When is it reasonable to wake a snoring partner?
January 30, 2020 7:31 PM Subscribe
I snore, apparently so loudly that it makes it difficult for my partner to sleep. I've visited a sleep clinic and I am working a treatment plan with a doctor in the meantime my question is this: is it reasonable.to continuously wake a sleeping partner up throughout the might simply because they're snoring? My partner does this regularly, sometimes multiple times a night continuously. I know but snoring and sleeping is a big deal when sharing a bed with someone, but I feel like my partner is being a bit unreasonable.
My issue with this is:
(1) There nothing I can do to stop snoring if he wakes me up.
(2) He wakes up not because he's worried about my health but because he having trouble sleeping, and says, "wake up, you're snoring".
(3) My partner snores as loud as me or louder and frequently stops breathing during the night. In addition, he's a light sleeper, we have a 1 year old, he likes to listen to Pandora radio while sleeps at night and he's had sleeping issues for the past few years. I say all this to say that I'm not entirely sure that I am the source of the problem. My visit to the Sleep Clinic did not determine did I have a sleeping issue or condition, rather what I have is a consistent lack of sleep and or poor quality sleep was making it difficult for me to focus and be productive at work , which merited treatment and itself.
(4) My partner consistently blames me for his lack of sleep, and grumbles about it touring tonight and during the day. When I suggested that we both visit the Sleep Clinic because maybe his sleep issues were caused by a condition that he may have, he refused and implied that it was my responsibility to restore his ability to sleep. I recommended ear plugs in the meantime, and he refused because he wanted to be able to hear things at night.
I know that not getting enough sleep regularly can definitely make people grumpy and unreasonable, but I feel like he's more unreasonable then most people would be and is passively aggressively waking me up multiple times at night because of it.
My issue with this is:
(1) There nothing I can do to stop snoring if he wakes me up.
(2) He wakes up not because he's worried about my health but because he having trouble sleeping, and says, "wake up, you're snoring".
(3) My partner snores as loud as me or louder and frequently stops breathing during the night. In addition, he's a light sleeper, we have a 1 year old, he likes to listen to Pandora radio while sleeps at night and he's had sleeping issues for the past few years. I say all this to say that I'm not entirely sure that I am the source of the problem. My visit to the Sleep Clinic did not determine did I have a sleeping issue or condition, rather what I have is a consistent lack of sleep and or poor quality sleep was making it difficult for me to focus and be productive at work , which merited treatment and itself.
(4) My partner consistently blames me for his lack of sleep, and grumbles about it touring tonight and during the day. When I suggested that we both visit the Sleep Clinic because maybe his sleep issues were caused by a condition that he may have, he refused and implied that it was my responsibility to restore his ability to sleep. I recommended ear plugs in the meantime, and he refused because he wanted to be able to hear things at night.
I know that not getting enough sleep regularly can definitely make people grumpy and unreasonable, but I feel like he's more unreasonable then most people would be and is passively aggressively waking me up multiple times at night because of it.
Wow, I went into this sympathetic to your partner and came out NOT AT ALL sympathetic to your partner. I feel like the real question here is "is it reasonable to make your partner responsible for your sleep?" and NO, IT IS NOT. If he's stopping breathing during his sleep, he must go to a sleep clinic himself ASAP. The stakes are high--if he's got untreated sleep apnea, he may be damaging his brain, increasing his risk of stroke, and increasing his risk of being in/causing a car accident. I think he's just offloading his refusal to take responsibility onto you, which is deeply not OK.
I do wake up my partner when he snores, but that's because he can shift around and stop snoring, and it doesn't happen that often anymore because, gasp, he went to a sleep specialist and got treatment!
posted by wintersweet at 7:38 PM on January 30, 2020 [45 favorites]
I do wake up my partner when he snores, but that's because he can shift around and stop snoring, and it doesn't happen that often anymore because, gasp, he went to a sleep specialist and got treatment!
posted by wintersweet at 7:38 PM on January 30, 2020 [45 favorites]
"Wake up, you're snoring" works on some people. If my wife wakes up, rolls over, and goes back to sleep, she's usually snoring less than she was before.
You two have a lot of other issues. But you asked about that one. The reason your partner is doing it is likely that it works, and not to passive aggressively get revenge.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:39 PM on January 30, 2020 [10 favorites]
You two have a lot of other issues. But you asked about that one. The reason your partner is doing it is likely that it works, and not to passive aggressively get revenge.
posted by nebulawindphone at 7:39 PM on January 30, 2020 [10 favorites]
I think it’s at least as reasonable to wake a snoring partner as it is to like awake for a long time because it’s too snorey to sleep.
Try earplugs or separate beds or something. If either or both of you can’t sleep then something must be done, and hopefully something better than picking which of you Is the one who gets to sleep.
posted by aubilenon at 7:40 PM on January 30, 2020 [9 favorites]
Try earplugs or separate beds or something. If either or both of you can’t sleep then something must be done, and hopefully something better than picking which of you Is the one who gets to sleep.
posted by aubilenon at 7:40 PM on January 30, 2020 [9 favorites]
When my husband is having a lot of snores (congestion, whatever) then either he or I sleep in another room. Earplugs aren't comfortable enough for me to sleep in.
If it's just a bit of snoring, white noise helps to mask it. Lot of phone apps available for this.
You both need to sleep. Current arrangement means that neither of you sleep. You gotta think outside the box a little.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:45 PM on January 30, 2020 [16 favorites]
If it's just a bit of snoring, white noise helps to mask it. Lot of phone apps available for this.
