Raising Jewish kids in an interfaith family
December 18, 2019 11:09 AM Subscribe
I'm getting married in 2020 and we've been talking about kids. I was raised Jewish; my future spouse was raised nominally Catholic. We're planning on raising any kids we have together Jewish, but I'm stumbling on what that looks like. If you were raised Jewish in an interfaith family, can you tell me more about how your parents helped instill a Jewish identity? Bonus points if you grew up in a non-Jewish area.
I grew up very Jewish, in a very Jewish town that had off for Jewish holidays and was very welcoming and tolerant of diversity. I currently live somewhere that is...not.
My parents live six hours away. My future in-laws are well-meaning but clueless. They went to my parents' Passover seder and then invited me over for Easter lunch the next day, but there was nothing on the menu that I could eat. They couldn't understand why I wasn't eating and kept pressuring me to eat with them, which made me feel very uncomfortable. Lately they've been putting up Chanukah decorations in their house though, which is kind of sweet?
There is a small reform temple one town over that we could join and I think I could step up the in-home religious practices if we have kids (Shabbat dinner, building a sukkah for Sukkot, etc.), but I worry that it won't be enough.
If there are things that worked for you, what were they? I'd appreciate personal stories. Books and websites are also welcome.
I grew up very Jewish, in a very Jewish town that had off for Jewish holidays and was very welcoming and tolerant of diversity. I currently live somewhere that is...not.
My parents live six hours away. My future in-laws are well-meaning but clueless. They went to my parents' Passover seder and then invited me over for Easter lunch the next day, but there was nothing on the menu that I could eat. They couldn't understand why I wasn't eating and kept pressuring me to eat with them, which made me feel very uncomfortable. Lately they've been putting up Chanukah decorations in their house though, which is kind of sweet?
There is a small reform temple one town over that we could join and I think I could step up the in-home religious practices if we have kids (Shabbat dinner, building a sukkah for Sukkot, etc.), but I worry that it won't be enough.
If there are things that worked for you, what were they? I'd appreciate personal stories. Books and websites are also welcome.
my spouse wasn't Jewish when we got married, although he had committed to raising our kids Jewish in a Jewish household. Here is what that meant in practice:
1. Friday nights are for Sabbath observance at home or at someone else's home. We don't go out on Friday nights. Sometimes that means missing events we'd otherwise go to: oh well. It's the basis of the rhythm of our home life. Friday night: foods we like; traditional challah/candles/kiddush; dessert (only night of the week we do dessert.) Everyone is always happy to get to Shabbat dinner.
1a. Saturday is for family time as much as possible, either at home or a fun outing. Chores, homework, unpleasant business get pushed to after Shabbat.
2. Jewish day school for as long as they liked it; Jewish summer camps when possible. The object was primarily for them to have Jewish friends.
3. regular synagogue attendance when they stopped attending day school, ditto.
4. holidays made fun and awesome. I host an elaborate and fun Seder every year. I have a Sukkah they decorate and we host and eat and sometimes sleep in. There are always treats associated with holidays. Cheesecake on Shavuos, etc.
5. I host a lot. Big elaborate things like Seders; smaller meals with people from our community; with neighbors and friends, Jewish and non, etc. Maybe once a month. It feels like a lot to me (and I won't lie, sometimes it is draining) but I believe my kids benefit from sharing our home rituals (read: eating) with other people. It's a home-based religious practice at its core.
7. I proactively explain a lot of stuff to my in-laws, who are always curious and respectful. By the way, interfaith is very convenient when it comes to major holiday celebration! Only one set of grandparents cares about Christmas, and only one set cares about Passover, so there's no drama about who you celebrate with. Thanksgiving is secular so everyone can celebrate together.
8. Christmas gets celebrated, if at all, at the in-laws. Sometimes the secular in-laws, sometimes the religious Christian ones - whoever happens to invite. It's all good, gifts and cookies happily exchanged, etc.
[nb I know you asked for the POV of the kid, but we'll all have to wait a while to see what happens w my kids. Still, I hope you find this useful.]
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:33 PM on December 18, 2019 [3 favorites]
1. Friday nights are for Sabbath observance at home or at someone else's home. We don't go out on Friday nights. Sometimes that means missing events we'd otherwise go to: oh well. It's the basis of the rhythm of our home life. Friday night: foods we like; traditional challah/candles/kiddush; dessert (only night of the week we do dessert.) Everyone is always happy to get to Shabbat dinner.
1a. Saturday is for family time as much as possible, either at home or a fun outing. Chores, homework, unpleasant business get pushed to after Shabbat.
2. Jewish day school for as long as they liked it; Jewish summer camps when possible. The object was primarily for them to have Jewish friends.
3. regular synagogue attendance when they stopped attending day school, ditto.
