Help me de-clutter when I assign (too much?) value to stuff.
February 19, 2020 1:07 AM Subscribe
I moved recently, and it made me realize just how much stuff I have. Things I forgot about, things I haven’t had cause to use in years. I would like to cut down on my possessions.
The catch is twofold: on the one hand, I have stuff that I hope one day I’ll have enough space to display properly. I don’t know if I’ll ever own a house per se, but someday I would like to live somewhere with a room to decorate as a combination office/library/assorted geekery. Right now I have a single bedroom, and the idea of selling all that stuff to buy back even a fraction of later fills me with a strange panic.
Which is probably where the other catch comes in: I place a lot of value on stuff. If someone gives me something, regardless of whether there’s any sentiment behind the object, I find myself unable to get rid of it. Doing so would feel something like betrayal or a dismissal of that person. I have boxes and boxes of stuff that people have given me, from mundane to poignant. Even if I haven’t used or looked at some of it for a long while, the fact that I still have it comforts me. You could argue that growing up relatively poor has skewed how I see worth in stuff; I didn’t have stuff, and so things take on this oversized import. Plus, having an item I don't have a use for now means NOT having to buy it later when I do need it (if ever). This is just me spit-balling, of course, besides the fact that how you were raised influences but doesn’t determine your behavior. At the very least, it might be a useful data point.
Ultimately, I’m not trying to be a hoarder. I would like to feel more okay with getting rid of things. I know about the KonMari method. Any other concrete strategies for how to be less invested emotionally in material goods?
The catch is twofold: on the one hand, I have stuff that I hope one day I’ll have enough space to display properly. I don’t know if I’ll ever own a house per se, but someday I would like to live somewhere with a room to decorate as a combination office/library/assorted geekery. Right now I have a single bedroom, and the idea of selling all that stuff to buy back even a fraction of later fills me with a strange panic.
Which is probably where the other catch comes in: I place a lot of value on stuff. If someone gives me something, regardless of whether there’s any sentiment behind the object, I find myself unable to get rid of it. Doing so would feel something like betrayal or a dismissal of that person. I have boxes and boxes of stuff that people have given me, from mundane to poignant. Even if I haven’t used or looked at some of it for a long while, the fact that I still have it comforts me. You could argue that growing up relatively poor has skewed how I see worth in stuff; I didn’t have stuff, and so things take on this oversized import. Plus, having an item I don't have a use for now means NOT having to buy it later when I do need it (if ever). This is just me spit-balling, of course, besides the fact that how you were raised influences but doesn’t determine your behavior. At the very least, it might be a useful data point.
Ultimately, I’m not trying to be a hoarder. I would like to feel more okay with getting rid of things. I know about the KonMari method. Any other concrete strategies for how to be less invested emotionally in material goods?
If there are things that you have been saving for 'someday' that you could start using now, do that! So, hang that piece of art where you are, or use those special plates or crystal glasses everyday....that sort of thing.
For gifts/things people have given you, downsize these. Only keep your true favourites and find a method to remember the rest. Maybe keep a scrapbook and put a photo of the item and write something about the person who gave it to you and your memories of that occasion.
For general clutter, books, extra kitchen gadgets, etc, if it is an item that you haven't used in forever AND you know you could replace it for under $20 (or $10 or $5 or whatever amount you're comfortable with) give it away it guilt free! You now have a plan for if you need this item in the future.
posted by fourpotatoes at 4:14 AM on February 19, 2020 [2 favorites]
For gifts/things people have given you, downsize these. Only keep your true favourites and find a method to remember the rest. Maybe keep a scrapbook and put a photo of the item and write something about the person who gave it to you and your memories of that occasion.
For general clutter, books, extra kitchen gadgets, etc, if it is an item that you haven't used in forever AND you know you could replace it for under $20 (or $10 or $5 or whatever amount you're comfortable with) give it away it guilt free! You now have a plan for if you need this item in the future.
posted by fourpotatoes at 4:14 AM on February 19, 2020 [2 favorites]
Here's what helped for me:
Also, in the harsh light of the day it became very obvious there was a lot of crap I did not want to pick up and put back into my basement. A nice side benefit is the things you do end up putting back will be more organized and save you space.
posted by jeremias at 4:37 AM on February 19, 2020 [2 favorites]
- I asked a good friend to come over to my place to help me declutter. (He wanted to do something similar, so I reciprocated a few weeks later).
- Checking the weather, to make sure it wasn't going to rain, I then took about an hour and moved tons of stuff outside onto my back lawn.
