How does check etiquette work in 2020?
May 29, 2020 6:29 AM Subscribe
I'm feeling super awkward about a check I received as a gift and didn't cash in a timely manner. Can you help me out of this pickle?
I was married in January (yay!) and my aunt and uncle gave us a generous check as a wedding gift. We tried to e-deposit the check right after the wedding but my bank rejected it because they "couldn't verify it was written in the last six months". The check was dated the same day as the wedding, so it seems fine to me, but the date was written in an unusual order that must have thrown off the automated verification system. No biggie, I could always try to follow up with my bank or with my aunt and uncle to figure out a fix, but I dragged my feet on dealing with it, and now I feel really awkward about bring it up (or cashing it) months later.
Compounding that - my aunt and uncle (a freelancer and a small-business owner, respectively) have been hit hard financially by COVID-19, while my husband and I have not. They also purchased their first house last year, but haven't been able to finish remodeling/move in, so between those factors, I'm sure liquidity is a major challenge. I don't mean to insult them in any way - they're financially responsible adults who are perfectly capable of making their own decisions - but I suspect we don't need this money as much as they do, and I'm 100% fine "giving it back" to them.
We have a good relationship, so I don't know why I feel so awkward about this, but I really don't know how to bring it up (and I assume just tearing up the check without telling them is sort of rude as well since it may leave them wondering). Can someone help me out with a script for this?
(on a related note...we're also delinquent on many of our thank-you cards, including theirs. Currently feeling similarly awkward about sending those late, although I plan to bite the bullet and do it this weekend. Not sure how to word theirs given my current conundrum. Or perhaps there's a way to leverage "I was writing thank you notes and I just realized..." to bring this up to them?)
I was married in January (yay!) and my aunt and uncle gave us a generous check as a wedding gift. We tried to e-deposit the check right after the wedding but my bank rejected it because they "couldn't verify it was written in the last six months". The check was dated the same day as the wedding, so it seems fine to me, but the date was written in an unusual order that must have thrown off the automated verification system. No biggie, I could always try to follow up with my bank or with my aunt and uncle to figure out a fix, but I dragged my feet on dealing with it, and now I feel really awkward about bring it up (or cashing it) months later.
Compounding that - my aunt and uncle (a freelancer and a small-business owner, respectively) have been hit hard financially by COVID-19, while my husband and I have not. They also purchased their first house last year, but haven't been able to finish remodeling/move in, so between those factors, I'm sure liquidity is a major challenge. I don't mean to insult them in any way - they're financially responsible adults who are perfectly capable of making their own decisions - but I suspect we don't need this money as much as they do, and I'm 100% fine "giving it back" to them.
We have a good relationship, so I don't know why I feel so awkward about this, but I really don't know how to bring it up (and I assume just tearing up the check without telling them is sort of rude as well since it may leave them wondering). Can someone help me out with a script for this?
(on a related note...we're also delinquent on many of our thank-you cards, including theirs. Currently feeling similarly awkward about sending those late, although I plan to bite the bullet and do it this weekend. Not sure how to word theirs given my current conundrum. Or perhaps there's a way to leverage "I was writing thank you notes and I just realized..." to bring this up to them?)
We live in interesting times. That gives you a lot of social latitude. You don't need to go into details. Don't make excuses.
Have some pandemic small talk, explain how things are going ok for you and your new marriage is great, even with trying times. Say thank you for the gift (Thank You Card - COMPLETE!), then explain how you have been negligent in cashing the check.
Then just say:
Hey, I know this is weird but we are in Weirdsville anyways with not a lot of hope of exiting soon. I could very easily not cash this check and my life would go on. I truly appreciate the gift and our relationship and both of you. But if this would materially help you in any way right now, I could very easily not cash this. Please do not take this as demeaning or expressing anything over the gift or our opinion of your finances, which I know nothing really about. If I had been non-negligent and cashed it earlier, I would not be giving this a second thought. But with this check in my hand and feeling guilty about not cashing it earlier, I wanted to just offer. If it would help you in any small way, I'd love to do that for you. If not, let me know and I'll cash the check this time. Honest. And thanks again for the gift.
posted by cmm at 7:11 AM on May 29, 2020 [1 favorite]
Have some pandemic small talk, explain how things are going ok for you and your new marriage is great, even with trying times. Say thank you for the gift (Thank You Card - COMPLETE!), then explain how you have been negligent in cashing the check.
