Therapist quirk
March 16, 2020 1:16 AM Subscribe
My therapist likes to begin a session with checking in on how I feel right then in the session, beginning by observing the body and grounding, and then asking me about what's going on for me. I feel this is preventing me from getting to the important or difficult stuff that is not going to turn up in my body or mind naturally during a session. I wish she'd dig more or create space for me to bring stuff up.
We've had three sessions so far - the mode of therapy she practices is psychodynamism. She's the second therapist I'm trying out. Therapy isn't easy for me because I have strong resistances to 'advice' and prefer more neutral information or an interesting conversation that just opens things up for me in a subtle way.
I do like her a lot and feel that she will be responsive to my needs. Can I sort of take charge a bit more, do you think? How do I help her make therapy more effective for someone weird and fussy like me?
We've had three sessions so far - the mode of therapy she practices is psychodynamism. She's the second therapist I'm trying out. Therapy isn't easy for me because I have strong resistances to 'advice' and prefer more neutral information or an interesting conversation that just opens things up for me in a subtle way.
I do like her a lot and feel that she will be responsive to my needs. Can I sort of take charge a bit more, do you think? How do I help her make therapy more effective for someone weird and fussy like me?
You should discuss this with her.
I suspect that asking about your body is a way of helping you ground yourself at the beginning of a session. Actually being present in the room (as opposed to still having your head in a work meeting) when you're talking about things is important.
In any case you should have a lot of leeway in how you would like to approach things. If she is resistant to that then you should probably move on.
(I think I wish she'd focus more on the past and less on the present - is that weird and counter-productive?)
Once again, discuss this with her. At only three sessions she's probably still getting to know you -- you, the person you are today with the wants and needs you have today. How you came to be that person is a huge and fascinating exploration but it's hard to pull together threads without knowing what the final fabric looks like.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:51 AM on March 16, 2020 [8 favorites]
I suspect that asking about your body is a way of helping you ground yourself at the beginning of a session. Actually being present in the room (as opposed to still having your head in a work meeting) when you're talking about things is important.
In any case you should have a lot of leeway in how you would like to approach things. If she is resistant to that then you should probably move on.
(I think I wish she'd focus more on the past and less on the present - is that weird and counter-productive?)
Once again, discuss this with her. At only three sessions she's probably still getting to know you -- you, the person you are today with the wants and needs you have today. How you came to be that person is a huge and fascinating exploration but it's hard to pull together threads without knowing what the final fabric looks like.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:51 AM on March 16, 2020 [8 favorites]
Therapy veteran here. What Tell Me No Lies said. It is super challenging work to be in therapy, and one of the most challenging things is to tell your therapist how you feel about what is going on between the two of you. It is super important that you do that, whether you stay with this therapist or not. Tell every therapist how you are feeling about the process with them because that is one of the most important ways to make progress even if you move on to a different therapist ultimately. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 2:37 AM on March 16, 2020 [9 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 2:37 AM on March 16, 2020 [9 favorites]
Therapy is a really good place to practise asking for what you need or asking someone to do things differently, particularly if you struggle with asking for those things in your daily life. It's completely reasonable for you to say something along the lines of, "I know there are some [difficult] things from my past that I want to use this space to talk about, but the approach of asking me to start by focusing on my body and mind today is making it harder for me to bring these things up, especially if they're not things that the state of my body/mind today are obviously or immediately connecting with; can we try a different approach to help me access those topics?"
I've done a lot of therapy in the past decade, some of it about what I was feeling in the present but a lot of it about all of the things that were wrong with the past, and I've also sometimes struggled to get at the past stuff when it's easy and tempting to begin with how you're feeling in the present, even though those things don't always map to each other perfectly. One of the most important things for me was getting more comfortable asking for what I specifically needed from the therapist.
I've also done things in the past like giving my therapist a set of index cards with topics I specifically want to cover at some point while we're working together - we've collaboratively used those cards to check that we've given everything that's important to me the airtime it needs.
If the therapist is resistant to changing their approach in order to make sure the process gives you what you need, that's likely a sign that they're not a good therapist for you. And if you feel deeply uncomfortable asking them to change their approach to get what you need, sit with that discomfort and really dig into it, as getting beyond those kinds of blocking, shutting-down feelings is a huge part of what good therapy should be about.
posted by terretu at 2:41 AM on March 16, 2020 [4 favorites]
I've done a lot of therapy in the past decade, some of it about what I was feeling in the present but a lot of it about all of the things that were wrong with the past, and I've also sometimes struggled to get at the past stuff when it's easy and tempting to begin with how you're feeling in the present, even though those things don't always map to each other perfectly. One of the most important things for me was getting more comfortable asking for what I specifically needed from the therapist.
I've also done things in the past like giving my therapist a set of index cards with topics I specifically want to cover at some point while we're working together - we've collaboratively used those cards to check that we've given everything that's important to me the airtime it needs.