- Friend and I then went through everything and decided what to keep and what to donate/trash.
Also, in the harsh light of the day it became very obvious there was a lot of crap I did not want to pick up and put back into my basement. A nice side benefit is the things you do end up putting back will be more organized and save you space.
posted by jeremias at 4:37 AM on February 19, 2020 [2 favorites]
You say you know about the KonMari method, but what does that mean? Have you actually read the book? I have similar relationships to stuff that you describe, but reading The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up helped mitigate some of my issues. (It didn't solve them, for sure, but it did lessen them.) If you're only aware of KonMari but haven't read the book (or the manga, which is awesome), I'd encourage you to do so. Because it tackles what you're wrestling with here.
posted by jdroth at 5:55 AM on February 19, 2020 [12 favorites]
posted by jdroth at 5:55 AM on February 19, 2020 [12 favorites]
Same here. I get ridiculously attached to material goods, clothing etc. not for their monetary value, but for the memories I’ve attached to them. So lots of objects I genuinely don’t need spark joy.
Things that help:
-Giving myself time to relive those memories
-taking pictures of the objects
-writing down some of those memories
How I de-clutter or get rid of things:
When packing for a move, I consider every single object. Do I (1) want this enough to put it in this box AND (2) take it back out of the box AND (3) find a place for it? (4) Do I have room for it?
It’s not easy. But I’ve never regretted getting rid of anything.
posted by Neekee at 7:55 AM on February 19, 2020 [1 favorite]
Things that help:
-Giving myself time to relive those memories
-taking pictures of the objects
-writing down some of those memories
How I de-clutter or get rid of things:
When packing for a move, I consider every single object. Do I (1) want this enough to put it in this box AND (2) take it back out of the box AND (3) find a place for it? (4) Do I have room for it?
It’s not easy. But I’ve never regretted getting rid of anything.
posted by Neekee at 7:55 AM on February 19, 2020 [1 favorite]
Working on the same thing (pre-move), solidarity.
My system:
Set a box/time goal. Today I will go through one box. If I want to do more after that box I can, but box goal is already met and feel no guilt if I'm overwhelmed and stop for the day after the one.
Have giveaway boxes to fill/donate. There are local social service agencies always willing to take donations on behalf of people just moving into first apartment after homelessness, etc. It makes me very happy to know that the extra kitchen tools, for example, will continue to feed people who can really use the donated items. I also donate to Goodwill and St. Vincent De Paul. This is by far the most gratifying part of the process, giving my special things a new life with someone who will be so glad to have them.
Throwaway pile is for items that I wouldn't buy, even at reduced cost, if I was shopping at Goodwill.
Use a buddy. Sometimes I feel better when I can talk about the history/meaning of something that I am struggling to keep/give, and I can accomplish that having someone sit with me and be my sounding board for a predetermined amount of time - 1 hour, 4 hours, whatever we agree on ahead of time.
I take pictures of things that are special to me but I'm hesitantly ready to let go of. I can always look at the photos if I want to reminisce. I haven't gone back to look at the photos so far and have no anxiety about that.
I've found that setting smaller, doable goals works best for me and helps me feel a greater sense of accomplishment. And I also have not regretted rehousing anything I've let go, not one thing.
You can do this!
posted by mcbeth at 9:39 AM on February 19, 2020 [2 favorites]
My system:
Set a box/time goal. Today I will go through one box. If I want to do more after that box I can, but box goal is already met and feel no guilt if I'm overwhelmed and stop for the day after the one.
Have giveaway boxes to fill/donate. There are local social service agencies always willing to take donations on behalf of people just moving into first apartment after homelessness, etc. It makes me very happy to know that the extra kitchen tools, for example, will continue to feed people who can really use the donated items. I also donate to Goodwill and St. Vincent De Paul. This is by far the most gratifying part of the process, giving my special things a new life with someone who will be so glad to have them.
Throwaway pile is for items that I wouldn't buy, even at reduced cost, if I was shopping at Goodwill.
Use a buddy. Sometimes I feel better when I can talk about the history/meaning of something that I am struggling to keep/give, and I can accomplish that having someone sit with me and be my sounding board for a predetermined amount of time - 1 hour, 4 hours, whatever we agree on ahead of time.
I take pictures of things that are special to me but I'm hesitantly ready to let go of. I can always look at the photos if I want to reminisce. I haven't gone back to look at the photos so far and have no anxiety about that.
I've found that setting smaller, doable goals works best for me and helps me feel a greater sense of accomplishment. And I also have not regretted rehousing anything I've let go, not one thing.
