No visitors at home one day a week?
March 9, 2020 1:33 PM Subscribe
Please help us gauge what is "reasonable" and find a solution. TLDR: I use one day a week to be home and alone, and don't want people over on that day. My husband feels this is unreasonable and extreme, and says it will distress him to tell family member B that they can't stop by whenever they want.
I, on the other hand, feel it's extreme to stay in my bedroom when B is over and well aware that I am home and choosing not to come out to so much as greet them. I feel like my choice right now is to either sacrifice at least part of this day on little to no notice and with a lot of resentment, or be an asshole and a ball of anxiety. Husband feels like it is perfectly okay for me to not come out and be sociable. B knows the situation.
There is almost no auditory privacy between the living areas and the bedroom.
I picked Sunday because it is the most open and least likely to have events, Things I Must Do, or 'Hey! Let's get together!" happening. I can't pick a weekday. I've asked my husband to ask B to give us more notice so I can switch to Saturday that week, but notice almost always comes mid-Saturday at the outside. We suspect B chooses Sunday because of their work schedule. Sometimes they meet up outside the house.
What and why: I take the day alone from everyone, including my husband, young teen, and mom. I am extremely introverted at the best of times, and right now I am just fucking overwhelmed, exhausted, and burnt out from dealing with really hard shit on top of my own struggles and limits.
Husband isn't especially happy with me hermiting a full day, period.
I get that taking a day alone is unusual. I don't understand why we can't have one flexible day that we just don't have people over, regardless of whether or not I was doing this. Husband says he will pay attention to what MetaFilter has to say. Regardless, he's willing to capitulate; he's just really unhappy about it, and I'm unhappy that he's unhappy.
Please be kind. You can assume that Husband is amazeballs to a ridiculous degree, and I want to be amazeballs back.
I, on the other hand, feel it's extreme to stay in my bedroom when B is over and well aware that I am home and choosing not to come out to so much as greet them. I feel like my choice right now is to either sacrifice at least part of this day on little to no notice and with a lot of resentment, or be an asshole and a ball of anxiety. Husband feels like it is perfectly okay for me to not come out and be sociable. B knows the situation.
There is almost no auditory privacy between the living areas and the bedroom.
I picked Sunday because it is the most open and least likely to have events, Things I Must Do, or 'Hey! Let's get together!" happening. I can't pick a weekday. I've asked my husband to ask B to give us more notice so I can switch to Saturday that week, but notice almost always comes mid-Saturday at the outside. We suspect B chooses Sunday because of their work schedule. Sometimes they meet up outside the house.
What and why: I take the day alone from everyone, including my husband, young teen, and mom. I am extremely introverted at the best of times, and right now I am just fucking overwhelmed, exhausted, and burnt out from dealing with really hard shit on top of my own struggles and limits.
Husband isn't especially happy with me hermiting a full day, period.
I get that taking a day alone is unusual. I don't understand why we can't have one flexible day that we just don't have people over, regardless of whether or not I was doing this. Husband says he will pay attention to what MetaFilter has to say. Regardless, he's willing to capitulate; he's just really unhappy about it, and I'm unhappy that he's unhappy.
Please be kind. You can assume that Husband is amazeballs to a ridiculous degree, and I want to be amazeballs back.
If this is what you need, then this is what you need.
I can't tell if you make the other people who actually live with you get out, which might be a little extreme. But I don't see why your husband can't make plans with B anywhere else other than your house on Sundays.
posted by lyssabee at 1:41 PM on March 9, 2020 [4 favorites]
I can't tell if you make the other people who actually live with you get out, which might be a little extreme. But I don't see why your husband can't make plans with B anywhere else other than your house on Sundays.
posted by lyssabee at 1:41 PM on March 9, 2020 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Adding: I also feel like an asshole asking this of B at this point. B says it's totally cool that I don't come hang out, but they would never say otherwise, and it doesn't change how I feel about hiding away while they are here. I really like B and want them over, just not on that day.
posted by Eolienne at 1:41 PM on March 9, 2020
posted by Eolienne at 1:41 PM on March 9, 2020
Response by poster: I can't tell if you make the other people who actually live with you get out, which might be a little extreme.
No, I just spend the day in the bedroom. Everybody else gets to go about their own business, without me.
posted by Eolienne at 1:43 PM on March 9, 2020
No, I just spend the day in the bedroom. Everybody else gets to go about their own business, without me.
posted by Eolienne at 1:43 PM on March 9, 2020
I get that taking a day alone is unusual.
What? No it isn't, that's extremely normal! I would say it would be unusual for someone to feel like they need to pack every living day with social activities. Your request to have no interlopers enter your home once a week is exceedingly reasonable. Especially Sunday. It's Sunday ffs! That's the recharge day to prepare for all the upcoming shit next week.
posted by GoblinHoney at 1:44 PM on March 9, 2020 [71 favorites]
What? No it isn't, that's extremely normal! I would say it would be unusual for someone to feel like they need to pack every living day with social activities. Your request to have no interlopers enter your home once a week is exceedingly reasonable. Especially Sunday. It's Sunday ffs! That's the recharge day to prepare for all the upcoming shit next week.
posted by GoblinHoney at 1:44 PM on March 9, 2020 [71 favorites]
Right now you said you're really overwhelmed. That may change in the future but right now you need space. if he really really wants to see this person on Sunday they can go out and leave you out of it. You aren't asking the world, you are asking for clear expectations and some peace and quiet on a regular schedule.
posted by AlexiaSky at 1:46 PM on March 9, 2020 [16 favorites]
posted by AlexiaSky at 1:46 PM on March 9, 2020 [16 favorites]
I don't think it is too extreme for your husband to say to B something along the lines of, "Sunday is Eolienne's only chance to decompress and not be around people. I'm cool to hang out whenever, but if it's on Sunday we'll have to go someplace else." If B just shows up, your husband can greet B and then walk out of the house with him.
I understand that there are cultures/customs in which it is considered normal for a friend or family member to just "drop by for a visit" unannounced. But not anywhere I've ever lived and I wouldn't like it in any event. Is there something about B that gives rise to this practice? Is there anything preventing your husband and B from spending time together at B's house on Sundays? Would standing firm on Sundays hurt B's feelings or injure the relationship? Or is this just a "hospitality hangup" on your husband's part?
posted by slkinsey at 1:51 PM on March 9, 2020 [93 favorites]
I understand that there are cultures/customs in which it is considered normal for a friend or family member to just "drop by for a visit" unannounced. But not anywhere I've ever lived and I wouldn't like it in any event. Is there something about B that gives rise to this practice? Is there anything preventing your husband and B from spending time together at B's house on Sundays? Would standing firm on Sundays hurt B's feelings or injure the relationship? Or is this just a "hospitality hangup" on your husband's part?
posted by slkinsey at 1:51 PM on March 9, 2020 [93 favorites]
Your solution of having a day alone with no guests is reasonable. If your husband wants to see B, they can meet up elsewhere. And he can take the kid too if the kid is too young to be left alone. I have the need for a "pajama day" once a week, which is basically like your day. I don't want anything going on that day that forces me to put on a bra or make polite chit chat, unless I'm the one initiating it. You know what you need. I hope you get it.
posted by purple_bird at 1:51 PM on March 9, 2020 [18 favorites]
posted by purple_bird at 1:51 PM on March 9, 2020 [18 favorites]
I was with you on no houseguests for the day, but given your alone time involves hiding in the bedroom from the rest of your family too I don’t see how it really makes a difference whether anyone else is in the house or not. B understands and has promised you they don’t mind; take them at their word and treat them the same as you would your husband or kid on that day.
posted by corvine at 1:52 PM on March 9, 2020 [28 favorites]
posted by corvine at 1:52 PM on March 9, 2020 [28 favorites]
This doesn't seem unreasonable to me at all. You sound really overwhelmed. The point is not that you can hide in the bedroom the point is that you can't relax like you'd like in your own home. Does he not understand that being trapped in your bedroom within earshot of conversation is not helping you destress? I'm very introverted and would not be able to cope with a family member dropping by whenever. Is there a reason he won't enforce the limit on B or go out to meet them if not enough notice is given? Unless it's an emergency I don't see why there has to be an open door visitor policy on the one no visitors day. If he needs to keep Sundays open for B then maybe he can compromise to make Saturday the quiet day.
posted by oneear at 1:55 PM on March 9, 2020 [13 favorites]
posted by oneear at 1:55 PM on March 9, 2020 [13 favorites]
I am an introvert (I think) and I also have ADHD. If I don't get my alone & quiet home time at it can literally make me sick in addition to being terribly unhappy.
My marriage (to my BFF) ended partially because I did not fight for things like this. I mean I asked but was often dismissed even though I knew in my heart I needed it. In a way it feels almost like a a form of gas-lighting. Like someone is telling you "I am not going to give you that because you don't really need it". And in my case "You wouldn't be happy even if I did give you that" .
I believe you when you say he's a great guy. I also think it is a 1000% reasonable ask.
posted by i_mean_come_on_now at 2:01 PM on March 9, 2020 [20 favorites]
My marriage (to my BFF) ended partially because I did not fight for things like this. I mean I asked but was often dismissed even though I knew in my heart I needed it. In a way it feels almost like a a form of gas-lighting. Like someone is telling you "I am not going to give you that because you don't really need it". And in my case "You wouldn't be happy even if I did give you that" .
I believe you when you say he's a great guy. I also think it is a 1000% reasonable ask.
posted by i_mean_come_on_now at 2:01 PM on March 9, 2020 [20 favorites]
I think your request is reasonable. Why can't your husband see the relative at a restaurant, or at their home?
Can you move your default day alone to Saturday, so if the relative messes it up you can salvage Sunday?
posted by nouvelle-personne at 2:03 PM on March 9, 2020 [8 favorites]
Can you move your default day alone to Saturday, so if the relative messes it up you can salvage Sunday?
posted by nouvelle-personne at 2:03 PM on March 9, 2020 [8 favorites]
Spending an entire day every week absenting yourself from outside visitors AND from everyone who lives in your household is extremely unusual, as you've noted. You don't even want to see your kid or your husband that day. I don't want to be unkind, but I honestly can't imagine how awful that must feel to your child.