You both need to sleep. Current arrangement means that neither of you sleep. You gotta think outside the box a little.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:45 PM on January 30, 2020 [16 favorites]
My husband and I both snore, but I am generally a much better sleeper. If my snoring is keeping my husband awake he will often say "Can you please roll over" and sometimes give me a little push in that direction. It hardly ever wakes me up enough that I remember it. "Wake up, you're snoring" really sounds punitive to me, and I'd be very annoyed to hear it. I'd also be annoyed to have radio playing in the bedroom overnight fwiw.
I agree your partner should try ear plugs - they don't stop you hearing things overnight, they just muffle them a bit.
We also have a 1 year old and the sleep deprivation is real. It is very to easy to resent the other person when you're tired, but I think as a family you need to prioritise sleep, and that's not just on you - regardless of your snoring, your partner needs to get his own sleep issues sorted out. Fixing yourself as a bed partner won't fix his sleep apnea or whatever it is that's making him want to listen to the radio.
posted by escapepod at 8:03 PM on January 30, 2020 [4 favorites]
I agree your partner should try ear plugs - they don't stop you hearing things overnight, they just muffle them a bit.
We also have a 1 year old and the sleep deprivation is real. It is very to easy to resent the other person when you're tired, but I think as a family you need to prioritise sleep, and that's not just on you - regardless of your snoring, your partner needs to get his own sleep issues sorted out. Fixing yourself as a bed partner won't fix his sleep apnea or whatever it is that's making him want to listen to the radio.
posted by escapepod at 8:03 PM on January 30, 2020 [4 favorites]
I don't have much sympathy for the partner, but if he wants to "hear" I find headband style headphones quite effective during sleep, or sleep earbuds.
The headband I use.
The earbuds which have a bit of an earplug effect.
Another thing to consider is the newer Fitbits will track blood oxygenation during sleep. They won't come right out and say "sleep apnea", but they'll graph it and flag high variance. That might be enough evidence for him to consider it a "medical issue" rather than "my partner keeps waking me up".
On preview: gah, I still get so angry reading the ask. Why on earth would someone consider waking you acceptable after you've already been cleared of a sleep apnea diagnosis? (Assumption there based on your description.)
posted by Anonymous Function at 8:08 PM on January 30, 2020 [11 favorites]
The headband I use.
The earbuds which have a bit of an earplug effect.
Another thing to consider is the newer Fitbits will track blood oxygenation during sleep. They won't come right out and say "sleep apnea", but they'll graph it and flag high variance. That might be enough evidence for him to consider it a "medical issue" rather than "my partner keeps waking me up".
On preview: gah, I still get so angry reading the ask. Why on earth would someone consider waking you acceptable after you've already been cleared of a sleep apnea diagnosis? (Assumption there based on your description.)
posted by Anonymous Function at 8:08 PM on January 30, 2020 [11 favorites]
it is reasonable to wake a snoring person every time they wake you up. you do what you have to do to get someone to stop making noise they don't know they're making, by any nonviolent means necessary.
however
do you even know for sure that you are making noise, and that he's not waking himself up with his own snores? he doesn't sound like a reliable reporter.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:09 PM on January 30, 2020 [19 favorites]
however
do you even know for sure that you are making noise, and that he's not waking himself up with his own snores? he doesn't sound like a reliable reporter.
posted by queenofbithynia at 8:09 PM on January 30, 2020 [19 favorites]
My husband snores and if I can’t sleep (which is rare but happens) I go sleep on the couch (when we had a guest room I slept there.)
posted by warriorqueen at 8:11 PM on January 30, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by warriorqueen at 8:11 PM on January 30, 2020 [3 favorites]
It's very reasonable. My wife wakes me up when I snore and it's never seemed the slightest bit unusual to me. If she has to do it more than a couple times in a night, I go sleep on the couch. It's not my responsibility to make sure she gets a good nights' sleep -- but if it's my fault she can't, I do see it as my responsibility to mitigate that.
posted by dbx at 8:13 PM on January 30, 2020 [19 favorites]
posted by dbx at 8:13 PM on January 30, 2020 [19 favorites]
You are both parenting a tiny creature who is dependent on you. You both need to get sleep. Continuing to sleep together or attempting to is a really bad idea. Your partner may have sleep apnea but you don’t have any control over whether your partner goes to have that checked out or not. But you can control where you sleep. If you are tired of being woken up, and I can’t blame you, then find another place to sleep. It will be much better for your entire family when both parents are able to get more sleep. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 8:22 PM on January 30, 2020 [17 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 8:22 PM on January 30, 2020 [17 favorites]
It’s reasonable to wake up a snorer. It’s also reasonable to be annoyed at being abruptly woken up in the middle of the night when you’re already running low on sleep. It’s, maybe not reasonable, but normal, to both feel short tempered and frustrated with each other if you both snore, both wake each other up, and are both exhausted.
However, it sounds like only you are taking concrete action to try and fix this problem. He’s not willing to wear earplugs or get a sleep evaluation. Does your husband’s snoring and music wake you, the way your snoring wakes him, or is it more that you notice this stuff because you’re lying there awake now that he’s woken you up? If the latter, maybe the sleep clinic or your doctor will have a good solution for you that will keep everyone asleep.
posted by sallybrown at 8:26 PM on January 30, 2020 [2 favorites]
However, it sounds like only you are taking concrete action to try and fix this problem. He’s not willing to wear earplugs or get a sleep evaluation. Does your husband’s snoring and music wake you, the way your snoring wakes him, or is it more that you notice this stuff because you’re lying there awake now that he’s woken you up? If the latter, maybe the sleep clinic or your doctor will have a good solution for you that will keep everyone asleep.
posted by sallybrown at 8:26 PM on January 30, 2020 [2 favorites]
Waking up the snorer shuts them the hell up for at least a few minutes. During which hopefully you may fall asleep before they start up again, or at least they have a few minutes during which they do not want to wring your neck. That's the logic behind it. I concur that it sucks and it's rude, but not being able to sleep through buzzsaw noises that earplugs, white noise, etc. cannot block out also sucks. Snoring is not that rhythmic (it's anti-soothing) and is very hard to block out.
