Because There's Not Always a Dog or Baby

November 22, 2019 11:19 PM

How do you strike up a conversation with a stranger?

It's easy to strike up a conversation with a stranger if they have a dog or a baby. We all know that you can tell them their dog/baby is cute, or you can ask them how old their dog/baby is. It's easy because you know what to say and it's socially acceptable.

But if there's no dog or baby, it's a different matter. How do you successfully and not too awkwardly or uncomfortably (for you and the other person) break the ice if you just want to have a little sorely-lacking, real, face-to-face human interaction? What are the things you have to be especially careful about so they won't think you are hitting on them?

Can you admire their glasses or shoes? Is it too personal or intrusive to ask what's happening in their world today? Too droll to ask them whether they are having a better day than you are? Is it OK to be mysterious, such as asking "Didn't I meet you at the White House last year?" Is it OK to be humorous, such as saying "Do you want to trade hair today just for fun?"

Please share your tips and advice.

posted by Dansaman to Human Relations (31 answers total)

I regularly compliment strangers on everything from hairdo to shoes. Sometimes it leads to conversation, sometimes not, but it almost always makes their day a little brighter.

All of the leads you've proposed are perfectly acceptable and if you tried any of them on me, I'd happily converse with you!
posted by Lizard at 11:28 PM on November 22, 2019 [2 favorites]

The only thing in your last paragraph that would seem regular to me is to admire their clothes or something.

The other thing you could try is a comment on the current situation. "Takes about a year for the Walk signal to come on, doesn't it? :) " "Can you believe this heat wave?"
posted by salvia at 11:33 PM on November 22, 2019 [6 favorites]

Just say "some weather, huh?" or "good morning", or whatever bland small talk. That's what it's for. Compliments are fine if they aren't overly personal (shoes and glasses are fine).

"Didn't I meet you at the White House last year?" "Do you want to trade hair today just for fun?" If a random stranger said one of these things to me apropos of nothing, I wouldn't think they were mysterious or humorous, I'd be unsettled and maybe a little creeped out. I'd prefer a stranger who felt the need to be chatty to talk about themselves than to start asking me personal questions about what is "going on in my world" or the like.

A lot of this is context-dependant though.
posted by windykites at 1:21 AM on November 23, 2019 [32 favorites]

The good thing about the dog/baby gambit is it's context-specific. The problem with most of your ideas is that they're quite abstract and not grounded in the moment. If someone came up to me with one of the lines you propose, I would definitely think they had some ulterior motive- not necessarily a bad one, but when I'm out and about I don't want to feel like someone has singled me out for some particular reason, you know?

I also don't think compliments work unless it's extremely specific and the thing that is being complimented also gives me a link to that person. So a fellow LGBTQ person commenting on my pride button would probably lead me to want to engage with them a bit more. A random person saying "nice glasses" would probably get a smile and a "thanks", and then I'd move on.

A comment about something happening around you is normally good. I've had good chats with a person who is waiting for the same delayed public transport, or who is also experiencing the remarkable weather, or has also just witnessed something bizarre in public. If the context then continues (say if you end up on the same train) then chat can get a little more personal and involved.

Think about it as sharing a moment with someone rather than trying to force a particular conversational track to happen.
posted by Balthamos at 1:46 AM on November 23, 2019 [5 favorites]

Maybe you could go to meetups or church socials or whatever if you want to chat with people, and leave random strangers in the street in peace.
posted by Umami Dearest at 2:08 AM on November 23, 2019 [17 favorites]

I'm a person who starts brief conversations with strangers a lot. What I find is that most folks are very much caught up in their own things at any given moment. So you're right - it's a lot easier if there's a dog or a baby, but that's in great part because the person is caught up with the dog or the baby. What I do when I want to talk to a stranger is find the thing they're focusing on and comment about it. Your more abstract examples are just going to confuse and potentially embarrass folks, I think. Instead use your surroundings to your advantage.

