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March 5, 2020 11:34 AM

How do I truly accept and be comfortable with knowing that I am at best profoundly average, and at worst actively bad, at whatever I do for a living? How much of my compulsive need to be excellent at everything stems from actual competitiveness and how much from deeply internalised anxiety? How do I make this get better? Because this needs to get better, like, yesterday. Less vague questions after the jump.Apologies in advance for the wall of text.

I have a high paying, high stress, high security clearance, low margin of error job, in an industry where women are very few and far between. The All Boys' Club vibe is distinct and pervasive. This is not at all the career I would've chosen if I had had an option, but financial stability considerations took precedence and I'm now fairly entrenched (or trapped). So far, I've done okay, I have very good performance ratings and reviews, and I have managed some very difficult, time-consuming, mentally and emotionally exhausting work issues. All of this has taken more and more of my mindspace and more and more exertion of aptitude that I'm beginning to think I do not really possess. All of this has been compounded now because, in part from the tiredness and anxiety and adjusting to a new reporting head with a completely different management style, I've started slipping up. And they have made it quite clear that they are less than impressed with me.
This is a very strange feeling for me. Quite apart from the professional risk of what it does for my career considerations, I am strangely distressed by them simply not liking me. I keep going over and above normal work effort, trying to wring out that one word of approval, or encouragement, or even acknowledgment, occasionally. So far, no dice. And if anything, in my own estimate, driven by anxiety and taking even more effort (at a job that is already high effort), I've screwed up worse, made sillier mistakes, been less able to keep the plates spinning. And I already did have some issues regarding internal organization and functioning that I've just, so far, been able to manage on the right side of errors/omissions. This has led backwards into my questioning my attitude towards work itself.
Oddly enough, when I started my career I was very clear about this being a way to pay my bills and nothing more. Since then, however, not only has it sucked up all my time, it has also become a source of endless frustration about needing to be beyond merely effective, which I see is the goal of many many coworkers. And it seems to work fine. For whatever reason, that sense of confidence or contentment or whathaveyou, in just doing one's job, has completely eluded me since childhood. My parents always linked achievements to my value as an individual - and fortunately or unfortunately, for a long time I was good at quite a few things I tried (including something I passionately love and I am objectively good at, but would never make a living out of). The flip side of this was also true - I am terrified of making mistakes and have trouble owning up - ugly scenes from childhood when my mum would threaten to throw me out of the house for a less than perfect test score flash before my eyes, and make it really hard to admit to any errors whatsoever, because in my head I am not allowed to be wrong. All of this makes the correlation between my self-worth and needing to be excellent always, even at the great detriment of mental peace, a really hard lesson to unlearn. I am in therapy (I have GAD) and we are trying to address these issues.
In the meanwhile, could you please share tips as to how to more chill at work? Or crave less approval? Or stop needlessly beating myself up if I make an error or three and not immediately default to a weirdly self-involved worst case scenario where I am single handedly responsible for All The Wrong Everywhere? Or trying to reset to my original attitude to treating it as just a job? Or stories about how you're okay at your job and the world has not ended as a result of it? Or how you'd manage a temporary issue with a management style that you're not comfortable with but may not a permanent issue since there is mobility, but not immediately?
Please don't ask me to quit. There are no non-toxic jobs for women in my country, as far as I can tell (I'm not American, just FYI).
If you made it this far into the ask, whether your respond or not, I am truly grateful. Thank you!

posted by Nieshka to Work & Money (14 answers total)

You remind me so much of my sister.
First of all: hugs and hugs.
Second: slow down. Slow down so you can evaluate your situation rationally. When I was on my first job after graduation, I happened into a crisis. Because I was the only person fluent in English, I was the person writing the faxes to a client overseas. One night I went home to my grandparents and told them about it, and my granddad advised me: there is nothing so important it can't wait till you've slept on it. My granddad dealt with some pretty important decisions, so I've followed his advice ever since. My boss didn't, and the whole thing crashed, but we remained friends for life.

It seems like you are in a situation where your colleagues don't respect and can't deal with professional women. It has nothing at all to do with your knowledge or skills. I'll bet that all of your male colleagues make more mistakes every day than you make in a week. You are most likely doing great.
Right now I don't have practical advice because this is very close to home, but I wanted to tell you right away to breathe. And I will get back tomorrow.
posted by mumimor at 12:22 PM on March 5, 2020 [6 favorites]

I have a lot of experience with these feelings. Recently I came to the conclusion that I need to drastically change how I respond to stuff like this; the alternative is my brain drowning in stress hormones 24 hours a day and life is too short for that.

I think it's really true that there are no non-toxic jobs for women; I definitely can't think of any, or any non-toxic job experiences I could name. Well, one, a really long time ago, for an amazing one-of-a-kind woman, that didn't last long.

