Elderly Parents, Failing Health (or is it)? What to do?
January 26, 2020 12:22 PM Subscribe
While my elderly mother's (82) marriage has always revolved around her husband's (86) various "illnesses," there has been increased concern about the decisions she is reporting (refusal to take meds, refusal to see doctors). No offspring live nearby, and we are unsure how any of us help when mom is actively refusing any assistance, as she always has. We also don't know how real any of these illnesses are.
Here's the backstory: mom and her husband live about 200-400 miles away from me and the other three kids. Their marriage has always revolved around my stepfather's various ailments which are GI-related and in the form of him not being able to eat certain foods or even have certain foods where he could smell them. As a family, our everyday lives revolved around his reported pain levels.
The list of things he could and couldn't eat were random and nonsensical.
Please trust me when I say that years back a doctor felt this is a manifestation of anxiety. There are no genuine allergies or chemical/food/any sensitivities, there are no actual GI issues (again, other than anxiety). As far as we know, he has not been to a doctor since and refuses to see one now.
His illnesses are the bond that holds their marriage together as well as the bond that frustrates the siblings, so there's also some baggage attached here. He seems to become very unwell when he has to see any of us and our families, sometimes needing an ER trip (where they find nothing) or at the very least, needing to go home early. This has been the status quo for decades. He seems to get very ill when he is around us. So whenever my mom gets a moment to focus on anyone but him, he gets very ill, needing her full attention.
The two of them have chosen this relationship over any of us or their grandkids, so all my siblings and I are a bit emotionally cut off from them.
In the past year, my mom's only conversation has been about his illnesses. She now says my stepdad has lost a significant amount of weight and will not see a doctor. He also refuses to take medication because it's too expensive. She will not tell us what this medication is, so we are not even certain this is real. He also refuses to get a hearing aid. My siblings and I have offered to pay for all of this; my mother refuses to accept our money.
One sibling has forcefully said they will make the appointments and take my stepfather, this offer was refused.
How do my siblings and I navigate this, knowing that on the one hand their marriage is all about his various illnesses but conversely they are getting older and are refusing help? How would you--or would you--approach them?
Here's the backstory: mom and her husband live about 200-400 miles away from me and the other three kids. Their marriage has always revolved around my stepfather's various ailments which are GI-related and in the form of him not being able to eat certain foods or even have certain foods where he could smell them. As a family, our everyday lives revolved around his reported pain levels.
The list of things he could and couldn't eat were random and nonsensical.
Please trust me when I say that years back a doctor felt this is a manifestation of anxiety. There are no genuine allergies or chemical/food/any sensitivities, there are no actual GI issues (again, other than anxiety). As far as we know, he has not been to a doctor since and refuses to see one now.
His illnesses are the bond that holds their marriage together as well as the bond that frustrates the siblings, so there's also some baggage attached here. He seems to become very unwell when he has to see any of us and our families, sometimes needing an ER trip (where they find nothing) or at the very least, needing to go home early. This has been the status quo for decades. He seems to get very ill when he is around us. So whenever my mom gets a moment to focus on anyone but him, he gets very ill, needing her full attention.
The two of them have chosen this relationship over any of us or their grandkids, so all my siblings and I are a bit emotionally cut off from them.
In the past year, my mom's only conversation has been about his illnesses. She now says my stepdad has lost a significant amount of weight and will not see a doctor. He also refuses to take medication because it's too expensive. She will not tell us what this medication is, so we are not even certain this is real. He also refuses to get a hearing aid. My siblings and I have offered to pay for all of this; my mother refuses to accept our money.
One sibling has forcefully said they will make the appointments and take my stepfather, this offer was refused.
How do my siblings and I navigate this, knowing that on the one hand their marriage is all about his various illnesses but conversely they are getting older and are refusing help? How would you--or would you--approach them?
Help him with what? He’s not sick. It sounds like his illnesses are made up so he doesn’t have to interact with you in any way and your mother knows this, supports and enables it. If this is the case, there’s nothing to be done. There’s nothing to be fixed.
