How to gracefully quit my job? (If at all?)
March 7, 2020 10:48 PM Subscribe
I am planning to quit my job on Monday (with 3 week notice), but I’m currently the lone person in charge of a program in which many students and families are involved, among other programming. I imagine if I quit, the responsibilities will fall on my already overburdened coworkers’ shoulders. I feel like it is the right decision, but I sometimes I wonder if I’m being selfish, or if it’ll screw over the organization and the students and parents who are part of my program. If I quit, what is the best way to do it to preserve the relationships I have with my boss and coworkers? And is it even right / professional for me to quit at all?
I’ve been working at a small youth non-profit for the past 8 months since graduating college. Since I started, I’ve struggled with feeling like I’ve been given more responsibility than I can handle (given that there is not enough staff to support), feeling out of my depth/incompetent at the tasks I’m doing (lacking the experience/training/skills to do well), and also just anxiety surrounding trying (and often failing) to meet various people’s expectations (whether it’s school administration’s, parents’, kids’). These challenges have particularly centered around one school year long program I lead. The stress has often permeated my non-work life, making me lose hours of sleep and not infrequently feeling dejected. I want to do something less stressful and which I can feel more successful in (sometimes I feel like I’m not actually making a positive impact).
For about a month or two, I’ve been thinking of quitting after the school year ends in June so that my programs can end. However, recently I have been wanting to end sooner so I can audit classes in the spring, work part time for a bit, and end the stress earlier. I want to try to make my life a little better and more aligned with what I want, even if it means taking risks (and of course, it’s a privilege that I’m able to have the option to quit my job in the first place). I’m trying to learn to put my needs first, and I know if I stay at the organization as long as they need me, I might never leave.
But I am very afraid of the impact me quitting will have on my coworkers and the organization as a whole, and this fear has made me wonder if this is the right decision - especially since there is not an urgent medical/health/family issue that would require me to have to quit now vs later when the program ends. Sometimes I find myself not wanting to quit because I fear the fall out more than I feel the stress of continuing to work there. I feel worried I’m being selfish and feel guilty because of it. I don’t want them to get additional stress because of me, but I know that would probably be inevitable (especially because I highly doubt they would be able to hire someone to replace me in three weeks). And of course, because I like my coworkers, I also don’t want them to resent me (though I’m sure they care about my wellbeing), and I want to end on good terms with my supervisor.
If I do end up quitting, I would of course do my best to determine the next steps for the program and finish up the projects I am able to, but part of me just wishes that one particular program I lead would just be able to end prematurely and without drama so that it wouldn’t fall on others’. But I know that because students and families are involved, such a thing would be messy and reflect poorly on the organization.
Any advice for how to most gracefully handle a situation like this? I’ve never quit a job before, so I don’t really know what’s normal and acceptable (beyond telling my boss and writing a resignation letter, which I’ve already done). But I’m having a lot of anxiety surrounding telling my supervisor I want to resign, I’m worried that she’ll want me to stay/try to push back/get mad, and I want to know how best to deal with that anxiety and the situation in general. Thanks for reading, and any thoughts are appreciated!
I’ve been working at a small youth non-profit for the past 8 months since graduating college. Since I started, I’ve struggled with feeling like I’ve been given more responsibility than I can handle (given that there is not enough staff to support), feeling out of my depth/incompetent at the tasks I’m doing (lacking the experience/training/skills to do well), and also just anxiety surrounding trying (and often failing) to meet various people’s expectations (whether it’s school administration’s, parents’, kids’). These challenges have particularly centered around one school year long program I lead. The stress has often permeated my non-work life, making me lose hours of sleep and not infrequently feeling dejected. I want to do something less stressful and which I can feel more successful in (sometimes I feel like I’m not actually making a positive impact).
For about a month or two, I’ve been thinking of quitting after the school year ends in June so that my programs can end. However, recently I have been wanting to end sooner so I can audit classes in the spring, work part time for a bit, and end the stress earlier. I want to try to make my life a little better and more aligned with what I want, even if it means taking risks (and of course, it’s a privilege that I’m able to have the option to quit my job in the first place). I’m trying to learn to put my needs first, and I know if I stay at the organization as long as they need me, I might never leave.
