Do I tell my partner that she's not sexy even though the sex is good?

January 9, 2020 8:24 PM

I have been dating a woman for 6 months who is great in a lot of ways. We get along rather well, we are at the same place in our lives, I respect and seek out her opinion, we trust each other and enjoy each other's company. I can see myself building a relationship with her for these reasons. But the romantic energy wanes on my end because she's a goofball.

I, a woman, have been dating a woman for 6 months who is great in a lot of ways. We get along rather well, we are at the same place in our lives, I respect and seek out her opinion, we trust each other and enjoy each other's company. I can see myself building a relationship with her for these reasons.

However, one difference between us is that she is very playful and goofy. I appreciate that's part of her personality however, I often find it jarring because it is very spontaneous and loud (think Chris Farley). For example, in good humor, she forced me into one of those carts at target with the large plastic caboose that's probably for children and pushed me around in it. We are both 43 and I was embarrassed but went along because I was very tired and my no's were not heard. She was truly being playful and was genuinely excited by these fun carts.

Aside from this, I find her extremely attractive and a great person but this part of her personality gets in the way of my romantic attraction. I see this a very childlike behavior and it dampens my romantic feelings. This is particularly odd because our sex is great. It's the best sex I've had in my life.

This comes up because recently she mentioned that I don't initiate sex, though it's great for her too when we have sex. So for me, attraction doesn't always mean I want to jump into bed with them. The thing that makes me initiate sex and also feel stronger for someone is that they also offer bit of quiet intimacy or have a serious sultry moment. I feel this is missing and important to me. I find it difficult to go from loud childish behavior to feeling like I want to have sex. We have talked about where sex begins: well before the bedroom, with flirting and connection in general. She agrees but also has a high sex drive and says that because she loves/likes me, it's not difficult. Oddly, she thinks I'm very funny and feels as though she is usually genuinely laughing. And to be fair, my humor is exaggeration and dramatics as well.

She did tell me that her past partners that she was too goofy and not sexy enough so I know she's sensitive about it. Since then, she decided that she wants to be friends with her future partner which I do think we do a great job of but I do wonder if it's at the expense of our romantic relationship.

I adore her and she says she loves me. I feel it too. I don't want to upset her but I am concerned that over time, I won't seek out sex with her. Is there a way to gently approach this subject? Should I just let it come up naturally when she notices and brings it up? Is there another way I could think about this issue or something I should be doing to make this better?

Thank you@

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (17 answers total)

I recommend this over and over because I think it’s legitimately a thing every couple should do: buy the book Eight Dates and do the dates. Sex is number three and rightly after TRUST and then COMMUNICATION.

Otherwise, the best book about sex and desire and relationships is probably Come As You Are and that is recommended here often. You’re completely normal, do not feel like you “should” be a different way. Your partner is also normal. (Everyone is!) What you need to do is open an honest, loving dialogue now before these unsaid thoughts fester and create more blocks and resentment.

Either book would help but the first one is focused activities.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 8:31 PM on January 9, 2020 [6 favorites]

Seconding communicate (honestly and lovingly). I have wrecked more than one relationship by not communicating with my partner, and regretted it after the fact. It's not necessarily easy, I'll be the first to admit; but the consequences have always caused far more and far deeper hurt on both sides than the worst consequences of honest communication.
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:42 PM on January 9, 2020 [1 favorite]

I don't think it would be helpful to tell her you don't find her sexy. I don't see any good coming of that. Perhaps you could suggest things she could do that you do in fact find sexy. Like if she's too busy doing something that turns you on she won't be shoving you into children's toy carts (which I assume is a rather extreme example of her goofiness) or any other goofy behavior. Maybe she's goofy as a coping mechanism as well; she could feel self-conscious acting "sexily" (whatever that even means, really!) so perhaps bring up some thoughts about that with her in a non-accusative sort of way.

On the other hand, as a perennial in-the-sack jokemaker, I can say from experience that not all people will find her goofiness a turn off; rather the opposite for some.
posted by erattacorrige at 8:47 PM on January 9, 2020 [38 favorites]

Don't make a blanket statement about not finding her sexy. Do say "when you do X, it is kind of a turn off for me" along with the positive reinforcement of "wow, when you did Z that was really hot!" Or something along those lines. In other words, as folks above have said, communicate - but be sure that you are communicating about the actual details and about behaviors that you or your partner can change, rather than focusing on how/who they are as a person. In my experience (albeit with cis guys), there are always going to be times or topics where they don't take such communication at face value, and either try to read more into it than is there or don't listen/take it as seriously as necessary. Having a specific workbook to structure such communications around would probably help alleviate this.
posted by eviemath at 9:08 PM on January 9, 2020 [12 favorites]

It's OK to tell her that some things she does are turn-offs, but never, ever tell her she's not sexy. It would probably hurt her in lasting ways. Besides, if you two are having the hottest sex of your life, it seems like you must find her sexy on some level.

