Disconnected from Society?
December 11, 2019 8:25 PM   Subscribe

Lately, I've been thinking about how I don't feel a strong connection to my culture (American-Chinese) but at a loss how to change it.

I'm not interested in CN web novels, dramas/movies, or even manhua. Although I understand 50% Mandarin I cannot speak, read, or write Mandarin. Also, I live in a diverse NYC community but I don't celebrate any specific holiday other than NYE. I'm mostly estranged from my immediate family and there's a language barrier for the others.

I'm aware they have a Chinese club on campus yet I'm just not really into clubs. Then Social media feels like it's too ax-grindy like FB, Twitter, and Reddit. Language classes would be expensive and I don't really have much money either. It's just so awkward when someone asks me if I speak a second language and I just reply I don't.

At the same time, I wonder if it's just a millennial quarter-life crisis to be disconnected from life or even my past. Growing up I was pretty much the only Chinese American in class for years and I would think I'd come to accept it now. I'm in my late 20s now but I'm wondering if I'll always be distant from my heritage due to my own personality and if I'm missing out on anything. Most of my time I'm balancing classes and doctor appointments so I feel like everything I do is just not enough.

FWIW: I do suffer from depression/anxiety and I'm under medical care.

Finally, I'm wondering if other first-generation Americans feel the same way and how you cope? Am I just not trying hard enough? Thanks.
posted by chrono_rabbit to Society & Culture (16 answers total) 11 users marked this as a favorite
 
I’m not Chinese but I’m a daughter of immigrants (second culture kid) and was distant from my family too. I can say that for me grabbing at my ancestral culture did not replace the feelings of connectedness / meaning that I was searching for, however I travelled to the homeland for the first time a few years ago and it really put into place for me how much my mother mothered me as a result of her culture. The flaws I faulted her for were the pressures of her culture (and her pushing against that culture) and of course the generational trauma of WWII.

I know you don’t have the funds right now but at some point visit your ancestoral region. You don’t have to be someone or some culture that you are not; it’s not like you’ll go there and feel Home. You're a second culture kid and a feeling of rootlessness is common in that group. But a trip might shed light for you.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 8:42 PM on December 11, 2019 [3 favorites]


Lately, I've been thinking about how I don't feel a strong connection to my culture (American-Chinese) but at a loss how to change it.

As a starting point, I recommend doing the work required to gain clarity on who and what you are. Because until you have that, not only are you likely to remain dogged by depression and anxiety, you're also likely to waste a huge amount of time pursuing the ghosts of mistaken assumptions about what the words "my culture" actually refer to.

With a clear understanding of who and what you are, it will become apparent to you that being disconnected from your culture (as opposed to feeling disconnected from your culture) is simply not a thing, because wherever you choose to live, your culture is right there waiting for you to notice it.

Your culture has no existence at all beyond the experience and traditions and expectations of people like you, and the only person with any right to make a call about who is in and who is out of the set of people you recognize as being like you is you.

The idea that a culture can be properly identified by a label consisting of a couple of country names is simply incorrect. Cultures are way more complicated, nuanced, fluid and dynamic than to allow such a thing.

How do you feel about the strength of your connection to first-generation American immigrant culture?

Conversely, if what you're actually after is a strengthening of your connection to your heritage, then it seems completely obvious to me that your starting point would need to be improving your skills in the languages spoken by earlier generations of your family. If you can't read what they wrote, you haven't much hope of understanding how they thought.
posted by flabdablet at 10:24 PM on December 11, 2019 [1 favorite]


Hmm -- I'm in the same demographic as you (born in northern China to urban-educated parents, came to the US when 4, been here ever since).

China has changed so fast that I don't think we can expect to have a connection with the "homeland." The homeland has exploded into so many worlds (maybe it was already that many worlds, but the distances have widened). The "homeland" that our parents came from is not anything that exists anymore.

As someone of the 1990s-batch Northern (urban, educated) immigration who grew up near a research university and not a Chinatown, I also feel super disconnected from most American depictions of "Chinese" culture because it's largely of southern Chinese folks. Not discounting the heroics they pulled in a hostile land, but I just don't relate. My parents worked in the restaurants they started but hoped I went to better schools than the restaurant owners' kids.

