The finer points of saying "hi"
March 2, 2020 8:07 AM Subscribe
What are the unwritten rules of greeting people (and saying goodbye)?
I recently started a new job with kind of a weird office layout - I'm often walking through groups of working/conversing people, open offices etc. to get done what I need to do - and I'm often at a loss as to when/if I should greet people.
I'm neurotypical as far as I know (I feel like I read emotions and social cues well) but being shy and having been raised by agoraphobes, my social skills have never been quite on point.
Adding to my anxiety is having recently moved to the American South where there seems to be more of an emphasis on politeness and social graces.
Passing someone one-on-one in the hall for the first time that day is a no-brainer. I greet them.
But what if they're sitting with their back turned (presumably working)? What if I'm just passing by their office with their door open (again presumably working)? What if they're talking to someone else? What if it's a bunch of people I don't know?
My instinct in all of these situations is to keep quiet and not bother people (probably a product of my upbringing ), but I recently had a coworker get mad at me when I didn't greet him as I passed his office ( this has happened once or twice in the past too - where someone flipped out because I didn't greet him).
Also, whose responsibility is it to do the greeting? Does it generally fall on the person entering the room or walking by a room and not the person already situated?
I feel like this is one of those things that everyone but me was born knowing. The etiquette resources I checked do not cover this topic at all.
I recently started a new job with kind of a weird office layout - I'm often walking through groups of working/conversing people, open offices etc. to get done what I need to do - and I'm often at a loss as to when/if I should greet people.
I'm neurotypical as far as I know (I feel like I read emotions and social cues well) but being shy and having been raised by agoraphobes, my social skills have never been quite on point.
Adding to my anxiety is having recently moved to the American South where there seems to be more of an emphasis on politeness and social graces.
Passing someone one-on-one in the hall for the first time that day is a no-brainer. I greet them.
But what if they're sitting with their back turned (presumably working)? What if I'm just passing by their office with their door open (again presumably working)? What if they're talking to someone else? What if it's a bunch of people I don't know?
My instinct in all of these situations is to keep quiet and not bother people (probably a product of my upbringing ), but I recently had a coworker get mad at me when I didn't greet him as I passed his office ( this has happened once or twice in the past too - where someone flipped out because I didn't greet him).
Also, whose responsibility is it to do the greeting? Does it generally fall on the person entering the room or walking by a room and not the person already situated?
I feel like this is one of those things that everyone but me was born knowing. The etiquette resources I checked do not cover this topic at all.
I'm in the American South too, but I think that this varies on a level that is more micro than region, connected to organizational culture. It seems like you should make sure to watch what your coworkers do in these situations, and perhaps err on the side of quick greeting when in doubt, considering that people have mentioned it to you a few times already--although, flipping out (on the part of your coworker) seems like a big response to me.
posted by umbú at 8:18 AM on March 2, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by umbú at 8:18 AM on March 2, 2020 [2 favorites]
there are different ways of saying hello that imply either "i do" or "i don't" expect a response.
"i do expect a response": sustained eye-contact, deliberate wave, saying something with complex (or, in particular, downward) vocal inflection
"i don't expect a response": brief eye-contact, slight/stiff wave, short smile, saying something [short] with bare upward inflection.
you can basically use the second category of greetings in any circumstance, with anyone - strangers on the street, people with their backs turned, in the office, whatever. (I'd probably avoid anyone who seems clearly involved in a conversation and wouldn't want to be disturbed.) But it's harmless and friendly to say "Hi!" with a simple upward inflection, or to give a brief smile with short eye contact, as you walk past.
different spaces police or expect different levels of greeting/farewell, but you're usually OK just to deliver the category #2 ones whenever you want.
posted by Marquis at 8:18 AM on March 2, 2020 [2 favorites]
"i do expect a response": sustained eye-contact, deliberate wave, saying something with complex (or, in particular, downward) vocal inflection
"i don't expect a response": brief eye-contact, slight/stiff wave, short smile, saying something [short] with bare upward inflection.
you can basically use the second category of greetings in any circumstance, with anyone - strangers on the street, people with their backs turned, in the office, whatever. (I'd probably avoid anyone who seems clearly involved in a conversation and wouldn't want to be disturbed.) But it's harmless and friendly to say "Hi!" with a simple upward inflection, or to give a brief smile with short eye contact, as you walk past.
