I am pregnant but don’t want to be
November 21, 2019 1:06 AM Subscribe
After a night of carelessness we got pregnant. We don’t want to be pregnant right now, we’ve only been married slightly more than a year. We are just not ready. Please help me sort my thoughts out.
I am 32 and about 6 weeks pregnant. We’ve been together 7.5 years, married for bit more than one. I got off the pill in September after being on them 10 years, just because I don’t want to be on them anymore – and we started using other methods of contraception. Guess they weren’t sufficient.
I do want kid(s), but just not right now. My career is on a trajectory, we have a couple of big events coming up next year, several long-anticipated holidays, I am most happy with my body now than I’ve ever been, I’m enjoying our current financial freedom, etc. etc. I just… want to be child-less for a bit longer.
So we both feel that we should abort this pregnancy. My husband too is not ready to be a Dad, but he is 100% in it of any decisions I make.
But on the other hand, I also would hate to have an abortion. I don’t want to have an abortion because I am afraid it will decrease my chances to get pregnant in the future – either through physical reasons or just plain bad karma. Because I know people who try for years, go through so much blood and tears, to get pregnant… and here we are getting knocked up a month after stopping the pill and now we want to get rid of it… coz we might be inconvenienced? Because those out there with actual legitimate reasons to terminate a pregnancy – rape survivor, family ostracization, absent father… And me right here with my loving husband and loving family and a great support network opting to terminate because I want to get promoted in the next year? The selfishness and entitlement are almost unbearable.
Yet thinking of how our lives will be changed forever, I just can’t face it.
I don’t know if we’re making the right decision. What’s making it worse is that I think I’m starting to feel some sort of ?feeling? for the baby growing inside me? Like I’m not happy about it, but I don’t hate it either.
Further complicating the matter is that I live in a country where I can’t get legal abortion easily. My options are: hush-hush surgical procedure that costs a bomb (but not as much as having an actual kid) or ordering abortion pills from Women on Web (could anyone here vouch for the cause?). I don’t want to go through an invasive procedure but I also don’t want to order drugs from the Internet.
My thoughts are all over the place. I’m feeling a million feelings and most of them are negative. I feel confused, guilty, self-loathing... Please help me sort my thoughts out.
I am 32 and about 6 weeks pregnant. We’ve been together 7.5 years, married for bit more than one. I got off the pill in September after being on them 10 years, just because I don’t want to be on them anymore – and we started using other methods of contraception. Guess they weren’t sufficient.
I do want kid(s), but just not right now. My career is on a trajectory, we have a couple of big events coming up next year, several long-anticipated holidays, I am most happy with my body now than I’ve ever been, I’m enjoying our current financial freedom, etc. etc. I just… want to be child-less for a bit longer.
So we both feel that we should abort this pregnancy. My husband too is not ready to be a Dad, but he is 100% in it of any decisions I make.
But on the other hand, I also would hate to have an abortion. I don’t want to have an abortion because I am afraid it will decrease my chances to get pregnant in the future – either through physical reasons or just plain bad karma. Because I know people who try for years, go through so much blood and tears, to get pregnant… and here we are getting knocked up a month after stopping the pill and now we want to get rid of it… coz we might be inconvenienced? Because those out there with actual legitimate reasons to terminate a pregnancy – rape survivor, family ostracization, absent father… And me right here with my loving husband and loving family and a great support network opting to terminate because I want to get promoted in the next year? The selfishness and entitlement are almost unbearable.
Yet thinking of how our lives will be changed forever, I just can’t face it.
I don’t know if we’re making the right decision. What’s making it worse is that I think I’m starting to feel some sort of ?feeling? for the baby growing inside me? Like I’m not happy about it, but I don’t hate it either.
Further complicating the matter is that I live in a country where I can’t get legal abortion easily. My options are: hush-hush surgical procedure that costs a bomb (but not as much as having an actual kid) or ordering abortion pills from Women on Web (could anyone here vouch for the cause?). I don’t want to go through an invasive procedure but I also don’t want to order drugs from the Internet.
My thoughts are all over the place. I’m feeling a million feelings and most of them are negative. I feel confused, guilty, self-loathing... Please help me sort my thoughts out.
Whichever way you decide, I think it's important to know that it's OK to have huge emotions and grief over it, and those emotions may last a long time. The emotions don't in themselves mean that you made the wrong decision.
If you carry on with the pregnancy you'll need to grieve all the plans you will have to change. If you end the pregnancy, it sounds like that will be a really complex and difficult emotional experience for you, both for personal reasons and maybe for society's inherited shame reasons, and you may grieve for the child that might have been. Grief is hard, but it won't mean that the choice you made was wrong.
Anyway, you have the right to choose what happens to your own body, and there is no shame in that. There will always be other people with worse problems than yours - but this decision you're making now will have no effect on those other people's problems. If you end the pregnancy, maybe it would make you feel better to donate to some cause either related to women's health or to children in difficult circumstances? That would honour all the other women that were faced with this same choice, found it heartbreaking and made it anyway, one way or the other.
posted by quacks like a duck at 2:37 AM on November 21, 2019 [10 favorites]
If you carry on with the pregnancy you'll need to grieve all the plans you will have to change. If you end the pregnancy, it sounds like that will be a really complex and difficult emotional experience for you, both for personal reasons and maybe for society's inherited shame reasons, and you may grieve for the child that might have been. Grief is hard, but it won't mean that the choice you made was wrong.
Anyway, you have the right to choose what happens to your own body, and there is no shame in that. There will always be other people with worse problems than yours - but this decision you're making now will have no effect on those other people's problems. If you end the pregnancy, maybe it would make you feel better to donate to some cause either related to women's health or to children in difficult circumstances? That would honour all the other women that were faced with this same choice, found it heartbreaking and made it anyway, one way or the other.
posted by quacks like a duck at 2:37 AM on November 21, 2019 [10 favorites]
I went through miscarriage and fertility treatments before having our daughter.
If you decide to terminate this pregnancy I think you will be making a good decision for yourself and for your future children. I think parents should feel ready to welcome such news into their lives. It’s a freaking rollercoaster, you need that high to get through it!
But because you said you are starting to “catch feelings”, I will also say that I don’t know if anyone feels 100% ready for it. Even with our super deliberate journey which involved procedures and flights and money, when I got the positive test I was like “shit, what have we done”.