For example if someone's looking lost in the spice aisle I will often ask if they would like a little help finding what they're looking for, and then ask what they're making with it. I've had plenty of nice exchanges about cooking that way. If I'm on the bus and there's some public transport nonsense going on, I'll comment on it almost towards the air in front of another exasperated person, and they can pick it up to respond to or not as they please. If I'm tremendously bored in the airport waiting at the gate I'll ask another bored looking person if our mutual destination is home for them or not. Even simpler, if the weather is remarkable I'll do a basic weather comment to break the ice, but only if it's remarkable enough to take someone's attention. I don't talk about the weather when it's kinda cloudy and 65, you know? Just when it's pouring buckets or gorgeously sunny or what have you.

I do compliment people a lot, too, but I specialize in drive by compliments. Like the other night I went to a special screening of Princess Mononoke and there were some young women on the stairs afterwards fussing with what turned out to be cosplay costumes. As I walked down the stairs past them I said "Wow! We got cosplayers? I commend your dedication!" and went on my way. The thing is that I had seen them in the bathroom just earlier and could have had a more drawn out conversation with them there (or just outside), but compliments are weird. It's nicer for everyone, I think, to just drop off some positivity and move on, not expecting anything in response. I'll be like "your eyebrows are seriously on point today!" to my grocery cashier quite often, but only *just* as they're handing me my receipt and no earlier. Starting a conversation with a compliment is high difficulty, because it puts a burden on the other person to reciprocate to something they've been surprised by. Same with being humorous, as you put it, because it puts a burden on the other person to get your joke right away. And both those things do very easily lead to "I'm not hitting on you, no seriously" situations.

I do think that Umami Dearest is right. If you're so lacking in face to face social interaction that you're getting urges to compliment strangers, it is a very good idea to block off time and energy to go to an organized event like a church social or a meetup. Trivia nights in pubs are great for this as a secular option. Most people going throughout their days are not really up for surprise conversations with strangers, and it's not your fault that you find this hard.
posted by Mizu at 3:07 AM on November 23, 2019 [19 favorites]

I went to the grocery store this evening and there was a woman near me who was standing on tippy-toes to see something on the top shelf. I'm tallish and if I'd been in a better mood I would have asked her if I could give her a hand.

All the cashiers in my neighborhood know me on some level. You can always ask, "Is this your weekend?", "is your shift over soon?" then they say "I only have 12 minutes left" and then I say "but who's counting?"

"Sonya, you're back! Good to see you!" @ the nearby gas station.

The liquor store closest to my house has liquor company sales-reps serving drinks from 5-7 PM on Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. I always talk to that person and start a conversation about what they're selling.

Everyone in that liquor store knows me by name as I do them.

I don't have any good advice if you're looking to make real friends, but when I put myself in the shoes of others based on my own retail experience or today's news or how cold it is outside I have conversations with everyone.

I was standing in line at the pharmacy a few weeks ago and one of the products on the shelf next to me was emu oil. When I got to the counter I asked the pharmacist how hard you had to squeeze an emu to get its oil. I'm friendly with them and now that they know I have no health insurance, they make the extra effort to knock the price of my $241 medication down to $21.

To answer your question: It's totally OK to comment on someone's clothes or shoes or glasses. Definitely humor. People may not always get your personal sense of humor, so my best experiences have been keeping it more generic.

Best of luck. ❤️
posted by bendy at 3:12 AM on November 23, 2019 [2 favorites]

Some people (me) will make idle conversation to be polite, but want that interaction to end at the next natural break. Like getting to the front of the line to order food, the Walk sign coming on, or getting on the bus.

(Especially, please do not follow someone onto a bus or train where they're stuck for the duration of the ride.)
posted by mersen at 3:16 AM on November 23, 2019 [5 favorites]

I was answering under the assumption that the OP is a woman. OP, if you're not a woman my answer would be different.
posted by bendy at 3:28 AM on November 23, 2019

I'm a cis woman. I have an eclectic fashion style, tattoos, and green hair. So people tend to strike up conversations about that.

