Losing weight - mental blocks
February 15, 2020 9:45 PM Subscribe
How to motivate myself to lose weight...
I feel paralyzed to lose weight.
I've gained over 70 pounds in the last ten years. I dealt with my depression mainly by using food as an emotional crutch and sleeping. I am very unhappy with the way I look right now, and furthermore, I'm afraid that at this rate, I won't make it beyond 40. I've tried many times to adopt healthier lifestyles, but give up not more than a week in.
I think my biggest challenge is getting past the mental barriers. It's almost as if I'm too paralyzed to do anything about the situation. I'm just on auto-pilot. I go to work (where I'm sitting all day), make the 1.5 hour commute back home (more sitting), eat crap when I get home, watch Netflix late into the night and then go to bed. Rinse and repeat. I do still have depression so I know that's a big barrier, and I live in a toxic environment (which I am trying to change, but for now it is the way it is). I have very little if any support from my family. They constantly tell me how horrible I look, my mother is always berating me for embarrassing her due to my weight gain, but still brings in very unhealthy foods home which I try to control myself from eating, but fail to (living with family at the moment). Point of saying all this is I feel like all of this has created an emotional/mental 'paralysis' in my head...I know exactly what to do to become healthier, I know how I've contributed to the situation I'm in, but I'm just too overwhelmed to fix it. I can only seem to go half-way. I'll go out and buy a bunch of work out equipment. But I'll just stare at it, and can't bring myself to use any of it. Same goes for food. I'll go and spend $200 on healthy groceries to cook, I'll even make some meals but will end up eating crappy food late at work or late at night when the cravings really hit.
I'm at a loss about what to do with myself. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.
I feel paralyzed to lose weight.
I've gained over 70 pounds in the last ten years. I dealt with my depression mainly by using food as an emotional crutch and sleeping. I am very unhappy with the way I look right now, and furthermore, I'm afraid that at this rate, I won't make it beyond 40. I've tried many times to adopt healthier lifestyles, but give up not more than a week in.
I think my biggest challenge is getting past the mental barriers. It's almost as if I'm too paralyzed to do anything about the situation. I'm just on auto-pilot. I go to work (where I'm sitting all day), make the 1.5 hour commute back home (more sitting), eat crap when I get home, watch Netflix late into the night and then go to bed. Rinse and repeat. I do still have depression so I know that's a big barrier, and I live in a toxic environment (which I am trying to change, but for now it is the way it is). I have very little if any support from my family. They constantly tell me how horrible I look, my mother is always berating me for embarrassing her due to my weight gain, but still brings in very unhealthy foods home which I try to control myself from eating, but fail to (living with family at the moment). Point of saying all this is I feel like all of this has created an emotional/mental 'paralysis' in my head...I know exactly what to do to become healthier, I know how I've contributed to the situation I'm in, but I'm just too overwhelmed to fix it. I can only seem to go half-way. I'll go out and buy a bunch of work out equipment. But I'll just stare at it, and can't bring myself to use any of it. Same goes for food. I'll go and spend $200 on healthy groceries to cook, I'll even make some meals but will end up eating crappy food late at work or late at night when the cravings really hit.
I'm at a loss about what to do with myself. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.
I did a perception shift when I realized willpower is not a finite resource but is instead like an emotion. You can't run out of joy or anger, it will ebb and flow. I can cultivate situations and mindsets where the emotions I want flow and the ones I do not want to dominate me don't.
Our society views willpower as a finite resource because we are pretty into self-limiting and making ourselves feel bad. It also lets people sell us a lot more products. The guilt and shame doesn't do us any service.
I know this is a thought exercise that will initially probably seem really fucking stupid, but what if you didn't have a bank of power inside you to resist all these things (and consequently was continually run to zero) but instead your willpower was like an emotion that was eternal and its ebb or flow wasn't a thing to judge harshly, but it was an opportunity to accept the parts you didn't like and build on those you did?
