New job, same awkwardness: Is it me?
November 26, 2019 3:46 PM Subscribe
I'm the only female in a male-dominated environment. A manager from another department was giving my male coworker a hard time about us working together. Now it's awkward. Snowflakes inside...
I started working for a company where I'm the only female on my team.
I received a call from a company that needed materials. My co-worker Fergus was by his desk so I talked to him about it and we walked together to the office.
Archibald came over and claimed that he just wanted to say "hi", but it felt weird for him to be there. He's manager of another department, so I don't know why he was there.
Archibald stared at Fergus, which made him uncomfortable.
Fergus said, "We're just getting the reports for X company."
A few weeks later, my boss had Fergus and I go pick up something. I heard Archibald tell Fergus, "I know. I saw the two of you leaving around 3:15 pm".
Archibald only seems involved when Fergus and I are together. The thing is, Fergus and I have to work together, so it'd be weird if we didn't talk. Archibald has never said anything to me about Fergus or anything, so maybe he's just looking out, like an "Office Dad" type?
I get nervous and tend to have a nervous laugh, plus Fergus is very funny, so maybe it seems like we're flirting? If I stopped talking to him completely, I couldn't get my work done because Fergus needs to sign off on it.
I don't know if Fergus feels uncomfortable now or if something else was discussed, but he's been acting differently. When I do see him, he seems awkward and starts talking about his girlfriend. He used to joke around more, but now he doesn't.
What really made me sad/mad/hurt/confused was the fact that Fergus hangs out with "Shelly", a young woman who works part time. Shelly has been at the company for a long time. She was hanging out with both Fergus and Archibald! Why is that okay? Why can he talk to her and not me?
It's awkward now because I'm upset and it's obvious. I don't hide my emotions well and Fergus is very good at reading people, so he knows and can tell.
I see other women my age talking with male colleagues and think, how do they do it? What's the secret?
Fergus and I have to work together- do I just deal with this awkwardness? Has this happened to anyone else? What did you do? Any advice is appreciated.
I started working for a company where I'm the only female on my team.
I received a call from a company that needed materials. My co-worker Fergus was by his desk so I talked to him about it and we walked together to the office.
Archibald came over and claimed that he just wanted to say "hi", but it felt weird for him to be there. He's manager of another department, so I don't know why he was there.
Archibald stared at Fergus, which made him uncomfortable.
Fergus said, "We're just getting the reports for X company."
A few weeks later, my boss had Fergus and I go pick up something. I heard Archibald tell Fergus, "I know. I saw the two of you leaving around 3:15 pm".
Archibald only seems involved when Fergus and I are together. The thing is, Fergus and I have to work together, so it'd be weird if we didn't talk. Archibald has never said anything to me about Fergus or anything, so maybe he's just looking out, like an "Office Dad" type?
I get nervous and tend to have a nervous laugh, plus Fergus is very funny, so maybe it seems like we're flirting? If I stopped talking to him completely, I couldn't get my work done because Fergus needs to sign off on it.
I don't know if Fergus feels uncomfortable now or if something else was discussed, but he's been acting differently. When I do see him, he seems awkward and starts talking about his girlfriend. He used to joke around more, but now he doesn't.
What really made me sad/mad/hurt/confused was the fact that Fergus hangs out with "Shelly", a young woman who works part time. Shelly has been at the company for a long time. She was hanging out with both Fergus and Archibald! Why is that okay? Why can he talk to her and not me?
It's awkward now because I'm upset and it's obvious. I don't hide my emotions well and Fergus is very good at reading people, so he knows and can tell.
I see other women my age talking with male colleagues and think, how do they do it? What's the secret?
Fergus and I have to work together- do I just deal with this awkwardness? Has this happened to anyone else? What did you do? Any advice is appreciated.
Response by poster: @bluedaisy It's obvious because Fergus and I usually talk and joke around. Now I'm quiet and slightly cold towards him. I just dont understand why he can talk to every other woman there *except* me.
posted by lawgirl at 4:17 PM on November 26, 2019
posted by lawgirl at 4:17 PM on November 26, 2019
Maybe Fergus was crushing on you, talked to Archibald about it, and Archibald is trying to hold Fergus accountable?