I've had (I think they identify cis) men make comments which are NOT flirty and don't make me uncomfortable about hair/tattoos. It CAN be done. (Example: "Hey! Cool hair!" - "Nice ink! Where'd you get it done?") But, I've also very much had people be REALLY fucking creepy about it, or they just want to tell me ALL about their tattoos. (Never touch a person's skin or hair nor ask a stranger if you can. This shouldn't have to be said, but it does.) I'm overall more on guard around people who read as cishet men commenting on my appearance especially.

So, if something is obviously cool or interesting I think it's fine to bring up clothing/style. "Your hair color rocks!" - "Not seen glasses like those! Awesome!" - "I've been on the lookout for some shoes like that!"

I think starting off on a joke can backfire, especially given power dynamics of service workers or gender dynamics or neurodiversity in understanding humor. If you asked me "Have I met you at the White House?" I would be concerned that you were going to go off about some MAGA anti-feminist shit given how I read pretty obviously liberal. Or I would think you were very confused or trying to land a weird pickup line. Further in a conversation, a gentle obvious joke with a smile is easier to understand.

Please don't ask people "what do you do?" Talking about work is exhausting, it can feel scary for some people ("Will they ask me WHERE I work next?"), and then there's disabled people like me who can't stand that question. In checkout lines I feel like there is a social wall of invisibility where people should be able to buy whatever they want without strangers commenting. (I've had cashiers ask geninly if a product is good or something, that's been fine. But a stranger in line behind me? Nope.)

Asking about their personal life / mood would be a NOPE from me. You really never know what's going on in someone's life. And those of us who struggle on a regular basis get really burned out either putting on a happy face all the time or making people uncomfortable if we answer honestly.

As cliche as it is, the weather is a topic that can get interesting chatter started. "Yeah it's freezing outside!" can lead to "my puppy hates going outside right now" and even if they don't' have a dog with them and suddenly you're talking about dogs anway. Or their favorite cozy tea. Or the new AC unit that really works well!

My biggest bit of advice?
YOU do something to stand out. I guarantee if you have a dog, wear a bright shirt, unique shoes or glasses, have visible tattoos, or dye your hair a non-standard color you'll get people talking to you. My husband and I often joke "Oh! There's your ONE." Because usually, at least ONE person comments on my hair or style when I'm out.

Regardless, just recognize dynamics and work REALLY hard to read tone and body language of people. It may be good to go to more meetup-centric outings or locations if you're craving this social outreach. (And I really do get it. I'm disabled and spend 90% of my time in my house. Those tiny social interactions can be great, but they can also be really scary or draining if you're on the receiving end of unwanted attention. I get some of this fulfillment through social media instead.)
posted by Crystalinne at 4:33 AM on November 23, 2019 [8 favorites]

Maybe have your own dog/baby with you at all times (I'm kidding, though it would probably work well). In general, I think this is tricky. If you're a man talking to a woman, it's definitely possible that she'll think you're hitting on her, no matter what you choose to say. If you're talking to someone else who is waiting for the train, etc, and they don't want to talk, they may feel trapped. If you compliment someone's physical features, they may feel uncomfortable. I do think it's okay to compliment someone's clothes/accessories- but only if you genuinely mean it, not if you're just searching for something to say.

Your examples (Is it OK to be mysterious, such as asking "Didn't I meet you at the White House last year?" Is it OK to be humorous, such as saying "Do you want to trade hair today just for fun?") are wildly off-base, which makes me worry that you won't pick up on social cues that someone doesn't want to talk.

