Boundaries as a platonic kitty step-parent-in-law
June 9, 2020 11:49 AM Subscribe
I live in a space with 4 cats (belonging to two of my roommates, one of whom owns the house). Sometimes I like to have my door open so I can socialize with my human roommates and have accepted that cats (and cat fur, and bits of litter) in my room are unavoidable consequences. But sometimes I want peace and privacy, not furry critters scratching at my door. Help me calibrate my actions and expectations.
Cat tax
None of the 4 cats who live on my level of the house belong to me. All the owners of the cats live upstairs, which is Not Cat Safe. One of the cat owners spends ~2 hours a day downstairs, the other spends ~2 hours a week here.
So while I'm not an owner, and don't have litter box responsibility, I am the human they see the most (especially if my door is open). And I'm often the one refilling food and water bowls.
For my first 6 months here, I was 100% closed door, no cats. When I tried to make an exception for TK, she started rattling my door (loudly) when she wanted to come in> I stopped letting her in and had to stuff a rug underneath the door for a couple weeks until she gave up.
When shelter in place started and more of my housemates were around, I started leaving my door open to feel less isolated from them, so of course the cats started coming in and claiming cozy spaces on my rugs/in my window. The company was nice for a while, but now there are fewer humans around again, and I'm a little "over it" with them taking up space and shedding everywhere (it's hard to want to do yoga if it means going through the effort of evicting cats who don't want to move, and sweeping up hair).
Three of the cats are on the fine/mildly annoying end of the scale. Norman is a bully, TK and Voltron are needy for attention, but not affectionate in return.
The fourth (Mugen) is now my favorite, but also the biggest issue right now. He was super shy and still is super skittish (bolts if he thinks you're going to sneeze), but he eventually warmed up to me. He's quiet company most of the time, and when I get to pet him, it feels like an actual connection, not just me servicing his needs.
But the scratching at my door has to stop.
Putting down scat mats outside my door has helped, but also started an arms race. At first two tiles were enough, but every morning starts with either a) Mugen finding a way around them to scratch at my door, or b) him leaping over the mats and into my room as soon as I try to leave it.
And it varies day-to-day if I'm ready for all cats, one cat, or no cats, so sometimes it's fine that he squeezes past me and flops on my bed for a nap.
Two fold question -
- Is it bad for the cats that I play favorites, and that sometimes one gets evicted but another gets to stay?
- Is it reasonable to want to consistently enforce "no scratching" and inconsistently enforce "no cats in the room"? What further steps can I take?
Cat tax
None of the 4 cats who live on my level of the house belong to me. All the owners of the cats live upstairs, which is Not Cat Safe. One of the cat owners spends ~2 hours a day downstairs, the other spends ~2 hours a week here.
So while I'm not an owner, and don't have litter box responsibility, I am the human they see the most (especially if my door is open). And I'm often the one refilling food and water bowls.
For my first 6 months here, I was 100% closed door, no cats. When I tried to make an exception for TK, she started rattling my door (loudly) when she wanted to come in> I stopped letting her in and had to stuff a rug underneath the door for a couple weeks until she gave up.
When shelter in place started and more of my housemates were around, I started leaving my door open to feel less isolated from them, so of course the cats started coming in and claiming cozy spaces on my rugs/in my window. The company was nice for a while, but now there are fewer humans around again, and I'm a little "over it" with them taking up space and shedding everywhere (it's hard to want to do yoga if it means going through the effort of evicting cats who don't want to move, and sweeping up hair).
Three of the cats are on the fine/mildly annoying end of the scale. Norman is a bully, TK and Voltron are needy for attention, but not affectionate in return.
The fourth (Mugen) is now my favorite, but also the biggest issue right now. He was super shy and still is super skittish (bolts if he thinks you're going to sneeze), but he eventually warmed up to me. He's quiet company most of the time, and when I get to pet him, it feels like an actual connection, not just me servicing his needs.
But the scratching at my door has to stop.
Putting down scat mats outside my door has helped, but also started an arms race. At first two tiles were enough, but every morning starts with either a) Mugen finding a way around them to scratch at my door, or b) him leaping over the mats and into my room as soon as I try to leave it.
And it varies day-to-day if I'm ready for all cats, one cat, or no cats, so sometimes it's fine that he squeezes past me and flops on my bed for a nap.
Two fold question -
- Is it bad for the cats that I play favorites, and that sometimes one gets evicted but another gets to stay?