You can do this!
posted by mcbeth at 9:39 AM on February 19, 2020 [2 favorites]
Here's something I picked up in my 20s, when I was constantly moving to find cheaper rent. When packing up, I separate some percentage of items into boxes that I classify "things that I like but haven't looked at/touched/thought about since the last move." On those boxes, I make a mark indicating it's filled with this category of stuff but otherwise don't write or list what's inside. If those boxes are unopened the next time I move, off they go to a donation center.
I still do this, without needing to move. It's a very passive, slow way to obscure the assigned value I've put on things (I'm very nostalgic, to a fault, but forgetting can be a powerful tool for good). Clearly I don't put anything in these boxes that I cherish, so pat of this skill is being honest with yourself about the value added to your life by hanging on to certain items. If you can recognize that something you like a lot isn't something that's doing much for you, you're halfway there.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 11:03 AM on February 19, 2020 [1 favorite]
I still do this, without needing to move. It's a very passive, slow way to obscure the assigned value I've put on things (I'm very nostalgic, to a fault, but forgetting can be a powerful tool for good). Clearly I don't put anything in these boxes that I cherish, so pat of this skill is being honest with yourself about the value added to your life by hanging on to certain items. If you can recognize that something you like a lot isn't something that's doing much for you, you're halfway there.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 11:03 AM on February 19, 2020 [1 favorite]
You could even use ladh's method over just a year. If you haven't even felt the need to go looking for something in the course of a whole year, it's probably not something that's playing a meaningful role in your life. Box some stuff, slap a date on it, and see what happens in the course of a year.
posted by praemunire at 1:12 PM on February 19, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by praemunire at 1:12 PM on February 19, 2020 [1 favorite]
If someone gives me something, regardless of whether there’s any sentiment behind the object, I find myself unable to get rid of it. Doing so would feel something like betrayal or a dismissal of that person. I have boxes and boxes of stuff that people have given me, from mundane to poignant.
How about an experiment? Take a small box, and in that box, put in two of the mundane things that you truly don't like and maybe even dislike. Then close that box and give it charity. Then, wait a week, a month, etc., and see how it feels. See if you ever think of that item again. If you really like the person who gave it to you, maybe send them a text to say hello (without mentioning the item in question).
posted by bluedaisy at 1:25 PM on February 19, 2020 [2 favorites]
How about an experiment? Take a small box, and in that box, put in two of the mundane things that you truly don't like and maybe even dislike. Then close that box and give it charity. Then, wait a week, a month, etc., and see how it feels. See if you ever think of that item again. If you really like the person who gave it to you, maybe send them a text to say hello (without mentioning the item in question).
posted by bluedaisy at 1:25 PM on February 19, 2020 [2 favorites]
I have started doing a kind of reverse-KonMari. I ask myself "How much stress does not knowing what do with/where to put this think cause me?" If it's causing stress, it has to go. And if it's too stressful on that particular day to figure out how to ethically get rid of it, it goes into the trash. For the sake of my mental health, I've given myself permission not to agonize over how/where/when to sell/donate items and I just carry a garbage bag around with me a few times a week trying to do this.
posted by kitcat at 1:33 PM on February 19, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by kitcat at 1:33 PM on February 19, 2020 [4 favorites]
Start with a category of items. Maybe books or clothes. Try to weed out a few things from the category right away, then come back to it later. If it’s something I’m very sentimental about, sometimes it helps me to give it away to someone (and then I have to tell them “please don’t feel you have to keep this.” This works for me with very particular friends, who I know will either appreciate the thing or have no qualms instantly getting rid of it. I do the same for them). Or maybe you know someone with a middle school age kid who is into like, dragons or something, and suddenly cleaning out those collectible dragon figurines becomes easier. Giving things to a person who will like them feels good.
Donating nice items to a thrift store can feel really, really good.
Take photos of things you really like. This can make donating them easier somehow. Or take photos, then look through photos later and you may realize you don’t care about some of the things or already forgot about them.
It’s nice to save things for a future home. But only if your current space is as nice and comfortable as you can make it. Maybe try to limit the “someday” home things to one or two boxes. Remember styles and your interests will change. It’s very possible you will not want it in your someday home. And when you do have this nice, future house, won’t you want to get new things just for it?
Think of a friend you have or family member with a style you like. Ask them for advice. If they will help you clean out a closet or de clutter a book shelf, it might really be fun.
I like Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project and her take on decluttering.
posted by areaperson at 6:05 PM on February 19, 2020
Donating nice items to a thrift store can feel really, really good.
