Is this a gender thing?
August 22, 2019 6:14 PM   Subscribe

Curious if gender socialization plays a role in what we do as soon as we get home (after work, errands, school etc). If you transitioned or are non-binary, please answer too.

Question 1:
As soon as you get home do you
a) sit down and rest
b) putter about doing house or personal chores like sorting the mail, looking through the fridge, or what-have-you. this option could include starting dinner (ordering take-out, microwaving a readymade, cooking from scratch etc)
c) change into home clothes and then do option [x]
d) stay on your phone, doing whatever you were doing on your commute home (podcasts, game, social media)
e) do something that doesn't bear resemblance to a, b, c or d and tell me what it is if you want to

Question 2 (if you want to):
What's your gender?

Question 3 (bonus):
Do you live with another adult (over 21 for the sake of this). What do they do when they get home and what's their gender.

I might be totally off base with thinking that men are more likely to do option a and women are more likely to do option b. If this is chatfilter pls delete!
posted by spamandkimchi to Human Relations (94 answers total) 10 users marked this as a favorite
1. A
2. Cis male
3. Yes; her answers:

1. C, then B or A
2. Cis female
posted by Cpt. The Mango at 6:20 PM on August 22

1 - c (afterpants) then feed the cats then a (usually metafilter)
2 - female
3 - yes, same (though more clothing remains on), male
posted by Hal Mumkin at 6:21 PM on August 22

It depends on whether or not my husband or I get home first (it's a toss up). Whoever gets home first needs to feed the cats before they do anything else, and then we switch off on who has to cook or order dinner. Sometimes I'll wait until he's home so we can discuss about what we want to do for dinner - cook or order.

I'll only change into home clothes right away if it's truly disgusting out or I hate what I'm wearing.

(cis female, live with a cis male)
posted by dinty_moore at 6:23 PM on August 22 [1 favorite]

Combination of A/B - I microwave leftovers and eat it while watching YouTube.
Nonbinary, assigned female at birth. Live alone.
posted by capricorn at 6:26 PM on August 22 [1 favorite]

C.) including washing my face and (ugh summer) feet. Then B) and do A) while having dinner. Female.

My partner does B) then C) then A).
posted by floweredfish at 6:39 PM on August 22

1) e - feed cats then
c and a
Cats find (a) disappointing and think I should (f) play with them

2) cis female
3) no
posted by kitten magic at 6:41 PM on August 22 [1 favorite]

1. c, then b or a depending on the time I get home and what needs to be done
2. cis female

3. until recently a cis male; almost always fucking a

If I answered for my parents:

Mother: b, c, then b
Stepfather: almost always fucking a

this is something i am consciously aware of in my own life and resent, but the reason i do chores first is i like to sit down without worrying about doing them later

my roommate (until recently) simply did not worry about doing them at all

so yeah
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 6:42 PM on August 22 [3 favorites]

I think your answers will be skewed if people do shift work.

Back in the day when I used to work more normal length shifts (8-10 hours), I would probably change into home clothes and then do something like cook dinner. Now I do fewer days a week at work, but all the days are much longer. I don't really have any time to do anything else before I have to go to sleep, so I can get up and do it all again.

My days off, however, are basically a constant cycle of me doing very little (watching Netflix, going through facebook), and slowly getting chores done. Right now I have my second load of washing on for the day.

After I finish my cup of tea, I'm going to go out and do some weeding.


Question 1:
Have a shower, change into pyjamas, get into bed and eat dinner while watching Netflix

Question 2 (if you want to):
posted by kinddieserzeit at 6:42 PM on August 22 [2 favorites]

1)Almost always A
3)No - I'm single and childless and live alone

Sidenote: Literally for the first time today I changed clothes as soon as I got home which I've never done and thought "oh this is nice" though not into "home clothes"
posted by primalux at 6:42 PM on August 22 [1 favorite]

1 - It varies, depending on how tired I am. I often sit down to rest. I might look at social media on my phone for a bit, or possibly nap for a little bit. I like to eat early, so I will probably start dealing with dinner within half an hour or so of arriving. I rarely change clothes but I do usually take my bra off. I don't do much in the way of chores after work except getting dinner and cleaning the dishes.

