I'm (M28) too much of a coward to break up with my girlfriend (F30)
December 22, 2019 12:33 AM Subscribe
Something doesn't feel right about my 4 year relationship with my girlfriend but I'm too much of a coward to end the relationship. How do I get over this?
I've asked a question on here previously relating to my relationship with my girlfriend of 4 years. After an emotional affair I had, we've both realised our relationship hadn't been very healthy for at least 2 years. We've both recognised the part we played in this and have tried to fix it- although my partner understandably thinks I am more to blame because of the emotional affair. However, without going in to detail, something is still not feeling right leading me to not feel great about having children together, but I'm too much of a coward to end the relationship. I have issues with being a 'people pleaser' and being very passive, which coupled with my gf being quite controlling and manipulative at times hasn't worked well in the relationship. Currently my gf is talking a lot again about having kids and marriage whilst constantly asking me if I'm sure I want to stay and checking I love her. I always tell her what she wants to hear, even though sometimes I don't really feel it.
I'm worried that I might just be staying in the relationship because I'm too scared to end it. I'm a little scared of being alone and more afraid of regretting my decision. However, most of all I'm really scared of upsetting her. I'm really not looking for sympathy, I understand that I'm being a pretty disgusting person at this point. However, I would appreciate any suggestions that people have that might help me get over this. Tomorrow I fly to another country to spend 2 weeks with her family over Christmas and New Year. I feel like such a terrible person for doing this whilst feeling the way I am but I don't know how to deal with it. The trip is unavoidable at this point.
I've asked a question on here previously relating to my relationship with my girlfriend of 4 years. After an emotional affair I had, we've both realised our relationship hadn't been very healthy for at least 2 years. We've both recognised the part we played in this and have tried to fix it- although my partner understandably thinks I am more to blame because of the emotional affair. However, without going in to detail, something is still not feeling right leading me to not feel great about having children together, but I'm too much of a coward to end the relationship. I have issues with being a 'people pleaser' and being very passive, which coupled with my gf being quite controlling and manipulative at times hasn't worked well in the relationship. Currently my gf is talking a lot again about having kids and marriage whilst constantly asking me if I'm sure I want to stay and checking I love her. I always tell her what she wants to hear, even though sometimes I don't really feel it.
I'm worried that I might just be staying in the relationship because I'm too scared to end it. I'm a little scared of being alone and more afraid of regretting my decision. However, most of all I'm really scared of upsetting her. I'm really not looking for sympathy, I understand that I'm being a pretty disgusting person at this point. However, I would appreciate any suggestions that people have that might help me get over this. Tomorrow I fly to another country to spend 2 weeks with her family over Christmas and New Year. I feel like such a terrible person for doing this whilst feeling the way I am but I don't know how to deal with it. The trip is unavoidable at this point.
Realise that if your girlfriend wants marriage and children, she has a limited window to get those things (assuming the children are biological and not adopted). Breaking up with her now does her the favour of giving her extra time to find someone who feels the same way she does before it’s too late - please just do it soon and don’t prolong the agony.
posted by EatMyHat at 2:00 AM on December 22, 2019 [52 favorites]
posted by EatMyHat at 2:00 AM on December 22, 2019 [52 favorites]
It sounds as if you know how you really feel.
You still have two options—go on the holiday, get through it, read some relationship books, do couple counseling if you can afford it, discuss children, build a life together and work on the doubt through honesty.
If you don't think you're capable of doing this, then don't even think about attempting it. That leaves you with one course of action. Leave and give her the chance to find someone else to have a fulfilling relationship with.
If this is what you want for her, there won't be a natural moment, when it feels right. It won't just peter out. You'll need to make the break happen. It's not necessarily kinder to do this after Christmas, in January or February. It might be easier, but you'll get swap 'he left me before Christmas' with 'he pretended to love me through Christmas'.
Still, if you can't leave now, you're not a failure. Four years is a long time. It's going to be tough on you both, whenever it happens. Remember, we don't know the specifics of the situation and there will never be one right course of action. This happens to plenty of people, you're not a bad person.
Good luck to you both.
posted by einekleine at 2:30 AM on December 22, 2019 [3 favorites]
You still have two options—go on the holiday, get through it, read some relationship books, do couple counseling if you can afford it, discuss children, build a life together and work on the doubt through honesty.
