[NSFW Filter] Guilt over faking an orgasm... I think I might be asexual.
December 10, 2019 8:06 PM Subscribe
When I have x-rated fun, I often have to fake my orgasm. I'm feeling ashamed and think I might be asexual. This isn't the first time. Would highly love some advice about this.
Note: I'm going to try my best to keep this clean, but this might not be NSFW, just as a heads up.
I've noticed over the years, as a self-identifying bisexual (leaning more to men) male, I have a very hard time finishing up when I'm with another guy. Often, I had to fake my orgasms or admit defeat. I just couldn't finish the deed, sadly. It's actually VERY rare that I'm able to 'let go' with someone.
I don't think it's my actual sex drive, though, because I have no problem with self-pleasure at all. I'm perfectly capable of doing that and have no problems at all, both with the frequency and actual deed.
I suspect this is a combination of my anxiety and low self esteem. I've been working a lot this year on my self-esteem and calibrating past issues or mistakes, and been making a lot of progress, but when it comes to x-rated fun/sex, unfortunately, I haven't really had a chance to focus on that area. I'm a bit concerned because I'm getting old, my sex drive is fading a bit (normal for men in my age range), and I want to have fun, but I often find myself resisting requests to have fun because I know I'd probably just have to fake it. I don't feel comfortable 'letting go' and becoming comfortable and enjoying it, if that makes sense. When I'm with a guy, I feel nervous and tense when we're doing it. It happens with all guys, regardless of how nice they are. It's not them, it's me.
Three main incidents, I suspect, contributed to this.
1) In college, a very long time ago, I was assaulted. A guy did something to me after I explicitly asked him not to do that specific act.
2) About ten years ago, I was having fun with one man, when all of a sudden, he said he had to leave and didn't feel comfortable. After he left, he texted me in disbelief and said "I couldn't believe I did this with someone like you" and promptly blocked me on all social media. That really, really hurt (especially as I had self-esteem issues with my appearance at the time), and it took me a while to recover from it.
3) I had fun with a male friend who visited my roommate when I was living with a group of people many moons ago. Unknown to me, this male was seeing another roommate of mine. Next day, my roommate angrily pounded on my door and demanded to know why I had fun with him. This was a very uncomfortable situation. The roommate said he warned me that the male friend was his, but I didn't realize it (he was metaphorical about it and unclear, so I did not understand what he was trying to say... it was a genuine mistake on my part).
Add to that I grew up sheltered and wasn't taught to be open-minded about sex, etc., and here I am. I don't think I had much positive experiences with sex.
Tonight, I had x-rated fun with a guy who was very kind-mannered. We had a good time, he was hot, all that, but even with all those positive factors, I was still unable to relax enough to orgasm, even with alcohol. I had to fake it. I realized now that I felt ashamed and guilty that I had to keep faking orgasms, and I really want to resolve this so I can really enjoy x-rated fun (while I still can biologically and physically). I'm not sure if I'm asexual or not, because I have no problems with self-pleasure, so any advice would be helpful.
If you can point me to any good advice, thoughts, or even resources, that'd be wonderful! A therapist might not be financially viable for me, as right now I'm sorta in-between jobs, but I'm totally open to any input or anecdotes. Thank you!
Note: I'm going to try my best to keep this clean, but this might not be NSFW, just as a heads up.
I've noticed over the years, as a self-identifying bisexual (leaning more to men) male, I have a very hard time finishing up when I'm with another guy. Often, I had to fake my orgasms or admit defeat. I just couldn't finish the deed, sadly. It's actually VERY rare that I'm able to 'let go' with someone.
I don't think it's my actual sex drive, though, because I have no problem with self-pleasure at all. I'm perfectly capable of doing that and have no problems at all, both with the frequency and actual deed.
I suspect this is a combination of my anxiety and low self esteem. I've been working a lot this year on my self-esteem and calibrating past issues or mistakes, and been making a lot of progress, but when it comes to x-rated fun/sex, unfortunately, I haven't really had a chance to focus on that area. I'm a bit concerned because I'm getting old, my sex drive is fading a bit (normal for men in my age range), and I want to have fun, but I often find myself resisting requests to have fun because I know I'd probably just have to fake it. I don't feel comfortable 'letting go' and becoming comfortable and enjoying it, if that makes sense. When I'm with a guy, I feel nervous and tense when we're doing it. It happens with all guys, regardless of how nice they are. It's not them, it's me.
