My 60 old mom keeps needing money. She's depressed. Wants to move in.
May 12, 2020 9:50 AM Subscribe
My 60 year old broke and depressed mother living in a different country is declining mentally and financially. She is wanting more and more money and also to live in with me.
My 60 year old broke and depressed mother living in a different country is declining mentally and financially. She is wanting more and more money and also to live in with me.
I’ve talked to a lot of my friends and can’t figure out a good solution. I think it’s a combination of mental care and personal finance question.
I’m an only child; My parents immigrated from Russia during the 90s, moved to Israel and then divorced when I was a teenager. I have moved to the USA a little over a decade ago and built myself a life here.
My mother doesn’t have any other family nor relatives in Israel. She has 2 sisters that live in Russia and they are doing pretty well.
The last five years I noticed a decline in my mother’s mood and behavior. I suspect she has some bi polar condition, as she told me before she tried some mental meds in the past. I’m unsure if she is on any currently. She doesn’t see any psychologists or psychiatrist.
In the last five years she became very negative, becomes very aggressive if anyone offers her advice or tells her that her plan is unrealistic or even requires more research. She became alienated with a lot of her former longtime friends in Israel and even with her sister with her negative demeanor. She lives in a small resort town that is unfortunately in major decline. Aside of the covid situation that put traveling on halt, it is very dated and has a slowly and steady declined in yearly tourists as people discover more interesting and affordable and exciting locales. It is pretty bad right now overall and will get a little worse every year as they closed the only airport that was in that city and opened a new one that is a full hour away which made traveling there extra inconvenient.
She is depressed and has this thing where she idealizes that in different plane all her problems will immediately disappear. Some serious ideas she had in the last 5 years are: move to a small village in china to live the simple life , move to a small village in Italy, live in a monestary type situation. As an example of poor planning, is about 3 years ago, she wanted to leave her small tourist town and move do a different small town north if Israel. She would get really upset when I asked her what she would do for a living over there. She signed a year long lease of a place she found online, sight unseen, paid the movers almost 3 grand to move all her furniture over there. Within 3 days she called me, crying hysterically saying she made a huge mistake, there’s no public transportation, places to buy food, work. I urged her to give it at least a week if not a month before going back to her original tourist town as she sunk so much money into already and she should give it an honest try but she refused to hear anything. So 3 days later, she spent another 3 grand to move back her furniture back home, fighting to cancel her 1 year long lease. Other things she did in the last decade is Herbalife (basically a MLM scam), got really big into Kabala (going to seminars, watching it nonstop), got into NLP for a few years. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out she feels she doesn’t have a goal or a propose as she has no family where she lives at and probably feels very lonely.
I live in the country on some acreage, about 15 minutes away from a small town and about an hour from a major city. I’m currently living with my girlfriend and will propose this year sometime. We plan to try for children as soon as possible.
The only upside is that she has a mostly paid for apartment in Israel that she lives at, about 85% paid for. She can sell it, probably get around 100-150k and live off it.
As I see it, there are 2 options:
She can go back to Russia, both her sisters have paid for housing, the one she is close to has 2 apartments (she rents one for income) in the city and one in the countryside and would more than welcome her. She knows the language, she could potentially find simple work like a store clerk or live off the savings from her house the she can sell. Her sister thinks it’s a great idea and invited her multiple times in the last few years. My mother went there with me last year for a few weeks, considering a long term stay with a potential permanent move in but then decided she doesn’t like it.
The other obvious solution is to bring her here, but I feel like she will be under my care both financially and mentally/socially as she doesn’t knows English, has zero savings, doesn’t drive a car (its 15 minutes on the highway to the closest grocery store). So her entire social circle will be myself. Her pension is a tiny $300 a month. You can imagine that in the USA that won’t even cover a single doctor plus meds visit with no insurance as she’ll get older. It will obviously put a major strain on my future wife relationship.
I have sent her $2000 a few months ago due to a plumbing emergency at her place. Then I sent her $1000 for her birthday last month. Today she called and asked me to send $5000. After a long silence she said maybe I can take a loan and send it to her. I told her I can send her the money, but what is going to happen in 3 months? In 6 months? I told her that she should sell her house in a year hopefully after the covid is done with and then move to Russia. She didn’t like that idea at all and wanted to finish the phone call immediately.