But I am very afraid of the impact me quitting will have on my coworkers and the organization as a whole, and this fear has made me wonder if this is the right decision - especially since there is not an urgent medical/health/family issue that would require me to have to quit now vs later when the program ends. Sometimes I find myself not wanting to quit because I fear the fall out more than I feel the stress of continuing to work there. I feel worried I’m being selfish and feel guilty because of it. I don’t want them to get additional stress because of me, but I know that would probably be inevitable (especially because I highly doubt they would be able to hire someone to replace me in three weeks). And of course, because I like my coworkers, I also don’t want them to resent me (though I’m sure they care about my wellbeing), and I want to end on good terms with my supervisor.
If I do end up quitting, I would of course do my best to determine the next steps for the program and finish up the projects I am able to, but part of me just wishes that one particular program I lead would just be able to end prematurely and without drama so that it wouldn’t fall on others’. But I know that because students and families are involved, such a thing would be messy and reflect poorly on the organization.
Any advice for how to most gracefully handle a situation like this? I’ve never quit a job before, so I don’t really know what’s normal and acceptable (beyond telling my boss and writing a resignation letter, which I’ve already done). But I’m having a lot of anxiety surrounding telling my supervisor I want to resign, I’m worried that she’ll want me to stay/try to push back/get mad, and I want to know how best to deal with that anxiety and the situation in general. Thanks for reading, and any thoughts are appreciated!
Nope!!
This is a classic feeling in non profit or services type jobs.
It is not your fault the org is constantly overstretched and underfunded.
It is always a boss's responsibility to figure out how to not fall into shambles if an employee gives reasonable notice.
Most of them aren't very good at it.
posted by nakedmolerats at 11:04 PM on March 7, 2020 [36 favorites]
This is a classic feeling in non profit or services type jobs.
It is not your fault the org is constantly overstretched and underfunded.
It is always a boss's responsibility to figure out how to not fall into shambles if an employee gives reasonable notice.
Most of them aren't very good at it.
posted by nakedmolerats at 11:04 PM on March 7, 2020 [36 favorites]
Any advice for how to most gracefully handle a situation like this? [...] (beyond telling my boss and writing a resignation letter, which I’ve already done).
You are done once you tell your boss/supervisor. Congratulations!
One thing to consider is that any organization that is completely dependent on one person has already failed. People leave for a large number of reasons - they retire, they get sick, they move, and sometimes they quit. Hence, one of the foremost goals for organizations is to ensure the organization is not dependent on a single person. You are already giving them the ideal exit. You are giving them more notice than you need and you are planning a graceful exit with a concerted effort for a clean handoff. However, you are not individually and solely responsible for the success of your organization - especially as a new graduate only 8 months out of college.
If your coworkers suffer or if programs fail because of you leaving, then the key point is that you did not fail, your organization failed at effective management. It may be that the most important thing that happens when you leave is that the problems that are inherent in your organization are identified. If so, then you've done the organization and its customers a favor.
posted by saeculorum at 11:06 PM on March 7, 2020 [35 favorites]
You are done once you tell your boss/supervisor. Congratulations!
One thing to consider is that any organization that is completely dependent on one person has already failed. People leave for a large number of reasons - they retire, they get sick, they move, and sometimes they quit. Hence, one of the foremost goals for organizations is to ensure the organization is not dependent on a single person. You are already giving them the ideal exit. You are giving them more notice than you need and you are planning a graceful exit with a concerted effort for a clean handoff. However, you are not individually and solely responsible for the success of your organization - especially as a new graduate only 8 months out of college.
If your coworkers suffer or if programs fail because of you leaving, then the key point is that you did not fail, your organization failed at effective management. It may be that the most important thing that happens when you leave is that the problems that are inherent in your organization are identified. If so, then you've done the organization and its customers a favor.
posted by saeculorum at 11:06 PM on March 7, 2020 [35 favorites]
‘Quitters remorse’ is absolutely a fake idea and it is one of the ways organisations like yours get people to work in conditions that wouldn’t pass muster in other sectors. Leaving jobs is part of every workplace and a completely ordinary thing to do.