Three main incidents, I suspect, contributed to this.
1) In college, a very long time ago, I was assaulted. A guy did something to me after I explicitly asked him not to do that specific act.
2) About ten years ago, I was having fun with one man, when all of a sudden, he said he had to leave and didn't feel comfortable. After he left, he texted me in disbelief and said "I couldn't believe I did this with someone like you" and promptly blocked me on all social media. That really, really hurt (especially as I had self-esteem issues with my appearance at the time), and it took me a while to recover from it.
3) I had fun with a male friend who visited my roommate when I was living with a group of people many moons ago. Unknown to me, this male was seeing another roommate of mine. Next day, my roommate angrily pounded on my door and demanded to know why I had fun with him. This was a very uncomfortable situation. The roommate said he warned me that the male friend was his, but I didn't realize it (he was metaphorical about it and unclear, so I did not understand what he was trying to say... it was a genuine mistake on my part).
Add to that I grew up sheltered and wasn't taught to be open-minded about sex, etc., and here I am. I don't think I had much positive experiences with sex.
Tonight, I had x-rated fun with a guy who was very kind-mannered. We had a good time, he was hot, all that, but even with all those positive factors, I was still unable to relax enough to orgasm, even with alcohol. I had to fake it. I realized now that I felt ashamed and guilty that I had to keep faking orgasms, and I really want to resolve this so I can really enjoy x-rated fun (while I still can biologically and physically). I'm not sure if I'm asexual or not, because I have no problems with self-pleasure, so any advice would be helpful.
If you can point me to any good advice, thoughts, or even resources, that'd be wonderful! A therapist might not be financially viable for me, as right now I'm sorta in-between jobs, but I'm totally open to any input or anecdotes. Thank you!
I'm so sorry to see all the shame in your story. None of the three things that have gone wrong in previous encounters are your fault, but they all sound traumatic. You don't deserve to feel shame too.
I think you might be a lot like me, I've had this same problem having what feels like a normal level of success with new partners, but with long-time loving safe partners everything works in a way that feels normal and right to me. I think it's the same way I have trouble sleeping the first night of vacation when I'm in a new hotel room. The lizard brain just says nope, I don't care what you tell me, this isn't safe until I'm here a few nights and everything's still ok.
Your date tonight with the kind and hot (!) guy sounds great, and I wish you could feel joy about it instead of shame. I think if you date him 10 or 50 more times, doing all sorts of things together, not just sex, you will find your body working in a way that feels right. In the meantime, have some imperfect sex, heck have a ton of it, maybe roll your eyes together or laugh about it, and enjoy it anyway. Maybe talk about it (sharing and intimacy are what make trust) and see if he'd like to spend some time just spooning or wrestling naked, or taking baths together, or seeing who's more ticklish, or any other kind of play that sounds fun to both of you, and gets your bodies together to show your lizard brain that it's fun and safe. Orgasms are nice but having a kind and hot (!) guy around can be fun in lots of ways.
One other thing: if you are not in the 60..80 age range you are worrying about age-related changes way too much and you need to unprogram yourself about that. The extreme worship of youth in gay culture is poison. We all can have sex lives as long as we want them (sure they will change over time, and that's good, because they tend to get better), and if you're hearing that you become undeserving and unlovable and unshaggable at 29 or 39 or 49 or whatever, that's garbage on par with the stuff in beauty magazines at the grocery store checkout. Disregard.
posted by fritley at 9:03 PM on December 10, 2019 [11 favorites]
I think you might be a lot like me, I've had this same problem having what feels like a normal level of success with new partners, but with long-time loving safe partners everything works in a way that feels normal and right to me. I think it's the same way I have trouble sleeping the first night of vacation when I'm in a new hotel room. The lizard brain just says nope, I don't care what you tell me, this isn't safe until I'm here a few nights and everything's still ok.
