Uncertain about relationship: help wanted to figure this out
November 26, 2019 12:53 AM Subscribe
I've been with my (gay) boyfriend for about 5 years now, but I'm having doubts about the relationship. I'm not exactly sure why, and I don't know what to do.
My boyfriend and I are both guys in our early 30s. It was kind of long distance thing for the last few years as I had to relocate for work early on in the relationship (about a year in). I've recently moved back and into my partner's place. Moving in has forced me think about the relationship and the long term more, as we're now discussing what to do next in terms of housing, where to live, and other couple-life-decision things.
In many ways we are a great match. We share a similar sense of humor, politics, we are both very career-oriented, find the same activities fun, find each other mutually attractive. We get along really well. We rarely fight, are loving, caring, and supportive. I have a deep respect for his values, morals, kindness, and intellect. In many ways, I feel he's one of the best human beings I've ever met.
However, for some reason I've always had some doubts about the relationship which I've been unable to fully address. Somehow I feel like we don't really connect on the level that I'd like to. I'm a kind of melancholic person at times (although I try to present a positive outward front to most people). My partner can't really relate to that melancholy. He's a very happy person. As far as I can tell, he's had a good life, great family, and nothing really traumatic has ever happened to him (I, only the other hand, had a slightly verbally abusive parent). He does not feel comfortable dealing with me being upset. I mean, he wants to be there for me, but he literally doesn't know what to say. For example, I'll sometimes get very down about a sick family member, a difficult person at work, or just life in general. While most of my friends seem to listen and try to offer advice, my partner will listen, but then just not know what to say. He'll be literally speechless. It's not that he doesn't care... I think it's more like he doesn't know how to deal with all the negativity I can come up with. So he will just kind of go quiet if we're on the phone or give me a hug if we're together. Sometimes I just want, probably need, someone to talk to about these issues. I wish my partner could be there for me in that way, but it appears to be outside the realm of his experience. Nowadays, if I get down, my partner tries to avoid talking about things that are too serious or to kind of lighten the mood and not focus on it.
I guess my other concern is a bit less concrete. When I got into this whole dating thing, what I really wanted was someone to connect with on a deeper level. As corny as it sounds, I'd like someone to hold hands with and look at the stars or the sunset and have these kinds of quiet yet sublime moments. My partner isn't really into this. He's a very playful person, likes to cuddle, and to have lighthearted fun in general, not so much serious reflective moments. I have gotten him to go watch the sunset with me a couple of times, but he won't be in the moment and he kind of makes jokes or is a bit distracted the whole time. So that's a bit unsatisfying and perhaps has led to an unmet longing for something more.
I'm not exactly a spiritual person, but I would like to explore that side of myself a bit, or at least reflect on "deep and meaningful" emotional and philosophical things. My partner and I can easily talk about the politics of the day, but when it comes to deeply personal or philosophical conversations about the meaning of life, God, what it means to be human, etc., I sense he's not really comfortable. I guess I have a kind of spiritual thirst for meaning, which maybe he's already sorted out and doesn't want to talk about too much. We're both agnostic, but he's probably happier or more settled in that than me.
The result of all this is that deep down, I feel a bit lonely, even though I'm in this relationship. I just wish someone could really understand me and relate to me about my problems and feelings about life.
Despite this, my partner loves me very much, and I love him too. But I feel quite guilty because I don't feel I'm fully reciprocating his love. I've never really felt the whole butterflies in the stomach phenomena/romantic infatuation (whereas he definitely does). I think part of the reason for that is that I've always been too worried about whether this is the right relationship to let myself really fall into it and appreciated it. I think part of this is perhaps a symptom of broader neurotic tendencies; I tend to worry a lot about little things, and can be very indecisive with decisions, particularly big ones. This relationship has just activated that part of me and put it into overdrive. Sometimes I have a distinct feeling that this relationship is not right for, that I shouldn't be in it. But, when I think about it more, I realize how lucky I really am to have someone like him. Besides the whole intangible emotional mismatches, if I had to pick someone for me, he's exactly my type. So I'm kind of trapped in this clash between the feelings of uncertainty, the feelings of affection for my partner, and the right side of my brain which tells me to not ruin a good thing.