You can't always feel an emotion, but you can pause before you react to the ones you don't want to let dominate you. You're never depleted of a resource you need to do this. I let anger flow through me but not control me, resisting things I don't want isn't a thing I dwell on anymore because I let myself want them and sit with the want. Like my anger, it dissipates now. Or I do the thing because fuck it, I'm human and I want it. That's fine too sometimes.
I often think of a part in this Vanity Fair profile on Mr. Rogers when he encounters a boy holding a huge sword. He leans down and whispered something to the boy, who didn't want to hug Mr. Rogers, and the kid looked thunderstruck. I think all the time about what Mr. Rogers told him, knowing that the kid was carrying a big weapon to feel strong, and what he said was, "You know you're strong on the inside too?"
edit: I'm trying to say I believe in you, but you have to believe in yourself too. Previous failures don't matter, you can't change them. There is only forward. For me, therapy, medication, consideration and much research helped.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 11:08 PM on February 15, 2020 [25 favorites]
Our society views willpower as a finite resource because we are pretty into self-limiting and making ourselves feel bad. It also lets people sell us a lot more products. The guilt and shame doesn't do us any service.
I know this is a thought exercise that will initially probably seem really fucking stupid, but what if you didn't have a bank of power inside you to resist all these things (and consequently was continually run to zero) but instead your willpower was like an emotion that was eternal and its ebb or flow wasn't a thing to judge harshly, but it was an opportunity to accept the parts you didn't like and build on those you did?
You can't always feel an emotion, but you can pause before you react to the ones you don't want to let dominate you. You're never depleted of a resource you need to do this. I let anger flow through me but not control me, resisting things I don't want isn't a thing I dwell on anymore because I let myself want them and sit with the want. Like my anger, it dissipates now. Or I do the thing because fuck it, I'm human and I want it. That's fine too sometimes.
I often think of a part in this Vanity Fair profile on Mr. Rogers when he encounters a boy holding a huge sword. He leans down and whispered something to the boy, who didn't want to hug Mr. Rogers, and the kid looked thunderstruck. I think all the time about what Mr. Rogers told him, knowing that the kid was carrying a big weapon to feel strong, and what he said was, "You know you're strong on the inside too?"
edit: I'm trying to say I believe in you, but you have to believe in yourself too. Previous failures don't matter, you can't change them. There is only forward. For me, therapy, medication, consideration and much research helped.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 11:08 PM on February 15, 2020 [25 favorites]
I'm sorry for your situation. Losing weight is extremely difficult to do, especially when you are in circumstances which do not support it.
If it is possible to change your situation, try to do that before worrying about your weight. Similarly, if at all possible, try to seek counseling, although its likely that your depression is related to your circumstances so if you can modify them, do so.
When it comes to weight, it's important to remember that target weight often matters less than having a healthy diet, if you can manage the latter but still maintain your weight then that would still be a positive thing. The other thing to realise is that diets do not tend to work, they are often short term effective but do not lead to long term weight loss.
You need to be able to identify a simple diet that you can stick to, it doesn't need to be Spartan and ideally should be enjoyable. When it comes to cooking, I would recommend focusing on easy meals like stir frys which cook very quickly, taste delicious, and you can pack with veg.
The temptation of snack food is very difficult, and one I struggle with. It sounds like this won't be effective, but can you try explaining to your mother that it would support you to not purchase said foods? One thing that has worked for me in the past when I can't stop others from buying unhealthy food has been to convince myself that it is for someone else, and that taking it would be unfair; I don't know if such a thing would be effective for you
Finally if you do want to lose weight a key part will be finding a n exercise routine you can stick to. I recently surprised myself by trying couch to 5k. I honestly thought I wasn't the sort of person who could run, and have been really pleased with the results. Because it comes in app form I was able to mix it with podcasts which made exercise feel less of a chore. Running is relatively cheap, the main investment is time and decent footware.
The other thing I have used which has been a good resource has been need fitness, this link in particular is a very simple routine that doesn't take that long and can be done with very little equipment.
The key thing for me is to set simple, achievable goals around finding time for exercise and simple meals, and building from that.
