What to Wear When You're Getting Married on Zoom
June 6, 2020 9:59 PM Subscribe
We were always planning to elope and then have a big party later, but now, thanks to the wonders of video teleconferencing we are planning to get married in our apartment, with our cats, and our families and friends watching from a safe distance over video, in less than two weeks! Please help us brainstorm ways to make this special and memorable in a way that respects who we are as people and as a couple, with a limited budget, limited time, and limited access to shopping.
We are a very crafty couple -- our valentine's day ritual has been building NASA Lego sets together, and we're cutting up shipping boxes to make play structures for the cats. I ordered some silver smithing supplies and we handmade our rings on the patio of our apartment last week, based on a design concept we came up with together.
She does not want to wear a traditional wedding gown and she dislikes heels; she's looking at dresses that are less-traditional (and more attainable given stay-at-home orders). If Svaha sold wedding stuff, that would be about her speed. I have a couple of nice suits, but no tux. We've thought about leaning into the stay-at-home aesthetic and trawled Etsy together looking at bride/groom t-shirts and the like. There are a lot of "Quarantine Bride" / "Quarantine Groom" t-shirts. Some of them are cute and fun, but we don't want to make it all about quarantine -- our wedding pictures are going to be phone selfies in our apartment and maybe the park down the street, or webcam saves from the civil ceremony, so it's going to be pretty quarantine-y by definition! We're also finding a lot of funny/cute themed stuff, but we don't want our wedding memories to be e.g.: Disney themed (as much fun as the "[She/He]'s Mine Mine Mine Mine Mine" seagull shirts are).
I'm trying to reconcile my pragmatism with "we only get to do this once and it's actually kind of a huge deal." I want to come up with something special, together with her, and I'm sort of flailing because, you know, global pandemic! Like, we could do this in our pajamas, but we probably shouldn't! Neither of us stands on tradition, but it feels like we should do/make something special, for us, either in terms of what to wear or what to do with the apartment or.. what?
Any thoughts/ideas, if you've eloped in a similar way? We figure we'll do some flavor of the big wedding party/vow renewal ceremony in a couple of years, post-worst-of-pandemic, but for the day itself? Like to make it special somehow. I'm visual/mechanical artistic; she's musical artistic. We're both good at following instructions for crafty things.
We are a very crafty couple -- our valentine's day ritual has been building NASA Lego sets together, and we're cutting up shipping boxes to make play structures for the cats. I ordered some silver smithing supplies and we handmade our rings on the patio of our apartment last week, based on a design concept we came up with together.
She does not want to wear a traditional wedding gown and she dislikes heels; she's looking at dresses that are less-traditional (and more attainable given stay-at-home orders). If Svaha sold wedding stuff, that would be about her speed. I have a couple of nice suits, but no tux. We've thought about leaning into the stay-at-home aesthetic and trawled Etsy together looking at bride/groom t-shirts and the like. There are a lot of "Quarantine Bride" / "Quarantine Groom" t-shirts. Some of them are cute and fun, but we don't want to make it all about quarantine -- our wedding pictures are going to be phone selfies in our apartment and maybe the park down the street, or webcam saves from the civil ceremony, so it's going to be pretty quarantine-y by definition! We're also finding a lot of funny/cute themed stuff, but we don't want our wedding memories to be e.g.: Disney themed (as much fun as the "[She/He]'s Mine Mine Mine Mine Mine" seagull shirts are).
I'm trying to reconcile my pragmatism with "we only get to do this once and it's actually kind of a huge deal." I want to come up with something special, together with her, and I'm sort of flailing because, you know, global pandemic! Like, we could do this in our pajamas, but we probably shouldn't! Neither of us stands on tradition, but it feels like we should do/make something special, for us, either in terms of what to wear or what to do with the apartment or.. what?
Any thoughts/ideas, if you've eloped in a similar way? We figure we'll do some flavor of the big wedding party/vow renewal ceremony in a couple of years, post-worst-of-pandemic, but for the day itself? Like to make it special somehow. I'm visual/mechanical artistic; she's musical artistic. We're both good at following instructions for crafty things.
