Time for another OKC question!
August 29, 2019 8:39 AM Subscribe
I have a question of etiquette for OKCupid, and for online dating generally. We had a first date, I wanted a second, she didn't. That was a year ago. We went our separate ways, and eventually we each found our way back onto OKC again. Can/should/may I start messaging this lady again, with a view to a second date, given the amount of time that has passed?
I don't want to overstep my bounds here, and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. We had a date last year, which I quite enjoyed, and she seemed to enjoy our date, but not to the degree I did. I sensed that at the time, chanced it anyway and asked her for a second date, and she didn't go for it (for a reason known only to her). (Our IM history was lost since I rebooted my profile.) I left her alone, I dated other people, left OKC, came back to OKC. Now she is back on as well, and keeps popping up as the first hit in my search results, again and again and again (presumably, neither of us have 'passed' on each other, otherwise she wouldn't keep showing up in my search results).
I enjoyed our date a year ago. I haven't been carrying a torch or anything, but I remember our conversations fondly. And now we're both looking again.
Granted, much is going to depend on the personalities involved, but -- as a matter of general online dating etiquette, can someone re-initiate contact after whatever healthy amount of time, or does a rejection stand as a permanent thing?
There is a value to taking the lead in these things, but I also don't want to make anyone uncomfortable when they have already said No.
I don't want to overstep my bounds here, and I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. We had a date last year, which I quite enjoyed, and she seemed to enjoy our date, but not to the degree I did. I sensed that at the time, chanced it anyway and asked her for a second date, and she didn't go for it (for a reason known only to her). (Our IM history was lost since I rebooted my profile.) I left her alone, I dated other people, left OKC, came back to OKC. Now she is back on as well, and keeps popping up as the first hit in my search results, again and again and again (presumably, neither of us have 'passed' on each other, otherwise she wouldn't keep showing up in my search results).
I enjoyed our date a year ago. I haven't been carrying a torch or anything, but I remember our conversations fondly. And now we're both looking again.
Granted, much is going to depend on the personalities involved, but -- as a matter of general online dating etiquette, can someone re-initiate contact after whatever healthy amount of time, or does a rejection stand as a permanent thing?
There is a value to taking the lead in these things, but I also don't want to make anyone uncomfortable when they have already said No.
You should not.
posted by 41swans at 8:43 AM on August 29, 2019 [36 favorites]
posted by 41swans at 8:43 AM on August 29, 2019 [36 favorites]
I haven't online-dated in a little while but in my experience, I'd rather get a pleasant message from someone I don't necessarily want to go out with than one of the gross horrible messages that were much, much more frequent. I'd go for it. People reconsider things.
posted by wellred at 8:45 AM on August 29, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by wellred at 8:45 AM on August 29, 2019 [8 favorites]
ok I have given this a few minutes of thought. I don't know whether or not this is bad etiquette, but if you do decide to message her I would keep it very basic "hey you, how are things?" like you are acknowledging this person you have met but that is all. don't suggest a date. see if she responds to your greeting. if she does, let her take the lead. maybe even leave it for her to suggest a meet up. if she doesn't respond or suggest another date, you'll have your answer without making her feel pressured.
posted by supermedusa at 8:46 AM on August 29, 2019 [13 favorites]
posted by supermedusa at 8:46 AM on August 29, 2019 [13 favorites]
If she wasn't feeling it last time, it's unlikely anything has changed and there's little point in asking.
My answer would be different if she'd said no to a second date with a timing reason like "I've just met someone else on OKC that I want to start dating exclusively". Then you could reach out and be "Hey, you've just started popping back up in my feed. I remember our date last year fondly, and I wanted to reach out and say hello."
posted by jacquilynne at 8:50 AM on August 29, 2019 [6 favorites]
My answer would be different if she'd said no to a second date with a timing reason like "I've just met someone else on OKC that I want to start dating exclusively". Then you could reach out and be "Hey, you've just started popping back up in my feed. I remember our date last year fondly, and I wanted to reach out and say hello."
posted by jacquilynne at 8:50 AM on August 29, 2019 [6 favorites]
Best answer: First instinct is to say no, nope, sorry. If she sees your profile as frequently as you see hers, she should be the one to reinitiate contact if there’s any chance she has changed her mind in the meantime.
