Introvert meets extrovert. Hijinks ensue.
August 23, 2019 3:57 AM Subscribe
How do I get to know someone I'm interested in? How do I let him get to know me?
Well, it's happened—am finally interested in someone again, after years of being fine with being alone. It all feels so new to me now, even if I have been in relationships before.
But see, I'm rusty. I open my mouth and nothing comes out. There are a lot of awkward pauses in our conversations, and it's enough to make me not want to do this whole thing and just crawl back under the rock where I came from.
1. What can we talk about during phone calls when we're just catching up? I want it to be more than small talk—the kind of call that stretches into hour-long convos that in the end you're so glad you got into? I've read countless articles about "conversation starters" but somehow they don't feel true to me. I was wondering if you can suggest something more human, more authentic, more like what people would actually say to each other.
2. Does chat continue in the same vein? Or are the dynamics more different, i.e. more lighthearted? What do I do then? Share memes? Links that made me think of him? Eggplant emoji?
3. I'm usually the quiet one who listens. I love doing it, I love hearing him talk about his day, his life, his work...but I want to get to know him in a deeper level, shall we say. But I don't know if I know how to ask questions, or what even questions to ask that would bring forth such answers. My fear is that I will be thought of as too intrusive or probing or interrogating, which I do not want to come across as.
4. At the same time—how do I share more about me without feeling like I'm boring him? How do I volunteer information about myself that he hasn't necessarily asked me about but I want to share nevertheless, in the sense that, hey, I am revealing myself slowly to you, this is who I am?
5. There has been an undercurrent of desire more often than not, but I am so bad at flirting. I work with my mind more than my body, and honestly I am more sweet and dorky than hot and sexy. How do I play to my strengths instead of pretending to be someone I'm not?
6. How do I nurture a genuine friendship with him without me being friendzoned? Can this even happen?
7. Is it also possible to have naughty conversations and mindblowing discussions about the universe one after the other? Because that would honestly be awesome.
If it helps:
• We are both artistic people working in creative industries.
• I'm an introvert, he's an extrovert.
• I'm younger, he's older.
• We get along well and have a lot of things in common, but we have different cultures.
• We grew up in different generations but I'm an old soul, and he keeps up with whatever's new out there more than I do.
• Quite possibly very similar in kinks; he's dominant and I'm submissive.
• He's very laid back and I am the most anxious person I know, ha
TLDR—I like this guy and I don't want to fuck it up. I need help in nurturing this potential beautiful thing with a lovely man I am interested in—enough to go out of hiding after a decade of not dating.
Well, it's happened—am finally interested in someone again, after years of being fine with being alone. It all feels so new to me now, even if I have been in relationships before.
But see, I'm rusty. I open my mouth and nothing comes out. There are a lot of awkward pauses in our conversations, and it's enough to make me not want to do this whole thing and just crawl back under the rock where I came from.
1. What can we talk about during phone calls when we're just catching up? I want it to be more than small talk—the kind of call that stretches into hour-long convos that in the end you're so glad you got into? I've read countless articles about "conversation starters" but somehow they don't feel true to me. I was wondering if you can suggest something more human, more authentic, more like what people would actually say to each other.
2. Does chat continue in the same vein? Or are the dynamics more different, i.e. more lighthearted? What do I do then? Share memes? Links that made me think of him? Eggplant emoji?
3. I'm usually the quiet one who listens. I love doing it, I love hearing him talk about his day, his life, his work...but I want to get to know him in a deeper level, shall we say. But I don't know if I know how to ask questions, or what even questions to ask that would bring forth such answers. My fear is that I will be thought of as too intrusive or probing or interrogating, which I do not want to come across as.
4. At the same time—how do I share more about me without feeling like I'm boring him? How do I volunteer information about myself that he hasn't necessarily asked me about but I want to share nevertheless, in the sense that, hey, I am revealing myself slowly to you, this is who I am?