Or Fergus *thinks* you have a crush on him because you only laugh/joke around him and thinks you're flirting?
If Fergus was not *previously* talking about his girlfriend and now is, it sounds like he's trying to make it clear he's taken. Start acting normal, but ask about his girlfriend.
posted by DoubleLune at 4:47 PM on November 26, 2019 [4 favorites]
Or Fergus *thinks* you have a crush on him because you only laugh/joke around him and thinks you're flirting?
If Fergus was not *previously* talking about his girlfriend and now is, it sounds like he's trying to make it clear he's taken. Start acting normal, but ask about his girlfriend.
posted by DoubleLune at 4:47 PM on November 26, 2019 [4 favorites]
Don’t let other people dump their weirdness about men and women working together on you. The two of you have done nothing except do your jobs. Honestly it sounds like the manager saw you two together and thinks you have a thing for Fergus and has said as much which is now weirding Fergus out.
Just act completely normal, go back to laughing and joking and let Fergus mention his girlfriend. If there’s anyone you like on your radar or you’re dating, maybe drop it into conversation so he can be reassured you’re not crushing on him. Should you have to do all of this? No, it’s ridiculous but it’s also the fastest way to send a signal to each other that your relationship is strictly business all around, even if it’s a friendly one.
posted by Jubey at 5:05 PM on November 26, 2019 [9 favorites]
Just act completely normal, go back to laughing and joking and let Fergus mention his girlfriend. If there’s anyone you like on your radar or you’re dating, maybe drop it into conversation so he can be reassured you’re not crushing on him. Should you have to do all of this? No, it’s ridiculous but it’s also the fastest way to send a signal to each other that your relationship is strictly business all around, even if it’s a friendly one.
posted by Jubey at 5:05 PM on November 26, 2019 [9 favorites]
My theory is that Fergus had a thing for you, and Archibald spotted it and was trying to interfere so Ferguson couldn’t act on it. Maybe he said something to Fergus and that’s why he has suddenly started mentioning his girlfriend- he has to remind himself he has one when he’s with you.
Anyway, I don’t think you did anything wrong - just be friendly and kind to everyone as equally as you can, and rise above any weirdness.
posted by EatMyHat at 11:27 PM on November 26, 2019 [2 favorites]
Anyway, I don’t think you did anything wrong - just be friendly and kind to everyone as equally as you can, and rise above any weirdness.
posted by EatMyHat at 11:27 PM on November 26, 2019 [2 favorites]
We don’t have any control over other people’s behavior. And we’re also not mind readers. It’s impossible to know if any of the theories above are accurate. For whatever reason, things are awkward now. But that is not on you. Just try to be as professional as possible. Maybe ask this guy a couple of questions about his girlfriend, friendly questions that signal you hear and understand that he has a partner, and then drop it. Let other people be weird if they’re going to be weird. Seriously, it’s outside of your control so let it go if you possibly can. And if you can’t, Askamanager.com has excellent advice for workplace situations.
posted by Bella Donna at 12:08 AM on November 27, 2019
posted by Bella Donna at 12:08 AM on November 27, 2019
My theory is that Archibald has a thing for you and has issues, probably some kind of "attractive women never go out with ME because they're shallow" or "women like chads" or "I resent other people for having romantic success so I assume that every interaction between straight men and straight women is romantic and respond with spite". It is extraordinarily odd for a grown person to start a rumor that two co-workers are romantically involved based on nothing except the fact that they work together.
Archibald is the one who made this weird, not you or Fergus, and he did it because he has some weird personality issue. He made a big thing about perfectly normal human interactions and now Fergus feels weird because Archibald provided this weird framing.
Further, I want to say that among adults, the bar for "these people are sexually interested in each other" should be considerably higher than "they enjoy each other's company and joke a lot". I'd say it's even higher than "they have a very slightly flirty but professional and normal dynamic". Further to that, okay, let's be honest, sometimes people are casually attracted to each other at work. This does not in general mean that they are going to have an affair, are going to behave unprofessionally or are even seriously interested in each other. It is weird and unprofessional to observe this kind of thing and think "I am going to respond like these people are about to have sex on a desk" because it turns something from an extremely common, trivial dynamic into a Thing.
