Is there any consolation?
October 31, 2019 8:00 PM Subscribe
10 years have passed. Just learned my ex is remarried.i haven't even dated. How to not feel like a total loser?
They dumped me.I haven't even been able to think of loving someone else. Everyone else seems to move on. is there a stuck on monogamous gender?
They dumped me.I haven't even been able to think of loving someone else. Everyone else seems to move on. is there a stuck on monogamous gender?
I know how you feel, but try to remember that relationships are a.not mandatory and b.not a competition. Being in one doesn't prove anything about your worth.
If you really do feel stuck on this person maybe it's time to do some work ( with therapist or otherwise) on that for your own sake. Not so you can get someone else but to be ok whatever you decide to do.
posted by emjaybee at 8:08 PM on October 31, 2019 [13 favorites]
If you really do feel stuck on this person maybe it's time to do some work ( with therapist or otherwise) on that for your own sake. Not so you can get someone else but to be ok whatever you decide to do.
posted by emjaybee at 8:08 PM on October 31, 2019 [13 favorites]
I’ve been on one date in the 16 years since my divorce, and that was just to verify that I really didn’t want to be dating.
It’s not that I can’t move on from the marriage, it’s that having been married I can now say openly and definitively that it’s not worth the headache for me. Is it possible you’ve reached someplace similar but are looking backward rather than embracing it?
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:52 PM on October 31, 2019 [28 favorites]
It’s not that I can’t move on from the marriage, it’s that having been married I can now say openly and definitively that it’s not worth the headache for me. Is it possible you’ve reached someplace similar but are looking backward rather than embracing it?
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 8:52 PM on October 31, 2019 [28 favorites]
You could be stuck. Are you stuck on the idea that you can only love one person and that person is the person who divorced you? Or are you perhaps sad that your ex has something that you want, which is a loving relationship and a partner? What is it that you actually want?
If it is to be with your ex, that is obviously unrealistic. If it is to find a companion or a lover or a partner or spouse, well, many people find those things and you may be able to find it as well. But that requires intention and action. Thinking of yourself as a loser is not a promising approach. For sure you get to feel your feels, but try not to turn any sorrow or anger against yourself by calling yourself names. That is a very easy and human thing to do, but you deserve more respect and love than that. Even and especially from yourself.
Personally, I would like to have a loving companion in my life but over the past couple of years my efforts have not succeeded. And now I’m in a situation in which I need a lot of energy to focus on other important goals. So I would encourage you to consider what your goals are, all of them, including in the love and romance department. Also to remember that we don’t have control over outcomes, only on our efforts. You can make your very best effort to find a partner and still may end up alone. That will not make you a loser, that will simply make you human.
Take Donald Trump. That guy is a horrible human being by nearly any measure and he is married. Please reframe the situation if you can. Your status as single as partnered is not a referendum on your value as a person. Therapy has helped me greatly; do check it out if you can.
posted by Bella Donna at 3:06 AM on November 1, 2019 [13 favorites]
If it is to be with your ex, that is obviously unrealistic. If it is to find a companion or a lover or a partner or spouse, well, many people find those things and you may be able to find it as well. But that requires intention and action. Thinking of yourself as a loser is not a promising approach. For sure you get to feel your feels, but try not to turn any sorrow or anger against yourself by calling yourself names. That is a very easy and human thing to do, but you deserve more respect and love than that. Even and especially from yourself.
Personally, I would like to have a loving companion in my life but over the past couple of years my efforts have not succeeded. And now I’m in a situation in which I need a lot of energy to focus on other important goals. So I would encourage you to consider what your goals are, all of them, including in the love and romance department. Also to remember that we don’t have control over outcomes, only on our efforts. You can make your very best effort to find a partner and still may end up alone. That will not make you a loser, that will simply make you human.
Take Donald Trump. That guy is a horrible human being by nearly any measure and he is married. Please reframe the situation if you can. Your status as single as partnered is not a referendum on your value as a person. Therapy has helped me greatly; do check it out if you can.
posted by Bella Donna at 3:06 AM on November 1, 2019 [13 favorites]
Forgot to say that I am doing everything I can to be the companion to myself that I want while also seeking to meet new people. That’s how you start, by meeting new people. You don’t need to start by thinking of loving someone else. That’s something that will happen down the road if it is meant to be. Start with small steps. If you have no or a few friends in your life, start by making new friends and then work your way up to dating. Because one or more good friends makes anyone’s life much better. Practice being a good friend to the friends you already have as well. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 3:12 AM on November 1, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by Bella Donna at 3:12 AM on November 1, 2019 [4 favorites]
Instead of comparing yourself to just one person (your ex), compare yourself to lots of people: you’re not the only one out there who feels the way you do. You’re not the only one out there who isn’t dating.
If you want to be dating, go ahead and be open to that possibility. But if you’re not, it is okay to not date.
posted by sciencegeek at 3:50 AM on November 1, 2019 [3 favorites]
If you want to be dating, go ahead and be open to that possibility. But if you’re not, it is okay to not date.
posted by sciencegeek at 3:50 AM on November 1, 2019 [3 favorites]
Hm... here's one ... perhaps immature .... way to handle it....