- Is it reasonable to want to consistently enforce "no scratching" and inconsistently enforce "no cats in the room"? What further steps can I take?
> All the owners of the cats live upstairs, which is Not Cat Safe
Oh, that, by the way -- that seems weird. If you own a cat, your house should be cat safe. I suppose there are reasons I can think of that would make it impossible, but I think the actual cat owners should let the cats into their rooms. If you're the one giving them food and attention, the cats think you're theirs (and you are).
posted by The corpse in the library at 12:05 PM on June 9, 2020 [44 favorites]
Oh, that, by the way -- that seems weird. If you own a cat, your house should be cat safe. I suppose there are reasons I can think of that would make it impossible, but I think the actual cat owners should let the cats into their rooms. If you're the one giving them food and attention, the cats think you're theirs (and you are).
posted by The corpse in the library at 12:05 PM on June 9, 2020 [44 favorites]
Hopefully others will have practical advice for stopping the scratching but:
- Is it bad for the cats that I play favorites, and that sometimes one gets evicted but another gets to stay?
No, they don't notice or care. If one or two NEVER got attention from you or any other human that would be bad. But otherwise, they'll just go find somewhere else to snooze.
posted by Balthamos at 12:14 PM on June 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
- Is it bad for the cats that I play favorites, and that sometimes one gets evicted but another gets to stay?
No, they don't notice or care. If one or two NEVER got attention from you or any other human that would be bad. But otherwise, they'll just go find somewhere else to snooze.
posted by Balthamos at 12:14 PM on June 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
sorry but you are not allowed to close your door anymore as per Cat Law
i think you need to either learn to accept their love or move into a cat-free household, because you can't train cats -- cats train us
posted by Jacqueline at 12:14 PM on June 9, 2020 [5 favorites]
i think you need to either learn to accept their love or move into a cat-free household, because you can't train cats -- cats train us
posted by Jacqueline at 12:14 PM on June 9, 2020 [5 favorites]
This is unfair to you, but in the physical set-up you describe, it’s going to be very very hard to keep the cats from endlessly working to get into your room, and if you ever let them in it will be impossible. I agree with The Corpse In The Library that it’s very weird, and unfair to you, that the cat owners are the ones living in the no-cat part of the house.
This is almost certainly hopeless, but is there any chance of trading rooms with a cat-owner so that you’d be living in the no-cat zone?
posted by LizardBreath at 12:16 PM on June 9, 2020 [16 favorites]
This is almost certainly hopeless, but is there any chance of trading rooms with a cat-owner so that you’d be living in the no-cat zone?
posted by LizardBreath at 12:16 PM on June 9, 2020 [16 favorites]
It is totally fucked up to say you own cats but they have to live with your roomate, because you don't want them knocking over your own shit. And not to explain that deal to your roommate. Which seems like what they pulled on you. I'd push back on that, hard.
The foil idea is good, you could also try coarse sandpaper but they might actually like that, and I would try foil first. You can also get a squirt bottle and squirt them when they do it. It's a pain but it usually works, eventually. It doesn't matter if you treat different cats differently, but you should try to treat each individual cat consistently.
posted by SaltySalticid at 12:25 PM on June 9, 2020 [8 favorites]
The foil idea is good, you could also try coarse sandpaper but they might actually like that, and I would try foil first. You can also get a squirt bottle and squirt them when they do it. It's a pain but it usually works, eventually. It doesn't matter if you treat different cats differently, but you should try to treat each individual cat consistently.
posted by SaltySalticid at 12:25 PM on June 9, 2020 [8 favorites]
In the past when we've had problems with our cats waking us up repeatedly in the middle of the night, we found that closing the bedroom door and setting up an automatic air spray can worked extremely well to get them to give us some peace and not scratch at the door. We used the "Sensor Egg"; another popular brand is "Ssscat." These work by having a motion sensor activate an air spray can, similar to the kind you might use to clear out dust from electronics. Most cats really hate the noise this makes and will learn to avoid the area covered by the motion sensor after only one or two times triggering it.
If you try this, you want to train the cats to associate approaching the closed door with triggering the air can. Set the sensor up to cover the area immediately in front of your door. Deactivate the sensor when you open your door, and reactivate it before you close the door. When the cat comes to scratch at the door, the sensor will trigger and train the cat not to do that. In our experience we really only needed the air can for about a day or two; after that, the cats had learned not the approach the bedroom door when it was closed, and never tried doing so. And we were finally able to get some damned sleep.
