How to encourage a relative stranger
March 28, 2020 7:22 AM Subscribe
I'd like to reach out to my friend's niece, who is going through a tough time and might be clinically depressed. Help me figure out what to say.
My best online friend of about 4 years has a niece who recently had to quit university because of the coronavirus outbreak, but was having difficulties adjusting to life at school before that. Now she is at home, withdrawn and spending most of her time in her room. Although I've never met or communicated with her directly, I've followed her story via my friend because we have similar interests in art (unlike the rest of her family, except my friend). I also have suffered from similar bouts of depression, which makes me feel empathy for her. I am concerned about her and I'd like to send her an encouraging word, but because I've never communicated with her before, I'm not sure what to say. I'm significantly older than she is, and I don't want to come across like some weird old out-of-touch person and possibly freak her out.
Ideas?
My best online friend of about 4 years has a niece who recently had to quit university because of the coronavirus outbreak, but was having difficulties adjusting to life at school before that. Now she is at home, withdrawn and spending most of her time in her room. Although I've never met or communicated with her directly, I've followed her story via my friend because we have similar interests in art (unlike the rest of her family, except my friend). I also have suffered from similar bouts of depression, which makes me feel empathy for her. I am concerned about her and I'd like to send her an encouraging word, but because I've never communicated with her before, I'm not sure what to say. I'm significantly older than she is, and I don't want to come across like some weird old out-of-touch person and possibly freak her out.
Ideas?
Is there maybe some art she's posted somewhere that you can "stumble upon as a friend of a friend" and strike up a conversation that way?
posted by jordemort at 7:41 AM on March 28, 2020
posted by jordemort at 7:41 AM on March 28, 2020
One way I might reach out to a stranger would be to pick a book I think they'd like and send it. You can say, I'm a friend of your aunt and she was telling me [innocuous thing that's not weird to have heard, like stuck home from college]. I thought of this and thought you might appreciate it, and that it might cheer you up when everyone's having a tough time."
Maybe it's an art book or something--the point is that you've done something that doesn't make her feel like her privacy has been violated but that opens a door for more communication. Your friend could even tell her ahead of time she's going to get it. And she doesn't know that you don't send random books to strangers once a week on principal.
She might not reach out, but it creates the opening you're looking for, and gives her at minimum the pick me up of a surprise gift in the mail.
posted by gideonfrog at 8:03 AM on March 28, 2020 [3 favorites]
Maybe it's an art book or something--the point is that you've done something that doesn't make her feel like her privacy has been violated but that opens a door for more communication. Your friend could even tell her ahead of time she's going to get it. And she doesn't know that you don't send random books to strangers once a week on principal.
She might not reach out, but it creates the opening you're looking for, and gives her at minimum the pick me up of a surprise gift in the mail.
posted by gideonfrog at 8:03 AM on March 28, 2020 [3 favorites]
Putting myself in the perspective of the girl in question (who I have myself been, not too long ago), I think your idea is noble but perhaps not something that will work out in reality.
In my experience and understanding, depression is a profoundly selfish condition- in that all references become about the self and the self's pain, the self's lack of hope and ability to cope with life. Hearing affirmations from someone else who has "been through the same thing", when depressed, for me, was... at best meaningless and at worse actively painful. "Oh, great, everyone can get through shit and live their life, apart from me, because I am uniquely and fundamentally fucked and ill-suited to being alive".
This girl should be seeing a therapist and getting on medication. Perhaps you could provide your friend with some advice about seeking treatment if you share a healthcare system, what worked for you, etc., that the friend can then pass on to the kid's parents. But the kid doesn't need to hear that stuff from a stranger. Your success story might also be more helpful to direct to your friend, who I'm sure would benefit from hearing that people who have suffered what her niece is suffering have survived and are thriving.
TL;DR: in my opinion the much-older online friend of an aunt is way too distant of a connection for your plan to be of use to the girl in question, I'm sorry.
posted by Balthamos at 8:03 AM on March 28, 2020 [17 favorites]
In my experience and understanding, depression is a profoundly selfish condition- in that all references become about the self and the self's pain, the self's lack of hope and ability to cope with life. Hearing affirmations from someone else who has "been through the same thing", when depressed, for me, was... at best meaningless and at worse actively painful. "Oh, great, everyone can get through shit and live their life, apart from me, because I am uniquely and fundamentally fucked and ill-suited to being alive".
This girl should be seeing a therapist and getting on medication. Perhaps you could provide your friend with some advice about seeking treatment if you share a healthcare system, what worked for you, etc., that the friend can then pass on to the kid's parents. But the kid doesn't need to hear that stuff from a stranger. Your success story might also be more helpful to direct to your friend, who I'm sure would benefit from hearing that people who have suffered what her niece is suffering have survived and are thriving.
TL;DR: in my opinion the much-older online friend of an aunt is way too distant of a connection for your plan to be of use to the girl in question, I'm sorry.
posted by Balthamos at 8:03 AM on March 28, 2020 [17 favorites]
[She]recently had to quit university because of the coronavirus outbreak, but was having difficulties adjusting to life at school before that. Now she is at home, withdrawn and spending most of her time in her room.
Social isolation is isolating. She's probably experiencing a different kind of depression, or at least one complicated in a different way, than what you have experienced in the past. You've not communicated with her in the past. She's currently withdrawing from those that she knows.
Encourage your friend and help brainstorm ideas for the direct contact to implement.
posted by RainyJay at 12:03 PM on March 29, 2020
Social isolation is isolating. She's probably experiencing a different kind of depression, or at least one complicated in a different way, than what you have experienced in the past. You've not communicated with her in the past. She's currently withdrawing from those that she knows.
Encourage your friend and help brainstorm ideas for the direct contact to implement.
posted by RainyJay at 12:03 PM on March 29, 2020
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posted by metasunday at 7:30 AM on March 28, 2020