Here's some different changes to how I think and do things that have been helping:

- There is no approval or kind words or appreciation behind some door I just need to unlock. They aren't behind any door, I can't unlock them, I don't need to chase them, I can't make them appear. One less thing to worry about. There are other parts of my day where people do like me, I just have to get through this tedious stuff first.

- That being said, I started thinking about things from my bosses point of view, and how I can make it my goal to simply make them happy. Let them have it their way even if it doesn't make sense, because they aren't paying me to make things make sense, even though they really should be, they don't think of it like that. The more you prioritize making them happy no matter how bad or uninformed their opinions are, the more they start to like you.

- Being "merely effective" is actually a great goal, and attainable. The higher your standards, the harder they are to reach, especially with no support, the more anxious you are and the more you make yourself crazy. It's easier to get by when you're in step with your community. How can you get better in step with them? Take yourself down to their level. One thing that used to make me especially crazy was looking around and realizing that everyone else gets to mess up all the time and no one cares. Why can't I do that too?

- Not having your brain being flooded by stress/fear hormones 24 hours a day. I couldn't get anti-anxiety medication because our system sucks, but I did get pot, and that helps me A LOT. What are some changes you can make that prioritize bringing the temperature down in your head by like half?
posted by bleep at 12:27 PM on March 5, 2020 [11 favorites]

If you've been doing very well, and you're not doing well now with a new boss, that means your boss is a dickhead. Look for a lateral move. Obviously not every job is shitty for women on earth because you managed well with your previous boss. Where's your old boss gone? Maybe they've got a role for you.
posted by Mistress at 2:31 PM on March 5, 2020 [3 favorites]

I think it's really true that there are no non-toxic jobs for women
That's what I think, too. I actively cultivate... contempt is too strong a word. It's more like amusement. Resigned amusement? I look for the bits that I actually do well within the vast unknowable sea of "deliverables" I'm supposed to be supplying, and the ones that are fun, and I do those, and then I gamify the larger set, stuff that I don't enjoy or do well, to try to find a way to do it that's rewarding even if the thing itself is not inherently rewarding.

Like bleep, I recently noticed that I have an outsized emotional response to being bad at so much of work--mostly fear but also resentment and shame--and that none of the emotion helps me or my employer and also that none of it is mandatory. That if I can figure out how to not care, I will paradoxically be better at all of this because caring takes so much of my energy and attention, and if I care, which is to say, if I'm afraid or resentful or ashamed, I make more mistakes. (If I care about my own invented work games, on the other hand, I try to "win" them and thus do better and make fewer mistakes.) The "mission" of my workplace, which used once to make sense and has been gradually and steadily perverted over many years by marketing nonsense, I consider to have been rendered unknowable and unachievable. The bosses are equally unknowable, not in a godlike way but in a nonsensical way. Although they do have power over me. I think of them not as capricious gods but as ridiculous critters. They could be enormous, blundering hamsters, and I have that kind of feeling about them. They're going about their ridiculous business, and I'm trying to do my impossible job in spite of them and it's all a bit of a challenge but not an unfun challenge, and also pretty hilarious, considered in this light. I'll just keep going dodging the megahamsters and checking all my boxes and go home at night pleasantly tired from making accomplishments, night after night until the inevitable day when one of the hamsters rolls over on me in its sleep and it's game over.
posted by Don Pepino at 2:35 PM on March 5, 2020 [14 favorites]

That sounds awful. Have you tried meditation, even in very short doses via an app? Or if you prefer something more active, yoga or running? It might be a way to temporarily stop worrying and help your body deal with the stress.
posted by pinochiette at 2:42 PM on March 5, 2020 [1 favorite]

I have found that the team environment and culture I am in makes a much bigger difference than I generally think.

At heart I am an anxious person, but if you put me in an environment where I am explicitly trusted to do my job a lot of those feelings shrink.

In short consider moving to a different team or job, the results may surprise you. Best of luck.
posted by smoke at 2:44 PM on March 5, 2020 [4 favorites]

I'm in agreement with a theme of the above: sometimes you feel bad in an environment not because you are bad but because the environment is bad for you. Might not be bad for everyone, but bad for you.

You yourself point out that this position gets at something in your psychology. The way your mom spoke to you. So it sounds like you need some healing. Generally, trying to get healed inside the environment that hurt you is like breaking a mirror and then later rolling around in the glass. Doesn't have the intended effect.

But fine, you don't want to quit.