All you need to do to do it right is brief your coworkers about what you’re doing to manage the shift, what they need to do to support your replacement, then give your replacement a great handover.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 11:08 PM on March 7, 2020 [10 favorites]
All you need to do to do it right is brief your coworkers about what you’re doing to manage the shift, what they need to do to support your replacement, then give your replacement a great handover.
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 11:08 PM on March 7, 2020 [10 favorites]
I've been there. I quit my first job out of college because I was unsupported. Walked in one day and gave notice. I also had untreated depression and health insurance that I didn't use. What I needed was mentoring, some therapy, some meds, and a reduced work load. I would strongly suggest not quitting, especially since you have June as a clear end date. I don't see why you would stay forever. Book some classes for the summer session and learn some coping skills now so quitting doesn't become a habit.
posted by perdhapley at 3:40 AM on March 8, 2020
posted by perdhapley at 3:40 AM on March 8, 2020
I see a couple of things going on here for you to think about.
1. It sounds like you've let this stress pile up without any conversations with your manager. Step 1 is to go to your manager and explain that your workload/expectations are causing you stress. Quantify this as much as possible, outlining what the job expectations for this position are, what you've been doing (or expected to do) that's over and above that, and if you think the expectations are unrealistic, where those issues are. Think about some solutions that would make it possible for you to do the job with less stress. Is it that you need some addiitonal hands-on assistants? Parts of the day or week that someone else could take on? More planning time? A different schedule structure? Ideally this conversation would have happened some time ago, before you got to the burnout point. But since you're there, set it up this week and go in with some thoughts already outlined so you can describe what you're experiencing and ask what the manager can do.
2. If (as is likely) the manager says something on the order of "I hear you, but we can't change the structure right now/I have no resources to do what you need," then you've done your due diligence. And if nothing changes, you've indicated you feel you can't continue so the boss is on notice. You can then give your notice with a completely clear conscience. It's harder to feel okay about that if you haven't had this discussion and been a proactive agent in your own career by describing the problems you see and whether your requirements for this role are met.
3. You are just out of college, sounds like first major job. And you should take some time to look at your boundaries at work. When you say "I’ve struggled with... feeling out of my depth/incompetent at the tasks I’m doing (lacking the experience/training/skills to do well), and also just anxiety surrounding trying (and often failing) to meet various people’s expectations,"and call yourself "Selfish" for wanting to manage your career, you're highlighting a couple of issues around your personal approach to work that are not about the job itself. As you move toward your next position, you could take some time to do some work on your personal boundaries, including things like imposter syndrome, being afraid to ask for help/be a novice/get coaching, feeling overwhelmed by the expectations of others, etc. Those things can just continue dogging you into your next job, next, and next until you start to work on them. Just about every workplace, to some extent, is exploitive in that organizations will extract as much out of people as they are willing to offer. Without internal boundaries on what's a reasonable standard of work, you can end up in an approval-seeking cycle where you try to do more and more and better and better and take on much too much, and then get burned out and/or drop balls and fail, which causes negative responses, which fuels the approval-seeking more. If you take some time to work on boundaries, assertiveness, and internal sources of self-worth, you will more easily be able to judge when you've done enough and when you should really be receiving more support from the structure.
4. It's not a great idea to quit a job without something else lined up. The suggestion of discussing with your manager whether there is a part-time role you could step to that will let you start classes is a good one.
5. Stop worrying about your co-workers, your clients, your manager and what they will do without you. That's their problem. You'll leave, things will reformat, new people will enter, the organization will subtly shift, and life goes on.THey'll figure it out. You're not letting anyone down - it's not a religious vocation, it's paid employment, and it's up to the organization to figure out how to manage in the interim and how to move forward. If your coworkers feel overburdened, well, they have the same choices that you do. Perhaps think about how asserting your boundaries and choosing a healthier relationship with work could have a positive ripple effect on them. Sometimes people stay in these positions and continue to be miserable just because they have never realized they are in charge of their own work lives - seeing someone else say "no thanks" or "I need a different arrangement" can be an empowering model for them. Anyway, you're just not responsible for them - you're only responsible for you. As for letting the students down, listen, you being there miserable and burned out is probably not making the kind of difference you had all hoped either. It's laudable that you care about your impact but it's likely that your moving on or changing roles will not critically impact anyone's life outcomes.
