Keeping marriage a secret?
June 6, 2020 7:41 PM Subscribe
After the pandemic is over, I want to marry my partner. I don't want my dangerous stalker to ever find out about her or that we are together.
We want (need?) to get married for health insurance reasons. I guess my question is whether marriage records can be searched and found online (assume the stalker is very clever). We would not be changing our names or publicizing the marriage at all on social media, paper announcement, websites, blogs, etc. So it's basically a question of whether the govt keeps this info in a searchable digital database - and if I can request them not to. My name is unusual, partner's name is not.
Not worried about local city hall paper records because the stalker lives across the country.
Please no suggestions about dealing with stalkers in general as I'm pretty burned out on that topic, have already read "The Gift of Fear," etc.
We want (need?) to get married for health insurance reasons. I guess my question is whether marriage records can be searched and found online (assume the stalker is very clever). We would not be changing our names or publicizing the marriage at all on social media, paper announcement, websites, blogs, etc. So it's basically a question of whether the govt keeps this info in a searchable digital database - and if I can request them not to. My name is unusual, partner's name is not.
Not worried about local city hall paper records because the stalker lives across the country.
Please no suggestions about dealing with stalkers in general as I'm pretty burned out on that topic, have already read "The Gift of Fear," etc.
Yes this depends on the state. For example California offers confidential marriage licenses. In Michigan I believe they can be sealed by court order.
You don't have to live in California to be married here.
posted by muddgirl at 7:58 PM on June 6, 2020 [11 favorites]
You don't have to live in California to be married here.
posted by muddgirl at 7:58 PM on June 6, 2020 [11 favorites]
Is a name change a possibility for you? Even a fairly subtle one wouldn't take much to bollox up many search results. Very minor change to the spelling of your name, or swap your middle and last name, etc.
Speaking more specifically, in California there is such a thing as a confidential marriage license. Incredibly easy to get, and once gotten is virtually unsearchable (the clerk when we did this warned us to keep backups of our marriage license "just in case" because they might not be able to help us if we lost it).
posted by arnicae at 7:58 PM on June 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
Speaking more specifically, in California there is such a thing as a confidential marriage license. Incredibly easy to get, and once gotten is virtually unsearchable (the clerk when we did this warned us to keep backups of our marriage license "just in case" because they might not be able to help us if we lost it).
posted by arnicae at 7:58 PM on June 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
Could you change your name legally before the wedding so that your marriage license reflects a different name and doesn't link to past!you. Pointless if name-changes are also searchable.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 7:59 PM on June 6, 2020
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 7:59 PM on June 6, 2020
Name changes are most definitely public, I believe in most cases you need to place an ad in the local paper.
Whether that is searchable depends on the region.
posted by mekily at 8:05 PM on June 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
Whether that is searchable depends on the region.
posted by mekily at 8:05 PM on June 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
This website says (for what it is worth) that California has an option for “confidential” marriages and that Michigan has something known as “secret”marriages which are sealed by court order. I know for a fact that Texas marriage licenses are searchable online.
Edit: On preview, what Muddgirl said.
posted by DB Cooper at 8:11 PM on June 6, 2020
Edit: On preview, what Muddgirl said.
posted by DB Cooper at 8:11 PM on June 6, 2020
In some jurisdictions either partner can change their last name to match the other partner, whether they be male or female.
...so you could, potentially, change your last name (without newspaper notices) to something your stalker won't recognize.
posted by aramaic at 8:12 PM on June 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
...so you could, potentially, change your last name (without newspaper notices) to something your stalker won't recognize.
posted by aramaic at 8:12 PM on June 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
Might help to talk to a local lawyer.
posted by NotLost at 8:42 PM on June 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by NotLost at 8:42 PM on June 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
Would crossing the border to Mexico be an option? (When they reopen) I do not believe their records are online, and a stalker may not consider searching in other countries. Canada would be the other option but their borders are closed for the foreseeable future and the online ordering (in Ontario at least) can be hacked with someone that knows your personal information.
posted by saucysault at 9:14 PM on June 6, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by saucysault at 9:14 PM on June 6, 2020 [3 favorites]
Mileage may vary by time and location, but I've changed my first name once (in MS) and my last name three times (marriage in CA, divorce in CA, personal choice in MA) and never had to post an ad anywhere.
posted by invincible summer at 9:14 PM on June 6, 2020
posted by invincible summer at 9:14 PM on June 6, 2020
I got a confidential marriage in California because it was actually easier than the other kind - we were eloping from out-of-state, and a confidential marriage requires no witnesses; all we needed was the single officiant who married us.