She would probably irritate me too, but I feel for this poor woman who seems to have major goofball energy, has tried to suppress it and failed. It was wrong of her to not listen when you said you didn't want to ride around in the caboose thing, and there are probably lots of ways she fails to appreciate when she's annoying people... but if the way you describe her is accurate, I get the feeling she's kind of bashing through life and not even understanding how she might bother people until it's pointed out to her. You can probably school her a bit, if you're willing to do that, and file down some of her goofier edges, but you'll probably never fully de-goofball her and you shouldn't really try.

Maybe this is just who she is. And maybe that's not bad, and she deserves somebody who can appreciate her as she is. Maybe that person is you, but if so you'll need to do some changing too. If she's going to try and de-goof a bit for you, you have to try and loosen up for her, to meet in the middle. Think of every movie you've ever seen about a goofy, childlike adult. Those movies usually end with the person growing up a bit, but they never end with the person totally changing who they are and becoming sober and serious to satisfy the demands of a romantic partner... because that wouldn't actually be a happy ending.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 9:35 PM on January 9, 2020 [25 favorites]

Trying to get her to stop being playful would feel like changing a huge part of her personality and she’d likely (and rightly) resist.

Encouraging her to ADD sultry or quiet intimacy would not require her to change her personality, and would still get you the vibe you desire, so I’d approach it that way.

Any time she’s even a little bit sultry / intimate / whatever, respond with enthusiasm and later muse about how much you liked it. Set up dates where that vibe is appropriate. Be that way yourself, and then make sure to reinforce the vibe with lots of connection and positivity.

Also, though.... I gotta say, her goofiness sounds joyful and appealing to me, so it makes me a bit sad that you find it a major turn off. I hate to think of her smushing that part of herself away for a partner. If you really dislike that huge part of her personality... then maybe you’re actually not the right match. No shame in that. You both deserve to enjoy the vibe you want. Be mindful of not dimming her shine!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 9:37 PM on January 9, 2020 [43 favorites]

Positive reinforcement. If you tell her every time how much you want her, every time she does something that makes you want her, I promise you, she’ll repeat the behavior. People love feeling desired, and love being told they are desirable, in my experience.
posted by Grandysaur at 9:58 PM on January 9, 2020 [5 favorites]

Having been told, recently, by a partner that they do not find me sexy (anymore), I can tell you there is no way telling her that will have the outcome you are hoping for. It will make her insecure and self-conscious and nothing will kill a sex life quicker than feeling that way. I agree with the answers before mine that you should be open and honest about your needs in a specific way and sandwich your concerns with lots of positives and genuine compliments.

Also, realize that it is not her job to be sexy for you all the time. Certainly a healthy sex life includes trying to be sexy for each other with some regularity, but having to be ‘on’ all the goddamn time is exhausting and untennable. She may be able and willing to dial down the goofiness for you at times, but it sounds like she is fundamentally a goofy person and it wouldn’t be right, nor would it work, to ask her to suppress that side of herself. In fact, I think she deserves to be with someone who enjoys that side of her. If you’re going to ask her to try and be a little more ‘mature’ in the bedroom, it might be fair to work on learning to appreciate her childlike joie de vivre outside of it.
posted by piranna at 10:11 PM on January 9, 2020 [29 favorites]

Tell her what you DO want, not what you DON'T want.

The thing that makes me initiate sex and also feel stronger for someone is that they also offer bit of quiet intimacy or have a serious sultry moment.

This might be terrifying for her, and/or she might not know how to do this. Show her what you mean -- really teach her -- and then work to help her feel safe enough to try it.
posted by amtho at 12:51 AM on January 10, 2020 [5 favorites]

Just for anecdotal evidence that this will not end well: I don't recommend making her real personality (re: goofy and childlike) something that seems off-putting to you sexually. I asked my then fiance, who I adored more than anyone on the planet, why he didn't initiate sex with me and he said it was because I wasn't "sexy" to him because of the way I dressed and presented myself naturally, and that broke me and my idealism/trust in others ability to love me for who I was for close to a decade. It made me believe my sexiness is determined by some natural desire and willingness to essentially be someone else's visual stimulation/sex doll 24/7 that I lacked and I actually acted out in very socially damaging ways after that for a few years. It took forever to rebuild my self esteem. That's an extreme case because of my personality, but as other have said, it won't have the effect you want and may actually hurt her in ways long term that you can't predict.

I don't really have recommendations unfortunately. I would say if you don't find her personality a turn on then maybe you should let her find someone who does rather than trying to change her.
posted by Young Kullervo at 5:58 AM on January 10, 2020 [26 favorites]

I agree that telling her she's not sexy can only be harmful.