5. As for making it go smoothly: if you decide to give notice, offer to create a transition plan. This has been very well received when I've done it. Outline/document your major responsibilities. Identify someone who you'll delegate to take on the things that can't wait for a new hiring cycle. Describe where all your stuff on the network system is and where your important files are. This shows a concern for those who will take things up after you leave, reflects well on your organizational and collaboration skills, and will help you process and reflect on the job. Finally, leave your boss with a list (1 page) of major recommendations - things you've seen that could be improved, skills particularly important for the next hire, etc. Doing this fulfills your hope of "gracefully" exiting your job.
Good luck. It's normal to take a little time as you get your career started trying out some different settings and developing a sense for how things run. This organization is clearly running on fumes, and that's gotta be hard for everyone. But it'll never get healthier if people inside it don't start insisting on boundaries, structures, and resources they need. So don't be ashamed of taking that step. And in the meantime, work on how you can recognize the trouble signs when you're getting burned out, and in the future, start communicating about that earlier with your manager, so you don't come to a breaking point without some interchange to try to fix issues. If you have a chance, let us know how it goes!
posted by Miko at 6:18 AM on March 8, 2020 [15 favorites]
1. It sounds like you've let this stress pile up without any conversations with your manager. Step 1 is to go to your manager and explain that your workload/expectations are causing you stress. Quantify this as much as possible, outlining what the job expectations for this position are, what you've been doing (or expected to do) that's over and above that, and if you think the expectations are unrealistic, where those issues are. Think about some solutions that would make it possible for you to do the job with less stress. Is it that you need some addiitonal hands-on assistants? Parts of the day or week that someone else could take on? More planning time? A different schedule structure? Ideally this conversation would have happened some time ago, before you got to the burnout point. But since you're there, set it up this week and go in with some thoughts already outlined so you can describe what you're experiencing and ask what the manager can do.
2. If (as is likely) the manager says something on the order of "I hear you, but we can't change the structure right now/I have no resources to do what you need," then you've done your due diligence. And if nothing changes, you've indicated you feel you can't continue so the boss is on notice. You can then give your notice with a completely clear conscience. It's harder to feel okay about that if you haven't had this discussion and been a proactive agent in your own career by describing the problems you see and whether your requirements for this role are met.
3. You are just out of college, sounds like first major job. And you should take some time to look at your boundaries at work. When you say "I’ve struggled with... feeling out of my depth/incompetent at the tasks I’m doing (lacking the experience/training/skills to do well), and also just anxiety surrounding trying (and often failing) to meet various people’s expectations,"and call yourself "Selfish" for wanting to manage your career, you're highlighting a couple of issues around your personal approach to work that are not about the job itself. As you move toward your next position, you could take some time to do some work on your personal boundaries, including things like imposter syndrome, being afraid to ask for help/be a novice/get coaching, feeling overwhelmed by the expectations of others, etc. Those things can just continue dogging you into your next job, next, and next until you start to work on them. Just about every workplace, to some extent, is exploitive in that organizations will extract as much out of people as they are willing to offer. Without internal boundaries on what's a reasonable standard of work, you can end up in an approval-seeking cycle where you try to do more and more and better and better and take on much too much, and then get burned out and/or drop balls and fail, which causes negative responses, which fuels the approval-seeking more. If you take some time to work on boundaries, assertiveness, and internal sources of self-worth, you will more easily be able to judge when you've done enough and when you should really be receiving more support from the structure.
4. It's not a great idea to quit a job without something else lined up. The suggestion of discussing with your manager whether there is a part-time role you could step to that will let you start classes is a good one.
