Threesome Etiquette
November 24, 2019 11:00 PM Subscribe
A couple of months ago I, (f48) was approached by the female member of a couple (f33, M32) and asked if I would participate in a three way escapade. They are familiar to me for the pool tournament scene and I've been friends with them in social circles but never more than that. (It gets better...)
Ok so in the next couple of weeks it went as planned and very well if I do say so myself. They hinted at maybe having somewhat of a closer friendship develop just to have the bond form deeper which I was all for. Ok fast forward to about a week ago it was her birthday so she called and initiated a visit. I also had his number because in the past if her phone didnt have service I would text with her on his phone. Ok so while they are preparing to arrive he texts me on his on and asked me if he could ask me a private question which I guessed was some special scene or clothing option for her birthday. He proceeds to hint at how hes so attracted and curious about the racial mix of him and I that he wants to meet me when she isnt around sometime. I am not flattered by this because in our conversations the three of us together her and I both vocally admonish the couple who has the man with ulterior motives when threesomes involve the girls friend. I am equally as acquainted with both of them chronologically but in loyalty and principal i stick by the female so there is never an accusation of me being a homewrecker which is not my thing. So as that happened and they were already on their way i continued with the night but now i feel i should break the news to her that he is coming on to me which potentially could break them up. On the other hand I'm going to lose her friendship if I dont say something and she finds out on her own by seeing the potentially undeleted message in his phone. I dont think if I told her and she broke up with him that shed want to stay friends with me anyway. Should I say something anyway?
Ok so in the next couple of weeks it went as planned and very well if I do say so myself. They hinted at maybe having somewhat of a closer friendship develop just to have the bond form deeper which I was all for. Ok fast forward to about a week ago it was her birthday so she called and initiated a visit. I also had his number because in the past if her phone didnt have service I would text with her on his phone. Ok so while they are preparing to arrive he texts me on his on and asked me if he could ask me a private question which I guessed was some special scene or clothing option for her birthday. He proceeds to hint at how hes so attracted and curious about the racial mix of him and I that he wants to meet me when she isnt around sometime. I am not flattered by this because in our conversations the three of us together her and I both vocally admonish the couple who has the man with ulterior motives when threesomes involve the girls friend. I am equally as acquainted with both of them chronologically but in loyalty and principal i stick by the female so there is never an accusation of me being a homewrecker which is not my thing. So as that happened and they were already on their way i continued with the night but now i feel i should break the news to her that he is coming on to me which potentially could break them up. On the other hand I'm going to lose her friendship if I dont say something and she finds out on her own by seeing the potentially undeleted message in his phone. I dont think if I told her and she broke up with him that shed want to stay friends with me anyway. Should I say something anyway?
If you speak to the GF only to learn that she knew about his proposition and that it was a 'test' (which you've passed by being transparent with her), run away faster.
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:13 AM on November 25, 2019 [17 favorites]
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:13 AM on November 25, 2019 [17 favorites]
Response by poster: If you speak to the GF only to learn that she knew about his proposition and that it was a 'test' (which you've passed by being transparent with her), run away faster.
Strangely this thought did cross my mind because once they arrived she came in alone while he stayed in the van to "See A Man About A Dog"... she mentioned they've been having fights and she didnt think he was faithful. My belief in karma is that if I dont call him out as a man skank that she or some other bombshell will sabotage my FWB hunk sitch if the tables turned.
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 3:01 AM on November 25, 2019 [1 favorite]
Strangely this thought did cross my mind because once they arrived she came in alone while he stayed in the van to "See A Man About A Dog"... she mentioned they've been having fights and she didnt think he was faithful. My belief in karma is that if I dont call him out as a man skank that she or some other bombshell will sabotage my FWB hunk sitch if the tables turned.
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 3:01 AM on November 25, 2019 [1 favorite]
Would their breaking up really be the worst thing? I would not want to be tied to a creeper like this dude if I were F. This won't be the last time he tries cheating in all probability.
posted by shaademaan at 4:00 AM on November 25, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by shaademaan at 4:00 AM on November 25, 2019 [1 favorite]
I'd tell her at the same time as I was breaking it off. So much drama awaits down this road and it's not even yours. But you'll feel better if you tell her the truth about why you're out. Next!