If you don't think you're capable of doing this, then don't even think about attempting it. That leaves you with one course of action. Leave and give her the chance to find someone else to have a fulfilling relationship with.
If this is what you want for her, there won't be a natural moment, when it feels right. It won't just peter out. You'll need to make the break happen. It's not necessarily kinder to do this after Christmas, in January or February. It might be easier, but you'll get swap 'he left me before Christmas' with 'he pretended to love me through Christmas'.
Still, if you can't leave now, you're not a failure. Four years is a long time. It's going to be tough on you both, whenever it happens. Remember, we don't know the specifics of the situation and there will never be one right course of action. This happens to plenty of people, you're not a bad person.
Good luck to you both.
posted by einekleine at 2:30 AM on December 22, 2019 [3 favorites]
The way to frame this is to shift your thinking to what is best for her. It’s best for her to have honesty and to know where she stands. It’s best for her not to have to question what was real and what was not when you do end it. It’s best for her to go and find someone who loves her the right way. And it’s best for her to do that sooner rather than later. No one wants to be with someone who is pretending. I say this as someone who has struggled to break up with people in the past and is a massive people pleaser. It is really hard to do - but adjusting my framing, and realizing wanting to avoid feeling uncomfortable or bad was not a good justification for not giving someone the respect they are due has helped me end two relationships. When I have ended it this way - with respect and honesty - it’s been cleaner and less messy. I’ve also made a total mess of it in the past and believe me you don’t want that on your conscience. I’ve seen friends of mine who’s partners stayed too long when they clearly weren’t into it and not knowing what was real and what was not and not knowing why there ex partner didn’t talk to them has really messed with their heads. So put your girlfriend first and break up with her.
posted by Nilehorse at 2:34 AM on December 22, 2019 [15 favorites]
posted by Nilehorse at 2:34 AM on December 22, 2019 [15 favorites]
As someone who is a parent with someone I should not have been with (we're now divorced), please do not try to fool yourself that you can have children you may not want with someone you may not want to be with. If you don't want want to hurt her more, you'll end this. If you don't want to carry this on to possible kids, you'll end this. Telling yourself that you are a coward is just excusing your behavior (again, speaking from having been there myself).
Find a good therapist and work on figuring out what you want and how to communicate honestly and find people who are right for you (in pair relationship and in friendships). We all deserve that in our lives.
posted by kokaku at 3:17 AM on December 22, 2019 [10 favorites]
Find a good therapist and work on figuring out what you want and how to communicate honestly and find people who are right for you (in pair relationship and in friendships). We all deserve that in our lives.
posted by kokaku at 3:17 AM on December 22, 2019 [10 favorites]
You've been in a relationship for four years, and half of that time (at least) it hasn't been healthy. You describe her as controlling and manipulative. You're not being honest about your feelings. In your previous AskMe you said they don't even like you talking to your family. That is not healthy.
It's time to pull the plug. Though it's shitty timing, I'd say you should do it now and not even make this trip. You say it's unavoidable, but is it really? Can you pull it together to be honest with her and say things are not working, it's time to end it, and let her go alone. That will suck, the timing is horrible, but I think it beats spending two weeks with her family and continuing the charade. Spend the two weeks clearing out of the shared apartment.
If your girlfriend is around the same age as you and wants kids, you owe it to her to let her go to find someone she might be able to have kids with. You owe it to yourself to be honest and leave a relationship that you describe as unhealthy for about half of its existence. (The most recent half.)
Stop calling yourself "disgusting." Sounds like you've made some mistakes, but so far you haven't made any mistakes that you have to live with the rest of your life such as having kids with someone you're not compatible with.
Being alone is not bad, you just need to learn to like yourself enough to realize that. And being alone is far preferable than being with the wrong person. Being with the wrong person is lonelier than solitude, by far.
Maybe you feel like you need permission to break up with someone. Being in a relationship requires two yeses. Leaving doesn't. Don't spend another year or two that you can't get back trying to patch something together that can't work.
Mandatory MeFi bonus: It sounds like you would benefit from therapy. Describing yourself as "disgusting" is a pretty good sign you could do with someone to talk to that will help you get to a point where you don't feel that way. In part by being kinder to yourself, and in part by making life choices that you can feel good about.
posted by jzb at 4:36 AM on December 22, 2019 [7 favorites]
It's time to pull the plug. Though it's shitty timing, I'd say you should do it now and not even make this trip. You say it's unavoidable, but is it really? Can you pull it together to be honest with her and say things are not working, it's time to end it, and let her go alone. That will suck, the timing is horrible, but I think it beats spending two weeks with her family and continuing the charade. Spend the two weeks clearing out of the shared apartment.