Then just say:
Hey, I know this is weird but we are in Weirdsville anyways with not a lot of hope of exiting soon. I could very easily not cash this check and my life would go on. I truly appreciate the gift and our relationship and both of you. But if this would materially help you in any way right now, I could very easily not cash this. Please do not take this as demeaning or expressing anything over the gift or our opinion of your finances, which I know nothing really about. If I had been non-negligent and cashed it earlier, I would not be giving this a second thought. But with this check in my hand and feeling guilty about not cashing it earlier, I wanted to just offer. If it would help you in any small way, I'd love to do that for you. If not, let me know and I'll cash the check this time. Honest. And thanks again for the gift.
posted by cmm at 7:11 AM on May 29, 2020 [1 favorite]
We have failed
To cash the check
That was gifted
For our wedding
Forgive us
it was poorly date formatted
Our bank was dickish
And we were busy
Kidding aside, how about telling them that your bank won't accept it, tell them that you'll tear it up but it would mean a lot if they could get you item X instead. (With item X being something that's much less expensive than the value of the check.) Thus, they get to save face by giving you a gift, but they don't have to cover the full dollar value of the check.
posted by Larry David Syndrome at 8:04 AM on May 29, 2020 [11 favorites]
To cash the check
That was gifted
For our wedding
Forgive us
it was poorly date formatted
Our bank was dickish
And we were busy
Kidding aside, how about telling them that your bank won't accept it, tell them that you'll tear it up but it would mean a lot if they could get you item X instead. (With item X being something that's much less expensive than the value of the check.) Thus, they get to save face by giving you a gift, but they don't have to cover the full dollar value of the check.
posted by Larry David Syndrome at 8:04 AM on May 29, 2020 [11 favorites]
Another thought- if your aunt and uncle are known for making any crafts, you could say that you'd love some of her crochet work or a piece of his stained glass, or whatever, it would always make you think of them etc.
posted by Larry David Syndrome at 8:14 AM on May 29, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by Larry David Syndrome at 8:14 AM on May 29, 2020 [1 favorite]
I would be inclined not to head straight into making an offer, but rather providing an update:
"Hey, you sent us a generous cheque for the wedding. We weren't able to cash it at the time because of a problem with the way the date was written, and then post-wedding craziness and COVID-19 got in the way. We wanted to let you know, so you wouldn't be worried that we might all of a sudden cash it in the middle of this pandemic."
Then see what their reaction is. If they immediately offer to replace it, you can demur and defer without declining-- "I know things are pretty different for everyone now than they were a few months ago, so if you want to hold off on sending a new cheque until everything is more stable, please do. We love you and we know you love us, and replacing a cheque shouldn't be a priority right now."
If they don't offer to replace it, then respond to whatever they do say in order to encourage them not to and to not feel guilty about it. For example, if they say "oh, well, things are really tough right now" you can follow with something like "we know, the pandemic has been really hard on a lot of people -- that's why we wanted to reach out, to make sure you knew that we weren't going to be able to cash that cheque, so you still have that money that you can spend during this difficult time."
posted by jacquilynne at 8:53 AM on May 29, 2020 [15 favorites]
"Hey, you sent us a generous cheque for the wedding. We weren't able to cash it at the time because of a problem with the way the date was written, and then post-wedding craziness and COVID-19 got in the way. We wanted to let you know, so you wouldn't be worried that we might all of a sudden cash it in the middle of this pandemic."
Then see what their reaction is. If they immediately offer to replace it, you can demur and defer without declining-- "I know things are pretty different for everyone now than they were a few months ago, so if you want to hold off on sending a new cheque until everything is more stable, please do. We love you and we know you love us, and replacing a cheque shouldn't be a priority right now."
