Strategies for dealing with an exhausting colleague
February 15, 2020 7:09 AM Subscribe
I have a colleague who's really draining to deal with. I try to be compassionate with her, but I'm more or less at the end of my rope. Help me cut her off politely but firmly.
I have a colleague I’ll call Peggy. We’ve both been working here quite a while (we actually started on the same day). I’ll be honest and say I’m not wild about her for various reasons, but the only one that’s relevant here is that she’s a champion complainer. Nothing here is to her liking: the hours, the work, her colleagues, the policies — nothing. I’m barely exaggerating when I say that she more or less started complaining from the day she got here and hasn’t stopped since. (One of my colleagues worked with her elsewhere and said she was the same way there.)
I managed to stay out of Peggy’s way for a bunch of years just because I sat in a different location, but about a year ago, I moved to the office next door to her, which she shares. She works from home most of the time (which she’s permitted to do even though very few other people are), so she’s here perhaps twice a week, but more often only once a week. It’s gotten so I dread the days when she’s here, because I know I’m going to be subject to an hour of whining and carrying on about how awful it is to work here. (Side note: it isn’t awful to work here, but that’s beside the point.) Just to give you an example, at one point, when there was a policy change that she didn’t care for, she compared our boss to Hitler. For one thing, that’s an amazingly stupid analogy, since our boss, as it happens, is a lovely person and is very well liked by his people. But even if it weren’t a stupid analogy, I kinda take a dim view of most people being compared to Hitler, especially when the comparison arises from a work policy change you don’t care for, FFS. She also comes in ranting and raving about how such and such a policy is “employee abuse” (it isn’t); how she’s wasted the past N years of her life working here (I can’t say if that’s true, but even if it is, it’s a matter for her therapist, not me); and how she’s in a really bad place because this job has ruined her life (again, not a matter I can do anything about).
To make it more difficult, she's a physically imposing person, and she does this thing that I actually find somewhat unsettling where she just stares at you when you say something she doesn’t like. So if she says, “This job has ruined my life” and I respond, “Well, I’m sorry you’re so unhappy,” she’ll just hard stare at me for five to ten seconds, waiting for me to say something more to her liking, I guess? I don’t really know. (I don’t find this as unsettling as I used to, and now I mostly find it annoying.)
I think the last straw for me was when she came in one day to pick up an assignment and it was late. Like clockwork, she came into my office ranting and raving about how she had traveled all this way to get the assignment and it wasn’t ready and she didn’t ask for much but blah blah blah, and finished with, “You know, I could have been gardening today!” Instead of throttling her, which is what I wanted to do, I just said rather sharply, “Yes, well, Peggy, I think we’d all rather be gardening, but it *is* Wednesday.” She just sort of snorted and walked away.
I try to be sympathetic for a couple of reasons: first of all, I outrank her, and I’ve sensed some bitterness from her about that. I also generally feel sorry for her; I’m not going to get into details here, but she’s had a tough row to hoe in a few ways. So I try to be compassionate to her, but the fatigue is really setting in.
So I don’t want to snap at her too much, but I definitely need to set boundaries with her, as this is beginning to affect my own mental health. Specifically, I’m wondering if people can help me come up with some scripts to make clear, politely but firmly, that I’m finished having the same conversation with her over and over again. I actually don’t have trouble dealing people who are just over-the-line inappropriate; there was one guy here who made racist and sexist remarks and I would actually tell him, in these words, to get the hell out of my office this second. (He was eventually forced to retire.) But I’d like to tread more carefully around Peggy for the reasons I stated above.
If it makes a difference, we're both women.
I have a colleague I’ll call Peggy. We’ve both been working here quite a while (we actually started on the same day). I’ll be honest and say I’m not wild about her for various reasons, but the only one that’s relevant here is that she’s a champion complainer. Nothing here is to her liking: the hours, the work, her colleagues, the policies — nothing. I’m barely exaggerating when I say that she more or less started complaining from the day she got here and hasn’t stopped since. (One of my colleagues worked with her elsewhere and said she was the same way there.)
