Disappointed Millennial to Despairing Doomer
October 11, 2019 12:01 PM Subscribe
It's the Millennial from this question. Five years later, I've gone from disappointment to out-and-out despair. I'm not sure how to move forward.
I get up, take my antidepressants, go to work, cook, clean. On the plus side, I no longer feel like I'm "doing it wrong" because it seems like everyone's lot in life has become worse, except for that of the ultra-wealthy. But I'm losing hope, losing any sense that the future will be better than the present and not much, MUCH worse. We've decided not to have children. For me, a lot of this decision came down to not wanting to inflict this world on anyone.
Our lives remain comfortable (if precarious). We're still luckier than most. But the sense of the big picture is crushing what sense of joy or motivation I once had to put disciplined effort into my field, or plan for the future. I'm losing the will to work on anything creative because it seems pointless, vapid or futile.
I get frustrated with most advice that consists of either, "Don't think about it!" or "Volunteer!" I'm already working full time, doing most of the cooking and housework, donating money, work and time to causes I care about, and generally trying to keep busy. But I still feel essentially doomed.
If this has happened to you and you've come out of it, can you help me?
I get up, take my antidepressants, go to work, cook, clean. On the plus side, I no longer feel like I'm "doing it wrong" because it seems like everyone's lot in life has become worse, except for that of the ultra-wealthy. But I'm losing hope, losing any sense that the future will be better than the present and not much, MUCH worse. We've decided not to have children. For me, a lot of this decision came down to not wanting to inflict this world on anyone.
Our lives remain comfortable (if precarious). We're still luckier than most. But the sense of the big picture is crushing what sense of joy or motivation I once had to put disciplined effort into my field, or plan for the future. I'm losing the will to work on anything creative because it seems pointless, vapid or futile.
I get frustrated with most advice that consists of either, "Don't think about it!" or "Volunteer!" I'm already working full time, doing most of the cooking and housework, donating money, work and time to causes I care about, and generally trying to keep busy. But I still feel essentially doomed.
If this has happened to you and you've come out of it, can you help me?
I stopped thinking about a specific "future" so much since, honestly, you may not even make it through the next ten years with any semblance of health. I spend time in nature, find joy in little things and those in my immediate surroundings, I work on my art for the joy it brings me rather than some overarching sense of trying to "make it" for others or the world at large, I tuned out of social media and other internet noise. I mean honestly, you are "doomed" automatically in that you will die. Your mammal brain is feeling primed for earlier death given the world around it (climate change, wars, etc) is seemingly dying, but honestly, you will probably feel be fine until some sort of natural cause of death. Build a life full of experiences and beauty with those you hold dear, seek out beauty and what makes you feel good, protect what is important to you and (if you're inclined) whatever community you blend with, don't question an overarching "destiny" or "future" as it relates to the world at large because, honestly, there isn't one and if there was no one, including you or even those you consider in power, controls it.
posted by Young Kullervo at 12:16 PM on October 11, 2019 [13 favorites]
posted by Young Kullervo at 12:16 PM on October 11, 2019 [13 favorites]
It sounds like some Buddhism would do you good. The most simple main idea is to be present. Right here. Right now. Don't think about the future or the big picture so much, enjoy today and the little things - having a nice meal with your partner, reading a book uninterrupted for a few hours, or pursuing a hobby.
When we look too much to the future, we project and we form expectations and when our expectations don't pan out, we're miserable. That was my cycle until I broke it. As someone in her mid-50's who did not go the conventional route (single/no children) things got much better for me when I started reading and learning about Buddhist practices such as mindful meditation. It has helped me tremendously with finding perspective and getting down to what is really important in life, and realizing my route was just right for me. Yeah, I still get freaked out about the big picture every now and then, but its a lot less often and I'm finding joy where I never expected it before in the smallest of things. Good luck to you.
posted by NoraCharles at 12:53 PM on October 11, 2019 [19 favorites]
When we look too much to the future, we project and we form expectations and when our expectations don't pan out, we're miserable. That was my cycle until I broke it. As someone in her mid-50's who did not go the conventional route (single/no children) things got much better for me when I started reading and learning about Buddhist practices such as mindful meditation. It has helped me tremendously with finding perspective and getting down to what is really important in life, and realizing my route was just right for me. Yeah, I still get freaked out about the big picture every now and then, but its a lot less often and I'm finding joy where I never expected it before in the smallest of things. Good luck to you.
posted by NoraCharles at 12:53 PM on October 11, 2019 [19 favorites]
If you zoom out, life sucks. If you live one day at a time it is easier to tolerate. I live one day at a time as much as possible for this reason. Mindfulness practices help me to do so.
posted by crunchy potato at 12:53 PM on October 11, 2019 [14 favorites]
posted by crunchy potato at 12:53 PM on October 11, 2019 [14 favorites]
When do you feel okay? Like, I'd say that I have crushing despair now, for a mixture of personal and political reasons plus a familial bias toward depression, and I sometimes feel okay for hours at a stretch even though I am not asleep.
I find that doing something different can shock me out of the despair for a while. Because I'm introverted, being in a big crowd or at a social gathering helps. For instance, there's a big food court of local restaurants near me, and just getting something there and sitting in the main space for a while helps because of the crowd. Going out for coffee by myself to my local coffee shop where I recognize people helps. Seeing a movie in a theater helps.
Can you bike for some of your transit? (You don't mention exercise.) Biking helps me.
In the immediate term, I'd just try shocking your body and brain by different experiences to break up the cycle of depression. If you break the cycle, you can get hours or days of not feeling that bad, and then if you do it again and again you can get more good time.
Can you think about changing your life? I think about changing mine - I'm comfortable enough (union gig) that I've not yet reached the tipping point, but I've been putting serious thought into [a variety of different and more precarious ways of life]. Who I am now is not who I wanted to be when I was younger and it's not who I want to be now, and if I've got to die in the Obvious Impending Disaster, I'd like to die with something meaningful under my belt.
posted by Frowner at 1:03 PM on October 11, 2019 [7 favorites]
I find that doing something different can shock me out of the despair for a while. Because I'm introverted, being in a big crowd or at a social gathering helps. For instance, there's a big food court of local restaurants near me, and just getting something there and sitting in the main space for a while helps because of the crowd. Going out for coffee by myself to my local coffee shop where I recognize people helps. Seeing a movie in a theater helps.