If you search YouTube for "Wedding in Covid Lockdown" or similar, then you can find out how other couples have solved the problem. You will notice that there are many stories - and also that your question has become a frequent one: so there is an industry of people trying to offer advice. Personally I like approach of the story of Alba Díaz and Daniel Camino - a Spanish couple who decided to get married on their balcony with their next door neighbour as a witness.
But I think the first question you need to ask is whether the ceremony will be the whole thing or whether it will be part 1 of 2 - an online prelude to a bigger celebration post lock-down. Personally, I believe that would be the best option for many people: wedding celebrations are all about knitting together communities of family and friends. A good wedding celebration involves dancing, drinking, eating, laughing and chatting as a group: everything that is anathema to the idea of social distancing.
The tradition for weddings for much of the world has become to send out a "save the date" card a few months in advance to let your guest know about and plan for the event. I think you could consider the idea of making the wedding itself a "save the date" for a planned get together on some future event (your first anniversary, or whatever date gives you a reasonable level of confidence of the party happening in a post pandemic world). Weddings, traditionally, are all about the "now" - and that is fine. But we are living at a time when everybody is looking forward to the end of the lockdown - everybody's forward diaries have been pretty much cleared and there is a hunger for events to fill them up. Give yourselves and your guests the pleasure of such an event.
Splitting the celebration in two takes the pressure off you to do everything to everybody's satisfaction on Zoom. That is good because there are manifold aspects to a Zoom ceremony that can and probably will go wrong. To help you structure all of this, I would consider talking to whoever will be marrying you: I would start off with the idea of things that you would like to have said: what you say to each other during the marriage, what other friends and family might be called on to say, and so on.
posted by rongorongo at 11:57 PM on June 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
But I think the first question you need to ask is whether the ceremony will be the whole thing or whether it will be part 1 of 2 - an online prelude to a bigger celebration post lock-down. Personally, I believe that would be the best option for many people: wedding celebrations are all about knitting together communities of family and friends. A good wedding celebration involves dancing, drinking, eating, laughing and chatting as a group: everything that is anathema to the idea of social distancing.
The tradition for weddings for much of the world has become to send out a "save the date" card a few months in advance to let your guest know about and plan for the event. I think you could consider the idea of making the wedding itself a "save the date" for a planned get together on some future event (your first anniversary, or whatever date gives you a reasonable level of confidence of the party happening in a post pandemic world). Weddings, traditionally, are all about the "now" - and that is fine. But we are living at a time when everybody is looking forward to the end of the lockdown - everybody's forward diaries have been pretty much cleared and there is a hunger for events to fill them up. Give yourselves and your guests the pleasure of such an event.
Splitting the celebration in two takes the pressure off you to do everything to everybody's satisfaction on Zoom. That is good because there are manifold aspects to a Zoom ceremony that can and probably will go wrong. To help you structure all of this, I would consider talking to whoever will be marrying you: I would start off with the idea of things that you would like to have said: what you say to each other during the marriage, what other friends and family might be called on to say, and so on.
posted by rongorongo at 11:57 PM on June 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
I am no fashion expert. I am often accused of having somewhat random ideas too so...
I did get married at a large wedding. We did not wear the same outfit the entire night. My bride, wore a tradional wedding dress for the ceremony, something else for the cocktail hour and yet something else for dinner. She even changed when we left for the hotel by the airport. I wore a tux for the ceremony, stayed in it for most of the night, but once we were dancing and taking off our jackets and shoes, I changed into nice slacks and a nice button down dress shirt.
My point is that I think you can pull off something more formal for the actual ceremony and then change into the cute t-shirts or whatever while you "mingle" with your guests.
I think you could also pick a drink that you hope everyone will have for a toast. Maybe that is champagne or maybe a shot of tequila or whatever you want. Depending on how formal you want to be and your food style, if it were me, I would suggest everyone have some pigs in a blanket or even a bagel bite mini pizza on hand too.
posted by AugustWest at 12:01 AM on June 7, 2020
I did get married at a large wedding. We did not wear the same outfit the entire night. My bride, wore a tradional wedding dress for the ceremony, something else for the cocktail hour and yet something else for dinner. She even changed when we left for the hotel by the airport. I wore a tux for the ceremony, stayed in it for most of the night, but once we were dancing and taking off our jackets and shoes, I changed into nice slacks and a nice button down dress shirt.