2 - Cis woman

3 - Husband is a cis man. When he comes home (usually an hour or more after I get home) he invariably wants us to sit or lie down together and talk about our day. Once that is done he gets on his computer to relax until dinner time. He does not change clothes. He never handles dinner, I always cook or we order in. The only chores he does in the evening is take out the trash and scoop the cat box.

Free bonus answer: we have no kids at home, and only one pet (cat)
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 6:43 PM on August 22

1. C, then B.
2. cis male.
3. B or (C, then B). cis female.

I get home a fair bit later that my wife and well past when a normal person would be eating supper so when I get home I will change out of my work clothes , go through the mail, heat or make supper, and then read something or look at my phone while eating (unless my wife is still up in which case we'll chat, although if she is still up it usually means she is working on an assignment so we'll be chatting about that).
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 6:45 PM on August 22

1) Some sort of a/d mashup
2) cis queer woman
3) Partner is a cis bi man. He does not have paid employment due to disability. If he's been out running errands, it's either a/d or else he does whatever the errand was for, like, he might have gone out to pick up some hobby supplies and then he's probably going to go mess around with them first thing.

Potentially relevant: I have my own disability issues that mean when I come home I'm often pretty burned out. Shifting right into chores would be nigh impossible most of the time.

Also, if the cats have missed us and want attention, that's obviously going to be the first thing. Cats who want belly rubs get belly rubs. Our household has priorities.
posted by Stacey at 6:52 PM on August 22 [6 favorites]

1 E) unpack and put away everything I was carrying (journal, crafts, book, groceries, work stuff, keys, wallet, etc.) then putter in my study or take a nap
2 cis female
3 cis male hits bathroom, goes to study, watches television, or takes a nap
posted by Peach at 6:53 PM on August 22

1. usually B then C, then more B
2. cis male.
3. yes
1. C then B
2. cis female
posted by coppertop at 6:53 PM on August 22

I'm a cis man. Once I get home, I sit and watch TV for a while. Maybe put away groceries if I brought some home. If it's my turn to make dinner, I won't start it for at least half an hour. My wife works from home, so if she was going to do chores she'd do it during the day, or later in the evening. Not right after work either.

This has changed somewhat now that we have a baby to take care of. My wife is on maternity leave, and the agreement is that I get home by 6:30 and immediately relieve her on childcare duty. So if there's a diaper change or feeding that needs to happen right away, I take care of it. No doubt things will change again when our kid starts daycare.
posted by serathen at 6:59 PM on August 22

1. Typically A for at least 30 minutes-- usually laying on the couch with the dog mindlessly scrolling on my phone
2. cis female
3. Yes; cis male, often A but he gets home late so sometimes he immediately starts making dinner for himself

(I will say that I do a fair amount of tidying in the morning before I go to work--10-15 minutes, nothing too major-- specifically so I come home to a clean(er) apartment. This is not something that would even cross my partner's mind to do, I don't think.)
posted by geegollygosh at 7:01 PM on August 22

Cis female. B.

I try not to sit and relax until dinner is cooked. That way leads to no dinner or late dinner or eating crackers for dinner.

Also, quite often, E, come home, dump stuff, change shoes, leave for evening engagement.
posted by kjs4 at 7:03 PM on August 22

We have a baby, and both work; I'm in charge of day-care pick up, and usually get home about 15-30 minutes earlier.

So, I (cis female) get home, feed child, give general snuggles and entertainment (and if any small chores are get-done-able with baby around, possibly do them). Husband (cis male) gets home, changes out of work clothes, and generally is given the option of "take over baby duty so I can make dinner" or "make dinner and I'll keep doing baby duty".

This did involve explicit breaking of his habit of doing A.
posted by damayanti at 7:04 PM on August 22 [3 favorites]

B - cis female

I always front-load feeding and walking the dog and starting dinner. That way when I’m done, I can relax for the rest of the night.
posted by sallybrown at 7:09 PM on August 22

Cishet couple with a kid and we both have to take option b if we are going to get the kid fed and squared away for bed time. Husband starts dinner because he gets home first. I handle seeing to the kid's homework and music practice.
posted by soren_lorensen at 7:15 PM on August 22

1. C then A but I wish it was B.
2. F
3. Male partner is retired and does bulk of chores, but even before we got together, I would save up my chores for the weekend.