I managed to stay out of Peggy’s way for a bunch of years just because I sat in a different location, but about a year ago, I moved to the office next door to her, which she shares. She works from home most of the time (which she’s permitted to do even though very few other people are), so she’s here perhaps twice a week, but more often only once a week. It’s gotten so I dread the days when she’s here, because I know I’m going to be subject to an hour of whining and carrying on about how awful it is to work here. (Side note: it isn’t awful to work here, but that’s beside the point.) Just to give you an example, at one point, when there was a policy change that she didn’t care for, she compared our boss to Hitler. For one thing, that’s an amazingly stupid analogy, since our boss, as it happens, is a lovely person and is very well liked by his people. But even if it weren’t a stupid analogy, I kinda take a dim view of most people being compared to Hitler, especially when the comparison arises from a work policy change you don’t care for, FFS. She also comes in ranting and raving about how such and such a policy is “employee abuse” (it isn’t); how she’s wasted the past N years of her life working here (I can’t say if that’s true, but even if it is, it’s a matter for her therapist, not me); and how she’s in a really bad place because this job has ruined her life (again, not a matter I can do anything about).
To make it more difficult, she's a physically imposing person, and she does this thing that I actually find somewhat unsettling where she just stares at you when you say something she doesn’t like. So if she says, “This job has ruined my life” and I respond, “Well, I’m sorry you’re so unhappy,” she’ll just hard stare at me for five to ten seconds, waiting for me to say something more to her liking, I guess? I don’t really know. (I don’t find this as unsettling as I used to, and now I mostly find it annoying.)
I think the last straw for me was when she came in one day to pick up an assignment and it was late. Like clockwork, she came into my office ranting and raving about how she had traveled all this way to get the assignment and it wasn’t ready and she didn’t ask for much but blah blah blah, and finished with, “You know, I could have been gardening today!” Instead of throttling her, which is what I wanted to do, I just said rather sharply, “Yes, well, Peggy, I think we’d all rather be gardening, but it *is* Wednesday.” She just sort of snorted and walked away.
I try to be sympathetic for a couple of reasons: first of all, I outrank her, and I’ve sensed some bitterness from her about that. I also generally feel sorry for her; I’m not going to get into details here, but she’s had a tough row to hoe in a few ways. So I try to be compassionate to her, but the fatigue is really setting in.
So I don’t want to snap at her too much, but I definitely need to set boundaries with her, as this is beginning to affect my own mental health. Specifically, I’m wondering if people can help me come up with some scripts to make clear, politely but firmly, that I’m finished having the same conversation with her over and over again. I actually don’t have trouble dealing people who are just over-the-line inappropriate; there was one guy here who made racist and sexist remarks and I would actually tell him, in these words, to get the hell out of my office this second. (He was eventually forced to retire.) But I’d like to tread more carefully around Peggy for the reasons I stated above.
If it makes a difference, we're both women.
I know this is sneaky, because it's a white lie. I just feel like sometimes they're okay, if you don't have faith that a person will react okay to the truth and you just need to protect yourself and not elicit aggressive behaviour or a counter productive reaction. Feel free to discard though.
posted by starstarstar at 7:55 AM on February 15, 2020
posted by starstarstar at 7:55 AM on February 15, 2020
I have kind of the opposite approach - I find this kind of person really does not like a Pollyanna-type reaction, so I ramp that up (I’m generally pretty cheerful, but there is a time and a place and I wouldn’t generally react to a rant in such an oblivious way).
So:
“This job has ruined my life”
“Oh that’s so weird you feel that way, I LOVE working here! I really like the work life balance, and the team here are such amazing people! Let me tell you a long story about how amazing everyone is!”
“You know, I could have been gardening today”
“Aw man, I love gardening. My clematis is growing really well this year, I hope I’ll have a lot of flowers in summer! Blah blah flowers gardens”
I don’t have a garden, so I would be segueing onto another topic here. But still one I can enthuse mindlessly about. I can witter for England if I choose too.