My point is that I think you can pull off something more formal for the actual ceremony and then change into the cute t-shirts or whatever while you "mingle" with your guests.
I think you could also pick a drink that you hope everyone will have for a toast. Maybe that is champagne or maybe a shot of tequila or whatever you want. Depending on how formal you want to be and your food style, if it were me, I would suggest everyone have some pigs in a blanket or even a bagel bite mini pizza on hand too.
posted by AugustWest at 12:01 AM on June 7, 2020
Congratulations!
Could you wear something which nods to your shared history? How you met, what you were wearing or where you went on your first date, or something related to the proposal? Clothing referencing your hometowns, your favorite vacation spot, the honeymoon you'd like to take later? Whatever you decide, think about incorporating a small item (wristwatch, jewelry, handkerchief, pocket square, socks) you can wear again at the vow renewal ceremony. For the apartment -- you could make a wedding arch (freestanding, on the wall, or as a gussied-up doorway), to frame you in your photographs and during the ceremony.
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:01 AM on June 7, 2020
Could you wear something which nods to your shared history? How you met, what you were wearing or where you went on your first date, or something related to the proposal? Clothing referencing your hometowns, your favorite vacation spot, the honeymoon you'd like to take later? Whatever you decide, think about incorporating a small item (wristwatch, jewelry, handkerchief, pocket square, socks) you can wear again at the vow renewal ceremony. For the apartment -- you could make a wedding arch (freestanding, on the wall, or as a gussied-up doorway), to frame you in your photographs and during the ceremony.
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:01 AM on June 7, 2020
When we went to City Hall (alone), I wore a knee-length white dress; my husband wore a nice button down and shorts. The outfits were comfortable enough for us to wear at a celebratory family picnic a few months later.
Your fiancée could totally wear a Svaha dress if she wanted; she doesn’t have to wear white for it to be special! I only wore white because I liked the cut and fabric of the dress I chose.
Also, I disagree with the post above that your marriage needs to (now, or ever) provide guests the opportunity to socialize or celebrate together. It’s great if that’s what you two want, but your wedding is about your love for and commitment to each other, not for anyone else.
posted by shb at 3:34 AM on June 7, 2020 [2 favorites]
Your fiancée could totally wear a Svaha dress if she wanted; she doesn’t have to wear white for it to be special! I only wore white because I liked the cut and fabric of the dress I chose.
Also, I disagree with the post above that your marriage needs to (now, or ever) provide guests the opportunity to socialize or celebrate together. It’s great if that’s what you two want, but your wedding is about your love for and commitment to each other, not for anyone else.
posted by shb at 3:34 AM on June 7, 2020 [2 favorites]
How about wearing absolutely amazing clothes up top, like your suit for you and an amazing white shirt for her, like this or this, and then getting some fancy new matching pajamas (I'm partial to penguins) and wearing the bottoms of those?
posted by cocoagirl at 3:48 AM on June 7, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by cocoagirl at 3:48 AM on June 7, 2020 [1 favorite]
A musical/artistic idea: today, ask all your guests to fill a few random glasses of water and video themselves ringing each glass with a fancy spoon. Then guests send you their videos and you stitch them together into a custom or well known song to play while you walk "up the aisle" towards the video camera for the ceremony.
posted by cocoagirl at 3:56 AM on June 7, 2020
posted by cocoagirl at 3:56 AM on June 7, 2020
We attended the online vows renewal ceremony of friends last month, and the officiant asked if anybody else wanted to renew their vows, which is how I renewed my wedding vows after 29 years while wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Maybe gt our friends and family to literally participate via some something similar?
posted by COD at 5:11 AM on June 7, 2020
posted by COD at 5:11 AM on June 7, 2020
I'd mail packets with confetti, streamers, and a printed (card stock, laser printer) invitation. Ask several participants to do readings, as you would at a wedding in person. There have been more than a few Ask.Mes for readings. My cousin wore a dress with a galaxy print that may very well have come from Svaha. Heels aren't required, but maybe a flower tiara? Many years ago, I wore gardenias in my hair; they smell blissful. This stuff is about what feels special to you, not some magazine's desire to sell stuff. Ask participants to have flowers and/or candles in camera range, if they 'd like to.