Even though the rest of your request is actually very reasonable -- at least a full day's notice before any day when someone plans to come to visit -- it is a lot harder to see the reasonableness in light of the first request, because it's packaged with something quite extreme.
I don't know what your really hard shit is, but assuming it is relatively temporary, I think it is reasonable to ask your husband to enforce a rule that visits from B must be planned no later than Friday, and husband can either tell B that Sunday is not a good time or arrange to meet B outside the home if B tries to plan a visit after Friday.
But along with that, I hope you can make a commitment to taking concrete steps to manage your stress and your reactions to it. That might seem like adding one more element of stress on top of a lot of other elements of stress, thus making things worse, but if you hide in your room once a week refusing to see your child, the situation is already a crisis, and something much more needs to happen than just you having fewer visitors come by the house.
posted by jacquilynne at 2:09 PM on March 9, 2020 [55 favorites]
Even though the rest of your request is actually very reasonable -- at least a full day's notice before any day when someone plans to come to visit -- it is a lot harder to see the reasonableness in light of the first request, because it's packaged with something quite extreme.
I don't know what your really hard shit is, but assuming it is relatively temporary, I think it is reasonable to ask your husband to enforce a rule that visits from B must be planned no later than Friday, and husband can either tell B that Sunday is not a good time or arrange to meet B outside the home if B tries to plan a visit after Friday.
But along with that, I hope you can make a commitment to taking concrete steps to manage your stress and your reactions to it. That might seem like adding one more element of stress on top of a lot of other elements of stress, thus making things worse, but if you hide in your room once a week refusing to see your child, the situation is already a crisis, and something much more needs to happen than just you having fewer visitors come by the house.
posted by jacquilynne at 2:09 PM on March 9, 2020 [55 favorites]
I have an understanding with my friends and social interactions, where they understand that if they *need* to come see me, or they *need* me to come see them or meet them somewhere, I will absolutely do everything I can to make that happen. Whereas if they *want* to come see me, or they *want* me to go somewhere, I will try but there's a chance I'll be having one of those days where I'm struggling with social interactions, so I might have to reschedule.
Could you maybe come to an understanding with B and husband that you'd prefer to not have to socialize on this day, but if B (or anyone else) *needs* to drop by you'll absolutely accommodate them?
I feel like as introverts we need to help people understand that, by not always spending our energy on every possible interaction, we're saving our energy for those interactions that really matter.
posted by Two unicycles and some duct tape at 2:09 PM on March 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
Could you maybe come to an understanding with B and husband that you'd prefer to not have to socialize on this day, but if B (or anyone else) *needs* to drop by you'll absolutely accommodate them?
I feel like as introverts we need to help people understand that, by not always spending our energy on every possible interaction, we're saving our energy for those interactions that really matter.
posted by Two unicycles and some duct tape at 2:09 PM on March 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
> I don't think it is too extreme for your husband to say to B something along the lines of, "Sunday is Eolienne's only chance to decompress and not be around people. I'm cool to hang out whenever, but if it's on Sunday we'll have to go someplace else."
There'd be nothing weird about hearing that in my social circle.
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:10 PM on March 9, 2020 [43 favorites]
There'd be nothing weird about hearing that in my social circle.
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:10 PM on March 9, 2020 [43 favorites]
I could also use a regular day alone but would feel guilty requesting it but usually don't need to 'cause there's enough alone time in my schedule already.
If you're interested in reading a novel about a couple with a similar dilemma see Raney by Clyde Edgerton.
posted by Rash at 2:11 PM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
If you're interested in reading a novel about a couple with a similar dilemma see Raney by Clyde Edgerton.
posted by Rash at 2:11 PM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
I agree with you. Could you see B on another day, and schedule it ahead of time? That is, initiate an invitation?
Having someone in the house, and knowing they are there, would very much undo the un-stressful intent of having time alone. Double if you like them, and triple if you can hear them. You need time alone. Honestly, I think most people would benefit from time alone.
You can explain it this way -- you really like B, so it makes you sad to not see them.
posted by amtho at 2:19 PM on March 9, 2020 [4 favorites]
Having someone in the house, and knowing they are there, would very much undo the un-stressful intent of having time alone. Double if you like them, and triple if you can hear them. You need time alone. Honestly, I think most people would benefit from time alone.
You can explain it this way -- you really like B, so it makes you sad to not see them.
posted by amtho at 2:19 PM on March 9, 2020 [4 favorites]
In middle school I actually had a friend with a mom who did this. I knew because I was having a sleepover at her house and her mom did dinner and whatnot the night before and her dad did breakfast and seeing me home the next day, and when I asked where her mom had gone she explained that Sundays were her mom's alone day, and after I was back home her and her dad would do their normal visit to her aunt's house for the afternoon. As an angsty 12 year old with mental health problems I thought this sounded brilliant. No clue how long her mom kept this up, we lost touch the next year. But my friend was clearly cool with it, and in retrospect it was because of her dad and extended family's complete buy-in to the arrangement.
So I suggest that you look into what you can do or say to get a slightly larger support network going for your family and friends. Maybe something can help B's home be an appealing place to be on Sundays. Maybe you could even stay somewhere else for the day. Maybe an additional friend could welcome B+husband &etc into their home. Maybe there's outdoor space that could be made more welcoming that people hanging out in wouldn't bug you. Regardless, I think your demands are doable but maybe not a perfect fit for everyone right now, so try to step outside of the problem and see how it can be adjusted to fit better.
posted by Mizu at 2:33 PM on March 9, 2020 [33 favorites]
So I suggest that you look into what you can do or say to get a slightly larger support network going for your family and friends. Maybe something can help B's home be an appealing place to be on Sundays. Maybe you could even stay somewhere else for the day. Maybe an additional friend could welcome B+husband &etc into their home. Maybe there's outdoor space that could be made more welcoming that people hanging out in wouldn't bug you. Regardless, I think your demands are doable but maybe not a perfect fit for everyone right now, so try to step outside of the problem and see how it can be adjusted to fit better.
posted by Mizu at 2:33 PM on March 9, 2020 [33 favorites]
You sound completely reasonable. This is clearly one of those “the range of normal behavior is wide” things, but to give you some idea, I would be absolutely around the bend with what you’re describing, having B decide one day before to visit, on a regular basis?
If this is something that happens most weeks, then I would strongly advocate for husband and B to have regular, pre planned hangouts that do NOT deviate without lots of advance notice, and/or happen outside the home. If it’s once in a blue moon, eh, sure, but I’m thinking like, once every several months.
But also, if you can bring yourself to do it, learn to love your alone time in your room. I have a situation a little like this and have established a routine that seems to work while leaving me feel like I’ve done an appropriate balance of being friendly and also caring for myself. I hang out with Friend when they arrive and while my partner finishes cooking dinner, chat with Friend about his day, and then take a plate and skedaddle to my room whose Friend and Partner chat about things I don’t care about and play video games I don’t enjoy. It works for us.
posted by Stacey at 2:34 PM on March 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
If this is something that happens most weeks, then I would strongly advocate for husband and B to have regular, pre planned hangouts that do NOT deviate without lots of advance notice, and/or happen outside the home. If it’s once in a blue moon, eh, sure, but I’m thinking like, once every several months.
But also, if you can bring yourself to do it, learn to love your alone time in your room. I have a situation a little like this and have established a routine that seems to work while leaving me feel like I’ve done an appropriate balance of being friendly and also caring for myself. I hang out with Friend when they arrive and while my partner finishes cooking dinner, chat with Friend about his day, and then take a plate and skedaddle to my room whose Friend and Partner chat about things I don’t care about and play video games I don’t enjoy. It works for us.
posted by Stacey at 2:34 PM on March 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
I get that taking a day alone is unusual.
Sooooo... it isn't. I think the best thing to come out of AskMe is when we can see an assumption someone makes (usually it is like this one in that it is about them and negative about themselves), and we reveal that it's not weird, it's not shameful and it's a reasonable boundary.
People cannot just drop by my house unannounced. No one has tried because I can't actually think why they would. The unsureness of when they will show up almost assuredly doesn't help. I often can't sleep if I know I have to be up in time for someone. It just... wrecks me with anxiety. Anyway, having a clearly defined boundary for a day seems fine to me.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 2:37 PM on March 9, 2020 [33 favorites]
Sooooo... it isn't. I think the best thing to come out of AskMe is when we can see an assumption someone makes (usually it is like this one in that it is about them and negative about themselves), and we reveal that it's not weird, it's not shameful and it's a reasonable boundary.
People cannot just drop by my house unannounced. No one has tried because I can't actually think why they would. The unsureness of when they will show up almost assuredly doesn't help. I often can't sleep if I know I have to be up in time for someone. It just... wrecks me with anxiety. Anyway, having a clearly defined boundary for a day seems fine to me.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 2:37 PM on March 9, 2020 [33 favorites]
Nthing what someone said above "the point is that you can't relax like you'd like in your own home." And needing time away from your children can also be completely normal! It's a "put on your oxygen mask first" situation.
posted by tofu_crouton at 2:51 PM on March 9, 2020 [23 favorites]
posted by tofu_crouton at 2:51 PM on March 9, 2020 [23 favorites]
Okay, so are you in your bedroom by yourself regardless of whether B comes over? And your husband would like B to be able to come over and you can stay in your bedroom? And B is also fine with that? So the issue is really more that you feel guilty when B is over and you feel like you have to emerge from your bedroom? Even though you would be happy to stay in your bedroom when it's just your husband, mom, and child in the house?
If the issue here is that you feel obligated to greet B, but B and your husband don't care, then I think I understand your husband's perspective on this. He likely has some extra household responsibilities on the days when you are hiding in the bedroom (taking full care of the teen and the rest of the household, presumably?), and he would like to be able to have a visit with B.
If B's presence in the house doesn't disrupt you, and truly the only issue is your guilt at not greeting B, then I would suggest that the compromise here is that ... you just stay in your bedroom.
