Feeling pessimistic about my mother's future

December 14, 2019 6:56 PM

I survived my first week of my new job in a new city and drove back this weekend to collect my mother from the hospital after she was discharged. They have set up home care for her, have her on new medications, but overall... I just feel pessimistic about the future and this situation. How do I just accept the situation for what it is and try to worry less?

I guess my question is, how do I just... accept the situation for what it is? I'm worried that she'll reject home care, or quit taking her medications (as they prescribed her to a mood stabilizer/anti-depressant, and quit her high blood pressure medications).

She's had years of untreated mental illness, and she quit taking medications that were prescribed to her before to treat it and now i'm sure she'll quit again. Even though she says she will, even though she says she'll do homecare. I guess if I'm in a new city, I can't do much.

I still have A LOT of questions about her health and future, but I won't be able to take her to her family physician until the New Year. I guess she passed her capacity assessment, which really surprises me. Because until last week, they were all leaning towards putting her in an assisted living facility! But now I guess she's fine and is capable of making her own choices (even though she failed the MoCA test???). Whatever, a geriatrician saw her, and I should have asked smarter questions... but I was just burnt out. I had no energy between all my anxiety, moving to a new city, starting a new job to question anything.

I'm surprised that she was released after failing her MoCA test, because the hospital social worker bitched me out for asking "what about homecare?" LAST WEEK, and how they "questioned my judgement" if I would allow her to have homecare... so I'm unclear what changed. (I guess the fact that my mom passed her "capacity assessment?). I got so frustrated dealing with doctors, social workers, and nurses, that I just smiled and nodded and didn't bother asking questions, as the questions I asked never got answers, or I wasn't asking the right questions. Due to this I'm worried that the wrong decision was made. What if she should have gone into an assisted living facility? What if home-care doesn't work out? There are so many what-ifs. Now I feel guilty for wanting her to be discharged in the first place, because I couldn't handle the stress of managing her empty house from afar, thinking about the financial stress, etc. It just seems like there's no winning in this situation and I'm exhausted.

posted by VirginiaPlain to Human Relations (9 answers total)

What jumps out to me reading your post is that you need some support and possibly to catch up on your sleep. Therapy might be useful.

I'm sorry things have been so rough. Be kind to yourself.
posted by bunderful at 7:57 PM on December 14, 2019 [5 favorites]

And this just popped up up on social media - Caregiver Action Network. Among other things there's a hotline for caregivers (855-227-3640, staffed 8a-7p ET).
posted by bunderful at 8:10 PM on December 14, 2019 [1 favorite]

Sorry you are going through the above. Not sure can add too much, but listen, you care -- so that's huge. But, her diseases are chronic and require compliance. While she is on pills, none of them are magic. As long as she can call for help, she will likely be ok. I'm really hoping she was not discharged without making sure she had some level of an ability to do that. The way such things usually work out is that if/when she needs to go back -- either due to ineffective meds or meds not taken -- they will then figure homecare/assisted living is the way to go -- and that might be and that might be what's best for her. If she makes it, she makes it. Try to use some advanced tech -- inside cameras or the like if you think you need to keep a close eye and even be able to communicate too.
posted by skepticallypleased at 9:23 PM on December 14, 2019 [1 favorite]

Every good day she has is a victory, one that you won't always witness directly, but one caused by you.
posted by amtho at 1:47 AM on December 15, 2019 [1 favorite]

The home care agencies are very use to taking care of people the edge between homecare and assisted living facilities and will be checking in in-person with her regularly. Do you know how often? They will not hesitate to recommend a higher level of care and can and do call emergency services if they walk in and something is really wrong.

People's mental status does change with their health. It's quite possible once everything medical was under control that her mental status is much better.

I'm sorry that this has been so difficult for you. I hope you can reach out and get support for yourself. It might help to try and at least be an emergency contact with the home health agency, they may be way easier to talk to than the hospital.
posted by AlexiaSky at 2:17 AM on December 15, 2019 [1 favorite]

I feel like you need to be reminded that you are not responsible for your mother, and you are 110% entitled to lead your own life and follow your own ambitions and hopes.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:57 AM on December 15, 2019 [13 favorites]

You've had a very stressful couple of weeks (moving and new jobs are both high on the list for stressors, and then adding you mom's issues on top of it!) so you are currently in fight-or-flight-or-freeze mode. When your brain is in that mode it is literally impossible to plan ahead or even access long-term thought.

The best thing you can do right now is keep putting one foot in front of the other, and spend a few extra bucks whenever possible to allow yourself good sleep and nutrition for the next month (take taxis to work if that means you can sleep an extra 30 mins in the morning and zone out on the commute. Pay for grocery delivery or healthy takeout food. Drink veggie/fruit smoothies, eat steak every couple days, etc). Drink lots of water. Be gentle with yourself. Sleep. Sleep more.

Keep your head barely above water for another month, just take care of your body. And by next month the job and the move will have settled a bit and you can take better stock of what's next. You got this!
posted by pseudostrabismus at 9:55 AM on December 15, 2019

People can and do go back and forth between home care, nursing homes, and assisted living. No decision about her living situation is permanent, even if it's the right one at the time. So, if the doctors got it wrong, that's ok, you and they will know soon and can adjust.
posted by Ausamor at 9:55 AM on December 15, 2019 [2 favorites]

I expect this varies state to state, but we dealt with a similar situation in California and learned that its actually very hard to force someone to take any kind of care. You have to get them declared incompetent which is not simple, has a lot of administrative overhead and can be emotionally rough.

If you can at all afford it, I would suggest getting two kinds of professional help for yourself: first, there are basically professional social workers you can hire who can holistically assess the situation, advise on options and help connect you and your mother with appropriate services. They can go so far as to manage ALL OF IT for you - taking her to appointments, interfacing with doctors, etc. But that's something she'd have to agree to and will get expensive. Just having them do an initial assessment and recommendations may not cost that much and I believe is a good investment to get their professional advice and perspective. Second, get in place an eldercare specialist attorney. This person can help with setting up any legal documents and frameworks necessary to help you manage and interact with professionals like doctors, etc. I'm talking POA and healthcare directives specifically. And if it turns out that you do need to try to get guardianship established they will help with this. There are even professionals who can be hired (who would be the same people in place in a guardianship situation were you not able to act in those capacities) to manage every aspect of her life. A lot of this will depend on how much money you (and she) have to throw at this situation.

If you find one of these professionals first, they may be able to recommend one of the other. We've learned it's a small, specialized world and most often they are connecting regularly for many cases similar to yours. If you want to feel better about this situation and understand what you can and cannot (and WILL and WILL NOT) do a lawyer and a private social worker will be incredibly helpful in setting up your guideposts. They have seen it all and even if you don't like the facts will make you feel a lot less alone.
posted by marylynn at 6:01 PM on December 15, 2019 [1 favorite]