Maybe ask different friends to help, because these tasks get time-consuming. A paper banner, for your living room. Fresh flowers, candles, balloons, streamers can make the apartment festive. Love those arches; garden shops have stuff like that that can be painted. Silk flower garlands from craft stores or tissue paper flowers. Some friends had 1,000 paper cranes in pretty colors strung on thread as their decorations, we all took paper crane strands home, mine are hanging at a window.
Music? It's virtual, get YoYo Ma to play the entrance music, and a fantastic choir to do the recessional. I had a milestone birthday soon after lockdown began. I asked friends to pick some great dance music, and I made a birthday playlist, and danced around my living room. Get your friends to help with music.
I'd probably ask participants to buy a bottle of something bubbly (champagne, cider, ginger ale) and do toasts and give advice or sayings, as a sort of reception. I've done some Zoom happy hours, and without structure, it's not fun for me.
Mazel tov!
posted by theora55 at 8:48 AM on June 7, 2020 [2 favorites]
Maybe ask different friends to help, because these tasks get time-consuming. A paper banner, for your living room. Fresh flowers, candles, balloons, streamers can make the apartment festive. Love those arches; garden shops have stuff like that that can be painted. Silk flower garlands from craft stores or tissue paper flowers. Some friends had 1,000 paper cranes in pretty colors strung on thread as their decorations, we all took paper crane strands home, mine are hanging at a window.
Music? It's virtual, get YoYo Ma to play the entrance music, and a fantastic choir to do the recessional. I had a milestone birthday soon after lockdown began. I asked friends to pick some great dance music, and I made a birthday playlist, and danced around my living room. Get your friends to help with music.
I'd probably ask participants to buy a bottle of something bubbly (champagne, cider, ginger ale) and do toasts and give advice or sayings, as a sort of reception. I've done some Zoom happy hours, and without structure, it's not fun for me.
Mazel tov!
posted by theora55 at 8:48 AM on June 7, 2020 [2 favorites]
Try making a wedding bower to be married under to make it more ceremonious. If getting flowers to decorate the bower would be difficult, use strips of cloth like tulle or chiffon.
With the wedding dress the question is if it will be a one time only outfit. If your spouse feels that is a waste, then work backwards from what you can get, what she would like to wear at other occasions and what feels bridal enough for her. Consider a regular dress prettified with a veil or a wreathe of flowers or a removable floofy skirt, or going with separates.
Ask family if they have any used wedding dresses they would be willing to ship to you for alterations and wearing. Check with parents and other relatives what they wore and what was meaningful to them. My mother was married in a black suit at the courthouse, and the suit was afterwards useful for job hunting and court dates, so I really wanted to get married in a black suit myself. Since none was readily available for one reason or another, I ended up getting married in my grandmother's wedding dress which charmed her daughters. Relatives might be able to assist with their ideas, traditions or parts of their own outfits. Part of the reason for the something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue tradition is because it was originally practiced by couples who were economical, resourceful and had support from their community, and led to happily married couples who did well in life.
Get pictures of yourselves in full wedding formal, but also take one picture of yourselves in wedding formal from the waist up and pajama pants or boxers below the waist to commemorate marriage in a time of coronavirus.
Mazel Tov and best wishes!
posted by Jane the Brown at 11:25 AM on June 7, 2020
With the wedding dress the question is if it will be a one time only outfit. If your spouse feels that is a waste, then work backwards from what you can get, what she would like to wear at other occasions and what feels bridal enough for her. Consider a regular dress prettified with a veil or a wreathe of flowers or a removable floofy skirt, or going with separates.