Have another discussion with your husband. But this time, don’t make it about making a decision. Just talk about it. How would your lives be affected? What are those big events? Would you be pregnant or have an actual newborn? What would be the fallout for missing those events? How will your finances be affected? What level do you think you need to be to “afford a baby”? Career-wise, depends on where you are and what kind of maternity benefits you foresee, but share your fears. Talk about what it would mean and what you would need to do to still feel secure in your career.
I’m not trying to convince you to go through with this pregnancy at all! If during this discussion you find some things in your life would be unacceptably disrupted, you will feel that and hopefully feel more confident in your decision. But there’s also a small chance this is a very normal initial panic about a huge life changing thing, and maybe during your discussions you will discover that yeah life is gonna be *different* (not worse, different) but you could be okay with that.
posted by like_neon at 2:42 AM on November 21, 2019 [15 favorites]
If you decide to terminate this pregnancy I think you will be making a good decision for yourself and for your future children. I think parents should feel ready to welcome such news into their lives. It’s a freaking rollercoaster, you need that high to get through it!
But because you said you are starting to “catch feelings”, I will also say that I don’t know if anyone feels 100% ready for it. Even with our super deliberate journey which involved procedures and flights and money, when I got the positive test I was like “shit, what have we done”.
Have another discussion with your husband. But this time, don’t make it about making a decision. Just talk about it. How would your lives be affected? What are those big events? Would you be pregnant or have an actual newborn? What would be the fallout for missing those events? How will your finances be affected? What level do you think you need to be to “afford a baby”? Career-wise, depends on where you are and what kind of maternity benefits you foresee, but share your fears. Talk about what it would mean and what you would need to do to still feel secure in your career.
I’m not trying to convince you to go through with this pregnancy at all! If during this discussion you find some things in your life would be unacceptably disrupted, you will feel that and hopefully feel more confident in your decision. But there’s also a small chance this is a very normal initial panic about a huge life changing thing, and maybe during your discussions you will discover that yeah life is gonna be *different* (not worse, different) but you could be okay with that.
posted by like_neon at 2:42 AM on November 21, 2019 [15 favorites]
hug hug hugs. You're going to be okay. And you definitely don't need to have a baby just because some people can't, or because other people might 'need' an abortion more - there isn't a limited supply of abortions in the world that can be used up. There's just your body, and your choice about whether this is the right time for a child. It sounds like maybe it isn't. The good news is that it sounds like you're fairly damn fertile and shouldn't have too much trouble getting pregnant again in a few years time - there is no supernatural entity out there that is going to punish you by taking your fertility away, and as long as you have a safe procedure it shouldn't damage your chances in the future. Obviously nobody can guarantee that you'll get pregnant again, because so many things are beyond anyone's control, but the fact is that happily married, stable people have abortions all the time because they don't want a particular pregnancy, and then quite often they go on with their lives as if nothing had changed, because in many ways nothing does. You don't need to feel guilty about this. You're a person, not an incubator.
Even if you do discover unexpected feelings and decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, that will also be your own choice. Let your husband comfort you and be your friend in this - it sounds like he's got your back, and you shouldn't have to be alone.
Take care of yourself, and if you need to have a few days letting it sink in, do that - you need to be lining up options soon but not so urgently that a day or two of breathing room is going to make a huge difference. Is there any way you could take a city break to somewhere nice that would allow you to get a medical abortion (ie with pills)? Do you know any friends who have gone through something similar and can recommend a particular clinic or website? Often when these things are underground, word of mouth is the best way to get information. Also, have you considered getting an IUD implanted? They involve far lower levels of systemic hormone than the pill, and for some of the types of IUD, the implantation itself causes an abortion.
Again, hugs. breathe. You haven't done anything wrong, none of the things you are contemplating would be wrong, and one day when you have a child you'll tell them about this and about how important it is for women to know that they have rights over their own bodies.
posted by Acheman at 2:42 AM on November 21, 2019 [8 favorites]
Even if you do discover unexpected feelings and decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, that will also be your own choice. Let your husband comfort you and be your friend in this - it sounds like he's got your back, and you shouldn't have to be alone.
Take care of yourself, and if you need to have a few days letting it sink in, do that - you need to be lining up options soon but not so urgently that a day or two of breathing room is going to make a huge difference. Is there any way you could take a city break to somewhere nice that would allow you to get a medical abortion (ie with pills)? Do you know any friends who have gone through something similar and can recommend a particular clinic or website? Often when these things are underground, word of mouth is the best way to get information. Also, have you considered getting an IUD implanted? They involve far lower levels of systemic hormone than the pill, and for some of the types of IUD, the implantation itself causes an abortion.
Again, hugs. breathe. You haven't done anything wrong, none of the things you are contemplating would be wrong, and one day when you have a child you'll tell them about this and about how important it is for women to know that they have rights over their own bodies.
posted by Acheman at 2:42 AM on November 21, 2019 [8 favorites]
I have had many many miscarriages, multiple medical interventions and an incredibly difficult pregnancy to get my baby. And I absolutely hug you and say that you can and gently support you in choosing an abortion. Absolutely. Your body belongs to you and pregnancy needs to be a choice. Abortions are medically much safer than a pregnancy is, and an early surgical abortion or a medical abortion is very very safe.
This will not harm your future fertility or give you bad karma. Many many moms I know have had abortions before and they are wonderful moms now too. Many women who chose not to become parents also had abortions. This abortion will not change your fertility. It will change your life by giving you the time you need to decide when you want to be a parent. Some people do know it's time to become a parent when they accidentally conceive, and that's great for them. Sometimes they don't have a choice and must learn through grace to get there.
You get to choose - whatever you choose, not your husband or your family or your friends, YOU, it's going to be okay. Pregnancy is very hard. Parenting is even harder. Being honest and saying I'm not ready or I don't want to do this is courageous and truthful in a world that wants women to shut up and be convenient. Live a life you choose.
You are not selfish, you are not entitled. You are thinking with care and love about so many difficult things. Think with love about you and love yourself fiercely. XOXO.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 3:17 AM on November 21, 2019 [38 favorites]
This will not harm your future fertility or give you bad karma. Many many moms I know have had abortions before and they are wonderful moms now too. Many women who chose not to become parents also had abortions. This abortion will not change your fertility. It will change your life by giving you the time you need to decide when you want to be a parent. Some people do know it's time to become a parent when they accidentally conceive, and that's great for them. Sometimes they don't have a choice and must learn through grace to get there.