However, in my experience sharing a bed with snoring parents, they fell back to sleep within a few minutes and they haven't really had their rest (such as it is) fucked up at all compared to me. I've seriously considered trying to sleep on the bathroom floor in winter with not so much as a blanket, that's how bad it is to be a light sleeper stuck sharing a bed with a snorer.
I'm sure your SO has their own issues, but not having to listen to buzzsaw noises all damn night would help at least some of them. I'm sure the next response is going to be "no, we can't possibly sleep in separate rooms," but....sleep in separate rooms.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:28 PM on January 30, 2020 [26 favorites]
However, in my experience sharing a bed with snoring parents, they fell back to sleep within a few minutes and they haven't really had their rest (such as it is) fucked up at all compared to me. I've seriously considered trying to sleep on the bathroom floor in winter with not so much as a blanket, that's how bad it is to be a light sleeper stuck sharing a bed with a snorer.
I'm sure your SO has their own issues, but not having to listen to buzzsaw noises all damn night would help at least some of them. I'm sure the next response is going to be "no, we can't possibly sleep in separate rooms," but....sleep in separate rooms.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:28 PM on January 30, 2020 [26 favorites]
I was in much the same situation as your partner, before Mr. DrGail got and started using the CPAP prescribed as a result of not one, but two, sleep studies. Pre-CPAP, I would get him to roll over if it wouldn't wake him up. Otherwise, I'd go sleep in another room; my reasoning was that the best solution for one sleepless person was not two sleepless people. Like your partner, he listens to a radio when he has trouble sleeping (even with the CPAP), but he uses headphones and I never hear it. After learning your story, I promise I will never get exasperated when his little radio and earphone cord get in my way.
Oh, and I wear earplugs every night. It might be a good idea for you to do so too. It's quite possible that you'll sleep more soundly with some of the noise blocked out, including apparently his night sounds, which would probably result in you snoring less. Which would make him happy and show you are really trying. And who knows, you might end up being a good role model for him.
But it sounds like this sleep and snoring thing is an issue for both of you. Probably exacerbated by having a baby which I imagine is quite exhausting in and of itself. It's no wonder that sleep - that precious thing you both crave - has become a bone of contention within your relationship.
posted by DrGail at 8:39 PM on January 30, 2020 [2 favorites]
Oh, and I wear earplugs every night. It might be a good idea for you to do so too. It's quite possible that you'll sleep more soundly with some of the noise blocked out, including apparently his night sounds, which would probably result in you snoring less. Which would make him happy and show you are really trying. And who knows, you might end up being a good role model for him.
But it sounds like this sleep and snoring thing is an issue for both of you. Probably exacerbated by having a baby which I imagine is quite exhausting in and of itself. It's no wonder that sleep - that precious thing you both crave - has become a bone of contention within your relationship.
posted by DrGail at 8:39 PM on January 30, 2020 [2 favorites]
My experience with a sleeping in a room with a full on snorer--in my case a friend I occasionally room with on vacation--mimics jenfullmoon's. There's 100% no comparison between being briefly woken and between listening to someone snoring constantly.
I also agree with their recommendation: Different rooms--even if someone takes a futon on the floor somewhere!--until it gets better resolved.
posted by mark k at 8:45 PM on January 30, 2020 [13 favorites]
I also agree with their recommendation: Different rooms--even if someone takes a futon on the floor somewhere!--until it gets better resolved.
posted by mark k at 8:45 PM on January 30, 2020 [13 favorites]
Another vote for sleeping separately until you both have been treated for the sleep issues you have. You’re already chronically exhausted from being parents of an infant. Both of you also unable to sleep well because of one another’s snoring and waking pushes you into danger territory.
To specifically answer your question, nudging and slightly waking a snorer can be very effective for some people. But, clearly, it’s not effective for you.
posted by quince at 10:57 PM on January 30, 2020 [2 favorites]
To specifically answer your question, nudging and slightly waking a snorer can be very effective for some people. But, clearly, it’s not effective for you.
posted by quince at 10:57 PM on January 30, 2020 [2 favorites]
Waking someone up multiple times per night is simply abusive, and calls for the same sort of response you'd give other types of abuse.
Also, the obvious solution while you work through bigger issues is to sleep in separate rooms.
posted by Umami Dearest at 11:06 PM on January 30, 2020 [4 favorites]
Also, the obvious solution while you work through bigger issues is to sleep in separate rooms.
posted by Umami Dearest at 11:06 PM on January 30, 2020 [4 favorites]
My favorite position (a snorer) is on the couch, with several pillows on the cushioned armrest, and with my back against the sofa back. This way I'm not curled into a ball and feeling like I'm choking in my sleep.
My higher arm and hand can go along my side instead of under my chin. My chest and shoulders are open, not hunched forward. My whole upper body is raised. My head is not tilted weirdly and causing my airway to be constricted.
Sometimes I need another pillow or blanket under my upper leg so that the knee is supported. Otherwise, I get a cramp (like this morning rolling over in bed -- ouch.)
I still snore, but my sleep is better. When I want to change sides, I switch to the other end of the couch.
Having my head and shoulders raised and leaning back against the sofa back are key to opening up my trachea and lungs. This is so important when allergies and congestion are an issue.
In the bedroom, I have a wedge pillow and several regular pillows. This has helped. Side sleeping on a flat surface is not comfortable, and I do not sleep on my stomach or back.
I sleep facing the edge of the bed. One pillow goes under my head, one is clutched to my chest for my upper arm to cuddle, and a third may go under my upper knee or between my knees so that is does not get a cramp. If I face the middle of the bed a fourth pillow at my back gives me some support, but usually I give up and sleep on the couch at that point.