Can you bike for some of your transit? (You don't mention exercise.) Biking helps me.
In the immediate term, I'd just try shocking your body and brain by different experiences to break up the cycle of depression. If you break the cycle, you can get hours or days of not feeling that bad, and then if you do it again and again you can get more good time.
Can you think about changing your life? I think about changing mine - I'm comfortable enough (union gig) that I've not yet reached the tipping point, but I've been putting serious thought into [a variety of different and more precarious ways of life]. Who I am now is not who I wanted to be when I was younger and it's not who I want to be now, and if I've got to die in the Obvious Impending Disaster, I'd like to die with something meaningful under my belt.
posted by Frowner at 1:03 PM on October 11, 2019 [7 favorites]
I would add that in addition to the benefits of thinking about things on a smaller time scale (one day, etc.) it can be useful to try to concentrate on smaller distances. It's easier to feel hopeful and like you're able to be genuinely useful when you're working on local problems.
Which isn't to say that there aren't days where even the local stuff seems futile, but... it does help. And seconding biking as a really good way to keep yourself moving. My bicycle is a magical thing that saves me money, gives me enough physical activity to keep my body and brain together, and gives me my biggest Cause on which to focus all that desperate desire to make the world suck less.
posted by asperity at 1:10 PM on October 11, 2019 [2 favorites]
Which isn't to say that there aren't days where even the local stuff seems futile, but... it does help. And seconding biking as a really good way to keep yourself moving. My bicycle is a magical thing that saves me money, gives me enough physical activity to keep my body and brain together, and gives me my biggest Cause on which to focus all that desperate desire to make the world suck less.
posted by asperity at 1:10 PM on October 11, 2019 [2 favorites]
Hi, I'm kinda you.
You're asking how to "come out of it," which frames it like a personal rut. But all the problems you're pointing to – the "it" in your question, today and five years ago – are the problems of capitalism. So, if that's the problem you've identified, there are four basic ways of orienting your life:
(a) get rich (won't happen)
(b) ignore the world and bumble along (not working for you)
(c) give in to despair or nihilism (also not working for you)
(d) fight fucking capitalism.
Choosing (d) is no panacea. It is still compatible with misery, and thus still requires riding your bike, meditating, etc. But I suspect that, given the root problem you've described, (d) is the only way forward.
In concrete terms, when you say you're already donating work, time, and money to causes you believe in, does that translate to regularly working side by side with people, i.e., not just online? I hear you about not having a lot of time, but try conceptualizing it not as "volunteering" (i.e., giving away time from an already depleted stock), but rather, as fighting together for a world more worth living in.
posted by Beardman at 1:25 PM on October 11, 2019 [12 favorites]
You're asking how to "come out of it," which frames it like a personal rut. But all the problems you're pointing to – the "it" in your question, today and five years ago – are the problems of capitalism. So, if that's the problem you've identified, there are four basic ways of orienting your life:
(a) get rich (won't happen)
(b) ignore the world and bumble along (not working for you)
(c) give in to despair or nihilism (also not working for you)
(d) fight fucking capitalism.
Choosing (d) is no panacea. It is still compatible with misery, and thus still requires riding your bike, meditating, etc. But I suspect that, given the root problem you've described, (d) is the only way forward.
In concrete terms, when you say you're already donating work, time, and money to causes you believe in, does that translate to regularly working side by side with people, i.e., not just online? I hear you about not having a lot of time, but try conceptualizing it not as "volunteering" (i.e., giving away time from an already depleted stock), but rather, as fighting together for a world more worth living in.
posted by Beardman at 1:25 PM on October 11, 2019 [12 favorites]
The first thing I would do is evaluate things with my psychiatrist and see if my antidepressants have pooped out. They do that.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:27 PM on October 11, 2019 [18 favorites]
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 1:27 PM on October 11, 2019 [18 favorites]
Man do I hear you. I moved my young family back to Florida (because, mired in graduate school debt, we couldn't afford NYC any more) with this idiotic glimmer of hope that maybe climate change would get solved somehow and then like six months after we bought our house Trump was elected president. There are days when the sense of doom is almost paralyzing. Besides my kids, the things that are really keeping me charging in to the future are:
1) I ran for local office in 2018 and won. It's a hugely unimportant position that's somehow still mired in some of the wildest local politics you can imagine, but by God I'm a representative of the people and that means something. I go to meetings and I field calls from constituents and I vote on how money should be spent in my community (which as the lone progressive in the group feels like it means something) and even though it doesn't matter in our impending climate hell is still does matter, ya know? Local politics is bananas but it's also all we're gonna have left soon. And so I grind, and that grind lends a veneer of legitimacy to all the other horseshit that I put up with day to day.
2) My wife and I have been enormously lucky to have found a group of friends here that are all kind and funny and we bend over absolutely backwards to make them come over for dinner parties and hangouts basically whenever they're able. Hell in the last two years I'd bet 2/3 of my AskMe questions have just been some variation of "what should I serve to make sure my friends feel like they basically can't miss this dinner party because it's gonna be so good." And so maybe twice a month there's a moment in the evening when everybody's kids are playing together and eating popsicles in the backyard and the grownups are eating seconds and mentally and spiritually preparing for dessert and everybody is just feeling so loose and happy and telling stupid stories and gently making fun of each other and there is a brief but incredibly powerful feeling in the room that everything is somehow gonna be all right, even though it almost definitely won't. I live for those moments these days.
And that's it. So I guess my advice is, run for local office and host a lot of dinner parties where you cook really elaborate meals? I don't know, these are dark times and I don't pretend to have any answers for you, and I'm not even sure what I'm doing is really working, but maybe it is, and maybe it will work for you too.
posted by saladin at 1:32 PM on October 11, 2019 [49 favorites]
1) I ran for local office in 2018 and won. It's a hugely unimportant position that's somehow still mired in some of the wildest local politics you can imagine, but by God I'm a representative of the people and that means something. I go to meetings and I field calls from constituents and I vote on how money should be spent in my community (which as the lone progressive in the group feels like it means something) and even though it doesn't matter in our impending climate hell is still does matter, ya know? Local politics is bananas but it's also all we're gonna have left soon. And so I grind, and that grind lends a veneer of legitimacy to all the other horseshit that I put up with day to day.