You get to choose - whatever you choose, not your husband or your family or your friends, YOU, it's going to be okay. Pregnancy is very hard. Parenting is even harder. Being honest and saying I'm not ready or I don't want to do this is courageous and truthful in a world that wants women to shut up and be convenient. Live a life you choose.
You are not selfish, you are not entitled. You are thinking with care and love about so many difficult things. Think with love about you and love yourself fiercely. XOXO.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 3:17 AM on November 21, 2019 [38 favorites]
If you’re not totally on board with having a child, they will be (best case) on a therapist’s couch talking about it in twenty five years. No doubt you’ll be a good parent, but kids will pick up on your conflict regardless.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:18 AM on November 21, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:18 AM on November 21, 2019 [8 favorites]
Whoa, whoa, I can't speak to most of this (never having been pregnant), but it is not "selfish" or "entitled" to end a pregnancy.
No really, it's not.
posted by inexorably_forward at 3:32 AM on November 21, 2019 [30 favorites]
No really, it's not.
posted by inexorably_forward at 3:32 AM on November 21, 2019 [30 favorites]
I had a baby with my husband, accidentally got pregnant when she was four months old, had an abortion, and then got pregnant on purpose less than a year later.
That was the best decision for me and for my family. It was rough, physically, but I was always sure. When I saw the positive on the test, I cried. It was not the right time.
You can want children, many children, but each pregnancy is a potential in time. We are lucky to live in a place where we have some control over the when and the how. It's okay to feel sad, I felt sad too, and still do sometimes when I idly wonder about that ephemeral embryo and how it would have fit in our family. Because we could have made it fit just fine, even easily, I just didn't want to. And that's reason enough to not have to.
posted by lydhre at 3:34 AM on November 21, 2019 [17 favorites]
That was the best decision for me and for my family. It was rough, physically, but I was always sure. When I saw the positive on the test, I cried. It was not the right time.
You can want children, many children, but each pregnancy is a potential in time. We are lucky to live in a place where we have some control over the when and the how. It's okay to feel sad, I felt sad too, and still do sometimes when I idly wonder about that ephemeral embryo and how it would have fit in our family. Because we could have made it fit just fine, even easily, I just didn't want to. And that's reason enough to not have to.
posted by lydhre at 3:34 AM on November 21, 2019 [17 favorites]
I'm an obgyn. If you choose to have an abortion (surgical or medical), it will have no impact on your future fertility. Also, I have 100% trust in Women on Waves.
That aside, sending you peace. You are a good person no matter what you decide to do.
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 3:51 AM on November 21, 2019 [110 favorites]
That aside, sending you peace. You are a good person no matter what you decide to do.
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 3:51 AM on November 21, 2019 [110 favorites]
Another voice here who became a regular Planned Parenthood donor after a much-wanted pregnancy. Ta-Nehisi Coates described his wife’s pregnancy memorably. My own was not so challenging, but I still felt vulnerable in a way unlike any I’ve experienced before or since. They call it labor for a reason, and to force people into it involuntarily is to deny their humanity.
posted by eirias at 4:16 AM on November 21, 2019 [7 favorites]
posted by eirias at 4:16 AM on November 21, 2019 [7 favorites]
You say you feel selfish when so many women can't get abortions or other reproductive care they need... could you rethink your access to it as a blessing instead?
I found it helpful and comforting to frame my own abortion, which happened in circumstances much like yours, in a historical context. I felt I owed it to women who never had a choice, and all those who fought to make my choice possible, to do what I knew to be right for me. I came out of it with so much gratitude that it was an option at all, so indebted for the freedom I enjoy, with a renewed commitment to vote and fight to make it possible for everyone.
posted by Freyja at 4:36 AM on November 21, 2019 [10 favorites]
I found it helpful and comforting to frame my own abortion, which happened in circumstances much like yours, in a historical context. I felt I owed it to women who never had a choice, and all those who fought to make my choice possible, to do what I knew to be right for me. I came out of it with so much gratitude that it was an option at all, so indebted for the freedom I enjoy, with a renewed commitment to vote and fight to make it possible for everyone.
posted by Freyja at 4:36 AM on November 21, 2019 [10 favorites]
Further complicating the matter is that I live in a country where I can’t get legal abortion easily. My options are: hush-hush surgical procedure that costs a bomb (but not as much as having an actual kid) or ordering abortion pills from Women on Web (could anyone here vouch for the cause?). I don’t want to go through an invasive procedure but I also don’t want to order drugs from the Internet.
The OP does not have easy access to legal abortion.
posted by nightrecordings at 4:41 AM on November 21, 2019 [3 favorites]
The OP does not have easy access to legal abortion.
posted by nightrecordings at 4:41 AM on November 21, 2019 [3 favorites]
If you were my friend, I would first of all offer you a big hug and sympathy in a complex decision, and then I would advise you to try to set aside all of the thoughts about what other people do or don't have access to. You deciding to keep or end this pregnancy is not going to help anyone else get pregnant or access an abortion. You have a big heart and it's trying to take in the whole world's needs but in this specific situation, you can try to set that aside and just focus on your family's needs and wants and options.
It sounds as if an abortion would take some time to set up, either scheduling and getting money together for the hush-hush procedure or ordering medication, and you're in a situation where time is precious, so I think I'd advise you to set those wheels in motion. And then while you're waiting, you can keep doing whatever research you would need to feel comfortable that you understand whether there any actual non-scaremongering risks to future pregnancies. (My understanding is that there aren't, but I'm not an expert and you can seek expertise.) If you decide for that reason or any other that you don't want to have the abortion, it's fine - you can cancel the surgery, you can throw away the pills or find out whether you can give them to someone else in a bind. Right now, give yourself the gift of options.
From this outsider's perspective, you don't sound entitled or selfish, or as if you have anything to feel guilty for. I hope you find a way forward that feels right for you.
posted by Stacey at 4:51 AM on November 21, 2019 [3 favorites]
It sounds as if an abortion would take some time to set up, either scheduling and getting money together for the hush-hush procedure or ordering medication, and you're in a situation where time is precious, so I think I'd advise you to set those wheels in motion. And then while you're waiting, you can keep doing whatever research you would need to feel comfortable that you understand whether there any actual non-scaremongering risks to future pregnancies. (My understanding is that there aren't, but I'm not an expert and you can seek expertise.) If you decide for that reason or any other that you don't want to have the abortion, it's fine - you can cancel the surgery, you can throw away the pills or find out whether you can give them to someone else in a bind. Right now, give yourself the gift of options.