Ask a Manager has a lot of scripts for polite disagreement, if you don’t feel like you want to fake airheadedness over a prolonged period of time. Things like “oh that hasn’t been my experience”, “what a strange thing to say”, “I’ve always found Jane to be a great manager”. You can definitely disagree. And if she stares at you, smile back, then say “nice chatting today Peggy!” and go back to your work. Don’t fill the silence with backtracking, she is doing that on purpose.
posted by tinkletown at 8:14 AM on February 15, 2020 [31 favorites]
So:
“This job has ruined my life”
“Oh that’s so weird you feel that way, I LOVE working here! I really like the work life balance, and the team here are such amazing people! Let me tell you a long story about how amazing everyone is!”
“You know, I could have been gardening today”
“Aw man, I love gardening. My clematis is growing really well this year, I hope I’ll have a lot of flowers in summer! Blah blah flowers gardens”
I don’t have a garden, so I would be segueing onto another topic here. But still one I can enthuse mindlessly about. I can witter for England if I choose too.
Ask a Manager has a lot of scripts for polite disagreement, if you don’t feel like you want to fake airheadedness over a prolonged period of time. Things like “oh that hasn’t been my experience”, “what a strange thing to say”, “I’ve always found Jane to be a great manager”. You can definitely disagree. And if she stares at you, smile back, then say “nice chatting today Peggy!” and go back to your work. Don’t fill the silence with backtracking, she is doing that on purpose.
posted by tinkletown at 8:14 AM on February 15, 2020 [31 favorites]
Make yourself a totally unreceptive audience. Respond with short, to the point contradiction.
"I think the management here is excellent."
"I appreciate that policy, it makes a lot of sense."
"most people here are very nice, I've found."
"this is probably the best company I've ever worked at."
Then she will give you that hostile silence. Good! Silence is fine. When she does her staring thing, look straight into her eyes and stay silent. After 3 seconds you can turn your attention away and say "have a good day Peggy, I have to get back to this."
(by the way, this is the most compassionate thing you can do. This lady is shooting herself in the foot with this stuff. If by some miracle you can show her that it's not acceptable work behavior, you may save her from a firing.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:30 AM on February 15, 2020 [13 favorites]
"I think the management here is excellent."
"I appreciate that policy, it makes a lot of sense."
"most people here are very nice, I've found."
"this is probably the best company I've ever worked at."
Then she will give you that hostile silence. Good! Silence is fine. When she does her staring thing, look straight into her eyes and stay silent. After 3 seconds you can turn your attention away and say "have a good day Peggy, I have to get back to this."
(by the way, this is the most compassionate thing you can do. This lady is shooting herself in the foot with this stuff. If by some miracle you can show her that it's not acceptable work behavior, you may save her from a firing.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:30 AM on February 15, 2020 [13 favorites]
People who are chronic complainers don't realize the extent of their complaining. It's a very bad habit and they are often completely unaware how much complaining they are doing and how it comes across. They also believe complaining is justified because they believe they are true victims. It's a view that is hard to permeate and break because they are so locked down in their victimhood. Her complaining probably has no purpose and not intended to bring about change.
She has a choice not to work at current workplace if it's so bad. She might not want a choice. She prefers to stay as victim and complains instead. It feels good to the ego and allows her to feel superior to institutions and others who are allegedly oppressing her. She believes the story that her job is ruining her life. She is either unaware that she can drop the story or doesn't want to drop it.
Misery is mind-created and saying anything is tricky and probably futile. There is not much psychology you can employ to wake people up. It's up to them. There is not much you can do but to stay present with her. Compassion yes. Pity no. Boundaries yes. If complaining goes on and you need to get back to work, tell her so. My tactic would be to change the subject and say something neutral or positive, or say something short and friendly and walk away to go to the restroom or the printer or wherever.