5. There has been an undercurrent of desire more often than not, but I am so bad at flirting. I work with my mind more than my body, and honestly I am more sweet and dorky than hot and sexy. How do I play to my strengths instead of pretending to be someone I'm not?
6. How do I nurture a genuine friendship with him without me being friendzoned? Can this even happen?
7. Is it also possible to have naughty conversations and mindblowing discussions about the universe one after the other? Because that would honestly be awesome.
If it helps:
• We are both artistic people working in creative industries.
• I'm an introvert, he's an extrovert.
• I'm younger, he's older.
• We get along well and have a lot of things in common, but we have different cultures.
• We grew up in different generations but I'm an old soul, and he keeps up with whatever's new out there more than I do.
• Quite possibly very similar in kinks; he's dominant and I'm submissive.
• He's very laid back and I am the most anxious person I know, ha
TLDR—I like this guy and I don't want to fuck it up. I need help in nurturing this potential beautiful thing with a lovely man I am interested in—enough to go out of hiding after a decade of not dating.
I agree with nantucket. If you are boring somebody by talking about who you are, they're not for you.
But I don't know if I know how to ask questions, or what even questions to ask that would bring forth such answers. My fear is that I will be thought of as too intrusive or probing or interrogating, which I do not want to come across as.
With the right person, you can just say something like "I read this great article about questions you should ask to get to know somebody - can I ask you one?" (Note, have literally done this. Have never had anybody treat that as interrogating.)
Rinse and repeat as long as you like. If they aren't game, that's a red flag. If they don't ask you reciprocally, I'd consider that a red flag too. (Bonus, if you're introducing the questions, you get to to think about your answer first.)
I work with my mind more than my body, and honestly I am more sweet and dorky than hot and sexy. How do I play to my strengths instead of pretending to be someone I'm not?
You say these like they're mutually exclusive. They are absolutely not. Just be you, and if you're in the right relationship that's going to be perfect. Don't pretend to be somebody you're not* because that's going to get tiresome. And you don't want somebody who is attracted to somebody you're not, you want somebody who's into you.
Be sweet and dorky, have some laughs. Wear something flirty that you're comfortable with.
* Unless it's roleplay, of course. Then go ahead and pretend to be somebody you're not as long as it's fun.
Is it also possible to have naughty conversations and mindblowing discussions about the universe one after the other? Because that would honestly be awesome.
Yep. Sometimes both at once. Looking back on all the dating I've done in my life, there's a 1:1 correlation between attraction, conversations, and good sex.
I like this guy and I don't want to fuck it up. I need help in nurturing this potential beautiful thing with a lovely man
Nah, you don't need help. Really. If he's the right person, you be yourself and it'll work. He'll be just as invested as you are in making it work. I get that it's been a long time and the stakes seem high - but remember that you're just as lovely and worthwhile as he is, and you shouldn't have to work at proving that. If he's not really into you, no amount of effort is going to "nurture" a good relationship into being. If he is into you, he won't need you to be anybody other than who you are to spark something and keep it lit.
Quite possibly very similar in kinks; he's dominant and I'm submissive.
If this is the case you can, quite literally, let him take the lead. "I like you, I want to see where this goes, I'm in your hands" might work.
But really - just be you, and keep in mind that you're just as fantastic as he is and it should be a mutual effort.
posted by jzb at 5:28 AM on August 23, 2019 [1 favorite]
But I don't know if I know how to ask questions, or what even questions to ask that would bring forth such answers. My fear is that I will be thought of as too intrusive or probing or interrogating, which I do not want to come across as.
With the right person, you can just say something like "I read this great article about questions you should ask to get to know somebody - can I ask you one?" (Note, have literally done this. Have never had anybody treat that as interrogating.)
Rinse and repeat as long as you like. If they aren't game, that's a red flag. If they don't ask you reciprocally, I'd consider that a red flag too. (Bonus, if you're introducing the questions, you get to to think about your answer first.)
I work with my mind more than my body, and honestly I am more sweet and dorky than hot and sexy. How do I play to my strengths instead of pretending to be someone I'm not?