If your girlfriend is around the same age as you and wants kids, you owe it to her to let her go to find someone she might be able to have kids with. You owe it to yourself to be honest and leave a relationship that you describe as unhealthy for about half of its existence. (The most recent half.)
Stop calling yourself "disgusting." Sounds like you've made some mistakes, but so far you haven't made any mistakes that you have to live with the rest of your life such as having kids with someone you're not compatible with.
Being alone is not bad, you just need to learn to like yourself enough to realize that. And being alone is far preferable than being with the wrong person. Being with the wrong person is lonelier than solitude, by far.
Maybe you feel like you need permission to break up with someone. Being in a relationship requires two yeses. Leaving doesn't. Don't spend another year or two that you can't get back trying to patch something together that can't work.
Mandatory MeFi bonus: It sounds like you would benefit from therapy. Describing yourself as "disgusting" is a pretty good sign you could do with someone to talk to that will help you get to a point where you don't feel that way. In part by being kinder to yourself, and in part by making life choices that you can feel good about.
posted by jzb at 4:36 AM on December 22, 2019 [7 favorites]
Don't get on the plane and break up with her now. You really, really cannot spend two weeks with her family, lying to her and them, and most of all, yourself. You don't want to be with her, so please, don't put them, and yourself through these lies (i.e. pretending that you're happy and that you want to be in a relationship with her).
Right now your task is to break up with her. Don't worry about whether or not you'll find someone else, you're only 28, and even if you were 40 or 50 or 60 I'd still be saying the same thing.
Have a look at this about people-pleasing as a trauma response. Don't know if you'll relate to it, but I did and found it helpful.
I always tell her what she wants to hear, even though sometimes I don't really feel it.
As I said, you're basically lying to her. I'm not calling you a liar. But this is the fallout of people-pleasing: you have to lie. For me, this was definitely a way to cope as a kid with my parents where I wasn't allowed to be honest and say/do certain things because I didn't want them to be angry with me. It could be something as simple as "did you brush your teeth?" If I said no, I would have to deal with their anger and feel like shit. So I just lied to avoid that because it was so much easier. Simple, right? In your situation, it actually isn't because your gf deserves to know the truth and then she'll have the ability to move on with her life rather than living in this lie with you.
You're afraid that you'll upset her by breaking up with her. Of course you'll upset her, there's no way to avoid that (other than not breaking up with her, but that has other consequences as you know). She'll be upset, call you every name in the book, you'll feel awful, and you and her have the right to your feelings. That's still better than continuing to drag this out, pretending that you love her, want to have kids with her, and actually having kids with her.
Suggested script: "Gf, I'm not going to get on the plane with you. I want to break up with you. I'm sorry. This relationship isn't working for me." You can go into the whys and wherefores, but at the end of the day, this thing is done like dinner. At least by breaking up with her now, she can go home and get some support from her family. Call her a taxi so she can get to the airport. I'm assuming you live together; if you do, I'd leave the house, let her finish packing and get in the taxi by herself.
This will all absolutely suck, but it's way better than continuing the lies. And no, you're not a disgusting person, you just have issues, like the rest of us.
posted by foxjacket at 4:40 AM on December 22, 2019 [17 favorites]
Right now your task is to break up with her. Don't worry about whether or not you'll find someone else, you're only 28, and even if you were 40 or 50 or 60 I'd still be saying the same thing.
Have a look at this about people-pleasing as a trauma response. Don't know if you'll relate to it, but I did and found it helpful.
I always tell her what she wants to hear, even though sometimes I don't really feel it.
As I said, you're basically lying to her. I'm not calling you a liar. But this is the fallout of people-pleasing: you have to lie. For me, this was definitely a way to cope as a kid with my parents where I wasn't allowed to be honest and say/do certain things because I didn't want them to be angry with me. It could be something as simple as "did you brush your teeth?" If I said no, I would have to deal with their anger and feel like shit. So I just lied to avoid that because it was so much easier. Simple, right? In your situation, it actually isn't because your gf deserves to know the truth and then she'll have the ability to move on with her life rather than living in this lie with you.