People are saying it's fine to take a day to yourself, but I don't think many parents, even of older kids, typically take a full weekend day away from their kids. But if you feel totally fine about not interacting with your kid, why do you feel guilty for not interacting with B? Surely you have more obligations to your kid?
I feel like my choice right now is to either sacrifice at least part of this day on little to no notice and with a lot of resentment, or be an asshole and a ball of anxiety. Husband feels like it is perfectly okay for me to not come out and be sociable.
I think the issue here is your anxiety about not greeting B. It sounds like you are super stressed right now, and that's a hard time to make a change or learn new patterns of thinking, but I would say that since you give yourself permission to isolate yourself from your husband, kid, and mom, then you need to also give yourself permission to isolate yourself from B. B does not care. You do. Why are you more worried about B's feelings than your kid's?
You aren't just dictating your own behavior (isolating yourself) but your husband's ability to interact with a friend/relative on what sounds like a stressful day for him (because he's working through your self-isolation). I would try hard to work through your anxiety about this. That does seem like a compromise to me. Do you have headphones you can wear when B is there to try to block out your awareness of their presence?
posted by bluedaisy at 2:58 PM on March 9, 2020 [21 favorites]
If the issue here is that you feel obligated to greet B, but B and your husband don't care, then I think I understand your husband's perspective on this. He likely has some extra household responsibilities on the days when you are hiding in the bedroom (taking full care of the teen and the rest of the household, presumably?), and he would like to be able to have a visit with B.
If B's presence in the house doesn't disrupt you, and truly the only issue is your guilt at not greeting B, then I would suggest that the compromise here is that ... you just stay in your bedroom.
People are saying it's fine to take a day to yourself, but I don't think many parents, even of older kids, typically take a full weekend day away from their kids. But if you feel totally fine about not interacting with your kid, why do you feel guilty for not interacting with B? Surely you have more obligations to your kid?
I feel like my choice right now is to either sacrifice at least part of this day on little to no notice and with a lot of resentment, or be an asshole and a ball of anxiety. Husband feels like it is perfectly okay for me to not come out and be sociable.
I think the issue here is your anxiety about not greeting B. It sounds like you are super stressed right now, and that's a hard time to make a change or learn new patterns of thinking, but I would say that since you give yourself permission to isolate yourself from your husband, kid, and mom, then you need to also give yourself permission to isolate yourself from B. B does not care. You do. Why are you more worried about B's feelings than your kid's?
You aren't just dictating your own behavior (isolating yourself) but your husband's ability to interact with a friend/relative on what sounds like a stressful day for him (because he's working through your self-isolation). I would try hard to work through your anxiety about this. That does seem like a compromise to me. Do you have headphones you can wear when B is there to try to block out your awareness of their presence?
posted by bluedaisy at 2:58 PM on March 9, 2020 [21 favorites]
Response by poster: Ugh, this is super defensive but: parenting button. I feel like I need to clarify that I don't "refuse to see my child," and that's a pretty uncharitable take on asking time alone to recharge and recover. I nurture the fuck out of my kid, and most of my time and energy go toward them, especially right now. They get loads of affection and positive feedback through the week, and they 100% feel seen, heard, and loved. They happen to like and want time alone, too.
Having said all that, I knew this could be a contentious post and I do appreciate having everybody's perspective and advice, including that I need to do better with managing my stress overall.
posted by Eolienne at 3:00 PM on March 9, 2020 [47 favorites]
Having said all that, I knew this could be a contentious post and I do appreciate having everybody's perspective and advice, including that I need to do better with managing my stress overall.
posted by Eolienne at 3:00 PM on March 9, 2020 [47 favorites]
Chiming in to say that I understand needing a reliable, predictable day to yourself, and that lack of sound privacy also ruins that for me. (Have lived in a lot of old houses with weird plumbing because they’re designed better for privacy. Plaster walls! Corridors!)
I’m sorry, Husband-of-Eolienne, but please please figure out how to intercept B at the door or earlier and go do something elsewhere. Maybe if you haven’t seen B that week by Saturday evening, you could call them and preemptively suggest something? B will know you want to see them, Eioleen will have a chance to regrow her skin. I know that sounds extreme, but that’s how it used to feel to me.
posted by clew at 3:19 PM on March 9, 2020 [13 favorites]
I’m sorry, Husband-of-Eolienne, but please please figure out how to intercept B at the door or earlier and go do something elsewhere. Maybe if you haven’t seen B that week by Saturday evening, you could call them and preemptively suggest something? B will know you want to see them, Eioleen will have a chance to regrow her skin. I know that sounds extreme, but that’s how it used to feel to me.
posted by clew at 3:19 PM on March 9, 2020 [13 favorites]
I'm sorry, Eolienne. You're right -- I could have worded that much more kindly, and I definitely apologize for parent-shaming or any suggestion that you aren't an excellent parent. I was responding to this:
I take the day alone from everyone, including my husband, young teen, and mom.
But you're correct that I read that more literally than charitably.
I was trying to parse the difference between your feelings of obligations to your immediate family members versus B to suggest that it was okay to try to let go of the guilt about not greeting B. I'm sorry for piling on to your difficulties with all this. Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:21 PM on March 9, 2020 [14 favorites]
I take the day alone from everyone, including my husband, young teen, and mom.
But you're correct that I read that more literally than charitably.
I was trying to parse the difference between your feelings of obligations to your immediate family members versus B to suggest that it was okay to try to let go of the guilt about not greeting B. I'm sorry for piling on to your difficulties with all this. Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 3:21 PM on March 9, 2020 [14 favorites]
it is 100% fine and within the range of normal to have [some defined time, however much you need] be a no-guests-in-the-house situation.
It is EMPHATICALLY not the same thing to have a guest in the house as it is to have your nuclear family in the house, even if you are in your room. The implications to whether you're being judged as a host are different; your ability to wander out of your room with no pants on is different; your mental "preparedness" are different... You can't be expected to just hide in your room and have a guest in the house on your one day off and call it good.
You haven't asked for advice re holing up in your room even when your family's around, but that's reasonable too, to the extent your household responsibilities allow. I hope you're able to get a larger place soon, one with a little study for you to be alone in when you want!
(If it matters, my household has guests frequently. Both whole-family guests and kid playdate guests. And there are times when one or more of us say "NO GUESTS" and that's just how it is that day, or weekend or whatever. People need to recharge sometimes.)
The line about "wife only has Sunday off and needs a quiet house, so if we're getting together Sunday it's gotta be someplace else" is perfectly fine for your husband to deliver. It'd be ideal if he can take the kid with him; if not, you guys can alternate.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:23 PM on March 9, 2020 [26 favorites]
It is EMPHATICALLY not the same thing to have a guest in the house as it is to have your nuclear family in the house, even if you are in your room. The implications to whether you're being judged as a host are different; your ability to wander out of your room with no pants on is different; your mental "preparedness" are different... You can't be expected to just hide in your room and have a guest in the house on your one day off and call it good.
You haven't asked for advice re holing up in your room even when your family's around, but that's reasonable too, to the extent your household responsibilities allow. I hope you're able to get a larger place soon, one with a little study for you to be alone in when you want!
(If it matters, my household has guests frequently. Both whole-family guests and kid playdate guests. And there are times when one or more of us say "NO GUESTS" and that's just how it is that day, or weekend or whatever. People need to recharge sometimes.)
The line about "wife only has Sunday off and needs a quiet house, so if we're getting together Sunday it's gotta be someplace else" is perfectly fine for your husband to deliver. It'd be ideal if he can take the kid with him; if not, you guys can alternate.
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:23 PM on March 9, 2020 [26 favorites]
I don't think it is too extreme for your husband to say to B something along the lines of, "Sunday is Eolienne's only chance to decompress and not be around people. I'm cool to hang out whenever, but if it's on Sunday we'll have to go someplace else."
This is completely reasonable according to me (a pretty extroverted person), and this phrasing is a great opportunity for your husband to have your back and demonstrate some teamwork, rather than telling B "Eoilenne can't stand people on Sundays, so you can't come over," which makes your need to recharge alone into your problem, rather than the two of you collaborating together to create a happy outcome that works for both of you.
posted by tapir-whorf at 3:24 PM on March 9, 2020 [13 favorites]
This is completely reasonable according to me (a pretty extroverted person), and this phrasing is a great opportunity for your husband to have your back and demonstrate some teamwork, rather than telling B "Eoilenne can't stand people on Sundays, so you can't come over," which makes your need to recharge alone into your problem, rather than the two of you collaborating together to create a happy outcome that works for both of you.
posted by tapir-whorf at 3:24 PM on March 9, 2020 [13 favorites]
My weekends are a lot like this. Initially it was because my wife does the bulk of the childcare during the week so I wanted to give her a break on the weekends and now its because she's in school and really needs the time for her studies. She isn't an introvert at all but people need regular breaks and your spouse should be helping you with that.
As a kid I remember people coming over unannounced all the time but people are busier now and have cell phones so it would be a bit weird for someone to drop by like that now. And if someone calls/texts ahead of time it is so easy to say "why don't we meet up at place X instead?"
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 3:29 PM on March 9, 2020 [6 favorites]
As a kid I remember people coming over unannounced all the time but people are busier now and have cell phones so it would be a bit weird for someone to drop by like that now. And if someone calls/texts ahead of time it is so easy to say "why don't we meet up at place X instead?"
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 3:29 PM on March 9, 2020 [6 favorites]
Oh gosh, I say no to guests all the time! I am unrepentant about needing alone time to recharge my batteries, and I've actually found I generally feel easier about it, if I mention it up front, early, and from a no negotian angle. "hey, sorry I can't do Sunday, I really need some alone time to recharge on weekends." Most people get this.
I think sometimes others can struggle to understand, I do the majority of the housework in my home, and having that hanging over me like a storm cloud on Sunday is also something I hate.
