Help relieving disproportionate stress

October 29, 2019 3:10 PM

I started a new job about 9 months ago and gradually since then my mental health completely tanked - over the summer was crying half the work day / lying motionless all weekend on the couch. I'm doing better now but still maybe 70% of my energy goes towards damage control / existence maintenance. The thing is, job is totally fine and nothing stressful is even happening. Help me figure out how to have a less severe reaction to daily life.

So possibly relevant background is that I burned out of a very bad, emotionally manipulative workplace 2 years ago and took some time off to recover and work on my second, creative career, which I love but is not going to pay the bills. I went back to a day job earlier this year, and although this new spot is great - reasonable, balanced, smart & nice people, I'm reacting to it with panic and fear on a daily basis.

There's probably a few factors as to why this is hard for me, and certainly more I am not considering. One is leftover feelings from the toxic company or even earlier jobs (I can't remember ever liking a job or being less than completely stressed about it, in fact I only recently learned that not everyone feels this way). One is frustration I have chosen a job that is challenging in a field I don't super care about AND do my passion stuff at night - more than I intended to take on. I also miss the not having a schedule and the freedom to be able to disappear for a week or two – that always relieves the pressure for me and I don't love where I live. These are all things that logically I have come to accept, but I can't seem to get my body to feel that this is not a forever situation, or that there are many other great aspects to both my job and my life overall right now. I am not even 100% certain this is work caused, but it did seem to coincide timing wise with the job and does tend to be worse when I work and then be better if I'm off for a while. But maybe it's more that I just can't deal with even minor amounts of stress and work is the only stress creator in my life at the moment.

To get to this point from zombie-on-the-couch I have done a lot of meditation/mindfulness, am in therapy, exercise (yoga & dancing help the most), taken a couple vacations, read books (self compassion/burnout related), discussed in depth with friends / partner and distracted myself at times with other stuff. I feel like I've come a long way and I am trying to be patient with myself, but it does feel a bit unnecessary. Like I wake up every day, try and convince myself to leave bed for a while (each step of getting ready in the morning requires a separate internal pep talk), often openly cry on my commute to work bc holding it in seems like a lot of effort, and then throughout the day go through a cycle of emotional overwhelm for no reason, notice that I'm getting overwhelmed which helps it subside for a bit, continue on my day, 5 mins later another round of immense overwhelm occurs and I notice it again and let it go, etc. etc. The overwhelm isn't usually even accompanied by anxious thoughts - it's very physical. Like constant PMS x100. I do my best with sleeping enough but have a lot of nightmares which make it feel not super restful.

I would like to re-engage with my life instead of managing this for so many of my waking hours, and actually experience things again. I want to do my job and then go home and forget about it and work on my other stuff, hang out with my friends, etc. – this seems like not too much to ask. I am running out of ideas here and could use some outside perspective, especially if you have been through something like this before. Thank you!

posted by internet of pillows to Health & Fitness (15 answers total)

Look. You are doing everything you can do and trying your best. I think it's about time to bring in outside help. I see you're in therapy but have you considered better living through chemistry (i.e., trying some psychiatric drugs)? When I feel the way you do, it's a sign to me (finally, after much flailing about) that my meds need to be adjusted.

It's not giving up, it's just another tool in the toolbox.
posted by fiercecupcake at 3:15 PM on October 29, 2019 [11 favorites]

You don't mention medication. You're describing classic symptoms of depression, which would be a completely unsurprising thing neurochemically after the stress and upheaval of a traumatic workplace and uncertainty of a career shift. You may need to talk to your therapist about targeting that trauma for one thing, but also about speaking to a doctor about maybe trying six months or so on one of the starter antidepressants.

If you are already doing that, maybe have a check-in with your prescriber for a dosage review, and also make sure your therapist understands that you are having quality-of-life-affecting anxiety cycles, difficulty being motivated to do routine tasks, and physically-presenting stress symptoms. They may not realize you're having daily life issues to this extent, and it may be worth writing out an outline of everything you've described here and take it in for a review.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:18 PM on October 29, 2019 [4 favorites]

I agree that you should be evaluated for depression (and/or PTSD, if there is other trauma in your past), and that you might want to stay open to the idea of medication to help in treating it. Does your therapist know the extent of your symptoms? Have they given you a diagnosis?
posted by lazuli at 4:09 PM on October 29, 2019 [2 favorites]

Let me be another person saying "Wow, that sounds *exactly* like the biological depressions I have suffered."
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 4:21 PM on October 29, 2019

I would also suggest a comprehensive physical combined with getting your various levels checked. You may very well have some health issues that could be throwing your stuff out of whack, and emotional regulation disturbances are a symptom of several fixable problems. Low iron, low B, thyroid out of whack, could be lots of stuff. These problems can pop up particularly if you spent a period burning the candle at both ends and going through a lot of stress. I went through a similar health crash after being crazy-busy at work while finishing my capstone for my degree, and wasn’t getting nearly enough sleep/living on junk and caffeine. Surprise surprise, bodies don’t do so hot with that.

Getting a snapshot of where your body’s at right now is a good first step. You went through a tough time and it took a toll on you, maybe a bigger one than you initially thought. Worth getting it looked at.
posted by Autumnheart at 4:57 PM on October 29, 2019 [4 favorites]

As other say it's definitely worth looking into medication changes. I've been going through something similar and shifting my antidepressants helped a lot with the emotional side of this, it made it much easier to get the practical stuff done that I needed to get done, and significantly lowered the stress-related physical effects. I haven't had a random emotional breakdown in the last few months.