Here are your tactics:

Have a strict time that you enter and leave the office each day. Have an appointment at the end of the day that you need to get to. Maybe a yoga class, friend date, or just a nice quiet sit in the park before the sun goes down.
Have a quiet place outside the office you can walk to in five minutes or less, preferably with a view of field, or a tree, or the sky. You ever notice how big the sky is. So much bigger than that little office you work in. The world is so much bigger than that thing you supposedly have a deadline on.
If you can't say "no" to something say, "yes, and I need your help prioritizing it along the many things that I do in an organized, thorough, and timely manner." Yes, of course you are capable of building a bridge to the moon, but you just need to understand whether and how that mission is above somebody else's project that you're already committed to. In fact, it may be wise for you to lead a team since you are so popular!
If you or a colleague find an error, fine, errors happen. Negotiate whether it's important to fix (might not be) and in what timeframe you can do it.

And finally, as you are in a difficult feeling... Sit in a chair... Lean back... Take a deep breath in... Slowly press that breath out... Try to see the breath pushing out.... You can do this in a meeting. it'll look like your considering someone's point! ... And ask yourself, is my feeling perfect, liked, and good enough in this office more important than my emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical health?




That's the day to day stuff...

A little longer term, who are the people or departments in the building you'd prefer to work with? How can you join them on lunches? How can you help them with their projects so much that in a few months people will think your on their team ? That's a great way to shift without leaving that office.



Finally, I know I know I know that this seems like the one of the rare places that will hire you. Or maybe the best place. And that your circumstance is especially difficult. Probably it's true. Doesn't make it impossible. Try something small like meeting people in your industry at a conference or a talk or a Meetup. See what kind of surprises Destiny has been holding for you, waiting for you to try something new.
posted by jander03 at 3:45 PM on March 5, 2020 [4 favorites]

I recently changed jobs into one that’s much less stressful, but when I had a really bad day at my old job, I’d buy a lottery ticket. To remind myself that my job is just a job, and if that lottery ticket turned out to be a winner, I’d walk away and never look back. Whatever had been bugging me at work that day—I’d never think about it again.

It sounds silly, but it puts things in perspective. Someday you’ll be gone from that job, and the mistakes you made won’t matter.

And don’t be afraid to look for something else. Heck, change careers if you want. A clean slate helps sometimes. It did for me.

At the very least, look for things outside of work that will make you happy. Pursue your own interests. If you don’t know what those interests are, try things and see if you’re interested in them enough to continue.

You are allowed to be wrong. You are allowed to make mistakes. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.
posted by vitout at 4:10 PM on March 5, 2020 [4 favorites]

Oh ugh, I am so sorry. Your situation sucks.

I don't have any advice, but I can tell you two things. 1) What is happening is actually not your fault, and I know that because 2) what is happening to you is so common that sociologists have written extensively about it, and that is what they say.

Here is how this story goes: a person ends up somewhere (a job or school) where people of their identity group are very underrepresented. They are a woman in a majority-male environment, or a BIPOC person in a majority-white environment, etc. People sometimes express surprise that they're there, and sometimes it isn't clear if they're entirely welcome. They make a mistake and get criticized for it. They react to the criticism by caring A LOT and redoubling their efforts, but things don't improve and they feel increasingly uncomfortable. Eventually, if they can, many leave to find an environment in which they are less outnumbered.

If you want to read more about this, the search terms you need are "stereotype threat" and "over-efforting." Whistling Vivaldi is 100% about this, and is fantastic. And I think it might have ideas about solutions that I am just not remembering at the moment.

Good luck and I'm so sorry. You seem like a person who is really self-aware and willing to be self-critical (which is awesome) but I think maybe you should experiment with the idea that this is not your fault, at all.
posted by Susan PG at 6:03 PM on March 5, 2020 [5 favorites]

>How do I truly accept and be comfortable with knowing that I am at best profoundly average, and at worst actively bad, at whatever I do for a living

>So far, I've done okay, I have very good performance ratings and reviews, and I have managed some very difficult, time-consuming, mentally and emotionally exhausting work issues

Answer part one to your question is that by your own admission you are not profoundly average and certainly not actively bad at what you do

>All of this has taken more and more of my mindspace and more and more exertion of aptitude that I'm beginning to think I do not really possess. All of this has been compounded now because, in part from the tiredness and anxiety and adjusting to a new reporting head with a completely different management style, I've started slipping up. And they have made it quite clear that they are less than impressed with me.

Which leads to answer part two, which is that you're burned out

>All of this has taken more and more of my mindspace and more and more exertion of aptitude that I'm beginning to think I do not really possess. All of this has been compounded now because, in part from the tiredness and anxiety and adjusting to a new reporting head with a completely different management style, I've started slipping up. And they have made it quite clear that they are less than impressed with me.

Because, answer part three, you're being horribly mismanaged by someone who is either actively bad at their job or just straight up abusive


You're not the problem here. Your directions forward are as other people have suggested, finding ways to manage the problem here (which is not you).