If they don't offer to replace it, then respond to whatever they do say in order to encourage them not to and to not feel guilty about it. For example, if they say "oh, well, things are really tough right now" you can follow with something like "we know, the pandemic has been really hard on a lot of people -- that's why we wanted to reach out, to make sure you knew that we weren't going to be able to cash that cheque, so you still have that money that you can spend during this difficult time."
posted by jacquilynne at 8:53 AM on May 29, 2020 [15 favorites]
Hey, just to put your mind at ease re: thank you cards, Ms. Manners always said one has up to a year after the wedding to send those out. You're not late! You're still good!
posted by cooker girl at 8:56 AM on May 29, 2020
posted by cooker girl at 8:56 AM on May 29, 2020
(cooker girl, the one-year rule is for guests to send gifts. Thank-you notes are still due ASAP.)
posted by Siobhan at 9:16 AM on May 29, 2020 [8 favorites]
posted by Siobhan at 9:16 AM on May 29, 2020 [8 favorites]
I would send a thank you note not mentioning your failure to cash it, and never mention it.
posted by amaire at 10:36 AM on May 29, 2020
posted by amaire at 10:36 AM on May 29, 2020
I lean towards amaire's solution here, with one caveat: some people actively use checkbook registers, which will remain unbalanced forever if the check goes uncashed. A relative has chastised me about this in a similar situation.
posted by Ryon at 12:28 PM on May 29, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by Ryon at 12:28 PM on May 29, 2020 [2 favorites]
I gave a family friend a cheque on her wedding in November and I know she hadn't cashed it for at least a month or so after the wedding. It wasn't a worry because the account always has enough in it but I really should check to see if she did cash it and if not mail her another one. OK, I just checked and it hasn't been cashed yet. I'm going to email her and let her know I'll be sending out another one. I hadn't really thought about the cheque until I read your Ask and your aunt and uncle might have similarly forgot about the one they gave you.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 12:33 PM on May 29, 2020
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 12:33 PM on May 29, 2020
Hm, assuming you &/or your partner are employed and WFH, I'd write thanking your aunt and uncle for the check, and then say something like
We tried to cash it using our banking app but couldn't make it work, and then with the pandemic, we didn't want to go into a branch. And now we don't want to cash it at all. We're both super lucky to be working from home and getting paid our regular salaries. We know it's different for freelancers and people running their own business. If you really want to give us something [insert token thing here]. But we can't take money from you right now. We love you, please humor us.
In other words just tell the truth and say what you feel. It's just true that the pandemic is affecting different people differently. It's okay to acknowledge that. You're not critiquing their life choices: none of this is their fault.
posted by Susan PG at 1:16 PM on May 29, 2020 [2 favorites]
We tried to cash it using our banking app but couldn't make it work, and then with the pandemic, we didn't want to go into a branch. And now we don't want to cash it at all. We're both super lucky to be working from home and getting paid our regular salaries. We know it's different for freelancers and people running their own business. If you really want to give us something [insert token thing here]. But we can't take money from you right now. We love you, please humor us.
In other words just tell the truth and say what you feel. It's just true that the pandemic is affecting different people differently. It's okay to acknowledge that. You're not critiquing their life choices: none of this is their fault.
posted by Susan PG at 1:16 PM on May 29, 2020 [2 favorites]
...because of a problem with the way the date was written...
A small adjustment if it were me. This is just me not liking to be an unintentional jerk critic, but I would say there was a technical issue at the time which caused the problem. Still the truth, less chance of making them feel like the problem.
posted by Evilspork at 4:56 PM on May 29, 2020 [3 favorites]
A small adjustment if it were me. This is just me not liking to be an unintentional jerk critic, but I would say there was a technical issue at the time which caused the problem. Still the truth, less chance of making them feel like the problem.
posted by Evilspork at 4:56 PM on May 29, 2020 [3 favorites]
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posted by zadcat at 7:07 AM on May 29, 2020 [27 favorites]