This is a reasonable request, husband can meet at his friend/relative's house, and in fact should have stepped up and done so already. Whether he thinks your need is valid or not doesn't matter; the fact you want it is enough. It's your need not his, and in the scale of things people want in a relationship, it's pretty small beans.
posted by smoke at 3:31 PM on March 9, 2020 [5 favorites]
I think sometimes others can struggle to understand, I do the majority of the housework in my home, and having that hanging over me like a storm cloud on Sunday is also something I hate.
This is a reasonable request, husband can meet at his friend/relative's house, and in fact should have stepped up and done so already. Whether he thinks your need is valid or not doesn't matter; the fact you want it is enough. It's your need not his, and in the scale of things people want in a relationship, it's pretty small beans.
posted by smoke at 3:31 PM on March 9, 2020 [5 favorites]
Wow I am surprised to go against the tide here but I understand where your husband is coming from. I think it would be very hard to be told I could have no visitors in my home, especially if I had the kid, and especially on a weekend day. BUT BUT BUT I live in an environment where neighbors are constantly dropping by, family is stopping by, kids are outside playing.
I totally get not wanting to interact with other people for one day a week and I think that is very healthy.
posted by pintapicasso at 3:41 PM on March 9, 2020 [7 favorites]
I totally get not wanting to interact with other people for one day a week and I think that is very healthy.
posted by pintapicasso at 3:41 PM on March 9, 2020 [7 favorites]
Something that might help in the negotiation: this doesn’t need to be a permanent state of affairs. There’s no need to sit B down and say, “Look, you can never come over on Sundays.” Your husband just needs to run interference. Let’s say, for the next two or three weekends, you are going to get a day, mark it on the calendar, “no guests! Quiet day!” And this is your day to decompress. Your husband can then navigate this. “Hey, can I drop by Sunday?” Husband: “Ahhh, that won’t work actually this weekend, sorry. What are you doing next Saturday?” There are lots of normal and reasonable ways to head off a reasonable guest and run interference for your partner. It’s doable and doesn’t need to be dramatic. After 3 weeks, you can reassess. This solution is cheaper than therapy and far cheaper than divorce!
posted by amanda at 3:41 PM on March 9, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by amanda at 3:41 PM on March 9, 2020 [4 favorites]
Hmmm! I'm against the grain on this one! You like to stay in your room, which I agree is a reasonable amount of alone space to take for the alone day that you want. You can stay in your room and not be bothered by anyone and I think that seems okay with me!
My problem starts with where you start restricting the activities of the other people in your household to suit your desires. Your husband doesn't want an alone day, so he shouldn't have to take one. You're staying in your room, he's leaving you alone - let him do whatever else he wants with the rest of the home he also lives in.
My husband loves games so much. He wants people to come over and play them all the time. I don't want this. He often has people over to play games and I don't participate. Sometimes I don't even say hi to anyone, even if they're good friends. I tell him I'm not going to take part and I don't. The first couple times it felt weird to read a novel in the bath while there was 20 people playing poker in my basement, but now it doesn't. We can do two different things. People probably think I'm being weird, but that's okay. I kind of am.
I can want to be alone, but it is overstepping to assume that my desire outstrips his desire to not want to be alone. We live in the house together - if I want to be alone I can certainly request that he leave for a bit and he could consider it, or I could leave and go somewhere alone. Or I can take a reasonable amount of space for myself to be alone in, and allow him to do whatever he wants in his reasonable amount of space.
posted by euphoria066 at 3:44 PM on March 9, 2020 [28 favorites]
My problem starts with where you start restricting the activities of the other people in your household to suit your desires. Your husband doesn't want an alone day, so he shouldn't have to take one. You're staying in your room, he's leaving you alone - let him do whatever else he wants with the rest of the home he also lives in.
My husband loves games so much. He wants people to come over and play them all the time. I don't want this. He often has people over to play games and I don't participate. Sometimes I don't even say hi to anyone, even if they're good friends. I tell him I'm not going to take part and I don't. The first couple times it felt weird to read a novel in the bath while there was 20 people playing poker in my basement, but now it doesn't. We can do two different things. People probably think I'm being weird, but that's okay. I kind of am.
I can want to be alone, but it is overstepping to assume that my desire outstrips his desire to not want to be alone. We live in the house together - if I want to be alone I can certainly request that he leave for a bit and he could consider it, or I could leave and go somewhere alone. Or I can take a reasonable amount of space for myself to be alone in, and allow him to do whatever he wants in his reasonable amount of space.
posted by euphoria066 at 3:44 PM on March 9, 2020 [28 favorites]
I'm going through a rough time. My mom has stage 4 breast cancer and my work is only letting me have time off if I make up my hours in the evenings and weekends. My life is kind of a shitshow right now. I needed a break one night about a month ago and kicked my husband and dogs out of the house for the night. (They stayed with his parents a couple of miles away. )
I recently also checked myself into a hotel for the weekend and ignored my phone so I could get some actual down time.
No unplanned visitors one day a week sounds perfectly reasonable.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 3:47 PM on March 9, 2020 [12 favorites]
I recently also checked myself into a hotel for the weekend and ignored my phone so I could get some actual down time.
No unplanned visitors one day a week sounds perfectly reasonable.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 3:47 PM on March 9, 2020 [12 favorites]
Right. I think this comes down to whether your husband is on board with your day alone at all. If he is, then he's got plenty of solutions with B -- direct them to plan far enough ahead not to conflict with your day alone; make plans for outside the house; just tell them 'not this week' if neither of the above work out. If he isn't, then you guys need to work that out.
But as long as you're agreed that it's not unreasonable of you to take the alone day once a week, extending that to mean 'and no guests in the house' is completely reasonable. Having a guest in the house while you're having introvert time changes it from you being alone in your bedroom because that's what you want, to you being trapped in your bedroom because it would be super weird and awkward to emerge. He needs to understand that having guests over during your alone day wrecks the day: either he's fine with you taking the alone day; or he needs to have guests over without preplanning enough that he's not fine with you taking the alone day, but both needs aren't compatible.
posted by LizardBreath at 3:49 PM on March 9, 2020 [5 favorites]
But as long as you're agreed that it's not unreasonable of you to take the alone day once a week, extending that to mean 'and no guests in the house' is completely reasonable. Having a guest in the house while you're having introvert time changes it from you being alone in your bedroom because that's what you want, to you being trapped in your bedroom because it would be super weird and awkward to emerge. He needs to understand that having guests over during your alone day wrecks the day: either he's fine with you taking the alone day; or he needs to have guests over without preplanning enough that he's not fine with you taking the alone day, but both needs aren't compatible.
posted by LizardBreath at 3:49 PM on March 9, 2020 [5 favorites]
I am firmly on team "this is totally fine and normal". I also do not think that it is particularly restrictive to request that your husband does not have people over for one day of the week. I mean come on, it is ONE DAY. If he wants to be social Sundays that's cool, but there's no reason why he can't plan to do so somewhere else. He can host at your place on other days. Hiding in your room may be a compromise, but it is unlikely to actually meet your needs since you'll be unable to fully relax with someone who isn't a nuclear family member in the house. I totally get that. I really think that he should support you in this; you can support him by being open to him having people over at other times. That's what a partnership is about, making sure that both people get their needs met.
posted by DTMFA at 4:07 PM on March 9, 2020 [10 favorites]
posted by DTMFA at 4:07 PM on March 9, 2020 [10 favorites]
Mod note: Few comments removed -- we're going to do a reboot on this thread. Please direct answers to the OP's question and note their updates. Thank you.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 4:14 PM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 4:14 PM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
Maybe it’s because I’m in a 2-introvert household but I think it is not normal for someone to drop by without calling any day of the week. And it is totally normal for you to want your solitude. The fact that this is so fraught makes me wonder if this person is, in fact, your spouse’s parent. In which case this is beyond my pay grade and more in the realm of Captain Awkward.
posted by matildaben at 4:27 PM on March 9, 2020 [14 favorites]
posted by matildaben at 4:27 PM on March 9, 2020 [14 favorites]
Having other people's guests in the house stresses me out a lot. That was when I had roommates, and the auditory situation was that if people were over, I could not ignore their conversations. I knew they were there, I ignored them, it was still very much not the same as real alone time. It was just nails-on-chalkboard unpleasant.
You are not being unreasonable here. I never put my foot down about guests with my roommates because, well, they're roommates, not spouses. But you should!
posted by BungaDunga at 4:49 PM on March 9, 2020 [12 favorites]
You are not being unreasonable here. I never put my foot down about guests with my roommates because, well, they're roommates, not spouses. But you should!
posted by BungaDunga at 4:49 PM on March 9, 2020 [12 favorites]
Look, if you need it, you need it, and it sounds like he's going to give it to you. But it also sounds like it's kind of a big ask, especially from his point of view, so maybe treating it less like it's the obvious way things should be and more like a favor he's doing you (which it kind of is, because it's his house too and to do it his way would not require you to do anything or be present) would be kind of you.
From my POV, a person who has "drop by any time" privileges is on a special "like family" level, so I would think of having them over as more the equivalent of the rest of your family's presence, rather than a full-on guest. Maybe that's where your spouse is coming from.
Either way, though--he would rather not do this, but he will do it because you need it. If he's being a jerk about it, that's one thing, but if he just doesn't get it, maybe you should just thank him for his generosity.
posted by gideonfrog at 5:12 PM on March 9, 2020 [6 favorites]
From my POV, a person who has "drop by any time" privileges is on a special "like family" level, so I would think of having them over as more the equivalent of the rest of your family's presence, rather than a full-on guest. Maybe that's where your spouse is coming from.
Either way, though--he would rather not do this, but he will do it because you need it. If he's being a jerk about it, that's one thing, but if he just doesn't get it, maybe you should just thank him for his generosity.
posted by gideonfrog at 5:12 PM on March 9, 2020 [6 favorites]
Among my friend group, the idea that there would be a "no visitors one day of the week" rule for a family would be totally normal and unremarkable.
posted by selfmedicating at 5:21 PM on March 9, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by selfmedicating at 5:21 PM on March 9, 2020 [6 favorites]
You are putting a lot of stress on yourself about how you behave when B is there. You don't have to. You can take their comments on face value and know they are okay with you not socialising with them.