I feel very conflicted and guilty. She was a single mom raising me from 12-18. We are not especially close but I had an ok childhood and she did everything she could for me.
I know that if she moves her to try it here it will be permanently and pay for everything in perpetuity. I’m very close to getting married and have children and the thought of my mother living with me makes me feel very anxious. She is 60 years old, not handicapped, physically able and has other options.
I still feel like a very bad son and like I will betray her by refusing her to move in with me.
Do you have any words of advice for me?
Should I find a local psychologist to help her with depression? You can’t force someone to go is the problem.
What would you do?
Am I being selfish of not even considering option number 2?
My 60 year old broke and depressed mother living in a different country is declining mentally and financially. She is wanting more and more money and also to live in with me.
I’ve talked to a lot of my friends and can’t figure out a good solution. I think it’s a combination of mental care and personal finance question.
I’m an only child; My parents immigrated from Russia during the 90s, moved to Israel and then divorced when I was a teenager. I have moved to the USA a little over a decade ago and built myself a life here.
My mother doesn’t have any other family nor relatives in Israel. She has 2 sisters that live in Russia and they are doing pretty well.
The last five years I noticed a decline in my mother’s mood and behavior. I suspect she has some bi polar condition, as she told me before she tried some mental meds in the past. I’m unsure if she is on any currently. She doesn’t see any psychologists or psychiatrist.
In the last five years she became very negative, becomes very aggressive if anyone offers her advice or tells her that her plan is unrealistic or even requires more research. She became alienated with a lot of her former longtime friends in Israel and even with her sister with her negative demeanor. She lives in a small resort town that is unfortunately in major decline. Aside of the covid situation that put traveling on halt, it is very dated and has a slowly and steady declined in yearly tourists as people discover more interesting and affordable and exciting locales. It is pretty bad right now overall and will get a little worse every year as they closed the only airport that was in that city and opened a new one that is a full hour away which made traveling there extra inconvenient.
She is depressed and has this thing where she idealizes that in different plane all her problems will immediately disappear. Some serious ideas she had in the last 5 years are: move to a small village in china to live the simple life , move to a small village in Italy, live in a monestary type situation. As an example of poor planning, is about 3 years ago, she wanted to leave her small tourist town and move do a different small town north if Israel. She would get really upset when I asked her what she would do for a living over there. She signed a year long lease of a place she found online, sight unseen, paid the movers almost 3 grand to move all her furniture over there. Within 3 days she called me, crying hysterically saying she made a huge mistake, there’s no public transportation, places to buy food, work. I urged her to give it at least a week if not a month before going back to her original tourist town as she sunk so much money into already and she should give it an honest try but she refused to hear anything. So 3 days later, she spent another 3 grand to move back her furniture back home, fighting to cancel her 1 year long lease. Other things she did in the last decade is Herbalife (basically a MLM scam), got really big into Kabala (going to seminars, watching it nonstop), got into NLP for a few years. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out she feels she doesn’t have a goal or a propose as she has no family where she lives at and probably feels very lonely.
I live in the country on some acreage, about 15 minutes away from a small town and about an hour from a major city. I’m currently living with my girlfriend and will propose this year sometime. We plan to try for children as soon as possible.
The only upside is that she has a mostly paid for apartment in Israel that she lives at, about 85% paid for. She can sell it, probably get around 100-150k and live off it.
As I see it, there are 2 options:
She can go back to Russia, both her sisters have paid for housing, the one she is close to has 2 apartments (she rents one for income) in the city and one in the countryside and would more than welcome her. She knows the language, she could potentially find simple work like a store clerk or live off the savings from her house the she can sell. Her sister thinks it’s a great idea and invited her multiple times in the last few years. My mother went there with me last year for a few weeks, considering a long term stay with a potential permanent move in but then decided she doesn’t like it.