Unless the lack of a second date is due to other external circumstances, if she made it clear it was due to lack of interest, and it was already clear to you that she was not enjoying the first date as much anyway, then the best you can do is forget it and move on to other fishes in the sea of OKC.
Of course if you just want to say hi and that you remember your date as a pleasant experience, just say hi and say you remember her and ask her about how she’s doing now etc. with zero expectations for a second date, like (on preview) supermedusa is suggesting above. But do not imply the reason you are contacting her is that you are wishing for a second date. Put yourself in her shoes. It’d be very awkward for her if she has to say No again after a year.
posted by bitteschoen at 8:50 AM on August 29, 2019 [24 favorites]
Unless the lack of a second date is due to other external circumstances, if she made it clear it was due to lack of interest, and it was already clear to you that she was not enjoying the first date as much anyway, then the best you can do is forget it and move on to other fishes in the sea of OKC.
Of course if you just want to say hi and that you remember your date as a pleasant experience, just say hi and say you remember her and ask her about how she’s doing now etc. with zero expectations for a second date, like (on preview) supermedusa is suggesting above. But do not imply the reason you are contacting her is that you are wishing for a second date. Put yourself in her shoes. It’d be very awkward for her if she has to say No again after a year.
posted by bitteschoen at 8:50 AM on August 29, 2019 [24 favorites]
Unfortunately no. The only exception might be if she had been extremely enthusiastic about the good time she had on date #1, but declined a second because she was seeing someone else/moving out of the area/other life stuff got in the way. But it doesn't sound like that's the case here. When someone rejects a relationship of any kind, the considerate thing to do is to respect that, period. If this woman's reasons change, she can reach out to you.
posted by notquitemaryann at 8:51 AM on August 29, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by notquitemaryann at 8:51 AM on August 29, 2019 [4 favorites]
Best answer: This has happened to me. A guy i went out with once called me up a year later and asked if i had changed my mind. It was weird and creepy. As a woman, rejecting a dude always carries a certain amount of risk. Having to do it twice made me very uncomfortable. Could he have been in your situation and had no malicious intent? Possibly. Or he could have been in a darker place and not taken the second rejection graciously? Also a real possibility. If she sees you on there and wants to make contact, she can. Respect her preference and agency.
posted by August Fury at 8:51 AM on August 29, 2019 [36 favorites]
posted by August Fury at 8:51 AM on August 29, 2019 [36 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks, everyone. I had the feeling that No Contact was the answer, but I needed to hear it from outside.
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:55 AM on August 29, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:55 AM on August 29, 2019 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: I passed on her profile (even though that precludes her from contacting me), as it was seeing her pic topping my search results that was feeding this idea.
"...other fishes in the sea of OKC."
There are none. Not in my town. The other part of why I was looking back.
posted by Capt. Renault at 9:49 AM on August 29, 2019 [6 favorites]
"...other fishes in the sea of OKC."
There are none. Not in my town. The other part of why I was looking back.
posted by Capt. Renault at 9:49 AM on August 29, 2019 [6 favorites]
I personally wouldn’t mind if I got a message like that, but not everyone is me, and you never know what sort of past experiences someone has had.
I don’t think it’s creepy of you to want to; I’ve had a similar impulse in the past. But as you’ve said above, probably better not.
posted by exceptinsects at 11:50 AM on August 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
I don’t think it’s creepy of you to want to; I’ve had a similar impulse in the past. But as you’ve said above, probably better not.
posted by exceptinsects at 11:50 AM on August 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
Hi friend, it wouldn't have been a horrible idea to message her, actually. I'd encourage you to still do so casually with a "Hey, how've you been?" she knows who you are so that'll either get a response or she isn't interested.
Anecdotally, my girlfriends best friend is dating someone right now for six months, all lovey-gooey-happy … but this is actually the second time they've met online dating! They matched and talked but she was starting to see another person and ended up dating him for a few months. Many more months went by. Then she texted him about 6 months after their initial contact and boom, look at that.
There really isn't a downside to just a "hi, how have you been?" than perhaps your pride. She can just not answer it, the point of the site is to politely extend an offering of connection and then they either accept or decline.