different spaces police or expect different levels of greeting/farewell, but you're usually OK just to deliver the category #2 ones whenever you want.
posted by Marquis at 8:18 AM on March 2, 2020 [2 favorites]
I have recently figured out (and this took me for-ev-er to figure out for some reason) that people just really like being greeted. You can't go wrong. Even if they're personally annoyed, they won't let you know with a "I'm mad!" response unless they're the one being rude to you, and they will take steps to make it more obvious that they don't want to be greeted next time. Just greeting everyone with a smile and a "good (part of the day)" and their name if you know it is a really good standard operating procedure.
Also, whose responsibility is it to do the greeting? Does it generally fall on the person entering the room or walking by a room and not the person already situated?
This one tripped me up for a long time too because as a kid you're taught not to interrupt when grown ups are talking, but there is no point when someone comes up to you and says "Hey you're one of the grown ups now, we expect you to participate when grown ups are talking." I have observed that if you come into a room no one will acknowledge you - it's on you to let everyone know that you're there and you want to be a part of the group they have formed there. Once you do that they will generally accept you into their group.
posted by bleep at 8:26 AM on March 2, 2020 [6 favorites]
Also, whose responsibility is it to do the greeting? Does it generally fall on the person entering the room or walking by a room and not the person already situated?
This one tripped me up for a long time too because as a kid you're taught not to interrupt when grown ups are talking, but there is no point when someone comes up to you and says "Hey you're one of the grown ups now, we expect you to participate when grown ups are talking." I have observed that if you come into a room no one will acknowledge you - it's on you to let everyone know that you're there and you want to be a part of the group they have formed there. Once you do that they will generally accept you into their group.
posted by bleep at 8:26 AM on March 2, 2020 [6 favorites]
As a transplant from the standoffish urban coast to the industrial midwest, also a baffled by random friendliness, my approach is to silently nod at everyone, everytime, and say "good morning" when passing face to face in the hall or in a confined space. Nobody has yet expressed offence. But, I also work in a field with lots of eccentric people much weirder than me and lots of immigrants.
For what it's worth, you're not alone. I look forward to the responses.
posted by eotvos at 8:52 AM on March 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
For what it's worth, you're not alone. I look forward to the responses.
posted by eotvos at 8:52 AM on March 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
In case it helps alleviate some of your stress about this:
...I recently had a coworker get mad at me when I didn't greet him as I passed his office...
This is not a normal reaction. Your coworker is out of order. Don't take your coworker's misplaced aggression as a signal that you did something wrong. There are loads of socially accepted reasons one might not greet a coworker in this situation. There are no socially accepted reasons for becoming mad over not being greeted in this situation.
posted by shb at 9:00 AM on March 2, 2020 [18 favorites]
...I recently had a coworker get mad at me when I didn't greet him as I passed his office...
This is not a normal reaction. Your coworker is out of order. Don't take your coworker's misplaced aggression as a signal that you did something wrong. There are loads of socially accepted reasons one might not greet a coworker in this situation. There are no socially accepted reasons for becoming mad over not being greeted in this situation.
posted by shb at 9:00 AM on March 2, 2020 [18 favorites]
I'm a NYer, and my wife is from Arkansas. My experience with the South has been that people greet each other (to my mind) Too Much. The greetings appear to ramp up the smaller the town is, so random strangers on the streets of Little Rock don't necessarily say hello to us, but random strangers on the streets of, say, Searcy, do.
I usually handle this by just accepting that I'm the asshole Yankee, because I take a certain perverse pleasure in it. But you have to work with these people! So I'd say you should err on the side of over-greeting, at least for a while.
posted by Ragged Richard at 9:13 AM on March 2, 2020
I usually handle this by just accepting that I'm the asshole Yankee, because I take a certain perverse pleasure in it. But you have to work with these people! So I'd say you should err on the side of over-greeting, at least for a while.
posted by Ragged Richard at 9:13 AM on March 2, 2020
I lived in the south for 25 years and it's not normal to flip out at someone for not greeting you, even if there is more pro-forma interaction that goes on there. Shy people do exist in the south and it's not a locally acceptable thing to make people feel bad about it, though it does happen I'm sure.
