when the world comes down
February 24, 2020 1:15 PM Subscribe
My life is falling apart. I have questions about a tech career, possible relocation, and the end of a romantic relationship.
Background:
I'm almost 30, AFAB, and genderqueer. I use they/them pronouns, and I resigned from my last job in 2017. Since then, I've been struggling with some mental health stuff that finally started improving recently. "Jane" is trans and uses she/her pronouns. We started dating in 2016 and living together in 2017, and she encouraged me to quit the last job because of its destructive impact on my mental health. She's polyam and dating some other people.
Jane has very recently decided that she really doesn't want to keep sharing her home with me or having a relationship this serious with me. I've agreed to try my best to move out of here permanently before June 1st.
Jane has a high-paying tech job and owns the condo in Boston that we've been living in. She's not inconvenienced by continuing to support me financially, but she's finding it emotionally/psychologically burdensome and wants it to stop. Jane and I had a sort of rocky relationship beginning in spring 2019. We tried couples counseling already.
Jane is interested in staying friends and continuing to spend time together, but in a much more informal, on-demand fashion, like her other romantic interests. I don't know if I want that. I don't think I do.
1) Employment, part one: I have a shitty work history due to psych stuff, some computer science college credits, and no college degree. I've done various kinds of IT-ish stuff for around five years, and I did do a code bootcamp thing in 2018. Should that be on my resume? I haven't been having much luck with LinkedIn. Should I even be looking for permanent roles, or should I be aiming for freelancing, Upwork, or something like that to get current references and practice my skills?
2) Employment, part two: I'm having a lot of anxiety about trying to explain to prospective employers why I've been out of the workforce for so long. It's okay to say I've been dealing with family obligations, right? Should I say something like that in my cover letters or wait for it to come up in interviews?
3) Relocation: I am currently located in Boston, I have a ton of memories of Jane here, and I have very little social circle. I could try to find a place to live in Boston, but I'm not sure that's what I want in the long-term. I have a little bit of savings, but not a lot, and a credit card with a high limit from back when I had a tech job. I think I want to move to a relatively trans-friendly city in the US, ideally one with milder winters, probably on the west coast. That said, I have no job and not much savings. Do you have opinions or suggestions? Do you know of relatively affordable housing options in the location(s) you're suggesting?
4) Employment-relocation-etc combo: Does it make sense for me to do something like WWOOF or some other non-traditional work-and-housing program? Is that at all a sensible way out of the long-term unemployment trap? Does it make any sense to try to finish an undergrad degree at this point?
5) The breakup: I have ended relationships before, but not this serious, and not after such a long period of living together. I have some trauma stuff, in part because my family is extremely dysfunctional and abusive, and I've been no-contact with them since 2015 or earlier. This is the longest time I have lived in one place since I was sixteen, and I wanted this to be my home and her to be my family forever. Do you have any recommendations for books or other resources for coping with this kind of loss? I'm going to be really alone, again, and I'm dreading it. I do have a therapist and psychiatrist and I am likely to remain on Jane's very good health insurance through the end of 2020.
6) Relative priorities: should I be looking for work and temporary housing here and then planning to relocate and find a new job elsewhere? Should I try to move without having work lined up? What the hell do I do, like, tomorrow?
Thank you for reading. I will check MeMail regularly on this account.
Background:
I'm almost 30, AFAB, and genderqueer. I use they/them pronouns, and I resigned from my last job in 2017. Since then, I've been struggling with some mental health stuff that finally started improving recently. "Jane" is trans and uses she/her pronouns. We started dating in 2016 and living together in 2017, and she encouraged me to quit the last job because of its destructive impact on my mental health. She's polyam and dating some other people.
Jane has very recently decided that she really doesn't want to keep sharing her home with me or having a relationship this serious with me. I've agreed to try my best to move out of here permanently before June 1st.
Jane has a high-paying tech job and owns the condo in Boston that we've been living in. She's not inconvenienced by continuing to support me financially, but she's finding it emotionally/psychologically burdensome and wants it to stop. Jane and I had a sort of rocky relationship beginning in spring 2019. We tried couples counseling already.
Jane is interested in staying friends and continuing to spend time together, but in a much more informal, on-demand fashion, like her other romantic interests. I don't know if I want that. I don't think I do.