The other obvious solution is to bring her here, but I feel like she will be under my care both financially and mentally/socially as she doesn’t knows English, has zero savings, doesn’t drive a car (its 15 minutes on the highway to the closest grocery store). So her entire social circle will be myself. Her pension is a tiny $300 a month. You can imagine that in the USA that won’t even cover a single doctor plus meds visit with no insurance as she’ll get older. It will obviously put a major strain on my future wife relationship.
I have sent her $2000 a few months ago due to a plumbing emergency at her place. Then I sent her $1000 for her birthday last month. Today she called and asked me to send $5000. After a long silence she said maybe I can take a loan and send it to her. I told her I can send her the money, but what is going to happen in 3 months? In 6 months? I told her that she should sell her house in a year hopefully after the covid is done with and then move to Russia. She didn’t like that idea at all and wanted to finish the phone call immediately.
I feel very conflicted and guilty. She was a single mom raising me from 12-18. We are not especially close but I had an ok childhood and she did everything she could for me.
I know that if she moves her to try it here it will be permanently and pay for everything in perpetuity. I’m very close to getting married and have children and the thought of my mother living with me makes me feel very anxious. She is 60 years old, not handicapped, physically able and has other options.
I still feel like a very bad son and like I will betray her by refusing her to move in with me.
Do you have any words of advice for me?
Should I find a local psychologist to help her with depression? You can’t force someone to go is the problem.
What would you do?
Am I being selfish of not even considering option number 2?
Yikes. I wish you the best, and I'm not at all sure my advice is useful.
My mom is poor and believes in many things I don't think are true. My solution is to just budget a tithe to her every few months that keeps her going in the expensive city where she lives. I make up barely plausible excuses that allow her to accept charity (not doing so is a point of pride for her) and my spouse has signed on to that budget. We make ten times what shes does, so helping her out doesn't actually hurt us much. (We've agreed that if she's actually unable to care for herself, we'll get a bigger home and find a way to care for her. That hasn't happened yet.) But, in our case, most of the money really does seem to go toward paying bills or making her happy. If she were investing in Herbalife, I'd have some reservations. I don't have any idea how to help with that.
From an outside perspective, as someone who doesn't know anything about your family, inviting her to live with you seems like a very bad idea. If you were near a common language, walkable community it might make sense. But, what the hell is she going to do with her time in the suburban US except become angry? There are some bad things happening in Russia at the moment, but living on savings and walking to the market in a town that speaks your language is better than most of us can expect when we retire.
That it's possible to deeply love someone without respecting what they believe has been a useful mantra for me. I'm not sure if it's appropriate here. Best of luck.
posted by eotvos at 10:37 AM on May 12, 2020 [7 favorites]
My mom is poor and believes in many things I don't think are true. My solution is to just budget a tithe to her every few months that keeps her going in the expensive city where she lives. I make up barely plausible excuses that allow her to accept charity (not doing so is a point of pride for her) and my spouse has signed on to that budget. We make ten times what shes does, so helping her out doesn't actually hurt us much. (We've agreed that if she's actually unable to care for herself, we'll get a bigger home and find a way to care for her. That hasn't happened yet.) But, in our case, most of the money really does seem to go toward paying bills or making her happy. If she were investing in Herbalife, I'd have some reservations. I don't have any idea how to help with that.
From an outside perspective, as someone who doesn't know anything about your family, inviting her to live with you seems like a very bad idea. If you were near a common language, walkable community it might make sense. But, what the hell is she going to do with her time in the suburban US except become angry? There are some bad things happening in Russia at the moment, but living on savings and walking to the market in a town that speaks your language is better than most of us can expect when we retire.
That it's possible to deeply love someone without respecting what they believe has been a useful mantra for me. I'm not sure if it's appropriate here. Best of luck.
posted by eotvos at 10:37 AM on May 12, 2020 [7 favorites]
You're in a difficult position. I agree with your summation that it is a bad idea to move her to you. The USA is not a good place to be an immigrant who doesn't work or speak English right now, and especially not an elderly immigrant. She probably would not even be able to come for anything except on a tourist visa (during a pandemic, they might not even be issuing these?), and then she'd be risking overstaying it and getting deported. Likewise, as bad as Israel is right now, it's still a democracy more or less and I would not suggest her immigrating to Russia of all places. Soviet Jews who left Russia are not re-absorbed very well, there's lots of online references for this.