From this outsider's perspective, you don't sound entitled or selfish, or as if you have anything to feel guilty for. I hope you find a way forward that feels right for you.
posted by Stacey at 4:51 AM on November 21, 2019 [3 favorites]
It sounds like you do not want to have this baby. I am so sorry that the barriers to abortion are making this decision more complicated than it already is. Women on waves is legit. You have my support and respect. What an incredible difficult position to be in.
posted by pintapicasso at 4:56 AM on November 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by pintapicasso at 4:56 AM on November 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
From an anonymous Mefite:
Hi! I got a medical abortion at 8 weeks when I was in my early 20s because I didn’t want to have a child. If you don’t want to have a child right now, you can have an abortion if you want. This isn’t a matter of deserving or not deserving, this is a choice you get to make about whether or not you want to have a child right now.posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 5:03 AM on November 21, 2019 [13 favorites]
My medical abortion was not a scary or invasive process. I took some pills (a pill?), waited a couple of days, took some others, and then had an unusually heavy and somewhat painful period that wasn’t bad with painkillers. Then I had residual bleeding for a couple weeks, like an extra long period.
My decision wasn’t hard and I don’t regret it, but I won’t presume to know what you feel or to make your decision for you. I just want you to know, abortion is something you can choose if you want. You will join the many, many good women, some people you know, who’ve made the same choice but just don’t talk about it. It shouldn’t affect your fertility. I’ll be thinking good thoughts for you.
I work for a reproductive rights organization. I can also vouch for Women on Waves. As far as ordering pills online, medication abortion pills ordered online are generally safe and effective. An advocacy organization called Plan C has created this "report card" that evaluates online pharmacies which might be helpful for you.
posted by kimdog at 5:27 AM on November 21, 2019 [21 favorites]
posted by kimdog at 5:27 AM on November 21, 2019 [21 favorites]
Order the pills from Women on Web right now. An obgyn above says you can trust them.
If you can't afford to order the pills and then not use them, you can't afford to give birth let alone raise a kid.
If you have them, you don't have to use them. And if you have them in your hand that may provide you with the information you need as to whether you want to use them or not. You may want to throw the pills across the room which is a good indication that you don't want the abortion. You may run to the kitchen for a glass of water to swallow them with, which is a good indication you want the abortion. Or you may just sit there and dither, and not know and not feel an impulse to do anything but freeze. That is okay too. Uncertainty is overwhelming, but often a necessary thing we need to go through, for as long it takes. You don't have to decide this second or the day the pills arrive.
However, once you have the pills you won't run the risk of deciding you definitely can't go through with the pregnancy, and then having to do it anyway.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:37 AM on November 21, 2019 [28 favorites]
If you can't afford to order the pills and then not use them, you can't afford to give birth let alone raise a kid.
If you have them, you don't have to use them. And if you have them in your hand that may provide you with the information you need as to whether you want to use them or not. You may want to throw the pills across the room which is a good indication that you don't want the abortion. You may run to the kitchen for a glass of water to swallow them with, which is a good indication you want the abortion. Or you may just sit there and dither, and not know and not feel an impulse to do anything but freeze. That is okay too. Uncertainty is overwhelming, but often a necessary thing we need to go through, for as long it takes. You don't have to decide this second or the day the pills arrive.
However, once you have the pills you won't run the risk of deciding you definitely can't go through with the pregnancy, and then having to do it anyway.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:37 AM on November 21, 2019 [28 favorites]
Also, if you get the pills and then decide to go through with the pregnancy you will know forever afterwards that your child was definitely a chosen child, not a misfortune you couldn't evade, and that could be good for your mental health and later the child's.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:38 AM on November 21, 2019 [15 favorites]
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:38 AM on November 21, 2019 [15 favorites]
Chiming in as someone that almost aborted an unplanned pregnancy. In my situation, I had an unexpected woo experience that changed my mind, but I think it is incredibly valid to want to terminate a pregnancy if you don't feel well positioned for parenthood and have the capability to modify that timeline. There's no reason to feel guilty about trying to be sure that you can be the most financially and emotionally available parent possible. In this day and age, if you can terminate in a medical facility, there's very little risk of future difficulties with conception, but definitely talk to a doctor more about this as I'm no expert on that aspect.
posted by crunchy potato at 5:53 AM on November 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by crunchy potato at 5:53 AM on November 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
Abortions aren't pie. Your choosing to terminate this pregnancy doesn't prevent people with what you call "actual legitimate reasons" from terminating their pregnancies. Your choosing not to terminate this pregnancy won't help people who are dealing with infertility get pregnant.
I had a surgical abortion in my mid-20s for many of the same reasons you are outlining. It was hands-down the right decision for me and my then-husband.
posted by coppermoss at 5:57 AM on November 21, 2019 [8 favorites]
I had a surgical abortion in my mid-20s for many of the same reasons you are outlining. It was hands-down the right decision for me and my then-husband.
posted by coppermoss at 5:57 AM on November 21, 2019 [8 favorites]
Because I know people who try for years, go through so much blood and tears, to get pregnant
I am one of those people, and I'd like you to know that my situation is not yours. If you choose to terminate, that has no effect on those people - it cannot help or harm them in any way. You can feel grief and guilt and sadness, but don't feel those on behalf of anyone outside your family. This is only about you, your body, your hopes and fears, your relationship, your career. It's not about anyone else and it has no effect on those people's fertility.
And there is no reason to think that you will be one of them if you terminate - that you got pregnant so easily suggests that you might later too - again, no medical impact on your future fertility. People menstruate, have early miscarriages, have abortions, all the time and still get pregnant easily the next time around. Each period is a potential pregnancy, many early pregnancies don't continue - these are all possible paths - but we often aren't aware of them. You are aware of the possibilities now, and that is hard, but every time in the future is another possibility. If you choose to delay, from your body's perspective, it's another egg that was fertilized but didn't stick, but that doesn't mean one won't again in the future.
Since you've told us you don't want to be pregnant, I want to say that's ok! You can want it later and that will be better for your future child. And I want to echo that whichever choice you make will come with grief, they both have opportunity loss. That you feel grief with this decision doesn't mean you wouldn't with the other decision too.
Take care. We're all with you.
posted by epanalepsis at 6:40 AM on November 21, 2019 [14 favorites]
I am one of those people, and I'd like you to know that my situation is not yours. If you choose to terminate, that has no effect on those people - it cannot help or harm them in any way. You can feel grief and guilt and sadness, but don't feel those on behalf of anyone outside your family. This is only about you, your body, your hopes and fears, your relationship, your career. It's not about anyone else and it has no effect on those people's fertility.