Your mental health doesn't have to be affected by her complaining if you see it for what it is. She doesn't realize and she's stuck. You can choose who you let into your life and you can shut the door on her so to speak by changing the subject and getting back to work. If she's taken over by complaining completely there is no need to talk about her woes because talking about her misery and having pity only intensifies the rationality to her story.
If you think she has a sliver of awareness you might gently remind her that she's complaining or you could say, "Yes, you told me that" when she tells you again how her job is ruining her life. Or, you could say, "Is that so?" Proceed with caution because if she doesn't have awareness of her mind-created misery she will use what you say to to feel more like a victim and she will answer back with her misery. That's okay too and not personal but it can be exhausting because you're not talking and being with Peggy the person, you're talking to her pain.
Don't be afraid to remain silent. Let her stare. It's not personal. She's trying to figure out why her story isn't being validated. The silence is uncomfortable. Be aware and don't forget that you have choices too and can shut the door when you need to, metaphorically and literally.
posted by loveandhappiness at 8:38 AM on February 15, 2020 [5 favorites]
She has a choice not to work at current workplace if it's so bad. She might not want a choice. She prefers to stay as victim and complains instead. It feels good to the ego and allows her to feel superior to institutions and others who are allegedly oppressing her. She believes the story that her job is ruining her life. She is either unaware that she can drop the story or doesn't want to drop it.
Misery is mind-created and saying anything is tricky and probably futile. There is not much psychology you can employ to wake people up. It's up to them. There is not much you can do but to stay present with her. Compassion yes. Pity no. Boundaries yes. If complaining goes on and you need to get back to work, tell her so. My tactic would be to change the subject and say something neutral or positive, or say something short and friendly and walk away to go to the restroom or the printer or wherever.
Your mental health doesn't have to be affected by her complaining if you see it for what it is. She doesn't realize and she's stuck. You can choose who you let into your life and you can shut the door on her so to speak by changing the subject and getting back to work. If she's taken over by complaining completely there is no need to talk about her woes because talking about her misery and having pity only intensifies the rationality to her story.
If you think she has a sliver of awareness you might gently remind her that she's complaining or you could say, "Yes, you told me that" when she tells you again how her job is ruining her life. Or, you could say, "Is that so?" Proceed with caution because if she doesn't have awareness of her mind-created misery she will use what you say to to feel more like a victim and she will answer back with her misery. That's okay too and not personal but it can be exhausting because you're not talking and being with Peggy the person, you're talking to her pain.
Don't be afraid to remain silent. Let her stare. It's not personal. She's trying to figure out why her story isn't being validated. The silence is uncomfortable. Be aware and don't forget that you have choices too and can shut the door when you need to, metaphorically and literally.
posted by loveandhappiness at 8:38 AM on February 15, 2020 [5 favorites]
Can you not just say "oh hey sorry I don't have time to chat, but I'm actually on deadline so I gotta get back to it! Hope your day turns around though! :) :) " and then put on oversized headphones to communicate that you aren't listening?
posted by salvia at 9:27 AM on February 15, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by salvia at 9:27 AM on February 15, 2020 [4 favorites]
Can you close your door on days she'll be there? Also, an hour of your time chewed up by her complaining is unacceptable. Give her a ration of one complaint a day, respond in a way that's unsatisfying to her, and then tell her you can't talk and that you have some work to do that requires a lot of focus and could she please shut the door on her way out.
posted by quince at 9:30 AM on February 15, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by quince at 9:30 AM on February 15, 2020 [4 favorites]
I've had colleagues like this in the past and there are a few things that have worked:
1.Flat-out avoidance, e.g. in your case, can you work from home yourself on the days she's in? Or just be away from the office, in meetings, etc., as much as possible? I've gone as far as looking at the other person's schedule and deliberately booking all my outside meetings for days when they are around. I've also told people that I only have 5 minutes until I need to leave for something, and then surreptitiously set a reminder and left--if only to walk around the block-- when it goes off. Putting on headphones and/or closing your door might work, too (although if she's like some of my co-workers, she would just lurk outside until you emerged).