4. holidays made fun and awesome. I host an elaborate and fun Seder every year. I have a Sukkah they decorate and we host and eat and sometimes sleep in. There are always treats associated with holidays. Cheesecake on Shavuos, etc.
5. I host a lot. Big elaborate things like Seders; smaller meals with people from our community; with neighbors and friends, Jewish and non, etc. Maybe once a month. It feels like a lot to me (and I won't lie, sometimes it is draining) but I believe my kids benefit from sharing our home rituals (read: eating) with other people. It's a home-based religious practice at its core.
7. I proactively explain a lot of stuff to my in-laws, who are always curious and respectful. By the way, interfaith is very convenient when it comes to major holiday celebration! Only one set of grandparents cares about Christmas, and only one set cares about Passover, so there's no drama about who you celebrate with. Thanksgiving is secular so everyone can celebrate together.
8. Christmas gets celebrated, if at all, at the in-laws. Sometimes the secular in-laws, sometimes the religious Christian ones - whoever happens to invite. It's all good, gifts and cookies happily exchanged, etc.
[nb I know you asked for the POV of the kid, but we'll all have to wait a while to see what happens w my kids. Still, I hope you find this useful.]
posted by fingersandtoes at 12:33 PM on December 18, 2019 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: POV from parents is OK and welcomed!
posted by marfa, texas at 12:51 PM on December 18, 2019
posted by marfa, texas at 12:51 PM on December 18, 2019
I was raised in an interfaith family but told my religion was my own choice (which was a mistake on my parents' part that caused my a lot of angst; I wish they'd made a choice). I converted to Judaism as an adult, as did my husband and (then 8-year-old) son. Both the community I grew up in and the community I lived in when we converted were places where Judaism was very much a tiny minority.
What gave me (ultimately) a strong Jewish identity and what I have focused on in my family now was home practice and a few joyful times in synagogue. Passover at my grandparents was a happy memory; Purim was a happy memory, Bar and Bat Mitzvahs and weddings and synagogue holidays like Simchat Torah were happy memories. Sitting shiva and attending Jewish funerals, even as a child, made me want a Jewish burial. Loving my Jewish grandparents deeply and wanting to please them made a difference. Finding Jewish ritual lovely and meaningful made a difference. I would focus on making your Jewish life at home beautiful, peaceful, happy, and joyful if you want to instill a strong Jewish identity in the kids.
Growing up no one I knew (including my Jewish family) celebrated Shabbat or even the Days of Awe; no one took a mikveh monthly, no one was part of a Chavurah or made anything but occasional appearances in shul. These are all things I do now as an adult, though, that are good for my family and for me.
I think some of how being in an interfaith family works depends on your non-Jewish partner and what that person thinks of Judaism (and why they are not interested in converting). My parents avoided some hard conversations and that was hard on me as a kid. So I'd encourage you to discuss spirituality and why your partner wants the kids to be raised Jewish but doesn't feel a call to conversion hirself.
posted by shadygrove at 2:35 PM on December 18, 2019 [1 favorite]
What gave me (ultimately) a strong Jewish identity and what I have focused on in my family now was home practice and a few joyful times in synagogue. Passover at my grandparents was a happy memory; Purim was a happy memory, Bar and Bat Mitzvahs and weddings and synagogue holidays like Simchat Torah were happy memories. Sitting shiva and attending Jewish funerals, even as a child, made me want a Jewish burial. Loving my Jewish grandparents deeply and wanting to please them made a difference. Finding Jewish ritual lovely and meaningful made a difference. I would focus on making your Jewish life at home beautiful, peaceful, happy, and joyful if you want to instill a strong Jewish identity in the kids.
Growing up no one I knew (including my Jewish family) celebrated Shabbat or even the Days of Awe; no one took a mikveh monthly, no one was part of a Chavurah or made anything but occasional appearances in shul. These are all things I do now as an adult, though, that are good for my family and for me.
I think some of how being in an interfaith family works depends on your non-Jewish partner and what that person thinks of Judaism (and why they are not interested in converting). My parents avoided some hard conversations and that was hard on me as a kid. So I'd encourage you to discuss spirituality and why your partner wants the kids to be raised Jewish but doesn't feel a call to conversion hirself.
posted by shadygrove at 2:35 PM on December 18, 2019 [1 favorite]
I would have your husband excommunicated. Just kidding. It's very important that it is not forced on them that they need to be following certain rituals. The most faithful Jewish adults I know who were raised in Interfaith households were not in the slightest bit religious at home, whereas the religious households produced less-involved or non-involved adults. I know Mormon (w)/Orthodox Jewish (m), Catholic (w)/ Orthodox Jewish (w), Shia (m)/ Reform Jewish (w), Kiraite (m)/Humanist Jewish (w). The big parts that influenced it was whether the less religious spouse converted or played a part in an instructive expression of care.
posted by parmanparman at 2:37 PM on December 18, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by parmanparman at 2:37 PM on December 18, 2019 [1 favorite]
My mother was a very reform Jew, and my father is a practicing Lutheran. He was way more religious than she, and yet my two brothers and I were raised to be Jewish. When my mom felt like it, we observed Passover. We usually went to temple for Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. That all stopped when I was a teenager, though - she stopped so we all did. I went to Sunday School for a couple of years. We lit the menorah.