Good luck, I know this is really hard, and don't kick yourself if you stumble along the way. This stuff is really hard to commit to but you can do it.
posted by Cannon Fodder at 12:52 AM on February 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
If it is possible to change your situation, try to do that before worrying about your weight. Similarly, if at all possible, try to seek counseling, although its likely that your depression is related to your circumstances so if you can modify them, do so.
When it comes to weight, it's important to remember that target weight often matters less than having a healthy diet, if you can manage the latter but still maintain your weight then that would still be a positive thing. The other thing to realise is that diets do not tend to work, they are often short term effective but do not lead to long term weight loss.
You need to be able to identify a simple diet that you can stick to, it doesn't need to be Spartan and ideally should be enjoyable. When it comes to cooking, I would recommend focusing on easy meals like stir frys which cook very quickly, taste delicious, and you can pack with veg.
The temptation of snack food is very difficult, and one I struggle with. It sounds like this won't be effective, but can you try explaining to your mother that it would support you to not purchase said foods? One thing that has worked for me in the past when I can't stop others from buying unhealthy food has been to convince myself that it is for someone else, and that taking it would be unfair; I don't know if such a thing would be effective for you
Finally if you do want to lose weight a key part will be finding a n exercise routine you can stick to. I recently surprised myself by trying couch to 5k. I honestly thought I wasn't the sort of person who could run, and have been really pleased with the results. Because it comes in app form I was able to mix it with podcasts which made exercise feel less of a chore. Running is relatively cheap, the main investment is time and decent footware.
The other thing I have used which has been a good resource has been need fitness, this link in particular is a very simple routine that doesn't take that long and can be done with very little equipment.
The key thing for me is to set simple, achievable goals around finding time for exercise and simple meals, and building from that.
Good luck, I know this is really hard, and don't kick yourself if you stumble along the way. This stuff is really hard to commit to but you can do it.
posted by Cannon Fodder at 12:52 AM on February 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
Seconding Cannon Fodder. Losing weight is very difficult because our bodies are wired to resist weight loss. Achieving weight loss by willpower alone is not impossible but difficult and often counterproductive.
In your particular situation i think I'd try really hard to move out and find a place that's closer to work. If your commute is 1.5 hours each way, that's three hours of your day that you could spend getting meaningful rest and then going for a walk.
In terms of diet, I'd start not by depriving myself of tempting snacks but by adding healthy snacks. When I slide into eating unhealthily, I tend to forget how yummy healthy food can be. Just eating a few healthy, tasty meals helps me recalibrate my taste so that I crave more healthy food.
Your mom complaining about your weight and then bringing you unhealthy food sounds like a conscious or subconscious way to control you. Move out if you can.
Finally, find one small thing you can add to your day to be more active, like using the stairs instead of the elevator if possible.
Oh and one small thing is finding a beverage that you like that does not contain sugar. Do you like tea? You can drink a different tea every day.
Good luck.
posted by M. at 1:42 AM on February 16, 2020 [3 favorites]
In your particular situation i think I'd try really hard to move out and find a place that's closer to work. If your commute is 1.5 hours each way, that's three hours of your day that you could spend getting meaningful rest and then going for a walk.
In terms of diet, I'd start not by depriving myself of tempting snacks but by adding healthy snacks. When I slide into eating unhealthily, I tend to forget how yummy healthy food can be. Just eating a few healthy, tasty meals helps me recalibrate my taste so that I crave more healthy food.
Your mom complaining about your weight and then bringing you unhealthy food sounds like a conscious or subconscious way to control you. Move out if you can.
Finally, find one small thing you can add to your day to be more active, like using the stairs instead of the elevator if possible.
Oh and one small thing is finding a beverage that you like that does not contain sugar. Do you like tea? You can drink a different tea every day.