Ask family if they have any used wedding dresses they would be willing to ship to you for alterations and wearing. Check with parents and other relatives what they wore and what was meaningful to them. My mother was married in a black suit at the courthouse, and the suit was afterwards useful for job hunting and court dates, so I really wanted to get married in a black suit myself. Since none was readily available for one reason or another, I ended up getting married in my grandmother's wedding dress which charmed her daughters. Relatives might be able to assist with their ideas, traditions or parts of their own outfits. Part of the reason for the something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue tradition is because it was originally practiced by couples who were economical, resourceful and had support from their community, and led to happily married couples who did well in life.
Get pictures of yourselves in full wedding formal, but also take one picture of yourselves in wedding formal from the waist up and pajama pants or boxers below the waist to commemorate marriage in a time of coronavirus.
Mazel Tov and best wishes!
posted by Jane the Brown at 11:25 AM on June 7, 2020
To maximize the feeling of it being special for you two (this is more important in my opinion than trying to please/include/whatever all your guests) and given your time and budget constraints, I’d focus on three things:
1. Your video. Set up an awesome video background (an arch, fairy lights out of focus for a cool bokeh effect, flowers, whatever you want) and test it beforehand with a techie friend (if you don’t have one, MeMail me and my audiovisual-nerd husband will totally jump on Zoom with you and help you figure out depth of field/focus/etc.). Literally put tape on the ground with where you should stand and on a desk for where your laptop should sit. Consider buying extra lighting if you need it. Test your audio including music you want to include. Ask a friend or family member to screen record the video and send it to you and another to be in charge of screen grabs for still images (you can still record too but this will be a great backup and make you less stressed about getting everything recorded and captured perfectly).
2. Your photos. Consider getting a phone tripod so you can take more than handheld selfies at home. Again practice and mark where you stand, where the phone is, and what the lighting is like for great photos. Figure out a spot and time of day in your park where the lighting is great, and ask a local friend to meet you there and shoot from his or her phone 6 or more feet away. iPhone portrait mode is pretty great in natural light.
3. Your clothing. If your budget can accommodate it, I think having something purpose-bought for the occasion makes it pretty special, though Jane the Brown makes a good case for reuse above. I’d totally go with Svaha if that’s your guys’ style, but for the sake of great video/photos, go with a more muted/abstract print or a solid color on top for her (like this, or this plus bonus glow-in-the-dark jellyfish for an end of ceremony dance party?). You wear your suit or a new button-down plus a matching or complementary tie from Svaha. Flip flops for her are awesome, and whatever shoes you want.
It’s going to be awesome whatever you do. Try to gear it towards stuff that will help you remember your wedding day in all its quirky awesomeness 5-10-20-30 years down the road! And congrats!!
posted by bananacabana at 11:46 AM on June 7, 2020
1. Your video. Set up an awesome video background (an arch, fairy lights out of focus for a cool bokeh effect, flowers, whatever you want) and test it beforehand with a techie friend (if you don’t have one, MeMail me and my audiovisual-nerd husband will totally jump on Zoom with you and help you figure out depth of field/focus/etc.). Literally put tape on the ground with where you should stand and on a desk for where your laptop should sit. Consider buying extra lighting if you need it. Test your audio including music you want to include. Ask a friend or family member to screen record the video and send it to you and another to be in charge of screen grabs for still images (you can still record too but this will be a great backup and make you less stressed about getting everything recorded and captured perfectly).
2. Your photos. Consider getting a phone tripod so you can take more than handheld selfies at home. Again practice and mark where you stand, where the phone is, and what the lighting is like for great photos. Figure out a spot and time of day in your park where the lighting is great, and ask a local friend to meet you there and shoot from his or her phone 6 or more feet away. iPhone portrait mode is pretty great in natural light.
3. Your clothing. If your budget can accommodate it, I think having something purpose-bought for the occasion makes it pretty special, though Jane the Brown makes a good case for reuse above. I’d totally go with Svaha if that’s your guys’ style, but for the sake of great video/photos, go with a more muted/abstract print or a solid color on top for her (like this, or this plus bonus glow-in-the-dark jellyfish for an end of ceremony dance party?). You wear your suit or a new button-down plus a matching or complementary tie from Svaha. Flip flops for her are awesome, and whatever shoes you want.