I am on the spectrum with ADHD, and feel drained by work and my executive function is crap, so I would often be confused about where to start with the mess.
posted by b33j at 7:17 PM on August 22 [2 favorites]

Question 1 (in order):
a) Usually I allow myself to decompress while still in my work clothes for about 20-30 minutes
d) Then I’ll change into home clothes
c) Then I’ll decompress more while playing on my phone
b) Eventually I’ll start dinner when I’m hungry

Question 2 (if you want to):
posted by Young Kullervo at 7:21 PM on August 22

1. C, then A, but that's largely a chronic illness requirement rather than my preference.
2. Woman-ish
3. Yes, partner is nonbinary and does the same for the same reasons
posted by brook horse at 7:23 PM on August 22 [1 favorite]

1) e, let the dogs out and then a, rest on couch with dog in lap.
2) cis female

I live with a cis male who

1) e, helps with the dogs, then b, starts dinner. Some days he changes before making dinner, depends on what he wore to work.

This is kind of new, in June we began carpooling. I drive and when we get home I want to sit and he wants to eat so we fell into this pattern. I’m a huge fan, totally happy to chill when I get home and do dishes after dinner.
posted by lepus at 7:28 PM on August 22

1. B (feed cats, feed me, do mission critical chores) then A and D at the same time.
2. cis female
3. live alone with 3 cats. would probably do A/D first then B however if they were not such demanding roommates.
posted by cgg at 7:29 PM on August 22

1) c (immediately)-a (ten minutes) -d (sporadically)...also might snack on some popcorn, listen to music, play some music, make a sandwich and call it a night.
2) late middle-age male
3) live alone

...personal chores and cleaning are left for weekends and the run up to people visiting.
posted by bonobothegreat at 7:29 PM on August 22

My cis male husband is extremely b, and my mostly-cis female self is extremely a (sometimes c but really I just need 5-10 minutes to think my own thoughts in my own house before I am ready for a second shift of focusing on other people again.) This has actually been a thing that we have needed to sort out as a family, and has been a source of some stress and, ultimately, compromise.
posted by tchemgrrl at 7:54 PM on August 22 [1 favorite]

LOL i work from home so i am already in "home clothes". When i am ready to call it a day, i go for a walk with podcasts, to get out of the house. Then i feed cats, shower, and eat/read/drink wine.
Cis het married female age 65.
posted by scorpia22 at 7:57 PM on August 22

Cis female living alone.

Get home, feed cat, change clothes, and since it's summer, rest a bit with a drink.

If my kiddo is at his dad's then I have either eaten dinner on my way home or I will scavenge and eat very simply.

If he's here, he or I make dinner.

When I was married, my ex made dinner and I did dishes.

I don't get much else done in the evening even when I was married.

After work, I want to not talk to people or work on tasks.
posted by emjaybee at 7:58 PM on August 22

Me - cis female, c then b

Hubby - c then d

We basically live in pajamas at home. I work from home so get dressed for work but then change into pajamas when my work day is done.
posted by polkadot at 7:58 PM on August 22

1. C and then B--but C only because I cycle 30-40 minutes home and I'm pretty sweaty when I arrive. If it's really hot I might shower. I cook dinner and tidy the kitchen, do dishes, take out the trash/recycling/compost etc., finishing up by 8:30 or 9. I feel like I would lose momentum and wind up (sober) couch-locked if I sat down to rest, so I don't.

2. Cis male

3. I think my partner, cis female, tends to be more of a D, but I'm not around to see it so this is just a guess. Partner does frequently stop at the store on the way home from work if we need groceries for dinner or the next day's breakfast and lunch.

Partner is a public school teacher. During the school year, she leaves work at 3 p.m., driving (hence grocery duties), and arrives at home by 4; I have more traditional office hours and usually arrive after 6. (Partner leaves for work at 7 a.m., I putter around until 8.)
posted by pullayup at 8:03 PM on August 22

cis female
change clothes immediately
greet husband and cat
husband cooks dinner 99% of the time and works from home. so we eat shortly after i get home.
30 minutes of t.v. with husband
crash/putter on computer.
posted by KleenexMakesaVeryGoodHat at 8:07 PM on August 22

Outside of gender, it would also be interesting to repeat the question asking if they own pets. I suspect of lot of people who live alone or are the first of the adults home do some sort of (B) before (A) or (D) out of necessity.
posted by cgg at 8:11 PM on August 22 [1 favorite]

1. B then C, or C then B, or occasionally E (finishing work I didn't complete before leaving my job. I don't always have the best work/life boundaries).