You're afraid that you'll upset her by breaking up with her. Of course you'll upset her, there's no way to avoid that (other than not breaking up with her, but that has other consequences as you know). She'll be upset, call you every name in the book, you'll feel awful, and you and her have the right to your feelings. That's still better than continuing to drag this out, pretending that you love her, want to have kids with her, and actually having kids with her.
Suggested script: "Gf, I'm not going to get on the plane with you. I want to break up with you. I'm sorry. This relationship isn't working for me." You can go into the whys and wherefores, but at the end of the day, this thing is done like dinner. At least by breaking up with her now, she can go home and get some support from her family. Call her a taxi so she can get to the airport. I'm assuming you live together; if you do, I'd leave the house, let her finish packing and get in the taxi by herself.
This will all absolutely suck, but it's way better than continuing the lies. And no, you're not a disgusting person, you just have issues, like the rest of us.
posted by foxjacket at 4:40 AM on December 22, 2019 [17 favorites]
Married 25 years. Because I was afraid to break up. Don't be me.
posted by KleenexMakesaVeryGoodHat at 4:48 AM on December 22, 2019 [28 favorites]
posted by KleenexMakesaVeryGoodHat at 4:48 AM on December 22, 2019 [28 favorites]
This is too easy. Just don’t get on that plane!
If the thought of doing the right thing (breaking up) makes you feel like a coward, let that word guide you out of the scenario. Be the bad guy. Disengage, disappear, break up with her by text. Tell her you won’t be on the flight.
Will it hurt her? Yes. She will be angry and sad and she can tell all of her friends what a jerk you were. But the dust will settle. She is heading into the best possible circumstance- time and distance from you. She can make an excuse for your absence, or tell them you are the world’s biggest jerk. Either way she will be surrounded by family while the licks her wounds. She has two weeks to get distance before having to pick up the pieces. And so will you for that matter.
Paul Simon said it best: there must be fifty ways to leave your lover.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 4:56 AM on December 22, 2019 [13 favorites]
If the thought of doing the right thing (breaking up) makes you feel like a coward, let that word guide you out of the scenario. Be the bad guy. Disengage, disappear, break up with her by text. Tell her you won’t be on the flight.
Will it hurt her? Yes. She will be angry and sad and she can tell all of her friends what a jerk you were. But the dust will settle. She is heading into the best possible circumstance- time and distance from you. She can make an excuse for your absence, or tell them you are the world’s biggest jerk. Either way she will be surrounded by family while the licks her wounds. She has two weeks to get distance before having to pick up the pieces. And so will you for that matter.
Paul Simon said it best: there must be fifty ways to leave your lover.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 4:56 AM on December 22, 2019 [13 favorites]
Don’t get on the plane. Use the two weeks to find another place to live. Definitely do not have children.
posted by warriorqueen at 5:19 AM on December 22, 2019 [17 favorites]
posted by warriorqueen at 5:19 AM on December 22, 2019 [17 favorites]
The longer you stay, the longer you are keeping her from finding someone who is right for her.
posted by sallybrown at 5:30 AM on December 22, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by sallybrown at 5:30 AM on December 22, 2019 [5 favorites]
Your girlfriend is 30. She wants to have kids. You do not want to have kids with her. Stop wasting her time. Hers is not unlimited. Do it and do it now while she has two weeks of family support and you have 2 weeks to find somewhere else to live.
Yes it will hurt her and you will feel bad and these are normal human emotions you will both get over.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:40 AM on December 22, 2019 [19 favorites]
Yes it will hurt her and you will feel bad and these are normal human emotions you will both get over.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:40 AM on December 22, 2019 [19 favorites]
"taking a break" for a month or two, really helped my relationship, which after we were much stronger. My partner DID NOT LIKE IT. But after being on my own it recontextualized our relationship, our needs, and let me feel like I was choosing to stay vs not choosing to stay.
posted by bbqturtle at 6:42 AM on December 22, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by bbqturtle at 6:42 AM on December 22, 2019 [3 favorites]
It may really be that you need to break up with this person, but another possibility is you would feel like this in any relationship. An emotional affair has the advantage that it's safe because you're committed elsewhere so you don't feel a need to escape from it as you do in your "actual" relationship. (note--this may also apply to the "married 25 years" person above.) To find out, you should get into therapy immediately.