2. Deflection towards action, e.g. "Wow, that does sound like a serious problem, have you spoken the boss about that? No seriously, I think you should take that to him/the union/health and safety/HR whoever." People like that don't want to do anything, and putting the ball in their court makes the conversation much less enjoyable for them.
3. Gentle confrontation, e.g. "You know, you've been mentioning this problem for X years/ever since I've known you, and it has always been that the job creates all these legitimate difficulties for you. It seems like you don't enjoy X, Y, and Z things that most of us appreciate, and are really affected by A, B, and C, which don't bother me that much. Have you ever thought of applying at [other place], where I've heard they don't have ABC? If not, what's keeping you here?"
You might have to do something that will hurt her feelings a bit, but it sounds like her behaviour is affecting your own well-being, and that has to come first. She will take care of herself, either by finding another sounding board or by recognizing and addressing some of her issues.
posted by rpfields at 10:19 AM on February 15, 2020 [3 favorites]
1.Flat-out avoidance, e.g. in your case, can you work from home yourself on the days she's in? Or just be away from the office, in meetings, etc., as much as possible? I've gone as far as looking at the other person's schedule and deliberately booking all my outside meetings for days when they are around. I've also told people that I only have 5 minutes until I need to leave for something, and then surreptitiously set a reminder and left--if only to walk around the block-- when it goes off. Putting on headphones and/or closing your door might work, too (although if she's like some of my co-workers, she would just lurk outside until you emerged).
2. Deflection towards action, e.g. "Wow, that does sound like a serious problem, have you spoken the boss about that? No seriously, I think you should take that to him/the union/health and safety/HR whoever." People like that don't want to do anything, and putting the ball in their court makes the conversation much less enjoyable for them.
3. Gentle confrontation, e.g. "You know, you've been mentioning this problem for X years/ever since I've known you, and it has always been that the job creates all these legitimate difficulties for you. It seems like you don't enjoy X, Y, and Z things that most of us appreciate, and are really affected by A, B, and C, which don't bother me that much. Have you ever thought of applying at [other place], where I've heard they don't have ABC? If not, what's keeping you here?"
You might have to do something that will hurt her feelings a bit, but it sounds like her behaviour is affecting your own well-being, and that has to come first. She will take care of herself, either by finding another sounding board or by recognizing and addressing some of her issues.
posted by rpfields at 10:19 AM on February 15, 2020 [3 favorites]
Adopt a different stance: when she comes to you complaining you are patient with her despite the fact that she has interrupted you with her negativity. From now on give her your attention when she is positive or neutral (if ever). But if she's just complaining, then you are just being interrupted, so she gets minimal attention and no real response from you. Just say "Hm" or something and go back to whatever you were doing. She will probably escalate at first to get you to--react? Engage? Participate? Whatever it was you did before. Try to pinpoint what that was. What did she get out of it? The kindest thing to do is to stop doing that. Do not engage with her negativity, do not explain yourself, do not apologize.
posted by marimeko at 11:08 AM on February 15, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by marimeko at 11:08 AM on February 15, 2020 [4 favorites]
I managed to stay out of Peggy’s way for a bunch of years just because I sat in a different location, but about a year ago, I moved to the office next door to her, which she shares.
...first of all, I outrank her, and I’ve sensed some bitterness from her about that.
You've been there years, the both of you. Everybody knows Peggy's like this; her out-of-the-office schedule might even stem from her off-putting behavior.
Who knows for certain why this woman's main conversational gambit is a litany of complaints. She may resent your rank (which is not on you), she may believe misery loves company, she may hope being unpleasant earns her a full work-from-home deal, whatever. I'm not really sure of your office layout ("moved to the office next door to her", which Peggy "shares", but then "she came into my office"; side note: that Wednesday, she could have been gardening -- is that how she spends her unusual, enviable work-from-home time?!? jeez Louise, OP, I don't view your reply as harsh), but ask whomever okays these decisions for a change in seating arrangements.