2) My wife and I have been enormously lucky to have found a group of friends here that are all kind and funny and we bend over absolutely backwards to make them come over for dinner parties and hangouts basically whenever they're able. Hell in the last two years I'd bet 2/3 of my AskMe questions have just been some variation of "what should I serve to make sure my friends feel like they basically can't miss this dinner party because it's gonna be so good." And so maybe twice a month there's a moment in the evening when everybody's kids are playing together and eating popsicles in the backyard and the grownups are eating seconds and mentally and spiritually preparing for dessert and everybody is just feeling so loose and happy and telling stupid stories and gently making fun of each other and there is a brief but incredibly powerful feeling in the room that everything is somehow gonna be all right, even though it almost definitely won't. I live for those moments these days.
And that's it. So I guess my advice is, run for local office and host a lot of dinner parties where you cook really elaborate meals? I don't know, these are dark times and I don't pretend to have any answers for you, and I'm not even sure what I'm doing is really working, but maybe it is, and maybe it will work for you too.
posted by saladin at 1:32 PM on October 11, 2019 [49 favorites]
I think we have to lean in to the doom. Denying it causes cognitive dissonance and isolation. I think embracing our future is the only way to eke out some measure of joy and happiness, and it's really compellingly written about in this Ask Polly column;
"We don’t know, and we might never know. But we can find happiness even as the sky falls. We can keep the possibility of death close at hand. We can fight even when the fight looks hopeless. We have to do whatever it takes to face this challenge, even when it feels overwhelming. Tackling our fear and dread and avoidance is part of that work.
...
That’s not denial. Fear and anxiety are denial. Panic is preparing to run away. Real joy can come from facing reality, no matter how ugly it is. A sense of calm can come from embracing sadness, no matter how wrenching it is. You’re being asked to enter a new life now and let go of what you thought you needed. We all have to do that, together."
posted by stellaluna at 1:53 PM on October 11, 2019 [7 favorites]
"We don’t know, and we might never know. But we can find happiness even as the sky falls. We can keep the possibility of death close at hand. We can fight even when the fight looks hopeless. We have to do whatever it takes to face this challenge, even when it feels overwhelming. Tackling our fear and dread and avoidance is part of that work.
...
That’s not denial. Fear and anxiety are denial. Panic is preparing to run away. Real joy can come from facing reality, no matter how ugly it is. A sense of calm can come from embracing sadness, no matter how wrenching it is. You’re being asked to enter a new life now and let go of what you thought you needed. We all have to do that, together."
posted by stellaluna at 1:53 PM on October 11, 2019 [7 favorites]
I'm a boomer. I'm 60 years old and still paying off student loans. I was not remotely financially stable until I was in my mid-50s. I'm terrified of figuring out retirement. People from every generation are suffering as you are. I'm not telling you that because I think you should suck it up and not complain. I'm telling you because I think part of why you're hurting so much is the perception that your situation is abnormal. It's not.
I think a big problem for many people is really a matter of expectations. What helps me is exposing myself to history and thinking historically. The world has always had rich people, poor people, and people in the middle. I think what makes it hard now is the belief that (a) you really should be one of the rich people - they're normal, and (b) if you aren't one of the rich people, it's because you did something wrong. One reason the rich people are viewed as normal is because that's who we see on TV and especially in advertisements. That's because TV and advertisements exist for the purpose of making us want things we don't have. They do an excellent job, and probably most people live in a constant state of dissatisfaction because of it.
So I think about my grandfather living in a house with a dirt floor, then working long hours in a coal mine. I think of my ancestors who fled Ireland because they were literally starving. I think those people would be astonished by how great my life is. My mother told me that my grandfather never understood how people could be unhappy if they had enough food. I also read fiction about people who have suffered economically. The Grapes of Wrath and The Jungle are good for this. I also think about the fact that in the middle of the twentieth century, less than a hundred years ago, millions of people lost everything they had, and many their lives, during World War II. There are people living that now. Even my father, who did come closer to living the American dream, lost four years of his life and many friends to that war, then suffered from terrible nightmares for the rest of his life.
I also got diagnosed with an incurable cancer. This may seem kind of obnoxious to say, but nothing makes you grateful for your previous life like a serious threat to any life at all. It's hard to think of it as your dealing with the day to day stuff, but something like that makes you feel you would give anything to have your old life back, as shitty as it sometimes seemed to you. And if you're in the US, cancer is fucking expensive. One reason I don't know how I'll retire is that Medicare coverage of cancer treatment is not good. People in their 60s and 70s, the supposedly luckier generation, are scrambling like crazy to cover the cost of drugs, begging the drug companies for "scholarships." I see this every day on a cancer board I'm on.
These things might not be helpful to you at all, but this is what helps me.
posted by FencingGal at 1:53 PM on October 11, 2019 [40 favorites]
I think a big problem for many people is really a matter of expectations. What helps me is exposing myself to history and thinking historically. The world has always had rich people, poor people, and people in the middle. I think what makes it hard now is the belief that (a) you really should be one of the rich people - they're normal, and (b) if you aren't one of the rich people, it's because you did something wrong. One reason the rich people are viewed as normal is because that's who we see on TV and especially in advertisements. That's because TV and advertisements exist for the purpose of making us want things we don't have. They do an excellent job, and probably most people live in a constant state of dissatisfaction because of it.
So I think about my grandfather living in a house with a dirt floor, then working long hours in a coal mine. I think of my ancestors who fled Ireland because they were literally starving. I think those people would be astonished by how great my life is. My mother told me that my grandfather never understood how people could be unhappy if they had enough food. I also read fiction about people who have suffered economically. The Grapes of Wrath and The Jungle are good for this. I also think about the fact that in the middle of the twentieth century, less than a hundred years ago, millions of people lost everything they had, and many their lives, during World War II. There are people living that now. Even my father, who did come closer to living the American dream, lost four years of his life and many friends to that war, then suffered from terrible nightmares for the rest of his life.