Your mom has a mental illness. You can try and find a local therapist and offer her those resources, but as you know, you cannot force her to go. It's probably not worth doing the research if she isn't going to take the assistance. As you have surmised, it's not her circumstances that are making her unhappy - the external factors are not relevant. You can't fix this or solve this or save her. As an adult, she has to do it.
If I were in your shoes I would probably stop sending money, because that is a faucet that's hard to turn off. You can probably send her resources for her local government office for help for seniors (though she may not qualify yet at only age 60), and government aid, but you can't make her take the help. You can request wellness checks on her by local police but that might be all you can do.
Look, I'm making a lot of assumptions here given your description/history, but if your family is made of Soviet Jews from Russia and you are Ashkenazi, and some of you came to the US, and some made Aliyah... you're not alone. There are support groups for you. Reach out to your local JCC or JUF and ask around. The codependence of mothers and children in this community is legendary and there is a lot of trauma that our parents' generation carries around that is coming out weird now that they are getting older. Your mom being in Israel with all the added trauma of their current administration adds fuel to the fire.
Put your own oxygen mask on first.
posted by juniperesque at 10:38 AM on May 12, 2020 [27 favorites]
Your mom has a mental illness. You can try and find a local therapist and offer her those resources, but as you know, you cannot force her to go. It's probably not worth doing the research if she isn't going to take the assistance. As you have surmised, it's not her circumstances that are making her unhappy - the external factors are not relevant. You can't fix this or solve this or save her. As an adult, she has to do it.
If I were in your shoes I would probably stop sending money, because that is a faucet that's hard to turn off. You can probably send her resources for her local government office for help for seniors (though she may not qualify yet at only age 60), and government aid, but you can't make her take the help. You can request wellness checks on her by local police but that might be all you can do.
Look, I'm making a lot of assumptions here given your description/history, but if your family is made of Soviet Jews from Russia and you are Ashkenazi, and some of you came to the US, and some made Aliyah... you're not alone. There are support groups for you. Reach out to your local JCC or JUF and ask around. The codependence of mothers and children in this community is legendary and there is a lot of trauma that our parents' generation carries around that is coming out weird now that they are getting older. Your mom being in Israel with all the added trauma of their current administration adds fuel to the fire.
Put your own oxygen mask on first.
posted by juniperesque at 10:38 AM on May 12, 2020 [27 favorites]
One of the hardest things to deal with as the adult child of a mentally ill parent is to separate out “what my parent is asking for” from “what, realistically, is in the long-term best interests of my parent?”
I think this rises to the level of worth discussing with a therapist (for you! — for her as well, of course, but as you say you can’t force it). I think you know that her requests of you are not going to stop if you bring her into your home. And I am not saying never help, cut her off, etc. — I am saying you need to figure out exactly where your boundaries are and why.
I also don’t know what the situation vis-a-vis healthcare is for her, but on the “what’s actually best for mom” front, I would think very long and hard about bringing even a very healthy 60-year-old who has never paid into Medicare into the US to live long-term, and particularly *right now.*
posted by LadyInWaiting at 10:43 AM on May 12, 2020 [12 favorites]
I think this rises to the level of worth discussing with a therapist (for you! — for her as well, of course, but as you say you can’t force it). I think you know that her requests of you are not going to stop if you bring her into your home. And I am not saying never help, cut her off, etc. — I am saying you need to figure out exactly where your boundaries are and why.
I also don’t know what the situation vis-a-vis healthcare is for her, but on the “what’s actually best for mom” front, I would think very long and hard about bringing even a very healthy 60-year-old who has never paid into Medicare into the US to live long-term, and particularly *right now.*
posted by LadyInWaiting at 10:43 AM on May 12, 2020 [12 favorites]
This is a hard one. Don't take her into your house, you deserve to have a life, your mom is young, if you take her in now, you will likely be living with her for the rest of her (hopefully long) life. I am currently caring for my dad who has dementia, he was a good dad and is financially secure and is not a drain on any of his children, we agreed to do this and we divide the care amongst three of us and still, I am ashamed to admit, a thread of resentment runs through many of my days with him. If I did not have other options I would be a mess right now. She can't have it both ways, she can't expect to be an independent dependent. You are in NO way being selfish.
posted by InkaLomax at 10:47 AM on May 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by InkaLomax at 10:47 AM on May 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
I would not send your mother more money. If I were your fiancé/wife, this would be a major source of friction. You are not responsible for your mother's finances. I would tell your mother she needs to sell her house and move to Russia and I would repeat that ad nauseam. Try to assist with ensuring her money from the sell of the house lasts and isn't wasted.