On top of that, I feel like I also have some commitment issues. As much as I have the standard human need for companionship, at the same time I kind of want to live an independent life and be married to my work, being a bit of a workaholic. I'm definitely an introvert, and I prefer being alone (although ironically a lot of people think I'm an extrovert). I kind of want to be with someone, but wouldn't mind if it wasn't as intimate as living together. This whole living together, getting married, buying a house, possibly having animals or children, is intimidating and feels constraining, although I do go along with it (the living together part anyway) to make him happy. I guess the main thing is I have those doubts about compatibility, which maybe affects feelings about those other things.
I have tried to kind of tell my partner these things, but it has always failed for various reasons. Anytime the conversation about "us" has gotten particularly heavy, he kind of shuts down, tries to move things on and change the subject. I think we're both conflict avoidant, which doesn't help. At one point a couple years ago, the stress of being in this relationship but having this uncertainty (and guilt about having the uncertainty) made me think I should break it off. I tried to tell my partner this, he went really silent, and I left. Afterwards, I felt a very deep emptiness and sadness. I kind of suggested that we see each other again, at least so we could sort out our differences. I wanted to have a deeper conversation about these things at this point. However, he kind of very quickly went back to being happy, almost overnight, and I guess I just kept putting off this conversation until it didn't really happen. I've tried subsequent times to kind of have the conversation about us. Especially in the earlier stages of our relationship, I would quietly suggest I was worried about us, but he didn't really acknowledge it (and I didn't have to strength to keep persisting along those lines).
Every time I've thought about being more forceful and direct about it or trying to break it off again, I felt the same sense of sadness and sense of desolation I got last time. If I were to break up, it would hurt me a lot, probably just as much as it would hurt him. Truth be told, I just want my insecurities and doubts to go away and for us to be happy. I would love to kind of learn to love my partner properly. However, love does not appear to be my strong suit (I'm not sure I've ever felt in Hollywood-style love with anyone :(. This is my first kind of real relationship (although not the first person I've dated). I'm starting to think maybe I'm just lacking that gene required for falling in romantic love, while also having OCD tendencies and being overly analytical.
I know that probably the answer is to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk, but I don't know what to say. I feel like my issues with him relate to fundamental aspects of his personality. So I feel like if I force the issue, it's just going back to that point of breaking up. But, I don't really want to go there because my partner is a great person whom I adore and someone I don't want to lose. At the moment, we're at a kind of peaceful and relatively happy point. I'm pretty happy with it 80% of the time, until I remember that I have those doubts, and then I have a kind of mini-breakdown because of the guilt and also a feeling of ineptitude for not resolving these feelings sooner.
I did try to see a psychologist at one point about this, but it didn't really help. She basically just said I can't tell you what to do and maybe wait it out and see what happens. I've talked to several of my friends about it in depth, but they just can't really understand where I'm coming from. "Your partner is a great guy, so what's the problem?" So, I feel somewhat alone in dealing with this; hence, the Internet.
Me and my partner have a lot of good times together, good conversations, moments of tenderness and affection. I do love him on some level and I doubt I could find anyone better. But sometimes I wonder if I'm in the right relationship, if one even does exist. At the same time, I doubt those feelings, and am determined to not screw this up unless I have to. Ultimately, I just want to do the right thing by him and, of course, me. Help me figure out what that right thing is.
My boyfriend and I are both guys in our early 30s. It was kind of long distance thing for the last few years as I had to relocate for work early on in the relationship (about a year in). I've recently moved back and into my partner's place. Moving in has forced me think about the relationship and the long term more, as we're now discussing what to do next in terms of housing, where to live, and other couple-life-decision things.
In many ways we are a great match. We share a similar sense of humor, politics, we are both very career-oriented, find the same activities fun, find each other mutually attractive. We get along really well. We rarely fight, are loving, caring, and supportive. I have a deep respect for his values, morals, kindness, and intellect. In many ways, I feel he's one of the best human beings I've ever met.