I also got diagnosed with an incurable cancer. This may seem kind of obnoxious to say, but nothing makes you grateful for your previous life like a serious threat to any life at all. It's hard to think of it as your dealing with the day to day stuff, but something like that makes you feel you would give anything to have your old life back, as shitty as it sometimes seemed to you. And if you're in the US, cancer is fucking expensive. One reason I don't know how I'll retire is that Medicare coverage of cancer treatment is not good. People in their 60s and 70s, the supposedly luckier generation, are scrambling like crazy to cover the cost of drugs, begging the drug companies for "scholarships." I see this every day on a cancer board I'm on.
These things might not be helpful to you at all, but this is what helps me.
posted by FencingGal at 1:53 PM on October 11, 2019 [40 favorites]
For me, a lot of this decision came down to not wanting to inflict this world on anyone.
If you don't want to have kids, don't have kids, but kids and family are an absolutely massive motivation engine for, I dunno, most people? Pretty much all of whom, through history, have inflicted a world that's just as bad (or worse) on their unwitting offspring. Man is born to suffering, etc. No generation of children will ever escape the tragedy of the human condition.
You don't mention goals in your post. What are your goals? Not, like, pouring-the-Maslow-cement goals like "be able to cover my expenses comfortably," but like, the shit people will remember you for when you're dead. What are those? What are you doing to work toward them? Are you sure they're really your goals and not goals you think you're supposed to have?
I'm losing the will to work on anything creative because it seems pointless, vapid or futile.
This seems like something to bring up to whoever is prescribing your antidepressants.
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:12 PM on October 11, 2019 [18 favorites]
If you don't want to have kids, don't have kids, but kids and family are an absolutely massive motivation engine for, I dunno, most people? Pretty much all of whom, through history, have inflicted a world that's just as bad (or worse) on their unwitting offspring. Man is born to suffering, etc. No generation of children will ever escape the tragedy of the human condition.
You don't mention goals in your post. What are your goals? Not, like, pouring-the-Maslow-cement goals like "be able to cover my expenses comfortably," but like, the shit people will remember you for when you're dead. What are those? What are you doing to work toward them? Are you sure they're really your goals and not goals you think you're supposed to have?
I'm losing the will to work on anything creative because it seems pointless, vapid or futile.
This seems like something to bring up to whoever is prescribing your antidepressants.
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:12 PM on October 11, 2019 [18 favorites]
I am splitting my outlook on big little things and little big things.
Big little things are where you do something very minor, but in a big way. I'm learning to paint, I'm teaching myself. I'm putting a ton of energy and focus into something that only I will ever care about. It's totally ME time, totally focused on my interests.
Little big things are where you contribute just a little to something major. What's one vote? It's a little contribution to a major thing. Volunteering to plant a tree. Riding a bike instead of driving. Helping someone else get a job.
These two things together have helped me feel some accomplishment and level headedness that was otherwise missing in my life.
posted by rebent at 2:16 PM on October 11, 2019 [6 favorites]
Big little things are where you do something very minor, but in a big way. I'm learning to paint, I'm teaching myself. I'm putting a ton of energy and focus into something that only I will ever care about. It's totally ME time, totally focused on my interests.
Little big things are where you contribute just a little to something major. What's one vote? It's a little contribution to a major thing. Volunteering to plant a tree. Riding a bike instead of driving. Helping someone else get a job.
These two things together have helped me feel some accomplishment and level headedness that was otherwise missing in my life.
posted by rebent at 2:16 PM on October 11, 2019 [6 favorites]
Why are you doing most of the cooking and cleaning? Quit that. Do way less or none of the cooking and cleaning.
I, too, was supposed to Do Something. Decades passed and I didn't Do Something. I still haven't Done Something, and it used to be super depressing. It still would be depressing, except that Doing Things burns carbon, and the world is so evidently going to burn to a crisp because of all the Doing that I feel pretty good about doing fuck all all my life and for the rest of my days. I also feel pretty good about ignoring all advice about compounding interest and Roth IRAs and all that shit that relies on a functioning economy. I will end up starving in a cardboard box, but I think I would end up that way either way, so I'm delighted to have skipped out on thinking about that shit. As for children, I feel better than delighted, in fact overjoyed, that I haven't added more Doers.
We have always been doomed; we have always been a pack of fatuous clowns; it's just that we didn't always know it, and now we do. Plato said that the unexamined life is not worth living. But Plato was not doing his examining from our vantage point, here on the hot and craggy peak. Turns out the examined life in 2019 is flat out horrifying! Fortunately, it is possible to flip fatalism upside down and learn to enjoy it. To start, you can examine life from closer up. Stop doing all those dishes and ruminating about epic failure and trying to predict how your own death rattle will sound and instead go outside and walk to the library while eating a fudgesicle. Once there, find the shelf with the new releases, and grab all the ones with the most salacious scandals and the funnest pop science, and grab tons and tons of novels. On the way home, make a mental record of every animal you see. Every bird, every insect, every squirrel. Drop into a coffee shop and get a ridiculously delicious beverage and read some of your books. Do not persevere with the boring or disappointing ones. As soon as you detect boredom ahead, cast the book aside and go on to the next. Continue 'til sated. Sleep peacefully tonight and every night: none of this is our fault. It was that idiot Prometheus.
posted by Don Pepino at 2:41 PM on October 11, 2019 [34 favorites]
I, too, was supposed to Do Something. Decades passed and I didn't Do Something. I still haven't Done Something, and it used to be super depressing. It still would be depressing, except that Doing Things burns carbon, and the world is so evidently going to burn to a crisp because of all the Doing that I feel pretty good about doing fuck all all my life and for the rest of my days. I also feel pretty good about ignoring all advice about compounding interest and Roth IRAs and all that shit that relies on a functioning economy. I will end up starving in a cardboard box, but I think I would end up that way either way, so I'm delighted to have skipped out on thinking about that shit. As for children, I feel better than delighted, in fact overjoyed, that I haven't added more Doers.