What do I relate to? Jewish-American(?) stories. I don't know if my teachers just were at a loss and gave me the only books about educated parents + assimilating children they could find, but I related the hell out of Chaim Potok, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, etc. Yang the Youngest and his Terrible Ear, if you want.
posted by batter_my_heart at 10:34 PM on December 11, 2019 [3 favorites]


Do I feel the same way?
Yes.

How do I cope?
Poorly.

Are you not trying hard enough?
Sounds like you're trying harder than me, and I don't have the classes or the doctors' appointments in top.

Like you, illiterate. We speak a dialect at home, in which I can carry on simple conversations on domestic topics. In Mandarin, I can have formulaic conversations in restaurants and shops, but no more. I tried language lessons, but dropped out because I had no real use for written Chinese other than satisfying some feeling that I should be literate. Also because I was placed by my literacy into a class of total beginners who were struggling with the pronunciation.

Recently, my parents were coming over to dinner, and with the help of the Plecco dictionary app I sent them the menu in Chinese. That felt good.

At this point most of my connection to mainland China comes through the food. I don't speak the language, or read the literature, or (often) agree with the social norms, but I do cook the same food. And shopping for that food at New York Mart in Chinatown or Pacific Mart in Jackson Heights is a weekly immersion in an environment where I do not stand out. Also a brief opportunity to speak a few words in Mandarin.

More later if I can organize my thoughts better. For now: welcome. You're only failing the normal amount.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 11:09 PM on December 11, 2019 [5 favorites]


Hi, ABC here. I think it's OK to be conflicted. We are forever between the expectations of American default society, and the expectations of our families. We are never going to fit comfortably into people's assumptions of how we should act and what we should know.

I grew up in the Bay Area and it was kind of a bubble as far as multiculturalism goes, but I have spent some years in the Midwest and know how odd it can be to be the only Asian person at a bar etc. It forced me to act more American, for lack of a better term. At the same time, Chinese students visiting from China didn't really see me as fully Chinese.

I've been lucky to have had Mandarin instruction when I was young, even if I hated it at the time. That's one source of cultural grounding. I speak Mandarin with my family and relatives, but from what I've observed of my cohort, my degree of fluency is not so common, even if it's primary school level. Language learning is tough though.

I've also been lucky to have had friends, colleagues, and mentors who haven't made a big deal about my hyphenated identity. I have a number of second-generation friends from various cultures, who understand the position we're all in. There is no 'correct' way of being X-American.
posted by Standard Orange at 1:17 AM on December 12, 2019


As far as language goes: have you considered free language partner programs? The idea is you meet up with someone who knows a little English and a lot of Mandarin and you just hang out and talk a little in both languages. There may be programs through your university but I also see them advertised at good Chinese restaurants.

It may be some culture shock for both of you but it might also be a good learning experience.
posted by SaltySalticid at 6:06 AM on December 12, 2019 [2 favorites]


I did something like SaltySalticid's recommendation with a French speaker through an informal arrangement. It was enjoyable and led to a friendship.
posted by Botanizer at 6:17 AM on December 12, 2019


I'm a first generation ABC that grew up around six Chinese peers who weren't related to us. We spoke Toi San at home, but our parents pushed us to assimilate and do the best in school we could. When I went to college, I similarly felt unmoored because other Asian Americans shared a very different sense of being Asian, with a much stronger tie to traditions and communities. I looked in and felt not Asian enough, but also that the mainly White campus expected me to fit that mold. I had a few Asian friends in college, but really hung out with the White kids that felt more like the kids I grew up with.

When I finished school and was on my own, I moved to Minneapolis. There's not a huge Chinese community here, but there's some. There's also a strong Hmong and Vietnamese community. By chance, I moved near a street with several Asian grocery stores and restaurants, and it was through food, both cooking and eating, that I reconnected with our culture. I love sharing that love of lesser known Chinese food with others. I've casually learned more about our history and traditions.

There's no real answer here, just that you aren't alone and many of us go through the same questions, and some of us come out the other end with comfort in who we are and where we came from.
posted by advicepig at 6:48 AM on December 12, 2019 [3 favorites]


Since Chinese American authors were mentioned, in case you want more: R. F. Kuang is young, but her debut novel The Poppy War was awesome and also helped me understand some real Chinese history, even though it is alternate history/fantasy.
posted by SaltySalticid at 9:43 AM on December 12, 2019


I'm wondering: are you able to connect with other Chinese-Americans in your day-to-day life? Because reading through your post, it seems to me like you're looking for connection to Chinese culture, which, for what it's worth, is not the same as Chinese-American culture.