Sleeping sitting up on a recliner chair is not fun. My husband does this when having a BPPV occurrence. A U-shaped pillow reduces neck strain, but he sits upright with the footrest out and has a hard time getting any rest at all during the treatment process. It does eliminate his snoring -- mainly because he isn't getting enough sleep.
My husband and I just celebrated our 39th anniversary. We both saw logs from time to time, and we both have stories about winding up on the floor when a groggy spouse did the "push to wake up" move with unexpected results.
He actually looked around the house for me yesterday morning because I was "so quiet." I was on my side of the bed under a mound of blankets and pillows.
We've negotiated the spooning position over the years, but eventually someone needs to roll over. This is not practical in hot weather.
Really, you have this MeFi's approval to show your husband the joys of better sleep through medical care. Maybe your physician can advise you. Sleep deprivation with a toddler is already a given, but having other issues is not reasonable.
Are allergies and congestion part of this? Check some of the Asks about dry air, dust mites and other triggers that can be contributing to mutual sleep disturbances.
posted by TrishaU at 11:38 PM on January 30, 2020 [2 favorites]
My higher arm and hand can go along my side instead of under my chin. My chest and shoulders are open, not hunched forward. My whole upper body is raised. My head is not tilted weirdly and causing my airway to be constricted.
Sometimes I need another pillow or blanket under my upper leg so that the knee is supported. Otherwise, I get a cramp (like this morning rolling over in bed -- ouch.)
I still snore, but my sleep is better. When I want to change sides, I switch to the other end of the couch.
Having my head and shoulders raised and leaning back against the sofa back are key to opening up my trachea and lungs. This is so important when allergies and congestion are an issue.
In the bedroom, I have a wedge pillow and several regular pillows. This has helped. Side sleeping on a flat surface is not comfortable, and I do not sleep on my stomach or back.
I sleep facing the edge of the bed. One pillow goes under my head, one is clutched to my chest for my upper arm to cuddle, and a third may go under my upper knee or between my knees so that is does not get a cramp. If I face the middle of the bed a fourth pillow at my back gives me some support, but usually I give up and sleep on the couch at that point.
Sleeping sitting up on a recliner chair is not fun. My husband does this when having a BPPV occurrence. A U-shaped pillow reduces neck strain, but he sits upright with the footrest out and has a hard time getting any rest at all during the treatment process. It does eliminate his snoring -- mainly because he isn't getting enough sleep.
My husband and I just celebrated our 39th anniversary. We both saw logs from time to time, and we both have stories about winding up on the floor when a groggy spouse did the "push to wake up" move with unexpected results.
He actually looked around the house for me yesterday morning because I was "so quiet." I was on my side of the bed under a mound of blankets and pillows.
We've negotiated the spooning position over the years, but eventually someone needs to roll over. This is not practical in hot weather.
Really, you have this MeFi's approval to show your husband the joys of better sleep through medical care. Maybe your physician can advise you. Sleep deprivation with a toddler is already a given, but having other issues is not reasonable.
Are allergies and congestion part of this? Check some of the Asks about dry air, dust mites and other triggers that can be contributing to mutual sleep disturbances.
posted by TrishaU at 11:38 PM on January 30, 2020 [2 favorites]
Considering your partner snores also but you're the only one who gets told off for it, and considering he's refusing to do anything at all to help the situation apart from waking you up, I think he's being completely unreasonable. What's he like as a partner generally, does he approach other issues in the same manner?
Agreed about separate rooms. Also I'd get earplugs for yourself - my partner snores so I use Hearoes (the blue ones) which block most of the noise.
posted by hazyjane at 11:52 PM on January 30, 2020 [8 favorites]
Agreed about separate rooms. Also I'd get earplugs for yourself - my partner snores so I use Hearoes (the blue ones) which block most of the noise.
posted by hazyjane at 11:52 PM on January 30, 2020 [8 favorites]
My spouse snores... Ocassionaly, and a simple poke is enough to get her to roll over and it solves the issue. She usually doesn't even know it's happened .
But, she snores occasionally . she's not snoring every day and it does not continue after a nudge.
No one should be awaking you up every night (and especially not multiple times in a night, wtf) so they can sleep better. That's not a solution. You being awake so that they can sleep is just making you both miserable .
If the couch is not a desired option, switch off every other night or once a week or something to be fair. But you both deserve sleep. Period .
posted by AlexiaSky at 12:18 AM on January 31, 2020 [2 favorites]
But, she snores occasionally . she's not snoring every day and it does not continue after a nudge.
No one should be awaking you up every night (and especially not multiple times in a night, wtf) so they can sleep better. That's not a solution. You being awake so that they can sleep is just making you both miserable .
If the couch is not a desired option, switch off every other night or once a week or something to be fair. But you both deserve sleep. Period .
posted by AlexiaSky at 12:18 AM on January 31, 2020 [2 favorites]
Same here, when I poke my snorer and he shifts position, he stops (or lowers his volume). And when he gets louder, I just poke till I achieve an acceptable decibelage. He doesn't usually wake up fully, in fact he almost never remembers the next day.
posted by ipsative at 1:06 AM on January 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by ipsative at 1:06 AM on January 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
Slightly tangential, but might be helpful and it's an easy thing to try out: many people snore less or don't snore if the air is less dry. Does the situation improve when you hang a load of wet laundry in the bedroom overnight? If so, get a good capacity humidifier.
Your partner, for the record, is not being reasonable or kind.
posted by Too-Ticky at 2:01 AM on January 31, 2020 [2 favorites]
Your partner, for the record, is not being reasonable or kind.
posted by Too-Ticky at 2:01 AM on January 31, 2020 [2 favorites]
Once every 2-3x months, my husband will snore like a train and prevent me from sleeping. When that happens, I’ll nudge him awake and say “You’re snoring!” so he can reposition.