That said, we also celebrated Christmas and Easter - not the religious aspects, but they are religious holidays.
I lived in an extremely non-Jewish part of town in upstate NY. For context, I was the only Jewish person in my entire high school of about 1,000 students. That actually made it easier to identify as being Jewish without actually having to do anything about it.
It didn't take, though. Now I'm an atheist. But I still light the menorah.
posted by lyssabee at 2:37 PM on December 18, 2019
That said, we also celebrated Christmas and Easter - not the religious aspects, but they are religious holidays.
I lived in an extremely non-Jewish part of town in upstate NY. For context, I was the only Jewish person in my entire high school of about 1,000 students. That actually made it easier to identify as being Jewish without actually having to do anything about it.
It didn't take, though. Now I'm an atheist. But I still light the menorah.
posted by lyssabee at 2:37 PM on December 18, 2019
This is me! Dad's Jewish, mom Christian/atheist. Grew up in small town with very few Jews. BUT we belonged to the local synagogue of about 100 families, and I attended Sunday school, and later Mon/Wed school as well, from elementary school on. I became very close with the other Jewish kids in my cohort-- several of whom I'm still close to as an adult. I was Bat Mitzvahed, the whole shebang. I always felt a little different from the two-Jewish-parents kids, but there were a few of us interfaith kids so it wasn't a huge deal. Also, we were a weird family! Never went to high holidays, never went to Shabbat services. Celebrated Passover with my Dad's extended family, and that's about it. However, I definitely have a strong Jewish identity. My level of observance has waxed and waned in adulthood, but my sense of identity has not. I have a shelf of Jewish books, I married a half-Jewish guy, we light Shabbat candles, and I attend high holiday services! We're in the process of finding a synagogue to join.
Definitely join the synagogue! Another thing I think can help in your case would be having your kids attend Jewish summer camp! My parents wouldn't spring for it, but that can play a *huge* role. My friends who went loved it, learned all the songs and prayers, etc. There are also cool summer programs like the National Havurah Institute. Your kids will be fine! :)
posted by Mystical Listicle at 2:49 PM on December 18, 2019 [1 favorite]
Definitely join the synagogue! Another thing I think can help in your case would be having your kids attend Jewish summer camp! My parents wouldn't spring for it, but that can play a *huge* role. My friends who went loved it, learned all the songs and prayers, etc. There are also cool summer programs like the National Havurah Institute. Your kids will be fine! :)
posted by Mystical Listicle at 2:49 PM on December 18, 2019 [1 favorite]
I grew up in NH in a very not-Jewish town. I was raised with a culturally, though not particularly religiously, Jewish identity. I've always called myself Jewish; as an adult I am doing a little more of the religious exploration than I did as a kid.
1. My mother grew up modern Orthodox; my father grew up Methodist. Neither of my parents were religious as adults, but my mother and her family had a much stronger connection to religious traditions than my father (who actively opposes organized religion). I definitely went to church with my cousins (who were raised Catholic) on sleepovers a few times, but I also remember feeling DEEPLY uncomfortable about it in a way that I never felt if I went to shul.
2. It's easy to absorb secular Christian culture in the US; it is not easy to absorb Jewish culture if you're not in certain neighborhoods or parts of the country. When I was 4, my great grandmother called to wish us a happy Rosh Hashanah - when she asked if I knew what day it was and I told her it was Labor Day ... it did not go over well (and she promptly sent a picture book called Jewish Days and Holidays. My mother made an effort to bring pieces of Jewish holidays and traditions into our regular family life - keeping kosher for Passover(ish), making kugel and eating apples and honey for Rosh Hashanah, doing harvesty things around Sukkot, making hamantaschen for Purim, and she always reserved "the best" present for one of my Chanukah gifts even though we also celebrated Christmas.
3. Even though we didn't go to shul (like ever... I think I can remember 3 holiday services from my childhood), my mom taught me to read Hebrew letters and sent me to Hebrew School. I didn't get bat mitzvahed, but I can read prayers and things.