We have always been doomed; we have always been a pack of fatuous clowns; it's just that we didn't always know it, and now we do. Plato said that the unexamined life is not worth living. But Plato was not doing his examining from our vantage point, here on the hot and craggy peak. Turns out the examined life in 2019 is flat out horrifying! Fortunately, it is possible to flip fatalism upside down and learn to enjoy it. To start, you can examine life from closer up. Stop doing all those dishes and ruminating about epic failure and trying to predict how your own death rattle will sound and instead go outside and walk to the library while eating a fudgesicle. Once there, find the shelf with the new releases, and grab all the ones with the most salacious scandals and the funnest pop science, and grab tons and tons of novels. On the way home, make a mental record of every animal you see. Every bird, every insect, every squirrel. Drop into a coffee shop and get a ridiculously delicious beverage and read some of your books. Do not persevere with the boring or disappointing ones. As soon as you detect boredom ahead, cast the book aside and go on to the next. Continue 'til sated. Sleep peacefully tonight and every night: none of this is our fault. It was that idiot Prometheus.
posted by Don Pepino at 2:41 PM on October 11, 2019 [34 favorites]
For me, reading Austin Channing Brown's book, especially the part on Standing in the Shadow of Hope, gives me a lot of strength. I am a 58 y/o white lesbian in the upper middle class, and I despair about the future, especially for my 16 and 19 y/o boys. Reminding myself of the strength and perseverance of others, especially African-Americans who have been fighting for centuries for justice, helps motivate me to keep going regardless of whether or not I believe I am making a difference in any given moment.
posted by elmay at 3:24 PM on October 11, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by elmay at 3:24 PM on October 11, 2019 [2 favorites]
This is a tiny, minor thing, and worth trying: hang a bird feeder outside a window. Since you're head chef, if there's a window in the kitchen position a feeder near it. (If you have charming often-outdoors pets/neighborhood villains that will be convinced you're gifting them a buffet, ignore this tip.) The activity will draw your eye. You'll start to recognize the regulars. You'll look up the kinds of birds outside your window. You'll become interested in something, is the idea.
Getting out in nature more often is always recommended and not always feasible; bring nature to you, and listen to ambient nature recordings, with or without crackling campfires. Try mynoise.net. Another link: Another Train.
I am also on team medical check-in, because your depression may require a meds adjustment, meds augmentation, or a different treatment approach entirely. Have your Vitamin D level tested, and maybe take some fish oil if fish isn't a regular part of your diet. Are you still seeing a therapist? I'm on team therapy, too; it can take time and effort to find a good fit with a therapist, but it's extremely worth your while.
Make small goals. Buy flowers, if you like them. Stargaze.
posted by Iris Gambol at 3:32 PM on October 11, 2019 [5 favorites]
Getting out in nature more often is always recommended and not always feasible; bring nature to you, and listen to ambient nature recordings, with or without crackling campfires. Try mynoise.net. Another link: Another Train.
I am also on team medical check-in, because your depression may require a meds adjustment, meds augmentation, or a different treatment approach entirely. Have your Vitamin D level tested, and maybe take some fish oil if fish isn't a regular part of your diet. Are you still seeing a therapist? I'm on team therapy, too; it can take time and effort to find a good fit with a therapist, but it's extremely worth your while.
Make small goals. Buy flowers, if you like them. Stargaze.
posted by Iris Gambol at 3:32 PM on October 11, 2019 [5 favorites]
I'm losing the will to work on anything creative because it seems pointless, vapid or futile.
I'm an elder Millenial and went through a similar period a couple years ago. And I'm extremely introverted. I also don't want children, and felt like my lifelong creative outlet (making music) was frivolous in light of the terror I feel about the future of our planet. I think I came out of it by making music anyway, by managing my expectations for how my future might go, and by paying attention to other people who are still making creative works even while expressing all the same doubts and fears I have.
Listening to podcasts where artists talk about their art has helped, and so does making sure I'm reading things that aren't only about how doomed we all are. Getting offline and reading a book in silence helps. Note that this is not the same as telling you not to think about it. What I'm suggesting is you find ways to spend your time that don't result in you feeling so terrible about the state of the world that it paralyzes you.
I don't have any suggestions for how to feel better about our country or our planet's future, because I certainly don't feel good about it.
Also if there's a way for you to get out of doing pretty much all cooking and housework yourself, see if you can manage that.
posted by bananana at 3:45 PM on October 11, 2019 [2 favorites]
I'm an elder Millenial and went through a similar period a couple years ago. And I'm extremely introverted. I also don't want children, and felt like my lifelong creative outlet (making music) was frivolous in light of the terror I feel about the future of our planet. I think I came out of it by making music anyway, by managing my expectations for how my future might go, and by paying attention to other people who are still making creative works even while expressing all the same doubts and fears I have.
Listening to podcasts where artists talk about their art has helped, and so does making sure I'm reading things that aren't only about how doomed we all are. Getting offline and reading a book in silence helps. Note that this is not the same as telling you not to think about it. What I'm suggesting is you find ways to spend your time that don't result in you feeling so terrible about the state of the world that it paralyzes you.
I don't have any suggestions for how to feel better about our country or our planet's future, because I certainly don't feel good about it.
Also if there's a way for you to get out of doing pretty much all cooking and housework yourself, see if you can manage that.
posted by bananana at 3:45 PM on October 11, 2019 [2 favorites]
Your situation resonates. In the last month and a half, I have rekindled my curiosity and my desire to participate in the world, despite the world's many shortcomings, by:
- Riding a bike one day a week with an acquaintance who is quickly becoming a friend
- Lifting weights or swimming one day a week with a friend who is now more of one
- Reading (& writing) through Julia Cameron's "It's Never Too Late to Begin Again" (Same basic thing as "The Artist's Way": write morning pages, go on walks, take yourself on artist's dates, with the addition of some extra reflections on life lived thus far)
- Doing my morning writing using 750words.com because I like to type and not write longhand (sorry, Julia Cameron)
- Learning a new language and dusting off an old one using Duolingo
- Taking a class in something I love doing that I don't normally make time to do
- Cooking with other people more often
- Minimizing housekeeping
- Renegotiating duties so they better align with my interests
(edited to say: making sure those duties include things that advance my political & other passions)
- Overhauling my mornings to include an hour for writing, learning and exercising first thing in the day
- No longer reading news or doing ANYTHING on my phone the first or last hour of my day
All has been helpful, but I give highest marks to morning writing. Even before I started using the Cameron book, I noticed a change in how I was thinking about my life, my choices and the world because I was more self-reflective without getting caught in my own head. Get that crap out onto paper and corral it. The second most helpful has been curtailing phone/internet usage. Third is walking and noticing. Eventually all that walking and noticing evolved into curiosity and moments of joy.