I definitely don’t inquire about his health in these moments. My 1am brain cares only about my own sleep deprivation.
He doesn’t exactly love it, but it’s infrequent and I get migraines if my sleep is poor, so it works for us. (Once I prodded him multiple times in a single night; one of us eventually moved to the guest room. I now draw the line at a single reproachful poke.)
Your situation sounds far more complicated: both the level of your snoring, and your partner’s insistence that you fix this problem for him. But to answer your title question, I don’t feel there is anything inherently wrong with waking a snorer.
posted by shb at 2:49 AM on January 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
I definitely don’t inquire about his health in these moments. My 1am brain cares only about my own sleep deprivation.
He doesn’t exactly love it, but it’s infrequent and I get migraines if my sleep is poor, so it works for us. (Once I prodded him multiple times in a single night; one of us eventually moved to the guest room. I now draw the line at a single reproachful poke.)
Your situation sounds far more complicated: both the level of your snoring, and your partner’s insistence that you fix this problem for him. But to answer your title question, I don’t feel there is anything inherently wrong with waking a snorer.
posted by shb at 2:49 AM on January 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
It’s reasonable to nudge a snoring partner into a less snore-y position and if that wakes them up or doesn’t reduce the snoring so you have to wake them up anyway, so be it. (And I say this *as* the snoring partner, before I got treated for sleep apnea.)
But! As others have said, that’s basically the least of the things happening here. Long term, your partner also needs to go to the sleep clinic. Meanwhile, and maybe forever, you should absolutely try sleeping in separate rooms.
posted by Stacey at 3:00 AM on January 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
But! As others have said, that’s basically the least of the things happening here. Long term, your partner also needs to go to the sleep clinic. Meanwhile, and maybe forever, you should absolutely try sleeping in separate rooms.
posted by Stacey at 3:00 AM on January 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
Obviously I am not your doctor or sleep specialist, but I am a snorer at times disturbing the sleep of my partner. I’ve tried sleeping in other rooms, but since I also endure a snorer I know that rooms aren’t often as far apart as they need to be (like a mile would be good). I’ve been using Provent nasal patches which were prescribed by my sleep specialist in Australia but are available globally. I wonder if they would work for you? They have totally stopped my snoring and are easy to use. Sleep. Game. Changer.
posted by honey-barbara at 3:16 AM on January 31, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by honey-barbara at 3:16 AM on January 31, 2020 [3 favorites]
As an insomniac snorer (especially post-pet-acquisition) with a snoring partner, I can say that if someone woke me up, I would be awake for the rest of the night. I can survive on fairly little sleep, but I couldn’t survive on what you’re describing. I’m pretty sure my mental state would regress to a Poe-worthy heroine, plotting murder by increasingly obscure and dramatic means. I wear earplugs, he listens to podcasts, we have two comfy places to sleep.
posted by instamatic at 4:12 AM on January 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by instamatic at 4:12 AM on January 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
You are both severally sleep deprived. I get straight up irrational when I'm sleep deprived and something is preventing me from sleeping. Long term sleep deprivation is used as a torture tactic. It's real. My husband snores (and should probably go to a sleep clinic--it's on the to do list). I am a light sleeper and perimenopause is exacerbating that. If I'm woken in the middle of the night while already exhausted, my brain doesn't even kick in to gear before I'm poking, prodding, and snapping at my partner to roll over, wake up, anything to make it stop so I can sleep. Is it fair or reasonable? Maybe not. My 1 AM brain doesn't care, it just wants to sleep.
I moved out of the bedroom entirely. If you have the space, I cannot recommend this enough. We had to do some major rearranging but the ability to just peace out when he starts up is the greatest thing to happen in our marriage since it kid was born.
posted by soren_lorensen at 4:35 AM on January 31, 2020 [5 favorites]
I moved out of the bedroom entirely. If you have the space, I cannot recommend this enough. We had to do some major rearranging but the ability to just peace out when he starts up is the greatest thing to happen in our marriage since it kid was born.
posted by soren_lorensen at 4:35 AM on January 31, 2020 [5 favorites]
Here's what's worked for me (first husband and second husband!): instead of nudging, I very gently touch his cheek. I don't know why, but it causes him to move his face enough to close his mouth or something.
posted by Pax at 5:28 AM on January 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by Pax at 5:28 AM on January 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
Two things I wanted to add in addition to the excellent advice above:
1. If your partner is himself a snorer who you audibly stops breathing, that likely means he has sleep apnea. Speaking from personal experience, I can tell you that even if he's falling asleep, he's not getting quality sleep, and with a 1-year-old in the house, that almost certainly means he's chronically sleep deprived. If it's within your means, you should both get a referral for a sleep study to see if this is something that can be treated with snore strips/more pillows/CPAP/etc. I know he's turned this idea down in the past, but you might get more lift if you offered to participate in one as well, and couched it as "we're both snoring and not getting enough sleep, so let's turn this over to the experts."
2. Have you asked him (in the light of day, when you're not both half asleep and exhausted and grumpy) what it is that he wants to accomplish by waking you up multiple times a night? If you were a person who responded to being awakened and told that you're snoring by rolling over and going to bed NOT snoring, that would be one thing. You are not that person. His continuing to wake you up isn't actually accomplishing anything for him, and is impacting your life negatively. It's not fair of him to spread his own misery just because he can't think of anything else to do with it.