And there is no reason to think that you will be one of them if you terminate - that you got pregnant so easily suggests that you might later too - again, no medical impact on your future fertility. People menstruate, have early miscarriages, have abortions, all the time and still get pregnant easily the next time around. Each period is a potential pregnancy, many early pregnancies don't continue - these are all possible paths - but we often aren't aware of them. You are aware of the possibilities now, and that is hard, but every time in the future is another possibility. If you choose to delay, from your body's perspective, it's another egg that was fertilized but didn't stick, but that doesn't mean one won't again in the future.
Since you've told us you don't want to be pregnant, I want to say that's ok! You can want it later and that will be better for your future child. And I want to echo that whichever choice you make will come with grief, they both have opportunity loss. That you feel grief with this decision doesn't mean you wouldn't with the other decision too.
Take care. We're all with you.
posted by epanalepsis at 6:40 AM on November 21, 2019 [14 favorites]
Because those out there with actual legitimate reasons to terminate a pregnancy
You have actual legitimate reasons to terminate a pregnancy. There's not a barrier or a line you need to cross to be "legitimate." You do not want to be pregnant. That is reason enough.
posted by fiercecupcake at 6:51 AM on November 21, 2019 [45 favorites]
You have actual legitimate reasons to terminate a pregnancy. There's not a barrier or a line you need to cross to be "legitimate." You do not want to be pregnant. That is reason enough.
posted by fiercecupcake at 6:51 AM on November 21, 2019 [45 favorites]
Keep in mind you are going through some heavy hormonal stuff right now which (if you're like me) tends to hugely amplify the emotional weight of *everything*. I had SOOO MANY big feelings when I was pregnant. Sometimes I found it helpful to remind myself that it was the hormones giving me those huge intense feelings, and that regular non-pregnant me wouldn't feel the need to lay on the floor and cry about being out of crackers or how much I loved my cat whatever.
That you got pregnant so easily is a good sign about your fertility and your chances to get pregnant again in the future.
Picture all the women in this thread lining up around you and lending our support. You are not alone. Be kind to yourself.
posted by beandip at 6:53 AM on November 21, 2019 [10 favorites]
That you got pregnant so easily is a good sign about your fertility and your chances to get pregnant again in the future.
Picture all the women in this thread lining up around you and lending our support. You are not alone. Be kind to yourself.
posted by beandip at 6:53 AM on November 21, 2019 [10 favorites]
One abortion for reasons that don't involve a medical complication do not have any effect on the future chances of you getting pregnant.
posted by wwax at 7:02 AM on November 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by wwax at 7:02 AM on November 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
Is there any way you can talk to a therapist on short notice? (Maybe one a friend of yours can vouch for as effective?) Even given the time pressure, I think it might be worth trying to work through your feelings with a professional a little more before making a decision. Jane the Brown’s idea of ordering the pills just to have in case is a good one.
posted by sallybrown at 7:28 AM on November 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by sallybrown at 7:28 AM on November 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
So, I have a little different perspective.
My first child was unplanned and frankly, not wanted at that time in my life. I was in my mid twenties, in the BEST shape of my life, my husband and I were just starting to make "real" money and feeling more comfortable. It made no sense to me at all that it would have been a good time to have a child. I was devastated, and felt that way for a long time and frankly didn't even want to talk about my pregnancy the entire time.
That part of my life is one of my biggest regrets. He ended up being my only child I was ever able to have myself, and I will never experience that time in my life again because I could never have anymore children. I now watch pregnancy reveals, gender reveals, birth stories, etc and feel so much regret that I didn't embrace those months of my life. He's now the utter love of my life and YES - it was crazy hard. YES, my life changed so, so much. Financially it was difficult, physically it was hard, it didn't feel like the right time and I felt so selfish. But I am so very thankful for him. He's now 8.
My daughter on the other hand, I adopted. I was 32. We felt mentally and financially ready to do it all over again. But boy, was I wrong. We have struggled a lot and when she was a few months old I remember thinking, "There is literally nothing I could have done to prepare for this. I never really was ready."
My only advice for you is this: You may never feel "ready". There will always be plans for holidays, you'll be making even more money, if you continue on a healthy route you'll always be so proud of your body and no one EVER wants to give it up. But you're not giving it up. You're just putting some things on hold for a while. After the first few years, it gets easier, and all of those things come back.
However, please know I am also 100% pro-choice. It is your body and your life. I believe that with my whole heart. But you have to believe that, too. Just know you're not alone, many of us have felt just like you do.
posted by Sara_NOT_Sarah at 7:42 AM on November 21, 2019 [13 favorites]
My first child was unplanned and frankly, not wanted at that time in my life. I was in my mid twenties, in the BEST shape of my life, my husband and I were just starting to make "real" money and feeling more comfortable. It made no sense to me at all that it would have been a good time to have a child. I was devastated, and felt that way for a long time and frankly didn't even want to talk about my pregnancy the entire time.
That part of my life is one of my biggest regrets. He ended up being my only child I was ever able to have myself, and I will never experience that time in my life again because I could never have anymore children. I now watch pregnancy reveals, gender reveals, birth stories, etc and feel so much regret that I didn't embrace those months of my life. He's now the utter love of my life and YES - it was crazy hard. YES, my life changed so, so much. Financially it was difficult, physically it was hard, it didn't feel like the right time and I felt so selfish. But I am so very thankful for him. He's now 8.
My daughter on the other hand, I adopted. I was 32. We felt mentally and financially ready to do it all over again. But boy, was I wrong. We have struggled a lot and when she was a few months old I remember thinking, "There is literally nothing I could have done to prepare for this. I never really was ready."
My only advice for you is this: You may never feel "ready". There will always be plans for holidays, you'll be making even more money, if you continue on a healthy route you'll always be so proud of your body and no one EVER wants to give it up. But you're not giving it up. You're just putting some things on hold for a while. After the first few years, it gets easier, and all of those things come back.
However, please know I am also 100% pro-choice. It is your body and your life. I believe that with my whole heart. But you have to believe that, too. Just know you're not alone, many of us have felt just like you do.
posted by Sara_NOT_Sarah at 7:42 AM on November 21, 2019 [13 favorites]
I had an abortion 24 years ago, when I was in a relationship with a nice stable man (who I ultimately had two children with after we got married a couple of years later). I could have made it work, my family would have been supportive, he would have been involved. But it was the wrong time in our relationship, and the wrong time for me, and I haven't ever regretted it.