May you find kindness on your path.
posted by heidiola at 5:51 PM on October 11, 2019 [2 favorites]
- Riding a bike one day a week with an acquaintance who is quickly becoming a friend
- Lifting weights or swimming one day a week with a friend who is now more of one
- Reading (& writing) through Julia Cameron's "It's Never Too Late to Begin Again" (Same basic thing as "The Artist's Way": write morning pages, go on walks, take yourself on artist's dates, with the addition of some extra reflections on life lived thus far)
- Doing my morning writing using 750words.com because I like to type and not write longhand (sorry, Julia Cameron)
- Learning a new language and dusting off an old one using Duolingo
- Taking a class in something I love doing that I don't normally make time to do
- Cooking with other people more often
- Minimizing housekeeping
- Renegotiating duties so they better align with my interests
(edited to say: making sure those duties include things that advance my political & other passions)
- Overhauling my mornings to include an hour for writing, learning and exercising first thing in the day
- No longer reading news or doing ANYTHING on my phone the first or last hour of my day
All has been helpful, but I give highest marks to morning writing. Even before I started using the Cameron book, I noticed a change in how I was thinking about my life, my choices and the world because I was more self-reflective without getting caught in my own head. Get that crap out onto paper and corral it. The second most helpful has been curtailing phone/internet usage. Third is walking and noticing. Eventually all that walking and noticing evolved into curiosity and moments of joy.
May you find kindness on your path.
posted by heidiola at 5:51 PM on October 11, 2019 [2 favorites]
You might find this helpful, especially the first part: https://youtu.be/SFGaCdX0k0A
posted by KleenexMakesaVeryGoodHat at 7:45 PM on October 11, 2019
posted by KleenexMakesaVeryGoodHat at 7:45 PM on October 11, 2019
A) I'm not in your cohort. But I get despair. I am often pleasantly encouraged by listening to Pete Holmes' podcast You Made It Weird. Pete is a comic/buddhist/psychonaut/fount-of-compassion. And he's funny and dirty and human and weird.
B) Get a med check.
C) mindfulness meditation.
Fwiw (shrugs)
posted by j_curiouser at 9:01 PM on October 11, 2019
B) Get a med check.
C) mindfulness meditation.
Fwiw (shrugs)
posted by j_curiouser at 9:01 PM on October 11, 2019
I've found it weirdly helpful to remind myself there have always been peasants, who lived their lives and loved their families and had meaning in their lives. Just, for a while there, we had the illusion of being something else - something more powerful
There are things we can do, and there are things right around is every day that need solving and doing, people you can help and whose lives you can change. The despair-porn and global news cycle distract and sedate us, but it's important to also look around yourself and say, "What's actually happening here, inside sight of my eyes and reach of my hands, and what can I do about that?"
posted by Lady Li at 12:12 AM on October 12, 2019 [3 favorites]
There are things we can do, and there are things right around is every day that need solving and doing, people you can help and whose lives you can change. The despair-porn and global news cycle distract and sedate us, but it's important to also look around yourself and say, "What's actually happening here, inside sight of my eyes and reach of my hands, and what can I do about that?"
posted by Lady Li at 12:12 AM on October 12, 2019 [3 favorites]
Right now, here, I'm giving you permission not to save the world.
posted by Miko at 6:25 AM on October 12, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by Miko at 6:25 AM on October 12, 2019 [6 favorites]
I read your previous question (and this one, of course!), and I hear you. I'm a millennial (barely - I'm 37), and I've been through this too. My answer may be more related to your first question, we'll see.
For me, there were two separate issues 1) everything is terrible and 2) everything that's supposed to help/make me happy isn't working whyyyyyy... Fixing #2 gave me the emotional resilience (extra spoons) to deal with #1 better (even if that's just the ability to compartmentalize it or whatever).
The thing with #2...I had what you have. A job that paid okay, that I felt pretty good about ethically, and offered a nice work environment; a spouse, a cat, a nice neighborhood, a few friends, eventually a kid (ONE, ha), a nice (if small) apartment (rented). I'm never going to be able to tick off The American Dream boxes like my parents (or grandparents) did, but hey - I got about 75% down the list and...hated it? And then guilty for not being happy. The problem is the whole premise, that achieving The American Dream is going to make Everyone Happy. It does not. It doesn't matter that I will never have what my parents do, because that was never going to make me happy anyway.
My suggestion is to think about what does make you feel fulfilled, and Do Something Else. Join an intentional community, try vanlife, join the peace corps...find a different way of being in the world that works for you. Everything is terrible and you're not having kids or buying a house anyway, so if dayjob + volunteer+ etc isn't working for you...just...don't. You don't have to. There is freedom in having nothing (or very little) to lose, and this is it. Shifting my day to day existence to a format that was more satisfying and meaningful has been Everything.
I would recommend:
Wishcraft by Barbara Sher (free PDF is a little dated, or buy updated published book at your fave bookstore)
Sarah VonBargen resources
and Real Talk with Nicole Antoinette (specifically this episode)
I also recently read and liked The Art of Money by Bari Tessler. While I was reading it it didn't seem like it was resonating that much, but after I felt this sort of release...like I could see more easily how I was functioning within a capitalist system, how it effects people, and kind of let go a bit.
(And yes, check in with your doc and make sure your meds are still working!)
posted by jrobin276 at 3:58 PM on October 13, 2019 [2 favorites]
For me, there were two separate issues 1) everything is terrible and 2) everything that's supposed to help/make me happy isn't working whyyyyyy... Fixing #2 gave me the emotional resilience (extra spoons) to deal with #1 better (even if that's just the ability to compartmentalize it or whatever).