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:06 AM on November 25, 2019
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:06 AM on November 25, 2019
Do you know the intimate details of this couple's relationship, now and in the past, well enough to be the one passing judgement on whether they should stay together or break up? In my experience "you'll feel better getting it off your chest" often leads to bad outcomes. Having said that, what this guy has done has put you in a hell of a position here. If you're willing to give him a piece of your mind regarding his shitty behavior, that seems quite okay.
posted by in278s at 10:59 AM on November 25, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by in278s at 10:59 AM on November 25, 2019 [1 favorite]
Here's the thing - even if it was ok with her (seems unlikely, but IF), it wasn't ok with YOU. You deserve to do what makes you comfortable in this situation as well. You're in a sexual relationship with both of these people, and it's never good to be in a sexual relationship where you can't check in about communication and boundaries. So I think anything you wanted to do here is fine. Whether that's tell her, bring it up with both of them present, call the whole thing off because you feel creeped out (and maybe fetishized?), or just decide it's not that important to you and carry on. Just check in with yourself about what you need to feel good and comfortable and safe in this relationship, and proceed with that.
posted by the sockening at 11:32 AM on November 25, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by the sockening at 11:32 AM on November 25, 2019 [4 favorites]
Tell F33.
If M32 has her permission to approach you separately, there's no harm done to their relationship and maybe you can stay friends if you want to.
If M32 doesn't have her permission, you've told your lady friend about skeevy things that her dude is doing, and she probably wants to know about that, and you've said your loyalty is to her anyway.
If you don't tell her, you'll have to keep a secret that's either a) not a secret or b) not a secret that F33 will appreciate you keeping. No wins there.
I hope you don't lose your friendship over this, but if you do, that kinda says something too.
posted by Sauce Trough at 3:53 PM on November 25, 2019 [3 favorites]
If M32 has her permission to approach you separately, there's no harm done to their relationship and maybe you can stay friends if you want to.
If M32 doesn't have her permission, you've told your lady friend about skeevy things that her dude is doing, and she probably wants to know about that, and you've said your loyalty is to her anyway.
If you don't tell her, you'll have to keep a secret that's either a) not a secret or b) not a secret that F33 will appreciate you keeping. No wins there.
I hope you don't lose your friendship over this, but if you do, that kinda says something too.
posted by Sauce Trough at 3:53 PM on November 25, 2019 [3 favorites]
If M32 has her permission to approach you separately...
My read is that whether if m32 has permission, he's sure as hell behaving in a way that makes it seem like he's sneaking around. And even if this is, like, a creepy test or agreed-upon kink or whatever, they're 1) not telling you, so that 2) you're ethically responsible for the entire decision of whether or not m32 cheats on his partner [or believe yourself to be responsible for it]. That is not at all the right way to go about making this sort of fantasy real, because it displaces responsibilities of the relationship on someone outside the relationship.
At very least, I'd quit playing with these folks, because one or both of them are obviously willing to engage in shady shit and inflict drama on you that is not and should not be yours. I'd probably dump them via a text sent to both (though I dunno, texting each separately so neither know for sure that the other's aware of it could be interesting...), and the next time you get into a threesome situation, lay down explicit ethical boundaries at the outset. Let the folks you're playing with know that if they cross those boundaries without explicit verbal renegotiation you're going to put on your pants and leave immediately.
Remember, dick is abundant and of low value. Also, you're a unicorn; hetero couples lie awake at night wishing for your existence, and in fact you exist! If you want more threesomes, go seek them out! (And also spend a while thinking & reading more about consent and ethical non-monogamy, which will offer lots of adjacent lessons related to hooking up with couples and how to communicate effectively in those contexts.)
posted by tapir-whorf at 7:05 PM on November 25, 2019 [1 favorite]
My read is that whether if m32 has permission, he's sure as hell behaving in a way that makes it seem like he's sneaking around. And even if this is, like, a creepy test or agreed-upon kink or whatever, they're 1) not telling you, so that 2) you're ethically responsible for the entire decision of whether or not m32 cheats on his partner [or believe yourself to be responsible for it]. That is not at all the right way to go about making this sort of fantasy real, because it displaces responsibilities of the relationship on someone outside the relationship.
At very least, I'd quit playing with these folks, because one or both of them are obviously willing to engage in shady shit and inflict drama on you that is not and should not be yours. I'd probably dump them via a text sent to both (though I dunno, texting each separately so neither know for sure that the other's aware of it could be interesting...), and the next time you get into a threesome situation, lay down explicit ethical boundaries at the outset. Let the folks you're playing with know that if they cross those boundaries without explicit verbal renegotiation you're going to put on your pants and leave immediately.
Remember, dick is abundant and of low value. Also, you're a unicorn; hetero couples lie awake at night wishing for your existence, and in fact you exist! If you want more threesomes, go seek them out! (And also spend a while thinking & reading more about consent and ethical non-monogamy, which will offer lots of adjacent lessons related to hooking up with couples and how to communicate effectively in those contexts.)
posted by tapir-whorf at 7:05 PM on November 25, 2019 [1 favorite]
Be prepared for unexpected and illogical seeming reactions. She may blame you or be angry at him at first and then transfer the anger to you.
posted by Melsky at 12:32 AM on November 27, 2019
posted by Melsky at 12:32 AM on November 27, 2019
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posted by missmagenta at 1:03 AM on November 25, 2019