I think the advice about ordering the medication for a medical abortion, and then seeing what you really want to do when you have the means at hand, is very good advice.
posted by LizardBreath at 7:43 AM on November 21, 2019 [5 favorites]
I think the advice about ordering the medication for a medical abortion, and then seeing what you really want to do when you have the means at hand, is very good advice.
posted by LizardBreath at 7:43 AM on November 21, 2019 [5 favorites]
I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I understand your misgivings. But so much of what you've written about your hesitations sound directly lifted from the anti-choice movement's propaganda, and if you're living in a state with practically no access, it's likely you've been hearing those "facts" on so regular a basis that you don't even realize how many of them not only aren't common wisdom, they're not even true.
- As others have stated, it has no proven impact on future fertility.
- It is not selfish or a sign of entitlement that you want to end an unplanned pregnancy that would completely upend your life, potentially risk your health and well-being, and bring an unwanted baby into the world. You've clearly thought this through.
- Your abortion will have zero impact on infertile women who wish they could conceive. For what it's worth, as a woman with (secondary) infertility, I can tell you that seeing happy pregnant women (even in my own family and people I love) is what's hard to see and know about. I don't know how many women I pass on the street have had or are contemplating abortions, and it doesn't impact me regardless - they can't give me their pregnancy. It's like when someone says "you can always adopt..." It's not the same. It doesn't heal the hurt that maybe some part of yourself is broken.
- Women who are or have been in horrific circumstances that lead to the need for abortion are not in any way more worthy or innocent or deserving of having this choice. It doesn't matter why this pregnancy will cause you emotional or intellectual or yes, even financial pain. A baby is a lifelong commitment and completely takes over your life - and that's assuming a normal, healthy baby. Meanwhile Women who give up babies for adoption often suffer emotional repercussions that can last for years.
It's okay to need an abortion. It's okay to want an abortion and not technically need one. It's okay to put yourself and your husband first so that you're better able to be parents for a future child. At six weeks, you're still well within the timeframe that a huge percentage of pregnancies end in miscarriage (ask me how I know) - many many pregnancies are simply not to be. And it's also okay to change your mind and decide to keep the baby after all. This shouldn't be a guilt thing, or a test of your pro-choice bona fides.
Your profile doesn't give your location, but if you're still leery of trusting online prescription help, and you want to take a trip to NYC, I'd be glad to host you so you can go to a clinic here (and I'm guessing I'm not the only one here who will offer for NYC or for other cities that might be closer to you). Just send a MeMail.
posted by my left sock at 8:06 AM on November 21, 2019 [12 favorites]
- As others have stated, it has no proven impact on future fertility.
- It is not selfish or a sign of entitlement that you want to end an unplanned pregnancy that would completely upend your life, potentially risk your health and well-being, and bring an unwanted baby into the world. You've clearly thought this through.
- Your abortion will have zero impact on infertile women who wish they could conceive. For what it's worth, as a woman with (secondary) infertility, I can tell you that seeing happy pregnant women (even in my own family and people I love) is what's hard to see and know about. I don't know how many women I pass on the street have had or are contemplating abortions, and it doesn't impact me regardless - they can't give me their pregnancy. It's like when someone says "you can always adopt..." It's not the same. It doesn't heal the hurt that maybe some part of yourself is broken.
- Women who are or have been in horrific circumstances that lead to the need for abortion are not in any way more worthy or innocent or deserving of having this choice. It doesn't matter why this pregnancy will cause you emotional or intellectual or yes, even financial pain. A baby is a lifelong commitment and completely takes over your life - and that's assuming a normal, healthy baby. Meanwhile Women who give up babies for adoption often suffer emotional repercussions that can last for years.
It's okay to need an abortion. It's okay to want an abortion and not technically need one. It's okay to put yourself and your husband first so that you're better able to be parents for a future child. At six weeks, you're still well within the timeframe that a huge percentage of pregnancies end in miscarriage (ask me how I know) - many many pregnancies are simply not to be. And it's also okay to change your mind and decide to keep the baby after all. This shouldn't be a guilt thing, or a test of your pro-choice bona fides.
Your profile doesn't give your location, but if you're still leery of trusting online prescription help, and you want to take a trip to NYC, I'd be glad to host you so you can go to a clinic here (and I'm guessing I'm not the only one here who will offer for NYC or for other cities that might be closer to you). Just send a MeMail.
posted by my left sock at 8:06 AM on November 21, 2019 [12 favorites]
Just nthing it's not selfish if it's not what you want.
I had an abortion my first year of university, and felt a lot of guilt afterwards (largely due to my partner who was baptist and very conflicted and guilt-ridden), but it was not the right time or partner and I have no regrets except that I got pregnant in the first place. The kind nurse who saw me afterwards noted that getting pregnant easily meant I would likely have no issues when the time was right, and reiterated that there was no damage to my reproductive organs as a result of the procedure. Nearly 20 years later I have an 8 year old who was conceived easily and am pregnant now with a second baby (also conceived easily).
posted by lafemma at 8:39 AM on November 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
I had an abortion my first year of university, and felt a lot of guilt afterwards (largely due to my partner who was baptist and very conflicted and guilt-ridden), but it was not the right time or partner and I have no regrets except that I got pregnant in the first place. The kind nurse who saw me afterwards noted that getting pregnant easily meant I would likely have no issues when the time was right, and reiterated that there was no damage to my reproductive organs as a result of the procedure. Nearly 20 years later I have an 8 year old who was conceived easily and am pregnant now with a second baby (also conceived easily).
posted by lafemma at 8:39 AM on November 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
The selfishness and entitlement are almost unbearable.
Having a child is literally the most selfish thing anyone on this planet can currently do. Remove this BS "women should be fulfilled by having babies" bullshit from your mental math because it is literally a patriarchal lie.
You get to decide when, if ever.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:56 AM on November 21, 2019 [19 favorites]
Having a child is literally the most selfish thing anyone on this planet can currently do. Remove this BS "women should be fulfilled by having babies" bullshit from your mental math because it is literally a patriarchal lie.
You get to decide when, if ever.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:56 AM on November 21, 2019 [19 favorites]
Family planning, as in specifically deciding the plan for your family, in every conceivable aspect, is* a human right. Whatever you choose to do, it's a legitimate choice you get to make regardless of the reasons behind your choices. It is not subjective to the "value" of the reason.
*Should be.