You move offices again, if the offered space is as overall nice or better than the one you're in now, or her once-a-week landing pad gets situated elsewhere.
It's someone else's turn to deal with Peggy.
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:29 AM on February 15, 2020 [3 favorites]
...first of all, I outrank her, and I’ve sensed some bitterness from her about that.
You've been there years, the both of you. Everybody knows Peggy's like this; her out-of-the-office schedule might even stem from her off-putting behavior.
Who knows for certain why this woman's main conversational gambit is a litany of complaints. She may resent your rank (which is not on you), she may believe misery loves company, she may hope being unpleasant earns her a full work-from-home deal, whatever. I'm not really sure of your office layout ("moved to the office next door to her", which Peggy "shares", but then "she came into my office"; side note: that Wednesday, she could have been gardening -- is that how she spends her unusual, enviable work-from-home time?!? jeez Louise, OP, I don't view your reply as harsh), but ask whomever okays these decisions for a change in seating arrangements.
You move offices again, if the offered space is as overall nice or better than the one you're in now, or her once-a-week landing pad gets situated elsewhere.
It's someone else's turn to deal with Peggy.
posted by Iris Gambol at 11:29 AM on February 15, 2020 [3 favorites]
Don't engage. Complaining is her method of getting attention, possibly some reinforcement. The only effective response is ignoring it. Literally, try to channel Ronald Reagan. Imagine being teflon-coated and her whining just beading up and rolling off. Think of Reagan saying There you go again. Mentally, don't take it seriously. If you must respond, Oh my goodness. Isn't that something. and the classic Bless your heart. This got me googling Southern Insults and You march to your own drummer, don't you sweetheart? Good for you. Good for you. made me laugh. or I love how you don't care what people think. Thinking comments like that will help.
posted by theora55 at 2:57 PM on February 15, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 2:57 PM on February 15, 2020 [1 favorite]
But I’d like to tread more carefully around Peggy for the reasons I stated above.
I have a friend who is like Peggy. And I like her a lot but if things are just a bit off she'll complain about them like they're the end of the world. And part of the issue, I think, is that her husband is a lovely man but just basically ignores her in that "Oh here she goes again" way and I feel sometimes like they invite me over just so she will have someone to complain to.
And she's not wrong about some of the stuff she's upset about she's just... disproportionately annoyed at basically everything and somehow thinks this is a topic of polite conversation. I have a few gambits that can work at least somewhat She, also, will get kind of mad at me if I am not responding the way she wants but that is entirely her problem to manage. Part of this is realizing I can manage my own responses and not feel stuck by them
1. If we are having a conversation about something neutral and she steers it towards some negative jag of complaints: "Hey I thought we were having a nice time" (implication, her complaining is NOT a nice time and not what I want to talk about)
2. If she starts off on something at an inappropriate level (boss to Hitler comparisons) "Hey I get that you are bent out of shape about this, but that's over the line" (not "Do you think that is over the line" but a statement from you that it's over the line for you, this is okay)
3. If she's going off about how some decision she made a million years ago has left her stuck where she is "Well life is all about choices isn't it?" (i.e. she had choices to make and also things happen and really part of this is her take on the world, not the world just being awful)
None of these are things I would say to people I was trying to have a mutually beneficial back and forth with, but they would be things I would do when I was interacting with someone who was just venting to me or dumping stuff on me. And really, if I've had enough, I'll just say "I don't want to talk about this. Next topic" and if there's no next topic we can just sit quietly,or in your case maybe get back to work.