However, for some reason I've always had some doubts about the relationship which I've been unable to fully address. Somehow I feel like we don't really connect on the level that I'd like to. I'm a kind of melancholic person at times (although I try to present a positive outward front to most people). My partner can't really relate to that melancholy. He's a very happy person. As far as I can tell, he's had a good life, great family, and nothing really traumatic has ever happened to him (I, only the other hand, had a slightly verbally abusive parent). He does not feel comfortable dealing with me being upset. I mean, he wants to be there for me, but he literally doesn't know what to say. For example, I'll sometimes get very down about a sick family member, a difficult person at work, or just life in general. While most of my friends seem to listen and try to offer advice, my partner will listen, but then just not know what to say. He'll be literally speechless. It's not that he doesn't care... I think it's more like he doesn't know how to deal with all the negativity I can come up with. So he will just kind of go quiet if we're on the phone or give me a hug if we're together. Sometimes I just want, probably need, someone to talk to about these issues. I wish my partner could be there for me in that way, but it appears to be outside the realm of his experience. Nowadays, if I get down, my partner tries to avoid talking about things that are too serious or to kind of lighten the mood and not focus on it.
I guess my other concern is a bit less concrete. When I got into this whole dating thing, what I really wanted was someone to connect with on a deeper level. As corny as it sounds, I'd like someone to hold hands with and look at the stars or the sunset and have these kinds of quiet yet sublime moments. My partner isn't really into this. He's a very playful person, likes to cuddle, and to have lighthearted fun in general, not so much serious reflective moments. I have gotten him to go watch the sunset with me a couple of times, but he won't be in the moment and he kind of makes jokes or is a bit distracted the whole time. So that's a bit unsatisfying and perhaps has led to an unmet longing for something more.
I'm not exactly a spiritual person, but I would like to explore that side of myself a bit, or at least reflect on "deep and meaningful" emotional and philosophical things. My partner and I can easily talk about the politics of the day, but when it comes to deeply personal or philosophical conversations about the meaning of life, God, what it means to be human, etc., I sense he's not really comfortable. I guess I have a kind of spiritual thirst for meaning, which maybe he's already sorted out and doesn't want to talk about too much. We're both agnostic, but he's probably happier or more settled in that than me.
The result of all this is that deep down, I feel a bit lonely, even though I'm in this relationship. I just wish someone could really understand me and relate to me about my problems and feelings about life.
Despite this, my partner loves me very much, and I love him too. But I feel quite guilty because I don't feel I'm fully reciprocating his love. I've never really felt the whole butterflies in the stomach phenomena/romantic infatuation (whereas he definitely does). I think part of the reason for that is that I've always been too worried about whether this is the right relationship to let myself really fall into it and appreciated it. I think part of this is perhaps a symptom of broader neurotic tendencies; I tend to worry a lot about little things, and can be very indecisive with decisions, particularly big ones. This relationship has just activated that part of me and put it into overdrive. Sometimes I have a distinct feeling that this relationship is not right for, that I shouldn't be in it. But, when I think about it more, I realize how lucky I really am to have someone like him. Besides the whole intangible emotional mismatches, if I had to pick someone for me, he's exactly my type. So I'm kind of trapped in this clash between the feelings of uncertainty, the feelings of affection for my partner, and the right side of my brain which tells me to not ruin a good thing.
On top of that, I feel like I also have some commitment issues. As much as I have the standard human need for companionship, at the same time I kind of want to live an independent life and be married to my work, being a bit of a workaholic. I'm definitely an introvert, and I prefer being alone (although ironically a lot of people think I'm an extrovert). I kind of want to be with someone, but wouldn't mind if it wasn't as intimate as living together. This whole living together, getting married, buying a house, possibly having animals or children, is intimidating and feels constraining, although I do go along with it (the living together part anyway) to make him happy. I guess the main thing is I have those doubts about compatibility, which maybe affects feelings about those other things.
I have tried to kind of tell my partner these things, but it has always failed for various reasons. Anytime the conversation about "us" has gotten particularly heavy, he kind of shuts down, tries to move things on and change the subject. I think we're both conflict avoidant, which doesn't help. At one point a couple years ago, the stress of being in this relationship but having this uncertainty (and guilt about having the uncertainty) made me think I should break it off. I tried to tell my partner this, he went really silent, and I left. Afterwards, I felt a very deep emptiness and sadness. I kind of suggested that we see each other again, at least so we could sort out our differences. I wanted to have a deeper conversation about these things at this point. However, he kind of very quickly went back to being happy, almost overnight, and I guess I just kept putting off this conversation until it didn't really happen. I've tried subsequent times to kind of have the conversation about us. Especially in the earlier stages of our relationship, I would quietly suggest I was worried about us, but he didn't really acknowledge it (and I didn't have to strength to keep persisting along those lines).