You're probably safest trying to strike up conversations at a bar, or with someone working at a store, or with a neighbor on your block who is working on their garden or something else you can comment on. But I agree that meetups might be better.
posted by pinochiette at 4:50 AM on November 23, 2019 [1 favorite]

I'm afraid this isn't what you would prefer to hear and maybe I'm just a curmudgeon, but for me there is not a comfortable or welcome way for a strange man to try and talk to me in public. Even if dogs or babies are present.
posted by CheeseLouise at 4:57 AM on November 23, 2019 [15 favorites]

Agreed, there is no comfortable way for a man I don’t know to talk to me in public. Even if it’s a specific thing grounded in the moment, asking about when the bus is due or something, I’m immediately tense and nervous worrying that it’s *about* to turn into one of those things where a guy with no boundaries asks me increasingly personal questions and tries to follow me home. Which doesn’t mean no one should ever talk to me - sometimes you just really do need to know when the bus is coming, and that’s fine - but I’d rather not be anyone’s “just chitchatting to have a personal conversation” moment and there’s no way you can do it that would make it okay for me. (But there are things you could do to make it even weirder, and asking weird questions like the one about trading hair is high on the list.)

If you must, the best option is probably a remark rather than a question, about something specific that is happening. A general comment leaves me free to either pick it up and talk, ignore it, or do a polite “mm-hmm,” and which of those I do should give you your cue about whether I’m open to conversation.

But really, in the long term, if lack of human interaction is such a problem that you’re asking this question, look for another way to get this met. Join a meetup group or a hobby or book club, or reach out more to someone who’s already in your life.
posted by Stacey at 5:35 AM on November 23, 2019 [10 favorites]

As others point out, the general answer is "don't", and in particular this one: Too droll to ask them whether they are having a better day than you are? is something that even in print sent me into a full-body cringe, so...don't. But I think there are two exceptions to this, even for a man:

1. the situational "ugh I hate it when the bus is late" is fine, especially if you just put it out there into the air and the other person has the option of picking up the conversation or not

2. I'm sort of surprised no one's said this, but: sports teams. This is HUGE. It does require that you know something about sports, but I'm a person who wears a lot of out-of-town sports gear (because I'm from out of town), and so is my husband, and we talk to soooo many strangers as a result. If you see someone in a Packers jersey you can definitely be like, "That Aaron Rodgers, huh?" and they'll probably talk to you for ten minutes. My husband is a Nationals fan and I think every person with even a passing interest in baseball has stopped him to chat about his sweatshirt over the last month.

2a. If you're not a sports person this can also work with colleges/universities. I went to a really small liberal arts college 2,000 miles away and somehow people who are connected to that school stop and talk to me at least twice a month. I also went to a big state school, and whenever I wear a sweatshirt or hat from there I get comments. If you didn't go to college, wear the sweater from your state school or somewhere else you're connected to. I wear Purdue and Wisconsin stuff a lot, because I have family/personal connections to those schools, and a lot of stranger conversations start with those. "Oh, I went to Purdue!" "I didn't, but my sister did, West Laf is a trip" etc.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 6:30 AM on November 23, 2019 [3 favorites]

The key to doing this in anything approaching a non-awkward way is that can’t be focused on what you’re getting from the stranger. So this framing:

if you just want to have a little sorely-lacking, real, face-to-face human interaction?

may be part of the problem. You can’t think of it as “I’m feeling lonely, so I’m going to go get some attention/conversation from a stranger.” This is why walking up to a stranger with a prepared line (wacky or not) comes off as weird, because it’s not naturally arising from the context, and makes the stranger think “What in the heck does this person want?”

That’s way strangers talk about the weather, dogs/babies, transportation issues, the crowdedness of the supermarket, and what not: because both of you even as strangers are experiencing this thing together.

If you find yourself lonely and in need of human interaction, seek it from people you have already built relationships with, or put your effort into building more of those, don’t seek it from strangers on the street. Some of those strangers are lucky enough to have the opposite problem, and maybe just want to get to the grocery store and back without having to chat with anyone.