Your date tonight with the kind and hot (!) guy sounds great, and I wish you could feel joy about it instead of shame. I think if you date him 10 or 50 more times, doing all sorts of things together, not just sex, you will find your body working in a way that feels right. In the meantime, have some imperfect sex, heck have a ton of it, maybe roll your eyes together or laugh about it, and enjoy it anyway. Maybe talk about it (sharing and intimacy are what make trust) and see if he'd like to spend some time just spooning or wrestling naked, or taking baths together, or seeing who's more ticklish, or any other kind of play that sounds fun to both of you, and gets your bodies together to show your lizard brain that it's fun and safe. Orgasms are nice but having a kind and hot (!) guy around can be fun in lots of ways.
One other thing: if you are not in the 60..80 age range you are worrying about age-related changes way too much and you need to unprogram yourself about that. The extreme worship of youth in gay culture is poison. We all can have sex lives as long as we want them (sure they will change over time, and that's good, because they tend to get better), and if you're hearing that you become undeserving and unlovable and unshaggable at 29 or 39 or 49 or whatever, that's garbage on par with the stuff in beauty magazines at the grocery store checkout. Disregard.
posted by fritley at 9:03 PM on December 10, 2019 [11 favorites]
Friend.
You are okay. Knowing your history through AskMe, I'm quite sure that you are not asexual, but are rather a just another gay man who has been living with a bunch of anxiety compounded by other issues that intersect in really shitty ways. Don't worry, that's a thing that basically all of us are working through!
You are okay.
Let's say that one more time for emphasis: you are okay.
I know it's hard to take perspective, but please do believe that you are five million times in a better place than you were two or five or eight years ago. You're not panicking about (very weird) roommate problems or whatever, you're at the point where you're just worried about very normal things like whether you had sex the right way. You're doing ok.
Therapy is a good option, and I hope you'll ask around for a good (probably gay, maybe Deaf if you can find it?) person to talk with. The goal is to get out of your own head and to just... to breathe. To be gentle, to be gracious to yourself. Not to beat yourself up for not fulfilling the expectations that you're placing on yourself.
If you find yourself in sexytime with a partner and he's not responding kindly to your anxiety when the pants come off, fuck him (er, don't fuck him, I mean...). But it sounds like that hasn't been the case recently, it's more that no one is hating your sexuality more than you are.
Self-hate is the worst hate. Don't do that, friend.
posted by tivalasvegas at 9:33 PM on December 10, 2019 [5 favorites]
You are okay. Knowing your history through AskMe, I'm quite sure that you are not asexual, but are rather a just another gay man who has been living with a bunch of anxiety compounded by other issues that intersect in really shitty ways. Don't worry, that's a thing that basically all of us are working through!
You are okay.
Let's say that one more time for emphasis: you are okay.
I know it's hard to take perspective, but please do believe that you are five million times in a better place than you were two or five or eight years ago. You're not panicking about (very weird) roommate problems or whatever, you're at the point where you're just worried about very normal things like whether you had sex the right way. You're doing ok.
Therapy is a good option, and I hope you'll ask around for a good (probably gay, maybe Deaf if you can find it?) person to talk with. The goal is to get out of your own head and to just... to breathe. To be gentle, to be gracious to yourself. Not to beat yourself up for not fulfilling the expectations that you're placing on yourself.
If you find yourself in sexytime with a partner and he's not responding kindly to your anxiety when the pants come off, fuck him (er, don't fuck him, I mean...). But it sounds like that hasn't been the case recently, it's more that no one is hating your sexuality more than you are.
Self-hate is the worst hate. Don't do that, friend.
posted by tivalasvegas at 9:33 PM on December 10, 2019 [5 favorites]
It can take a while to trust someone enough to let go, especially when you have a past history of trauma around it. I think if you spend more time with your hot friend (not necessarily sexytime) just getting to know each other and communicating, you may feel comfortable enough to get there. FYI, this is very common, you’re not alone!
