Should I tell my boss about my history with PTSD/anxiety
March 17, 2020 4:29 PM Subscribe
Should I tell my boss about my history with PTSD/anxiety given that Coronavirus is triggering my symptoms?
A few years ago, my family went through a challenging time. My 1 year old son was diagnosed with a rare disease that had evaded our health care professionals for several months. After a few visits to the ER, he was finally diagnosed - however, he was in life threatening condition and one doctor said he had never seen a case that bad. He had emergency surgery which went well. However, the weeks afterwords were challenging as there was a risk that if he became sick, it could quickly turn into a life threatening situation. His immune system wasn't compromised, but in a lot of ways it was similar to what the situation would be if it had been compromised. He got sick three times in the next few months and each time was terrifying. I had to stay home with him for a week each time and my wife and I were constantly afraid we would lose him. In total, we were in the hospital for 3 - 4 weeks.
My boss at the time was initially sympathetic, but his attitude quickly changed to "you need to prioritize work", which added a great deal of stress and anxiety. My son got better and he's in good health now. However, the stress wore on me and I was diagnosed with PTSD/Anxiety/Depression that cumulated in me taking 7 months of disability leave from work. At the time I left work, I was having frequent panic attacks and insomnia. It was a very difficult time for me.
I've been back at work for 9 months now. I find that despite differences between the disease my son had and the Coronavirus, the Coronavirus has triggered my PTSD. I am unable to sleep more than an hour each night. I find myself trembling and I'm filled with anxiety throughout the day and unable to focus. The good news is that I've transferred to a different team and my boss is a wonderful person and the environment is less toxic. However, my PTSD and anxiety is becoming more and more intrusive as our company and our city takes more drastic action in the face of coronavirus. And even though "logically" I know that there is little risk to myself, my wife or my son, I still have these feelings.
In case it matters, I'm in Canada. We don't really have a limit on how many sick days we can take at my workplace. I used a sick day on Monday.
My question is - should I tell my boss about how the reason for my disability leave was depression/anxiety/ptsd and that the coronavirus is triggering these symptoms again? I have a hard time with understanding social norms (I also have aspergers and I think my aspergers connects with this) so I'm not sure if sharing this information would be appropriate or if it would be verging on "too much information". If I do share it with him, how would I phrase it?
A few years ago, my family went through a challenging time. My 1 year old son was diagnosed with a rare disease that had evaded our health care professionals for several months. After a few visits to the ER, he was finally diagnosed - however, he was in life threatening condition and one doctor said he had never seen a case that bad. He had emergency surgery which went well. However, the weeks afterwords were challenging as there was a risk that if he became sick, it could quickly turn into a life threatening situation. His immune system wasn't compromised, but in a lot of ways it was similar to what the situation would be if it had been compromised. He got sick three times in the next few months and each time was terrifying. I had to stay home with him for a week each time and my wife and I were constantly afraid we would lose him. In total, we were in the hospital for 3 - 4 weeks.
My boss at the time was initially sympathetic, but his attitude quickly changed to "you need to prioritize work", which added a great deal of stress and anxiety. My son got better and he's in good health now. However, the stress wore on me and I was diagnosed with PTSD/Anxiety/Depression that cumulated in me taking 7 months of disability leave from work. At the time I left work, I was having frequent panic attacks and insomnia. It was a very difficult time for me.
I've been back at work for 9 months now. I find that despite differences between the disease my son had and the Coronavirus, the Coronavirus has triggered my PTSD. I am unable to sleep more than an hour each night. I find myself trembling and I'm filled with anxiety throughout the day and unable to focus. The good news is that I've transferred to a different team and my boss is a wonderful person and the environment is less toxic. However, my PTSD and anxiety is becoming more and more intrusive as our company and our city takes more drastic action in the face of coronavirus. And even though "logically" I know that there is little risk to myself, my wife or my son, I still have these feelings.
In case it matters, I'm in Canada. We don't really have a limit on how many sick days we can take at my workplace. I used a sick day on Monday.
My question is - should I tell my boss about how the reason for my disability leave was depression/anxiety/ptsd and that the coronavirus is triggering these symptoms again? I have a hard time with understanding social norms (I also have aspergers and I think my aspergers connects with this) so I'm not sure if sharing this information would be appropriate or if it would be verging on "too much information". If I do share it with him, how would I phrase it?
I would not tell your boss because it's unnecessary to share why you took a sick day/leave. That's your business and the boss, while supportive, doesn't need to know or may not care to know. At this time it might be better to discuss your anxiety with loved ones and try to do your best to cope at work or have the appearance of coping. Maybe I'm cynical or distrustful but work isn't the places to share very personal details. You could be unfairly judged.
If you tell your boss you're being triggered you open up an opportunity for the boss to view you in a different light. There are a lot of bosses out there that are wonderful and supportive, although at the end of the day they want professionalism and productivity. The less they have to deal with personal problems, the better for them. If you must say something, I like erattacorrige's advice to keep it simple.
Good luck. I wish you peace and more calm. Most are uneasy and scared and you are not alone.
posted by loveandhappiness at 6:08 PM on March 17, 2020 [3 favorites]
If you tell your boss you're being triggered you open up an opportunity for the boss to view you in a different light. There are a lot of bosses out there that are wonderful and supportive, although at the end of the day they want professionalism and productivity. The less they have to deal with personal problems, the better for them. If you must say something, I like erattacorrige's advice to keep it simple.