Or, you can follow the advice of the others above so at least one of you isn't in this bind.
posted by Obscure Reference at 6:54 AM on December 22, 2019
Or, you can follow the advice of the others above so at least one of you isn't in this bind.
posted by Obscure Reference at 6:54 AM on December 22, 2019
Lots of good advice above. I have been in positions where I wanted to have tough conversations but found myself almost physically unable to bring things up and create conflict out of the blue. Here's a little tool that helps me, maybe it will be helpful to you.
Instead of trying to bring something up out of the blue when I'm with the person (impossible!!!), I text them something like, "Hey, there is something I'd like to talk to you about that I've found difficult to bring up. Could we pick a time to talk?" I try to pick a time when I know that we'll be able to talk soon, so I'm not keeping them in suspense forever. I find it a lot easier to draft the text and make myself hit "send" than to find "the right time" to bring something up in person. Once I've hit send, I've committed to have the tough discussion, and the other person will not let me off the hook. It's a little annoying to bring things up via text, but for me, it's either that or nothing happens. It also helps me to prepare by spending some time writing down what I'd like to say, imagining what they might say in response, and what my response will be in return.
There is never a perfect time or place or mood to have these conversations. It is going to hurt no matter what. It's understandable that you are afraid to blow up this trip that you've planned. But after the trip may also feel like the wrong time because you'll feel like you've led her on by going on the trip.
posted by a huckleberry at 7:17 AM on December 22, 2019 [5 favorites]
Instead of trying to bring something up out of the blue when I'm with the person (impossible!!!), I text them something like, "Hey, there is something I'd like to talk to you about that I've found difficult to bring up. Could we pick a time to talk?" I try to pick a time when I know that we'll be able to talk soon, so I'm not keeping them in suspense forever. I find it a lot easier to draft the text and make myself hit "send" than to find "the right time" to bring something up in person. Once I've hit send, I've committed to have the tough discussion, and the other person will not let me off the hook. It's a little annoying to bring things up via text, but for me, it's either that or nothing happens. It also helps me to prepare by spending some time writing down what I'd like to say, imagining what they might say in response, and what my response will be in return.
There is never a perfect time or place or mood to have these conversations. It is going to hurt no matter what. It's understandable that you are afraid to blow up this trip that you've planned. But after the trip may also feel like the wrong time because you'll feel like you've led her on by going on the trip.
posted by a huckleberry at 7:17 AM on December 22, 2019 [5 favorites]
You can't please somebody by conning them into staying in a relationship you know isn't working for either of you.
White lies are not really white, merely semi-transparent. Layer enough copies of the same one on top of each other and they amount to deliberate, wilful, important deception, even the worse for being so honed by constant practice.
I'm a little scared of being alone and more afraid of regretting my decision. However, most of all I'm really scared of upsetting her.
Fear and secrecy and lies are the worst possible basis for an intimate relationship, and a relationship that constantly presents you with options that you need to decide between on the basis of which you fear least is the worst possible kind of relationship. You need to end this one now. Stop trying to be kind, because things have already gone so bad that genuine kindness is simply no longer a posture available to you.
Don't do the right thing in an attempt to gain praise or avoid blame. Do the right thing because it works better. And you'll know it has worked better when, in amongst all the grieving and emotional turmoil you should absolutely anticipate experiencing after deliberately choosing to be the bad guy in this episode of life's drama, what you keep finding yourself coming back to is a feeling of relief.
Once you have walked away, spend as much time alone as you need to in order to demonstrate to yourself that although being alone is perhaps not what you'd prefer, it isn't this horrendous scary condition that must be avoided at all costs, and that the skill of being comfortable in your own skin is something that you have to figure out for yourself. Because despite the countless billions of hours that humanity has invested in assorted kinds of magical romantic thinking, the stubbornly irremovable fact of the matter is that no intimate relationship can ever do that for you, and it's unfair on your partners to expect them to try.
posted by flabdablet at 7:18 AM on December 22, 2019 [4 favorites]
White lies are not really white, merely semi-transparent. Layer enough copies of the same one on top of each other and they amount to deliberate, wilful, important deception, even the worse for being so honed by constant practice.
I'm a little scared of being alone and more afraid of regretting my decision. However, most of all I'm really scared of upsetting her.
Fear and secrecy and lies are the worst possible basis for an intimate relationship, and a relationship that constantly presents you with options that you need to decide between on the basis of which you fear least is the worst possible kind of relationship. You need to end this one now. Stop trying to be kind, because things have already gone so bad that genuine kindness is simply no longer a posture available to you.