Ugh, seriously.
Anyway, you just need to soldier on through and be polite and friendly to Fergus. Asking him a casual question about his girlfriend when he's talking about her seems reasonable as long as he's talking about her in some detail rather than just mentioning her in passing. My bet is that this will pass off in a month or two and things will mostly revert to normal.
Watch out for Archibald, though - not in a paranoid way, but a grown adult who is all "ooooooohhh you must LIKE each other" about co-workers is not a reliable individual.
posted by Frowner at 4:06 AM on November 27, 2019 [3 favorites]
Archibald is the one who made this weird, not you or Fergus, and he did it because he has some weird personality issue. He made a big thing about perfectly normal human interactions and now Fergus feels weird because Archibald provided this weird framing.
Further, I want to say that among adults, the bar for "these people are sexually interested in each other" should be considerably higher than "they enjoy each other's company and joke a lot". I'd say it's even higher than "they have a very slightly flirty but professional and normal dynamic". Further to that, okay, let's be honest, sometimes people are casually attracted to each other at work. This does not in general mean that they are going to have an affair, are going to behave unprofessionally or are even seriously interested in each other. It is weird and unprofessional to observe this kind of thing and think "I am going to respond like these people are about to have sex on a desk" because it turns something from an extremely common, trivial dynamic into a Thing.
Ugh, seriously.
Anyway, you just need to soldier on through and be polite and friendly to Fergus. Asking him a casual question about his girlfriend when he's talking about her seems reasonable as long as he's talking about her in some detail rather than just mentioning her in passing. My bet is that this will pass off in a month or two and things will mostly revert to normal.
Watch out for Archibald, though - not in a paranoid way, but a grown adult who is all "ooooooohhh you must LIKE each other" about co-workers is not a reliable individual.
posted by Frowner at 4:06 AM on November 27, 2019 [3 favorites]
Archibald is the one who is awkward. Chances are this extends beyond you. Could you act as if he said something else you know isn’t true, like “the default color of the sky is banana yellow” Let him be wrong and have good boundaries about it. If there is insisting, ask about why someone would insist. Keep the focus away from you as it’s not about you. You could inquire if it’s a power play because why else would someone insist on something that’s untrue? Yes, keep an eye on Archibald
posted by childofTethys at 5:02 AM on November 27, 2019
posted by childofTethys at 5:02 AM on November 27, 2019
Response by poster: I just worry because Fergus does have a slightly dramatic side. He likes to start crap sometimes. Another coworker referred to Shelly as "the hot one" and I rolled my eyes because women shouldn't be treated as objects, but Fergus saw me roll my eyes. Now he's like, "Shelly and I..." whenever I'm around. He even said that he likes to annoy me.
He reminds me sometimes of my coworker from a previous job that I posted about.
I just don't know how to deal with these toxic/dramatic types....
posted by lawgirl at 7:22 AM on November 27, 2019
He reminds me sometimes of my coworker from a previous job that I posted about.
I just don't know how to deal with these toxic/dramatic types....
posted by lawgirl at 7:22 AM on November 27, 2019
On seeing this update, Fergus sounds like a dick. I rescind my comment about going back to laughing and joking with him. Someone who goes out of your way to rile you up is someone you should engage with only when necessary so just be reserved and professional around him and ignore him the rest of the time. Don’t let him get a rise out of you and once he realises he can’t get under your skin he’ll move on to an easier target.
posted by Jubey at 1:51 PM on November 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by Jubey at 1:51 PM on November 27, 2019 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I would try to cultivate a warm, professional, and slightly distant demeanor. Don't talk about personal things or joke around; keep the conversation on professional topics. I would do this with all of your coworkers, not just Fergus and not just men. This is a great way to try to keep things professional when you're a minority.
What do you mean when you say it's obvious you are upset? Were you crushing a bit on Fergus? Because it's not clear to me why this is such a big shift in your interactions at work.
But in any case, I don't think you necessarily did anything wrong, and I think you should presume this has to do with Archibald and Fergus for your own sanity.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:06 PM on November 26, 2019