Every time I've thought about being more forceful and direct about it or trying to break it off again, I felt the same sense of sadness and sense of desolation I got last time. If I were to break up, it would hurt me a lot, probably just as much as it would hurt him. Truth be told, I just want my insecurities and doubts to go away and for us to be happy. I would love to kind of learn to love my partner properly. However, love does not appear to be my strong suit (I'm not sure I've ever felt in Hollywood-style love with anyone :(. This is my first kind of real relationship (although not the first person I've dated). I'm starting to think maybe I'm just lacking that gene required for falling in romantic love, while also having OCD tendencies and being overly analytical.
I know that probably the answer is to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk, but I don't know what to say. I feel like my issues with him relate to fundamental aspects of his personality. So I feel like if I force the issue, it's just going back to that point of breaking up. But, I don't really want to go there because my partner is a great person whom I adore and someone I don't want to lose. At the moment, we're at a kind of peaceful and relatively happy point. I'm pretty happy with it 80% of the time, until I remember that I have those doubts, and then I have a kind of mini-breakdown because of the guilt and also a feeling of ineptitude for not resolving these feelings sooner.
I did try to see a psychologist at one point about this, but it didn't really help. She basically just said I can't tell you what to do and maybe wait it out and see what happens. I've talked to several of my friends about it in depth, but they just can't really understand where I'm coming from. "Your partner is a great guy, so what's the problem?" So, I feel somewhat alone in dealing with this; hence, the Internet.
Me and my partner have a lot of good times together, good conversations, moments of tenderness and affection. I do love him on some level and I doubt I could find anyone better. But sometimes I wonder if I'm in the right relationship, if one even does exist. At the same time, I doubt those feelings, and am determined to not screw this up unless I have to. Ultimately, I just want to do the right thing by him and, of course, me. Help me figure out what that right thing is.
If I were asked to summarize what you have written it would say "I feel things aren’t working in many ways, but I think them into being okay." I’m not sure how well a relationship based on rationalization is going to serve you.
Either way you have some very ambitious goals for a relationship, and while I don’t think you need to compromise as much as you’re doing I would still like to share this:
"But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:33 AM on November 26, 2019 [35 favorites]
Either way you have some very ambitious goals for a relationship, and while I don’t think you need to compromise as much as you’re doing I would still like to share this:
"But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:33 AM on November 26, 2019 [35 favorites]
I have no idea if you should break up, but I do think expecting a long term partner to meet all your needs is unrealistic as well as unfair. I think you need a best friend. I would try harder to get more needs met from a wider variety of people. I also think that achieving that will give you much needed perspective and insight into what you really want in your romantic partnership.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:26 AM on November 26, 2019 [55 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 3:26 AM on November 26, 2019 [55 favorites]
Introverts (and I am one) often get a pass on making hard decisions in a relationship because they think the more extroverted partner has a better sense of what's appropriate in a relationship, which for all it's intimacy is a socially facing entity. The extrovert is able to navigate the outside so the introvert lets them decide the inside too, including when the relationship begins and ends
Now, as an introvert, I tried to end a relationship several times and gave up because my more social partner had more compelling reasons to stay together. Finally he ended it when he was ready, and I was (briefly) devastated but only because I lost my best friend. I didn't see a future with him, and was not romantically interested in him and had not been for years. The end result was a good one but I was cruel periodically in my attempts to break up (which were also an attempt to feel something in the relationship, a little drama) and missed out on dating a bunch of hot guys who were interested in me, but I was too committed to my dead relationship.
Ultimately, your partner is going to be fine when you break up. You're going to be fine too and wondering why you wasted years on a relationship you weren't that into.
Its not so kind of you to keep trying to break up and then getting back together. It hurts the other person and is just a bandaid till you feel you need to leave again.
Long story short, you don't need this relationship. You are attached to it, but are waiting for your partner to end it. And thats not very nice or respectful to your partner, someone who is your best friend and has brought a lot to your life.
posted by perdhapley at 4:38 AM on November 26, 2019 [3 favorites]
Now, as an introvert, I tried to end a relationship several times and gave up because my more social partner had more compelling reasons to stay together. Finally he ended it when he was ready, and I was (briefly) devastated but only because I lost my best friend. I didn't see a future with him, and was not romantically interested in him and had not been for years. The end result was a good one but I was cruel periodically in my attempts to break up (which were also an attempt to feel something in the relationship, a little drama) and missed out on dating a bunch of hot guys who were interested in me, but I was too committed to my dead relationship.