4. I was steeped in books, music, and stories about Jews. I had The Jewish Kids Catalog. We read Latkes and Applesauce and Hershel and the Chanukah Goblins when I was younger, and I read all the Holocaust literature and all the Jewish diaspora literature I could get my hands on. I played violin in school; my long-suffering parents (who both hate klezmer) got me an album of Yitzchhak Perlman playing klezmer music. I knew everything we knew about my Jewish ancestry - who came to the US when, what it was like on the lower east side at the turn of the century, who didn't come to the US and what happened to them.
All that being said, I will also say that I've always felt pretty uncomfortable in "mainstream" American Jewish spaces. There are a lot of ubiquitous American Jewish Kid experiences I didn't have - I didn't go to Camp, for example. I wasn't bat mitzvahed. I felt deeply uncomfortable at the one Hillel event I went to in college, and I have never participated in any sort of collegiate Jewish life. I didn't go on a Birthright trip. I don't feel like there's a place for me in reform Judaism, or conservative Judaism - nothing quite resonates with me. There are things for Jewish millenial women that I just ... don't quite get. I don't necessarily see myself in a lot of things like Jenny Slate's comedy, for example. I have lots of problems with Israeli politics, but I don't quite connect with organizations like If Not Now. When I was growing up and in college, this wasn't an absence I felt, and I'm not sad about it now, but there is a level of disconnect that has made it challenging to connect with a broader Jewish community as an adult.
posted by ChuraChura at 3:19 PM on December 18, 2019 [4 favorites]
1. My mother grew up modern Orthodox; my father grew up Methodist. Neither of my parents were religious as adults, but my mother and her family had a much stronger connection to religious traditions than my father (who actively opposes organized religion). I definitely went to church with my cousins (who were raised Catholic) on sleepovers a few times, but I also remember feeling DEEPLY uncomfortable about it in a way that I never felt if I went to shul.
2. It's easy to absorb secular Christian culture in the US; it is not easy to absorb Jewish culture if you're not in certain neighborhoods or parts of the country. When I was 4, my great grandmother called to wish us a happy Rosh Hashanah - when she asked if I knew what day it was and I told her it was Labor Day ... it did not go over well (and she promptly sent a picture book called Jewish Days and Holidays. My mother made an effort to bring pieces of Jewish holidays and traditions into our regular family life - keeping kosher for Passover(ish), making kugel and eating apples and honey for Rosh Hashanah, doing harvesty things around Sukkot, making hamantaschen for Purim, and she always reserved "the best" present for one of my Chanukah gifts even though we also celebrated Christmas.
3. Even though we didn't go to shul (like ever... I think I can remember 3 holiday services from my childhood), my mom taught me to read Hebrew letters and sent me to Hebrew School. I didn't get bat mitzvahed, but I can read prayers and things.
4. I was steeped in books, music, and stories about Jews. I had The Jewish Kids Catalog. We read Latkes and Applesauce and Hershel and the Chanukah Goblins when I was younger, and I read all the Holocaust literature and all the Jewish diaspora literature I could get my hands on. I played violin in school; my long-suffering parents (who both hate klezmer) got me an album of Yitzchhak Perlman playing klezmer music. I knew everything we knew about my Jewish ancestry - who came to the US when, what it was like on the lower east side at the turn of the century, who didn't come to the US and what happened to them.
All that being said, I will also say that I've always felt pretty uncomfortable in "mainstream" American Jewish spaces. There are a lot of ubiquitous American Jewish Kid experiences I didn't have - I didn't go to Camp, for example. I wasn't bat mitzvahed. I felt deeply uncomfortable at the one Hillel event I went to in college, and I have never participated in any sort of collegiate Jewish life. I didn't go on a Birthright trip. I don't feel like there's a place for me in reform Judaism, or conservative Judaism - nothing quite resonates with me. There are things for Jewish millenial women that I just ... don't quite get. I don't necessarily see myself in a lot of things like Jenny Slate's comedy, for example. I have lots of problems with Israeli politics, but I don't quite connect with organizations like If Not Now. When I was growing up and in college, this wasn't an absence I felt, and I'm not sad about it now, but there is a level of disconnect that has made it challenging to connect with a broader Jewish community as an adult.
posted by ChuraChura at 3:19 PM on December 18, 2019 [4 favorites]
Currently raising a (still very young) Jewish kid in an interfaith family in a not-very (but not totally un-) Jewish area. Partner is a Jew-by-choice, and has pretty much been practicing Judaism since we started dating, for several years before his conversion. My in-laws (halfway across the country) are not Jewish; my parents (5 hours away) and brother (1 hour away) are.
Raising Jewish kids around here: we're basically making use of all of the available resources around here we can, and creating things where we see a need. I grew up in the NYC area where all of this stuff was just...there, in the air. It's a lot more DIY here.