That was the only way I managed with my ex and his need for social interaction. Setting myself up nice and cosy and good in my bedroom, with tea and books and the internet, occasional kid cuddles, and not letting myself get into a spiral of "but I have to do and be different when Guest is here".
That said it is not unreasonable to want a weekend day of no guests. The auditory lack of privacy makes it hard to separate yourself - headphones are okay but make other things more difficult. Can you make it once a fortnight? If B is close enough to truly be okay with you not socialising, they should also be okay with not coming over every weekend, or hanging out elsewhere.
Because ultimately this conflict was a part of my marriage dissolution. We could not make the compromises work in a way that was good for both of us. The pressure of the years of enforced socialising meant I required more and more time alone and that ended up meaning I spent less time with my ex; his need for socialising and active engagement meant he felt rejected by that, and unhappy even when I compromised because he knew I was unhappy. It's difficult. I hope you can work it out.
posted by geek anachronism at 5:23 PM on March 9, 2020 [3 favorites]
That was the only way I managed with my ex and his need for social interaction. Setting myself up nice and cosy and good in my bedroom, with tea and books and the internet, occasional kid cuddles, and not letting myself get into a spiral of "but I have to do and be different when Guest is here".
That said it is not unreasonable to want a weekend day of no guests. The auditory lack of privacy makes it hard to separate yourself - headphones are okay but make other things more difficult. Can you make it once a fortnight? If B is close enough to truly be okay with you not socialising, they should also be okay with not coming over every weekend, or hanging out elsewhere.
Because ultimately this conflict was a part of my marriage dissolution. We could not make the compromises work in a way that was good for both of us. The pressure of the years of enforced socialising meant I required more and more time alone and that ended up meaning I spent less time with my ex; his need for socialising and active engagement meant he felt rejected by that, and unhappy even when I compromised because he knew I was unhappy. It's difficult. I hope you can work it out.
posted by geek anachronism at 5:23 PM on March 9, 2020 [3 favorites]
I am deeply introverted and having guests (even ones I adore) makes me feel exhausted. So I deeply relate. But I also believe you need to be more flexible.
I feel like my choice right now is to either sacrifice at least part of this day on little to no notice and with a lot of resentment, or be an asshole and a ball of anxiety. Husband feels like it is perfectly okay for me to not come out and be sociable. B knows the situation.
There is another, better option: To do your own thing, and not interact with B, and to feel good about it. Self care is important! Don’t think of yourself as an asshole, but as someone who knows that they need and is politely getting.
Instead of forcing your husband to give up something because of your hang ups, why not deal with those hang ups? You’ll both be happier for it.
There is almost no auditory privacy between the living areas and the bedroom.
Would a white noise machine or noise-canceling headphones help?
posted by shb at 5:40 PM on March 9, 2020 [5 favorites]
I feel like my choice right now is to either sacrifice at least part of this day on little to no notice and with a lot of resentment, or be an asshole and a ball of anxiety. Husband feels like it is perfectly okay for me to not come out and be sociable. B knows the situation.
There is another, better option: To do your own thing, and not interact with B, and to feel good about it. Self care is important! Don’t think of yourself as an asshole, but as someone who knows that they need and is politely getting.
Instead of forcing your husband to give up something because of your hang ups, why not deal with those hang ups? You’ll both be happier for it.
There is almost no auditory privacy between the living areas and the bedroom.
Would a white noise machine or noise-canceling headphones help?
posted by shb at 5:40 PM on March 9, 2020 [5 favorites]
This is why people build she-sheds. Because while a relative might say hello if they pass your open bedroom door in the hallway, there is no excuse for going into the backyard and playing Frisbee while you are meditating/painting/building a website in your personal space.
Likewise putting a small trailer or Class B van in the driveway or side yard.
These are more territorial than saying you want one day of down-time per week, but if having your own personal space gets the point across and you have the money and room for it, this may be a way of getting that physical distance. Put a sign on the door saying, "8 am to 8 pm -- solving world hunger. Tiaras and flaming batons involved. No admittance."
The downside is ceding your house to the rest of the family, which makes it feel less like your home.
posted by TrishaU at 5:41 PM on March 9, 2020 [4 favorites]
Likewise putting a small trailer or Class B van in the driveway or side yard.
These are more territorial than saying you want one day of down-time per week, but if having your own personal space gets the point across and you have the money and room for it, this may be a way of getting that physical distance. Put a sign on the door saying, "8 am to 8 pm -- solving world hunger. Tiaras and flaming batons involved. No admittance."
The downside is ceding your house to the rest of the family, which makes it feel less like your home.
posted by TrishaU at 5:41 PM on March 9, 2020 [4 favorites]
Seems to me that he gets what he wants seven days out of seven, and you get what you want no days out of seven. I don't get why this seems reasonable to anybody.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 5:42 PM on March 9, 2020 [59 favorites]
posted by Sing Or Swim at 5:42 PM on March 9, 2020 [59 favorites]
It’s cultural & psychological. I wouldn’t restrict family members’ friends coming over but I would not interact with them at all. I have a friend who can come over whenever because she can do her own thing if I’m having a rough day and is happy to potter around peacefully. I have other friends I can only have over if I am fully charged because they need attention and I am so relieved when they leave, so now I see them outside my house. I like them both but different personalities can be exhausting.
You’re very reasonable to need recharge time and your partner needs to accept that your statement is truthful, not expect you to be constantly on simply because they are. It’s disrespectful of him to not take what you say as a plain statement and suggest you are weird or wrong for being exhausted differently to him.
I would suggest switching to two full (5hrs minimum) afternoons or mornings instead of a full day and see if that is more refreshing than 1 day a week. And good for you modelling mental health caretaking and boundaries for your kid.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 5:59 PM on March 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
You’re very reasonable to need recharge time and your partner needs to accept that your statement is truthful, not expect you to be constantly on simply because they are. It’s disrespectful of him to not take what you say as a plain statement and suggest you are weird or wrong for being exhausted differently to him.
I would suggest switching to two full (5hrs minimum) afternoons or mornings instead of a full day and see if that is more refreshing than 1 day a week. And good for you modelling mental health caretaking and boundaries for your kid.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 5:59 PM on March 9, 2020 [2 favorites]
This seems totally fair and reasonable to me. It's your home, too, and you're asking for this on only one day out of 7.
posted by needs more cowbell at 6:09 PM on March 9, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by needs more cowbell at 6:09 PM on March 9, 2020 [6 favorites]
Having no visitors for one day of the week sounds fine.
Opting out of family life for 50% of the weekend sounds less fine, and then also trying to dictate what your partner does on that day (“you can’t even have your own mom round for lunch”) is also not fine.
If that is how your partner is experiencing this alone-day (and you say yourself that they are unhappy about it), that might be why they are pushing back so hard on the no-visitors thing. So maybe that needs a bit more discussion, rather than focusing on the visitors aspect.
posted by tinkletown at 6:19 PM on March 9, 2020 [10 favorites]
Opting out of family life for 50% of the weekend sounds less fine, and then also trying to dictate what your partner does on that day (“you can’t even have your own mom round for lunch”) is also not fine.
If that is how your partner is experiencing this alone-day (and you say yourself that they are unhappy about it), that might be why they are pushing back so hard on the no-visitors thing. So maybe that needs a bit more discussion, rather than focusing on the visitors aspect.
posted by tinkletown at 6:19 PM on March 9, 2020 [10 favorites]
Man, I wish I could see this situation the way euphoria066 sees it. But I am an anxious person and an introvert with traits of high sensitivity and I absolutely cannot relax if there's extra people in my house, even if they aren't interacting with me. I am sure it is more fair to say, if you want to be alone then get a room and be alone, but some people need more room than that for their minds, nevermind their bodies. I wish I could even articulate this issue. Someone said growing your skin back and it really can be like that.
One day per week to avoid a nervous breakdown is a small price for your husband to pay. If your life feels chaotic and stressful then you absolutely deserve to have predictable access to coping methods. It sounds like this is an important one for you. I'm impressed that you are even willing to have a flexible day for recharge. When I'm as stressed as you sound, I lean heavily on structure and would want the same day every week to reliably decompress.
I wish we knew more about why your husband is unhappy about this. Does he not want to let down B, is he resentful of you wanting a day to yourself, is he an extrovert so he doesn't grok the needs of an introvert, is he taking for granted whatever else you're doing to support the family so he feels things are uneven? Is he feeling a sense of split loyalty where the two of you need to make conscious and explicit what you both believe about the hierarchy of loyalty when needs clash? Many people assume that the marriage comes first but in practice beliefs don't always reflect that. Does your husband believe his brother/sister/whomever should take priority over his frazzled wife? I'm sure he is a great guy with a lot of good qualities, but I also think that you needing one regular mental health day is more than reasonable especially if your husband could meet with B elsewhere without being unmade. If he can do it and be grumpy, versus you doing it and being broken, is it really such a difficult decision?
posted by crunchy potato at 6:24 PM on March 9, 2020 [15 favorites]
One day per week to avoid a nervous breakdown is a small price for your husband to pay. If your life feels chaotic and stressful then you absolutely deserve to have predictable access to coping methods. It sounds like this is an important one for you. I'm impressed that you are even willing to have a flexible day for recharge. When I'm as stressed as you sound, I lean heavily on structure and would want the same day every week to reliably decompress.
I wish we knew more about why your husband is unhappy about this. Does he not want to let down B, is he resentful of you wanting a day to yourself, is he an extrovert so he doesn't grok the needs of an introvert, is he taking for granted whatever else you're doing to support the family so he feels things are uneven? Is he feeling a sense of split loyalty where the two of you need to make conscious and explicit what you both believe about the hierarchy of loyalty when needs clash? Many people assume that the marriage comes first but in practice beliefs don't always reflect that. Does your husband believe his brother/sister/whomever should take priority over his frazzled wife? I'm sure he is a great guy with a lot of good qualities, but I also think that you needing one regular mental health day is more than reasonable especially if your husband could meet with B elsewhere without being unmade. If he can do it and be grumpy, versus you doing it and being broken, is it really such a difficult decision?
posted by crunchy potato at 6:24 PM on March 9, 2020 [15 favorites]
good for you modelling mental health caretaking and boundaries for your kid
Seconding so hard! This is the opposite of a crisis. Your kid is lucky. I was right around their age when I learned how necessary "alone time" could be to my ability to function. To be honest, I wish I'd learned more about emotional self-care at that age. (A whole day of alone time every week sounds like heaven.)