Ultimately, your partner is going to be fine when you break up. You're going to be fine too and wondering why you wasted years on a relationship you weren't that into.
Its not so kind of you to keep trying to break up and then getting back together. It hurts the other person and is just a bandaid till you feel you need to leave again.
Long story short, you don't need this relationship. You are attached to it, but are waiting for your partner to end it. And thats not very nice or respectful to your partner, someone who is your best friend and has brought a lot to your life.
posted by perdhapley at 4:38 AM on November 26, 2019 [3 favorites]
I do think expecting a long term partner to meet all your needs is unrealistic as well as unfair.
This is quite true. But if you need to be able to have serious talks and quiet contemplative moments with a partner, that is also totally reasonable. Different people have different styles, but both of your specifics seem like signs of immaturity or an inability to deal with emotion.
posted by aspersioncast at 5:38 AM on November 26, 2019 [5 favorites]
This is quite true. But if you need to be able to have serious talks and quiet contemplative moments with a partner, that is also totally reasonable. Different people have different styles, but both of your specifics seem like signs of immaturity or an inability to deal with emotion.
posted by aspersioncast at 5:38 AM on November 26, 2019 [5 favorites]
I don't have an answer to you, but please know I empathize a lot with what you're feeling. I'm also struggling with this on some level; you're not alone.
posted by zima_lengneui at 6:48 AM on November 26, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by zima_lengneui at 6:48 AM on November 26, 2019 [2 favorites]
A lot of people won't talk about certain things because these subjects are too important to them to want to sand off the delicate edges by too much casual handling and display, not because they don't feel or understand them.
other people will specifically refrain from offering advice (as you say you generally want) on difficult and personal life circumstances, not because they have no thoughts, but because so many people fly into a virtuous rage at anyone who dares do anything but listen silently.
so while I certainly think you should break up with him because of this nameless incompatibility you feel, I do not think your attempts to name and assess the problem are necessarily accurate at all. obviously you know him very well and I don't know him at all, but he is deeper than you can fathom no matter what he's like. I know this because you have described a considerate human being. don't mistake your desire for a deeper connection (which you are entitled to try and find) with a desire for a deeper boyfriend. you won't get one.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:49 AM on November 26, 2019 [4 favorites]
other people will specifically refrain from offering advice (as you say you generally want) on difficult and personal life circumstances, not because they have no thoughts, but because so many people fly into a virtuous rage at anyone who dares do anything but listen silently.
so while I certainly think you should break up with him because of this nameless incompatibility you feel, I do not think your attempts to name and assess the problem are necessarily accurate at all. obviously you know him very well and I don't know him at all, but he is deeper than you can fathom no matter what he's like. I know this because you have described a considerate human being. don't mistake your desire for a deeper connection (which you are entitled to try and find) with a desire for a deeper boyfriend. you won't get one.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:49 AM on November 26, 2019 [4 favorites]
1) It is not fair to expect one person to fulfill every single one of your needs
2) Good relationships are very hard to find
3) You sound like a great candidate for couples' therapy
4) I did fall in Hollywood-style love with someone, exactly once, and it fucked me up for years, it is exceedingly rare and often the resulting relationship doesn't last anyway
posted by Automocar at 6:56 AM on November 26, 2019 [12 favorites]
2) Good relationships are very hard to find
3) You sound like a great candidate for couples' therapy
4) I did fall in Hollywood-style love with someone, exactly once, and it fucked me up for years, it is exceedingly rare and often the resulting relationship doesn't last anyway
posted by Automocar at 6:56 AM on November 26, 2019 [12 favorites]
I’m going to go against the “break up” chorus here because it seems like you just have trouble talking about some of these deeper things with him. This would be a great opportunity to suggest couples counseling; that is one of the things that that could be for. I don’t think that you need to break up, I think you are just stuck. The fact that you are both in your early 30s makes sense. I think it’s a life shift that means you are looking at longer-term things that you haven’t looked at before, and maybe you’re not on a similar schedule. It’s possible that you could have a great future ahead of you together, sometimes you just need a tuneup.
posted by matildaben at 7:24 AM on November 26, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by matildaben at 7:24 AM on November 26, 2019 [6 favorites]
I've just scanned this, and saw one therapy reference, but it seems that you two have worked on the relationship mostly by relying on yourselves.