Sleep disturbances are hard. Parenting a baby is hard. Be kind to yourselves and to each other, because this is the time that is hardest on marriages and the people in them. It might sound ridiculous, but a couples' counselor might give you some space and guidance to talk this through with him. Again if it's within your means, consider making an appointment and using it as an opportunity to talk through this and any other problems that have been exacerbated by sleep deprivation and the strain of parenting an infant.
posted by Mayor West at 6:09 AM on January 31, 2020 [3 favorites]
1. If your partner is himself a snorer who you audibly stops breathing, that likely means he has sleep apnea. Speaking from personal experience, I can tell you that even if he's falling asleep, he's not getting quality sleep, and with a 1-year-old in the house, that almost certainly means he's chronically sleep deprived. If it's within your means, you should both get a referral for a sleep study to see if this is something that can be treated with snore strips/more pillows/CPAP/etc. I know he's turned this idea down in the past, but you might get more lift if you offered to participate in one as well, and couched it as "we're both snoring and not getting enough sleep, so let's turn this over to the experts."
2. Have you asked him (in the light of day, when you're not both half asleep and exhausted and grumpy) what it is that he wants to accomplish by waking you up multiple times a night? If you were a person who responded to being awakened and told that you're snoring by rolling over and going to bed NOT snoring, that would be one thing. You are not that person. His continuing to wake you up isn't actually accomplishing anything for him, and is impacting your life negatively. It's not fair of him to spread his own misery just because he can't think of anything else to do with it.
Sleep disturbances are hard. Parenting a baby is hard. Be kind to yourselves and to each other, because this is the time that is hardest on marriages and the people in them. It might sound ridiculous, but a couples' counselor might give you some space and guidance to talk this through with him. Again if it's within your means, consider making an appointment and using it as an opportunity to talk through this and any other problems that have been exacerbated by sleep deprivation and the strain of parenting an infant.
posted by Mayor West at 6:09 AM on January 31, 2020 [3 favorites]
I came into this like "your partner can wake you up for snoring as often as you wake them up by snoring" and now having read your question -
If your partner won't address his sleep issues, which sound like they include apnea that is waking him up way more than anything you're doing, then DTMFA because this is step one on a long, long road of "I'm not going to take care of myself, you need to take care of me" and that's a whole lot of unreasonable nonsense from someone you're supposed to be co-parenting with.
If you don't want to go that route yet then tell him to sleep on the couch, but insist that he see a doctor too.
posted by bile and syntax at 6:27 AM on January 31, 2020 [9 favorites]
If your partner won't address his sleep issues, which sound like they include apnea that is waking him up way more than anything you're doing, then DTMFA because this is step one on a long, long road of "I'm not going to take care of myself, you need to take care of me" and that's a whole lot of unreasonable nonsense from someone you're supposed to be co-parenting with.
If you don't want to go that route yet then tell him to sleep on the couch, but insist that he see a doctor too.
posted by bile and syntax at 6:27 AM on January 31, 2020 [9 favorites]
My husband snores. He's getting a sleep study this spring. The best fix I've found is to reach over rub his back/shoulder in circles until he rolls over or straightens out his neck. For him, it's actually more effective than poking or talking to him, which I have tried in the past.
posted by See you tomorrow, saguaro at 6:30 AM on January 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by See you tomorrow, saguaro at 6:30 AM on January 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
If I'm only halfwoke, I will push, groan, whine, wriggle and flop around to shake the bed, and have a lot of awful, resentful, half-awake lizardbrain thoughts about my innocent, peacefully sleeping snoreful partner. If I'm all the way awake, I remember that I have manners and consideration for others, and above all that I love this person and want him to sleep well and long. I remember that I have the capacity to quash my dumb, murderous lizard asshole brain, so that's what I do. I grab ear plugs or move to another room. We both snore; he never wakes me up; I am so lucky to have him next to me I can barely believe it. He is the best thing in my life, so the least I can do is give him some simple human decency and let him sleep. Remind your partner that he's not just a lizard, or if that's all he is these days then he needs to live among other lizards or by himself.
posted by Don Pepino at 7:26 AM on January 31, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by Don Pepino at 7:26 AM on January 31, 2020 [5 favorites]
By refusing to use earplugs, your partner is refusing to do literally the cheapest and easiest thing that might bring them relief. Earplugs, sleep on the couch, or deal with it.
posted by fiercecupcake at 7:31 AM on January 31, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by fiercecupcake at 7:31 AM on January 31, 2020 [2 favorites]
It's normal to nudge a snoring partner so they can roll over if that stops the snoring, I've had this understanding with two longterm partners and neither minded me doing so, and it would stop the snoring most of the time.
In your situation I'd be sleeping separately - the radio and the snoring and the 1 year old all make it really hard to get adequate sleep and you're not wrecking your partner's sleep from the sound of it. I would be pushing hard for them to go to a sleep clinic too.
posted by lafemma at 7:44 AM on January 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
In your situation I'd be sleeping separately - the radio and the snoring and the 1 year old all make it really hard to get adequate sleep and you're not wrecking your partner's sleep from the sound of it. I would be pushing hard for them to go to a sleep clinic too.
posted by lafemma at 7:44 AM on January 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
I'm a snorer and my partner is a light sleeper. The only time she'd jostle or nudge me was to get me to roll over and face away from her. She never wakes me up to stop me from snoring--it's rude and counterproductive--then no one is sleeping! She also got custom-fitted earplugs and they are much better than any other earplugs you can get. They don't block out sound completely, but it's much more muted. She sleeps much more soundly now that she has them.
posted by carrioncomfort at 8:21 AM on January 31, 2020
posted by carrioncomfort at 8:21 AM on January 31, 2020
Sooooo I think part of the reason your husband is getting woken up by your snoring is because he obviously has sleep apnea. "frequently stops breathing during the night" is what sleep apnea is. The consequence is he's unable to get into a deep sleep where his brain won't get woken up by stimulus like your snoring. That's probably why you, who went to the sleep clinic and apparently don't have sleep apnea, can sleep despite him snoring unless he wakes you up, it sounds like?