You’re making yourself vulnerable and for many of us, this doesn’t happen instantly or with just anyone. Doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, you may just be a person who needs to take it slow.
posted by Jubey at 9:46 PM on December 10, 2019
You’re making yourself vulnerable and for many of us, this doesn’t happen instantly or with just anyone. Doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, you may just be a person who needs to take it slow.
posted by Jubey at 9:46 PM on December 10, 2019
Asexuality is more about how/whether/under what circumstances you experience sexual attraction than it is about your libido. You could be asexual and masturbate a lot or not at all. Asexual people can also run the spectrum from repulsed by sex to favorable to sex. The pages the asexuality subreddit has set up are pretty helpful.
What you’ve written here doesn’t really indicate to me (a person on the ace spectrum) that you’re on the ace spectrum, but it’s worth reading about it and exploring whether you fall somewhere on it if you’re questioning.
posted by Gymnopedist at 10:34 PM on December 10, 2019 [1 favorite]
What you’ve written here doesn’t really indicate to me (a person on the ace spectrum) that you’re on the ace spectrum, but it’s worth reading about it and exploring whether you fall somewhere on it if you’re questioning.
posted by Gymnopedist at 10:34 PM on December 10, 2019 [1 favorite]
'nthing anxiety rather than asexuality. It sounds to me like you experience sexual attraction and desire, but are having problems reaching orgasm with a partner. This is not unusual at all, even if it is something people don't talk about (especially men). Maybe you are some flavour of gray asexual, but I don't really get that read and think you should spend more time exploring your arousal and sexuality before making that conclusion.
Difficulty reaching climax is similar to (some kinds) of erectile problems in that it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You had a problem last time and so now you're thinking about it this time and that pressure of expectation is is making it even more difficult. It's a cruel loop and you'll get more in your own head each time you pressure yourself and then fail until maybe you eventually convince yourself that you just can't. You need to relax a little and stop putting pressure on yourself, which is much easier said than done.
I make these suggestions:
- Stop beating yourself up about this. It happens to many people of all different types. It isn't nice to have this problem, but it isn't unusual and it won't last forever. Usually with this kind of thing once you've gotten over that first bump with someone you'll be fine going forward, but the reason for that bump might make it a thing with each new partner as you learn each other's bodies and minds.
- Re-calibrate your expectations and goals for sex. Break it down, why are you having sex? The goal isn't just to orgasm, right? You can do that on your own. There's more to it than that so think about what you really enjoy. Maybe you really enjoy receiving oral sex, for example. Do you enjoy it just because of the orgasm at the end or is there more to it than that? The specific sensations and teasing. Perhaps a feeling of dominance. Maybe it's just really damn sexy to have someone look you in the eyes while performing oral. If that's all true does it really matter if you don't orgasm at the end? Enjoy the experience and it's okay to ask your partner to stop once you've had enough. The same goes for all of sex. Enjoy it for what it is, try not to worry about reaching a climax and focus on everything else. Getting your partner off. Enjoying individual sensations. Feeling sexy. Feeling in control. Losing control. So on and so forth.
- Consider that maybe how you're having sex might not be doing it for you. This might be especially true if you don't consistently have the same partner(s). It can take a while for someone to learn all the ways to make your engine roar. You may also not be reaching the level of arousal you need to orgasm, either because your partner doesn't know how to get you there or isn't spending enough time on foreplay (yes this is a thing for people with penises as well). It can also take some time to build intimacy and trust as well as learn your way around a partner, so you may find that the first few times with a new partner that you can't orgasm. That's okay too.
- Stop faking it. It's okay to not orgasm and finish without ever getting there. See re-calibrating above. You're not doing your partner any favours by making them think they've helped you orgasm, except for saving them an ego bruise. You can say, "that was great. I really enjoyed that thing you did, but my arousal has passed for now." There are also ways to navigate this more erotically should you want to by making this about self control or tease & denial. I.e. "That was really good, but you're going to have to do a lot better than that get me off! I'll let you try again sometime... if you're good." Or whatever. I'm not going to write erotic fiction here. The point is that you should be honest with your partners and work together to get where you want to be. If a partner isn't interested in that or is threatened/emasculated by not getting you off... well, they're not a good match for you.