If the therapist is resistant to changing their approach in order to make sure the process gives you what you need, that's likely a sign that they're not a good therapist for you. And if you feel deeply uncomfortable asking them to change their approach to get what you need, sit with that discomfort and really dig into it, as getting beyond those kinds of blocking, shutting-down feelings is a huge part of what good therapy should be about.
posted by terretu at 2:41 AM on March 16, 2020 [4 favorites]
Can I sort of take charge a bit more, do you think?
What you can definitely do is say something like "I'd like to talk about the way the sessions are structured and how I'm reacting to that." This is useful information for the therapist. I also like to know there is a plan and this isn't just woo-woo unhelpful nonsense; that alone is useful information for both me (hey I noticed a need I have) and my therapist.
I would also say that the therapist is probably making these choices for reasons that have everything to do with evidence-based treatment approaches. The strong trend in current therapeutic processes is a recognition of somatic practices and how deeply they interrelate with the mind's responses to difficult and traumatic events. It's very likely that this therapist is trained in that stuff and is starting to build in you an intentional habit of noticing your physical experience and using that for the clues, or ways in, to your past that talk therapy is actually kind of unhelpful at achieving. For more on this stuff check out the absolutely fascinating and quite accessible book The Body Keeps the Score. One of the key principles is that yes, there is stuff that happened in the past, but often the problems we're experiencing are happening because those things have not stayed in the past but expressing themselves in the present, in the body, as ongoing anxieties, fears, difficulty connecting in relationships, obsessions, troubled thoughts, self-sabotage, etc. The body-based approach is designed to help people feel and process the feelings resulting from past incidents for what they are, rather than getting stuck in patterns of distraction from them or suppression of them.
So just bring this up with the therapist. They should offer you an explanation that's satisfying. It sounds like you trust this person and think they can help. Trust them with your reaction, too.
posted by Miko at 8:00 AM on March 16, 2020 [4 favorites]
What you can definitely do is say something like "I'd like to talk about the way the sessions are structured and how I'm reacting to that." This is useful information for the therapist. I also like to know there is a plan and this isn't just woo-woo unhelpful nonsense; that alone is useful information for both me (hey I noticed a need I have) and my therapist.
I would also say that the therapist is probably making these choices for reasons that have everything to do with evidence-based treatment approaches. The strong trend in current therapeutic processes is a recognition of somatic practices and how deeply they interrelate with the mind's responses to difficult and traumatic events. It's very likely that this therapist is trained in that stuff and is starting to build in you an intentional habit of noticing your physical experience and using that for the clues, or ways in, to your past that talk therapy is actually kind of unhelpful at achieving. For more on this stuff check out the absolutely fascinating and quite accessible book The Body Keeps the Score. One of the key principles is that yes, there is stuff that happened in the past, but often the problems we're experiencing are happening because those things have not stayed in the past but expressing themselves in the present, in the body, as ongoing anxieties, fears, difficulty connecting in relationships, obsessions, troubled thoughts, self-sabotage, etc. The body-based approach is designed to help people feel and process the feelings resulting from past incidents for what they are, rather than getting stuck in patterns of distraction from them or suppression of them.
So just bring this up with the therapist. They should offer you an explanation that's satisfying. It sounds like you trust this person and think they can help. Trust them with your reaction, too.
posted by Miko at 8:00 AM on March 16, 2020 [4 favorites]
My therapist uses a similar approach, and I've had good results by spending 5-10 minutes before a session thinking about the issue I want to discuss, and the specific points I'd like to touch on. That way I can go into the session with some focus, and it also brings up all the feelings and sensations related to that issue. So when she "checks in" with me, I can honestly say what I'm feeling and relate that to "I've been struggling a lot lately with This Thing, which is why I'm feeling angry, sad, frustrated, etc."
That's not to say that we never get hung up on something else she thinks we should explore, that isn't directly related to what I went in wanting to talk about, but we've slowly built up a level of trust to where I'm willing to go down those avenues at least for a little while. If it feels like we're not getting anywhere productive, I'll let her know. It's hard... therapists are just people with their own blind spots and biases, and not mind-readers. So it's important even if a bit uncomfortable to let them know how the session is going for you.
posted by keep it under cover at 11:07 PM on March 16, 2020 [1 favorite]
That's not to say that we never get hung up on something else she thinks we should explore, that isn't directly related to what I went in wanting to talk about, but we've slowly built up a level of trust to where I'm willing to go down those avenues at least for a little while. If it feels like we're not getting anywhere productive, I'll let her know. It's hard... therapists are just people with their own blind spots and biases, and not mind-readers. So it's important even if a bit uncomfortable to let them know how the session is going for you.
posted by keep it under cover at 11:07 PM on March 16, 2020 [1 favorite]
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posted by miaow at 1:19 AM on March 16, 2020