Anecdotally, I know more people who have said, "I wish we hadn't had a baby so soon" than "I am sorry we didn't keep that too-soon pregnancy."
posted by Lyn Never at 9:20 AM on November 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
*Should be.
Anecdotally, I know more people who have said, "I wish we hadn't had a baby so soon" than "I am sorry we didn't keep that too-soon pregnancy."
posted by Lyn Never at 9:20 AM on November 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
To take the other side, the folk wisdom (which in this instance I do credit) says "there's never a good time to have a baby". If you do want children, that is something to keep in mind. If you are lucky you will always have a career and holidays, etc. to look forward to, but life is uncertain.
If you decide to have this baby, don't worry about the therapist's couch. I am old enough to know people who were accidental babies, and they're no worse off than anyone else, often better. I'm a third child myself, and found life easier than did my brother, who came first.
posted by SereneStorm at 9:43 AM on November 21, 2019 [3 favorites]
If you decide to have this baby, don't worry about the therapist's couch. I am old enough to know people who were accidental babies, and they're no worse off than anyone else, often better. I'm a third child myself, and found life easier than did my brother, who came first.
posted by SereneStorm at 9:43 AM on November 21, 2019 [3 favorites]
It's not right to have a child you aren't full-heartedly enthusiastic about having. If you think you can come to some understanding that makes you totally happy to have this child right now, then great, go for it. But if you can't, don't.
posted by value of information at 10:14 AM on November 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by value of information at 10:14 AM on November 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
Ok, so say you go through with the pregnancy. Your career stalls as a result. You spend the rest of your life struggling to hide a simmering sense of resentment that you were not in control of your own life path.
Thinking about your happiness and mental well-being is not selfish. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready.
posted by Ruki at 10:16 AM on November 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
Thinking about your happiness and mental well-being is not selfish. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready.
posted by Ruki at 10:16 AM on November 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
Other answers have addressed this, but to repeat: there is no Law of Conversation of Abortions.
If you have an abortion, that doesn't take one array from someone else who is "more deserving."
posted by medusa at 10:25 AM on November 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
If you have an abortion, that doesn't take one array from someone else who is "more deserving."
posted by medusa at 10:25 AM on November 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
Oh I almost forgot to share this. I had to use a donor egg to get pregnant. Our donor disclosed she had two abortions. This was a reason for us to choose her! I reasoned that someone who could get pregnant twice like that must have good eggs. I got pregnant and had a girl on our first try. She also was a “star” donor and several families have used her eggs. So yeah, the abortion is not going to affect your ability to have future children. But the fact you got pregnant once is a strong indication that you can in the future so please I hope this helps rest your mind on that point.
posted by like_neon at 10:33 AM on November 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by like_neon at 10:33 AM on November 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
I am an accidental child, born in the US when abortions were illegal, and my parents love me dearly - but i have known most of my life that I curtailed both of theirs. And the person who would likely have been born a few years later to more stable people didn’t get to exist. I am pro-choice.
While my mother was pregnant her best friend got pregnant and it would have been an utter disaster. My parents helped her get an abortion and made her my godmother. She has since had a good life and two happy kids.
posted by clew at 10:35 AM on November 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
While my mother was pregnant her best friend got pregnant and it would have been an utter disaster. My parents helped her get an abortion and made her my godmother. She has since had a good life and two happy kids.
posted by clew at 10:35 AM on November 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
Guy here, so I'm at least one step removed from your situation, but my wife and I have two kids.
Kids are hard enough even when you want them. There was a point, about three weeks after each one of them was born, that I would happily have strangled a kitten for a full night's sleep. Hell, give me six hours. Five, in a pinch. Show me the kitten and let's get this over with.
Kids are hugely disruptive in both the best and worst ways.
I would venture to say that most parents who wanted kids have had a moment or two when they said to themselves "What the hell have I done?".
Abortions don't reduce your chance of having another baby. That's a pro-life myth based on, as far as I can tell, absolutely nothing.
You do what is right for you. Your decision shouldn't be based on whether or not other people can have children. It should be about what is right for you now.
The selfishness and entitlement are almost unbearable.
The decision to have a kid is pretty damn selfish, too. It's a combination of ME WANT BABBY and MY GENES ARE SUPER AWESOME AND THERE SHOULD BE MORE OF THEM. Most of us don't have a kid because we calculate that the child will be a net benefit to humanity (although mine are pretty awesome), we have them because we want them.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 11:29 AM on November 21, 2019 [7 favorites]
Kids are hard enough even when you want them. There was a point, about three weeks after each one of them was born, that I would happily have strangled a kitten for a full night's sleep. Hell, give me six hours. Five, in a pinch. Show me the kitten and let's get this over with.
Kids are hugely disruptive in both the best and worst ways.
I would venture to say that most parents who wanted kids have had a moment or two when they said to themselves "What the hell have I done?".
Abortions don't reduce your chance of having another baby. That's a pro-life myth based on, as far as I can tell, absolutely nothing.
You do what is right for you. Your decision shouldn't be based on whether or not other people can have children. It should be about what is right for you now.
The selfishness and entitlement are almost unbearable.
The decision to have a kid is pretty damn selfish, too. It's a combination of ME WANT BABBY and MY GENES ARE SUPER AWESOME AND THERE SHOULD BE MORE OF THEM. Most of us don't have a kid because we calculate that the child will be a net benefit to humanity (although mine are pretty awesome), we have them because we want them.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 11:29 AM on November 21, 2019 [7 favorites]
Its not selfish or entitled or anything else.... The history of birth control and abortion (various attempts of both) go back about as far as humans do. Women (and many men) have been working on this issue of controlling fertility for thousands of years. You having a choice is the dream. So many ancestors would be proud that a woman today, even in a restrictive county, can make that choice for herself - for her career or any other reason that matters to her.
Make the choice you need to.
posted by jrobin276 at 12:11 PM on November 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
Make the choice you need to.
posted by jrobin276 at 12:11 PM on November 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
A different cultural take on the potential grief and guilt surrounding an abortion.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:43 PM on November 21, 2019
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:43 PM on November 21, 2019
My wife and I found out she was pregnant with our first kid when I was making $7 an hour at Best Buy and she was making $12 an hour working at a nursing home. We made it work. In fact, we had four more kids after that one and made due financially as we got better jobs. I'm still not wealthy, but I wouldn't change a thing.
