30 birthday puns
May 12, 2020 6:14 AM   Subscribe

I'm going to be sending my best friend 30 postcards leading up to and during the week of her 30th birthday. I'd like to include a pun/joke on the front of each postcard. Can you help me come up with my 30 puns/jokes?

I'm going to be sending my best friend 30 postcards leading up to and during the week of her 30th birthday. I'd like to include a pun/joke on the front of each postcard. Can you help me come up with my 30 puns/jokes?

Please assume I have lots of craft supplies. I also plan on doodling on the front of each postcard or including some stickers or other decorations that relate to the pun, so if you have specific ideas you can feel free to share.

Help me make my friend's birthday memorable and happy!
posted by lucy.jakobs to Grab Bag (16 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
Best answer: This is a cool idea and if I was your friend I'd be thrilled. Do they need to be clean? Are there any particular interests that your friend has that might be fun joke subjects?

What did the paper say to the pencil? Write on!

Why do dragons sleep during the day? So they can fight knights!

Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck.

What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!

Why was everyone so tired on April 1st? They had just finished a March of 31 days.

Which hand is it better to write with? Neither, it's best to write with a pen.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it

Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea

more here
posted by bunderful at 7:30 AM on May 12, 2020

Best answer: Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

What has a head like a cat, feet like a cat and a tail like a cat, but isn't a cat?
A kitten.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.

What do you get if you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.

A Roman legionary walks into a bar and holds up two fingers. "Five beers, please."

How can you tell the difference between a weasel and a stoat?
A weasel is weaselly recognised, while a stoat is stoatally different!
posted by ManyLeggedCreature at 7:55 AM on May 12, 2020

Best answer: Back in the day when I still used facebook, I posted 29 jokes on my 29th birthday. These were my favorites (in no particular order:

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were getting cold so they decided to light a fire in their boat. It promptly sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

I used to have a friend and we'd have really deep conversations long into the night. Eventually, we had a big falling out. He was a big believer in egalitarianism, which I am against, and he was trying to win me over. He made a lot of really persuasive arguments, but I don't know. I just can't imagine eating that many eagles.

"Oh no, I dropped my toothpaste," Tom said, crestfallen.

What happens when you drink food coloring?
You dye a little on the inside.

What do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft?
A flat minor.

Why can't you hear pterodactyls in the bathroom?
The P is silent.

What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.

Did you hear about the guy born with 5 penises?
His pants fit him like a glove.

What's so great about Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.

Where does the general keep his armies?
In his sleevies.

I just flew in from the Transformers convention and boy are my arms tires!

Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me today
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil.
posted by phunniemee at 8:04 AM on May 12, 2020 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Once upon a time there was a little town in which all the flower shops were the "legitimate business" fronts for the mob. It was pretty well known, and the townspeople didn't like it much, but the mob flowers were the only game in town, so whatever.

One day some monks from the monastery up the hill decided to open a flower shop business of their own. Everyone much preferred buying their flowers from the kindly monks and so all but abandoned the mob-run shops. Of course, this caused a logistical problem for the mob--without the flower business they were going to have a pretty tough time laundering all their ill-gotten gains.

So the mobsters went down to the monks' shop and asked them to pack up. The men of the cloth refused to kowtow to their request. Then the mobsters tried extorting more money from them, charging higher rent and ramping up their "protection" fees. But the monks' business was so good, that didn't matter, either. As a last resort, since you know how mobsters just hate to get their hands dirty, they decided to send their biggest, toughest lackey down there to make the monks an offer they couldn't refuse. They figured send Hugh, badda bing badda boom, problem solved. And before they knew it, the little monk-run shop was out of business.

Just goes to show, only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
posted by phunniemee at 8:05 AM on May 12, 2020 [1 favorite]

Best answer: There once was this guy who worked for the Railroad as a conductor. Let's say his name was Joe. Well, Joe was walking through the train, en route, collecting tickets from the passengers. He comes to car 12, booth 3. In it was a man. So, he asked him for his ticket: "Excuse me sir, do have your ticket?"

"Oh, I am soooo sorry, I dropped it out the window by accident," he replied.

"Sorry sir, can't have any passengers without tickets."

He grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and threw him out of the train. Well, he landed on the tracks and was run over by the train. Naturally, the conductor was arrested and thrown in jail. He was convicted of murder before a jury of his peers, and sentenced to death by electrocution.