Lastly, as a woman, I’ve had strangers in the street who looked perfectly non-descript come up and physically assault me, yell at me, spit on me, solicit sex from me, and everything you can imagine. One particularly vivid encounter was a harmless looking young guy who asked me for directions and then grabbed my crotch in the middle of the street. A stranger who comes toward me to say something in the street makes me afraid. Lots of people are friendlier than I am, I’m sure, but frankly I don’t care anymore that some random person might feel lonely and want to chat.
posted by sallybrown at 6:34 AM on November 23, 2019 [15 favorites]

I think greeting people, then backing off and putting it in their court, is as far as you can reliably take it without imposing.

Example: you get on an elevator and a person is in there. Greet them lightly “good morning,” then accept whatever repose they provide. This could be everything from totally ignoring you to a curt return of the greeting to the start of a lovely conversation.

You have to be okay with any of those responses, and don’t take it personally or judge them harshly if they don’t engage.
posted by kapers at 8:55 AM on November 23, 2019 [1 favorite]

I wouldn’t engage with your whimsical or humorous suggestions at all. They don’t match my definitions of whimsical or humorous and as a woman I’d be worried you were hitting on me or using me to feel good about yourself and I’d have to politely fake a laugh so you wouldn’t escalate. Not everyone wants to play. You have to leave people an out if they don’t want to play.
posted by kapers at 8:57 AM on November 23, 2019 [1 favorite]

Also, make sure you’re doing this equally and not subconsciously imposing it on people who already get imposed upon a lot—if you wouldn’t say it to a cis white ablebodied 45 y/o businessman looking at his phone, don’t say it women, the disabled, poc, etc.
posted by kapers at 9:01 AM on November 23, 2019 [6 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks for all the replies.

Just to clarify, my examples were meant to be extreme and shouldn't be taken as the only possible magnitude of humor, etc. that could be used in striking up a conversation with a stranger. What's important in my question is the methods that can be used, not those specific examples (feel free to provide more realistic examples), so I would hope that people don't focus too much on those specific examples.

I've had Starbucks baristas ask me things like "How's the day treating you so far?", or "What's happening in your world today?", etc. Granted that's a "safe" situation because the relationship between both parties is clear, but the sincerity of questions composed in that way feels more meaningful to me than perfunctory things like "How are you?" or "How's it going?". It is the more sincere type of interaction that I'm trying to understand better how to accomplish in situations where the relationship is not as clear. Especially in a way that holds the possibility of going beyond superficial greetings. (I'm sure many people have had the experience of having a very interesting conversation with an Uber/Lyft driver - that's a relationship that is clear, but I think in theory it should be possible to create such situations without having to hail a ride - the question is how to best go about accomplishing that.) Obviously it goes without saying that some people like more social interaction and some don't, so one has to be sensitive and cognizant about initiating a conversation and not try to force it upon people. And I'm not talking about going up to a passing stranger in the street, where there is no connection at all, but perhaps something like two people standing in line at Starbucks, or in an elevator, etc.

I asked my question because it's clear that social disconnectedness is a ubiquitous problem, not something only I have experienced (and just for the record, I'm not socially awkward and I'm not introverted or shy). The UK even created a minister of loneliness, and many articles in recent years have described the pervasiveness and depth of this phenomenon, including Nicholas Kristof very recently in the NY Times. I think there are sort of two levels of disconnectedness, one being the deep long-term one and the other being the daily everyone-has-their-face-in-their-phone one. My question was about the latter, and I think finding ways to overcome the latter can in some ways and cases be an important starting point to help alleviate the former (obviously it's not the only way). Case in point: Kristof mentions in that article that the UK supports creation of "public benches where people are encouraged to go and chat with one another".

I hope this additional context I've provided clarifies the nature of my question.
posted by Dansaman at 9:34 AM on November 23, 2019

I think there are sort of two levels of disconnectedness, one being the deep long-term one and the other being the daily everyone-has-their-face-in-their-phone one. My question was about the latter

When I have my face in my phone, most of the time it's because I'm communicating with someone I want to communicate with, and some of the time it's because I'm tired from interaction I've already been doing and need some time to recharge my communication batteries. I know it's kind of a thing to stereotype people as hunching over their phone and shutting out interaction with others, but I think that really comes from the POV of someone other than the person on their phone - someone who feels they know better than the person on the phone how and with whom they should be interacting.