Don't do the right thing in an attempt to gain praise or avoid blame. Do the right thing because it works better. And you'll know it has worked better when, in amongst all the grieving and emotional turmoil you should absolutely anticipate experiencing after deliberately choosing to be the bad guy in this episode of life's drama, what you keep finding yourself coming back to is a feeling of relief.
Once you have walked away, spend as much time alone as you need to in order to demonstrate to yourself that although being alone is perhaps not what you'd prefer, it isn't this horrendous scary condition that must be avoided at all costs, and that the skill of being comfortable in your own skin is something that you have to figure out for yourself. Because despite the countless billions of hours that humanity has invested in assorted kinds of magical romantic thinking, the stubbornly irremovable fact of the matter is that no intimate relationship can ever do that for you, and it's unfair on your partners to expect them to try.
posted by flabdablet at 7:18 AM on December 22, 2019 [4 favorites]
The only time I've ever been angry at a breakup, like BITTER angry, was when my ex said he hadn't felt it in a long time but didn't want to hurt me. Sure I've been upset, sad, even devastated by breakups over the course of my life, but those are emotions that I reckoned with and got over. I still have not great feelings towards this one guy because of the time and effort I was putting into a relationship that he knew was going nowhere.
I can't even imagine how I would've felt if I'd wanted kids because this relationship happened right around the time my prime fertile years were starting to wane.
You are not being a pleaser by maintaining this relationship, you're being selfish. Do what needs to be done and stop wasting her time, you'll both be much happier in the long run.
I vote with the others saying don't get on the plane and do it now. This trip away is a blessing in disguise for you both.
posted by newpotato at 7:40 AM on December 22, 2019 [19 favorites]
I can't even imagine how I would've felt if I'd wanted kids because this relationship happened right around the time my prime fertile years were starting to wane.
You are not being a pleaser by maintaining this relationship, you're being selfish. Do what needs to be done and stop wasting her time, you'll both be much happier in the long run.
I vote with the others saying don't get on the plane and do it now. This trip away is a blessing in disguise for you both.
posted by newpotato at 7:40 AM on December 22, 2019 [19 favorites]
Who is in charge of birth control? Because you may find yourself father to a child you do not want with a mother you do not love. Break up and build yourself.
posted by cyndigo at 8:23 AM on December 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by cyndigo at 8:23 AM on December 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
Change is hard, and avoiding it is understandable.
Unfortunately the timer is ticking on a big life change for you. One of the following three things is going to happen soon:
1) She is going to push you into marriage and/or children
2) She is going to dump you as she doesn’t think you’re marriage/children material
3) You’re going to extract yourself from the relationship
All of these suck in their own particular way, but one of them *is* going to happen. The only option you have is to choose which suck you want to live with.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:33 AM on December 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
Unfortunately the timer is ticking on a big life change for you. One of the following three things is going to happen soon:
1) She is going to push you into marriage and/or children
2) She is going to dump you as she doesn’t think you’re marriage/children material
3) You’re going to extract yourself from the relationship
All of these suck in their own particular way, but one of them *is* going to happen. The only option you have is to choose which suck you want to live with.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:33 AM on December 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
If your top fear is upsetting her, this is a no-brainer. Breaking up will upset her temporarily; staying with her when you don’t want to can potentially ruin her life if she wants kids.
posted by kapers at 8:58 AM on December 22, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by kapers at 8:58 AM on December 22, 2019 [5 favorites]
The only time I've ever been angry at a breakup, like BITTER angry, was when my ex said he hadn't felt it in a long time but didn't want to hurt me.
i chimed in last time to this effect, but same! what i would do - pick out two or three sentiments in these answers that make you feel something, really really feel those feelings like they're gonna swallow you up, and carry them with you straight into a room with her, like, immediately, tonight, before the trip, and start the conversation. then you're stuck in it wherever it goes, which really can be a kind of relief when you can't find the will to make something happen - you just have to make the one first step and then it'll kind of be out of your hands.
posted by gaybobbie at 9:07 AM on December 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
i chimed in last time to this effect, but same! what i would do - pick out two or three sentiments in these answers that make you feel something, really really feel those feelings like they're gonna swallow you up, and carry them with you straight into a room with her, like, immediately, tonight, before the trip, and start the conversation. then you're stuck in it wherever it goes, which really can be a kind of relief when you can't find the will to make something happen - you just have to make the one first step and then it'll kind of be out of your hands.