Good luck.
posted by M. at 1:42 AM on February 16, 2020 [3 favorites]
Wellbutrin, one of the most common antidepressants, had the unexpected side effect of making me lose a bunch of weight. I wasn't very overweight, so I think I hit a baseline low at some point. This isn't a guaranteed side effect but it is common. Could kill two (or more) birds with one stone, and could go e you the boost you need to move you in the direction of taking more steps to help you lose weight and gain more overall control over your life. Best of luck to you- this situation sounds shitty, and you don't deserve to be bullied by your family.
posted by erattacorrige at 2:47 AM on February 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by erattacorrige at 2:47 AM on February 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
Try getting out of the rut. Don't immediately commute home to the place that feeds your negative situation. Changing routine and limiting time there are a way to change the habits into something more positive.
Do things for yourself after work. Go to the gym or walk the block or sit in a dog park; basically anything else that sustains your soul. Help yourself to be in a mode where you can actively pursue the good advice above.
posted by mightshould at 3:22 AM on February 16, 2020 [1 favorite]
Do things for yourself after work. Go to the gym or walk the block or sit in a dog park; basically anything else that sustains your soul. Help yourself to be in a mode where you can actively pursue the good advice above.
posted by mightshould at 3:22 AM on February 16, 2020 [1 favorite]
Try taking evening classes to break up the rut. I know that doesn’t sound like diet advice (although if they were healthy cooking or exercise classes that would help) but it is about breaking patterns, specifically sitting watching Netflix and eating. You could learn an instrument or a craft, and having your hands doing that also is a break.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:42 AM on February 16, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by warriorqueen at 4:42 AM on February 16, 2020 [3 favorites]
I think you are trying to make a lot of change at once, which isn't reasonable. I'm going to Nth that people have limited will power. Try to change one habit at a time. Maybe try switching one sugary drinks a day to water as your goal. Work on a goal for a few weeks before adding a second healthy habit. Taking a 15 minute walk, switching chips to an apple, drinking less alcohol are all habit you can build into your regular routine slowly. Then they're on autopilot and you don't have to fight for them. Switching a bunch of habits at once is basically impossible for most humans.
Also, commuting 90 minutes seems awful. Maybe one of your first goals could be finding a new job or a new housing situation to change it. You're likely spending a bunch of your willpower surviving right now. Maybe try to get your basic needs met like comfortable housing or job near affordable housing and then work on walking? I'm sorry life has been hard. But I think a lot of people have hard runs and then get to a better place, and it looks like you're hopping on that path too.
posted by Kalmya at 5:03 AM on February 16, 2020 [3 favorites]
Also, commuting 90 minutes seems awful. Maybe one of your first goals could be finding a new job or a new housing situation to change it. You're likely spending a bunch of your willpower surviving right now. Maybe try to get your basic needs met like comfortable housing or job near affordable housing and then work on walking? I'm sorry life has been hard. But I think a lot of people have hard runs and then get to a better place, and it looks like you're hopping on that path too.
posted by Kalmya at 5:03 AM on February 16, 2020 [3 favorites]
I complained to my doctor about being a stress eater and she said "Ok, but could you eat a damn vegetable?" And of course I was thinking no, it has to be Doritos but I did decide to at least try with the veggies since they are good for me, regardless.
So I started buying pre-cut veggies at the store. Carrots, celery, broccoli, cauliflower, snow peas, mushrooms, and baby tomatoes. And a container of hummus (Oasis brand is low in fat). Plus fruit like strawberries, apples and clementines. Then every day I fill up a plate with veggies and a blob of hummus, and munch on that until it is gone, and then finish up with a serving or two of fruit. I find on weeks where I do this consistently I tend to lose weight, and I feel better in general. It's not really hard because I'm adding a thing, not restricting. I will also say that I make myself eat it whether I think I want it or not. (I can hear the intuitive eaters howling right now, but honestly the only thing my body wants if I leave it to its own devices is donuts, candy and chips.) I generally enjoy the veggies once I get started, and on the occasions that I'm just meh about it all the way through, I'll let myself have something else when I'm finished.) A lot of the time I find I don't want anything else.