There is no residency requirement - we stayed in Reno the night before and thus had been in California for just a couple of hours when we got married.
Lean more about it here. And if you're not near California, note that due to recent events, flights are cheap.
posted by Hatashran at 10:11 PM on June 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
There is no residency requirement - we stayed in Reno the night before and thus had been in California for just a couple of hours when we got married.
Lean more about it here. And if you're not near California, note that due to recent events, flights are cheap.
posted by Hatashran at 10:11 PM on June 6, 2020 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I married in California under a confidential marriage license and although my marriage records are not public, googling my name tells you within the first few hits that I live with my husband and all the places we have lived together... it doesn’t say we’re married but I think it’s obvious we have a relationship. I have reported it, requested the info be removed, etc., from various sites and it always turns up sooner or later. I actually changed my last name hoping it would provide more insulation but it doesn’t.
So while you may be able to keep someone from knowing you are in fact married, keeping them from suspecting or knowing you are in a relationship (the second part of your question) is far more difficult if you cohabitate in any way that has both your names involved. This includes one person being on the lease but the other receiving mail in their name at the same address.
Nonetheless, I wish you both luck and happiness.
posted by sm1tten at 11:35 PM on June 6, 2020 [11 favorites]
So while you may be able to keep someone from knowing you are in fact married, keeping them from suspecting or knowing you are in a relationship (the second part of your question) is far more difficult if you cohabitate in any way that has both your names involved. This includes one person being on the lease but the other receiving mail in their name at the same address.
Nonetheless, I wish you both luck and happiness.
posted by sm1tten at 11:35 PM on June 6, 2020 [11 favorites]
The traditional remedy for hiding a marriage in the age of online records is to marry in a different county to the one in which you are resident, preferably in a different state or country. My husband I are not resident in Canada (or Canadian) but married in Toronto, Ontario -- we just queued up and got a license. If you're in CA you could easily get married in Vancouver or somewhere else in BC.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:14 AM on June 7, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by DarlingBri at 4:14 AM on June 7, 2020 [1 favorite]
In addition to the info above, I recommend either not telling any family members that share your last name, or telling them all about the stalker. My family’s stalker found out a ton of info by befriending someone with our unusual last name who lived in the area. In our case this was an in-law who did not speak to us regularly but who did talk to other immediate family members who knew about the stalker but found such topics unsavory, and stuck to cheerful family news like marriages and children and towns we moved to. The stalker then had enough info to terrorize my family with calls to the police and CPS.
posted by tchemgrrl at 4:46 AM on June 7, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by tchemgrrl at 4:46 AM on June 7, 2020 [3 favorites]
Just want to emphasize sm1tten’s point. Even if you hide the marriage license, your commercial and online activity, including changes in your insurance, could give away the fact that you are married. That information could be commercially available to a determined stalker. DoD puts out a guide (Pdf) with instructions on how to on minimizing personal data collection for most major apps and how to opt out of data aggregators. If you haven’t done so already, it might be worth scrubbing your and your partner’s data prior to the marriage.
posted by chrisulonic at 6:19 AM on June 7, 2020 [9 favorites]
posted by chrisulonic at 6:19 AM on June 7, 2020 [9 favorites]
This varies widely by state and county. I’ve had to locate marriage records of family (with permission) for dual citizenship application, and in my state all i needed was the person’s name. Some of the counties are searchable online, some aren’t. For NY state, I had to have my grandmother request hers personally (she eloped and if she wasn’t still alive it would have been very difficult to locate, but was available online). A lot of the time even if the state won’t issue a record, a local clerk might issue a response to a search.