You need an honest and direct conversation. If she becomes annoyed, you can say, "Let's talk again when you're less upset. Love you. Bye."
I would definitely not bring her to the US. That is not a good way to start off your married life. After the baby comes, invite her for a month long visit and pay for a round trip ticket.
posted by shoesietart at 10:55 AM on May 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
You need an honest and direct conversation. If she becomes annoyed, you can say, "Let's talk again when you're less upset. Love you. Bye."
I would definitely not bring her to the US. That is not a good way to start off your married life. After the baby comes, invite her for a month long visit and pay for a round trip ticket.
posted by shoesietart at 10:55 AM on May 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
The other obvious solution is to bring her here, but I feel like she will be under my care both financially and mentally/socially as she doesn’t knows English, has zero savings, doesn’t drive a car (its 15 minutes on the highway to the closest grocery store). So her entire social circle will be myself. Her pension is a tiny $300 a month.
She cannot move to the US because of health care. Just tell her that straight up and that it's non-negotiable- she will not have any and you can't help her get it. I know a lot of older people from overseas think their children can "fix" things but she needs to know it is not possible in the US and that she will be treated poorly by the government and by other people and if she gets sick they will let her die, basically. Don't pull your punches here, I know soooo many people my age in CA who dealt with this with (mostly Asian) parents and grandparents. One of my friends had their husband's parents basically show up on their doorstep and refuse to leave. They went home eventually after basically bankrupting themselves when the father had a heart episode and had violated his travel insurance six ways to Sunday. Because it's not the 80s anymore, you can't move an elderly relative here and support them. There are NO services available other than charity.
Kind of an off the wall idea but as she's in Israel- if she's very religious could she join a religious community for a set period of time as a volunteer? It might give her some focus and some time to reflect and also to make friends and be around positive work, have normal interactions and get her perspective back. She may be very mentally ill or she may just be very unhappy and lonely and have a hard time maintaining perspective on her own.
posted by fshgrl at 11:02 AM on May 12, 2020 [26 favorites]
She cannot move to the US because of health care. Just tell her that straight up and that it's non-negotiable- she will not have any and you can't help her get it. I know a lot of older people from overseas think their children can "fix" things but she needs to know it is not possible in the US and that she will be treated poorly by the government and by other people and if she gets sick they will let her die, basically. Don't pull your punches here, I know soooo many people my age in CA who dealt with this with (mostly Asian) parents and grandparents. One of my friends had their husband's parents basically show up on their doorstep and refuse to leave. They went home eventually after basically bankrupting themselves when the father had a heart episode and had violated his travel insurance six ways to Sunday. Because it's not the 80s anymore, you can't move an elderly relative here and support them. There are NO services available other than charity.
Kind of an off the wall idea but as she's in Israel- if she's very religious could she join a religious community for a set period of time as a volunteer? It might give her some focus and some time to reflect and also to make friends and be around positive work, have normal interactions and get her perspective back. She may be very mentally ill or she may just be very unhappy and lonely and have a hard time maintaining perspective on her own.
posted by fshgrl at 11:02 AM on May 12, 2020 [26 favorites]
You can be a good person and still not want your mother to live with you!
Figure out some local resources so you can learn what is available and point her if she’s willing.
Stay in touch with her and your aunts at regular intervals. It’s useful to be in touch with the aunts because you can compare your observations about her. If she deteriorates they will also notice.
Try to learn who her medical providers are so you can alert them if you are concerned.
If she wants you to do things you can’t do explain it won’t be possible, give no reason, move the conversation along. If she hangs up call her next week or whatever interval is normal for you and don’t mention the ‘dispute’. Repeat as required.