On the cognitive/thought side, I will just add that there are a lot of people like us who feel this way after having a traumatic job experience, you are far from alone. As you say you've come a long way and it sounds like you're still making progress. Some people I've talked to just kind of spontaneously get over these issues after a few years, others have needed some sort of "big change" to happen to convince their brain that things are actually different then they were when the trauma was happening. It seems to be different for everyone I've talked to, but people do eventually recover.
posted by JZig at 5:31 PM on October 29, 2019

I felt like this when I had a desk job for a superficial and emotionally abusive company. I think it was a combo of chemical depression plus a bad fit that created a feedback loop of feeling Shitty, making Shitty life choices, feeling shitty, making shitty life choices.

My bad choices were isolating from friends, terrible diet, no sleep, no sunshine, no exercise, caring about work too much, dating assholes, and too many happy hour cocktails (and note that “too many” isn’t necessarily a lot- for me personally, wanting to drink more than 2 drinks a week is a sign of a problem).

It all drained me and made me feel lonely, avoidant, exhausted, dread-filled, and sucked dry of all life. I took a leap and quit the office part, worked remotely on a few projects, joined a rec sports team, and threw myself into a major creative project. The depression went away within weeks.

My question for myself was: Is it still depression when your life legitimately IS depressing? If you need to beg your body to go to work, maybe you should just quit.

We only get one life! Don’t grind yours away doing shit you hate!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:05 PM on October 29, 2019 [4 favorites]

this is also something i associate with disability needs not being accomodated and being continuously out of spoons trying to compensate. for me, especially in workplaces, this shows up as environments that don't mesh with my adhd/autism needs.
posted by gaybobbie at 7:50 PM on October 29, 2019 [3 favorites]

Just to throw out there: There's no actual distinction, in the diagnostic manual or in brain scans or in anything else, about "biological" or "chemical" depression versus "situational" depression. Things that are hard and traumatic fuck your brain up, more so if there's a genetic predisposition to being fucked up. Don't get stuck in a cycle of trying to decipher if you have "real" depression either way.

Psychiatric conditions are diagnosed based on symptoms and durations, not causes.

Good treatment will focus on causes, not just symptoms.
posted by lazuli at 8:58 PM on October 29, 2019 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks all for your perspectives, and using some of the vocabulary I've been lacking to describe what's going on.

To clarify, I have never been on meds – I'm not categorically against them but I thought that's a thing your therapist tells you if they think it might be useful. I guess I need to just ask about it? Similarly with an "official" diagnosis. The idea my therapist may not know the extent of my symptoms is disturbing but I suppose possible – I feel like I'm always complaining about not being able to deal with daily life and have called in an emergency phone session before. However the conversation does tend towards uncovering deeper stuff and feels like a long-game of putting the puzzle pieces together.
posted by internet of pillows at 10:44 PM on October 29, 2019

The overwhelm isn't usually even accompanied by anxious thoughts - it's very physical. Like constant PMS x100.

I've had some success relieving this kind of body stress and anxiety with magnesium.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 2:28 AM on October 30, 2019 [2 favorites]

Could you investigate working part time at the new job so you are able to balance your creative career with the demands of learning a new job without burning out? Even one day off per week or fortnight might ease the sense of having too much on your plate.
posted by EatMyHat at 3:11 AM on October 30, 2019

Most therapists are not physicians and therefore cannot make diagnoses or recommend medications. It's outside their scope of practice; conversely most physicians can't do therapy.

You could ask them if they think seeing a doctor* about this and exploring medications would help. Given that most studies show that a combo of meds and therapy work better than either alone, I imagine their answer would be yes.

* Does not necessarily mean a psychiatrist, even, as wait times can be long depending on your location and insurance. A PCP should be able to get you started, including labs to make sure nothing else is going on.
posted by basalganglia at 3:50 AM on October 30, 2019 [7 favorites]

However the conversation does tend towards uncovering deeper stuff and feels like a long-game of putting the puzzle pieces together.

Last year, when I hit a really low point, I finally got meds (which are amazing - I can't believe I resisted for years).

I also got practical therapy. I had previously tried CBT but didn't find it too helpful, so I tried DBT and I really liked the focus on skill building and accepting emotions. I did not have any of the issues that DBT is usually recommended to treat (bipolar, self-harm, substance abuse) but it was nonetheless very beneficial for me as it taught me what emotions are for, and how to regulate them better.

I had previously done the straight talk-uncover-the-stuff therapy and got frustrated with rehashing old news and not making any progress. I still have a bit of talk therapy in individual sessions but it is much more focussed and productive.
posted by girlpublisher at 6:27 AM on October 30, 2019 [3 favorites]

Most therapists are not physicians and therefore cannot make diagnoses

This is a common misconception. Licensed therapists have studied psychopathology and diagnosing clients is well within our scope of practice, and is in fact required by most insurance companies if they are paying for the treatment. Therapists are just often shitty at explaining their diagnoses to clients, and may not diagnose clients who are private pay.

Therapists cannot recommend particular medications, no, but should be suggesting an evaluation by a physician when it seems like that would be appropriate. (Therapists also study basic psychopharmacology.) There are some therapists, however, who are staunchly anti-med, which can be harmful to clients.

So talk to your therapist about how you're feeling and how much it is affecting your daily functioning. If they don't recommend a med eval, or seem twitchy about medications in general, you can certainly go to your primary-care doctor or to a psychiatrist for a medical evaluation even without an explicit recommendation from your therapist.
posted by lazuli at 10:38 AM on October 30, 2019 [1 favorite]