PJ Library sends free books once a month starting when the kids are 6 months old. We requested more Jewish books through interlibrary loan at the local library. I've been going to a mommy group at Chabad despite me having some feelings about Chabad because hey, Jewish kids for my daughters to play with and other Jewish people for me to chat with. Young family stuff was also kind of moribund at the synagogue we go to; I agitated a bit, and we've got a monthly Tot Shabbat going again. Spotify playlists of holiday music. Friday night Shabbat dinners, with blessing of the children, and homemade Challah until I found the one grocery store that reliably stocks it. Very gently bringing up at day care "So there seems to be some Christmas stuff going on; we're Jewish soooo..." (and the next day, there were a bunch of Chanukah books out, and a week later, they talked about dreidels). I'm gearing up for having to go to school in a few years to do presentations. We put up a Sukkah (Sukkah Project kits are great) and have people over; we host Seders and go to synagogue when we can.
Interfaith family and well-meaning in-laws: Figure out where your lines are, and very politely but firmly draw them. But that goes for dealing with in-laws in general, really.
I've found the trickiest thing, with both my in-laws and well-meaning Christian friends who come from really non-Jewish areas, is conveying that Judaism has a different mindset than Christianity, and it's not just a matter of "Jewish Y is just like Christian X" (see: Hanukkah is not Jewish Christmas). Explaining both that there are particular rules, like say not eating pork, and that different Jews approach these rules in different ways can take some time and patience.
We're still feeling things out for Christmas. We don't have anything in our house at all, but we're spending the holiday with my in-laws, as we have since we've been together. We're going to do our best to frame it as "We're helping Grandma and Grandpa celebrate their holiday" and see what happens. We're not giving Christmas presents to each other or to our daughter; we're also going to nip Santa in the bud, but Christmas presents from Grandma and Grandpa are OK. We're also going to feel out how they do there--if they go a bit overboard, we're going to try to have them scale things back.
posted by damayanti at 5:17 PM on December 18, 2019 [1 favorite]
Raising Jewish kids around here: we're basically making use of all of the available resources around here we can, and creating things where we see a need. I grew up in the NYC area where all of this stuff was just...there, in the air. It's a lot more DIY here.
PJ Library sends free books once a month starting when the kids are 6 months old. We requested more Jewish books through interlibrary loan at the local library. I've been going to a mommy group at Chabad despite me having some feelings about Chabad because hey, Jewish kids for my daughters to play with and other Jewish people for me to chat with. Young family stuff was also kind of moribund at the synagogue we go to; I agitated a bit, and we've got a monthly Tot Shabbat going again. Spotify playlists of holiday music. Friday night Shabbat dinners, with blessing of the children, and homemade Challah until I found the one grocery store that reliably stocks it. Very gently bringing up at day care "So there seems to be some Christmas stuff going on; we're Jewish soooo..." (and the next day, there were a bunch of Chanukah books out, and a week later, they talked about dreidels). I'm gearing up for having to go to school in a few years to do presentations. We put up a Sukkah (Sukkah Project kits are great) and have people over; we host Seders and go to synagogue when we can.
Interfaith family and well-meaning in-laws: Figure out where your lines are, and very politely but firmly draw them. But that goes for dealing with in-laws in general, really.
I've found the trickiest thing, with both my in-laws and well-meaning Christian friends who come from really non-Jewish areas, is conveying that Judaism has a different mindset than Christianity, and it's not just a matter of "Jewish Y is just like Christian X" (see: Hanukkah is not Jewish Christmas). Explaining both that there are particular rules, like say not eating pork, and that different Jews approach these rules in different ways can take some time and patience.
We're still feeling things out for Christmas. We don't have anything in our house at all, but we're spending the holiday with my in-laws, as we have since we've been together. We're going to do our best to frame it as "We're helping Grandma and Grandpa celebrate their holiday" and see what happens. We're not giving Christmas presents to each other or to our daughter; we're also going to nip Santa in the bud, but Christmas presents from Grandma and Grandpa are OK. We're also going to feel out how they do there--if they go a bit overboard, we're going to try to have them scale things back.
posted by damayanti at 5:17 PM on December 18, 2019 [1 favorite]
I'm Jewish married to an Atheist raised Christian. We talked at length about this and made the following decisions that reinforce Jewish identity for our daughter:
- We keep a "Jewish household" which to us means mezuzot on the doors, no pork (but not explicitly kosher), Jewish artwork up, Jewish books around. We celebrate Jewish holidays in our home to the exclusion of other holidays.
- For holidays like Christmas, we celebrate those with Grandma and Grandpa at their house because they celebrate Christmas and it is lovely to celebrate with them.
- We had a baby naming for our daughter, and gave her a Hebrew name. We did a ceremony and reception, with a Rabbi-for-hire. All relatives were invited, on both sides.
