My exes' progress makes me feel inadequate.
January 24, 2020 4:51 PM Subscribe
My exes are smart, accomplished people. So am I. So why do I feel inadequate when I see them doing cool stuff?
When I see my exes getting married, finishing graduate degrees, doing well professionally, being involved in queer communities, and having babies, I feel like shit. I will often feel like shit for several days after finding out that they have achieved some milestone.
I have a child, a couple of graduate degrees, and got engaged a year ago. I have gradually occupied professional positions of greater status, power, and pay. I go on nice vacations a couple of times a year. I am on good terms with my exes but am mostly not in touch with them. I am somewhat more isolated from queer community than most of my exes, partly due to femme invisibility (I am in a relationship with a trans person and we often pass as a straight couple).
I've had some big disappointments in my life, like having to postpone my wedding because of the cost of a custody dispute. It's taken me a long time to find the right partner because I've got trauma and I'm not the easiest person to be in a relationship with. I needed to spend years figuring out how to take care of myself and be a good partner, which seemed to come a lot more naturally to many of my peers. I've messed up a bunch of friendships and relationships, especially when I was in my twenties. Someone I thought I'd be with for life turned out to be abusive. I've gained weight and feel embarrassed about my body, to the extent that I dread running into exes. My child has special needs and my experience of parenting is not the one I imagined it would be. I had a baby before many of my friends did, so while they're going through the cute infant phase, I'm going through the sullen pre-teen phase. When I had a baby, I didn't get to raise it surrounded by community because my friends were at a different life stage.
I think what I'm feeling might be sort of grief-shaped, but I'm not even sure what I'm grieving. After I find out that one of my exes is doing well, it's like there's a raincloud over me for days. I don't wish them any ill will at all - I like these people! But it's sure hard to see them succeed.
What do you do with this feeling?
(I'm already on medication and in therapy)
When I see my exes getting married, finishing graduate degrees, doing well professionally, being involved in queer communities, and having babies, I feel like shit. I will often feel like shit for several days after finding out that they have achieved some milestone.
I have a child, a couple of graduate degrees, and got engaged a year ago. I have gradually occupied professional positions of greater status, power, and pay. I go on nice vacations a couple of times a year. I am on good terms with my exes but am mostly not in touch with them. I am somewhat more isolated from queer community than most of my exes, partly due to femme invisibility (I am in a relationship with a trans person and we often pass as a straight couple).
I've had some big disappointments in my life, like having to postpone my wedding because of the cost of a custody dispute. It's taken me a long time to find the right partner because I've got trauma and I'm not the easiest person to be in a relationship with. I needed to spend years figuring out how to take care of myself and be a good partner, which seemed to come a lot more naturally to many of my peers. I've messed up a bunch of friendships and relationships, especially when I was in my twenties. Someone I thought I'd be with for life turned out to be abusive. I've gained weight and feel embarrassed about my body, to the extent that I dread running into exes. My child has special needs and my experience of parenting is not the one I imagined it would be. I had a baby before many of my friends did, so while they're going through the cute infant phase, I'm going through the sullen pre-teen phase. When I had a baby, I didn't get to raise it surrounded by community because my friends were at a different life stage.
I think what I'm feeling might be sort of grief-shaped, but I'm not even sure what I'm grieving. After I find out that one of my exes is doing well, it's like there's a raincloud over me for days. I don't wish them any ill will at all - I like these people! But it's sure hard to see them succeed.
What do you do with this feeling?
(I'm already on medication and in therapy)
A friend of mine put it this way - that in your secret heart of hearts, even if you're on good terms with your exes, you kinda-sorta still want to know that they kinda-sorta never got over you. It's a weird feeling when someone with whom you shared a significant part of your life in a major way suddenly splits off; they kind of "were" your life in a way and now they're not there. So to see evidence that they actually went onto a whole other life with you not in it can kind of be a mind-scramble.
Not sure what I would advise you to do with this feeling other than reassure you that it is very common. ....Something that did help when I heard about my one-that-got-away ex having kids - he gave his kids super, super dippy names. He was the only person I had ever seen myself having kids with - but when I heard what he named his son, my gut-level reaction was "oh HELL no I would never name my kid that." It was petty of me, and it wasn't even a bad name, but I kind of reminded myself of that feeling whenever I felt an attack of "oh I miss him" coming on; I'd remind myself that "yeah, but if he were still around I'd have a kid with a name from prerevolutionary France." It kind of brought me down to earth and reminded me that his life maybe wasn't quite so idealized as it seemed, and that got me over the hump some. Maybe find some nit to pick about your exes - even if it's petty - to remind you that it's not perfect for them.