- Look at your masturbation habits. How often? If frequently, try cutting back before a "date night" to see if that effects your arousal and ability to climax. Do you watch porn/read erotic fiction/fantasize? If so, is there anything there that you aren't getting from a partner? Be honest with yourself and if there is something then pursue it. Get your partners to do the thing or seek out partner of that type. How do you masturbate? You might be training yourself to be harder to get off. Yes, that's a thing that can happen. You might be so used to a specific type of stimulus that you can't get there without it. This can be things like a specific toy to just gripping your hand very tightly. For these types of problems the best thing to do is take a break. Take a month off of porn/masturbation/whatever and see how you do. Do you get more aroused with a partner? Is it easier for you to reach climax?
posted by forbiddencabinet at 10:50 PM on December 10, 2019
Difficulty reaching climax is similar to (some kinds) of erectile problems in that it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You had a problem last time and so now you're thinking about it this time and that pressure of expectation is is making it even more difficult. It's a cruel loop and you'll get more in your own head each time you pressure yourself and then fail until maybe you eventually convince yourself that you just can't. You need to relax a little and stop putting pressure on yourself, which is much easier said than done.
I make these suggestions:
- Stop beating yourself up about this. It happens to many people of all different types. It isn't nice to have this problem, but it isn't unusual and it won't last forever. Usually with this kind of thing once you've gotten over that first bump with someone you'll be fine going forward, but the reason for that bump might make it a thing with each new partner as you learn each other's bodies and minds.
- Re-calibrate your expectations and goals for sex. Break it down, why are you having sex? The goal isn't just to orgasm, right? You can do that on your own. There's more to it than that so think about what you really enjoy. Maybe you really enjoy receiving oral sex, for example. Do you enjoy it just because of the orgasm at the end or is there more to it than that? The specific sensations and teasing. Perhaps a feeling of dominance. Maybe it's just really damn sexy to have someone look you in the eyes while performing oral. If that's all true does it really matter if you don't orgasm at the end? Enjoy the experience and it's okay to ask your partner to stop once you've had enough. The same goes for all of sex. Enjoy it for what it is, try not to worry about reaching a climax and focus on everything else. Getting your partner off. Enjoying individual sensations. Feeling sexy. Feeling in control. Losing control. So on and so forth.
- Consider that maybe how you're having sex might not be doing it for you. This might be especially true if you don't consistently have the same partner(s). It can take a while for someone to learn all the ways to make your engine roar. You may also not be reaching the level of arousal you need to orgasm, either because your partner doesn't know how to get you there or isn't spending enough time on foreplay (yes this is a thing for people with penises as well). It can also take some time to build intimacy and trust as well as learn your way around a partner, so you may find that the first few times with a new partner that you can't orgasm. That's okay too.
- Stop faking it. It's okay to not orgasm and finish without ever getting there. See re-calibrating above. You're not doing your partner any favours by making them think they've helped you orgasm, except for saving them an ego bruise. You can say, "that was great. I really enjoyed that thing you did, but my arousal has passed for now." There are also ways to navigate this more erotically should you want to by making this about self control or tease & denial. I.e. "That was really good, but you're going to have to do a lot better than that get me off! I'll let you try again sometime... if you're good." Or whatever. I'm not going to write erotic fiction here. The point is that you should be honest with your partners and work together to get where you want to be. If a partner isn't interested in that or is threatened/emasculated by not getting you off... well, they're not a good match for you.
- Look at your masturbation habits. How often? If frequently, try cutting back before a "date night" to see if that effects your arousal and ability to climax. Do you watch porn/read erotic fiction/fantasize? If so, is there anything there that you aren't getting from a partner? Be honest with yourself and if there is something then pursue it. Get your partners to do the thing or seek out partner of that type. How do you masturbate? You might be training yourself to be harder to get off. Yes, that's a thing that can happen. You might be so used to a specific type of stimulus that you can't get there without it. This can be things like a specific toy to just gripping your hand very tightly. For these types of problems the best thing to do is take a break. Take a month off of porn/masturbation/whatever and see how you do. Do you get more aroused with a partner? Is it easier for you to reach climax?
posted by forbiddencabinet at 10:50 PM on December 10, 2019
I chalked up my asexuality to anxiety for years, leading to a lot of disappointment and frustration. I had more than my fair share of traumatic sexual experiences that could be chalked up to my asexuality because not understanding my sexuality meant I would ignore my ambivalence until a panic attack. You learn a lot about someone’s character by how they manage a partner having a panic attack during sex.