2. Trans woman

3. I live alone.
posted by Pryde at 8:12 PM on August 22

1. A
2. Cis Female.
3. Yes, A, cis male.
posted by stray at 8:21 PM on August 22

You are missing the huge percentage of people who go home then turn around and leave to do something else. Between walking dogs, taking care of horses, going to kids sporting events, going to the gym, social fun things, elderly parent things, going for a run, going out shopping and various classes and hobbies for themselves and kids I don't know anyone, male or female, who just gets home from work and then stays there.

Sounds awesome but I've almost never done it and I doubt most people really stay home after work the majority of week days, do they?
posted by fshgrl at 8:40 PM on August 22 [2 favorites]

1. On cooking days (every other day) I put away the groceries, then take a shower and change to home clothes, after which I sit down and rest/use the computer as long as I can get away with depending on how complicated a meal I'm making. On the other days, I change into running clothes, run, shower, then start cooking after a brief rest if feasible. So...sort of C/A, except that the groceries can't wait. I work on my feet all day, so I really like to sit down for a bit and unwind.

2. Cis female

3. Live with my spouse, a cis male. He works freelance from home, so doesn't have the same "getting home from work" transition. Around when I get home, he generally feeds the pets, but otherwise might be working, doing something in the garage, whatever.

[Bonus answer - when we both worked professional jobs outside the home and I ran before work and shopped once a week, I generally did A (before cooking) and he did B (before resting while I cooked.]
posted by LadyOscar at 8:55 PM on August 22

I get home and try to immediately change, though if I'm late enough I'll feed the cats first. I *might* try to motivate myself to get something accomplished, like cooking dinner, but achieving that is going to require a strong level of commitment.

I am female. I live alone (other than the cats). When I lived with a male partner, I felt it was my duty to clean/declutter/be-productive, and so I performed that, because I knew I was going to get negative judgment from him if I didn't do it, but it's something I am very glad to have told to fuck off.
posted by lazuli at 9:07 PM on August 22 [3 favorites]

I really missed a lot of the variables! Especially cats (pets), work schedules, disability or chronic health conditions including adhd, and of course children. When I get home from work I generally tidy up, and my cis-male partner chills. This is very noticeable when we walk in the door together... I'm glad the gender divide isn't the way I thought it was.

Maybe my assumption is based on some kind of 1950s Hollywood suburban life when the man gets home from work and gets to sit down with the newspaper?
posted by spamandkimchi at 9:28 PM on August 22

Question 1:
b) if I've been gone for more than an hour AND/OR
c) if I've been with a client or someplace where I'm wearing "nice" clothes, AND/OR
d) if I was already talking to someone and if I don't need both of my hands to carry things.

Question 2 (if you want to):
Cis female

Question 3 (bonus):
Nope. Solo.

But my answers would be completely different if I DID live with another person because I'm highly social. So if I lived with someone else, I'd cease talking on the phone because in person>on phone, and I'd connect with my fellow humans before doing any tasks. But I definitely don't think that's a gender thing because my whole extroverted posse (guys and girls) do it:

people> check status tasks (messages/food/mail)> change status tasks (changing clothes/bathroom/eating).

My introverted friends (girls and guys) tend to be much more:

change status tasks (get comfy clothes, satisfy personal needs> check status tasks> people

Note: none of my return-home tasks revolve around chores unless you count putting away ice cream. You definitely don't want to put that off. ;-)
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 9:40 PM on August 22

Cis woman
Live alone
posted by sugarbomb at 9:41 PM on August 22

We know that there is still a gender difference in who does housework, on average. I think how that manifests is going to differ a lot by household, especially when you consider all the variables affecting people's evening routines.

I mean, I probably picked my "get it done and over with" habit from my mom, which means this gender disparity manifested pretty much as soon as I got home. If I chilled for half an hour first I'd still have been doing most of the cleaning, though.