As far as being inconsistent in your enforcement of "no cats in the room," consistency is the key to animal training, so if you are inconsistent in your desire of what you want, you need some kind of consistent cue that you can use to communicate to the cats that they are or are not currently allowed in the room. I think the best cue here is closing the door: if you do this and pair it with the air can, they'll learn this cue very rapidly and you'll get some peace. However, if you want to be able to leave the door open while also having no cats in the room with you, then you need some other explicit cue. You could, for example, use a baby gate or something similar. This by itself will of course not be a deterrent but if you pair that with the air can, the cats will very quickly learn that "baby gate = no entry". In theory you could use pretty much any object here, but some kind of minor physical barrier will probably be easier to train with as it will keep the cats from just running quickly through the doorway. However, you should be prepared for the possibility that one or more of the cats will learn to simply avoid your room entirely, so if you actually want them to come in sometimes you'll need a more complex training regimen to ensure they don't learn to associate your room rather than the barrier with the air can.
posted by biogeo at 12:26 PM on June 9, 2020 [6 favorites]
If you try this, you want to train the cats to associate approaching the closed door with triggering the air can. Set the sensor up to cover the area immediately in front of your door. Deactivate the sensor when you open your door, and reactivate it before you close the door. When the cat comes to scratch at the door, the sensor will trigger and train the cat not to do that. In our experience we really only needed the air can for about a day or two; after that, the cats had learned not the approach the bedroom door when it was closed, and never tried doing so. And we were finally able to get some damned sleep.
As far as being inconsistent in your enforcement of "no cats in the room," consistency is the key to animal training, so if you are inconsistent in your desire of what you want, you need some kind of consistent cue that you can use to communicate to the cats that they are or are not currently allowed in the room. I think the best cue here is closing the door: if you do this and pair it with the air can, they'll learn this cue very rapidly and you'll get some peace. However, if you want to be able to leave the door open while also having no cats in the room with you, then you need some other explicit cue. You could, for example, use a baby gate or something similar. This by itself will of course not be a deterrent but if you pair that with the air can, the cats will very quickly learn that "baby gate = no entry". In theory you could use pretty much any object here, but some kind of minor physical barrier will probably be easier to train with as it will keep the cats from just running quickly through the doorway. However, you should be prepared for the possibility that one or more of the cats will learn to simply avoid your room entirely, so if you actually want them to come in sometimes you'll need a more complex training regimen to ensure they don't learn to associate your room rather than the barrier with the air can.
posted by biogeo at 12:26 PM on June 9, 2020 [6 favorites]
This advice will all depend on how determined the cat is...and how bored. I've had cats who would politely give up after only 50-60 attempts. For one of our other cats, we discovered that two closed doors was the only way to prevent the yowling and door rattling at 4am. Yes, we picked out house based on this necessity. So, is there a space where the cats can be when you need the quiet that will make the two door-buffer an option?
Also, I agree with the above that it's silly (and more than a little infuriating, TBH) for the other residents to claim they are cat owners when they spend so little time with their pets. In general, this sounds like a problem for the owners to be tasked with solving, not you. Is there any chance you can, as LizardBreath suggested, switch rooms? Or make the upstairs area cat-friendly? Or put out heated cat beds or other enticements to being in other safe spaces on your floor more desirable and pleasant for them?
posted by past unusual at 12:47 PM on June 9, 2020
Also, I agree with the above that it's silly (and more than a little infuriating, TBH) for the other residents to claim they are cat owners when they spend so little time with their pets. In general, this sounds like a problem for the owners to be tasked with solving, not you. Is there any chance you can, as LizardBreath suggested, switch rooms? Or make the upstairs area cat-friendly? Or put out heated cat beds or other enticements to being in other safe spaces on your floor more desirable and pleasant for them?
posted by past unusual at 12:47 PM on June 9, 2020
- Is it reasonable to want to consistently enforce "no scratching" and inconsistently enforce "no cats in the room"?
The want is reasonable but expecting the cats to understand is not. They aren't going to stop trying to get in unless they understand (and accept) that they aren't allowed in there, which is going to be tricky-to-impossible if they're allowed in sometimes.