It’s going to be awesome whatever you do. Try to gear it towards stuff that will help you remember your wedding day in all its quirky awesomeness 5-10-20-30 years down the road! And congrats!!
posted by bananacabana at 11:46 AM on June 7, 2020
Some friends did a Zoom wedding a few weeks ago, that worked really well! A few things that seemed to help:
- They put up a cloth backdrop and did the ceremony between the camera and backdrop, to avoid a view of their living room. (You could likely use this for a Zoom background of some sort, but they did not.)
- They asked a friend to be the “videographer” and manage the Zoom meeting and recording, so that they didn’t need to fiddle with meeting settings during the event.
- Guests were asked to wear their version of fancy dress. This varied between a tuxedo t-shirt (the groom) and an actual tux (best man).
- Several cocktail recipes were shared in advance, including mocktails, and there were several toasts throughout the event.
- Pets were requested to be in attendance, and there was a moment near the beginning of the event welcoming furry guests!
- They used the “breakout rooms” feature in Zoom to assign guests for small group socializing after the ceremony, and the bride and groom spent 5-10m in each room. It simulated the effect of going table to table at a reception very well.
On the whole it was a wonderful event! One of the better weddings I’ve attended, virtual or physical.
Good luck!
posted by a device for making your enemy change his mind at 12:23 PM on June 7, 2020 [2 favorites]
- They put up a cloth backdrop and did the ceremony between the camera and backdrop, to avoid a view of their living room. (You could likely use this for a Zoom background of some sort, but they did not.)
- They asked a friend to be the “videographer” and manage the Zoom meeting and recording, so that they didn’t need to fiddle with meeting settings during the event.
- Guests were asked to wear their version of fancy dress. This varied between a tuxedo t-shirt (the groom) and an actual tux (best man).
- Several cocktail recipes were shared in advance, including mocktails, and there were several toasts throughout the event.
- Pets were requested to be in attendance, and there was a moment near the beginning of the event welcoming furry guests!
- They used the “breakout rooms” feature in Zoom to assign guests for small group socializing after the ceremony, and the bride and groom spent 5-10m in each room. It simulated the effect of going table to table at a reception very well.
On the whole it was a wonderful event! One of the better weddings I’ve attended, virtual or physical.
Good luck!
posted by a device for making your enemy change his mind at 12:23 PM on June 7, 2020 [2 favorites]
Also, fairy lights. No such thing as too many tittle twinkling lights for a wedding.
posted by theora55 at 5:08 PM on June 7, 2020
posted by theora55 at 5:08 PM on June 7, 2020
When we got married (pre-pandemic) we did it in Vegas with just the two of us and streamed the ceremony online to friends. We didn't plan anything because we had no idea who might tune in to watch but many people did and sent us pics of themselves later. Depending on the time zone some were in pajamas, some in their conference rooms at work; others at home with fancy drinks. I wish we'd had the opportunity to do it with them online so we could see them. I'd also suggest you have someone record it for you and also take some screenshots of people cheers-ing you, etc. We still have people telling us it was the best wedding they ever 'went to'.
BTW, I wore a gold dress I got online from Nordstrom for $120 because it was on sale as a post-holiday cocktail dress. So whatever, wear what you want! You can always take pictures in something else later or before.
posted by marylynn at 10:11 AM on June 8, 2020 [1 favorite]
BTW, I wore a gold dress I got online from Nordstrom for $120 because it was on sale as a post-holiday cocktail dress. So whatever, wear what you want! You can always take pictures in something else later or before.
posted by marylynn at 10:11 AM on June 8, 2020 [1 favorite]
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Also, you could have your guests each give a quote or some advice.
Finally, consider "breakout rooms" to let your guests socialize with each other in smaller groups - and have music!
posted by amtho at 11:26 PM on June 6, 2020 [1 favorite]