posted by gaybobbie at 9:07 AM on December 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.” -Erica Jong
posted by Jacen at 9:26 AM on December 22, 2019 [10 favorites]
posted by Jacen at 9:26 AM on December 22, 2019 [10 favorites]
I always tell her what she wants to hear, even though sometimes I don't really feel it
You're not telling her what she wants to hear at all. What she wants to hear is the truth. You aren't telling it.
posted by Miko at 10:33 AM on December 22, 2019 [13 favorites]
You're not telling her what she wants to hear at all. What she wants to hear is the truth. You aren't telling it.
posted by Miko at 10:33 AM on December 22, 2019 [13 favorites]
whilst constantly asking me if I'm sure I want to stay and checking I love her. I always tell her what she wants to hear, even though sometimes I don't really feel it.
No, she wants to hear the truth, because she suspects that she hasn't heard it yet, and instead, you are lying to her. You are not a people-pleaser; you are a self-protecter. You lie to her to get what you want: an unsatisfying facsimile of a relationship that keeps you from being alone. but that false facade isn't what she wants, it's what you want. You are the person you're pleasing. You are manipulating her.
we are all self-protectors, to some degree. we are all like this in that we all sometimes want to do what is easy over what is obviously right. we all have excuses.
one way that some people are able to start behaving well is to figure out what they need to believe about themselves and do the bare minimum to make that belief plausible. Get rid of your threadbare story about being a people-pleaser, which is entirely inadequate to your present needs. Develop a story about being an honest person, and see if that makes it any easier to behave honestly. Be honest with yourself in private, to start with. it should be less scary. Start with your belief that this trip is impossible to get out of. That's obviously untrue. If you don't get on the plane, you will not go.
If you don't like feeling like a "terrible person," there are a lot of things you can do to make that feeling go away.
posted by queenofbithynia at 10:38 AM on December 22, 2019 [30 favorites]
No, she wants to hear the truth, because she suspects that she hasn't heard it yet, and instead, you are lying to her. You are not a people-pleaser; you are a self-protecter. You lie to her to get what you want: an unsatisfying facsimile of a relationship that keeps you from being alone. but that false facade isn't what she wants, it's what you want. You are the person you're pleasing. You are manipulating her.
we are all self-protectors, to some degree. we are all like this in that we all sometimes want to do what is easy over what is obviously right. we all have excuses.
one way that some people are able to start behaving well is to figure out what they need to believe about themselves and do the bare minimum to make that belief plausible. Get rid of your threadbare story about being a people-pleaser, which is entirely inadequate to your present needs. Develop a story about being an honest person, and see if that makes it any easier to behave honestly. Be honest with yourself in private, to start with. it should be less scary. Start with your belief that this trip is impossible to get out of. That's obviously untrue. If you don't get on the plane, you will not go.
If you don't like feeling like a "terrible person," there are a lot of things you can do to make that feeling go away.
posted by queenofbithynia at 10:38 AM on December 22, 2019 [30 favorites]
You need to reframe this situation along these very wise lines above:
You are not a people-pleaser; you are a self-protecter. You lie to her to get what you want: an unsatisfying facsimile of a relationship that keeps you from being alone. but that false facade isn't what she wants, it's what you want. You are the person you're pleasing. You are manipulating her.
Stop thinking of yourself as the victim of circumstances here. It's not that you are a horrible person, we all self-protect and avoid conflict to a certain extent. But lying to a woman about the state of your relationship, when you know she wants kids and wants to be with someone who wants to be with her, is the opposite of kindness. Women face some serious biological realities that make wasting someone's time under these circumstances a particularly cruel thing to do.
Do the right thing. You will both be better off for it.
posted by rpfields at 11:11 AM on December 22, 2019 [9 favorites]
You are not a people-pleaser; you are a self-protecter. You lie to her to get what you want: an unsatisfying facsimile of a relationship that keeps you from being alone. but that false facade isn't what she wants, it's what you want. You are the person you're pleasing. You are manipulating her.
Stop thinking of yourself as the victim of circumstances here. It's not that you are a horrible person, we all self-protect and avoid conflict to a certain extent. But lying to a woman about the state of your relationship, when you know she wants kids and wants to be with someone who wants to be with her, is the opposite of kindness. Women face some serious biological realities that make wasting someone's time under these circumstances a particularly cruel thing to do.