That said, what I'm reading into this is a lack of attunement on her part. As in, she's not tuned into how you are feeling in a particular moment. She doesn't read your emotional state (even when it's accompanied by words). So, it's not necessarily her goofiness that turns you off--it's that she's not paying attention to whether you're there in the moment along with her. If you had been into riding in the shopping cart, in your example, you probably would have had an enormous amount of fun and excitement about doing something out of the norm with your partner--and that would likely have been a turn-on, not a turn-off.

An emotionally attuned partner who is a goofball would say: "I LOVE these carts? Do you want to ride in one? No? Ok! I'm gonna go find the biggest stuffed animal I can find to put in it and tool around the store. I'll meet you at aisle 7 in 15 minutes."

At only 6 months into the relationship, this is something you could work on if she seems capable of attuning to you in other situations. But (in my experience) it's hard to teach, and personally I wouldn't invest a whole lot of time trying to teach someone these skills at this age.
posted by CiaoMela at 6:53 AM on January 10, 2020 [8 favorites]

I don’t understand a lot of the advice you’re getting here. You’ve only been together for six months, which is peanuts if you’re looking for a life partner, and you already find a big part of her personality to be so unappealing that it makes you not want to have sex with her. You’re incompatible and would both be happier with other people.
posted by cakelite at 7:08 AM on January 10, 2020 [22 favorites]

I would frame this very narrowly. I would re-visit the cart thing and tell her you find it dismissive when your nos are not heard. That is it's own issue and one both of you should take seriously.

I would also talk about how the transition from goofy friendship to romantic sexuality is one you have difficulty with, and that you would like to spend more time specifically nurturing the romantic aspects of your relationship.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:40 AM on January 10, 2020 [6 favorites]

A bit off topic but goofball energy is what has always helped my best relationships be healthy, funny people are a treasure. My partner is funny and can be silly like a kid, and it doesn't lead naturally to romance or sultry moments but it is a wonderful trait in a partner when they can lighten the mood or be upbeat or silly when I'm in a funk or overly serious day to day. It's a good balance as long as they are respectful and responsive to genuine feelings that require a serious response.

FWIW I've had to tell my partner that he needs to help me shift into more of a romance vibe by toning the goofball vibe down when we're going to have sex, I think that's fine and it hasn't seemed to hurt my nearly 3 year long relationship (and he's still found ways to express the clown in himself anyway and it's very funny and makes him, him). I wouldn't say you don't find her/it sexy though, just let her know what you need to get into the zone/what you'd like to express/make space for in your interactions.
posted by lafemma at 9:08 AM on January 10, 2020 [5 favorites]

I would probably try to ask for this sultry/sexy "mood" once or twice a month as a specific "date night" rather than trying to get her to change her personality around the clock. Say, "hey, can we have an out-on-the-town sophisticated dress-up date night?" and then either cook a gourmet meal and light candles and put on jazz, or get her flowers and make a reservation at a dimly lit restaurant, or pick a bar that is dark and adult and sultry. Wear some dressy adult clothes and encourage her to do the same. Speak lower, quieter, slower; give her sticky toffee-eyed gazes. Set the tone you want. (You can do this whole vibe at home if your preference/budget isn't for going out, or just go out for one drink.)

Then jump her bones so hard she feels dizzy.
Do this once or twice a month or so and maybe she'll get the hint. :)
posted by amaire at 12:47 PM on January 10, 2020

you can ask her to stop making loud public displays and pushing you into participating in them, phrased as bluntly or as gently as you think is necessary. I mean you can just do that as its own self-contained discussion, having nothing to do with how seductive you think it isn't, and I don't understand why that isn't the obvious angle to you. Surely you would want her to stop involving you in things you don't like or find embarrassing, even if it had no effect on your attraction to her one way or the other.

dragging eroticism into it will, at the very best, seem like some kind of demeaning carrot-and-stick tactic: don't be more restrained in public because I ask it; do it because I'll reward you by wanting to have more sex with you. that's apart from the basic cruelty of telling her what is unsexy about her, to you. That is a fact about you and your patterns of attraction, and it is not one she needs to know. If you break up, you can and should make it about basic compatibility, not about her attractiveness. to you or otherwise.

if her boisterous habits turn you off in private as much as they do in public, you are not compatible. you can ask her not to say certain things or tease you in certain ways in specific sexual or immediately pre-sexual contexts, yes. you can even demand it. but you can't ask her to in general just not make her kind of jokes or have her kind of fun at home. that is not reasonable. If her expressing her personality is that unbearable to you, the answer is not to tell her to fix it in order to be sexier, but to leave.
posted by queenofbithynia at 1:37 PM on January 10, 2020 [5 favorites]

It’s possible that your partner is doing something objectionable and that you haven’t articulated what it is—for instance she could be using silliness as some kind of avoidant behavior and you could be reacting to that. But your question kind of rubs me the wrong way.

What does “sultry” mean to you? For me the word calls to mind Melania Trump. I feel like you want your partner to be less of a person and more of a sex object.
posted by O. Bender at 8:13 PM on January 10, 2020 [2 favorites]