That’s what the money’s for (?)
November 16, 2019 9:19 PM   Subscribe

My excellent clinical psychologist is retiring in December. How do I honour the end of a highly meaningful to me relationship that leaves us both feeling good?

So, I’m ready for it in most ways because over the last (gulp) sixteen years she has been a thorough professional during my times adjusting to difficult health realities, the loss of my career because of these realities, exploring and grieving childhood and ongoing family abuse, and the collapse of my marriage. I feel that she has saved my life. She gave me words and coping mechanisms for all the black things that would leave me suicidal and a mess. Our therapeutic relationship has been the best interpersonal relationship of my life.

In the last few sessions, usually I see her fortnightly, we have discussed how to move on. She’s been fantastic. I have been ... weeping. When I think of it outside of therapy, I am in grief. I’m in touch with why I’m having the emotions, as of course it is a grief process - this has been a singular relationship in my life. She has never let me down, played games, withheld, patronised, criticised etc. She’s done her job better than anyone I can imagine doing her job, certainly far better than previous therapists I’ve seen. And, oh not to be weird, she’s also an extremely cool person, as in she’s a dog person, has fashion flair, has a wicked sense of humour and an earthiness I really admire. I’m going to miss her enormously, even as I am grateful to be standing solidly and ready to end therapy.

She is going to be honoured by her intellectual community as she retires from clinical practice, and because of her outstanding reputation, mentorship and publications, many others will be mourning the loss of her participation and contributions in her area of expertise. I say this to show that she’s a much respected academic as well as practitioner. I’ve been very lucky to have her as my therapist and she will have many farewells in the coming weeks to endure or brave.

I’ve been grappling with how one truly honours this closure. I asked a psychotherapist friend about this - what would be appropriate to give her, or say to show the depth of her influence and my profound gratitude? Maybe because my friend is also a superb therapist, her response was all about honouring *my* feelings and my grief process. I want to give my therapist something but I’m stuck for what or how. Everything seems like a dumb idea and requiring I dunno, more work from her. Eg writing something which requires her to read it and feel like she has to respond.

It is no secret to my therapist that I’m struggling to think of how to honour us, the space, the journey. She’s also expressed her grief at losing me too as she has found it a powerful therapeutic journey.

I’ve been a teacher and a mentor my whole professional life and I’ve had to honour goodbyes and relinquish my charges up to their futures knowing I’ve done a good job of getting them from where they were to where they needed to be. I liked getting a card or a note on their last day or sometime later. This just feels bigger than that.

Have you any ideas for how I can honour this ultimately fulfilling relationship, yet also grief stricken loss in our parting of ways, Metafilter?


Ps and omg shame spiral: would it be really weird to ask to have a photograph together at my last session?
posted by honey-barbara to Human Relations (5 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
It’s hard to imagine anything that would be more meaningful than a hand-written letter that includes much of what you’ve said here. It’s personal, permanent, and so much more profound than a material gift.

If you wanted, you could give a donation in her name to a charity of some kind (maybe dog rescue?) in addition to the letter.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:20 PM on November 16, 2019 [12 favorites]


Yes, I agree about the handwritten letter. If you’re worried that she might feel obligated to respond, you could either write in the letter or say upon giving it to her that no response is required (or even desired, if that feels true).
posted by Illuminated Clocks at 10:53 PM on November 16, 2019 [1 favorite]


I have had a similar therapeutic relationship end. I ended up writing a poem about our time spent together and read it to him, and gave him a copy. I didn't ask to hug him, even though I wanted to, and earlier this year after being out of therapy for 3 years, i went back for a tune up, and in our last session I was able to say that what I really wanted was a hug, and it was sweet and profound and one of the safest feeling moments of my life. I am so glad that I asked, because it was so meaningful, I think for us both. If a photo would be meaningful to you, ask for one - your therapist knows just like you do that this is a safe relationship and if she wasn't comfortable with that she could tell you and it would still be okay. I got my hug and I carry it with me all the time.
posted by fairlynearlyready at 11:05 PM on November 16, 2019 [9 favorites]


I think a photograph would be lovely! Something personal and meaningful is best - a handwritten letter is always appropriate. A poem or a handmade card are also nice if you are more artistically inclined.
posted by metahawk at 9:01 PM on November 17, 2019


Write her a letter. She'll keep it, and it will always be meaningful. We all want to have had a meaningful and productive life. I can't think of a better testament to that than a letter saying what I meant to someone else. Would you like to receive a letter like that? I sure would!
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 8:23 AM on November 18, 2019


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