I think people have the introvert/extrovert thing pretty well covered. But is it also a cultural or class difference? For example, I spent my childhood in a working-class town where people showed up at each other's doors unannounced all the time. When I was a teenager, we moved to somewhere more upper middle-class, where you pretty much had to make an appointment anytime you wanted to see anyone. I thought it was so weird, and I still kind of do, even though I've mostly lived in that culture ever since.
Just thought it might be a useful idea to explore, if you are in problem-solving mode.
posted by the_blizz at 6:25 PM on March 9, 2020 [12 favorites]
Seconding so hard! This is the opposite of a crisis. Your kid is lucky. I was right around their age when I learned how necessary "alone time" could be to my ability to function. To be honest, I wish I'd learned more about emotional self-care at that age. (A whole day of alone time every week sounds like heaven.)
I think people have the introvert/extrovert thing pretty well covered. But is it also a cultural or class difference? For example, I spent my childhood in a working-class town where people showed up at each other's doors unannounced all the time. When I was a teenager, we moved to somewhere more upper middle-class, where you pretty much had to make an appointment anytime you wanted to see anyone. I thought it was so weird, and I still kind of do, even though I've mostly lived in that culture ever since.
Just thought it might be a useful idea to explore, if you are in problem-solving mode.
posted by the_blizz at 6:25 PM on March 9, 2020 [12 favorites]
The way I read it, I don't see it as "So you have your bedroom, maybe some headphones and more pillows or potpourri?" I read it as "No one's stopping you from spending the day in the basement, just wear your old shoes." OP sounds like they'd use the whole house if they could, but the bedroom is simply the only option for any isolation at the moment.
If the main thing is "surprise" and "sudden social obligation," even if B supports OP's needs, any focus or consistency OP might have is broken when the doorbell rings, and under the current situation that can always happen at any moment. So, OP basically is on edge the whole day. Then when anybody shows up, well, it's game on for the rest of the house.
Maybe it could be workable to reframe it as a "quiet house" day? How would it be if teen kid was also interested in the idea, where they can sit in their room and read or play non-voice chat video games, or whatever, without any risk/expectation that someone might interrupt? Saying "no" doesn't mean you hate your kid, just that "alone" takes precedence. But, under the QH idea, everybody knows that it's quiet house day and if they want to be in the house that it's individual activity time.
posted by rhizome at 7:07 PM on March 9, 2020 [9 favorites]
If the main thing is "surprise" and "sudden social obligation," even if B supports OP's needs, any focus or consistency OP might have is broken when the doorbell rings, and under the current situation that can always happen at any moment. So, OP basically is on edge the whole day. Then when anybody shows up, well, it's game on for the rest of the house.
Maybe it could be workable to reframe it as a "quiet house" day? How would it be if teen kid was also interested in the idea, where they can sit in their room and read or play non-voice chat video games, or whatever, without any risk/expectation that someone might interrupt? Saying "no" doesn't mean you hate your kid, just that "alone" takes precedence. But, under the QH idea, everybody knows that it's quiet house day and if they want to be in the house that it's individual activity time.
posted by rhizome at 7:07 PM on March 9, 2020 [9 favorites]
I agree with your husband. Taking a day of solitude is what you need and that's fine. But saying he basically has to have one too, by restricting his visitors does not seem reasonable.
posted by Pretty Good Talker at 7:18 PM on March 9, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by Pretty Good Talker at 7:18 PM on March 9, 2020 [3 favorites]
As a married person, there are things I do to support my wife's needs even when I don't fully understand them (and vice versa) - because I love and respect her, because I believe her when she tells me she needs something even if I don't need that thing, and because wanting the best for her helps achieve the best for our "Team Us."
For whatever it's worth, I'm with the folks who say it's not unusual to ask for a regularly-scheduled day to yourself and that you absolutely deserve that time. Moreover, it would drive me nuts to have to "hide" in my room in my own damn house when I needed to recharge, or to not know until the last minute whether a visitor was coming over or not, even IF there were enough space that I didn't have to hear the visitor on the other side of the wall. It's not about whether the visitor expects you to talk to them - it's stressful having others in your home when you just want to enjoy it quietly. Even reading your question stressed me out a bit and I don't think I'm on the "extreme" end of introversion or anything.
More importantly, though: it doesn't really matter how many of us agree or disagree with the idea of a weekly "no visitors" day. This is what YOU need. Asking for what you need is healthy, even if it causes others to have to do something differently. If I'm reading your question correctly, you're even flexible enough to switch your day to Saturday if given notice - and it sounds like you're not at all trying to keep your husband from socializing on your no visitors day ("Sometimes they met up outside the house.").
You are absolutely reasonable in asking your husband to support you in this, even if he doesn't understand the need himself. By supporting you in what you need, by helping you be the best "you" you can be, he would be supporting the family as a unit. I hear that you're unhappy that he's unhappy about having to do things with B somewhere other than your home on Sundays - but please revisit the idea that his unhappiness means his way is right and yours is wrong. I hope he eventually finds happiness in seeing how much relief it brings you to have a set no visitors day - but even if he never gets it, that still doesn't mean your needs are wrong.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:05 PM on March 9, 2020 [17 favorites]
For whatever it's worth, I'm with the folks who say it's not unusual to ask for a regularly-scheduled day to yourself and that you absolutely deserve that time. Moreover, it would drive me nuts to have to "hide" in my room in my own damn house when I needed to recharge, or to not know until the last minute whether a visitor was coming over or not, even IF there were enough space that I didn't have to hear the visitor on the other side of the wall. It's not about whether the visitor expects you to talk to them - it's stressful having others in your home when you just want to enjoy it quietly. Even reading your question stressed me out a bit and I don't think I'm on the "extreme" end of introversion or anything.
More importantly, though: it doesn't really matter how many of us agree or disagree with the idea of a weekly "no visitors" day. This is what YOU need. Asking for what you need is healthy, even if it causes others to have to do something differently. If I'm reading your question correctly, you're even flexible enough to switch your day to Saturday if given notice - and it sounds like you're not at all trying to keep your husband from socializing on your no visitors day ("Sometimes they met up outside the house.").
You are absolutely reasonable in asking your husband to support you in this, even if he doesn't understand the need himself. By supporting you in what you need, by helping you be the best "you" you can be, he would be supporting the family as a unit. I hear that you're unhappy that he's unhappy about having to do things with B somewhere other than your home on Sundays - but please revisit the idea that his unhappiness means his way is right and yours is wrong. I hope he eventually finds happiness in seeing how much relief it brings you to have a set no visitors day - but even if he never gets it, that still doesn't mean your needs are wrong.
posted by DingoMutt at 8:05 PM on March 9, 2020 [17 favorites]
A day without company seems perfectly reasonable to me. A day withdrawn from family life altogether seems like a lot more of--I don't want to say a "problem," perhaps "an emergency coping strategy that shouldn't become the default." It sounds like on that day your husband has to meet all household and parenting needs, and that's a lot to ask. (I know men pull this all the time, and for far more immature, selfish reasons, but that's problematic for a reason.) In your post, these two issues are somewhat conflated; you might benefit from sorting out how much your husband is unhappy because he has to tell his brother not to drop by on Sundays and how much he's unhappy because he has to deal with every problem a young teen has all day long. Ways to address the former are not the same as ways to address the latter.
posted by praemunire at 8:32 PM on March 9, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 8:32 PM on March 9, 2020 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: "because he has to deal with every problem a young teen has all day long"
Husband loled at that. Teen holes up a bit themself that day, and finds it very satisfactory. Sundays are super chill at our home.
Posts like these are really hard without context to balance it out. I can assure you that we care very much about each other's needs and mutually do our best to accommodate them. Neither of us is forcing anything on the other, but it was good to check in with each other on that.
I posted this to help us find a better understanding of each other's view and hopefully find a better compromise. I really appreciate your answers. We had a good conversation and I feel we were able to take some great things from your input.
Husband waves hello to all you MeFites in here, says you all rock, and wants to thank you and express appreciation for all for your opinions.
posted by Eolienne at 9:24 PM on March 9, 2020 [36 favorites]
Husband loled at that. Teen holes up a bit themself that day, and finds it very satisfactory. Sundays are super chill at our home.
Posts like these are really hard without context to balance it out. I can assure you that we care very much about each other's needs and mutually do our best to accommodate them. Neither of us is forcing anything on the other, but it was good to check in with each other on that.
I posted this to help us find a better understanding of each other's view and hopefully find a better compromise. I really appreciate your answers. We had a good conversation and I feel we were able to take some great things from your input.
Husband waves hello to all you MeFites in here, says you all rock, and wants to thank you and express appreciation for all for your opinions.
posted by Eolienne at 9:24 PM on March 9, 2020 [36 favorites]
OP, lot of people don't understand that EXPECTATION is a majority of the battle when it comes to recharge vs. output time. They literally can't get it unless it happens to them, I dunno why. I am glad this thread helped you and your husband talk it over, and I think it's great that you both read the thread. We are all coming at life differently. I always recommend it because it's THE BEST BOOK EVER for relationships but 8 Dates is it. Trust & Commitment and Conflict are the first two which really hashes out the entire ability to talk about the rest.