Another thing to do is try drinking more water. Don't make it an all or nothing goal like thinking you have to drink 8 glasses a day, or a gallon, or some other amount that makes you feel despair. Just add a glass or two a day. Sometimes cravings are caused by being dehydrated and adding just a bit more water helps.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 8:15 AM on February 16, 2020 [13 favorites]
So I started buying pre-cut veggies at the store. Carrots, celery, broccoli, cauliflower, snow peas, mushrooms, and baby tomatoes. And a container of hummus (Oasis brand is low in fat). Plus fruit like strawberries, apples and clementines. Then every day I fill up a plate with veggies and a blob of hummus, and munch on that until it is gone, and then finish up with a serving or two of fruit. I find on weeks where I do this consistently I tend to lose weight, and I feel better in general. It's not really hard because I'm adding a thing, not restricting. I will also say that I make myself eat it whether I think I want it or not. (I can hear the intuitive eaters howling right now, but honestly the only thing my body wants if I leave it to its own devices is donuts, candy and chips.) I generally enjoy the veggies once I get started, and on the occasions that I'm just meh about it all the way through, I'll let myself have something else when I'm finished.) A lot of the time I find I don't want anything else.
Another thing to do is try drinking more water. Don't make it an all or nothing goal like thinking you have to drink 8 glasses a day, or a gallon, or some other amount that makes you feel despair. Just add a glass or two a day. Sometimes cravings are caused by being dehydrated and adding just a bit more water helps.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 8:15 AM on February 16, 2020 [13 favorites]
Can you join a gym near work? Basically work out leisurely for over an hour, watch Netflix on the treadmill, pack some snacks for the commute home, and then get home just to sleep? I would get a locker too, so you can keep your stuff there while you figure out a routine. Blink gyms are cheap and nice if you have one near your office.
For example choose a gym with a nice locker room so you can feel clean while showering and changing. Your last shower of the day can be at the gym. Pack some clean sweats for the commute home. When you get home have a plan for what you will eat. Maybe its just a yogurt or a soup. Go to bed.
If you do this for a while you will start to see improvements in mood and energy and eating habits. Weight loss will happen eventually. You will need to make some food rules for yourself, like the yogurt or soup thing, but you'll start to eat better as you gain energy and your mood improves.
Also you will be avoiding your family, which doesn't sound bad.
posted by perdhapley at 8:19 AM on February 16, 2020 [6 favorites]
For example choose a gym with a nice locker room so you can feel clean while showering and changing. Your last shower of the day can be at the gym. Pack some clean sweats for the commute home. When you get home have a plan for what you will eat. Maybe its just a yogurt or a soup. Go to bed.
If you do this for a while you will start to see improvements in mood and energy and eating habits. Weight loss will happen eventually. You will need to make some food rules for yourself, like the yogurt or soup thing, but you'll start to eat better as you gain energy and your mood improves.
Also you will be avoiding your family, which doesn't sound bad.
posted by perdhapley at 8:19 AM on February 16, 2020 [6 favorites]
You have a bunch of barriers, so you need a plan. A plan to move away from family and towards a happier environment is 1st. Get out of the house. Gym, library, classes. You need a plan for therapy to deal with depression. Diet literally means what you eat and you aren't able to get control of that at home, but you can add healthy food to whatever junk is present. Buy apples. When you open the fridge, or head to the kitchen, ask yourself, Am I hungry enough to eat an apple? If yes, eat an apple. If you're still hungry, have the donut. This helps you retrain your eating habits. Is the water good where you live? Drink more of it. Diet sodas do not help with weight loss. If the water isn't great, get a filter pitcher. Start adding a cup of water before every meal or snack. Carry a water bottle with you and get in the habit of drinking water.
Exercise. Adult education has exercise classes, or a gym. Or just start walking. Park farther away from the store and work. Take the stairs. Your town probably has walking trails, check them out. Start a side job walking dogs. Exercise is really good for depression. You may read all sorts of articles saying you can't burn off enough calories, blah, blah. Exercise is key to health, and developing an exercise habit will make you feel so much better. Check meetup or maybe craigslist for a walking group.