5. Stop worrying about your co-workers, your clients, your manager and what they will do without you. That's their problem. You'll leave, things will reformat, new people will enter, the organization will subtly shift, and life goes on.THey'll figure it out. You're not letting anyone down - it's not a religious vocation, it's paid employment, and it's up to the organization to figure out how to manage in the interim and how to move forward. If your coworkers feel overburdened, well, they have the same choices that you do. Perhaps think about how asserting your boundaries and choosing a healthier relationship with work could have a positive ripple effect on them. Sometimes people stay in these positions and continue to be miserable just because they have never realized they are in charge of their own work lives - seeing someone else say "no thanks" or "I need a different arrangement" can be an empowering model for them. Anyway, you're just not responsible for them - you're only responsible for you. As for letting the students down, listen, you being there miserable and burned out is probably not making the kind of difference you had all hoped either. It's laudable that you care about your impact but it's likely that your moving on or changing roles will not critically impact anyone's life outcomes.
5. As for making it go smoothly: if you decide to give notice, offer to create a transition plan. This has been very well received when I've done it. Outline/document your major responsibilities. Identify someone who you'll delegate to take on the things that can't wait for a new hiring cycle. Describe where all your stuff on the network system is and where your important files are. This shows a concern for those who will take things up after you leave, reflects well on your organizational and collaboration skills, and will help you process and reflect on the job. Finally, leave your boss with a list (1 page) of major recommendations - things you've seen that could be improved, skills particularly important for the next hire, etc. Doing this fulfills your hope of "gracefully" exiting your job.
Good luck. It's normal to take a little time as you get your career started trying out some different settings and developing a sense for how things run. This organization is clearly running on fumes, and that's gotta be hard for everyone. But it'll never get healthier if people inside it don't start insisting on boundaries, structures, and resources they need. So don't be ashamed of taking that step. And in the meantime, work on how you can recognize the trouble signs when you're getting burned out, and in the future, start communicating about that earlier with your manager, so you don't come to a breaking point without some interchange to try to fix issues. If you have a chance, let us know how it goes!
posted by Miko at 6:18 AM on March 8, 2020 [15 favorites]
First job out of college, and you're walking away because the conditions suck? Well done you! Give yourself some points!
It takes years of suffering before some people learn to avoid becoming trapped in sick systems.
posted by flabdablet at 6:49 AM on March 8, 2020 [9 favorites]
It takes years of suffering before some people learn to avoid becoming trapped in sick systems.
posted by flabdablet at 6:49 AM on March 8, 2020 [9 favorites]
Professionals quit their jobs all the time. There is absolutely nothing unprofessional or wrong in quitting a job, although there are good and bad ways to do it.
Give notice; leave clear information about the status of ongoing projects, wrap up what you can and then leave your current job with a clear conscience. Have sincere goodye conversations with valued colleague.
Fears about problems when you leave a job is the definition of "failure to plan on your part is not an emergency on my part". People ask AskAManager variations of this question all the time and her response is always "no, you're not a bad person / poor employee / unprofessional boob / quitter for resigning". And then she outlines ways to be good at leaving your job, including (as you've already identified) giving notice and leaving your work in good shape with clear information about how to pick up where you've left it off.
posted by crush at 8:45 AM on March 8, 2020 [3 favorites]
Give notice; leave clear information about the status of ongoing projects, wrap up what you can and then leave your current job with a clear conscience. Have sincere goodye conversations with valued colleague.
Fears about problems when you leave a job is the definition of "failure to plan on your part is not an emergency on my part". People ask AskAManager variations of this question all the time and her response is always "no, you're not a bad person / poor employee / unprofessional boob / quitter for resigning". And then she outlines ways to be good at leaving your job, including (as you've already identified) giving notice and leaving your work in good shape with clear information about how to pick up where you've left it off.
posted by crush at 8:45 AM on March 8, 2020 [3 favorites]
There is nothing wrong with quitting your job in general. In your specific case, it might hurt your references if you leave in the middle of the program, and it is, as people note, harder to get a job if you don't have a job. Also, bear in mind that you don't get to do this regularly -- a bunch of short (less than a year) stints looks like there's something wrong with you as an employee (unless they are contracts that are meant to be short, or you, eg, go back to school right after) -- so you have to be careful when you choose your next jobs.