Yeah, there can be horror stories like what August shared but in her case it was both a call (more invasive IMO) and weirdly confrontational "Have you changed your mind?" The simple fact of life is that if you don't make bids for connection, you might never get any connection. Do so kindly and intelligently. She could be kind of thinking "Hm, I wish I'd gone on that second date." but felt weird reaching out.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 2:26 PM on August 29, 2019 [4 favorites]
Anecdotally, my girlfriends best friend is dating someone right now for six months, all lovey-gooey-happy … but this is actually the second time they've met online dating! They matched and talked but she was starting to see another person and ended up dating him for a few months. Many more months went by. Then she texted him about 6 months after their initial contact and boom, look at that.
There really isn't a downside to just a "hi, how have you been?" than perhaps your pride. She can just not answer it, the point of the site is to politely extend an offering of connection and then they either accept or decline.
Yeah, there can be horror stories like what August shared but in her case it was both a call (more invasive IMO) and weirdly confrontational "Have you changed your mind?" The simple fact of life is that if you don't make bids for connection, you might never get any connection. Do so kindly and intelligently. She could be kind of thinking "Hm, I wish I'd gone on that second date." but felt weird reaching out.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 2:26 PM on August 29, 2019 [4 favorites]
I was going to suggest some way to go about this, but I keep thinking of the guy I went out with two years ago who keeps starting new accounts and messaging me still, and by "thinking of" I don't mean in a good way.
posted by yohko at 5:46 PM on August 29, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by yohko at 5:46 PM on August 29, 2019 [2 favorites]
Just had to add something, specifically to OnTheLastCastle...that was not a "horror story". That was just one of the thousands of times a man has put me in an uncomfortable position where I had to actively worry that it could actually turn into a horror story.
Ignoring a woman's "no" is a massive red flag and how many real horror stories for women start.
posted by August Fury at 6:30 PM on August 29, 2019 [12 favorites]
Ignoring a woman's "no" is a massive red flag and how many real horror stories for women start.
posted by August Fury at 6:30 PM on August 29, 2019 [12 favorites]
I passed on her profile (even though that precludes her from contacting me), as it was seeing her pic topping my search results that was feeding this idea.
Thank you for making this choice and caring enough to ask in the first place.
posted by notquitemaryann at 6:55 PM on August 29, 2019 [8 favorites]
Thank you for making this choice and caring enough to ask in the first place.
posted by notquitemaryann at 6:55 PM on August 29, 2019 [8 favorites]
Your decision to not bother a person who had already said no was the right one.
I don't know what world OnTheLastCastle lives in, but it's not the one I or any other woman I know does.
posted by Ahniya at 7:08 PM on August 29, 2019 [4 favorites]
I don't know what world OnTheLastCastle lives in, but it's not the one I or any other woman I know does.
posted by Ahniya at 7:08 PM on August 29, 2019 [4 favorites]
No. A year ago she politely told you she is not interested.
She is not interested in you; leave her alone.
posted by blueberry at 9:53 PM on August 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
She is not interested in you; leave her alone.
posted by blueberry at 9:53 PM on August 29, 2019 [1 favorite]
There really isn't a downside to just a "hi, how have you been?" than perhaps your pride
no see he was asking the question out of implicit concern about the downsides for her.
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:39 AM on August 30, 2019 [5 favorites]
Thank you for asking this question and for respecting the replies.
I have no idea how this keeps happening but I've had men on OKC, who I've already purposely unmatched with and blocked, resurface and send me follow-up messages, and it is both upsetting and extremely unwelcome. I mean, I unmatched them for good reason.
Even "hi, how you've been?" is not really innocuous, as some of the posts here are suggesting. It's open-ended and places an expectation of response and engagement which feels crappy even if you ignore the message.
Also, OnTheLastCastle is male.
posted by anderjen at 7:56 AM on August 30, 2019 [2 favorites]
I have no idea how this keeps happening but I've had men on OKC, who I've already purposely unmatched with and blocked, resurface and send me follow-up messages, and it is both upsetting and extremely unwelcome. I mean, I unmatched them for good reason.
Even "hi, how you've been?" is not really innocuous, as some of the posts here are suggesting. It's open-ended and places an expectation of response and engagement which feels crappy even if you ignore the message.