Sleeping somewhere else might fix this problem for you but not him. That doesn't mean he's going to realize this: once your (assumed) snoring stimulus is gone he might assume he's now able to sleep (because when his sleep is getting disrupted his brain doesn't have anything to latch onto as the cause) even though he still actually isn't. He's lucky that sleep apnea is a sleeping disorder that we actually have effective treatments for, but that's not going to help him if he doesn't seek out treatment. There's a book called Why We Sleep that talks about the mechanics of sleep and why it's important to get sleep and the consequences of not getting it, sometimes in a fairly scare mongery fashion.
My dad had sleep apnea and neglected to go get treatment for it for years and years. My mother would wake him up in the middle of the night not because of his snoring but because his snoring would stop as he stopped breathing because of the apnea and she'd wake up and be worried that he wasn't going to start up again. He wouldn't have died, to my understanding people with sleep apnea don't die from stopping breathing in the middle of the night, though they often die from strokes or heart attacks after years of the chronic stresses from the condition. But if she hadn't have shaken him awake it's not like he would have been sleeping well, either.
My husband has sleep apnea. When we slept together, he would sometimes in an unconscious state start interacting with me, because he wasn't actually getting deep sleep. I told him about his snoring and that he might want a sleep study, he just got one and got a CPAP and uses it and it does help. We still sleep apart these days--sometimes in the same room with me on a fold up twin bed-- because he's a light sleeper and sleep is important.
But you can't force him to fix this and it doesn't sound like he's not going to stop doing it whether you think it's reasonable or not. If the couch sucks too much to sleep on: This folding 4" mattress is $133 and you can get a carrying case for $25. This foldable stowable bed frame is $55.. Put on your own metaphorical CPAP mask on first, you won't lose by getting better sleep for yourself.
posted by foxfirefey at 9:02 AM on January 31, 2020 [4 favorites]
Sleeping somewhere else might fix this problem for you but not him. That doesn't mean he's going to realize this: once your (assumed) snoring stimulus is gone he might assume he's now able to sleep (because when his sleep is getting disrupted his brain doesn't have anything to latch onto as the cause) even though he still actually isn't. He's lucky that sleep apnea is a sleeping disorder that we actually have effective treatments for, but that's not going to help him if he doesn't seek out treatment. There's a book called Why We Sleep that talks about the mechanics of sleep and why it's important to get sleep and the consequences of not getting it, sometimes in a fairly scare mongery fashion.
My dad had sleep apnea and neglected to go get treatment for it for years and years. My mother would wake him up in the middle of the night not because of his snoring but because his snoring would stop as he stopped breathing because of the apnea and she'd wake up and be worried that he wasn't going to start up again. He wouldn't have died, to my understanding people with sleep apnea don't die from stopping breathing in the middle of the night, though they often die from strokes or heart attacks after years of the chronic stresses from the condition. But if she hadn't have shaken him awake it's not like he would have been sleeping well, either.
My husband has sleep apnea. When we slept together, he would sometimes in an unconscious state start interacting with me, because he wasn't actually getting deep sleep. I told him about his snoring and that he might want a sleep study, he just got one and got a CPAP and uses it and it does help. We still sleep apart these days--sometimes in the same room with me on a fold up twin bed-- because he's a light sleeper and sleep is important.
But you can't force him to fix this and it doesn't sound like he's not going to stop doing it whether you think it's reasonable or not. If the couch sucks too much to sleep on: This folding 4" mattress is $133 and you can get a carrying case for $25. This foldable stowable bed frame is $55.. Put on your own metaphorical CPAP mask on first, you won't lose by getting better sleep for yourself.
posted by foxfirefey at 9:02 AM on January 31, 2020 [4 favorites]
just chiming back in here to suggest that you take this seriously -- both your need for sleep, and his.
Constant waking will make you literally crazy over time and will make you hate the person who does it to you. If you want your marriage to succeed, you need to prioritize solving this so that you both stop waking each other up. From what you've said here it's already gone beyond "grumpy" and well into irrational. If you don't have a spare room, even a foam mat on the cushion of your living room or your kid's room would be better than what you're doing.
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:46 AM on January 31, 2020 [4 favorites]
Constant waking will make you literally crazy over time and will make you hate the person who does it to you. If you want your marriage to succeed, you need to prioritize solving this so that you both stop waking each other up. From what you've said here it's already gone beyond "grumpy" and well into irrational. If you don't have a spare room, even a foam mat on the cushion of your living room or your kid's room would be better than what you're doing.
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:46 AM on January 31, 2020 [4 favorites]
If you are sleeping in the same room as a snorer, and their snoring is keeping you up, then it's reasonable to wake them. What's not reasonable is to let this situation persist long-term and keep complaining about it instead of switching to sleeping in separate rooms.
posted by waffleriot at 12:48 PM on January 31, 2020
posted by waffleriot at 12:48 PM on January 31, 2020
If a second bedroom isn't possible, then do whatever you have to in order to ensure you both have a place to sleep peacefully - couch, folding mattress, whatever will work.
I'm the occasional light sleeper, my wife tends to snore. Earplugs don't work that well for me unfortunately (I have a white-noise machine and it's hard for either of us to sleep without background noise). I've found the only two thing that really helps is making sure I'm good and tired when I go to bed (and try not to stay up later than my wife). Failing that, our approach is that if either one of us has trouble sleeping for any reason, they just get up and move to the other room. Honestly, I don't think we could survive long-term without the spare bedroom.
posted by photo guy at 12:50 PM on January 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
I'm the occasional light sleeper, my wife tends to snore. Earplugs don't work that well for me unfortunately (I have a white-noise machine and it's hard for either of us to sleep without background noise). I've found the only two thing that really helps is making sure I'm good and tired when I go to bed (and try not to stay up later than my wife). Failing that, our approach is that if either one of us has trouble sleeping for any reason, they just get up and move to the other room. Honestly, I don't think we could survive long-term without the spare bedroom.
posted by photo guy at 12:50 PM on January 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
My dad snored like crazy, but refused to do anything about it because he was all "I don't know what you're talking about I never hear snoring" but he was clearly stopping breathing many many times in the night. My mom had to deal with this for like 50 years! eventually she got him to agree to let her record him snoring, including the strangled sounds he made when he stopped breathing. Hearing that, he finally agreed to a sleep study which, no surprise, showed that he had really terrible sleep apnea, and that he needed a cpap machine. now he sleeps really well, is way less crabby, and my mom gets sleep too. So see if he's willing to let you record his snoring/breathing.