Depending on the cats and your patience, you could accomplish this by deliberate training, consistently and immediately removing them from the room when they enter, or physically preventing them from entering the room. If the cats aren't big jumpers, a barrier in the doorway during the day could work.
posted by randomnity at 12:50 PM on June 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
The want is reasonable but expecting the cats to understand is not. They aren't going to stop trying to get in unless they understand (and accept) that they aren't allowed in there, which is going to be tricky-to-impossible if they're allowed in sometimes.
Depending on the cats and your patience, you could accomplish this by deliberate training, consistently and immediately removing them from the room when they enter, or physically preventing them from entering the room. If the cats aren't big jumpers, a barrier in the doorway during the day could work.
posted by randomnity at 12:50 PM on June 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
It would be an unusual cat who understands intermittently being allowed in. You might eventually convince one or two but I don’t think getting all four to get that message is within the realm of possibility. Making their humans create more welcome cat safe spaces may help some by making your room less attractive as an option, but you probably need to go 100% closed door again if you cannot abide by the cats using your room freely.
posted by Stacey at 1:52 PM on June 9, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by Stacey at 1:52 PM on June 9, 2020 [3 favorites]
Many years ago I lived in a household that include more than half a dozen cats, family members, room mates, random short term live in girlfriends and at one point a homeless person. There were too many cats to easily deal with if they had full access to the house, but there was also no central circulated heat, just two gas heaters on the middle floor and one on the ground floor, so what we did was make screen doors for all of the bedrooms and the double parlour that was the household library. That way the people got light and air and in the winter time the temperature stayed above freezing in the bedrooms, but the cat who was a projectile vomiter did not get access to everyone's beds and books and belongings.
Since we had so many cats with no one designated person to take care of them, I decided that I would become primary person for one of the cats and ensure that she got regular snuggles and socialization. She was the only cat I would allow in my bedroom. I would call "Energy! Energy!" and you'd hear her claws skitter as she woke up from wherever she was, galloped up the stairs and ran to my bedroom screen door that I was holding open. The other cats very soon made no effort to get in because they knew if they succeeded they would simply get grabbed and removed, but took a gloomy interest in watching Energy eat her shrimp. Reinforcing a cat coming when you call with the food it loves more than anything else in the world is quite effective in training it.
Now Energy would rattle at my door when she wanted in and when she wanted out. It was not at all uncommon that she would rattle two or three times at night and I would have to get up and let her in or let her out or let her in again. I believe it was good training for me later when I had kids and had to get up and down at night to deal with a baby a few years later.
I think you could train the other three cats never to rattle by never letting them in and removing them promptly any time they make it in. But if you let Mugen in, then you'll have at least one cat rattling. It's up to you if you like Mugen enough to put up with it or not. If you can't stand a cat rattling then you have to never let Mugen in.
If you want to extinguish the behaviour of some or all of the cats from trying to come in, you'll be much more successful if you snub them absolutely from now on, not feeding them, not allowing laps when you are seated in the common areas, and not petting them. Extinguishing a dependence requires strong consistency. No attention, no care-taking and no access for a period of equal length than they have already had the run of your room may be require to get them to stop trying to come in. Even then if they get in trouble because the only person who feeds them goes away for two weeks they will revert to wailing for you to feed them.
It is important to set boundaries with dependents so that that you are not being relied upon to do something you can't sustain. You'd be in a pickle if your room mates decided they could go away for six months and leave you in sole charge of the cats because they are sure you love the cats so much you wouldn't mind. You'd also be in a pickle if you being nice for three months results in you losing your temper at the four month mark because you can't get away from cats who are desperate for you to look after them. Much misery can come from giving a dependent expectations that you don't want to or you can't meet. You're smart to be taking this seriously and trying to set good boundaries and reasonable expectations before it gets out of hand.
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:10 PM on June 9, 2020 [5 favorites]
Since we had so many cats with no one designated person to take care of them, I decided that I would become primary person for one of the cats and ensure that she got regular snuggles and socialization. She was the only cat I would allow in my bedroom. I would call "Energy! Energy!" and you'd hear her claws skitter as she woke up from wherever she was, galloped up the stairs and ran to my bedroom screen door that I was holding open. The other cats very soon made no effort to get in because they knew if they succeeded they would simply get grabbed and removed, but took a gloomy interest in watching Energy eat her shrimp. Reinforcing a cat coming when you call with the food it loves more than anything else in the world is quite effective in training it.
Now Energy would rattle at my door when she wanted in and when she wanted out. It was not at all uncommon that she would rattle two or three times at night and I would have to get up and let her in or let her out or let her in again. I believe it was good training for me later when I had kids and had to get up and down at night to deal with a baby a few years later.