I have a list of weight loss tips that help me. You deserve to feel better. You deserve fun and friends and a good life.
posted by theora55 at 9:24 AM on February 16, 2020 [1 favorite]
Exercise. Adult education has exercise classes, or a gym. Or just start walking. Park farther away from the store and work. Take the stairs. Your town probably has walking trails, check them out. Start a side job walking dogs. Exercise is really good for depression. You may read all sorts of articles saying you can't burn off enough calories, blah, blah. Exercise is key to health, and developing an exercise habit will make you feel so much better. Check meetup or maybe craigslist for a walking group.
I have a list of weight loss tips that help me. You deserve to feel better. You deserve fun and friends and a good life.
posted by theora55 at 9:24 AM on February 16, 2020 [1 favorite]
I'll join the chorus of people saying that your mom is consciously or unconsciously sabotaging your attempts to lose weight. It's not about will power -- it's about not being surrounded by food that is purposely designed to be additive.
Lots of great tips above. If you want to try Couch to 5 K, there is a delightful version that's free from the NHS. The presenter is the incredibly nice Laura, who is so lovely and encouraging, and the music is unintentionally hilarious. You can download it outside the UK.
posted by EllaEm at 9:26 AM on February 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
Lots of great tips above. If you want to try Couch to 5 K, there is a delightful version that's free from the NHS. The presenter is the incredibly nice Laura, who is so lovely and encouraging, and the music is unintentionally hilarious. You can download it outside the UK.
posted by EllaEm at 9:26 AM on February 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
Also you have correctly identified that you are in a rut. Changing that is not about getting the right motivation. It's about doing one thing differently, but doing that one thing thoughtfully and sustainably
posted by perdhapley at 9:47 AM on February 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by perdhapley at 9:47 AM on February 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
There's a school of evidence-based therapy, ACT, that can help you here. There are all sorts of resources online if you don't want to go the extra mile of finding an ACT therapist, and I also recommend Steven C. Hayes' workbook, "Get Out Of Your Mind And Into Your Life." Hayes' website has additional free resources, if you're interested.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 10:17 AM on February 16, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 10:17 AM on February 16, 2020 [1 favorite]
All of the advice above is great, and (thank heavens) I am about to enter semi-retirement and work from home (after 22 years of a 1.25 hour commute each way). And yes, my reasons for eating are emotional/comfort and my consistency at exercise is very spotty (as proven by the FitNotes app I use).
So that was just to say I have deep empathy for you and want to encourage you to not lose hope! Also, when you say you know how to lose weight, in recent years a number of popular theories have been debunked, so don't oversimplify your plan of attack.
For instance, the chief "pump" for losing weight is your lungs, 84% of weight loss is CO2 and 16% water in some form (source), so eat less and move more.
Also a calorie is not a calorie, sugar, and its exact form, and the manner in which it is consumed (and whether with or without accompanying fiber) and its effect on the body, is the enemy (very long but convincing source).
posted by forthright at 12:06 PM on February 16, 2020
So that was just to say I have deep empathy for you and want to encourage you to not lose hope! Also, when you say you know how to lose weight, in recent years a number of popular theories have been debunked, so don't oversimplify your plan of attack.
For instance, the chief "pump" for losing weight is your lungs, 84% of weight loss is CO2 and 16% water in some form (source), so eat less and move more.
Also a calorie is not a calorie, sugar, and its exact form, and the manner in which it is consumed (and whether with or without accompanying fiber) and its effect on the body, is the enemy (very long but convincing source).
posted by forthright at 12:06 PM on February 16, 2020
Echoing that your problem isn’t the weight, your problem is the reason you’re overeating - your family. Get away from them and you can then start to tackle the food issues. I’m sorry you’re going through this, it sounds horrible.
posted by Jubey at 2:37 PM on February 16, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by Jubey at 2:37 PM on February 16, 2020 [1 favorite]
Weight loss using only will power is incredibly hard. Make an appointment with your doctor and get a referral to a weight loss doctor. It will most likely be a long wait depending on where you are. But talk to them about options for weight loss- there are *SO* many out there now- one is a combination of Wellbutrin and naltrexone (which is an anti-addiction drug.) There is also a diabetes drug that is now used for weight loss- that has had great results as well. You don't have to do it alone- use resources that are available to you.
posted by momochan at 3:02 PM on February 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by momochan at 3:02 PM on February 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you to everyone who took the time to offer me advice and words of encouragement. I sincerely appreciate it.