The thing with #2...I had what you have. A job that paid okay, that I felt pretty good about ethically, and offered a nice work environment; a spouse, a cat, a nice neighborhood, a few friends, eventually a kid (ONE, ha), a nice (if small) apartment (rented). I'm never going to be able to tick off The American Dream boxes like my parents (or grandparents) did, but hey - I got about 75% down the list and...hated it? And then guilty for not being happy. The problem is the whole premise, that achieving The American Dream is going to make Everyone Happy. It does not. It doesn't matter that I will never have what my parents do, because that was never going to make me happy anyway.
My suggestion is to think about what does make you feel fulfilled, and Do Something Else. Join an intentional community, try vanlife, join the peace corps...find a different way of being in the world that works for you. Everything is terrible and you're not having kids or buying a house anyway, so if dayjob + volunteer+ etc isn't working for you...just...don't. You don't have to. There is freedom in having nothing (or very little) to lose, and this is it. Shifting my day to day existence to a format that was more satisfying and meaningful has been Everything.
I would recommend:
Wishcraft by Barbara Sher (free PDF is a little dated, or buy updated published book at your fave bookstore)
Sarah VonBargen resources
and Real Talk with Nicole Antoinette (specifically this episode)
I also recently read and liked The Art of Money by Bari Tessler. While I was reading it it didn't seem like it was resonating that much, but after I felt this sort of release...like I could see more easily how I was functioning within a capitalist system, how it effects people, and kind of let go a bit.
(And yes, check in with your doc and make sure your meds are still working!)
posted by jrobin276 at 3:58 PM on October 13, 2019 [2 favorites]
One other thing re: kids - it's good to think about whether you want kids or you don't. But don't let "the world" decide. The world's always been ending. Instead of thinking you are adding something bad to a bad world, it's also possible to think about a kid you have being a big part of potential solutions to things that trouble the world. If you want a kid, you can think about that instead of thinking you're automatically doing something terrible by having one or wanting one.
posted by Miko at 1:58 PM on October 14, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by Miko at 1:58 PM on October 14, 2019 [4 favorites]
Best answer: But the sense of the big picture is crushing what sense of joy or motivation I once had to put disciplined effort into my field, or plan for the future. I'm losing the will to work on anything creative because it seems pointless, vapid or futile.
[...]
If this has happened to you and you've come out of it, can you help me?
I am exactly your peer, except I bought a house and this also did not alleviate the despair. So, combining our experiences, the following things do not permanently alleviate despair:
- Deciding not to have kids (both of us)
- Keeping on top of administrative tasks / chores (both of us)
- Spending time on hobbies / career investments, keeping busy (both of us)
- Buying a house (me) / not buying a house (you)
- Being married (you) / not being married (me)
I made some BIG changes, tried all sorts of hobbies, put my money where my mouth is in some ways, made selfish compromises for a hit of relief. The despair always came back.
...then what has helped me?
I figured out I am a perfectionist when it comes to things I care about, and that this is toxic when it comes to existential meaning of life shit. Aiming for a life of joy and contentment is bullshit. Granted, some people go through life with very minimal bouts of despair. These non-despair people have the innate ability to "not think about it", to find contentment in the tedium of being a human. Agree with you that those people are mystifying and "not thinking about it" is not an option for me. I think for people like us, the best you can hope for is lots of despair but also lots of seeking joy.
Despair is a thing you have survived your whole life. Feeling despair does not make you a bad person, or ungrateful, or somehow lacking awareness of what you should be doing differently or should be feeling instead. Despair is just how you are wired to feel sometimes.
What has helped me is accepting that despair will always be a thing that comes back for me, and to accept that when it comes back (or doesn't leave) that this is not cause to find myself insufficient, or a failure, or doing it wrong.
I grew up sincerely believing in the evangelical christianity I was exposed to in my youth. This is the athiest sermon on life and meaning I now give myself and which is 100% fully sourced from years of metafilter:
Discipline and Compromise, in SPITE OF DESPAIR, is an act of Service
1a. Life takes Discipline. Discipline doesn't feel good.
"Only the disciplined ones in life are free. If you are undisciplined, you are a slave to your moods and your passions." - 2018 quote from Eliud Kpchoge about marathons, and what do you know the dude JUST BROKE ANOTHER MARATHON.
My take: it is ok to not find joy/contentment in what you choose to spend time on. What is valuable is having integrity, being dependable, being reliable. Figure out how to show up as routine (not passion) for things you care about. Despair lingering while you do this is ok.
1b. Discipline is about getting better at failure.
"Okay, so, the metaphor that comes to mind is about meditation. I remember reading that the point of meditation isn't to be perfectly, blissfully aware of the breath or present moment or anything, but rather to realize that you've got caught up in some thought process and come back. That the attention muscles you're training need the resistance, much like the bicep needs a barbell, to become stronger. Without the failure of attending to the present moment, you'd never be able to strengthen your attention. I've found that perspective especially helpful when it comes to weight loss. The point isn't to be perfectly, blissfully thin or successful at a diet, but rather to come back each time I've failed." - metafilter advice about dieting that is applicable to your entire life
Discipline and progress doesn't mean getting it perfect, it means continuing to show up in spite of failure. Work the muscle of getting better at failure, including accepting the despair.
2. "The true impact of activism may not be felt for a generation. That alone is reason to fight, rather than surrender to despair" - Rebecca Solnit
For me, I have decided that sometimes I am not going to make it to activism. Because of my perfectionism, I probably won't even have satisfaction in living in alignment with my values, because my brain does not count my actions as "activism" unless I have become Greta Thunburg 2.0. Sometimes I am going to only be able to reach not giving up. And that compromise is ok, because:
3. Compromises MUST be made, there is no perfect action because there is no perfect knowledge, so just show up. Try. You making a compromise and living with the discomfort of it might open the door for either you or others to make more progress.
