Three couples; brunch; is this weird?
November 1, 2019 4:27 PM   Subscribe

I want to hang out again with neighbors that I met at another neighbor's birthday brunch. I am not especially skilled at making new friends, and I'm asking you to be my external brain because I'm not sure what's appropriate here.

Two weekends ago I attended the brunch of my new friend from school who is also my neighbor (friend A). I have hung out one-on-one together with this new friend a few times now, and it feels pleasant and relaxed. Everyone at brunch was lovely, but I found myself talking to one couple in particular, who also live on the same block as me and my new friend, and have many similar interests. Neighbor B and Friend A have been close friends of several years. Neighbor B and I talked until the end of the party, and at the end, the new person (neighbor B) said they hoped we saw each other again. I said "We live so close! I bet we'll run into each other at the grocery store or the park!" and neighbor B said "Hopefully we'll see each other before that happens."

I added neighbor B on social media and they added me back.

I would like to hang out with neighbor B and their partner, but I'm not sure what the most appropriate way to approach this is. Three options I have thought of are:

a) Inviting friend A and partner over to our house for brunch and saying, "Would you like to invite Neighbor B and their partner? It was so lovely to meet them and I'd like to hang out again."

b) Saying directly to friend A: "It was lovely to meet Neighbor B. Can we try to all hang out again?"

c) Contacting Neighbor B on social media and say "It was lovely to meet you. Would you and your partner like to have brunch with us?"

Do you see advantages or disadvantages to each of these approaches? Are any of them creepy?

Additional data:
Friend A, Neighbor B, and my partner are all transmasculine people, and their partners (and me) are all femmes. I don't want to seem like I'm hitting on Neighbor B, but it's really nice to start to feel like I have a community of other couples like us, with similar interests (we are all academics and healthcare professionals in similar fields). One of my exes is good friends with Friend A and Neighbor B as well. We're all in our early thirties and doing things like getting married, having babies, and acquiring puppies.

I have always dreamed of having a sense of community where I had warm, casual relationships with people who lived nearby who had similar values and lifestyles. I don't want to come off as too intense because I'm chasing this dream so hard.
posted by unstrungharp to Human Relations (16 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
You don't need to contact them through friend A. They expressed interest in hanging out. Invite them directly. It's not weird. If anything, going through A when you have B's contact details is a little weird.
posted by lollusc at 4:38 PM on November 1, 2019 [17 favorites]

Are you also friends with A on social media? Make a group chat with A and B, say "Brunch was so fun! Let's do it again. Bring your partners, my place, how's Sunday at 10?"

None of your approaches are creepy but some are far less direct than others. Ask for what you want!
posted by aw jeez at 4:38 PM on November 1, 2019 [24 favorites]

Invite Neighbours A and neighbours B and let them know the others are invited too. "Hi B, we'd love to have you and A to brunch on Sunday; please let me know if you guys can make it!"
posted by DarlingBri at 4:38 PM on November 1, 2019 [5 favorites]

I'm not friends with Friend A on social media - I don't use the platform they use.
posted by unstrungharp at 4:41 PM on November 1, 2019

I think whatever genders and sexualities are involved, it's very rare that you'll be seen as hitting on someone if you invite them and their partner over. I can't see anything weird in any of your plans, but I think the simplest one is best: invite each couple directly. Just message whichever half of the couple you're more connected with and say "I feel like making omelets Sunday at 11. Can you both come?" or whatever.
posted by fritley at 4:41 PM on November 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

If you invite B over, A might well here about it. There doesn't need to be any weirdness about that but since your friendship with A is fairly new, I would follow DarlingBri and invite both of them to hang out at the same time. If one can come and other can't you are free to meet with whoever is free and schedule something different with the couple that is not.
posted by metahawk at 5:08 PM on November 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

I should specify: one thing that I am anxious about is that I have made the overture of adding Neighbor B on social media. They haven't contacted me since then, they just added me back. Is the ball in their court now? Should I wait for them to initiate contact? Am I overthinking?
posted by unstrungharp at 5:10 PM on November 1, 2019

You are over thinking.
Maybe they're thinking something similar? Who knows?