Take photos of things you really like. This can make donating them easier somehow. Or take photos, then look through photos later and you may realize you don’t care about some of the things or already forgot about them.
It’s nice to save things for a future home. But only if your current space is as nice and comfortable as you can make it. Maybe try to limit the “someday” home things to one or two boxes. Remember styles and your interests will change. It’s very possible you will not want it in your someday home. And when you do have this nice, future house, won’t you want to get new things just for it?
Think of a friend you have or family member with a style you like. Ask them for advice. If they will help you clean out a closet or de clutter a book shelf, it might really be fun.
I like Gretchen Rubin’s The Happiness Project and her take on decluttering.
posted by areaperson at 6:05 PM on February 19, 2020
Hi, I totally sympathize. I love stuff, but over the years I’ve become much more ruthless about letting go. A big part of becoming able to do this has been seeing how other people in my life, like my mom and my stepmom, have been burdened and their spaces made unpleasant by not letting go of stuff, including things that to me were obviously garbage.
Like, I sympathized with my mom’s attachment to her old skirt that she loved and used to wear all the time, it was beautiful, but now it was full of holes and so fragile it was unrepairable, and had been sitting in her mending basket for ten years. She never thought of it, except when we went through stuff and then all her old fond memories came up and she wanted to keep it. And that is dysfunctional, and it led to her home being cluttered with junk that obscured the many beautiful things she had.
And I could see how I was falling into similar patterns. That my space right NOW wasn’t nice, because I had too much and it didn’t fit, and so it didn’t matter so much what my vision of a future home might be, because this was my actual life. I wanted it to be nice now.
At the same time, I did hang onto certain things that I really did love but had no place for, and now that I do have more space I totally love using them and am so happy I kept them. I was able to store them out of sight, but I totally get that dilemma. I’m also glad I let go of a lot of other stuff.
I really benefited from Konmari, and I also recommend Dana White’s books. I read her second one, Decluttering at the Speed of Life, which has a completely different approach from Marie Kondo that might work better for you, or in tandem. She was a self described slob, which is refreshing since she really gets it. It doesn’t get into the emotional side of it much, but is practical and has good techniques.
posted by sumiami at 9:03 PM on February 23, 2020
Like, I sympathized with my mom’s attachment to her old skirt that she loved and used to wear all the time, it was beautiful, but now it was full of holes and so fragile it was unrepairable, and had been sitting in her mending basket for ten years. She never thought of it, except when we went through stuff and then all her old fond memories came up and she wanted to keep it. And that is dysfunctional, and it led to her home being cluttered with junk that obscured the many beautiful things she had.
And I could see how I was falling into similar patterns. That my space right NOW wasn’t nice, because I had too much and it didn’t fit, and so it didn’t matter so much what my vision of a future home might be, because this was my actual life. I wanted it to be nice now.
At the same time, I did hang onto certain things that I really did love but had no place for, and now that I do have more space I totally love using them and am so happy I kept them. I was able to store them out of sight, but I totally get that dilemma. I’m also glad I let go of a lot of other stuff.
I really benefited from Konmari, and I also recommend Dana White’s books. I read her second one, Decluttering at the Speed of Life, which has a completely different approach from Marie Kondo that might work better for you, or in tandem. She was a self described slob, which is refreshing since she really gets it. It doesn’t get into the emotional side of it much, but is practical and has good techniques.
posted by sumiami at 9:03 PM on February 23, 2020
One more thing. I work in a library and recently was shelving books about hoarding. I’m not suggesting you are a hoarder, but glancing at some of them, it seemed like they might address some of your questions about emotional attachments to stuff. That might possibly be a resource, if you can bear to read about the extreme end of this issue. Best of luck!
posted by sumiami at 12:20 PM on February 29, 2020
posted by sumiami at 12:20 PM on February 29, 2020
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For the category of stuff "not really useful but has a lot of emotional value" is to take photos of the objects before I give them away / sell them / throw them away.
For the category of stuff "really useful but I don't use it, oh and now I feel guilty again just looking at it because I should be (learning to play that guitar/wearing that expensive garment/reading that book) I remind myself that there is definitely somebody else out there who WILL use that thing and get an enormous amount of pleasure and value out of it. I donate the guitar to a school, the book to the library, and the clothing to a shelter.
I do think there is a lot of privilege tied up with decluttering. There can be an unspoken "why store it if you can just buy it again". Some of us can't buy it again!
posted by Zumbador at 3:41 AM on February 19, 2020