The important thing I learned about relationships is that we all come at the exact same things so differently based on our experiences. Two people can grow up poor for instance but if one saw his family have to scrape and save they may value saving highly vs. a person who saw their father die young and their family go directly into poverty may think "Live for today. Tomorrow is unsure." Neither is wrong. They came from the same circumstance of poverty but found different lessons. THAT'S FINE! And understanding how and why people are reacting to an event is the first step to you both coming together to find the best solution for your love.
edit: also as an introverted teen, I wondered at a response or two with me thinking "Are you people sure the teen WANTS to talk to anyone on a Sunday?" 'cause... that was prime Castle reading, staring into the middle distance and watching something time. I'd go talk to my parents if I needed something, but... I'm a teen. On a Sunday. But it would be different for a different teen than I was so only you know, and you answered it quite decisively.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 9:36 PM on March 9, 2020 [6 favorites]
The important thing I learned about relationships is that we all come at the exact same things so differently based on our experiences. Two people can grow up poor for instance but if one saw his family have to scrape and save they may value saving highly vs. a person who saw their father die young and their family go directly into poverty may think "Live for today. Tomorrow is unsure." Neither is wrong. They came from the same circumstance of poverty but found different lessons. THAT'S FINE! And understanding how and why people are reacting to an event is the first step to you both coming together to find the best solution for your love.
edit: also as an introverted teen, I wondered at a response or two with me thinking "Are you people sure the teen WANTS to talk to anyone on a Sunday?" 'cause... that was prime Castle reading, staring into the middle distance and watching something time. I'd go talk to my parents if I needed something, but... I'm a teen. On a Sunday. But it would be different for a different teen than I was so only you know, and you answered it quite decisively.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 9:36 PM on March 9, 2020 [6 favorites]
In case it helps, I'm on the other end of this spectrum and I want NO people showing up at my house without notice unless it's an emergency or they need their ball from my back garden. Maybe one weekend day and one weekday evening can be occupied by things that require socialising from me, but those need to be preplanned (or at least "text first and ask") and the rest of the time is for peace and quiet.
Luckily I never had a partner who didn't also want this much downtime. But this is really what I need to stay sane while holding down a full time job.
posted by quacks like a duck at 11:49 PM on March 9, 2020 [6 favorites]
Luckily I never had a partner who didn't also want this much downtime. But this is really what I need to stay sane while holding down a full time job.
posted by quacks like a duck at 11:49 PM on March 9, 2020 [6 favorites]
A tiny logistical suggestion: if your options are Saturday or Sunday, and B is usually available on Sundays, can you make Saturday be the default instead? Then if you have a must-do on Saturday, or an emergency comes up, or B suddenly wants to visit, you have a backup opportunity on Sunday.
It sounds like your husband really values his time with B and perhaps hates saying no to something he himself would be excited about and love to do. Can they set up a regular thing outside of the house instead? I don't know their hobbies but some things I do with friends whose families shouldn't be bothered during their rare hours of rest are go for walks, go out for tea or coffee, go to a park, go to the local game shop and play something, or go to a third friend's house.
posted by Lady Li at 12:15 AM on March 10, 2020 [3 favorites]
It sounds like your husband really values his time with B and perhaps hates saying no to something he himself would be excited about and love to do. Can they set up a regular thing outside of the house instead? I don't know their hobbies but some things I do with friends whose families shouldn't be bothered during their rare hours of rest are go for walks, go out for tea or coffee, go to a park, go to the local game shop and play something, or go to a third friend's house.
posted by Lady Li at 12:15 AM on March 10, 2020 [3 favorites]
Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Nobody comes to my place except by prior arrangement. Everybody knows I don't do drop-ins and they're fine with that.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 1:04 AM on March 10, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 1:04 AM on March 10, 2020 [2 favorites]
Is it B's house? Why does B think it's ok to just show up randomly at a house that is not theirs?
posted by sexyrobot at 2:34 AM on March 10, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by sexyrobot at 2:34 AM on March 10, 2020 [2 favorites]
Yeah, in my opinion there is no way to have a guest over and not impact the other people in the house. I don't understand the people who think your husband should be able to have guests over, whenever he wants, because it's not supposed to affect you. It does! Even if I'm hiding in my room, I need to be dressed to leave to go to the bathroom, or go to the kitchen to get tea and snacks in case we bump into each other. I have to brush my hair, look respectable, I worry about whether the house is a mess. You're not stopping your husband socialising because he can do that outside the house!
Then again, my house is one where people do not just stop by, even though my husband would like to randomly bring people home, because I find it super stressful if people will turn up when I'm painting in my crappy clothes or defrosting the freezer or whatever. His needs to socialise are not more important than my need to not be surprised with people in my space. We compromised.
posted by stillnocturnal at 2:57 AM on March 10, 2020 [16 favorites]
Then again, my house is one where people do not just stop by, even though my husband would like to randomly bring people home, because I find it super stressful if people will turn up when I'm painting in my crappy clothes or defrosting the freezer or whatever. His needs to socialise are not more important than my need to not be surprised with people in my space. We compromised.
posted by stillnocturnal at 2:57 AM on March 10, 2020 [16 favorites]
It's still common enough for people to pop by for a visit just like back in ol' Mt. Pilot, even here in the big city. That part doesn't strike me as unusual.
posted by rhizome at 3:04 AM on March 10, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by rhizome at 3:04 AM on March 10, 2020 [3 favorites]
I’m sorry, but it’s not fair to not only absent yourself from your family once a week, but to also impose restrictions on how they spend their time without you. There are things we all want in our ideal world, and requests that are reasonable, and those two things don’t always overlap.
posted by amro at 4:52 AM on March 10, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by amro at 4:52 AM on March 10, 2020 [4 favorites]
Metafilter as a whole tends to skew very introverted, so I'm not surprised that you're getting a lot of answers to back you up.
I wouldn't say anyone's being unreasonable here, you both seem like lovely people who are trying your best. That said, I'm on your husband's side on this one. People keep saying that you're only asking for "one day out of seven" but that's not really true. If your husband works full-time, he only gets two days a week for this kind of socializing, and you're asking for half of that time.
I don't think it's unreasonable for you not to want to see people - if you need to hermit in the bedroom, that's your choice. But I don't think it's quite fair to extend that prohibition to the entire house. It would be one thing if your husband and/or B were pushing you to leave your room or doing something to give you the impression that staying there wasn't ok. But that impression seems to be something coming entirely from you, so it's not really cool to make everyone else responsible for it. I think the thing to do is work on ways (both internal and external) to be ok with being in your room when B is over, especially since both your husband and B seem totally cool with it.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:39 AM on March 10, 2020 [6 favorites]
I wouldn't say anyone's being unreasonable here, you both seem like lovely people who are trying your best. That said, I'm on your husband's side on this one. People keep saying that you're only asking for "one day out of seven" but that's not really true. If your husband works full-time, he only gets two days a week for this kind of socializing, and you're asking for half of that time.
I don't think it's unreasonable for you not to want to see people - if you need to hermit in the bedroom, that's your choice. But I don't think it's quite fair to extend that prohibition to the entire house. It would be one thing if your husband and/or B were pushing you to leave your room or doing something to give you the impression that staying there wasn't ok. But that impression seems to be something coming entirely from you, so it's not really cool to make everyone else responsible for it. I think the thing to do is work on ways (both internal and external) to be ok with being in your room when B is over, especially since both your husband and B seem totally cool with it.
posted by Ragged Richard at 7:39 AM on March 10, 2020 [6 favorites]
one more thought.
I'm going to assume here that the regular Sunday visitor is your mother in law, coming to visit with her son and grandchild. (Otherwise none of this makes any sense to me -- surely this wouldn't be an issue if it were your husband's buddy Phil coming over to drink beer on your couch.)
Now, if this is the case, it does change the picture. You have more of a familial duty, and also much more of a personal interest, in fostering a warm relationship. (A built-in family babysitter is nothing to sneeze at, even if you haven't used her much yet. You will almost certainly want to in the future.)
So what can you do to compromise? A few things occur to me:
1. Sounds like MIL's schedule makes Sunday the best day for her. So schedule your empty-house day for Saturday. Try if you can to get your husband to take your kid somewhere too, so the house is REALLY empty for a bit and you get maximal decompression value. Try to set up a regular thing. Library run? Costco?
2. Work on your bedroom space to make it comfortable for hanging out in when you want to or have to. Invest in it. I work at the local divorce court and believe me -- any investment you make in the harmony of your home life is MORE than worth it. So: what can you do to make your bedroom a place where you'll be happy to spend private time? A little desk with chair, and a good reading lamp? A shelf unit for your books? A comfy chair, if there's room? A TV? An iPad to watch Netflix? How about a mini fridge in your closet, and some disposable plates/forks, so you can keep your snacks in there and don't need to go out to the kitchen when you're hungry? Re the noise issue: an old phone that still runs well enough for a white noise app; or a white noise machine?
3. Predictability. Pick a day for visitors. If it has to be Sunday, so be it, but make sure everyone knows when it is. MIL can look forward to her day and you can look forward to yours, and nobody needs to be stressed wondering what's going to happen. If your compromise is granting more access to your home than you'd ideally like, then her and your husband's can be doing it on a schedule. ("We want to set up a regular day for visiting so we can plan our weekends in advance" also sounds less potentially hurtful than "we need to make sure you're not here Saturday.")
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:22 AM on March 10, 2020 [1 favorite]
I'm going to assume here that the regular Sunday visitor is your mother in law, coming to visit with her son and grandchild. (Otherwise none of this makes any sense to me -- surely this wouldn't be an issue if it were your husband's buddy Phil coming over to drink beer on your couch.)
Now, if this is the case, it does change the picture. You have more of a familial duty, and also much more of a personal interest, in fostering a warm relationship. (A built-in family babysitter is nothing to sneeze at, even if you haven't used her much yet. You will almost certainly want to in the future.)
So what can you do to compromise? A few things occur to me:
1. Sounds like MIL's schedule makes Sunday the best day for her. So schedule your empty-house day for Saturday. Try if you can to get your husband to take your kid somewhere too, so the house is REALLY empty for a bit and you get maximal decompression value. Try to set up a regular thing. Library run? Costco?