1) Employment, part one: I have a shitty work history due to psych stuff, some computer science college credits, and no college degree. I've done various kinds of IT-ish stuff for around five years, and I did do a code bootcamp thing in 2018. Should that be on my resume? I haven't been having much luck with LinkedIn. Should I even be looking for permanent roles, or should I be aiming for freelancing, Upwork, or something like that to get current references and practice my skills?
2) Employment, part two: I'm having a lot of anxiety about trying to explain to prospective employers why I've been out of the workforce for so long. It's okay to say I've been dealing with family obligations, right? Should I say something like that in my cover letters or wait for it to come up in interviews?
3) Relocation: I am currently located in Boston, I have a ton of memories of Jane here, and I have very little social circle. I could try to find a place to live in Boston, but I'm not sure that's what I want in the long-term. I have a little bit of savings, but not a lot, and a credit card with a high limit from back when I had a tech job. I think I want to move to a relatively trans-friendly city in the US, ideally one with milder winters, probably on the west coast. That said, I have no job and not much savings. Do you have opinions or suggestions? Do you know of relatively affordable housing options in the location(s) you're suggesting?
4) Employment-relocation-etc combo: Does it make sense for me to do something like WWOOF or some other non-traditional work-and-housing program? Is that at all a sensible way out of the long-term unemployment trap? Does it make any sense to try to finish an undergrad degree at this point?
5) The breakup: I have ended relationships before, but not this serious, and not after such a long period of living together. I have some trauma stuff, in part because my family is extremely dysfunctional and abusive, and I've been no-contact with them since 2015 or earlier. This is the longest time I have lived in one place since I was sixteen, and I wanted this to be my home and her to be my family forever. Do you have any recommendations for books or other resources for coping with this kind of loss? I'm going to be really alone, again, and I'm dreading it. I do have a therapist and psychiatrist and I am likely to remain on Jane's very good health insurance through the end of 2020.
6) Relative priorities: should I be looking for work and temporary housing here and then planning to relocate and find a new job elsewhere? Should I try to move without having work lined up? What the hell do I do, like, tomorrow?
Thank you for reading. I will check MeMail regularly on this account.
Some more thoughts:
Yes, include the bootcamp on your resume, assuming you completed the program. Could the organizers of the bootcamp help you in your job search? Most of these camps have a vested interest in helping their graduates find employment, since it looks better for their stats. Leverage all the personal connections you possibly can for finding jobs -- that always gives you the best chance of standing out, and especially with your slightly-outside-the-norm work history, a personal referral will help you get your foot in the door. (I know you said you don't have a big social circle here, but treat "personal connection" loosely --maybe the barista at your local café knows someone who is hiring.)
It's probably a bad idea to move somewhere without a job, and it's also harder to leverage personal connections to find a job in a city you've never lived in. If I were in your position, I would focus on finding a job and a place to live in my current city while I got my feet under me, and consider moving in a year or so. But only you can decide whether staying put will be too detrimental to your mental health.
posted by mekily at 2:07 PM on February 24, 2020 [3 favorites]
Yes, include the bootcamp on your resume, assuming you completed the program. Could the organizers of the bootcamp help you in your job search? Most of these camps have a vested interest in helping their graduates find employment, since it looks better for their stats. Leverage all the personal connections you possibly can for finding jobs -- that always gives you the best chance of standing out, and especially with your slightly-outside-the-norm work history, a personal referral will help you get your foot in the door. (I know you said you don't have a big social circle here, but treat "personal connection" loosely --maybe the barista at your local café knows someone who is hiring.)
It's probably a bad idea to move somewhere without a job, and it's also harder to leverage personal connections to find a job in a city you've never lived in. If I were in your position, I would focus on finding a job and a place to live in my current city while I got my feet under me, and consider moving in a year or so. But only you can decide whether staying put will be too detrimental to your mental health.
posted by mekily at 2:07 PM on February 24, 2020 [3 favorites]
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In terms of how to explain the gap on your resume, it's worth thinking about whether you can spin anything you've done during this time into an "independent project" -- especially if it's tech-related, but even if not. Talking your resume over with a friend might be helpful, because we tend to discount our own work and accomplishments and a friend might encourage you to include things you otherwise wouldn't.
Also please feel free to pm me if you want to vent. I can relate to some of your life experiences: I work in tech, used to live in Boston, have experience in polyamorous relationships, and recently went through a similar (though less serious) breakup. Good luck -- you got this.
posted by mekily at 1:43 PM on February 24, 2020 [3 favorites]