Also, OnTheLastCastle is male.
posted by anderjen at 7:56 AM on August 30, 2019 [2 favorites]
I don't know what world OnTheLastCastle lives in, but it's not the one I or any other woman I know does.
My anecdote is about a woman who is dating a man.
Yes, I am a male.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:11 PM on August 30, 2019
My anecdote is about a woman who is dating a man.
Yes, I am a male.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:11 PM on August 30, 2019
I'm a woman and absolutely think you should not ask again.
posted by thereader at 1:49 PM on August 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by thereader at 1:49 PM on August 30, 2019 [1 favorite]
A no is a no and it's usually better for all concerned to move on until and unless some major event proves otherwise. As in you run into her at the college reunion and she makes a new move and you reconsider your situation.
But that's neither here nor there.
In my mind there's only one plausible situation where dipping back in and checking is okay: she went on a date with you and was starting to date someone else around the same time and decided to get serious with that person and not you. And she didn't owe you any explanation about it so you got the curt no and she went on. But then It didn't work out and now she's back. And so are you. So in my head that's literally got to be the line you use (should you decide to do this at all)
"Hey there. So last year after our fun first date didn't get a followup, I figured I lost out timing-wise to a luckier guy. But since you're back on here again, if that was indeed the case, I'd be foolish not to at least check in to see if I might be right and try to time this a little better. So, after a mild delay, would you like to go on a second date?
On the other hand if I got all of this wrong and there simply wasn't enough chemistry on your end to try a round 2, then feel free to tell me a polite (or impolite) no and I'll go on my way. Attraction isn't a choice and I'm a big boy.
Best,
Guy"
posted by rileyray3000 at 2:27 AM on August 31, 2019
But that's neither here nor there.
In my mind there's only one plausible situation where dipping back in and checking is okay: she went on a date with you and was starting to date someone else around the same time and decided to get serious with that person and not you. And she didn't owe you any explanation about it so you got the curt no and she went on. But then It didn't work out and now she's back. And so are you. So in my head that's literally got to be the line you use (should you decide to do this at all)
"Hey there. So last year after our fun first date didn't get a followup, I figured I lost out timing-wise to a luckier guy. But since you're back on here again, if that was indeed the case, I'd be foolish not to at least check in to see if I might be right and try to time this a little better. So, after a mild delay, would you like to go on a second date?
On the other hand if I got all of this wrong and there simply wasn't enough chemistry on your end to try a round 2, then feel free to tell me a polite (or impolite) no and I'll go on my way. Attraction isn't a choice and I'm a big boy.
Best,
Guy"
posted by rileyray3000 at 2:27 AM on August 31, 2019
But the better choice is to move on. But feel free to save the above for a situation where it really merits.
posted by rileyray3000 at 2:28 AM on August 31, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by rileyray3000 at 2:28 AM on August 31, 2019 [2 favorites]
Can/should/may I start messaging this lady again, with a view to a second date, given the amount of time that has passed?
No, because you sensed that she wasn't into the first date, asked for a second and she said no. She said no for reason that no one knows besides her, so it's better to not ask again.
as a matter of general online dating etiquette, can someone re-initiate contact after whatever healthy amount of time, or does a rejection stand as a permanent thing?
I don't think there can be a general rule that can be applied to all situations; dating is such a case by case thing that what works in one situation wouldn't work in another. I think the only general rule that can be applied is "no means no" whether it's to chatting, kissing, sexual activity, whatever.
FWIW, the reason why OnTheLastCastle's example worked is that the woman contacted the guy.
posted by foxjacket at 2:46 PM on August 31, 2019 [1 favorite]
No, because you sensed that she wasn't into the first date, asked for a second and she said no. She said no for reason that no one knows besides her, so it's better to not ask again.
as a matter of general online dating etiquette, can someone re-initiate contact after whatever healthy amount of time, or does a rejection stand as a permanent thing?
I don't think there can be a general rule that can be applied to all situations; dating is such a case by case thing that what works in one situation wouldn't work in another. I think the only general rule that can be applied is "no means no" whether it's to chatting, kissing, sexual activity, whatever.
FWIW, the reason why OnTheLastCastle's example worked is that the woman contacted the guy.
posted by foxjacket at 2:46 PM on August 31, 2019 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by SansPoint at 8:43 AM on August 29, 2019