I think you'll be fine if you go with your own habits until you perhaps ease into/toward local social custom, and if someone really wants to make a big thing of the difference, perhaps make a self-effacing joke about not being from the around there or, if you're feeling it and it won't lead to resentment, just say without making a huge thing of it "I can be a bit shy; sorry if I hurt your feelings."
posted by less of course at 9:22 AM on March 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
I think you'll be fine if you go with your own habits until you perhaps ease into/toward local social custom, and if someone really wants to make a big thing of the difference, perhaps make a self-effacing joke about not being from the around there or, if you're feeling it and it won't lead to resentment, just say without making a huge thing of it "I can be a bit shy; sorry if I hurt your feelings."
posted by less of course at 9:22 AM on March 2, 2020 [1 favorite]
The trick is in the eye contact. Look at everyone as you go through. If they ignore you and don't look up, keep going. People who want to communicate with you hold eye contact.
If they look up and make eye contact, change your expression to one of pleasure. If they also change their expression to one of pleasure, then you give a slight nod, open your mouth and prepare to verbalize. If they don't do the same, you've done enough, you've given them a visual greeting without interrupting and can keep going. At work and other places it is acceptable to mime the greeting in order to minimize the interruption. You smiled so they have been informed that everything is good between you and that you are approachable if they need to talk to you. They can do this and consider it a decent exchange with you, all without missing a beat in a different conversation they are engaged in with someone else.
If they actually do the slight dip of the chin thing that indicates a barely perceptible nod and open their mouth a fraction to indicate willingness to speak but don't simply start talking themself, then you probably should say something, such as, "Hey, good morning," which does not require a response from them the way a question like, "How ya doing?" does.
They may respond by saying, "Morning, Brain" and then looking away. If they do, the two salutations were enough and you can keep going.
However after you say "G'morning", they don't have to limit themselves to just a responsive 'G'morning" as they now have the option to open a conversation. To open a conversation they will probably either start a new topic, or ask you the "How are you?" type question. If they ask the "How are you?" question you have to reply and reciprocate no matter how you answer it. Answering "Fine" indicates that the how-you-doing ritual is just a ritual and their response should be equally brief. If they respond to your "Fine - how you doing?" with a response that isn't also a dismissal, play close attention. They have indicated that they want something more and you need to figure out what it is.
If they open a conversation you should stop walking until they signal they have sniffed noses with you long enough. If you really don't want to do chit-chat right then, you break stride after your "G'morning," but keep walking and smile wider to indicate that even though you can't stop you really do like them. Look backwards over your shoulder as you go and slow down for a few steps. You generally say one short response to their opening gambit - followed by an apology for keeping going. The apology is usually a statement of why you can't stop, rather than an actual apology with the word sorry. It could be something like, "Got a deadline." or "Getting a report ready for the boss," which implies a deadline. If you have to brush them off like that it is important to come back later with some time to talk and give them another chance.
You should also take a moment at least once a week to offer some personal talk to each individual with whom you interact at work, and to all people to whom you need to defer because you are dependent on them, such as the receptionist and the janitor and the security guard and the person who supplies you with your data. The more dependent you are, the more often you do the submissive/supportive personal talk. This should never begin with you offering personal information about yourself and your feelings, but with an observation or inquiry about something relevant to their job. An example would be to ask the janitor if we are tracking a lot of grit in this week, or suggest to the receptionist that some people will be coming in just to attend an office meeting. When you do this, you are offering them an opening so that they can provide you with information, if they desire. You do not use this time to make requests or complaints.