People like friends. People like being liked.
Ask them to brunch.
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 5:12 PM on November 1, 2019 [22 favorites]

Send them a group message so they know they’re all invited and whose going, mention that you really enjoyed hanging out and you’d like to host next if they’re up for it and then suggest a weekend. Simples!
posted by Jubey at 5:27 PM on November 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

Can't send a group message - we're not all on the same social media platform.
posted by unstrungharp at 5:39 PM on November 1, 2019

You can send them the same message, one via text and one via Facebook or whatever your setup is, and at the end say "I'm also sending this to so-and-so, but by text" or "by Facebook."
posted by The corpse in the library at 5:49 PM on November 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

What I would do is just plan a dinner or game night or barbecue, or whatever gathering is appropriate for your locale and weather (if all else fails, dinner--make a big pot of spaghetti) and invite both of them.

If you can, copy everyone on an email. If not, send separate messages through separate social media that says, "I'd love to have you and [partner] and B and [Bpartner] over for dinner sometime soon! Are you free next Thursday or Friday?"

That's it. It's not necessary, but nice, to include the person who introduced you in your next social get together with a new friend. After that you can hang out with them together or separately. And if A can't make it you can still have B over, though it would be nice to get together with A soon, too.

Adding someone on social media does not change whose court the ball is in; adding doesn't count as communication. It sounds clear you guys clicked--reaching out is a very good move right now.
posted by gideonfrog at 6:02 PM on November 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

It’s ok to overthink things, but you really don’t need to do that here. If you want to hang out with people, invite them. The very worst thing that can happen is they say no.

I would message everyone on the platform of their choice saying something like, “thinking of doing a brunch on X date, does that work for everyone?”. I’m super insecure so would add that I’m flexible with dates and maybe include a few more options.

Some people make plans and some people wait to be included in plans. There is nothing wrong with being either way, but if you like people and want to hang out with them more, there’s not a lot of people that would be mad about you asking.
posted by elvissa at 6:07 PM on November 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

It’s not weird at all! But I’d do it a specific way (not that you have to):

I would say to Friend A via whatever means you use to keep in touch (in person, email, whatever), “hey, I had so much fun at your party and talking to Neighbor B. Partner & I are going to host a dinner party and we want to invite you four—which weekend night next month works best for you?”

Once you pick a date, I’d contact Neighbor B and say “Partner and I had so much fun talking to you guys at Friend A’s party - we’re having a dinner party on [date] with Friend A & Partner and would love it if you two would join us.” If Neighbor B doesn’t want to hang out, they can just turn you down; if they really can’t come but do want to hang out in the future, they can suggest other plans or include you on plans in the future.

You made the overture to Neighbor B by adding them on social media, but B returned the overture by accepting your friend request, so no one has the “upper hand” (so to speak) and you’re on even footing now. I would just want to include Friend A as the “glue.”
posted by sallybrown at 7:05 PM on November 1, 2019 [14 favorites]

I can't remember, maybe I read it in a Miss Manners column years ago, but I always thought it was a general bit of etiquette that if you meet Person B socially through Person A, then the first time you invite Person B to something social you should also invite Person A. Anyway it seems like a nice guideline to stick to even if it's not universally followed.
posted by Umami Dearest at 9:12 PM on November 1, 2019 [7 favorites]

If you are a bit socially anxious, it can be easier to have a reason to invite people over. We got a new grill, new giant teevee, great new board game, It's %Cultural Holiday that we celebrate, We always make a big Sunday Brunch, invite friend A, contact friends B (email, text, phone, etc.) and say It was fun meeting you, please join us.

Some people have an established friend/family group and don't have more time for more new friends, no matter how absolutely wonderful you are, so if they are too busy a few times, don't feel bad, it's almost certainly not an issue with you, just a circumstance.
posted by theora55 at 12:42 PM on November 2, 2019 [1 favorite]

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