I realize you're only using the phone thing as an example of what feels wrong to you and not literally the only issue, but please do add this as another thing to consider when you're contemplating which strangers you want to interact with. I'm honestly not sure how strangers who want to talk with each other generally find one another (and despite what I've already said, I'm often fine with talking to people so long as I don't feel "stuck" talking with them), but it would be an inaccurate assumption to think that people who aren't currently interacting are necessarily feeling disconnected.
posted by DingoMutt at 10:10 AM on November 23, 2019 [7 favorites]

You realize that your example of sincere interest is from someone who is required to ask stuff like that as part of their job?

It works for the barista because it’s a service expectation, you will be walking away in two minutes, and you can be pretty sure the barista is going to obey social norms (or they would have gotten fired by now). Random people on the street do not have these features.
posted by momus_window at 10:27 AM on November 23, 2019 [5 favorites]

The thing is, if I have my face in the phone in public it is specifically because I prefer it to a convo with a random stranger. You'd be so unwelcome to talk to me I can't even describe it. And your opening salvos that have the explicit goal of skipping the step of safe weather small talk to achieve intimacy faster would be recognised as such and resented like hell. Weather is safe. Weather lets you make a quick assessment if the interrupter is at least a person cognizant of conversational rules and boundaries and willing to adhere to them. You can't skip the step just because you hate it and expect a net result of faster connection with a complete stranger.

The secret to a successful icebreaker is both people need to actually want to break the ice. Public places with no easy escape options (like bus stops, supermarkets...) are the worst possible place for it.

The barista example works because you have already established a connection (as barista and customer). You are past the first step.

In short: pick a place where you already have something that connects you to the people there.
Use that common thing as a starting comment.
And yes, stay away from random women until you've mastered the social acumen to have pleasant chats with male strangers. Do the practicing on men.
posted by Omnomnom at 10:45 AM on November 23, 2019 [13 favorites]

The barista and the Uber/Lyft driver examples are inherently transactional, with an unspoken implication of a tip. Plenty of accounts of customers over-interpreting transactional friendliness for personal friendliness and asking the barista out, for example. (Not saying you were flirting with the barista, just that many people, especially men, misinterpret those conversations, to the point where it's a trope.)

I say this as someone who only exists because my dad struck up a random conversation with my mom while they were waiting on an elevator, but please don't do this. Especially if your hope is to alleviate personal or global loneliness. You are highly liable to come across as nosy (if you are a woman) or creepy (if you are a man). The social signals that someone wants to chat with a random stranger are eye contact, a smile, and a deprecating comment about some small shared misery, like the weather or the fact that the flight's been delayed another 30 minutes. Meetup groups are a great suggestion because there is some shared activity, like pub trivia or hiking, as well as a social compact that conversation is expected. Going up to someone at a bus stop who has their face buried in their phone and trying to talk with them is inappropriate -- as DingoMutt says, just because they aren't interacting with you doesn't mean they are disconnected.
posted by basalganglia at 12:12 PM on November 23, 2019 [2 favorites]

My advice, as a woman: never say anything to a strange woman you wouldn’t say to a strange man.
posted by uans at 12:25 PM on November 23, 2019 [7 favorites]

So, accepting your premise: (a) global loneliness is a problem, and (b) people out and about but not interacting with each other is a symptom and part of that problem. Why not use (b) as a trigger to put effort toward (a) in a way that doesn’t assume anything about strangers (namely, that they want to talk to other strangers)? Every time you’re out and see people behaving in a way that reminds you of global loneliness, contact someone you know that you haven’t spoken to in a while. You see people waiting in line at the store and each gazing at their phones instead of talking about the weather? Email an old colleague and say “I was just thinking about our office and hope you’re doing well,” or send a postcard to your old neighbor, or text your cousin with an article you read that you think he’d like. If everyone put effort into strengthening their more intermediate and distant bonds, that would help ease global loneliness, and you’re keeping your interactions meaningful and with people you know would welcome them.
posted by sallybrown at 1:07 PM on November 23, 2019 [6 favorites]