I think you could train the other three cats never to rattle by never letting them in and removing them promptly any time they make it in. But if you let Mugen in, then you'll have at least one cat rattling. It's up to you if you like Mugen enough to put up with it or not. If you can't stand a cat rattling then you have to never let Mugen in.
If you want to extinguish the behaviour of some or all of the cats from trying to come in, you'll be much more successful if you snub them absolutely from now on, not feeding them, not allowing laps when you are seated in the common areas, and not petting them. Extinguishing a dependence requires strong consistency. No attention, no care-taking and no access for a period of equal length than they have already had the run of your room may be require to get them to stop trying to come in. Even then if they get in trouble because the only person who feeds them goes away for two weeks they will revert to wailing for you to feed them.
It is important to set boundaries with dependents so that that you are not being relied upon to do something you can't sustain. You'd be in a pickle if your room mates decided they could go away for six months and leave you in sole charge of the cats because they are sure you love the cats so much you wouldn't mind. You'd also be in a pickle if you being nice for three months results in you losing your temper at the four month mark because you can't get away from cats who are desperate for you to look after them. Much misery can come from giving a dependent expectations that you don't want to or you can't meet. You're smart to be taking this seriously and trying to set good boundaries and reasonable expectations before it gets out of hand.
posted by Jane the Brown at 4:10 PM on June 9, 2020 [5 favorites]
the other spends ~2 hours a week here
Someone spends only two hours a week with their cat(s)? That seems really unfair to the cat (and you). Seconding the idea that you should be able to trade for an upstairs room, if you want one.
posted by pinochiette at 4:29 PM on June 9, 2020 [5 favorites]
Someone spends only two hours a week with their cat(s)? That seems really unfair to the cat (and you). Seconding the idea that you should be able to trade for an upstairs room, if you want one.
posted by pinochiette at 4:29 PM on June 9, 2020 [5 favorites]
Yeah we need more info: how is an entire floor "not cat safe" and how is that being enforced?
posted by nakedmolerats at 5:39 PM on June 9, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by nakedmolerats at 5:39 PM on June 9, 2020 [4 favorites]
I would never let any cat in if they scratched at the door. I would let the one you want in by carrying it in. That cat may/will learn that it is ok and a treat to be carried in but otherwise no self invitations.
posted by AugustWest at 6:27 PM on June 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by AugustWest at 6:27 PM on June 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
What you need is a vacuum cleaner--handheld will probably do--and a power strip. Put the vacuum cleaner next to the door and plug it into the power strip. Keep the power strip close at hand by your bed, chair, wherever. When they scratch your door, hit the button on the power strip. It won't take long at all to retrain them. The vacuum cleaner should go on the inside of the door so they can't see whether the monster is guarding it. The only safe way to gain access is to be carried in your arms.
posted by carmicha at 7:42 PM on June 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by carmicha at 7:42 PM on June 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
Yes, you can consistently enforce the rule "scratching does not make doors open - don't scratch" while allowing an open door to mean that cats are welcome. However, if you want to allow one cat to come in when the door is open and others to keep out, that will be much harder make clear and consistently enforce although obviously Jane the Brown was able to do it but only because she completely and consistently ignored the other cats.
posted by metahawk at 8:10 PM on June 9, 2020
posted by metahawk at 8:10 PM on June 9, 2020
Get a baby gate, if it will stay in place outside the door with the door closed. They'll scratch the gate, but you can add foil or whatever and I find it less annoying. The gate being up is a signal that you will not open the door. Cats learn, but you have to be absolutely 100% consistent.
How much space is available when your door is closed? Enough? There have been ask.mes about cat toys. Amused cats won't knock on your door as often. When I had a cat, I hung a plastic hair clip from a door knob, very popular. Caps from water bottles, ping pong balls. They should have a scratching post. The owners should spend more time engaging with them.
posted by theora55 at 6:15 AM on June 10, 2020
How much space is available when your door is closed? Enough? There have been ask.mes about cat toys. Amused cats won't knock on your door as often. When I had a cat, I hung a plastic hair clip from a door knob, very popular. Caps from water bottles, ping pong balls. They should have a scratching post. The owners should spend more time engaging with them.
posted by theora55 at 6:15 AM on June 10, 2020
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by The corpse in the library at 12:03 PM on June 9, 2020 [1 favorite]