- We go to some play groups that are sponsored by our local JCC, though it sounds like you might not have one of those.
- We subscribe to PJ Library, for the free books.
- If she wants to go to a Sunday School or become a Bat Mitzvah we'll do that, but she doesn't have to and we're not going to force her. We're not members of a synagogue and don't plan to become members.
- We do eat culturally Ashkenazi foods, as well as culturally Sabra/Israeli foods. We talk about the food and its' place in our cultural lives.
- We light Yartzeit candles.
- We did indeed build a Sukkah this year and it was really nice! Eating outside in the Sukkah is something we plan to do every year. My FIL helped my husband build it. Neither are Jewish. My FIL is an engineer and planned the whole thing. I was extremely impressed.
My in-laws had a bit of a struggle with understanding how we were going to be doing holidays and the religious identity of our daughter, but we have managed to convey that we are happy to celebrate any holiday at the home of the person whose holiday it is, and that seemed to satisfy them. They have been, at the very least, intellectually curious about Judaism and my husband has been the main communicator with them on the topic, coming to me if he needs clarification. He had a good sense of the questions they have (since he was raised by them) and we talked about those in advance. Sometimes there is still confusion, but we agreed that we'd just act in good faith and do our best, and our kid would turn out fine and there would probably be no doubt she was Jewish.
posted by juniperesque at 5:18 PM on December 18, 2019 [1 favorite]
- We keep a "Jewish household" which to us means mezuzot on the doors, no pork (but not explicitly kosher), Jewish artwork up, Jewish books around. We celebrate Jewish holidays in our home to the exclusion of other holidays.
- For holidays like Christmas, we celebrate those with Grandma and Grandpa at their house because they celebrate Christmas and it is lovely to celebrate with them.
- We had a baby naming for our daughter, and gave her a Hebrew name. We did a ceremony and reception, with a Rabbi-for-hire. All relatives were invited, on both sides.
- We go to some play groups that are sponsored by our local JCC, though it sounds like you might not have one of those.
- We subscribe to PJ Library, for the free books.
- If she wants to go to a Sunday School or become a Bat Mitzvah we'll do that, but she doesn't have to and we're not going to force her. We're not members of a synagogue and don't plan to become members.
- We do eat culturally Ashkenazi foods, as well as culturally Sabra/Israeli foods. We talk about the food and its' place in our cultural lives.
- We light Yartzeit candles.
- We did indeed build a Sukkah this year and it was really nice! Eating outside in the Sukkah is something we plan to do every year. My FIL helped my husband build it. Neither are Jewish. My FIL is an engineer and planned the whole thing. I was extremely impressed.
My in-laws had a bit of a struggle with understanding how we were going to be doing holidays and the religious identity of our daughter, but we have managed to convey that we are happy to celebrate any holiday at the home of the person whose holiday it is, and that seemed to satisfy them. They have been, at the very least, intellectually curious about Judaism and my husband has been the main communicator with them on the topic, coming to me if he needs clarification. He had a good sense of the questions they have (since he was raised by them) and we talked about those in advance. Sometimes there is still confusion, but we agreed that we'd just act in good faith and do our best, and our kid would turn out fine and there would probably be no doubt she was Jewish.
posted by juniperesque at 5:18 PM on December 18, 2019 [1 favorite]
I was raised reform Jewish by a Jewish mom and Unitarian but atheist dad. Now I'm raising three Jewish kids with a husband who was raised Catholic but also identifies as atheist. I grew up west of Cleveland in a small city with a small synagogue, and not many Jewish people, but I did go to sunday school, Hebrew school, and was a bat mitzvah. I had conservative cousins and aunt and uncle in another area of Cleveland, and we celebrated many holidays with them and went to synagogue for many Shabbat services and for the High Holidays. We did spend Christmas with my dad's family in another city nearly every year, but I was raised to believe that it was just a special family time and not anything remotely Christian. I also got to attend one summer at a reform Jewish camp, which was wonderful. We celebrated Jewish holidays in our home, read Jewish books, listened and sang Jewish music, and saw movies with Jewish themes. My mom's identity was very strongly Jewish, and we were very close. I moved away from Judaism for a few years as a young adult but returned by having a Jewish wedding and after we had our first child almost 12 years ago.