The thing that you're asking is I think a contradiction in terms. Yes people sitting on the tube are disconnected from one another... but is there actually meaningfully an alternative? Before smartphones people read or simply closed off from those around them in crowded public places, because that's... normal and fine and not a problem that needs fixing. Interacting with strangers is not rewarding for most people. Yes, every friend you have started off as a stranger at some point, but not every stranger can or should be a potential friend. We just encounter too many people in modern life to be able to even handle relationships with them, even fleeting ones like you're hoping for.

If you are genuinely interested in counteracting loneliness in your community, which is a noble cause, there are ways to go about that which will actually work. E.g. in the UK you could volunteer with Age UK who have roles for people to literally befriend isolated elderly people.
posted by Balthamos at 1:16 PM on November 23, 2019 [5 favorites]

Acting mysterious or droll toward women forces us into the position of having to determine whether you are high, unstable in some way, or unable to follow social conventions to a degree that puts us in danger. (Is this guy going to assault me? Follow me to my stop? Is he just the kind of entitled idiot who sees me as a prop in his own personal movie? Is he soliciting sex? We don’t know.)

Your motives are noble. But I would find a structured way to engage with other humans because strangers in public are trying to get through their days safely and unfortunately, a lot of creepy assholes have kind of ruined the whole “hi, stranger!” thing by now.
posted by corey flood at 3:07 PM on November 23, 2019 [7 favorites]

Obviously it goes without saying that some people like more social interaction and some don't, so one has to be sensitive and cognizant about initiating a conversation and not try to force it upon people.

I wish it were obvious, but this is not obvious to many people, if not most people. It doesn't go without saying at all - it is only very recently that folks are saying it, period, especially women. Every interaction I have or create with strangers is derived from a balance of guesses about this, and I am often considered rude, abrupt, socially surprising. A lot of people think there are standard rules for things but we're all making it up as we go and we're all guessing about each other. There is no obviously.
posted by Mizu at 4:16 PM on November 23, 2019 [3 favorites]

Yeah what you aren't picking up here is that most people don't want 'authentic' or 'sincere' bids for connection thrust upon them by random strangers. Everyone has their headphones on and their nose in their phone to avoid that shit.

Politeness is the grease that makes the wheels of society turn smoothly. Small talk is the polite way to converse with people you have no relationship to; it is the first step to establishing a connection. Don't try to bypass that step. Be polite.

Also for the record when a barista asks "What's happening in your world today" the question isn't any more sincere than "how are you". It's really really not. It's the same intention in different dressing.
posted by windykites at 5:06 PM on November 23, 2019 [10 favorites]

> "Do you want to trade hair today just for fun?"

If a stranger said that to me, I would worry that they had a knife on them.
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:23 PM on November 24, 2019 [5 favorites]

How do you successfully and not too awkwardly or uncomfortably (for you and the other person) break the ice if you just want to have a little sorely-lacking, real, face-to-face human interaction? What are the things you have to be especially careful about so they won't think you are hitting on them?

I would think that you weren't playing by the rules if you didn't just talk about the weather first. I would mumble something and go back to my phone. I don't want human interaction in all (or most) situations. That is why I have my phone out. That is what I want to be interacting with.

I work at a psych facility. If you asked if you'd seen me at the White House, I'd assume you were a former patient of mine who was having some issues with context. If you instead asked me if it was going to rain or something I might engage in conversation.
Then I'd go back to my phone.
posted by RainyJay at 1:38 PM on November 24, 2019 [1 favorite]