They’re adults with agency, you haven’t mentioned anything about dementia or abuse so it doesn’t sound like there’s a case for getting authorities involved, they’re making these decisions of sound mind and you can’t force him and she won’t listen. He’s not ill, he simply dislikes all of you enough (or whatever) that he’s prepared to go through a ridiculous song and dance to avoid you. It’s sucks. I’m sorry. Let it go.
posted by Jubey at 12:46 PM on January 26, 2020 [15 favorites]
They’re adults with agency, you haven’t mentioned anything about dementia or abuse so it doesn’t sound like there’s a case for getting authorities involved, they’re making these decisions of sound mind and you can’t force him and she won’t listen. He’s not ill, he simply dislikes all of you enough (or whatever) that he’s prepared to go through a ridiculous song and dance to avoid you. It’s sucks. I’m sorry. Let it go.
posted by Jubey at 12:46 PM on January 26, 2020 [15 favorites]
He's 86 and rapidly losing weight, he probably is quite ill. Yes he's an anxious, self absorbed person who you rightly dislike because he's been using his health to control your mother, but I think you need to be prepared for this to be the real deal and your mother to potentially need help or be on her own soon. You and your siblings don't need to get sucked into their dynamic but you probably need to have a discussion about what to do about that. If you can afford it maybe set up an emergency fund now that you all contribute some money too each month and let your mom know so it relieves some of her anxiety. Your mom is reaching out to you because she's old and afraid, juat keep that in mind and let it guide your actions.
posted by fshgrl at 1:04 PM on January 26, 2020 [23 favorites]
posted by fshgrl at 1:04 PM on January 26, 2020 [23 favorites]
If he said to you, "I've lived a long life and I'm not interesting in dragging it out as long as possible while my health fades. I've decided not to seek any more medical treatment. I understand that may shorten my life and I'm okay with that," would you accept and respect that decision? As long as he doesn't seem to have dementia, I think you can deal with the situation pretty much the way you would if he had explicitly told you that. Either he's not really ill at all (in which case you don't need to do anything) or he's ill and doesn't want treatment (in which case you probably should respect his wishes.) Does your mother seem distressed that he won't take medication or go to the doctor? If so, you can focus on ways to help her, but it sounds like offering money or offering to force her husband to see a doctor aren't things she wants. See if you can figure out what she does want.
posted by Redstart at 1:07 PM on January 26, 2020 [6 favorites]
posted by Redstart at 1:07 PM on January 26, 2020 [6 favorites]
How would I approach this? With great relief that she's not asking for money, that's how.
Guy is 86. Even if he hadn't been a hypochondriac for years he'd probably have plenty of problems. Even if he wanted your help, it's not the case that paying money or seeing more doctors is going to make an 86 year old man all of a sudden be out of reach of death. Plenty of people die a lot younger than that.
Offer your mom sympathy. "That's hard. I know you guys love each other so much. You're strong. We love you." Wait for things to play out. Don't go visit her, that's going to just stir up a hornet's nest. Long distance sympathy is all you can or should offer.
For purposes of your own planning, assume you will get nothing from her estate, as he may worry her into passing before he does.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:09 PM on January 26, 2020 [9 favorites]
Guy is 86. Even if he hadn't been a hypochondriac for years he'd probably have plenty of problems. Even if he wanted your help, it's not the case that paying money or seeing more doctors is going to make an 86 year old man all of a sudden be out of reach of death. Plenty of people die a lot younger than that.
Offer your mom sympathy. "That's hard. I know you guys love each other so much. You're strong. We love you." Wait for things to play out. Don't go visit her, that's going to just stir up a hornet's nest. Long distance sympathy is all you can or should offer.
For purposes of your own planning, assume you will get nothing from her estate, as he may worry her into passing before he does.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:09 PM on January 26, 2020 [9 favorites]
What would I do? I would be worried about what other basic needs are not being met if there maybe is not enough money for medication, and I would be very concerned about the reports of significant weight loss and the refusal to see a doctor, and I would Get a Lawyer (MeFi Wiki) who focuses on Elder Law, for at least a consultation to learn more about my options and to better prepare for the possible next steps.
posted by katra at 2:19 PM on January 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by katra at 2:19 PM on January 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
His illness and her enabling are the rhythm of their relationship, and I doubt that will change at a time of stress in their lives. It seems that accommodating his medical demands without any outside help is key, and as long as she can manage I doubt she will accept help. I agree that with tremendous weight loss you are probably looking at real illness. Unintended weight loss can be attributed to many things, including eating less from a GI illness, but to medical folks it's a sign to look for cancer. If he is refusing medication and medical attention this will probably continue as you describe until there is some sort of real medical crisis. There is not much you or health authorities can force on unwilling people.