So I suggest you look into an Imago workshop or class. It's basically reflective listening on steroids, and it did wonders for my already good (as yours is already good) relationship.
I'd guess that if it appeals to you, your partner will be the "draggee", as my partner was. That's ok. My partner is often more on point, now, in bringing in an Imago process when we argue.
One unusual thing about the Imago approach is that it acknowledges a natural tendency for person X to find a partner with lots of non-X tendencies. E.g. our workshop was led by Mr. and Mrs. A. Mr. A owned up to a lifelong fear of abandonment; Mrs. A was a military brat, with a "Ph.D. in leaving". Imago is in part about celebrating and working with that complementarity.
There are Imago workshops for same sex couples.
(P.S. And Imago is actually great even if the two of you are destined not to be together. Any future path will be easier and smoother, the better you two are at hearing one another.)
posted by alittleknowledge at 7:47 AM on November 26, 2019
So I suggest you look into an Imago workshop or class. It's basically reflective listening on steroids, and it did wonders for my already good (as yours is already good) relationship.
I'd guess that if it appeals to you, your partner will be the "draggee", as my partner was. That's ok. My partner is often more on point, now, in bringing in an Imago process when we argue.
One unusual thing about the Imago approach is that it acknowledges a natural tendency for person X to find a partner with lots of non-X tendencies. E.g. our workshop was led by Mr. and Mrs. A. Mr. A owned up to a lifelong fear of abandonment; Mrs. A was a military brat, with a "Ph.D. in leaving". Imago is in part about celebrating and working with that complementarity.
There are Imago workshops for same sex couples.
(P.S. And Imago is actually great even if the two of you are destined not to be together. Any future path will be easier and smoother, the better you two are at hearing one another.)
posted by alittleknowledge at 7:47 AM on November 26, 2019
I second what Automacar said about the "Hollywood-style" love—I've had it a couple times and yep, it fucked me right up. For reasons I'm still untangling, the people with whom I have a "knock-your-socks-off" connection—that feels like venturing together into the big, unknown universe—are also the people who are decidedly not life partner material. Or the brain chemicals dissipate after ~18 months and then you have to face the truth of what's left.
Maybe you can reframe to let your wonderful-sounding partner be your rock and tether and then venture out in to the universe by yourself. You can find a quite alluring explosion of brain chemicals in art, nature (I've actually grown to prefer watching sunsets alone!), deep talks with a friend, psychedelics if you're so inclined, etc.
The caveat: if all of that that sounds like a consolation prize, and you sense your life won't be fully lived unless you get to feel the Big Love with another person—and you're sure that you won't find that with your current partner—then... well...
posted by gold bridges at 8:36 AM on November 26, 2019 [4 favorites]
Maybe you can reframe to let your wonderful-sounding partner be your rock and tether and then venture out in to the universe by yourself. You can find a quite alluring explosion of brain chemicals in art, nature (I've actually grown to prefer watching sunsets alone!), deep talks with a friend, psychedelics if you're so inclined, etc.
The caveat: if all of that that sounds like a consolation prize, and you sense your life won't be fully lived unless you get to feel the Big Love with another person—and you're sure that you won't find that with your current partner—then... well...
posted by gold bridges at 8:36 AM on November 26, 2019 [4 favorites]
I would gently suggest that rather than presuming that there is some sort of huge gulf between your lived experiences that enables him to be "happy" all of the time, perhaps he just processes his emotions differently than you do.
Good lord, my man, despite not being a talk-through-the-what-ifs type, he's demonstrating empathy and trying to provide you with nonverbal gestures of reassurance. Nthing that it is unfair to expect your partner to fulfill every single type of human interaction that you want and need.
posted by desuetude at 11:50 AM on November 26, 2019 [1 favorite]
Good lord, my man, despite not being a talk-through-the-what-ifs type, he's demonstrating empathy and trying to provide you with nonverbal gestures of reassurance. Nthing that it is unfair to expect your partner to fulfill every single type of human interaction that you want and need.
posted by desuetude at 11:50 AM on November 26, 2019 [1 favorite]
Given the way you've described it, I think this relationship deserves a good-faith attempt at couples counseling. A good therapist should help you articulate what you're missing in a way he can hear it, and help the two of you work out ways that he can try to meet your needs that is satisfactory to you both. Now, if he refuses to try it, that's a different story--you shouldn't be feeling lonely all the time while partnered. But the problems you've described seem to me to be more communication-related than anything else.