I'm not trying to talk you out of quitting this job, either now or in June, but there are possible negative consequences for you and your career, and you should balance those with the reasons you want to leave.
posted by jeather at 10:35 AM on March 8, 2020 [2 favorites]
I'm not trying to talk you out of quitting this job, either now or in June, but there are possible negative consequences for you and your career, and you should balance those with the reasons you want to leave.
posted by jeather at 10:35 AM on March 8, 2020 [2 favorites]
Best answer: If an organisation made up of professionals with decades of work between them is reliant on a fresh out of college grad with a few months experience to keep them afloat, they have much bigger problems than you leaving. They have no right putting so much pressure and expectations on you. Go and know that it’s the right thing to do, for you and for them. Maybe if you walk out the door, it’ll show them that it you don’t treat staff better, they won’t stick around. I doubt it though.
posted by Jubey at 3:51 PM on March 8, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 3:51 PM on March 8, 2020 [2 favorites]
No one is indispensable.
It's business, it's not personal.
Don't burn bridges. Don't bad mouth any issues, now or later. Be the employee that you want to hire.
Good luck.
posted by TrishaU at 4:13 PM on March 8, 2020 [3 favorites]
It's business, it's not personal.
Don't burn bridges. Don't bad mouth any issues, now or later. Be the employee that you want to hire.
Good luck.
posted by TrishaU at 4:13 PM on March 8, 2020 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks everyone for the helpful responses and insights! I definitely think I should have voiced my issues earlier - I know that I'm pretty bad at voicing my needs, so I need to work on that, and I know that I could have made things better for everyone involved if I had asked for more support earlier on rather than letting things get to this point.
I wanted to share an update:
I ended up telling my supervisor today that I wanted to resign at the end of the month. She was pretty taken aback and upset (saying that I should've said something earlier, it would be really hard for the organization, it was incredibly unfair to my coworkers, and that I was doing a disservice to the students), and I'm not sure how to feel about everything. She mentioned that she takes verbal contracts seriously (that is, for me working for a year), and she asked me to consider staying until the beginning of June. She recognized that she doesn't know what I've been going through and is trying to be respectful of that, and also offered asking a coworker to help reduce the load.
On one hand, I see her points and feel pretty bad and guilty (though part of me feels like it's not my responsibility if my coworkers get more work or what happens to the students who are being served through the program I lead, part of me feels like it is my responsibility? and that I've being inconsiderate/selfish), and on the other hand, I feel like I was trying to make it clear that I wanted to be as helpful as I can before leaving. I told her I'd decide by Friday what I wanted to do.
posted by Eleutheramina at 2:24 PM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
I wanted to share an update:
I ended up telling my supervisor today that I wanted to resign at the end of the month. She was pretty taken aback and upset (saying that I should've said something earlier, it would be really hard for the organization, it was incredibly unfair to my coworkers, and that I was doing a disservice to the students), and I'm not sure how to feel about everything. She mentioned that she takes verbal contracts seriously (that is, for me working for a year), and she asked me to consider staying until the beginning of June. She recognized that she doesn't know what I've been going through and is trying to be respectful of that, and also offered asking a coworker to help reduce the load.
On one hand, I see her points and feel pretty bad and guilty (though part of me feels like it's not my responsibility if my coworkers get more work or what happens to the students who are being served through the program I lead, part of me feels like it is my responsibility? and that I've being inconsiderate/selfish), and on the other hand, I feel like I was trying to make it clear that I wanted to be as helpful as I can before leaving. I told her I'd decide by Friday what I wanted to do.
posted by Eleutheramina at 2:24 PM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
Speaking as someone who is always left behind when everyone else quits, and is left to drown in more workload: GET OUT, SAVE YOURSELF. You can't help your coworkers and if you're deteriorating and have the option to leave, then leave. I always say to everyone when they leave, "happy for you, sad for me." Yes, it will suck for them. BUT YOU GOTTA LEAVE ANYWAY. This lady is guilting you.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:04 PM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:04 PM on March 9, 2020 [1 favorite]
Look, they didn’t train you or give you enough support and already recognised that you were failing at aspects of the role (no doubt due to these points) yet still failed to give you support. Now when it’s too late, all of a sudden they have someone who can help you.
