified that he just is not in any headspace right now to laugh about what she is capable of, so to him it felt like I was picking a scab with the joke. But he heard me, I heard him, we hugged it out, and we're good.

(And oh yeah if she tries any of this again I am absolutely sic-ing my lawyer on her - lawyer would do this pro bono given the circumstances. BUT... obviously we would prefer not to ever have to cross that road.)
posted by nayantara at 12:00 PM on June 13, 2020 [4 favorites]

I'm so sorry you went through that harassment, it was horrible and wrong and you have every right to continue to feel anger or whatever other emotions are still there for you.

But, to me, there's a big difference between "he got mad at me for even making the joke" and "his response was basically 'ugh, really, why do you want to dredge that up again, it was bad.'"

The first framing made me wonder if he was taking her side, and ask whether or not you could trust this guy to have your back. The second, along with your explanation, made me think this is someone who understands the stakes but is still stuck in a difficult situation and wants to get through it with as little drama and difficulty for you both.

I think the advice above to have a conversation with him about the situation, the continuing risks, and how you're going to support each other through the end is a good one. Everybody is a little on edge these days, even without the additional stress of something like this, and now's the time to reassure each other as much as possible.
posted by rpfields at 12:04 PM on June 13, 2020 [4 favorites]

In your update, your boyfriend and the ex only communicate about the house they own, and it doesn't seem like you were ever buddy-buddy with her. How did she come by details of your health problems last year, and your new place of employment, sending that email and "outing me as someone in deep psychiatric crisis"? If she works in the healthcare industry and somehow accessed your medical records, stop taking the high road, gather those emails, and see a lawyer about HIPAA violations.

I agree with momus_window, that having some sort of intermediary for your boyfriend's legal dealings with her would be helpful. The house is unsold, possibly for several months now -- could a management company be brought in to handle renting the place?
posted by Iris Gambol at 6:03 PM on June 13, 2020 [1 favorite]

Iris Gambol, she found out I was hospitalized because my boyfriend was supposed to come to the shared house the next day to deal with contractors and had to cancel because I was in the psych ward and he didn't know when I'd be released. He was the one who called 911 (I was suicidal) and terrified and in his fear made a terrible error in telling his ex the specific reason why he had to cancel. At the time, he wasn't thinking straight, and also, frankly, neither he nor I thought that she was cruel enough to take information like that and use it against me (the harassment started about a week after my hospitalization). He regrets to this day saying anything to her about it, and so this is another thing that contributed to him not finding my joke funny - he feels guilty about the whole thing as well.

I've learned a lot of lessons through this mishap with my joke, but probably the biggest takeaway is that I need to be more mindful of how her harassment of me also affected him, how he feels responsible for it, and how I need to remember to extend compassion for him. Yes, I went through a horrible experience and I am still recovering/healing from my own battles with mental health, but when it comes to the ex, the situation is so much bigger than what she did to me personally. AND I don't have to deal with her now, still, but he does.
posted by nayantara at 6:43 PM on June 13, 2020 [2 favorites]

She found the employment info on LinkedIn. Sorry to threadsit, bowing out now.
posted by nayantara at 7:00 PM on June 13, 2020

I'm thinking you need to consider contacting either a lawyer or go straight to law enforcement, in fact, I'm thinking law enforcement should have been contacted long ago. This is beyond what you should have been expected to deal with on your own. A lawyer might help with a cease and desist, but really... the woman's behavior is beyond the pale. If your SO isn't on the same page as you, I suspect you'll have more problems in the future.
posted by stormyteal at 12:21 AM on June 14, 2020

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