One approach is to see marriage as a stupid trap that's been sold to us as a goal...you escaped! You're the one who got away! Occasionally when I feel heartbroken and single, I always find myself reframing as, "oboy but at least I'm not married."
And when I feel lonely I think "this loneliness is delightful compared to feeling lonely in a loveless marriage"
One thing that your ex doesn't have: the opportunity for new loves, new kisses, starting over every day, exploring the changes in dating over the last 10 years.... there's lots for you out there. You're not a loser... you're recharging and growing and being whole without (sorry) being shackled to another person until one of you dies. It's a matter of perspective to some degree....
posted by Dressed to Kill at 4:52 AM on November 1, 2019 [9 favorites]
One approach is to see marriage as a stupid trap that's been sold to us as a goal...you escaped! You're the one who got away! Occasionally when I feel heartbroken and single, I always find myself reframing as, "oboy but at least I'm not married."
And when I feel lonely I think "this loneliness is delightful compared to feeling lonely in a loveless marriage"
One thing that your ex doesn't have: the opportunity for new loves, new kisses, starting over every day, exploring the changes in dating over the last 10 years.... there's lots for you out there. You're not a loser... you're recharging and growing and being whole without (sorry) being shackled to another person until one of you dies. It's a matter of perspective to some degree....
posted by Dressed to Kill at 4:52 AM on November 1, 2019 [9 favorites]
IANYT but: My best guess here is that you have core beliefs about yourself (that you're not worthy of relationships, that you're not lovable - I don't really know what your core beliefs are, but these are common ones) which inform situation specific beliefs ("I will never love anyone else"; "No one else will ever love me"; "I'm a loser because I'm not in a relationship and my ex is") which inform automatic thoughts that make you feel like shit ("I'm a loser"; "This news is devastating"; "I am a lesser person then my ex" etc etc).
Go to a cognitive behavioural therapist and work on this specific issue. Find one that you have a decent rapport with in the first session. Ask them for a treatment plan that addresses the issue in not less than six and not more than twenty-two sessions. Don't spend too much time meandering around other issues.
posted by unstrungharp at 9:51 AM on November 1, 2019
Go to a cognitive behavioural therapist and work on this specific issue. Find one that you have a decent rapport with in the first session. Ask them for a treatment plan that addresses the issue in not less than six and not more than twenty-two sessions. Don't spend too much time meandering around other issues.
posted by unstrungharp at 9:51 AM on November 1, 2019
My immediate thought before reading below-the-fold was to suggest what my reaction would be: "Oh, somebody ELSE is stuck with that schmuck. Better them than me."
I understand that's very not where your feelings are with respect to your ex, but I do think you and I have one thing in common: a sense that we're competing with the ex somehow.
I'm willing to let mine go for now (less than a year since the divorce; I'm still letting the occasional bit of mild malice happen without self-critique over it). If you think this is a momentary feels flareup, you might do similarly... but I don't get the sense it is? Which suggests that defusing the competitiveness somehow might be worthwhile.
posted by humbug at 1:48 PM on November 1, 2019
I understand that's very not where your feelings are with respect to your ex, but I do think you and I have one thing in common: a sense that we're competing with the ex somehow.
I'm willing to let mine go for now (less than a year since the divorce; I'm still letting the occasional bit of mild malice happen without self-critique over it). If you think this is a momentary feels flareup, you might do similarly... but I don't get the sense it is? Which suggests that defusing the competitiveness somehow might be worthwhile.
posted by humbug at 1:48 PM on November 1, 2019
Hey, lots of great advice above, and I agree your question has an undertone of "I'm a loser" which a professional can help you to unpick why you feel that way.
However, a moment of sympathy for you, and a glimmer of hope. Not identical situation, but a while back I had A Particular Year in which three (3!) of my exes got either engaged or married, and one had a kid. I was, at the time, in the last year of a relationship in its death throes, and to be honest hearing about those exes all in that year felt like it was the set up for some sort of Bridget Jones type novel.
Anyway if it had been, it had a happy ending, because that relationship ending was the shake-up I needed to make some changes in my life, and I met someone awesome a while later who is now my husband.
Perhaps hearing this news is something that will push you to think about what you're happy with in your life right now, and what you're not. Many things that seem bad at the time can be a gift - I wonder what might be the gift hidden in this for you?
posted by greenish at 7:23 AM on November 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
However, a moment of sympathy for you, and a glimmer of hope. Not identical situation, but a while back I had A Particular Year in which three (3!) of my exes got either engaged or married, and one had a kid. I was, at the time, in the last year of a relationship in its death throes, and to be honest hearing about those exes all in that year felt like it was the set up for some sort of Bridget Jones type novel.
Anyway if it had been, it had a happy ending, because that relationship ending was the shake-up I needed to make some changes in my life, and I met someone awesome a while later who is now my husband.
Perhaps hearing this news is something that will push you to think about what you're happy with in your life right now, and what you're not. Many things that seem bad at the time can be a gift - I wonder what might be the gift hidden in this for you?
posted by greenish at 7:23 AM on November 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
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posted by bluedaisy at 8:06 PM on October 31, 2019 [7 favorites]