Social isolating with other people. Overwhelmingly lonely. Help.
June 5, 2020 11:14 PM   Subscribe

I'm staying with my parents during the pandemic. I cannot leave. I cannot go out. I have no one to talk to. I'm so lonely. How can I connect with other human beings in a friendship-like way. At night. Preferably typing

I am living with others but those others have no interest in ever having a conversation. My mother wants to clean and cook. She does not want help because only she does things right. She does not want to talk while she does things. My father wants to watch tv from the moment he opens his eyes to the moment he closes them. If I speak to him he shushes me, even during commercials. The television is always at max volume watching yell-y tv shows. I can't stand it. He doesn't want anyone watching with him, anyway. They do not want to sit for meals together. They do not want to play cards or games. They do not even want to watch a movie with me.

I don't try to engage them anymore, because I'm tired of getting my feelings hurt when I do.

Just to be clear, they're not angry or anything else. I do not believe they are depressed. They are happy to have me here. The talk to me when they need something. They say thank you when I help. They just have no interest at all in engaging in conversations. I have attempted to tell them that I am lonely and I need meaningful contact and they dismiss this, sometimes in a mocking way.

I need people I can engage with. I am on social networks, but passing likes and comments aren't real engagement. I want to have conversations with people. Talk about stuff we did, movies, books, interesting articles, news. Like the kind of conversations I once had when going out for dinner with friends. My schedule requires that this be at night, like say 8-11 central time. I know I am asking for the moon, but I want something like friendship, not to chat with a different random stranger every month.

I have friends. They are all busy and pandemic-affected in ways that make them unavailable. I text sometimes, and that's nice, but its not enough.

I feel like there's no solution here other than suck it up for the next few months., but maybe there's something I'm not thinking of. Is there something I'm not thinking of?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (15 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
 
Mefi chat?
posted by AugustWest at 11:28 PM on June 5, 2020 [9 favorites]


For most of my friends and myself the solution to this has been video games. Right now I'm on a discord server for metafilter folks who play Animal Crossing, it has been a total lifesaver, I get some social interaction every day. I also have a weekly boardgame night with real friends - it was established a couple years ago IRL and when covid hit we moved the gaming to tabletop simulator, which is a video game that, you guessed it, simulates tabletop games. We all have headsets and there's usually half an hour or so of chatter before we start playing every week.

My best friend does a lot of gaming too - he runs raids in Final Fantasy Online, which always seem to devolve into general friendly talk before or after. He plays a few role playing games - one has always been virtual, over voice chat, with our old long distance friends, and the other used to be in person and they've now moved it online.

I'm on a mailing list for a local yarn store and apparently they're recreating their roundtable stitch sessions with a zoom version - I think I'd need to join their group on Ravelry for the invite and then every night from 5-8 I could hang out and crochet with a bunch of people and talk. As I never did this when it was IRL I've not bothered to do so now, but I'm thinking about it.

There's a bunch of different ways to do this it seems, but the key appears, like with RL contact, to make it as easy as possible, to be available, and to be vocal about your commitment. Maybe you have other family members who are long distance who would like to have, say, a weekly zoom dinner? Every Thursday night, or something. Reach out and be proactive with your suggestion and then make it stick. Your busy friends might be able to make some time if they know it's a set day and time every time, with no changes.

I've thought about setting up a discord server for my social media friends to chill in and share and discuss links and content in more personal ways than likes and reblogs. Haven't gotten to that point yet but it's coming. You could make a group chat and invite friends and see who shows up? It's been interesting to see who is really reaching out these days and who is retreating. You could look for local groups and maybe local stores in your community who are moving activities online and participate in those. You could make a virtual event in IRL here on Metafilter, or even go hang out in the regular mefi chat room.

It helps for people to have an activity to organize around. For me that seems to be games, which come with a side of unrelated talking and checking in. For you it might be something like community activism, or cooking ideas, or a book club. Pick a thing and see if anyone's already talking about it. Become a regular. If nobody's talking about it make a space for it and invite everyone and see who sticks around, be reliable, and they'll continue to stick around.
posted by Mizu at 11:35 PM on June 5, 2020 [4 favorites]


If you have friends online, try reaching out to them and see if they're up for a chat on Facebook messenger or similar (Discord, Snapchat, whatever). If not, gaming is a great way to get that and certain blog comment areas can be too - mefi chat is probably a good start, my other references are a bit out of date.
posted by Lady Li at 11:46 PM on June 5, 2020


If you like the idea of games/video games but don't have any and don't want to have to buy games and gear, you could try boardgamearena.com (which has a free tier) and set up game nights with like-minded individuals.

I've also been invited to some virtual book clubs and other activity-based gatherings so you could try searching out options like those around specifics that interest you.