One suggestion is for you to contact an agency on aging or older adults in your mother's location to see if they will send a social worker, but your mother may angrily reject them. I had an aunt who lived alone, estranged from nearly all the family, a hoarder in a home that had many safety deficits. She was probably more paranoid than anything else. Her son more than once drove 5 hours to see her only to have her refuse to open the door or answer the phone. She would not allow anyone at all in the home and threatened the postman who tried to deliver a package. She had a gun and actually shot and killed a neighbor's dog who strayed onto her property. All this to show that she was Much Worse than your mom, and actually a potential threat to others. What was the fallout? Absolutely nothing was done and no authorities took any action.
She was actually mentally ill, and only a fall and 911 call got her out of her house. During her hospitalization for her physical injury her mental illness became apparent to the medical staff and she was forcibly committed for mental health treatment. The situation is still not completely resolved because once she is stabilized she can sign herself out. There is absolutely nothing we, the family can do to stop her secluding herself in her bunker if that's what she decides to do. You cannot force people to accept assistance. This is quite an extreme example, but this is all true and happened in the past year. I'm sorry for the distress this is causing your family.
posted by citygirl at 2:23 PM on January 26, 2020 [4 favorites]
One suggestion is for you to contact an agency on aging or older adults in your mother's location to see if they will send a social worker, but your mother may angrily reject them. I had an aunt who lived alone, estranged from nearly all the family, a hoarder in a home that had many safety deficits. She was probably more paranoid than anything else. Her son more than once drove 5 hours to see her only to have her refuse to open the door or answer the phone. She would not allow anyone at all in the home and threatened the postman who tried to deliver a package. She had a gun and actually shot and killed a neighbor's dog who strayed onto her property. All this to show that she was Much Worse than your mom, and actually a potential threat to others. What was the fallout? Absolutely nothing was done and no authorities took any action.
She was actually mentally ill, and only a fall and 911 call got her out of her house. During her hospitalization for her physical injury her mental illness became apparent to the medical staff and she was forcibly committed for mental health treatment. The situation is still not completely resolved because once she is stabilized she can sign herself out. There is absolutely nothing we, the family can do to stop her secluding herself in her bunker if that's what she decides to do. You cannot force people to accept assistance. This is quite an extreme example, but this is all true and happened in the past year. I'm sorry for the distress this is causing your family.
posted by citygirl at 2:23 PM on January 26, 2020 [4 favorites]
You're not going to be able to change either one of them, so the question is how much do you and your siblings want to involve yourself in their lives, pre-crisis? The answer may be zero, or more than you are currently. I don't blame you either way. But the crisis will come.
For my hypochondriac close relative, the day did come when her actual state was as bad as she'd been convincing herself it was for decades. The last year of her life was difficult, but she managed on her own, mostly, a few hundred miles away from the rest of the family, until her state of crisis arrived and everyone had to mobilize to assist just a few weeks before she died.
Another close relative was in that state of refusal -- no doctors, no hospitals, etc. -- even as a small ailment, left untreated, escalated to crisis levels. He died in the ER of something antibiotics would have cured.
If this was my mom, I'd probably visit, get her alone, and ask her straight up if she wants help or wants to leave him. If her answer is no, then there's your answer.
posted by BlahLaLa at 2:23 PM on January 26, 2020 [3 favorites]
For my hypochondriac close relative, the day did come when her actual state was as bad as she'd been convincing herself it was for decades. The last year of her life was difficult, but she managed on her own, mostly, a few hundred miles away from the rest of the family, until her state of crisis arrived and everyone had to mobilize to assist just a few weeks before she died.
Another close relative was in that state of refusal -- no doctors, no hospitals, etc. -- even as a small ailment, left untreated, escalated to crisis levels. He died in the ER of something antibiotics would have cured.