Sit down with your girlfriend and get on the same page how much support and what kind of support you both can provide to your respective families and where the boundaries are. Revisit that conversation periodically because things change.
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:05 AM on May 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
Figure out some local resources so you can learn what is available and point her if she’s willing.
Stay in touch with her and your aunts at regular intervals. It’s useful to be in touch with the aunts because you can compare your observations about her. If she deteriorates they will also notice.
Try to learn who her medical providers are so you can alert them if you are concerned.
If she wants you to do things you can’t do explain it won’t be possible, give no reason, move the conversation along. If she hangs up call her next week or whatever interval is normal for you and don’t mention the ‘dispute’. Repeat as required.
Sit down with your girlfriend and get on the same page how much support and what kind of support you both can provide to your respective families and where the boundaries are. Revisit that conversation periodically because things change.
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:05 AM on May 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
Even if you had the easiest relationship and would love to have her with you, I'd think the cost of healthcare in the US would be major obstacle - if $5000 is hard to afford, any moderate health issue could wipe you out. (Also besides that and the language issues, unless you live in a place with good public transportation she'd be basically helpless in the US.)
You say if she moved to Russia she might be able to get simple work there, but that's true for her in Israel too, right? If not, why?
Is she only getting income from her pension, or does she have any supplement from social security? Is there any way she'd qualify for disability?
I think in your place I'd look first of all for any and all social or financial assistance resources that exist where she is now. Do you still have friends or other family in Israel who could help you figure out what's out there? If not, look online for Israeli or Russian Israeli communities. She might be lonely in addition to everything else - any chance she'd be open to going to something like the local senior citizens' centers for company?
If she's only recently started asking you for money, what's changed in her budget? Does she understand her budget? Also, $5000 is a fair amount of money in Israel - do you know what she was planning to do with it or how long she intended it to last her for? (2000 sounds like it must have been a hell of a plumbing emergency if it was in USD.)
posted by trig at 11:08 AM on May 12, 2020 [3 favorites]
You say if she moved to Russia she might be able to get simple work there, but that's true for her in Israel too, right? If not, why?
Is she only getting income from her pension, or does she have any supplement from social security? Is there any way she'd qualify for disability?
I think in your place I'd look first of all for any and all social or financial assistance resources that exist where she is now. Do you still have friends or other family in Israel who could help you figure out what's out there? If not, look online for Israeli or Russian Israeli communities. She might be lonely in addition to everything else - any chance she'd be open to going to something like the local senior citizens' centers for company?
If she's only recently started asking you for money, what's changed in her budget? Does she understand her budget? Also, $5000 is a fair amount of money in Israel - do you know what she was planning to do with it or how long she intended it to last her for? (2000 sounds like it must have been a hell of a plumbing emergency if it was in USD.)
posted by trig at 11:08 AM on May 12, 2020 [3 favorites]
Forgot to add - she is going through money like it’s going out of fashion. Don’t give her large sums. If you’re concerned about specific expenses figure out a way to pay that expense. Get food delivered, prepay utilities fo her. That kind of thing. My great grandmother used to take cash out of her account and hide it between her clothes. We found a lot of money sorting her things when she moved out of her home. Or she may have people taking advantage.
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:16 AM on May 12, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by koahiatamadl at 11:16 AM on May 12, 2020 [6 favorites]
Where is all that money going? I'm concerned that she may be being scammed in some way.
posted by praemunire at 1:12 PM on May 12, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 1:12 PM on May 12, 2020 [6 favorites]
Do not have your mother come live with you. You don't have to give up your own life to indefinitely care for your parent. It doesn't make you a bad person if you don't take her in. In my opinion it sounds like she should go to Russia. She has family there that are happy to have her and she can speak the language. Its not an ideal situation, but its better than having her come to live with you. Let your Aunt know that you want to remain involved and helpful (financially and/or in other ways) and help out with anything you are able to do. Do not spend any time feeling badly about this choice. if you had her come to live with you chances are good that you would all be miserable (including your partner).
posted by WalkerWestridge at 1:43 PM on May 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by WalkerWestridge at 1:43 PM on May 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
Lots of good advice upthread.