The day of his execution came up, and he was asked what he would like for his last meal. He asks for a banana. They gave it to him, he ate it, received his last rites, and was escorted to the chair. The executioner strapped him in, hooked everything up. Last, he threw the big switch once, and nothing happened. So, he did it again, and nothing happened. Well, by law the guy was legally dead, so they had to release him.

Oddly enough, the guy got a job on another railroad, as a conductor! One day, he was gathering tickets, and came to a booth with a little boy.

"Young man, do you have your ticket?", asked the conductor.

"A-a-a, I'm sorry, I ate it by mistake..." said the little boy.

And...the same thing happened -- the boy was thrown off the train and killed. The guy was arrested, sentenced to death by electrocution. It came to him last day. The death row guard asked him what he would like for his meal. He asked for banana again. He ate it, and a priest gave him last rites.

He was escorted to the death chamber. This time, though, they were smart.

They washed his hands to get rid of any banana slime, they washed up the chair. Next, they placed him the chair, and hooked him up. The switch-puller pulled the switch once, and nothing happened. The switch-puller pulled the switch twice, and nothing happened, not even a single hair raising on the guy's chest.

Well, as the law says, they had to let him go...

Even more amazingly, he got a job on yet another railroad.

This time it was a rabbi. Same old stuff. Rabbi had no ticket (he forgot to buy it). Guy threw him off the train, rabbi died. Guy was arrested, convicted, sentenced to death by electrocution. When the guard asked him what he would like for a last meal, he asked for a banana. He ate it, received last rites, and was escorted to the chamber.

However, this time the officials where going to get it right! They scrubbed his body with a brillo pad. They scrubbed the chair with steel wool. They tried the chair on a few other prisoners...

Okay, they strapped him in, and threw the switch once, nothing happened. Threw the switch a second time, nothing happened. At this point the guy was legally dead, etc, etc.

But, before the guy could leave, the executioner, extremely frustrated (he'd seen this same guy three times already), asked, "What is it with the banana!?"

The guy replied, "I just like bananas."

So the executioner screamed, "THEN HOW COME YOU DON'T DIE!!!!!"

"I dunno," replied the guy, "I guess I'm just not a very good conductor."
posted by phunniemee at 8:06 AM on May 12, 2020 [2 favorites]

Best answer: What’s brown and sounds like a bell?

Why do mice have little balls?
Because they like to dance

Where do men’s rights activists get their water?
From a well, actually.

A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks the bartender “is this stool taken?”
posted by ActionPopulated at 8:17 AM on May 12, 2020 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I submitted ten puns to a pun contest. I hoped at least one would win, but no pun in ten did.
posted by dywypi at 8:18 AM on May 12, 2020 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Is (slightly) off-color okay?

Because this is my new favorite:

Did you hear about the zoo that only had one dog?
It was a Shih Tzu.

(it works better said out loud, though)
posted by Mchelly at 8:38 AM on May 12, 2020 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
posted by theora55 at 8:46 AM on May 12, 2020 [2 favorites]

Best answer: You hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.
posted by notsnot at 8:52 AM on May 12, 2020

Best answer: Dentists & "tooth hurty" is classic. Not sure how you work in the 2.
posted by eotvos at 9:40 AM on May 12, 2020

Best answer: A trove of visual puns from Monday Punday
posted by paradeofblimps at 9:54 AM on May 12, 2020

Best answer: "Here's your 'Dirty Thirty' card" -- (how you want to decorate this is up to you) --
"I'm still working on the one for 'Farty Forty.' "
posted by TrishaU at 10:36 AM on May 12, 2020

Best answer: what is an owl nanny called?

a hoot-e-nanny.

why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella?

fo' drizzle.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 11:13 AM on May 12, 2020

Best answer: You should wear a mask outside because the Ten Commandments are clear that you should not covid thy neighbor.

(Don’t know if it’s too soon or too gallows, but I saw that today on Facebook and immediately thought of this thread.)
posted by ActionPopulated at 11:21 AM on May 14, 2020 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thanks for all the ideas, everyone! My friend enjoyed the postcards and her gift which was, appropriately, watercolor pencils and a coloring postcard set.
posted by lucy.jakobs at 10:24 AM on June 22, 2020

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