Looking back, I can easily tell that I was not experiencing sexual attraction for a dude. Maybe I thought they were attractive. Mostly they seemed nice, and it seemed like the obvious path towards either a relationship, or just validation. I would move fast, because let’s just rip off the bandaid and see if I can tolerate the hardest part of a relationship.
I also grew up in a fairly sex-repressed culture, which gave me plausible deniability. I was oblivious to flirtation and sexual chemistry because they weren’t discussed. Cultural osmosis just skipped me, so I was mimicking my more sexually adventurous friends, since they were willing to talk openly about the shit I didn’t get.
I write this out mostly because you are so focused on the results. You try sex, and it seems to go awry. But it seems less clear why you are trying sex. If what I see resonates, maybe you’re One of Us. I don’t quite pick up those vibes, but trying exposure therapy on asexuals is corrective rape. So my bias is towards Not Fucking until you do a little soul searching. If you experience sexual attraction, you can experience it without sex. A stint of abstinence will not hurt an allo.
posted by politikitty at 11:45 PM on December 10, 2019
Looking back, I can easily tell that I was not experiencing sexual attraction for a dude. Maybe I thought they were attractive. Mostly they seemed nice, and it seemed like the obvious path towards either a relationship, or just validation. I would move fast, because let’s just rip off the bandaid and see if I can tolerate the hardest part of a relationship.
I also grew up in a fairly sex-repressed culture, which gave me plausible deniability. I was oblivious to flirtation and sexual chemistry because they weren’t discussed. Cultural osmosis just skipped me, so I was mimicking my more sexually adventurous friends, since they were willing to talk openly about the shit I didn’t get.
I write this out mostly because you are so focused on the results. You try sex, and it seems to go awry. But it seems less clear why you are trying sex. If what I see resonates, maybe you’re One of Us. I don’t quite pick up those vibes, but trying exposure therapy on asexuals is corrective rape. So my bias is towards Not Fucking until you do a little soul searching. If you experience sexual attraction, you can experience it without sex. A stint of abstinence will not hurt an allo.
posted by politikitty at 11:45 PM on December 10, 2019
Does this happen when you're in a relationship, or only with hook-ups? I can think of a bunch of things you could do with a trusted partner that would likely make this easier for you, and possibly carry over to other people as well.
posted by metasarah at 6:58 AM on December 11, 2019
posted by metasarah at 6:58 AM on December 11, 2019
We can't give meaningful analysis on the basis of only the ask, but give what you've said, there's likelihood that you're having a trauma response with regard to sex. I recommend findings a somatic experiencing practitioner to explore this.
posted by namesarehard at 8:38 AM on December 11, 2019
posted by namesarehard at 8:38 AM on December 11, 2019
Often, I had to fake my orgasms or admit defeat.
Oh, wow, this must feel pretty awful. I think part of the problem here is that many people, especially some men, link performance with success and self-esteem. Not having an orgasm is not the same as defeat unless orgasm is the only point of sex with a partner. I’ve had many sexual encounters where I did not orgasm and I had a great time.
What happens if you take orgasm off the table as a goal for sexual encounters? That’s what I’ve done in some situations, which allows me to relax and enjoy the experience without being focused on a specific goal. Of course you’d want to tell your partner this: “Hey, I’ve been unable to reach orgasm with partners sometimes, so can we presume I won’t come but still have fun?”
I also know, as a straight cis woman who sleeps mostly with straight cis men, that many men regard their partner’s orgasm as a performance for them. So maybe you’re worried that if you don’t come, your partner will also feel bad?
I can’t speak to men who have sex with men, but I do have one gay male friend who has shared that he never orgasms with sexual partners and he tells them in advance (he’s working through shame issues too).
Therapy would be great if you can afford it. Do you have any friends who you could talk to about this, either men or women?
posted by bluedaisy at 9:59 AM on December 11, 2019
Oh, wow, this must feel pretty awful. I think part of the problem here is that many people, especially some men, link performance with success and self-esteem. Not having an orgasm is not the same as defeat unless orgasm is the only point of sex with a partner. I’ve had many sexual encounters where I did not orgasm and I had a great time.