Do the right thing. You will both be better off for it.
posted by rpfields at 11:11 AM on December 22, 2019 [9 favorites]
Are you asking HOW to do it? Because we already covered WHETHER to do it.
Here's how I'd do it:
1. have a drink if necessary first, if you think you might cry or chicken out otherwise
2. as soon as she's home, go to her and say "there's something I need to tell you. You've been asking me about our relationship a lot. I've been evasive because I've been scared to have a fight, and maybe scared to be alone, but the truth is you're sensing things correctly and things aren't as they should be. This doesn't feel right, hasn't for a long time, and I need to end it."
3. do NOT go on the trip with her, obviously. Use the next two weeks to find a new place to live. Move out if you can.
The rest of it -- therapy etc -- can wait. You sound like someone who needs to seize their momentum when they have it, and the trip makes this the obvious time to do it. Do it today.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:07 PM on December 22, 2019 [8 favorites]
Here's how I'd do it:
1. have a drink if necessary first, if you think you might cry or chicken out otherwise
2. as soon as she's home, go to her and say "there's something I need to tell you. You've been asking me about our relationship a lot. I've been evasive because I've been scared to have a fight, and maybe scared to be alone, but the truth is you're sensing things correctly and things aren't as they should be. This doesn't feel right, hasn't for a long time, and I need to end it."
3. do NOT go on the trip with her, obviously. Use the next two weeks to find a new place to live. Move out if you can.
The rest of it -- therapy etc -- can wait. You sound like someone who needs to seize their momentum when they have it, and the trip makes this the obvious time to do it. Do it today.
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:07 PM on December 22, 2019 [8 favorites]
Fear and guilt about breaking someone's heart is NO reason to stay in a relationship. Ask me how I know. Some of the most unkind thoughts I harbor are toward someone who didn't actually want to be with me but couldn't bring himself to say it. All that wasted time when I could have been healing and moving forward instead.
Given the emotional affair + the way she keeps checking in with you, I *strongly* suspect the news will not actually come as a surprise to her. I also suspect it will come as a relief in some ways. Does that make it any easier?
posted by anderjen at 4:34 PM on December 22, 2019 [3 favorites]
Given the emotional affair + the way she keeps checking in with you, I *strongly* suspect the news will not actually come as a surprise to her. I also suspect it will come as a relief in some ways. Does that make it any easier?
posted by anderjen at 4:34 PM on December 22, 2019 [3 favorites]
I would honestly rather you just broke up with me by text rather than drag this out.
posted by selfmedicating at 7:12 PM on December 22, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by selfmedicating at 7:12 PM on December 22, 2019 [4 favorites]
Was going to say exactly that - if you’re cowardly just lean into it by texting the breakup.
“Listen I’m too much of a coward to do this in person but I have to before I lose my nerve. Your intuition is right, I’m not happy, let’s break up.”
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:40 PM on December 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
“Listen I’m too much of a coward to do this in person but I have to before I lose my nerve. Your intuition is right, I’m not happy, let’s break up.”
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:40 PM on December 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
"You are not a people-pleaser; you are a self-protecter."
Yeah, it's unbelievable that you are a cheater, a liar, and someone who's telling a bunch of internet strangers that his gf is "controlling and manipulative" and yet you think this is all about you being a good guy and wanting to do right by her. Leave her, for HER sake.
posted by january at 8:11 PM on December 25, 2019 [2 favorites]
Yeah, it's unbelievable that you are a cheater, a liar, and someone who's telling a bunch of internet strangers that his gf is "controlling and manipulative" and yet you think this is all about you being a good guy and wanting to do right by her. Leave her, for HER sake.
posted by january at 8:11 PM on December 25, 2019 [2 favorites]
If you think your girlfriend might be upset with you now, imagine how upset she’ll be in five years time when she’s trapped in a loveless marriage with kid/s, with a husband who has been lying to her the whole time about his feelings and cheats on her when things get hard, ruining all their lives. Just to save himself from an uncomfortable two minute conversation now. Yeah. THEN you’ll see what angry is.
posted by Jubey at 3:45 AM on December 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by Jubey at 3:45 AM on December 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
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Start figuring out a simple script for how to tell her that the relationship is over. Tell her as soon as possible. Don't wait for a good moment. Blurt it out. Then listen to her.
posted by Zumbador at 1:13 AM on December 22, 2019 [10 favorites]