"When Kiyoko was younger and negotiating her own queerness, she drew inspiration from an unlikely source: Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl.” Although the song "I Kissed a Girl" read as a representational betrayal to queer fans who were seeking something more legitimate based on the promise of the title, it landed differently on Kiyoko. “It was a very exciting moment,” she told the Guardian. “Of course, I wished that it was a gay girl singing, but I was like, ‘That’s gonna be me.’” Despite the song’s well-established limitations, Kiyoko recognized enough of herself in its lyrics to want more, for herself and for her audience. And Lesbian Jesus delivered, mightily." - a buzzfeed article talking about 2018 being the year of not straight pop stars
Achieving what our parents had probably wouldn't permanently alleviate despair. The compromises you've made are the best you can do, and that is important, even if it is not going to feel like enough.
I am not wired to take despair-lifting pleasure in doing things for myself. That feels vapid and pointless, to use your words. So instead, sometimes, I have to frame it as service. I want to figure out how to live through these times, to live in these circumstances, to have goals and find joy, because doing so in spite of the despair is an act of service for the people I am around who make up my community. Even though you don't have kids, there is already another generation who could benefit from your decision to stick around and try, or at least not give up.
So, what helps me:
Show up. Keep trying. Live with the despair. Make compromises, because that is still progress. Take care of yourself. Post another question in five years, this community will be here for you.
posted by skrozidile at 5:41 PM on October 16, 2019 [5 favorites]
[...]
If this has happened to you and you've come out of it, can you help me?
I am exactly your peer, except I bought a house and this also did not alleviate the despair. So, combining our experiences, the following things do not permanently alleviate despair:
- Deciding not to have kids (both of us)
- Keeping on top of administrative tasks / chores (both of us)
- Spending time on hobbies / career investments, keeping busy (both of us)
- Buying a house (me) / not buying a house (you)
- Being married (you) / not being married (me)
I made some BIG changes, tried all sorts of hobbies, put my money where my mouth is in some ways, made selfish compromises for a hit of relief. The despair always came back.
...then what has helped me?
I figured out I am a perfectionist when it comes to things I care about, and that this is toxic when it comes to existential meaning of life shit. Aiming for a life of joy and contentment is bullshit. Granted, some people go through life with very minimal bouts of despair. These non-despair people have the innate ability to "not think about it", to find contentment in the tedium of being a human. Agree with you that those people are mystifying and "not thinking about it" is not an option for me. I think for people like us, the best you can hope for is lots of despair but also lots of seeking joy.
Despair is a thing you have survived your whole life. Feeling despair does not make you a bad person, or ungrateful, or somehow lacking awareness of what you should be doing differently or should be feeling instead. Despair is just how you are wired to feel sometimes.
What has helped me is accepting that despair will always be a thing that comes back for me, and to accept that when it comes back (or doesn't leave) that this is not cause to find myself insufficient, or a failure, or doing it wrong.
I grew up sincerely believing in the evangelical christianity I was exposed to in my youth. This is the athiest sermon on life and meaning I now give myself and which is 100% fully sourced from years of metafilter:
Discipline and Compromise, in SPITE OF DESPAIR, is an act of Service
1a. Life takes Discipline. Discipline doesn't feel good.
"Only the disciplined ones in life are free. If you are undisciplined, you are a slave to your moods and your passions." - 2018 quote from Eliud Kpchoge about marathons, and what do you know the dude JUST BROKE ANOTHER MARATHON.
My take: it is ok to not find joy/contentment in what you choose to spend time on. What is valuable is having integrity, being dependable, being reliable. Figure out how to show up as routine (not passion) for things you care about. Despair lingering while you do this is ok.
1b. Discipline is about getting better at failure.
"Okay, so, the metaphor that comes to mind is about meditation. I remember reading that the point of meditation isn't to be perfectly, blissfully aware of the breath or present moment or anything, but rather to realize that you've got caught up in some thought process and come back. That the attention muscles you're training need the resistance, much like the bicep needs a barbell, to become stronger. Without the failure of attending to the present moment, you'd never be able to strengthen your attention. I've found that perspective especially helpful when it comes to weight loss. The point isn't to be perfectly, blissfully thin or successful at a diet, but rather to come back each time I've failed." - metafilter advice about dieting that is applicable to your entire life
Discipline and progress doesn't mean getting it perfect, it means continuing to show up in spite of failure. Work the muscle of getting better at failure, including accepting the despair.
2. "The true impact of activism may not be felt for a generation. That alone is reason to fight, rather than surrender to despair" - Rebecca Solnit
For me, I have decided that sometimes I am not going to make it to activism. Because of my perfectionism, I probably won't even have satisfaction in living in alignment with my values, because my brain does not count my actions as "activism" unless I have become Greta Thunburg 2.0. Sometimes I am going to only be able to reach not giving up. And that compromise is ok, because:
3. Compromises MUST be made, there is no perfect action because there is no perfect knowledge, so just show up. Try. You making a compromise and living with the discomfort of it might open the door for either you or others to make more progress.
"When Kiyoko was younger and negotiating her own queerness, she drew inspiration from an unlikely source: Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl.” Although the song "I Kissed a Girl" read as a representational betrayal to queer fans who were seeking something more legitimate based on the promise of the title, it landed differently on Kiyoko. “It was a very exciting moment,” she told the Guardian. “Of course, I wished that it was a gay girl singing, but I was like, ‘That’s gonna be me.’” Despite the song’s well-established limitations, Kiyoko recognized enough of herself in its lyrics to want more, for herself and for her audience. And Lesbian Jesus delivered, mightily." - a buzzfeed article talking about 2018 being the year of not straight pop stars
Achieving what our parents had probably wouldn't permanently alleviate despair. The compromises you've made are the best you can do, and that is important, even if it is not going to feel like enough.
I am not wired to take despair-lifting pleasure in doing things for myself. That feels vapid and pointless, to use your words. So instead, sometimes, I have to frame it as service. I want to figure out how to live through these times, to live in these circumstances, to have goals and find joy, because doing so in spite of the despair is an act of service for the people I am around who make up my community. Even though you don't have kids, there is already another generation who could benefit from your decision to stick around and try, or at least not give up.
So, what helps me:
Show up. Keep trying. Live with the despair. Make compromises, because that is still progress. Take care of yourself. Post another question in five years, this community will be here for you.
posted by skrozidile at 5:41 PM on October 16, 2019 [5 favorites]
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posted by bleep at 12:13 PM on October 11, 2019 [30 favorites]