What happens if you take orgasm off the table as a goal for sexual encounters? That’s what I’ve done in some situations, which allows me to relax and enjoy the experience without being focused on a specific goal. Of course you’d want to tell your partner this: “Hey, I’ve been unable to reach orgasm with partners sometimes, so can we presume I won’t come but still have fun?”
I also know, as a straight cis woman who sleeps mostly with straight cis men, that many men regard their partner’s orgasm as a performance for them. So maybe you’re worried that if you don’t come, your partner will also feel bad?
I can’t speak to men who have sex with men, but I do have one gay male friend who has shared that he never orgasms with sexual partners and he tells them in advance (he’s working through shame issues too).
Therapy would be great if you can afford it. Do you have any friends who you could talk to about this, either men or women?
posted by bluedaisy at 9:59 AM on December 11, 2019
I am not a man, but I don't think you're asexual. It sounds like you want to be having the sexy times with these fellows. As someone who identifies as ace but had a very active sex life at one point because I thought I was "supposed to," there's a difference between being into it but not being able to orgasm, and not even wanting to be in that situation at all.
posted by cabingirl at 7:59 PM on December 11, 2019
posted by cabingirl at 7:59 PM on December 11, 2019
Response by poster: Thanks so much for the helpful responses!
Just as a quick point of clarification, no self-hate here. Yes, I used to have self-hate, but I've been working through it and learning how to love myself. It's just this specific area of myself that I realized I haven't really worked through.
How would you recommend I get to the "truthful" stage and share my honest feelings with a guy I'm with (possibly can't orgasm) without turning him off?
posted by dubious_dude at 9:15 PM on December 11, 2019
Just as a quick point of clarification, no self-hate here. Yes, I used to have self-hate, but I've been working through it and learning how to love myself. It's just this specific area of myself that I realized I haven't really worked through.
How would you recommend I get to the "truthful" stage and share my honest feelings with a guy I'm with (possibly can't orgasm) without turning him off?
posted by dubious_dude at 9:15 PM on December 11, 2019
How would you recommend I get to the "truthful" stage and share my honest feelings with a guy I'm with (possibly can't orgasm) without turning him off?
Are we talking about the first time with a new guy? In that exact situation, I have said, “Hey, so I probably won’t come, just so you know” or “Hey, I don’t usually come when I’m with a new partner.”
If you’re cool about it, he should be. And if he’s not — if he needs you to orgasm to have a good time — then better to know that up front, right? (Easier in theory than practice, I know.)
I really would try to frame this as you “probably won’t” orgasm rather than “can’t.” Language and how we talk about these things can shift how we feel about it. You might be able to relax more knowing that you don’t have this pressure on you.
I totally get why this is an issue for you emotionally; feel free to DM me if you’d like to chat about it more privately.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:32 PM on December 11, 2019 [3 favorites]
Are we talking about the first time with a new guy? In that exact situation, I have said, “Hey, so I probably won’t come, just so you know” or “Hey, I don’t usually come when I’m with a new partner.”
If you’re cool about it, he should be. And if he’s not — if he needs you to orgasm to have a good time — then better to know that up front, right? (Easier in theory than practice, I know.)
I really would try to frame this as you “probably won’t” orgasm rather than “can’t.” Language and how we talk about these things can shift how we feel about it. You might be able to relax more knowing that you don’t have this pressure on you.
I totally get why this is an issue for you emotionally; feel free to DM me if you’d like to chat about it more privately.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:32 PM on December 11, 2019 [3 favorites]
Just to provide a counter point - I am asexual and didn't realise for years because I put my lack of interest in sex down to trauma.
But also, not being able to orgasm isn't the same as lack of interest in sex.
posted by Laura_J at 8:44 AM on December 12, 2019 [2 favorites]
But also, not being able to orgasm isn't the same as lack of interest in sex.
posted by Laura_J at 8:44 AM on December 12, 2019 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Would you be comfortable talking about this with a counselor? They can certainly guide you right to this kind of practice.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 8:45 PM on December 10, 2019 [2 favorites]