I'm going to read through through all the resources you guys mentioned, and start this journey tomorrow with small, manageable tasks and weekly healthy behaviour goals. Started with a 20-min walk today...
posted by KTN at 7:27 PM on February 16, 2020 [8 favorites]
I'm going to read through through all the resources you guys mentioned, and start this journey tomorrow with small, manageable tasks and weekly healthy behaviour goals. Started with a 20-min walk today...
posted by KTN at 7:27 PM on February 16, 2020 [8 favorites]
I'm going to memail you.
Just saw your update. You go!!!! Take it one day at a time. Remember the clock always resets at midnight. It's a new day with new choices to make.
posted by kathrynm at 7:36 PM on February 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
Just saw your update. You go!!!! Take it one day at a time. Remember the clock always resets at midnight. It's a new day with new choices to make.
posted by kathrynm at 7:36 PM on February 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
Congratulations on your 20-minute walk!
Other thoughts: don't beat yourself up about losing weight; try, if you can, to be compassionate towards yourself about it. Beating yourself up (or rather, other people beating you up and planting that inner monologue) is why this rut has taken hold. Remember that the stage was set for this in many ways that were beyond your control: shitty food is wildly abundant and cheap, the body wants to hold onto fat due to evolution/ historical food scarcity, your family and overall society has unrealistic expectations for beauty and shames people for not being the ideal, etc. etc.
If you want, you can memail me anytime if you feel down or just want to rant. My mom and brother always bullied me about my weight throughout life, up to as recently as last year (when I was 29). I started drawing super firm lines in response to the unsolicited commentary. If my mom said, "SUCK IN!" while taking my photo, I would firmly reply, "that's enough." Or if dear mother said, "If only you lost 10 pounds, you'd have the perfect body," I would reply, "my body is not up for discussion." When my brother said, "You can't eat that! You'll get FAT!" to me last Thanksgiving, I replied, calmly, "fuck you." NOT that you need to use my scripting; I prefer to go extremely direct with my approach because my family has zero boundaries and have a lifetime history of being mega-assholes to me, so I don't feel the need to mince words or spare feelings. However, your situation is unique to you. There is a good Emily Post etiquette podcast that discusses how to respond to rude comments and unsolicited opinions.
Because you're getting advice to change a ton of things in your life, it seems unlikely that it will happen all at once. But in the short term, you can use your words to enforce boundaries with your family at home-until you move out.
It will take courage and practice. Consider saying aloud to yourself when you're alone, "that's enough," or "alright, moving on" or "this topic is not up for discussion" as a way to practice for when your family says something cruel to you about your body.
Also, many gyms have exercise classes, and many neighborhoods have running or walking groups that get together to exercise. Making weight loss more fun and socially supported will go a long way.
Last, you're not alone. Many, many people feel similarly. You have courage to seek change. Not everyone can say that.
posted by erattacorrige at 7:50 PM on February 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
Other thoughts: don't beat yourself up about losing weight; try, if you can, to be compassionate towards yourself about it. Beating yourself up (or rather, other people beating you up and planting that inner monologue) is why this rut has taken hold. Remember that the stage was set for this in many ways that were beyond your control: shitty food is wildly abundant and cheap, the body wants to hold onto fat due to evolution/ historical food scarcity, your family and overall society has unrealistic expectations for beauty and shames people for not being the ideal, etc. etc.
If you want, you can memail me anytime if you feel down or just want to rant. My mom and brother always bullied me about my weight throughout life, up to as recently as last year (when I was 29). I started drawing super firm lines in response to the unsolicited commentary. If my mom said, "SUCK IN!" while taking my photo, I would firmly reply, "that's enough." Or if dear mother said, "If only you lost 10 pounds, you'd have the perfect body," I would reply, "my body is not up for discussion." When my brother said, "You can't eat that! You'll get FAT!" to me last Thanksgiving, I replied, calmly, "fuck you." NOT that you need to use my scripting; I prefer to go extremely direct with my approach because my family has zero boundaries and have a lifetime history of being mega-assholes to me, so I don't feel the need to mince words or spare feelings. However, your situation is unique to you. There is a good Emily Post etiquette podcast that discusses how to respond to rude comments and unsolicited opinions.