Personally, while I'm fairly fluent in spoken Chinese and can read at an elementary school level, the thing that really made me aware of my ethnicity and heritage as a concrete part of my identity, and not just something in the background that I don't think about much, is having friends and coworkers who share the same life experiences, and with whom I can talk about specifically Chinese-American things (or maybe just NYC Chinese-American things) like the pressure of getting into a specialized high school, or our favorite food places in Chinatown/Flushing, or our complicated feelings about our place (for lack of a better word) in politics that involve issues of ethnicity. Also, while I found that I became somewhat more connected to my heritage through chinese webnovels/dramas etc., what really helped was creating relationships through discussing them, both what we love and what we find frustrating, with other Chinese-American fans, as well as other English-speaking fans from the global Chinese diaspora.

The tricky thing about being a part of an immigrant community I find is that you're never fully integrated into the "native" cultures of either country just on the basis of having experiences outside the common understanding of either, so your best point of connection is likely to be other immigrant/second-gen folks who can understand where you're coming from. I think that's probably why I was literally sobbing in my seat the first time I saw Crazy Rich Asians, because even though it wasn't speaking to an experience directly analogous to my own, the sense of not belonging when you're surrounded by people who look like you and supposedly share your heritage, and still finding happiness and triumph anyway, hit me right in the gut.

As a side note that you may or may not find relevant: I recently started treatment for ADHD which for the longest time I thought was depression/anxiety/general uselessness and which, looking back, was a huge reason why I felt unable to socialize or make meaningful connections through most of my life. It has made an amazing difference, and I very much encourage you look into it if the symptoms in any way resonate with you.
posted by Dante Riordan at 10:18 AM on December 12, 2019


Response by poster: I would say if I had infinite resources I would want to learn how to read Mandarin (I like reading a lot) and I feel like it's difficult to connect to other ABC or people overall mostly b/c of my personality. I admit not really sure what American-Chinese culture would be since I grew up isolated other than some books.
posted by chrono_rabbit at 5:14 PM on December 12, 2019


+...3? for The Poppy War.

Other book recommendations:

Laurence Yep, although note that he's writing for, like, sixth graders. You won't be reading it for the sophisticated prose.

Three-Body Problem. The opening scenes during the Cultural Revolution were so, so reminiscent of my parents' stories.

Ken Liu, whom I originally met as the translator of the Three Body Problem, has his own fantasy series set in a Chinese-inspired world.

Aliette de Bodard is, I think, Vietnamese, but if you ignore the extra syllables in people's names it feels basically like China. Also sci-fi.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 10:01 PM on December 12, 2019


I'd ask yourself whether there's any reason you should feel obligated to have a connection to your heritage culture. You probably want to have a connection to something, but who says it has to be that? You should do whatever you feel you want to do and not feel like you are "supposed" to be connected to that in particular. You have your own identify and you can see where in the world that identify fits best.
posted by Dansaman at 10:31 PM on December 12, 2019


As the mods have apparently decided not to, I would like to add my voice to rather be jorting's in reassuring you that it is perfectly reasonable to want more of a connection to your heritage, that it is perfectly reasonable to look to others of your racial and cultural background for a feeling of belonging and acceptance, that if you feel you have not done so adequately that is because this is fucking hard and not because your goals are somehow misguided.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 7:50 AM on December 13, 2019 [1 favorite]


I also grew up as a minority in my area and I feel a lot of things of connection to where I grew up, and to the things I learned about and experienced with my friends, and to the things from my own cultures of origin that I learned about and experienced with my family. But things that I've learned about as an adult that are part of my cultures of origin, sometimes I get lucky and they speak to me but more often it's just, like, interesting history facts about other people.
posted by Lady Li at 8:17 AM on December 13, 2019


That said, I have a sense you're looking for connection to *something* more than specifically to your ethnic background. Connection (like love) is a thing that can be built by your actions, not just exists free-floating in the world. Are there some people - a hobby, a religion, a philosophy - that you have found appealing and interesting and would want to get involved with? Is there a group you can volunteer with or a friend you can set up a regular coffee date with?
posted by Lady Li at 8:20 AM on December 13, 2019


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