But also, the part where you think you're the problem even though outsiders can see you're not - I want you to read this short blog post:

Sick systems: how to keep someone with you forever
posted by Cozybee at 6:37 PM on March 5, 2020 [5 favorites]

>In the meanwhile, could you please share tips as to how to more chill at work? Or crave less approval? Or stop needlessly beating myself up if I make an error or three and not immediately default to a weirdly self-involved worst case scenario where I am single handedly responsible for All The Wrong Everywhere? Or trying to reset to my original attitude to treating it as just a job? Or stories about how you're okay at your job and the world has not ended as a result of it? Or how you'd manage a temporary issue with a management style that you're not comfortable with but may not a permanent issue since there is mobility, but not immediately?

So as alluded to in the previous comment, my advice here is directly from my previous experience with an abusive (non romantic) relationship, where I found myself blaming myself for everything that went wrong even though in retrospect that was not the problem.

And one day I was crying about it and someone else took me aside and asked me what was wrong and I explained and he said: so they don't like you and nothing you do will ever change that. So what?

And I boggled at him. What do you mean, so what? How do you not understand that having people like you is the fragile house of cards holding up your sense of worth as a person?

And then I went on a long, long walk and finally confronted one of the most important realization of my life. Which is that I can choose to like myself... unconditionally. I do not need to hold out self-acceptance as a carrot for me performing perfectly. I am literally allowed to decide, right now, while not being a paragon of perfection, that I am OK and enough and that I like myself.

I am not saying my life then transformed, it sounds easy but is active work to do, every day. But I'd previously never really considered it was an option because I'd never questioned the assumption that I could only be OK if I didn't mess up ever. In that sense, in retrospect, I consider the whole miserable situation a gift...

In your case it sounds like obviously the history with your parents is an additional factor. So I'd specifically look into "reparenting yourself".
posted by Cozybee at 6:48 PM on March 5, 2020 [6 favorites]

In case watching other people deal with similar things is helpful to you: I just watched a Korean TV show about office life in a corporation with lots of sick system-type cruelty and dysfunction. It was a surprisingly great show and the effects of that sick system on everybody was a major theme, as well as the forms it could take given different combinations of managers and teams. One of the supporting roles is a woman who is very strong and starts out as a rising star - and is then transferred to a team of misogynists who resent her. It might be hard to watch, but even when the environment starts to affect her it's really clear to the viewer that none of it is her fault and that there is no magical solution she could hit on to make everything better. Another character whose sense of self is based on being talented and having a promising future is transferred to an environment where the work is fundamentally unglamorous, his manager is contemptuous and uncommunicative, and he can't seem to get things right regardless of what he tries, while people he believed he was more talented than start to eclipse him. It might be interesting as a viewer to see whether your feelings about him are based on how well or badly he does at his job.

Anyway it can get bleak but there's also a lot of humor and camaraderie and the lens is very sympathetic to what everyone is going through. There's a very clear message that ability isn't just an individual trait but also depends on being in an environment that recognizes and nurtures it. Depending on where you're located you might be able to watch it on Netflix or for free on Viki.
posted by trig at 1:18 AM on March 6, 2020

So sorry you're going through this. I've been where you are and it sucks. You are not alone.

The book Burnout contains some useful strategies for coping with this kind of stress.

A lot of it is standard self-help stuff, but it does address the whole issue of how the patriarchy piles crap on women, and offers some advice beyond the "lean in" school of thought.
posted by rpfields at 5:11 PM on March 6, 2020

I promised to get back, but because I've been in a similar situation that ended badly, I've needed to think about what I should have done rather than what I did.
First of all, it's important to tell yourself repeatedly that everyone makes mistakes. Everyone. Only from that perspective can you address those mistakes adequately. My superiors kept finding mistakes in my work, and because I had isolated myself in my fear, I didn't realize that the things they accused me of were things literally everyone in the office were doing wrong because of some systemic challenges. You need to talk with co-workers you can trust about how things are going. That way you can get a more real understanding of the situation.
The way things ended was so bad that I was awarded 12 therapy sessions to deal with the trauma. One of the things the counsellor said was that I should have contacted upper management or HR very early on. Think about wether this is an option for you now. It may be that the transfer you say is in the future can be speeded up. If you can have that conversation, think about why the job is overwhelming you. The management position I had was normally shared by two people other places in the organisation. I was not "failing" because my skills were inadequate, I was working two more than full time jobs and I prioritized one of them. I was aware of this and told my boss several times, but I should have realized that I was being deliberately pushed into failure and gone to a higher level or HR. If you do so, you should think about wether anyone would be able to handle the burden of work you are asked to handle. I'm guessing not.
posted by mumimor at 1:02 AM on March 8, 2020 [1 favorite]