Totally worth it. (The marriage: not so much.)
posted by tacodave at 4:42 PM on November 21, 2019 [3 favorites]
Totally worth it. (The marriage: not so much.)
posted by tacodave at 4:42 PM on November 21, 2019 [3 favorites]
When I was ready to have a child, I knew I was ready. Was I still scared and worried about the future? Sure, but i also knew my husband and I were prepared to deal with it. And no, that doesn't mean it was easy - the future is always uncertain, pregnancy/conception moreso. Looking back I can say "Gosh maybe it would have been convenient to get pregnant on exactly March 21, 2014" but I can't make decisions in hindsight.
My infertility doctor once told me that the best prediction of future fertility is getting pregnant. The only reason why an abortion would cause infertility problems is due to infection, which is treatable if symptoms are monitored for.
I can't make this decision for you, but I can recommend that you and your husband take this opportunity to talk about your life, and what it will look like when you are ready to have kids.
posted by muddgirl at 6:40 PM on November 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
My infertility doctor once told me that the best prediction of future fertility is getting pregnant. The only reason why an abortion would cause infertility problems is due to infection, which is treatable if symptoms are monitored for.
I can't make this decision for you, but I can recommend that you and your husband take this opportunity to talk about your life, and what it will look like when you are ready to have kids.
posted by muddgirl at 6:40 PM on November 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
I am a person of an unplanned, kinda unwanted pregnancy.
I have spent a lot of time in therapy. It isn't the main reason I went to therapy, but it did come up and it helped me to talk through it.
I'm not saying that you should get an abortion because of hypothetical future psychological issues.
Whatever you choose, it'll be the right choice.
posted by kathrynm at 7:02 PM on November 21, 2019
I have spent a lot of time in therapy. It isn't the main reason I went to therapy, but it did come up and it helped me to talk through it.
I'm not saying that you should get an abortion because of hypothetical future psychological issues.
Whatever you choose, it'll be the right choice.
posted by kathrynm at 7:02 PM on November 21, 2019
I kept my first unplanned poorly-timed pregnancy and aborted my third because of it. Having a baby when your life isn't ready for one changes the entire course of your life, including finances. That first baby is nearly 30 and I love him to bits but I know that he, his sister and I all missed important opportunities because of this. The third pregnancy, I occasionally think of. I decided (months later, and only to myself) a gender and a name, and once or twice a year would wistfully think of a person who didn't exist, tracking the age it would have been, but I have never regretted the abortion. It was the best decision for my family and I believe that it was at that point simply a bunch of cells with no capacity for thought or pain.
However, I live in a country where safe abortion is paid for by the government and (at that time) required only that the mother's health (including mental) was at risk by carrying to term. It was an afternoon procedure, with some internal discomfort over the next week.
Given your circumstances, if we were close friends and you asked me for advice, I would recommend you take the safe but expensive procedure, and that anytime you found yourself wondering whether you did the right thing, to reflect on your reasons listed here and your values and beliefs around the freedom to choose.
I hope you find a way to make this decision and that whatever your choice, you are able to be at peace with it.
posted by b33j at 7:38 PM on November 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
However, I live in a country where safe abortion is paid for by the government and (at that time) required only that the mother's health (including mental) was at risk by carrying to term. It was an afternoon procedure, with some internal discomfort over the next week.
Given your circumstances, if we were close friends and you asked me for advice, I would recommend you take the safe but expensive procedure, and that anytime you found yourself wondering whether you did the right thing, to reflect on your reasons listed here and your values and beliefs around the freedom to choose.
I hope you find a way to make this decision and that whatever your choice, you are able to be at peace with it.
posted by b33j at 7:38 PM on November 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
For every woman you know who's been trying for years to get pregnant there's another one of us who never wanted to be pregnant and appreciates our ever-shrinking rights. ❤️
posted by bendy at 4:22 AM on November 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by bendy at 4:22 AM on November 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
I can also vouch for Women on Waves. In addition, post-abortion care is legal in almost every country in the world, which means that if you are one of the rare women who experiences complications or an incomplete abortion after taking medication, you are entitled to medical care.
Women on Waves can help you access country-specific information and guide you through your abortion in such a way that it will be medically indistinguishable from a miscarriage. If you tell a doctor that you had a miscarriage, they will not know that it was induced rather than spontaneous.
posted by oryelle at 12:53 PM on November 22, 2019 [4 favorites]
Women on Waves can help you access country-specific information and guide you through your abortion in such a way that it will be medically indistinguishable from a miscarriage. If you tell a doctor that you had a miscarriage, they will not know that it was induced rather than spontaneous.
posted by oryelle at 12:53 PM on November 22, 2019 [4 favorites]
I kind of think having a baby is not always something that should be decided analytically because it almost never makes good sense to have a baby. Having a baby will always eat up your money and time and "freedom" to do other things, so who would make an analytical decision to do that? Probably not most people. I'm not saying you should necessarily have this baby, but rather I'm saying that it might not be reasonable to expect that in the future you are going to feel a lot different and are going to think "oh now is totally the right time, I'm 100% ready". There's a reasonable chance that that might not ever happen. When you have a baby, you just kind of have to bite the bullet and ignore all the reasons not to have a baby. And then when you have the baby, you cannot imagine life without that child in your life.
posted by Dansaman at 10:10 PM on November 22, 2019
posted by Dansaman at 10:10 PM on November 22, 2019
This thread is closed to new comments.
I had a much-wanted baby just over a year ago and my gosh, I love her so, so hard and I wouldn't change a thing, but it's made me more pro-choice, and pro-abortion than I ever thought it would.
It is so, so hard raising a baby. I honestly believe that the only way to do it without losing yourself or not being the greatest parent, is to want to do it enough that you can use it as your mantra during the toughest times. The idea of people who aren't super into the idea of having a kid, having kids, terrifies me for them.
Furthermore, your feelings on abortion will be muddied by the enormous weight of the traditional attitude to it which is shame, anger, guilt. Women have been made, over decades and centuries, to feel that abortion is an awful thing to do and you have to be truly desperate to do it. How DARE we control our own bodies, our own future.
If you don't want to have a baby, get an abortion, and please imagine all of the feminists who have fought for our right to our own bodily autonomy holding your hands and giving you their strength.
And from a parent who tried for a while for their own baby, and who has loved ones who tried for much longer or are still trying, please know that this is utterly irrelevant to your choice. Do not bring a baby into the world because you feel guilt for those who cannot. It's your choice and yours alone.
Sending you love, take your time to decide, and decide for the right reasons - whatever decision you make, will then be the right one x
posted by greenish at 1:32 AM on November 21, 2019 [117 favorites]