Basically they could have helped you all along to succeed in the role without having an nervous breakdown, they just didn’t give a damn about you enough to bother. So think of that when your boss tries to lay a guilt trip on you about leaving. Someone can only make you feel guilty with your permission. Don’t give it to them. Take at least a week off, go somewhere warm and drink beer and forget that place ever existed.
posted by Jubey at 1:11 AM on March 10, 2020 [2 favorites]
Basically they could have helped you all along to succeed in the role without having an nervous breakdown, they just didn’t give a damn about you enough to bother. So think of that when your boss tries to lay a guilt trip on you about leaving. Someone can only make you feel guilty with your permission. Don’t give it to them. Take at least a week off, go somewhere warm and drink beer and forget that place ever existed.
posted by Jubey at 1:11 AM on March 10, 2020 [2 favorites]
From your update:
I ended up telling my supervisor today that I wanted to resign at the end of the month. She was pretty taken aback and upset
By itself, not a problem. But:
(saying that I should've said something earlier
It would have been better had you spoken up a few months in. And this is on her for failing to provide adequate guidance to someone brand new to the organization, and maybe to non-profits and the working world in general.
it would be really hard for the organization
Playing the guilt card! Classic.
it was incredibly unfair to my coworkers
Doubling down! Nice.
and that I was doing a disservice to the students
Triple play! Awesome.
and I'm not sure how to feel about everything
So her performance art piece had its intended effect.
She mentioned that she takes verbal contracts seriously (that is, for me working for a year)
More guilt.
and she asked me to consider staying until the beginning of June. She recognized that she doesn't know what I've been going through and is trying to be respectful of that, and also offered asking a coworker to help reduce the load.
Ok, so. You're a new graduate, probably with no real professional work experience, and you're eager to prove yourself, so you're throwing yourself into this job. You ran into some difficulty, and you were probably told "I know it's tough, but you'll adjust to it, and this is important work that we're doing and we really need you". The bullshit kept piling up, and it eventually became unsustainable for you. You told your boss, and she was blindsided. She thought you were a believer and you cared about the mission! Now she's going to have to scramble, and The Kids are going to suffer! So she'll bring in another coworker to take some of the load off of you, but only if it's what you really want. You jerk.
Now, here's what I see through a lens of a lifetime working for managers all across the spectrum. They hired a recent college grad because you'll work for a shitty wage and put in unpaid overtime and believe that you alone are responsible for the success or failure of the org, and you'll take it personally. You worked out exactly as they expected, so they didn't have to manage anything else in the org. Now you're threatening to jump ship, so rather than do the work that she should have done long ago, your boss is laying on the guilt so goddamn thick that it's seeping through the intertubes. Because seriously, this whole situation is their doing, NOT AT ALL YOURS. Your boss should have checked in with you long ago, and cultivated an office culture that promotes actual open discussion about how people are actually doing in their jobs, and balanced the workload equitably.
I encourage you to do a few things. First, find a therapist who can help you resolve your feelings of guilt. I do believe that guilt is an appropriate feeling for appropriate causes. I also believe that your guilt is inappropriate here, and you should have an ongoing discussion with someone who can help you process your feelings, even if that means allowing yourself to exist with that feeling but disconnecting it from controlling your behavior.
Second, go home tonight and think about what you want from your job. What would it take for you to keep working there until June? Work-sponsored therapy to deal with your feelings of anxiety and stress? Offloading a specific task or series of tasks? If you can think of a series of changes that would make it tolerable for you, ask for that. If your boss again plays the guilt card, recognize it for the bullshit that it is. She's the manager, this is literally her job. You're not the one hurting your coworkers, the organization is.
And finally, practice some good self care. You're one person who's doing the best they can. You're not consciously shortchanging anyone, you're not embezzling or molesting, you're doing what you can with what you have. Find a way to get that through to yourself. Every time you have someone complain because they didn't like your compromise, say something like, "I'm sorry this isn't what you asked for, but it's what we're able to offer right now." And then listen to them. You may not be able to change things for them, but maybe just listening is helpful.