I think paying attention to how often you are doing chores/cleaning while the other person is enjoying leisure time is maybe a more accurate way to get at it. For some women that will start when they get home, for some others it will start later, and ... for the lucky ones it's going to be evenly distributed.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 9:50 PM on August 22

1. e) drop off my keys in my key bowl by the door, then go to the bathroom, then c) change into my comfy house clothes out of my less-comfy work/outside clothes, especially if I'm coming back from a sweaty time (hiking, being outside in the summer, concert, etc), then dinnertime while browsing MeFi and other sites (unless I've already had dinner before returning home)

2. Cis female

3. Not currently cohabitating, but when I did live with an ex (cis male), he cooked dinner for us by the time I got home. My most recent roommate (cis female) would microwave a burrito/frozen meal for dinner most nights while she went to go change into her house clothes upon returning home, ha. In all my co-living situations, we'd take turns for communal spaces & do our laundry independently (except for the time I lived in an apartment without a laundry room and we'd go to the laundromat together). The gender divide will vary per individual (or combo of individuals), and anything is possible. I do feel some anxiety about being expected to do the majority of the housework by default should I live with another cis male partner again, but hopefully I'll be able to filter that out before getting to that point.
posted by rather be jorting at 9:59 PM on August 22

1. B (take dogs out, feed dogs and cat, medicate dogs, sometimes start laundry), then C (scrubs->pajamas), then B (get a snack) again, then A. (And by "sit and rest" I mean "get into bed, internet for a bit, and then fall asleep" because I work second shift and get home close to midnight.)

2. Cis female

3. My mother (cis female) is the only other adult in the house (unless my sister is visiting, but sister does not go to work when visiting). She also works second shift and gets home 45-60 minutes after me. She does B (sometimes does dishes, sometimes not; gets a snack), C (scrubs->pajamas), and then A sometimes mixed with D ("eat snack, read the internet/a book, maybe listen to the radio [which is what she does on her commute], and then sleep").

Neither of us go out after work (twice in 2 years for me; 0 in 3 years for my mom).
posted by smangosbubbles at 10:09 PM on August 22 [1 favorite]

I feel so sketchy trying to answer these questions. I feel like we need a whole conversation on what we think gender socialization is first before we start asking these kinds of questions. Is that a MetaTalk thing?
posted by nikaspark at 10:13 PM on August 22

1.) c, except my work clothes are home clothes (i work in tech and wear jeans and a tshirt to work) so i just walk in the door, then i give the cats treats and snorgles.

2.) cis female

3.) i live with my partner, who usually comes home and hits the head. then he sits and relaxes. sometimes i meet him outside and we go to dinner.
posted by koroshiya at 10:13 PM on August 22

1. B, although I wouldn’t call it puttering... I cook and sort mail and start laundry... I don’t sit down after work until I sit down to the dinner I made.

2. Cis female

3. Yes, cis male, he does A
posted by Knowyournuts at 10:37 PM on August 22

1) Usually A or B, A as in put some time into a weird little online hobby I have, or B as in start dinner if I'm making something involved,

2) Cis male

3) Also cis male, usually either A or B, but A as in playing on his phone and hanging out with me in the kitchen and entertaining me while I cook; or B as in goes out and tends his garden.


We both go out together for a walk or a swim or some other leisurely outing. After that, see above.. but there usually isn't any pattern or rhyme or reason to what we do. We're pretty easy going dudes and enjoy taking turns letting the other take the lead on how any given evening ends up unfolding.

He's usually first to change into "home clothes".
posted by wats at 10:46 PM on August 22

1) a
2) cis man
3) I live with a straight cis couple. They generally just go into their bedroom for a while when they come home, then maybe putter around later.
posted by brundlefly at 10:52 PM on August 22

NB here, I do B and C, in varying order depending on how hungry I am.
posted by quacks like a duck at 11:36 PM on August 22

I am cis female and like to dump my bag and then sit and rest.
Live with cis male husband who unpacks, then goes to kitchen and starts doing any necessary jobs.
posted by Heloise9 at 12:44 AM on August 23

I am a female, childless and live alone. When I come home I take my shoes off and close the curtains, then eat dinner, then do any chores that need to be done (try to keep these to a minimum by doing everything at the weekends) then sit down and relax once everything is done. If I don’t do all the chores first I can’t relax as easily.
posted by EatMyHat at 12:49 AM on August 23

Cis woman here. I do a), although sometimes I put on a cup of tea and eat a biscuit first before sitting down. Then I do c) if I'm on work clothes. If the cats need something I do that immediately though.