(I don't think it's wrong to want to be able to have Deep Talks with your partner in particular.)
posted by praemunire at 11:59 AM on November 26, 2019
(I don't think it's wrong to want to be able to have Deep Talks with your partner in particular.)
posted by praemunire at 11:59 AM on November 26, 2019
A few things: first, you can break up for any reason. But I hear you, in that you don't want to give up on a great thing. Living in that state of ambivalence is exhausting, though, and it's not healthy for you or your partner. If you he wants a more serious commitment and kids, then you owe it to both of you to figure out if you want that with him, too. So here are my suggestions not on what to do, but on how to decide.
Again, I do think you want to make sure you make a firm decision either way. If you continue along as you are, you're together, but you've never really committed... but if you break up, make sure it's done thoughtfully. To that end:
Go to individual therapy and/or couples counseling. Discuss your unmet intimacy needs. There's ground for you both to work towards each other.
Read the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. This book has been tremendously helpful for me in resolving my ambivalence in a few different relationships.
Read the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and see if it resonates. Some of what you are saying -- that you want intimacy but fear some of the trappings of a committed relationship -- sound like you might have an avoidant attachment style. The book talks a lot about what this means and gives suggestions on how you can meet a partner's needs without feeling like you are giving up yourself.
Good luck. It's incredibly healthy to be thinking through these things.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:04 PM on November 26, 2019 [1 favorite]
Again, I do think you want to make sure you make a firm decision either way. If you continue along as you are, you're together, but you've never really committed... but if you break up, make sure it's done thoughtfully. To that end:
Go to individual therapy and/or couples counseling. Discuss your unmet intimacy needs. There's ground for you both to work towards each other.
Read the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. This book has been tremendously helpful for me in resolving my ambivalence in a few different relationships.
Read the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and see if it resonates. Some of what you are saying -- that you want intimacy but fear some of the trappings of a committed relationship -- sound like you might have an avoidant attachment style. The book talks a lot about what this means and gives suggestions on how you can meet a partner's needs without feeling like you are giving up yourself.
Good luck. It's incredibly healthy to be thinking through these things.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:04 PM on November 26, 2019 [1 favorite]
Hi! I am also a queer man in his early 30s in a long-term relationship. I agree with others who have suggested that expecting your partner to meet each and every one of your needs is unreasonable. You can be in a great relationship and still be fundamentally different people, and that's totally okay!
Re. your melancholia--I realize you tried meeting with a therapist and it was unhelpful, but every therapist is different and it pays to shop around. It's not unusual that your BF wouldn't know what to say about your melancholy feelings--that's (one thing that) therapy is for!
Re. your search for the quietly sublime--That's setting the bar a little high, isn't it? Other people in this thread have said that great relationships aren't that rare. Judging by my own experience and the experience of my friends, especially in the queer community--that's totally not true! They are pretty rare! Personally, I would find "doesn't properly appreciate the majesty of a beautiful sunset" not to be a dealbreaker, but I guess your mileage may vary. If you were my friend IRL I would advise you to definitely not break up for this reason.
Re. spirituality--I am an agnostic and my partner is a dyed in the wool atheist. I go to a Unitarian Universalist church. He mostly does not unless it's a special occasion (such as Christmas.) This is totally okay! It's healthy for people in couples to have parts of their life that are just for them. This is 100% workable. Even if you're not up for joining a church, you can have more spiritual friends who are up for Deep Conversations.
posted by zeusianfog at 1:08 PM on November 26, 2019 [7 favorites]
Re. your melancholia--I realize you tried meeting with a therapist and it was unhelpful, but every therapist is different and it pays to shop around. It's not unusual that your BF wouldn't know what to say about your melancholy feelings--that's (one thing that) therapy is for!