So at the very minimum, get married in another state and research the county first to see both what’s available online at the county and state level, as well as any other location the info might be obtained if someone were to call/email with a records request.
posted by DoubleLune at 6:41 AM on June 7, 2020
So at the very minimum, get married in another state and research the county first to see both what’s available online at the county and state level, as well as any other location the info might be obtained if someone were to call/email with a records request.
posted by DoubleLune at 6:41 AM on June 7, 2020
You might try contacting a human at the insurer and see if they have a procedure for this.
posted by nickggully at 7:44 AM on June 7, 2020
posted by nickggully at 7:44 AM on June 7, 2020
It looks like California is the only state that does Confidential Marriage Licenses. Marriage licenses are public records, they are collected by researchers and almost always become public. There is such a thing as a proxy marriage, it isn't cheap, but is legal. Ask the insurance company if they will accept it as valid. I know people who did this via Montana attorneys; one was a deployed member of the US military. The marriage license would then be in Montana. Anything you can do to make your names less specific should help. I'm sorry you're going through this.
posted by theora55 at 9:09 AM on June 7, 2020
posted by theora55 at 9:09 AM on June 7, 2020
Proxy marriage in Montana is allowed only if one party is either a member of the US armed forces or a resident of Montana, according to the article linked in the comment by theora55.
(I, too, am sorry that OP is having to go to these lengths to get married without putting themselves and their partner in danger.)
posted by virago at 12:40 PM on June 7, 2020 [1 favorite]
(I, too, am sorry that OP is having to go to these lengths to get married without putting themselves and their partner in danger.)
posted by virago at 12:40 PM on June 7, 2020 [1 favorite]
Come to Colorado and get married here! From the state website: "Vital records, including birth, death, adoption, marriage and divorce, are confidential per Colorado state statute (C.R.S. 25-2-117). As a result, Colorado vital records are not public records and therefore not searchable online."
Also, you can self-officiate in Colorado, you don't need witnesses or a licensed officiant. I know some folks whose wedding consisted of the spouses hiking up a mountain with their dogs, proclaiming themselves married, signing their paperwork and hiking back down.
Theoretically, if your stalker appeared in person at the County Court Clerk in the county in which the marriage took place, they could request a copy, but they would have to know where to go to do that, and if you have no other ties to Colorado they might not guess to look there. They would also have to provide the following info to make a request for a copy of the record/to view it:
The name of the parties to the record
The reason for record request
The date the event occurred
The place (county/city/town/village) the event occurred
Positive proof of identification
More info here
Pick a small town in the middle of beautiful nowhere on the Western Slope.
posted by zdravo at 5:18 PM on June 7, 2020 [3 favorites]
Also, you can self-officiate in Colorado, you don't need witnesses or a licensed officiant. I know some folks whose wedding consisted of the spouses hiking up a mountain with their dogs, proclaiming themselves married, signing their paperwork and hiking back down.
Theoretically, if your stalker appeared in person at the County Court Clerk in the county in which the marriage took place, they could request a copy, but they would have to know where to go to do that, and if you have no other ties to Colorado they might not guess to look there. They would also have to provide the following info to make a request for a copy of the record/to view it:
The name of the parties to the record
The reason for record request
The date the event occurred
The place (county/city/town/village) the event occurred
Positive proof of identification
More info here
Pick a small town in the middle of beautiful nowhere on the Western Slope.
posted by zdravo at 5:18 PM on June 7, 2020 [3 favorites]
FYI for those advocating a legal name change, I did this recently to change the spelling of my name to synchronize the spelling change to my first name I made in junior high school. Think Judi v. Judy, this kind of thing. Most of my legal records (drivers license, marriage license, bank account, employment records) had the new spelling but not my birth certificate or SS #. I needed to synchronize these for Real ID. In PA it cost $1800 in legal fees and another $200 for legal advertising.
Much cheaper to seek a no-search of records state. But if you have a serious fear of being tracked down by a sophisticated and malevolent stalker, it might be wiser and more durable to actually legally change your name. Of course, you could do both.
posted by citygirl at 6:02 PM on June 7, 2020 [1 favorite]
Much cheaper to seek a no-search of records state. But if you have a serious fear of being tracked down by a sophisticated and malevolent stalker, it might be wiser and more durable to actually legally change your name. Of course, you could do both.
posted by citygirl at 6:02 PM on June 7, 2020 [1 favorite]
Having the marriage somewhere other than where you live is a terrific idea. Even if you can convince the county not to put records online (has worked for me for years and years) they always say that cannot legally prohibit someone from looking at the paper records, which are public.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 1:57 PM on June 9, 2020
posted by Lesser Shrew at 1:57 PM on June 9, 2020
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posted by saeculorum at 7:50 PM on June 6, 2020