My husband does c) followed by a) or b) depending the state of the flat (mess annoys him)

For the record we have cats but no kids, I'm pretty sure I'm ADD, and the husband is generally better at tidying, seeing mess and a lot of emotional labour stuff so we don't split much along "traditional gender" lines.
posted by stillnocturnal at 2:18 AM on August 23

You are missing the huge percentage of people who go home then turn around and leave to do something else. ... I don't know anyone, male or female, who just gets home from work and then stays there.

Sounds awesome but I've almost never done it and I doubt most people really stay home after work the majority of week days, do they?

This is kind of a weird judgmental comment and seems like, given the responses, plenty of people do, in fact, stay home after work the majority of week days. My husband goes out and does the grocery shopping every day because, frankly, once I get home I have no desire to leave the house again. Though turning around and leaving the house to do something else sounds like it would fall squarely in category 'e' so I don't think that unknown percentage of people is necessarily being missed.

Ob. answer, my mother did C then A then B; my father did C then B then A. They were both in the Air Force so first thing was always taking off their uniforms.
posted by Hal Mumkin at 4:03 AM on August 23 [3 favorites]

Cis woman living with a cis man and a toddler here. For me, I usually get home earlier than my husband (staggered schedules to reduce childcare a bit).
1) The first thing I do is a combo of a and b and really d too - I hang out with my son which is d, read books to him, draw stuff etc. I might try to sneak in a little personal reading here too if I'm enjoying the book I was reading on the train. I'll use my phone to check in with my husband and my son and I will both say hi. If the oven needs turning on I will do it, take anything out of the fridge, basically thinking ahead to dinner. Somewhere in there I'll sneak upstairs and do c.
2) After about half an hour of the above, I'll shift focus to making dinner b. I usually cook from scratch unless there are leftovers and I have about an hour. I do a lot of d, playing with the toddler here too. Towards the end of this my husband arrives which leads me to:
3) My husband will generally come hang out with us for a few minutes as my son will be excited to see him but then go do c - he's quite particular about changing immediately and does get sweater than I do. Then he generally shifts immediately into b and d - chores and taking care of the kid. b generally includes decluttering, opening mail and boxes, chopping things for a salad if I ask him.

After dinner we all switch into d mode for the most part - playing with the kid, though my husband does a bit of b (loading the dishwasher). 8 pm is bedtime for the toddler and that's when we do most of our a for 2-3 hours until bed (though possibly a few small chores also - but we try to clear this time by doing stuff earlier).

I should note that in the mornings I leave earlier and am not a morning person so my husband is in charge of everything (the kid, making tea, packing lunches) and I need to just get myself ready.

I feel like we have a fair division of labor and we both do our part.
posted by peacheater at 4:17 AM on August 23

Oh I should note that the above is a "typical" day, but there are a lot of untypical days - I work from home one day a week, my husband once every 2-3 weeks, 2-3 days a week one or the other of us might have an outside commitment - a meetup, trivia, local government meeting, happy hour after work, book club etc. So we adjust between us and sometimes have to have the nanny stay an hour late.
posted by peacheater at 4:21 AM on August 23

You are missing the huge percentage of people who go home then turn around and leave to do something else. ... I don't know anyone, male or female, who just gets home from work and then stays there.

Lots of people do stuff after work but don't go home first.