I now live in a very, very Jewish area north of Chicago, and am a member of a reform synagogue. We're raising our kids much like I was raised, but I think my kids may have a stronger Jewish identity or more comfort with being "culturally" Jewish because of the area where we live. My husband's family is also much more religious than my father's family, so my kids have both a stronger Jewish identity and more elaborate Christian traditions. My MIL gives my kids Christmas stockings and Easter baskets, which I never had, and is much more visibly into religion than any of my father's family. Time will tell whether my kids' Jewish identity remains strong into adulthood. Best of luck to you as you begin your new journey!
posted by percor at 12:40 PM on December 19, 2019
I now live in a very, very Jewish area north of Chicago, and am a member of a reform synagogue. We're raising our kids much like I was raised, but I think my kids may have a stronger Jewish identity or more comfort with being "culturally" Jewish because of the area where we live. My husband's family is also much more religious than my father's family, so my kids have both a stronger Jewish identity and more elaborate Christian traditions. My MIL gives my kids Christmas stockings and Easter baskets, which I never had, and is much more visibly into religion than any of my father's family. Time will tell whether my kids' Jewish identity remains strong into adulthood. Best of luck to you as you begin your new journey!
posted by percor at 12:40 PM on December 19, 2019
My dad is Jewish (raised Orthodox, but turned casually Reform as an adult) and my mom is Presbyterian (but I've never seen her go to church in my life). My sister and I were officially converted by an Orthodox rabbi when we were born and were raised Jewish. We grew up across the country from our Jewish family (actually both sides of the family) in a not hugely Jewish place (there were maybe a half a dozen Jewish families in school with us). I would say we both consider ourselves culturally Jewish but not religious as adults, and we do try to keep certain traditions in our own homes with our small kids.
My family went to temple for Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah (and we didn't go to school on those days). We celebrated Passover and Hanukkah at home. In elementary school, my mom would come in to our class and do some sort of Hanukkah activity every year. We attended Sunday school at the local Reform temple for a couple of years and later switched to a more casual after school Hebrew school once a week as older kids/pre-teens. We ended up being really close family friends with one of other Jewish families, but only because one of their daughters and I hit it off in second grade and they lived up the street -- it was just a happy coincidence that we were both Jewish. I think that really helped solidify our Jewish identity though, because it gave us another (slightly more observant) family to celebrate Jewish holidays with.
We were always back in my parents' hometown during the winter, so we did Christmas and Hanukkah with the respective grandparents. My mom would decorate our house for both holidays, and she also did Easter baskets. But there was never a hint of the more religious parts of the Christian holidays, except for some of the traditional Christmas carols.
As an adult, I have hosted a number of Passover seders where the non-Jews outnumber the Jews. I have a fair number of Jewish friends (more than I did growing up), and we actually rotate Passover every year and do it potluck style. We also always make sure there are latkes at the Christmas party. As others have mentioned, I have signed us up for PJ Library. At least in our area, they also send us offers to subsidize holiday celebrations if we gather 3 or more Jewish families together. We're currently at my in-laws through Christmas, but I brought a menorah and plan to light it during Hanukkah.
You say your in-laws are well meaning but clueless, so clue them in! (And/or ask your partner to help educate them, if that would go down smoother.) Include your friends and in-laws in your Jewish celebrations (as appropriate) so they feel big and communal. You may or may not want to modify or add to what you would normally do to make things more accessible to the non-Jews, but a lot of that would also come naturally as part of the educational experience for your own kids.
Good luck! I feel really lucky to have grown up the way I did. My bubbie would probably not be thrilled with how non-practicing we ended up, but you know what? She raised her kids (my dad and his brothers) pretty Orthodox, and none of them has maintained that level as adults, so you can do everything "right" and your kids are gonna do what your kids are gonna do.
posted by natabat at 10:40 AM on December 20, 2019
My family went to temple for Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah (and we didn't go to school on those days). We celebrated Passover and Hanukkah at home. In elementary school, my mom would come in to our class and do some sort of Hanukkah activity every year. We attended Sunday school at the local Reform temple for a couple of years and later switched to a more casual after school Hebrew school once a week as older kids/pre-teens. We ended up being really close family friends with one of other Jewish families, but only because one of their daughters and I hit it off in second grade and they lived up the street -- it was just a happy coincidence that we were both Jewish. I think that really helped solidify our Jewish identity though, because it gave us another (slightly more observant) family to celebrate Jewish holidays with.
We were always back in my parents' hometown during the winter, so we did Christmas and Hanukkah with the respective grandparents. My mom would decorate our house for both holidays, and she also did Easter baskets. But there was never a hint of the more religious parts of the Christian holidays, except for some of the traditional Christmas carols.
As an adult, I have hosted a number of Passover seders where the non-Jews outnumber the Jews. I have a fair number of Jewish friends (more than I did growing up), and we actually rotate Passover every year and do it potluck style. We also always make sure there are latkes at the Christmas party. As others have mentioned, I have signed us up for PJ Library. At least in our area, they also send us offers to subsidize holiday celebrations if we gather 3 or more Jewish families together. We're currently at my in-laws through Christmas, but I brought a menorah and plan to light it during Hanukkah.