Last piece of advice: set some sort of internal (or even external) timer. If she's whining for a literal hour, part of that is you not shutting her down for an hour. And I agree, it's hard, but that should be part of what you try to do moving forward, whether it's by setting a timer on your phone or just telling her "I don't have more time for this right now"
posted by jessamyn at 4:14 PM on February 15, 2020 [7 favorites]
I have a friend who is like Peggy. And I like her a lot but if things are just a bit off she'll complain about them like they're the end of the world. And part of the issue, I think, is that her husband is a lovely man but just basically ignores her in that "Oh here she goes again" way and I feel sometimes like they invite me over just so she will have someone to complain to.
And she's not wrong about some of the stuff she's upset about she's just... disproportionately annoyed at basically everything and somehow thinks this is a topic of polite conversation. I have a few gambits that can work at least somewhat She, also, will get kind of mad at me if I am not responding the way she wants but that is entirely her problem to manage. Part of this is realizing I can manage my own responses and not feel stuck by them
1. If we are having a conversation about something neutral and she steers it towards some negative jag of complaints: "Hey I thought we were having a nice time" (implication, her complaining is NOT a nice time and not what I want to talk about)
2. If she starts off on something at an inappropriate level (boss to Hitler comparisons) "Hey I get that you are bent out of shape about this, but that's over the line" (not "Do you think that is over the line" but a statement from you that it's over the line for you, this is okay)
3. If she's going off about how some decision she made a million years ago has left her stuck where she is "Well life is all about choices isn't it?" (i.e. she had choices to make and also things happen and really part of this is her take on the world, not the world just being awful)
None of these are things I would say to people I was trying to have a mutually beneficial back and forth with, but they would be things I would do when I was interacting with someone who was just venting to me or dumping stuff on me. And really, if I've had enough, I'll just say "I don't want to talk about this. Next topic" and if there's no next topic we can just sit quietly,or in your case maybe get back to work.
Last piece of advice: set some sort of internal (or even external) timer. If she's whining for a literal hour, part of that is you not shutting her down for an hour. And I agree, it's hard, but that should be part of what you try to do moving forward, whether it's by setting a timer on your phone or just telling her "I don't have more time for this right now"
posted by jessamyn at 4:14 PM on February 15, 2020 [7 favorites]
People here are nice. I'd just tell her she complains too much and you're not interested in listening to it. Also you're busy. Also you don't agree with her complaints. Then a firm good bye, walk her out your office door and close it. It would be closed every time I knew she was coming in too.
If she keeps it up repeat her complaints to the people she's complaining about. Like her boss. This is 100% effective in getting people to stop "confiding" in you.
posted by fshgrl at 6:54 PM on February 15, 2020 [5 favorites]
If she keeps it up repeat her complaints to the people she's complaining about. Like her boss. This is 100% effective in getting people to stop "confiding" in you.
posted by fshgrl at 6:54 PM on February 15, 2020 [5 favorites]
Yeah, you're busy. You've got work to do, unlike her, apparently. "I'd love to chat, but I'm on a deadline right now." She seems to have an awful lot of time on her hands, but you don't.
posted by BibiRose at 6:56 AM on February 16, 2020
posted by BibiRose at 6:56 AM on February 16, 2020
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Is there any way she would respond to a reasoned, gentle but firm sitdown? Maybe over a coffee? You could say you want to talk about something confidential. Maybe then, to keep her from feeling attacked and criticised and potentially getting really weird and aggressive with you (which sounds like it's a risk), tell a little white lie and say that you have some big issues going on which are stressing you out outside work, and that are likely to be ongoing. That you like her as a person and don't want her to take this the wrong way, but you are finding her constant complaining and - what you receive as aggressive behaviour - as draining and difficult to deal with, and it is going to start to leak into your responses to her which you'd rather it not do. Could she please cool it down on the complaining and say it to anything else but you?
See how she responds to that. If she denies all culpability or is obviously not understanding you, tell her that you need her to just get on with the job and that if she has something to complain about she can do it directly to the boss, because you can't do anything about the complaints and don't have the energy to hear them.
She sounds like she may eventually need a blunt approach but no point starting that way.
I'm sorry, this is a hard one!
posted by starstarstar at 7:53 AM on February 15, 2020