If this was my mom, I'd probably visit, get her alone, and ask her straight up if she wants help or wants to leave him. If her answer is no, then there's your answer.
posted by BlahLaLa at 2:23 PM on January 26, 2020 [3 favorites]
I think you’re right that there is a lot of anxiety there, but I don’t think I would be quite so dismissive of it. Anxiety is a real thing and can lead to all sorts of dysfunction. Friends and family brushing anxiety off is what leads people to express it as a "being sick" — they’re saying what will get them taken seriously.
That said, it’s probably late to have that conversation with your stepfather. But I have another concern:
How much of your communication about your stepfather‘s condition actually comes from your stepfather versus how much is from your mother? Is it possible that she’s using her husband’s finickiness as a way to cover her own anxiety, perhaps more so as she’s getting older?
I think the first thing I would do is establish a direct line of communication to your stepfather. Even if both their stories are warped you can at least contrast and compare.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:37 PM on January 26, 2020 [3 favorites]
That said, it’s probably late to have that conversation with your stepfather. But I have another concern:
How much of your communication about your stepfather‘s condition actually comes from your stepfather versus how much is from your mother? Is it possible that she’s using her husband’s finickiness as a way to cover her own anxiety, perhaps more so as she’s getting older?
I think the first thing I would do is establish a direct line of communication to your stepfather. Even if both their stories are warped you can at least contrast and compare.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:37 PM on January 26, 2020 [3 favorites]
Set yourself free. These are the choices your mom and stepfather have made. As long as you don't fear abuse or dementia, you have to let them live with them. In my experience, women who choose this form of self-semi-annihilation (as opposed to being abused into it) into retirement don't change. How can they? "Whoops, I just realized that I threw my life away babysitting some malingering jerk?" And God knows the men never do. In any event, it is their choice what degree of medical help they seek. If an 86-year-old man doesn't want to spend his last year or two being poked and prodded and drugged, that actually is a decision you have to respect.
Also, you will never "win" the argument that he's been faking it. You will never "prove" this to your mother. You should understand that he will go to the grave lying about his condition, with her backing him up. You've got to accept this and not let your choices be guided by any hope that something, anything, you do will somehow unravel that. It's a hard point to get to, but ultimately it simplifies things.
If it distresses you to have these conversations with your mother, you can tell her that you love her but it's painful for her to bring up these situations when she refuses to let you help, and then refuse to engage with that topic any more. (It's probably part of the psychological compensation she gets from the situation to play worried and helpless to pull in your attention and sympathy, but then refuse to let you help to assert her power.) But if you do that, you'll probably be losing some access to information that might be useful in tending to your mother's ultimate welfare, so weigh your choices carefully there.
posted by praemunire at 5:04 PM on January 26, 2020 [7 favorites]
Also, you will never "win" the argument that he's been faking it. You will never "prove" this to your mother. You should understand that he will go to the grave lying about his condition, with her backing him up. You've got to accept this and not let your choices be guided by any hope that something, anything, you do will somehow unravel that. It's a hard point to get to, but ultimately it simplifies things.
If it distresses you to have these conversations with your mother, you can tell her that you love her but it's painful for her to bring up these situations when she refuses to let you help, and then refuse to engage with that topic any more. (It's probably part of the psychological compensation she gets from the situation to play worried and helpless to pull in your attention and sympathy, but then refuse to let you help to assert her power.) But if you do that, you'll probably be losing some access to information that might be useful in tending to your mother's ultimate welfare, so weigh your choices carefully there.
posted by praemunire at 5:04 PM on January 26, 2020 [7 favorites]
« Older Film: Woman taking tickets at porn theatre goes... | Concerns about grad school professor Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
...and they still kind of do, don't they?
What would happen if you stopped making an effort? What would happen if you (being the kind person you are) would continue to listen and nod to your mother's worries, but would stop trying to find a solution to them?
What if you let your mother handle or not handle this on her own?
What if your stepfather's health ceases to be a topic of concern and intense discussion in your conversations with your siblings?
posted by Omnomnom at 12:45 PM on January 26, 2020 [18 favorites]