You say these like they're mutually exclusive. They are absolutely not. Just be you, and if you're in the right relationship that's going to be perfect. Don't pretend to be somebody you're not* because that's going to get tiresome. And you don't want somebody who is attracted to somebody you're not, you want somebody who's into you.
Be sweet and dorky, have some laughs. Wear something flirty that you're comfortable with.
* Unless it's roleplay, of course. Then go ahead and pretend to be somebody you're not as long as it's fun.
Is it also possible to have naughty conversations and mindblowing discussions about the universe one after the other? Because that would honestly be awesome.
Yep. Sometimes both at once. Looking back on all the dating I've done in my life, there's a 1:1 correlation between attraction, conversations, and good sex.
I like this guy and I don't want to fuck it up. I need help in nurturing this potential beautiful thing with a lovely man
Nah, you don't need help. Really. If he's the right person, you be yourself and it'll work. He'll be just as invested as you are in making it work. I get that it's been a long time and the stakes seem high - but remember that you're just as lovely and worthwhile as he is, and you shouldn't have to work at proving that. If he's not really into you, no amount of effort is going to "nurture" a good relationship into being. If he is into you, he won't need you to be anybody other than who you are to spark something and keep it lit.
Quite possibly very similar in kinks; he's dominant and I'm submissive.
If this is the case you can, quite literally, let him take the lead. "I like you, I want to see where this goes, I'm in your hands" might work.
But really - just be you, and keep in mind that you're just as fantastic as he is and it should be a mutual effort.
posted by jzb at 5:28 AM on August 23, 2019 [1 favorite]
I wish I had more advice, but as an extrovert married to an introvert, I just want to say that this sounds so familiar.
It's true that if he's making you feel boring, he's not the guy. But my husband, when we were first dating, had trouble of thinking of things to say sometimes, and I guarantee that I found every word out of his mouth fascinating. Some things that worked:
We had a conversation about it. I talked about the how I think of things to say (I literally never have nothing to say unless I'm very tired), and we talked about how the same kind of experience in my life that I feel is worth sharing, he worries is not. It's about the texture of your experience--I *want* to hear the stories that sound trivial but felt meaningful; the fact that it sounds trivial is irrelevant.
We talked about things he was very into. If there is a topic that you will geek out about and can't stop yourself from a 20 minute monologue, he wants to hear that. I remember our first conversation about Spiderman fondly, because it was the first time that words just poured out of him, and his interest made me interested in the subject. It was a great conversation.
I will say that the phone thing never got great; we've been married for years and our phone calls tend to be either perfunctory (I made it, here's how the flight was, I miss you) or quiet. When one of us travels, we actually often spend long minutes on the phone in silence, and if you miss someone, that's okay, too. It can be really nice. So maybe the phone's not your medium; that's okay.
I have no idea if any of this resonates, but I hope it helps. If you like him, maybe try giving him more little bits of information about yourself--trivial, important, etc.--and see if he responds in kind. That's what I would do.
posted by gideonfrog at 5:39 AM on August 23, 2019 [3 favorites]
It's true that if he's making you feel boring, he's not the guy. But my husband, when we were first dating, had trouble of thinking of things to say sometimes, and I guarantee that I found every word out of his mouth fascinating. Some things that worked:
We had a conversation about it. I talked about the how I think of things to say (I literally never have nothing to say unless I'm very tired), and we talked about how the same kind of experience in my life that I feel is worth sharing, he worries is not. It's about the texture of your experience--I *want* to hear the stories that sound trivial but felt meaningful; the fact that it sounds trivial is irrelevant.
We talked about things he was very into. If there is a topic that you will geek out about and can't stop yourself from a 20 minute monologue, he wants to hear that. I remember our first conversation about Spiderman fondly, because it was the first time that words just poured out of him, and his interest made me interested in the subject. It was a great conversation.