Others may, like me, miss the days when they could do stuff after work but thanks to chronic illness a day at work is more than enough. I can hand on heart swear that in over 5 years I've never gone out after getting home from work. I'm 42.
posted by kitten magic at 4:24 AM on August 23 [4 favorites]

Question 1:
c: i have dedicated house clothes.
b: putter. stare out the highest window at the sea, draw curtains, cook dinner
e: read cookbooks

Question 2: cis woman

Question 3 (bonus): yes, cis male. he does not believe in house clothes
b: putter in workshop or studio.
c: empties dishwasher, sets table for dinner, cleans kitchen, makes dessert, loads dishwasher

then we trundle off to our studios. sometimes a little cuddle too. then we meet up for some canoodling and telly. so many shows to watch but we only manage one episode a night. play with the cat. more cookbooks.
posted by lemon_icing at 4:39 AM on August 23

Others don't even leave the house to work and work is 24/7/365 but variable in intensity and deadline. When hungry eat, when tired sleep, Have you finished your meal? Wash your bowl.
posted by zengargoyle at 4:41 AM on August 23

1 b
2 cis female
3 male, b

This only applies when I get home after work, by the way, because there's a tight script I need to follow if the evening is going to be something other than a giant clusterfluff. On random other occasions for coming home, I often do option a unless I have already planned out the other specific thing I should be doing, and even then sometimes I get sidetracked. My spouse basically always does b any time he comes home, and gets annoyed that I don't (I sort of don't blame him).

We have mostly trained Little e that when she comes home at night she takes off her shoes, feeds the cats, hangs up her belongings, and plugs in her tablet.
posted by eirias at 4:42 AM on August 23 [1 favorite]

1. A or B. If my wife is home, we snuggle together on the bed and talk about our days briefly (10-20 minutes). Then I do B. If my wife isn't home I launch straight into B.

B. is feed the dog and cats, and then take the dog for a walk before starting dinner.

2. Cis male.

3. I life with my cis female wife. She's generally a C, launching into either continuing some work in our bedroom/office. Alternately, various research, feed reading or facebook.
posted by nobeagle at 5:36 AM on August 23

1. Feed the cats, change out of work clothes if I dressed at all nice (work doesn't have much of a dress code), and then I do any errands that need doing and make dinner.

2. AFAB nonbinary.

3. I don't live with another adult, but I used to live with my (now-ex)-girlfriend. She would rest immediately when she came home and put off any chores as long as possible, where I'm more into getting it over with so I don't have it hanging over my head. She's a cis woman.
posted by bile and syntax at 5:43 AM on August 23

Depending on day, never did c first until young kids.
posted by typecloud at 5:46 AM on August 23

Q1: C, then B


Q3: CIS F, A
posted by General Malaise at 5:51 AM on August 23

1: C, then either directly to B or a little A then segue to B (making dinner, emptying dishwasher, etc.)
2: F
3: yes, M, B (usually home repair stuff) but occasionally A
posted by rabbitrabbit at 6:09 AM on August 23

Question 1
c) I change into home clothes
a) then I rest
e) and occasionally I will walk the dog right away

Question 2
I am a Cis Female

Question 3
I live with a Cis Male and he does d) play on his phone.
posted by cranberrymonger at 6:46 AM on August 23

A, cis-female, no

I'm fat and out-of-shape and I take the bus, so by the time I get home, I am often a bit winded. I need to sit for a few minutes before I do anything else. Depending on what's on my phone or if I turn on Netflix, those few minutes can become 'the rest of the evening', depending.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:02 AM on August 23

1) b
2) male
3) no
posted by Automocar at 7:16 AM on August 23

Question 1:

C, then B.

To expand, when I get home I change clothes and then immediately have a snack, because I get home at 4:00 and it's too early for dinner. When I used to get home a bit later, I started dinner right away. Now I have a snack and then, depending on the time of year, take a walk or sit down and relax. Or get bothered by my daughter while I try to sit down and relax.

Question 2 (if you want to):

Cis female.

Question 3 (bonus):

C, then A. Cis male.
posted by missrachael at 8:10 AM on August 23

Q1: whoever is home first, takes over from my mother or father in law who has been watching the kids since they got home from school and then starts dinner.

Q2: Cis male

Q3: I live with my Cis Female wife who comes home changes cloths and then either takes over childcare and starts cooking per question 1 or comes home changes cloths and helps out with household stuff already in process.
posted by Dr. Twist at 8:26 AM on August 23

I'm a single woman, and it depends on if my kids are with me. If it's just me I rest; if I'm responsible for feeding someone else, I get on that.