Weird idea - you could consider streaming an activity on Twitch (most who stream on Twitch are video gamers but there are streamers for a diversity of interests); I remember seeing a New Zealand woodworking Twitch channel recently) and then you could build your own community in the chat and on Discord. I know a number of streamers actually have found partners and lifelong friends from their chat communities.
posted by vegartanipla at 12:21 AM on June 6, 2020 [1 favorite]


Fandom is great! I chat on Discord to [media name redacted] fans every day, have made some of the closest friendships I've ever had in fandom. It's friendly and supportive. You can meet fans on tumblr and/or twitter, but I recommend moving to Discord or similar when you can get an invite, because it makes it easier to build the kinds of deep friendships you're talking about.
posted by Acheman at 12:55 AM on June 6, 2020 [1 favorite]


Hi, do you think you might find it interesting to find a pen pal? You could ask the mods to add a throw-away email to your post - I wouldn't be surprised if there are MeFi people who are in the same boat.

I think there are also pen pal platforms and other ways to find pen pals online - I found this googleing 'find pen pal': http://www.penpalworld.com/. Haven't tried it myself, but you might find something congenial.

Good luck.
posted by doggod at 5:48 AM on June 6, 2020 [2 favorites]


Video games are good. I have doubled down on the Marco Polo app since being quarantined. It's a super good app for hanging out with friends. It's a video chat app, but you don't have to talk at the same time. So you send videos back and forth. But because the other person can watch your video live, you can actually engage in real conversations. And it supports groups, so I have a group with my three best friends and we talk sometimes all day. I have another group of friends who like to talk about music. And another one with my whole family, all over the world (19 people). Because it's not a live video chat, you can carry on a conversation while you're doing other things. It has really helped me during this time.

I promise I'm not paid by them or anything like that. I'm just a fan.
posted by crapples at 5:50 AM on June 6, 2020


Have you asked friends if they would sit with you and text/IM/or something? Like setup a date and time where you could converse? It’s far too easy to assume everyone is too busy for you, but so many of us are pining for some social interaction. Some of us want video chat. Some want phone calls. Some like text.
posted by advicepig at 7:02 AM on June 6, 2020 [1 favorite]


It's really hard. I would pretty much be lost without social media and video chat.

Here are a few ideas:
* Weekly teletherapy. Huge. I get it all off my chest with someone who doesn't need me to return the favor, and it helps. Even if you don't think you "need" therapy - just needing someone to talk to is a perfectly legitimate reason to get a therapist. I shared a few options here.

* When you say your friends are too busy and overwhelmed to talk - have they told you this? Are you sure they meant it for 100% of covid or just that day? Framing helps: "I'd love to catch up this week; do you have time for a call/chat?"

* On social media, make posts that invite engagement. Ask about friends' favorite movies, or post a meme/article with a question. Sometimes it might flop, sometimes people will get really engaged talking about the first time they saw Casablanca or sharing their thoughts on why exactly sourdough has become such a thing in covid. It helps.

* Message me. I have a lot going on and I sometimes forget to check my memail, but I'll respond. I'm often free after 8 central, and am happy to talk.

* Get on dreamwidth or a similar platform. A few years ago there was a push to get mefites to find and friend each other there.

* Most of the dating apps are offering an online dating option. I haven't tried that feature, but you could create a profile and give it a shot. If you don't want to date, be specific that you're looking for friends and people to chat with - and be selective about who you proceed with.

* Those friends you want to chat with? Create an FB list with just those people (assuming you're all on FaceBook). Share the stuff you want to talk about to that list; they can respond in their own time.
posted by bunderful at 7:13 AM on June 6, 2020 [3 favorites]


Honestly, I’ve found exactly that on Tinder. Even those hours are the perfect time to text/chat.

If you’d like something more explicitly platonic, Bumble used to have Bumble BFF, which was like a swiping app but for friendships.
posted by rue72 at 7:15 AM on June 6, 2020


There's a lot of clubs meeting virtually, that are open to new people joining the meeting as a guest. For example, a few stereo-photography clubs have meetings worldwide.
Maybe check meetup.com in other cities where the timing for meetings may match your schedule.
posted by Sophont at 7:31 AM on June 6, 2020


I'm quarantining far from the place where I had (tenuous) IRL social contacts and I've let go of a lot of those relationships because I realized I was always the one reaching out. I hear you on wanting to chat with people.

I'm so sorry that your parents are the way they are. It's not you, it's them. If you can get hold of noise-cancelling headphones or earbuds, they'll help reduce the impact of the awful TV. And honestly, if they bitch about those (and they're likely to do so), don't listen to them.

For me, online communities fill the bill. If you're a non-man and if you are (or have ever been, or want to be) in tech, I have a great community I could suggest. PM me if interested.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 7:51 AM on June 6, 2020 [1 favorite]


I'm sorry. This is hard. As doggod says above, other mefites are probably in the same boat. If you drop me a memail I'd be happy to talk with you about books and the news and stuff. But I know it's not the same as talking to people you already know.
posted by ferret branca at 11:47 AM on June 6, 2020 [1 favorite]


You really really can't go out, as in, walk for exercise, maybe with someone physically distanced?

What's the closest online equivalent to sitting around with friends watching a video and then - or during - discussing it?
posted by Baeria at 8:00 PM on June 6, 2020 [1 favorite]


I’m in basically the same situation (except my parents are much chattier than yours; it’s still tough to be isolated without my normal friends and social outlets ) — feel free to DM me anytime!

I have a couple of interactive Zoom-based events I could recommend as well if you’re interested!
posted by shaademaan at 8:11 PM on June 6, 2020


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