I will say that the phone thing never got great; we've been married for years and our phone calls tend to be either perfunctory (I made it, here's how the flight was, I miss you) or quiet. When one of us travels, we actually often spend long minutes on the phone in silence, and if you miss someone, that's okay, too. It can be really nice. So maybe the phone's not your medium; that's okay.
I have no idea if any of this resonates, but I hope it helps. If you like him, maybe try giving him more little bits of information about yourself--trivial, important, etc.--and see if he responds in kind. That's what I would do.
posted by gideonfrog at 5:39 AM on August 23, 2019 [3 favorites]
How do you feel most comfortable sharing information about yourself? For me that's usually writing. I'm not great on the phone with people I don't know yet. In your shoes I might think about how to run with my strength (writing), and send emails in between the phone calls. Maybe I'd do more talking via email and he'd do more talking on the phone.
posted by bunderful at 5:55 AM on August 23, 2019
posted by bunderful at 5:55 AM on August 23, 2019
Passion.
Not the sexual kind but the “What would you get up at 4am to do because it’s that important?”
Find out what his are and become knowledgeable about them. Figure out what your own are and be willing to share.
Talking about them needn’t (shouldn’t) dominate the conversation, but they’re a very safe harbor when you’re feeling adrift.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:32 AM on August 23, 2019
Not the sexual kind but the “What would you get up at 4am to do because it’s that important?”
Find out what his are and become knowledgeable about them. Figure out what your own are and be willing to share.
Talking about them needn’t (shouldn’t) dominate the conversation, but they’re a very safe harbor when you’re feeling adrift.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:32 AM on August 23, 2019
I don’t know what stage you are in your relationship, but at some point you could share exactly what you’ve written. Having conversations about “what conversation means to you” and about silences, etc, might be both helpful and relevant and interesting.
—
Also, if you have an active kink d/s relationship with each other, than the idea of structured conversation or (conversational ‘play’ as it were) might work naturally with your dynamic. Maybe try the NYT 30 questions to fall in love, or some variant, or make a conversation game.
For example, as a specific example:
You could set a timer for 10 minutes, and where one person is the “listener/question-asker”, and the other person is the “speaker” who shares thoughts and feelings. And then you swap roles and do it again for another 10 minutes! That way there’s a clear and safe context for both of you to ask questions, listen, and share.
There could be a loose general theme (‘childhood joys’, ‘travel’, ‘memory’, etc). And If you wanted to make it flirty, you could both set a flirty theme... (kinks, bodily pleasures, past experiences).
posted by many more sunsets at 6:56 AM on August 23, 2019 [1 favorite]
—
Also, if you have an active kink d/s relationship with each other, than the idea of structured conversation or (conversational ‘play’ as it were) might work naturally with your dynamic. Maybe try the NYT 30 questions to fall in love, or some variant, or make a conversation game.
For example, as a specific example:
You could set a timer for 10 minutes, and where one person is the “listener/question-asker”, and the other person is the “speaker” who shares thoughts and feelings. And then you swap roles and do it again for another 10 minutes! That way there’s a clear and safe context for both of you to ask questions, listen, and share.
There could be a loose general theme (‘childhood joys’, ‘travel’, ‘memory’, etc). And If you wanted to make it flirty, you could both set a flirty theme... (kinks, bodily pleasures, past experiences).
posted by many more sunsets at 6:56 AM on August 23, 2019 [1 favorite]
Does in-person or text work better for you than the phone? Voice calls are the worst of all worlds for me, because they demand instant response but don't provide all the additional warmth and social cues that in-person meetings do. I don't talk to anyone on the phone if I can help it.
While you're getting back into the swing of things, to help yourself gain confidence, you can think about in advance what you want to talk about and how you want to say it that makes it convey what you want to convey. This would be an exhausting long-term strategy, but it might tide you over until you feel more comfortable with him.
