Where do teenage girls find other girls for dating and mayhem?

October 5, 2019 12:52 PM

(Asking with enthusiastic permission from the teen in question) How do I, the mom of a teenage probably-lesbian, help her find girls when there aren’t a lot of gay girls at her high school outside of her friend group, which she doesn’t want to date in?

She tried, but not had much luck with online stuff, and I’m not sure where to tell her to go, because of the age/sexuality gap. She is looking to me (and Metafilter) for help, and I would really like to be helpful!

posted by corb to Human Relations (13 answers total)

Are there any GLBTQ groups/community centers in your area? Maybe PFLAG can provide directions to local resources? If you are ok with her being on the internet, Reddit's actuallesbians subreddit is relatively decent as is LesbianGamers if she is into that.

I suppose everyone knows this by now, but if she does find community online, she really needs to be careful about "meeting" someone and "falling in love" online. I was online early and saw myself and my friends make a lot of mistakes that way. I moved a crazy woman 1000 miles to live with me. Another friend got catfished (before we knew the term) by some dude in Texas and that broke up her long term relationship. Online, you only see the sliver of someone that they want you to see, and I can imagine as a girl who was a lonely baby lesbian, it would be very easy to "fall for" someone that wasn't who they presented themselves to be.

The good news for your daughter is that if she goes off to college or the military, she will find all sorts of women to date :).

Good for you for being supportive!
posted by elmay at 1:28 PM on October 5, 2019 [1 favorite]

My daughter has started attending a local “youth group” (my words not theirs) hosted by Rainbow Youth. Not with an aim of dating but just meeting other kids.
posted by slightlybewildered at 1:33 PM on October 5, 2019 [2 favorites]

Maybe theatre?

At my high school, lots of queer and queer-friendly kids gravitated toward theatre, with the girls drawn to both on-stage stuff and behind-the-scenes work like setbuilding and painting, production crew, and writing/directing. These theatre girls also often participated in local and regional theater, which included a pool of kids from lots of other high schools.
posted by mochapickle at 3:13 PM on October 5, 2019 [9 favorites]

The PFLAG chapter I belong to offers a teen social once a month. It's been great for my son.
posted by heathrowga at 3:25 PM on October 5, 2019 [1 favorite]

Youth group at UU church.
posted by matildaben at 4:38 PM on October 5, 2019 [9 favorites]

I was your daughter a couple of decades ago, and I made all my queer friends and romantic connections at an LGBT youth center. Just in case you’re on or near Long Island, it’s still there and it’s called LIGALY, but it was not the only one near me and my understanding is there are lots of similar places these days.

Also any kind of volunteering/activism, either queer specific or just artsy/progressive were the kind of spaces I would meet other queer kids at.
posted by nancynickerson at 5:07 PM on October 5, 2019 [1 favorite]

Is there roller derby in your area, and do they have youth teams? Even if she doesn’t want to get involved, attending some bouts might be a great place to meet people.
posted by peep at 6:26 PM on October 5, 2019 [5 favorites]

If this were Topeka KS in the mid 90's I'd be able to tell you exactly where she should hang out. But I can only give a rough sort of description. Find the coffee shop where all the LGBTQ+ hang out *before* going to the club. There you will find all of the teen LGBTQ+, goths, punks, friendly sorts who wish they were old enough to go the the club. In Albuquerque NM, it would be hanging out at the Double Rainbow ice cream shop. I guess the shorter version is to go hang out at places where there's a high probability that most of the people there are LGBTQ+. I wish her luck.
posted by zengargoyle at 7:31 PM on October 5, 2019

Is she sporty at all? Soccer, rugby and roller derby are all, uh, extremely queer ladies' sports. (Actually, I am trying to think of a women's sport I've encountered that isn't full of queer women, and failing entirely.) Obviously, you'd be looking for youth teams, but there should be plenty of that around. (Also, uh, obviously there are straight girls too, so this might be less great if she really just only wants to hang out with other lesbian teens.)

Ooh, and if she doesn't want to play but loves roller derby, it might be worth seeing if she can be a non-skating official (NSO) for Rat City's youth team! There miiight be some legal issues around under-18's officiating (for safety reasons), but that opens up another potential path. (I was an NSO and a skater, for a different team, and loved doing both!)

But, yeah. Theatre or sports, definitely.
posted by kalimac at 9:07 PM on October 5, 2019 [1 favorite]

So, just as a heads up depending on the size and population density of the area she lives in, LGBTQ folk who date regularly end up dating within friend groups, or people they know. It is just because the size of the groups is just so so so much smaller, that it is kind of hard to find somebody not associated with the community. Then, when you do find that person, they get introduced to the community she knows and then however long later things don't go well and it's sort of the same place anyway. (Unless they do go well, which they can)

While finding different groups of LGBT people is fun and helpful and will always increase likelihood of dates, learning how to gracefully handle situations in which A is friends with B and they both dated C and there is a party at D's house and E is friends with everybody but doesn't want to hurt anyone feelings is really really useful. Because stuff like that happens. A lot. Navigating feelings, expressing boundaries and learning how to personally resolve relationships that didn't work out is really important because things do come up. I'm sure she's seen some stuff which is why she's hesitant (and I do not blame her!) But I suspect she's going to find out that its more interconnected than she wants it to be.
posted by AlexiaSky at 2:08 AM on October 6, 2019 [4 favorites]

The YMCA/YWCA, library, volunteer organizers and any Girl Scout chapter may have age similar groups.
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 4:55 AM on October 6, 2019

This really depends on where you are (big city vs small town). There may just not be that many lesbian/queer girls of a similar age nearby. Summer camps could be an option? There are LGBTQ specific ones, and I didn't see anyone mention Girls Rock Camp but I'd really recommend that if there's one near you. Many summer camps have scholarships if money is an issue.

Despite what movies might show, the whole 'queer high school romance' thing is not very common. Even though society is more accepting now, many queer people don't come out or start dating until college / when they leave their parent's house. In a few years she'll have a much larger dating pool, so she shouldn't stress about not finding dates right now.
posted by 100kb at 10:06 AM on October 6, 2019

Does her high school have a GSA or Rainbow Alliance or any similar club? If so she can arrange events with other high schools' LGBT clubs by contacting their advisors. Also check to see if there are LGBT youth conferences in your area or close enough to travel. When I was in high school I was in an important Congressional district and got sent to DC on an advocacy trip with GLSEN, and any similar kind of activity both lets her meet other queer kids in a chill, low-key way and looks good on her college application.
posted by storytam at 10:48 AM on October 6, 2019 [1 favorite]