But to answer your actual question - it's only reasonable to wake you when you're snoring if you are also allowed to wake him when he snores. I would bet that if you tried treating him the exact way he is treating you he would totally freak out. Which is where the real problem is - he's decided that it's ok to subject you to all kinds of noise while you try to sleep, but is angry when you make some noise too. And that you're taking steps to fix it and he's refusing too. it's crazy unfair, in your shoes I would be seriously reconsidering my commitment to someone who seems to be so damn self-centered.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:16 PM on January 31, 2020 [6 favorites]
But to answer your actual question - it's only reasonable to wake you when you're snoring if you are also allowed to wake him when he snores. I would bet that if you tried treating him the exact way he is treating you he would totally freak out. Which is where the real problem is - he's decided that it's ok to subject you to all kinds of noise while you try to sleep, but is angry when you make some noise too. And that you're taking steps to fix it and he's refusing too. it's crazy unfair, in your shoes I would be seriously reconsidering my commitment to someone who seems to be so damn self-centered.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 1:16 PM on January 31, 2020 [6 favorites]
I know you went to a sleep doctor. When I got a CPAP for my apnea, it completely stopped my snoring. Why? Because I have to keep my mouth closed for the CPAP to work, so I am breathing through my nose all night.
If either of you has a legitimate issue, try a CPAP machine. Mine did wonders for my sleep and my spouse's (at the time).
posted by tacodave at 4:33 PM on January 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
If either of you has a legitimate issue, try a CPAP machine. Mine did wonders for my sleep and my spouse's (at the time).
posted by tacodave at 4:33 PM on January 31, 2020 [1 favorite]
I understand that you are frustrated with your partner. At the same time, like several people above, I also understand what means to be maddened by the unceasing hrrr-hrrr-hrrr from the partner sleeping so soundly it comes across as an affront. Of course it isn't, but that's how it feels. Yes, I have woken my partner up when he is snoring. Yes, partner has been aggrieved. Yes, I have ended up on couches, in bathtubs and on floors in an attempt to escape. The problem precedes the partner. I am unable to tolerate anyone's snoring even with earplugs, a white noise machine, and the acquisition of a larger bed.
The solution was to sleep in my own room. I see the problem as being my responsibility because I am an extremely light sleeper, so that was my solution. Partner does not like this solution but, sorry, the snoring drives us both nuts in that it causes major sleep-deprived angst-driven fights when one of us is continually kept awake and the other is continually woken up. Get your own room or make him get his. It beats trying to make a bathtub comfortable with a comforter and that scratchy pillow from the couch.
posted by Crystal Fox at 4:34 PM on January 31, 2020 [4 favorites]
The solution was to sleep in my own room. I see the problem as being my responsibility because I am an extremely light sleeper, so that was my solution. Partner does not like this solution but, sorry, the snoring drives us both nuts in that it causes major sleep-deprived angst-driven fights when one of us is continually kept awake and the other is continually woken up. Get your own room or make him get his. It beats trying to make a bathtub comfortable with a comforter and that scratchy pillow from the couch.
posted by Crystal Fox at 4:34 PM on January 31, 2020 [4 favorites]
It's not okay for him to have one rule for himself and another for you. It's even worse because he's refusing to do anything about this issue aside from wake you up. Is there anywhere else you can sleep? I would go on a "bed strike." Sleep elsewhere until he deals with his own problem. Really, he should be sleeping elsewhere but he sounds like such an asshole I doubt he'd agree to that. You need sleep.
Further, everything you described about his sleep indicates that he is desperately in need of a CPAP. I wouldn't be surprised if he was waking up largely because of that. It could be that you are in fact, barely snoring, since the sleep study didn't find anything conclusive. I am so angry on your behalf.
posted by purple_bird at 5:15 PM on January 31, 2020 [3 favorites]
Further, everything you described about his sleep indicates that he is desperately in need of a CPAP. I wouldn't be surprised if he was waking up largely because of that. It could be that you are in fact, barely snoring, since the sleep study didn't find anything conclusive. I am so angry on your behalf.
posted by purple_bird at 5:15 PM on January 31, 2020 [3 favorites]
As long as you're sleeping in the same room, there will be at least one of you not getting any sleep. I don't think it's inherently more fair for it to be them rather than you or for it to be you rather than them. You're just not sleep compatible, and arguing about who bears more of the blame is the opposite of productive. Separate sleeping locations ASAP. Maybe you can revisit the issue down the road when both of you are not quite so sleep-deprived.
PS earplugs of any kind are extremely painful for me, so I also can't get behind the idea that they're some kind of panacea.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:45 AM on February 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
PS earplugs of any kind are extremely painful for me, so I also can't get behind the idea that they're some kind of panacea.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 5:45 AM on February 1, 2020 [1 favorite]
I’d sleep in a different room. I snore and my girlfriend hates it. If you want things to work...do something out of the ordinary.
posted by slt91766 at 3:25 AM on June 1, 2020
posted by slt91766 at 3:25 AM on June 1, 2020
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by pinochiette at 7:38 PM on January 30, 2020 [88 favorites]