But this is very common, I think.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:39 PM on January 24, 2020 [9 favorites]
Not sure what I would advise you to do with this feeling other than reassure you that it is very common. ....Something that did help when I heard about my one-that-got-away ex having kids - he gave his kids super, super dippy names. He was the only person I had ever seen myself having kids with - but when I heard what he named his son, my gut-level reaction was "oh HELL no I would never name my kid that." It was petty of me, and it wasn't even a bad name, but I kind of reminded myself of that feeling whenever I felt an attack of "oh I miss him" coming on; I'd remind myself that "yeah, but if he were still around I'd have a kid with a name from prerevolutionary France." It kind of brought me down to earth and reminded me that his life maybe wasn't quite so idealized as it seemed, and that got me over the hump some. Maybe find some nit to pick about your exes - even if it's petty - to remind you that it's not perfect for them.
But this is very common, I think.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 5:39 PM on January 24, 2020 [9 favorites]
When I started reading your post grief immediately sprung to mind. I think these are the lost moments of your relationships — they’re the milestones you would have celebrated if you were still together. Those joint successes are part of what you gave up when you moved on, and now you can never be a part of them. Seeing those successes are a reminder of something that will never be.
And of course it doesn’t help that they’re seen through a filter that strips out all the ugliness. As mentioned above your own successes will never be as pristine as the social media versions you are seeing of others.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:11 PM on January 24, 2020 [5 favorites]
And of course it doesn’t help that they’re seen through a filter that strips out all the ugliness. As mentioned above your own successes will never be as pristine as the social media versions you are seeing of others.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:11 PM on January 24, 2020 [5 favorites]
I feel this honestly on every social media about everyone I know. I think it's because the part of your brain that knows what you want and points at things and says "I want that" is totally disconnected from the part that points at things and says "I have that." They can't communicate. This is why people buy things they don't need. This is why it's so hard to get rid of stuff you don't want. This is why it's so easy to trick people in so many ways. See apple-> want apple. See baby -> want baby. But at least I can say that being able to identify what's happening makes it easy to interrupt the sadness cycle before it gets spinning. You have to manually switch the pointer from "want" to "have".
posted by bleep at 7:18 PM on January 24, 2020 [7 favorites]
posted by bleep at 7:18 PM on January 24, 2020 [7 favorites]
Facebook and Instagram make us compare our everyday mundane life to other people's highlight reels.
posted by bbqturtle at 7:25 PM on January 24, 2020 [5 favorites]
posted by bbqturtle at 7:25 PM on January 24, 2020 [5 favorites]
Just a small thing—I had my first kid older than I meant to, and I am very jealous (in a manageable way, certainly, but this is a thing I recognize) of my friends who were able to start having kids younger and are going through all the life stages younger than me. I don't mean this in a general "grass is always greener" way—I mean that there is a very real FOMO on the other side of the one you're feeling, where in hindsight the stuff I was doing in my twenties instead of having kids, which was supposed to be so important that I put off starting a family, feels kind of silly compared to what I am doing now.
If we were all perfectly mentally healthy we would not need to know other people are jealous of us to recognize the benefits of all the choices we make, but hey, we are not all perfectly mentally healthy and I hope this helps.
posted by Polycarp at 8:12 PM on January 24, 2020 [7 favorites]
If we were all perfectly mentally healthy we would not need to know other people are jealous of us to recognize the benefits of all the choices we make, but hey, we are not all perfectly mentally healthy and I hope this helps.
posted by Polycarp at 8:12 PM on January 24, 2020 [7 favorites]
I used to feel this way, but one thing I started doing was to acknowledge that jealousy was not a problem with other parties, but with something lacking in my own life. I took these feelings as signs and reasons for change. It's good you're in therapy. But one thing you bring up again and again is a lack of a queer community for yourself and your family. Can you put yourself out there and connect with queer folks? Are there queer soup nights in your area? They're usually kid friendly.