Figure out what you want, and sit down with her on Friday. Your boss may be upset. That's ok, she's allowed to have feelings. It doesn't change the facts that what you're doing is unsustainable for you, and if the organization really benefits from your presence, she'll need to do the messy and complicated work that she should have done long ago. Don't worry about managing her feelings. This is business, not personal, and she can find her own therapist.
posted by disconnect at 9:30 AM on March 11, 2020 [4 favorites]
I ended up telling my supervisor today that I wanted to resign at the end of the month. She was pretty taken aback and upset
By itself, not a problem. But:
(saying that I should've said something earlier
It would have been better had you spoken up a few months in. And this is on her for failing to provide adequate guidance to someone brand new to the organization, and maybe to non-profits and the working world in general.
it would be really hard for the organization
Playing the guilt card! Classic.
it was incredibly unfair to my coworkers
Doubling down! Nice.
and that I was doing a disservice to the students
Triple play! Awesome.
and I'm not sure how to feel about everything
So her performance art piece had its intended effect.
She mentioned that she takes verbal contracts seriously (that is, for me working for a year)
More guilt.
and she asked me to consider staying until the beginning of June. She recognized that she doesn't know what I've been going through and is trying to be respectful of that, and also offered asking a coworker to help reduce the load.
Ok, so. You're a new graduate, probably with no real professional work experience, and you're eager to prove yourself, so you're throwing yourself into this job. You ran into some difficulty, and you were probably told "I know it's tough, but you'll adjust to it, and this is important work that we're doing and we really need you". The bullshit kept piling up, and it eventually became unsustainable for you. You told your boss, and she was blindsided. She thought you were a believer and you cared about the mission! Now she's going to have to scramble, and The Kids are going to suffer! So she'll bring in another coworker to take some of the load off of you, but only if it's what you really want. You jerk.
Now, here's what I see through a lens of a lifetime working for managers all across the spectrum. They hired a recent college grad because you'll work for a shitty wage and put in unpaid overtime and believe that you alone are responsible for the success or failure of the org, and you'll take it personally. You worked out exactly as they expected, so they didn't have to manage anything else in the org. Now you're threatening to jump ship, so rather than do the work that she should have done long ago, your boss is laying on the guilt so goddamn thick that it's seeping through the intertubes. Because seriously, this whole situation is their doing, NOT AT ALL YOURS. Your boss should have checked in with you long ago, and cultivated an office culture that promotes actual open discussion about how people are actually doing in their jobs, and balanced the workload equitably.
I encourage you to do a few things. First, find a therapist who can help you resolve your feelings of guilt. I do believe that guilt is an appropriate feeling for appropriate causes. I also believe that your guilt is inappropriate here, and you should have an ongoing discussion with someone who can help you process your feelings, even if that means allowing yourself to exist with that feeling but disconnecting it from controlling your behavior.
Second, go home tonight and think about what you want from your job. What would it take for you to keep working there until June? Work-sponsored therapy to deal with your feelings of anxiety and stress? Offloading a specific task or series of tasks? If you can think of a series of changes that would make it tolerable for you, ask for that. If your boss again plays the guilt card, recognize it for the bullshit that it is. She's the manager, this is literally her job. You're not the one hurting your coworkers, the organization is.
And finally, practice some good self care. You're one person who's doing the best they can. You're not consciously shortchanging anyone, you're not embezzling or molesting, you're doing what you can with what you have. Find a way to get that through to yourself. Every time you have someone complain because they didn't like your compromise, say something like, "I'm sorry this isn't what you asked for, but it's what we're able to offer right now." And then listen to them. You may not be able to change things for them, but maybe just listening is helpful.
Figure out what you want, and sit down with her on Friday. Your boss may be upset. That's ok, she's allowed to have feelings. It doesn't change the facts that what you're doing is unsustainable for you, and if the organization really benefits from your presence, she'll need to do the messy and complicated work that she should have done long ago. Don't worry about managing her feelings. This is business, not personal, and she can find her own therapist.
posted by disconnect at 9:30 AM on March 11, 2020 [4 favorites]
Bra fucking vo. Perfectly put. If I could favourite that any harder, I would. Flagged as fantastic.
posted by flabdablet at 9:59 AM on March 11, 2020
posted by flabdablet at 9:59 AM on March 11, 2020
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posted by salvia at 11:03 PM on March 7, 2020 [3 favorites]