Your boss's administrative assistant, if there is one is a key person to cultivate, as she or he will be your boss's partisan but is the gatekeeper for much information of value to you. In a well run office your boss's assistant will help you meet your boss's expectations without obliging your boss to do so. Any communication from the admin assist should be regarded as potentially being an indirect order, and indicating the tone that the boss wishes to take. So every time you pass by the admin assist signal that you are very open to any conversation, all without actually interrupting them. Use the eye-contact, followed by positive expression, preparation to speak without speaking gestures I described above. It goes without saying that you do the same with your boss and your boss's boss.
posted by Jane the Brown at 12:22 PM on March 2, 2020 [4 favorites]
If they look up and make eye contact, change your expression to one of pleasure. If they also change their expression to one of pleasure, then you give a slight nod, open your mouth and prepare to verbalize. If they don't do the same, you've done enough, you've given them a visual greeting without interrupting and can keep going. At work and other places it is acceptable to mime the greeting in order to minimize the interruption. You smiled so they have been informed that everything is good between you and that you are approachable if they need to talk to you. They can do this and consider it a decent exchange with you, all without missing a beat in a different conversation they are engaged in with someone else.
If they actually do the slight dip of the chin thing that indicates a barely perceptible nod and open their mouth a fraction to indicate willingness to speak but don't simply start talking themself, then you probably should say something, such as, "Hey, good morning," which does not require a response from them the way a question like, "How ya doing?" does.
They may respond by saying, "Morning, Brain" and then looking away. If they do, the two salutations were enough and you can keep going.
However after you say "G'morning", they don't have to limit themselves to just a responsive 'G'morning" as they now have the option to open a conversation. To open a conversation they will probably either start a new topic, or ask you the "How are you?" type question. If they ask the "How are you?" question you have to reply and reciprocate no matter how you answer it. Answering "Fine" indicates that the how-you-doing ritual is just a ritual and their response should be equally brief. If they respond to your "Fine - how you doing?" with a response that isn't also a dismissal, play close attention. They have indicated that they want something more and you need to figure out what it is.
If they open a conversation you should stop walking until they signal they have sniffed noses with you long enough. If you really don't want to do chit-chat right then, you break stride after your "G'morning," but keep walking and smile wider to indicate that even though you can't stop you really do like them. Look backwards over your shoulder as you go and slow down for a few steps. You generally say one short response to their opening gambit - followed by an apology for keeping going. The apology is usually a statement of why you can't stop, rather than an actual apology with the word sorry. It could be something like, "Got a deadline." or "Getting a report ready for the boss," which implies a deadline. If you have to brush them off like that it is important to come back later with some time to talk and give them another chance.
You should also take a moment at least once a week to offer some personal talk to each individual with whom you interact at work, and to all people to whom you need to defer because you are dependent on them, such as the receptionist and the janitor and the security guard and the person who supplies you with your data. The more dependent you are, the more often you do the submissive/supportive personal talk. This should never begin with you offering personal information about yourself and your feelings, but with an observation or inquiry about something relevant to their job. An example would be to ask the janitor if we are tracking a lot of grit in this week, or suggest to the receptionist that some people will be coming in just to attend an office meeting. When you do this, you are offering them an opening so that they can provide you with information, if they desire. You do not use this time to make requests or complaints.
Your boss's administrative assistant, if there is one is a key person to cultivate, as she or he will be your boss's partisan but is the gatekeeper for much information of value to you. In a well run office your boss's assistant will help you meet your boss's expectations without obliging your boss to do so. Any communication from the admin assist should be regarded as potentially being an indirect order, and indicating the tone that the boss wishes to take. So every time you pass by the admin assist signal that you are very open to any conversation, all without actually interrupting them. Use the eye-contact, followed by positive expression, preparation to speak without speaking gestures I described above. It goes without saying that you do the same with your boss and your boss's boss.
posted by Jane the Brown at 12:22 PM on March 2, 2020 [4 favorites]
Eye contact, a vaguely positive sound, and a smile has done me just fine for twenty-something years.
posted by aspersioncast at 3:47 PM on March 2, 2020
posted by aspersioncast at 3:47 PM on March 2, 2020
« Older Seeking credit card recommendations | How Far Can a Business Go Under Before It's Gone... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
Use the other person's eyes as a guide, too. If they're looking out their office door as you walk past, smile and wave and say hi. If their attention is on something else, just smile and wave without making any noise, unless they are a definite no-greeting-flipper-outer.
My default process for the office door passing wave doesn't involve slowing down on the way past, either; again, modify this for people who seem to need you to.
posted by flabdablet at 8:18 AM on March 2, 2020 [3 favorites]