Nthing: Do NOT let her move in with you. It will ruin your life.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 7:15 PM on May 12, 2020
Nthing: Do NOT let her move in with you. It will ruin your life.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 7:15 PM on May 12, 2020
the one she is close to has 2 apartments (she rents one for income) in the city and one in the countryside and would more than welcome her. She knows the language, she could potentially find simple work like a store clerk or live off the savings from her house the she can sell. Her sister thinks it’s a great idea and invited her multiple times in the last few years.
this is a great blessing and while I understand it doesn't solve the problem of your mother's life as long as your mother refuses to go there, it resolves the problem of your obligation: you are not the only one who can help her; you are not the only one who cares about her; there is someone who can rescue her and it isn't you.
To be very blunt about it: if your mother is in rapidly declining mental health and functioning, you couldn't save her by bringing her to you. One day you would have to go to work and she would be free to walk out the door into traffic. You can't arrange your future married life so that you or your spouse are her constant 24-hour guardians (your wife will not agree to it, and neither will you once you see what it's like.)
Your mother has other resources and other people who care about her, but she would prefer to depend on you than on them. this isn't your fault. You should stop sending her money out of guilt; it makes her think of you as a reliable source of money. If she needs something to literally survive, buy it for her instead of sending her money directly, if you can. Save enough money that wherever she is, you can afford to buy her a ticket to her sister's city when she gets really desperate. She's not that desperate yet.
It is hard to be unable to force her to get a medical evaluation and help for her mental symptoms, but I don't think there's any way you can do that.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:18 PM on May 12, 2020 [8 favorites]
this is a great blessing and while I understand it doesn't solve the problem of your mother's life as long as your mother refuses to go there, it resolves the problem of your obligation: you are not the only one who can help her; you are not the only one who cares about her; there is someone who can rescue her and it isn't you.
To be very blunt about it: if your mother is in rapidly declining mental health and functioning, you couldn't save her by bringing her to you. One day you would have to go to work and she would be free to walk out the door into traffic. You can't arrange your future married life so that you or your spouse are her constant 24-hour guardians (your wife will not agree to it, and neither will you once you see what it's like.)
Your mother has other resources and other people who care about her, but she would prefer to depend on you than on them. this isn't your fault. You should stop sending her money out of guilt; it makes her think of you as a reliable source of money. If she needs something to literally survive, buy it for her instead of sending her money directly, if you can. Save enough money that wherever she is, you can afford to buy her a ticket to her sister's city when she gets really desperate. She's not that desperate yet.
It is hard to be unable to force her to get a medical evaluation and help for her mental symptoms, but I don't think there's any way you can do that.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:18 PM on May 12, 2020 [8 favorites]
Coming to live with you is the worst option for her, because of health care, which (as explained above) she won't have access to here. (It will also ruin your engagement/marriage, but I'm talking just about her.) At least in Israel she has socialized medicine access.
Harp on the health care. Explain it isn't possible. Say whatever you have to say.
Israel is a relatively VERY easy place for senior adults: geographically tiny and compact; casual social mores and lots of community activities; warm weather; public transportation; socialized medicine; no expectation of elderly invisibility. If she can't make it there, she is most certainly not going to make it in the USA.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:41 AM on May 13, 2020 [3 favorites]
Harp on the health care. Explain it isn't possible. Say whatever you have to say.
Israel is a relatively VERY easy place for senior adults: geographically tiny and compact; casual social mores and lots of community activities; warm weather; public transportation; socialized medicine; no expectation of elderly invisibility. If she can't make it there, she is most certainly not going to make it in the USA.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:41 AM on May 13, 2020 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
...how you prioritize that is obviously up to you, and I may be wrong (and I'm not familiar with how your respective cultures approach this kind of thing) but think seriously about it as a possibility, particularly if you and your girlfriend are from different cultural backgrounds.
So me, personally, I'd require that mom get professional help on an extended basis beforehand. I'd probably offer to pay for it, as long as I paid the provider directly (assuming such an arrangement is legal in her jurisdiction).
posted by aramaic at 10:26 AM on May 12, 2020 [6 favorites]