Good luck. I wish you peace and more calm. Most are uneasy and scared and you are not alone.
posted by loveandhappiness at 6:08 PM on March 17, 2020 [3 favorites]
You are not the only person who is very anxious about Coronavirus right now, you can vaguely blame it on being worried about the virus if someone asks why you are taking sick leave. It is very unlikely that your boss will pry into why you are taking sick leave right now because there are millions of other people doing it. Also most bosses doesn't actually care WHY you are out, they just want you to come to work as often as you are able to.
One piece of advice I would give when discussing things like this with a boss or coworker is to focus on physical symptoms instead of psychological ones if someone asks. When I take a mental health day and someone probes into it, I always say I had stomach trouble. This is technically true, in that my anxiety gives me stomach pain, and it comes off as less defensive then not answering.
posted by JZig at 6:17 PM on March 17, 2020
One piece of advice I would give when discussing things like this with a boss or coworker is to focus on physical symptoms instead of psychological ones if someone asks. When I take a mental health day and someone probes into it, I always say I had stomach trouble. This is technically true, in that my anxiety gives me stomach pain, and it comes off as less defensive then not answering.
posted by JZig at 6:17 PM on March 17, 2020
Or, if you do disclose, keep it as simple as you can, "the ongoing pandemic crisis is really wearing on me"- because that's not stigmatizable- that's true for pretty much *all* smart, half-aware people.
I came to suggest something like this. I have PTSD and am struggling right now...but so is everybody else. You will get a lot of breathing room without discussing your full medical history.
posted by medusa at 7:10 PM on March 17, 2020
I came to suggest something like this. I have PTSD and am struggling right now...but so is everybody else. You will get a lot of breathing room without discussing your full medical history.
posted by medusa at 7:10 PM on March 17, 2020
I would advise not telling your boss for missing one day. It's very understandable right now that you and many others need time off, and a day here and there is NBD. Do you have access to a therapist or GP? You deserve support, too, and I'd start by looking for it outside of work. Should you decide that you need more accommodations, such as working from home, then you can revisit how much you wish to disclose.
posted by smorgasbord at 9:58 PM on March 17, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by smorgasbord at 9:58 PM on March 17, 2020 [1 favorite]
I would definitely find someone to discuss this with but not your boss. This is only your boss’s business if you end up needing to be at home a lot and then it’s still not your boss’s business why you need to stay home just that you have medical reasons for staying home. Once you disclose, you cannot take it back and it will almost certainly affect your boss’s perception of your performance. It’s just human. We take mental shortcuts through labeling. I strongly encourage you to talk about what you are going through with an appropriate friend (which is to say, a friend who has the energy and space to be supportive rather than one who is also being triggered all the time) or a therapist or both. But yeah, don’t tell your boss.
I don’t tell work colleagues about my mental illness issues. If I’m out sick because I’m struggling with anxiety or depression or my ADHD, I tell people that I’m not feeling well. If they express concern, then I add that it is not serious but I need(ed) to take time off for a bit to get my health in order. People who aren’t assholes or oblivious will drop it. If someone does keep pressing, I just tell them I don’t feel comfortable discussing it further. And I stick to that line because it truly is none of their business. Also, work colleagues have their own undisclosed shit to deal with. They don’t need to carry any of my shit as well.
OP, you have been through a nightmarish experience. I am sorry you had it and sorry the current situation is forcing you to relive the worst moments of your life. If there is an employee support program through HR or you are still seeing a therapist or can go back to former therapist, please do so. At times like these, sometimes we need to throw all of the things at a problem to help ourselves. I know it doesn’t help, but you’re absolutely not alone in struggling with this issue. Sending you all best wishes for getting the support you need.
posted by Bella Donna at 5:56 AM on March 18, 2020 [2 favorites]
I don’t tell work colleagues about my mental illness issues. If I’m out sick because I’m struggling with anxiety or depression or my ADHD, I tell people that I’m not feeling well. If they express concern, then I add that it is not serious but I need(ed) to take time off for a bit to get my health in order. People who aren’t assholes or oblivious will drop it. If someone does keep pressing, I just tell them I don’t feel comfortable discussing it further. And I stick to that line because it truly is none of their business. Also, work colleagues have their own undisclosed shit to deal with. They don’t need to carry any of my shit as well.
OP, you have been through a nightmarish experience. I am sorry you had it and sorry the current situation is forcing you to relive the worst moments of your life. If there is an employee support program through HR or you are still seeing a therapist or can go back to former therapist, please do so. At times like these, sometimes we need to throw all of the things at a problem to help ourselves. I know it doesn’t help, but you’re absolutely not alone in struggling with this issue. Sending you all best wishes for getting the support you need.
posted by Bella Donna at 5:56 AM on March 18, 2020 [2 favorites]
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I'm so glad to hear your child is well, by the way. You all will get through this. Now, if ever, is a time where none of us can say we're alone. We're all in this boat together, even if, ironically, experiencing it from the isolation of our homes.
posted by erattacorrige at 5:15 PM on March 17, 2020 [2 favorites]