You might not be able to control the shape of your body or the years you lost. But you can wear clothes that make you feel good, surround yourself with people who understand and support you, craft your own social media in a way that it can become a record of your own happiness and success or refrain from it all together. You can become your own most hated ex, focusing on ways to improve your life rather than continuously grieving what you've lost. That's within your ability.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:05 AM on January 25, 2020 [4 favorites]
You might not be able to control the shape of your body or the years you lost. But you can wear clothes that make you feel good, surround yourself with people who understand and support you, craft your own social media in a way that it can become a record of your own happiness and success or refrain from it all together. You can become your own most hated ex, focusing on ways to improve your life rather than continuously grieving what you've lost. That's within your ability.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:05 AM on January 25, 2020 [4 favorites]
Best answer: PhoBWanKenobi, I have flagged your comment as fantastic. Atheist Al-Anon member here. I also have this problem from time to time. I try to remind myself that jealousy is not my friend. It’s fine to feel it, but that feeling does not acknowledge the reality of life. No one is perfect. Everyone has sorrows (sooner or later; they may be secret or in the future). I have many things to be grateful about. Also, I ask myself if I am truly jealous of the lives of these folks I envy, or jealous of their social status or peer recognition or simply their bank account balance. Figuring that out can be a useful exercise for me.
In my 60s I am trying (and mostly failing) to date women seriously for the first time in my life. I have been late to the party for many notable life events. These include becoming a parent, getting an ADHD diagnosis, discovering that I was kinky, discovering the existence of codependency (howdy, fellow hyper-controlling bitch martyrs in recovery!), realizing my neurodivergence is an actual disability, and realizing that I was a woman attracted to women as well as other genders. Whew.
Years passed while I marinated in bitterness over the unfairness of (issue X) and felt like a capital-V victim. As it turned out, of course, that emotional energy was wasted. It did not make me better, stronger, or more interesting. Today, am I sorry that none of the gals I want to jump want to jump me? Sure! Am I jealous of folks who have the partners or sex life or Pulitzer Prize or apartment I want but lack? Ubetcha! But I feel my feels for a bit, then refocus my attention.
I am slowly becoming a part of the local lesbian/bisexual community where I live. I am meeting other folks with ADHD and feeling seen and heard. I am carefully attempting to identify what I want and trying to make sure my goals are not based on status signifiers and societal expectations. I used to own a home. Now I rent a room. That fact has been a source of deep shame and a wellspring of jealousy toward others. Which is crazy pants, because a room is exactly what I need at this time.
TL;DR: Fight this tendency with all your might. Feel and acknowledge your jealousy but then follow PhoBWanKenobi’s inspired advice. Thanks for this question, OP. You are worthy and lovable and nothing others do can change that.
posted by Bella Donna at 8:07 AM on January 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
In my 60s I am trying (and mostly failing) to date women seriously for the first time in my life. I have been late to the party for many notable life events. These include becoming a parent, getting an ADHD diagnosis, discovering that I was kinky, discovering the existence of codependency (howdy, fellow hyper-controlling bitch martyrs in recovery!), realizing my neurodivergence is an actual disability, and realizing that I was a woman attracted to women as well as other genders. Whew.
Years passed while I marinated in bitterness over the unfairness of (issue X) and felt like a capital-V victim. As it turned out, of course, that emotional energy was wasted. It did not make me better, stronger, or more interesting. Today, am I sorry that none of the gals I want to jump want to jump me? Sure! Am I jealous of folks who have the partners or sex life or Pulitzer Prize or apartment I want but lack? Ubetcha! But I feel my feels for a bit, then refocus my attention.
I am slowly becoming a part of the local lesbian/bisexual community where I live. I am meeting other folks with ADHD and feeling seen and heard. I am carefully attempting to identify what I want and trying to make sure my goals are not based on status signifiers and societal expectations. I used to own a home. Now I rent a room. That fact has been a source of deep shame and a wellspring of jealousy toward others. Which is crazy pants, because a room is exactly what I need at this time.
TL;DR: Fight this tendency with all your might. Feel and acknowledge your jealousy but then follow PhoBWanKenobi’s inspired advice. Thanks for this question, OP. You are worthy and lovable and nothing others do can change that.
posted by Bella Donna at 8:07 AM on January 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Please forgive me if I'm off the mark, but I think another thing might be going on. Your emphasis on milestones feels straight to me. You don't say how old you are, but more and more us queer folks are told to think of ourselves as assimilated, and we are told to get married and have kids and buy property together and all that stuff that straight people "know" from childhood is their life plan. You two being able to pass as a cishet couple may be making you unwittingly fall into that trap even harder. Do you mostly hang out with cishet parents? You clearly crave more contact with queer people, and building a chosen family of queer and/or trans folks who will sit across your kitchen table from you and actually be present for an intimate relationship where you can talk about the good and bad things in your lives seems like it would really help many of these issues.
I wish peace and love for you.
posted by fritley at 5:33 PM on January 24, 2020 [11 favorites]