You say your in-laws are well meaning but clueless, so clue them in! (And/or ask your partner to help educate them, if that would go down smoother.) Include your friends and in-laws in your Jewish celebrations (as appropriate) so they feel big and communal. You may or may not want to modify or add to what you would normally do to make things more accessible to the non-Jews, but a lot of that would also come naturally as part of the educational experience for your own kids.
Good luck! I feel really lucky to have grown up the way I did. My bubbie would probably not be thrilled with how non-practicing we ended up, but you know what? She raised her kids (my dad and his brothers) pretty Orthodox, and none of them has maintained that level as adults, so you can do everything "right" and your kids are gonna do what your kids are gonna do.
posted by natabat at 10:40 AM on December 20, 2019
I grew up Jewish (Reform home, personally gravitated towards Conservative). My husband was raised Episcopalian but had not real connection to Christianity. He not only agreed to raise the children in the Jewish faith but the understanding was that we had a Jewish home as a family. He was fine with that, was happy to support the kids in their Jewish education and actually decided to convert shortly before our oldest's Bar Mitzvah. (No pressure from me!)
Having done this for my family and watched others deal with this, my advice is
- Be clear to the kids that they ARE Jewish and that Mommy and Daddy are both happy about that. When they grow up, they can pick what is right for them and this is their foundation.
- The more home based celebrations the better! Even just lighting candles and blessing the children on Friday night is a positive connection. Eat outside during Sukkot (even if you don't have a Sukkah) Make hamentashcen as family for Purim
- Make it clear that being Jewish is not just a kid thing. Talk about how it influences your values and behavior - for example, if you give to charity, identify it as tzedakah and talk about how it is both a Jewish value and family value. (Not say that others don't value it but that you do in part because your faith tells you it is the right things to do) If you do something for environment, talk about Tikkun Olam and the obligation to make the world a better place.
- Belong to a Jewish community - join a temple or synagogue and go as a family and have them go to the kid oriented stuff. Give them a chance to have some Jewish friends. (Although my daughter had a terrible time socially at our synagogue but she did like our Jewish Girl Scout troop)
- Jewish summer camp has been shown to have powerful impact on a kid's Jewish identify. Consider it when they are older, especially if there is not much Jewish community locally.
- In terms of mixed faith relatives,we would celebrate holiday with others but the kids knew that was sharing in their holidays, not ours. Some years, if we hosted the family Christmas, we would wait for the Grandparents to come and then buy and put up the tree as part of sharing the holiday with them. If we didn't host that side of the family, we didn't have any Christmas decorations or trees in our house.
My kids are now adults, both clearly identify as Jewish and interact with the religion their own way. Even the kid that wanted nothing to do with organized religion in high school and for a number years after has now found a own connection to Judaism that is meaningful to them. It doesn't have to look like my choices but I feel good that our tradition is adding value to their life.
posted by metahawk at 3:07 PM on December 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
Having done this for my family and watched others deal with this, my advice is
- Be clear to the kids that they ARE Jewish and that Mommy and Daddy are both happy about that. When they grow up, they can pick what is right for them and this is their foundation.
- The more home based celebrations the better! Even just lighting candles and blessing the children on Friday night is a positive connection. Eat outside during Sukkot (even if you don't have a Sukkah) Make hamentashcen as family for Purim
- Make it clear that being Jewish is not just a kid thing. Talk about how it influences your values and behavior - for example, if you give to charity, identify it as tzedakah and talk about how it is both a Jewish value and family value. (Not say that others don't value it but that you do in part because your faith tells you it is the right things to do) If you do something for environment, talk about Tikkun Olam and the obligation to make the world a better place.
- Belong to a Jewish community - join a temple or synagogue and go as a family and have them go to the kid oriented stuff. Give them a chance to have some Jewish friends. (Although my daughter had a terrible time socially at our synagogue but she did like our Jewish Girl Scout troop)
- Jewish summer camp has been shown to have powerful impact on a kid's Jewish identify. Consider it when they are older, especially if there is not much Jewish community locally.
- In terms of mixed faith relatives,we would celebrate holiday with others but the kids knew that was sharing in their holidays, not ours. Some years, if we hosted the family Christmas, we would wait for the Grandparents to come and then buy and put up the tree as part of sharing the holiday with them. If we didn't host that side of the family, we didn't have any Christmas decorations or trees in our house.
My kids are now adults, both clearly identify as Jewish and interact with the religion their own way. Even the kid that wanted nothing to do with organized religion in high school and for a number years after has now found a own connection to Judaism that is meaningful to them. It doesn't have to look like my choices but I feel good that our tradition is adding value to their life.
posted by metahawk at 3:07 PM on December 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
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