Because you're getting advice to change a ton of things in your life, it seems unlikely that it will happen all at once. But in the short term, you can use your words to enforce boundaries with your family at home-until you move out.
It will take courage and practice. Consider saying aloud to yourself when you're alone, "that's enough," or "alright, moving on" or "this topic is not up for discussion" as a way to practice for when your family says something cruel to you about your body.
Also, many gyms have exercise classes, and many neighborhoods have running or walking groups that get together to exercise. Making weight loss more fun and socially supported will go a long way.
Last, you're not alone. Many, many people feel similarly. You have courage to seek change. Not everyone can say that.
posted by erattacorrige at 7:50 PM on February 16, 2020 [2 favorites]
OnTheLastCastle: "I did a perception shift when I realized willpower is not a finite resource but is instead like an emotion."
Wow, I was certain you were incorrect, but it turns out you're right, the 'ego depletion' theory is being repeatedly disproved.
posted by WCityMike at 4:11 PM on February 16 [+] [!]
That article is written by Nir Eyal who wrote Indistractible which that article is from. Great book.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 6:58 AM on February 17, 2020 [1 favorite]
Wow, I was certain you were incorrect, but it turns out you're right, the 'ego depletion' theory is being repeatedly disproved.
posted by WCityMike at 4:11 PM on February 16 [+] [!]
That article is written by Nir Eyal who wrote Indistractible which that article is from. Great book.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 6:58 AM on February 17, 2020 [1 favorite]
I lost about 50-60 pounds, depending on how you count, by falling in love with bicycling.
This isn't a solution for everyone, but if you CAN find a reasonably social and reasonably strenuous thing to do that you actually like doing, it can go a LONG way. I'm getting the exercise "for free" because I love riding with my friends.
But even with that, because middle age and whatnot, I still needed to be more careful about what I ate. My wife turned me on to My Fitness Pal, which is an app you can use to track food intake -- not just calories but also macronutrients. It's made a huge difference for me because it gameifys the process to a degree. For one thing, it tracks "streaks", and not breaking a streak is a powerful motivator for me.
You have complicating factors that I don't have, so it may be that none of this is helpful, but I offer it on the off chance that it might be.
Also, This Random Internet Stranger supports you.
posted by uberchet at 7:01 AM on February 17, 2020 [1 favorite]
This isn't a solution for everyone, but if you CAN find a reasonably social and reasonably strenuous thing to do that you actually like doing, it can go a LONG way. I'm getting the exercise "for free" because I love riding with my friends.
But even with that, because middle age and whatnot, I still needed to be more careful about what I ate. My wife turned me on to My Fitness Pal, which is an app you can use to track food intake -- not just calories but also macronutrients. It's made a huge difference for me because it gameifys the process to a degree. For one thing, it tracks "streaks", and not breaking a streak is a powerful motivator for me.
You have complicating factors that I don't have, so it may be that none of this is helpful, but I offer it on the off chance that it might be.
Also, This Random Internet Stranger supports you.
posted by uberchet at 7:01 AM on February 17, 2020 [1 favorite]
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Step two: talk to a doctor about getting some treatment for your depression.
You're in a bad situation and you're using food to soothe. Other people would drink, use drugs, have risky sex, be in a shitty relationship--the point is, the psychology of eating is tremendously complex, but there are certain things that are just objectively going to make it a lot harder for almost anyone to eat and work out the way they think is best for them. It's as if you're trying to work out, but someone's chained anchors to your feet. Get rid of the anchors, and you at least are moving the difficulty setting towards "normal."
posted by praemunire at 10:33 PM on February 15, 2020 [13 favorites]