2. Work on your bedroom space to make it comfortable for hanging out in when you want to or have to. Invest in it. I work at the local divorce court and believe me -- any investment you make in the harmony of your home life is MORE than worth it. So: what can you do to make your bedroom a place where you'll be happy to spend private time? A little desk with chair, and a good reading lamp? A shelf unit for your books? A comfy chair, if there's room? A TV? An iPad to watch Netflix? How about a mini fridge in your closet, and some disposable plates/forks, so you can keep your snacks in there and don't need to go out to the kitchen when you're hungry? Re the noise issue: an old phone that still runs well enough for a white noise app; or a white noise machine?
3. Predictability. Pick a day for visitors. If it has to be Sunday, so be it, but make sure everyone knows when it is. MIL can look forward to her day and you can look forward to yours, and nobody needs to be stressed wondering what's going to happen. If your compromise is granting more access to your home than you'd ideally like, then her and your husband's can be doing it on a schedule. ("We want to set up a regular day for visiting so we can plan our weekends in advance" also sounds less potentially hurtful than "we need to make sure you're not here Saturday.")
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:22 AM on March 10, 2020 [1 favorite]
I'm the extrovert in a similar relationship.
1. Frequency of visits. I actually think the "pick a weekend day before 9 am on Saturday" model is a decent to good one. As the person who continually explains to family and friends "my husband doesn't dislike you, he just needs A LOT of time to recharge on his own," I just want to say this is doable and fine, and part of your family's opportunity in life to support you. So I'd just make that rule for 6 months and see where it gets you. If you have outdoor space maybe this will ease up in the spring as people can have drinks on the porch?
2. Hermit lifestyle + reciprocity. In my family, 1/2 a weekend forever would be an ETERNITY and nothing like 1/7 days. Weekends are when the heavy family lifting is done and for me it's super important that we are a team in that. My kids are younger than yours though, sounds like.
But if my husband were inaccessible every single Sunday that would be a big issue for me. Instead, he gets sort of Saturday evening to Sunday noon, and then picks a few more introvert-style things to do and does those with the kids (sitting quietly while they do their homework, as one example.) I also get guaranteed extrovert time - one nice thing about being married to an introvert is they are often home to do childcare. :) It does help us that our home is bigger.
I'd encourage you to see what you can tweak so that you can ease up a bit on the complete one-day-down. If you can't, you can't. But I think that's your end of the stick, so to speak. It might be that long-term you look for space that works better for you.
3. General burnout. My husband goes on a silent retreat 2-ish times a year, and he also meditates and a few other things that have helped him be an introvert in an extroverted world. I support all these things, financially and with my time. But I also support them because he needed to find ways to address his needs that did not leave me as SOLE BUFFER between him and his life. That was too much, especially when our kids were a lot younger.
I highly recommend Susan Cain's Quiet as a resource for talking about these things.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:06 AM on March 10, 2020 [2 favorites]
1. Frequency of visits. I actually think the "pick a weekend day before 9 am on Saturday" model is a decent to good one. As the person who continually explains to family and friends "my husband doesn't dislike you, he just needs A LOT of time to recharge on his own," I just want to say this is doable and fine, and part of your family's opportunity in life to support you. So I'd just make that rule for 6 months and see where it gets you. If you have outdoor space maybe this will ease up in the spring as people can have drinks on the porch?
2. Hermit lifestyle + reciprocity. In my family, 1/2 a weekend forever would be an ETERNITY and nothing like 1/7 days. Weekends are when the heavy family lifting is done and for me it's super important that we are a team in that. My kids are younger than yours though, sounds like.
But if my husband were inaccessible every single Sunday that would be a big issue for me. Instead, he gets sort of Saturday evening to Sunday noon, and then picks a few more introvert-style things to do and does those with the kids (sitting quietly while they do their homework, as one example.) I also get guaranteed extrovert time - one nice thing about being married to an introvert is they are often home to do childcare. :) It does help us that our home is bigger.
I'd encourage you to see what you can tweak so that you can ease up a bit on the complete one-day-down. If you can't, you can't. But I think that's your end of the stick, so to speak. It might be that long-term you look for space that works better for you.
3. General burnout. My husband goes on a silent retreat 2-ish times a year, and he also meditates and a few other things that have helped him be an introvert in an extroverted world. I support all these things, financially and with my time. But I also support them because he needed to find ways to address his needs that did not leave me as SOLE BUFFER between him and his life. That was too much, especially when our kids were a lot younger.
I highly recommend Susan Cain's Quiet as a resource for talking about these things.
posted by warriorqueen at 9:06 AM on March 10, 2020 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: A couple of people were speculating and it does change the tenor of the situation, so: Husband's mom is not involved.
We found a good solution for both of us, using a combo of your suggestions and some problem-solving of our own aided by better understanding. I'm working to find ways to fill the tank a little and shift things around to work more effectively, rather than harder. Thank you for the book recommendations.
For those of you able and strong in both body and mind and able to be On at all times, regardless of what is going down, that's a happy thing. I am not, but I'm hearing that even "normal," everyday people think a day alone is not unreasonable. It's a hell of a thing to imagine a shame that could ease up just a bit.
I do a massive amount of emotional labor through the week, including taking on the bulk of admin (a lot, in our circumstance) and dealing with a low-level crisis that is threatening to blow up again. Perfectly phrased above: 'heavy family lifting' days here are the weekdays. I am breaking myself trying to do more.
I cannot and should not completely subsume myself.
posted by Eolienne at 10:24 AM on March 10, 2020 [24 favorites]
We found a good solution for both of us, using a combo of your suggestions and some problem-solving of our own aided by better understanding. I'm working to find ways to fill the tank a little and shift things around to work more effectively, rather than harder. Thank you for the book recommendations.
For those of you able and strong in both body and mind and able to be On at all times, regardless of what is going down, that's a happy thing. I am not, but I'm hearing that even "normal," everyday people think a day alone is not unreasonable. It's a hell of a thing to imagine a shame that could ease up just a bit.
I do a massive amount of emotional labor through the week, including taking on the bulk of admin (a lot, in our circumstance) and dealing with a low-level crisis that is threatening to blow up again. Perfectly phrased above: 'heavy family lifting' days here are the weekdays. I am breaking myself trying to do more.
I cannot and should not completely subsume myself.
posted by Eolienne at 10:24 AM on March 10, 2020 [24 favorites]
Your position is SO reasonable.
I believe you that your husband is a great guy, and that while this is true, he could do more to get Team You-both to a happy resolution on this. I was getting very frustrated last year that it seemed my husband was being called upon weekly to go over to his parents' place (who had recently started spending much more time in our city) for some random small home repair or errand that in no way *actually* required him.
What solved it for me was the realization that these tasks were just excuses to see him because they love him. Now he has made a habit of reaching out to plan a visit to their house at a time that's convenient for me (usually taking the kids even!) this has actually turned into something like a blessing not an annoyance. B loves to have some family time on Sundays? Great! your husband can plan activities with B for Sundays that happen outside your house. Rather than waiting for B to make a gameday decision, it is well within your husband's power to make plans in advance, creating a situation that is agreeable to all.
posted by dotparker at 10:51 AM on March 10, 2020 [7 favorites]
I believe you that your husband is a great guy, and that while this is true, he could do more to get Team You-both to a happy resolution on this. I was getting very frustrated last year that it seemed my husband was being called upon weekly to go over to his parents' place (who had recently started spending much more time in our city) for some random small home repair or errand that in no way *actually* required him.
What solved it for me was the realization that these tasks were just excuses to see him because they love him. Now he has made a habit of reaching out to plan a visit to their house at a time that's convenient for me (usually taking the kids even!) this has actually turned into something like a blessing not an annoyance. B loves to have some family time on Sundays? Great! your husband can plan activities with B for Sundays that happen outside your house. Rather than waiting for B to make a gameday decision, it is well within your husband's power to make plans in advance, creating a situation that is agreeable to all.
posted by dotparker at 10:51 AM on March 10, 2020 [7 favorites]
I think you and your husband need to come to agreement that your house has a strict “no pop ins” rule.
If this B person who can’t seem to stay away needs to visit, they can call a couple of days in advance and set up a appointment/playdate with your husband. And it would be best to steer this B person away from thinking of your home as the default place to meet—maybe they can find a cool coffee shop or something as their “home base”.
And unless I honestly enjoyed spending time with B, I would also want to let B know that “generally, our weekends are our own”.
I would find it very stressful to never feel like my time/home was my own when there was always the looming possibility of an interrupting “guest” popping in at any moment with the expectation that I had to entertain them. This is why people have to pay babysitters.
Just as our bodies require sleep, we also need (and deserve) reliable, uninterrupted, restful, ”no stress” time (and no threats of “pop in” stress) to recharge our batteries.
Your house is not (nor should it be) some sort of 24/7 drop-in adult daycare for people who have no other plans.
You deserve to be healthy and feel emotionally safe and comfortable in your home.
posted by blueberry at 7:58 PM on March 10, 2020 [4 favorites]
If this B person who can’t seem to stay away needs to visit, they can call a couple of days in advance and set up a appointment/playdate with your husband. And it would be best to steer this B person away from thinking of your home as the default place to meet—maybe they can find a cool coffee shop or something as their “home base”.
And unless I honestly enjoyed spending time with B, I would also want to let B know that “generally, our weekends are our own”.
I would find it very stressful to never feel like my time/home was my own when there was always the looming possibility of an interrupting “guest” popping in at any moment with the expectation that I had to entertain them. This is why people have to pay babysitters.
Just as our bodies require sleep, we also need (and deserve) reliable, uninterrupted, restful, ”no stress” time (and no threats of “pop in” stress) to recharge our batteries.
Your house is not (nor should it be) some sort of 24/7 drop-in adult daycare for people who have no other plans.
You deserve to be healthy and feel emotionally safe and comfortable in your home.
posted by blueberry at 7:58 PM on March 10, 2020 [4 favorites]
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My suspicion is that husband isn't thrilled about it because it puts a lot of responsibility on him, however, that responsibilitity is part and parcel of being a parent and it's okay to give him that time/responsibility.
posted by corb at 1:40 PM on March 9, 2020 [50 favorites]