Re. your search for the quietly sublime--That's setting the bar a little high, isn't it? Other people in this thread have said that great relationships aren't that rare. Judging by my own experience and the experience of my friends, especially in the queer community--that's totally not true! They are pretty rare! Personally, I would find "doesn't properly appreciate the majesty of a beautiful sunset" not to be a dealbreaker, but I guess your mileage may vary. If you were my friend IRL I would advise you to definitely not break up for this reason.
Re. spirituality--I am an agnostic and my partner is a dyed in the wool atheist. I go to a Unitarian Universalist church. He mostly does not unless it's a special occasion (such as Christmas.) This is totally okay! It's healthy for people in couples to have parts of their life that are just for them. This is 100% workable. Even if you're not up for joining a church, you can have more spiritual friends who are up for Deep Conversations.
posted by zeusianfog at 1:08 PM on November 26, 2019 [7 favorites]
Hey, I agree with a lot of the above, relationships take work, and one person shouldn't be your everything - it's healthy to have friendships and sometimes family to take up some of the support slots in your life.
But your relationship sounds like the one I was in before my current one. We were together for years, and great friends, but I was SO lonely, and your words are exactly how I felt - yearning for some kind of magic, some kind of deeper connection. I used to think about myself on my deathbed (omg I was in my twenties ok) looking back at my life spent with that person and the sense of sadness and dissatisfaction. They were GREAT and I'm still great friends with them, but we were not great together.
Here to tell you, that magic exists. When I met my now-spouse, I felt like I was in a romance movie, and that feeling has never ended, not when we get snippy with each other, not after years together and having a kid who nevvveerrrr sleeps, not ever - I still look at them and want to dance around the kitchen with them, to go on a night walk and look at the stars and sigh, to lay next to each other and breathe the same warm air.
If you want that magic, go and look for it. Keep this lovely man as a friend (probably not straight away, but you can manage it if you break up respectfully and peacefully). Go and look for your sparkly person who makes you feel breathless.
I mean, do some therapy, to make sure you're not mistaking sparkles for drama, which feels fun and passionate in the moment but is awful and destructive. But if you want magic, go and find it friend.
posted by greenish at 1:57 AM on December 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
But your relationship sounds like the one I was in before my current one. We were together for years, and great friends, but I was SO lonely, and your words are exactly how I felt - yearning for some kind of magic, some kind of deeper connection. I used to think about myself on my deathbed (omg I was in my twenties ok) looking back at my life spent with that person and the sense of sadness and dissatisfaction. They were GREAT and I'm still great friends with them, but we were not great together.
Here to tell you, that magic exists. When I met my now-spouse, I felt like I was in a romance movie, and that feeling has never ended, not when we get snippy with each other, not after years together and having a kid who nevvveerrrr sleeps, not ever - I still look at them and want to dance around the kitchen with them, to go on a night walk and look at the stars and sigh, to lay next to each other and breathe the same warm air.
If you want that magic, go and look for it. Keep this lovely man as a friend (probably not straight away, but you can manage it if you break up respectfully and peacefully). Go and look for your sparkly person who makes you feel breathless.
I mean, do some therapy, to make sure you're not mistaking sparkles for drama, which feels fun and passionate in the moment but is awful and destructive. But if you want magic, go and find it friend.
posted by greenish at 1:57 AM on December 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
This podcast about the Enneagram types is cool. You sound like you're the one who's always baseline a little sad and yearning (I forget the number, it's in there).
Maybe being kinda bummed out and wanting some vague *more* that you can't really articulate and also feel kind of passive about trying to articulate... isn't due to an issue in this relationship or with this person, maybe it's just a part who YOU are, and who you would be in any situation. If you believed that to be true, would that change how content you feel in this situation?
posted by nouvelle-personne at 10:07 PM on December 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
Maybe being kinda bummed out and wanting some vague *more* that you can't really articulate and also feel kind of passive about trying to articulate... isn't due to an issue in this relationship or with this person, maybe it's just a part who YOU are, and who you would be in any situation. If you believed that to be true, would that change how content you feel in this situation?
posted by nouvelle-personne at 10:07 PM on December 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Great relationships are great, but they're also not *that* rare. You will find another Person. And I'll wager that your new Person will fit your current life circumstances better than the last one did. You got this.
posted by flod at 1:43 AM on November 26, 2019 [1 favorite]