For me, long conversations come about when we each grab onto something the other person says and brings it in deeper or more personal. This can be about personal stuff ("I remember that song too. My best friend and I sobbed to it at a high school party once. It was one of those things where we simultaneously wanted attention but didn't want to make it look like we wanted attention..." etc. or philosophical stuff ("Yeah, if humans colonize other planets, besides all the logistical issues, the social stuff would be something else. What do you think their relationship to Earth would be like?" etc.
posted by metasarah at 7:26 AM on August 23, 2019
While you're getting back into the swing of things, to help yourself gain confidence, you can think about in advance what you want to talk about and how you want to say it that makes it convey what you want to convey. This would be an exhausting long-term strategy, but it might tide you over until you feel more comfortable with him.
For me, long conversations come about when we each grab onto something the other person says and brings it in deeper or more personal. This can be about personal stuff ("I remember that song too. My best friend and I sobbed to it at a high school party once. It was one of those things where we simultaneously wanted attention but didn't want to make it look like we wanted attention..." etc. or philosophical stuff ("Yeah, if humans colonize other planets, besides all the logistical issues, the social stuff would be something else. What do you think their relationship to Earth would be like?" etc.
posted by metasarah at 7:26 AM on August 23, 2019
I'm an introvert dating an extrovert and we almost never stop talking and engaging. We don't even watch stuff we intend to, it took us like 3 weeks to get through watching Willow (her favorite childhood movie) because we kept talking! When I meet a person you really click with, being with them and talking to them is almost like being by myself.
Talk in person if that's easier. I don't really like phones so we don't talk on the phone much. It took some time to build our incredible emotional intimacy and trust, but we kept at it and it didn't take too long. If you're really struggling with that much anxiety, maybe it's worth talking to a doctor about.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 7:33 AM on August 23, 2019 [1 favorite]
Talk in person if that's easier. I don't really like phones so we don't talk on the phone much. It took some time to build our incredible emotional intimacy and trust, but we kept at it and it didn't take too long. If you're really struggling with that much anxiety, maybe it's worth talking to a doctor about.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 7:33 AM on August 23, 2019 [1 favorite]
My fear is that I will be thought of as too intrusive or probing or interrogating, which I do not want to come across as.
My reaction to intrusive and probing questions is hugely dependent on the person. With someone I'm into I tend to just find them disarmingly charming and exciting. I know more than a few extroverts who basically make friends by being the ones who are willing to ask questions like that. If you're the sort of introvert I am, what you consider intrusive and probing are literally the same questions that many folks consider the standard type of thing you ask when you're getting to know someone on a deeper level. Non probing questions are often boring and don't lead anywhere conversationally - a good probing question can be the setup for hours of conversation, especially as being asked one gives you the opportunity to ask one of your own!
posted by Jon Mitchell at 8:25 AM on August 23, 2019
My reaction to intrusive and probing questions is hugely dependent on the person. With someone I'm into I tend to just find them disarmingly charming and exciting. I know more than a few extroverts who basically make friends by being the ones who are willing to ask questions like that. If you're the sort of introvert I am, what you consider intrusive and probing are literally the same questions that many folks consider the standard type of thing you ask when you're getting to know someone on a deeper level. Non probing questions are often boring and don't lead anywhere conversationally - a good probing question can be the setup for hours of conversation, especially as being asked one gives you the opportunity to ask one of your own!
posted by Jon Mitchell at 8:25 AM on August 23, 2019
This thread is closed to new comments.
What I wish I could tell my younger self: if I feel like I'm boring him by sharing who I am, then I'm outta there. Instead of thinking up more ways to dance for his attention, that is.
Seriously, this man is very lucky to have your interest in him. Let him do at least half the work of getting to know you, of keeping YOUR interest, and of showing you at each moment that he's grateful to be connecting with you. If he's an extrovert, starting the conversations at least for his own due share shouldn't be so hard for him.
Relax and pay attention to how you feel as the connection genuinely starts to blossom -- or doesn't. Don't try to do tricks to keep his attention. It never goes well unless you sense him reaching out to get to know you at your own pace.
posted by nantucket at 4:54 AM on August 23, 2019 [19 favorites]