I think the main variable for most of us is how much stuff we have to get done in the evening. Given the well-established studies of the gender gap in household labor, your hypothesis is reasonable.
posted by metasarah at 8:52 AM on August 23

1: As soon as I get home I
c) change into home clothes and then
e) sit down and start working on ongoing projects (right now, postcards to voters, traditionally, working on my side job small press tasks)

2: Cis female

3: I live with 3 other adults, all cis:
* Female: putters around doing housework/tidying then changes into home clothes and sits and rests
* Male: starts supper then changes into home clothes or vice versa
* Male: feeds our rabbit then sits and messes with phone (probably half of what he does on phone is work-related but I don't actually know if he's goofing off or working at any given time)
posted by joannemerriam at 9:16 AM on August 23

C) often following a shower because summer grossness. Then A until bed as I've often picked up dinner on the way home
Cis female, live alone hence enabling this behavior
posted by TravellingCari at 9:24 AM on August 23

1. C -> B (usually putting away stuff from my bag then making food)
2. nonbinary, AFAB
3. spouse, cis woman, typically also C -> B (putting away work things then cleaning and tidying around the house)

If we haven't seen each other in a while or have had a particularly exhausting schedule, we will do a version of 1/2 C -> joint A, which is strip off work clothes, flop on bed and cuddle, and discuss our days or be schmoopy
posted by carrioncomfort at 9:32 AM on August 23


Female. After work come home change do jobs around house. After something that requires social interaction or over stimulation from say being around a lot of people ie shopping, lunch with friends. Come home change and rest.
posted by wwax at 9:33 AM on August 23

1) B is my first priority then I do C when I have reached a logical point in cooking dinner, and then A with D when I have other breaks in cooking.
2) cishet female
3) My cishet male partner does C first, then B, though we argue about what the most effective first B thing to do is (I think it's getting dinner started, he thinks it's cleaning the kitchen)
posted by urbanlenny at 9:49 AM on August 23

1 & 3) I work at home, so this will somewhat skew your results, BUT when my husband gets home we both do something called "The Puppy Greeting Ritual" where we all flop on the bed with the dog and lavish him with affection and attention because my husband was away all day. Then I smoke a bowl and my husband lies on the bed moaning and trying to recover from his work day and commute. Then we start dinner.
2) We are two queer cis men.
posted by zeusianfog at 12:25 PM on August 23 [2 favorites]

Oh, and my husband will change out of his work clothes before starting dinner but after the lying and the moaning. Since I work at home my dress code is.........casual.
posted by zeusianfog at 12:29 PM on August 23

1. C, then B or A depending upon my energy/hunger level. (Either way, the bra comes off first.)
2. Cis woman
3. I live alone now, so I do what I want. (hallelujah)
posted by at 12:47 PM on August 23

Q1: b
Q2: Cis woman
Q3: a (sit and play computer game) Cis man
posted by The Devil's Grandmother at 1:12 PM on August 23

Q1: C, because I have a long train commute and since reading a Twitter thread earlier this year (thanks, garius!) I've been terrified I might bring bedbugs home with me, so I have separate outdoor and indoor jeans now. Then usually I make a very quick sandwich before action A, because I have a very long train commute and I don't have time or energy for anything more involved. Sandwich, sit down while I eat it, bath, bed. Chores have to wait till the weekend.

Q2: Cis woman.

Q3: I live alone.
posted by ManyLeggedCreature at 1:37 PM on August 23

1: A
2: cis female
3: Yes,
---1: B or D depending on the day
---2: cis male
posted by shb at 2:04 PM on August 23

Inadvertently I have also learned that many (majority here?) people change clothes when they get home (whether or not they consider them "home clothes") but a lot of people do not.* I vaguely remember an earlier discussion (on the Blue? Green?) about people taking off their bras (if such items are worn) as soon as they get in the door. This counts as changing into home clothes in my view? Get home --> different clothing (even just less one item) that is way more comfortable.

*[This is mildly surprising, but not astounding. I was stunned when I, raised by Asian-immigrant-parents who ran a strictly shoes off inside household, encountered shoes-on households.]
posted by spamandkimchi at 3:25 PM on August 23 [2 favorites]

Sudden stab of anxiety (as someone also raised by Asian-immigrant-parents) re: possibly giving off the impression I keep my outside shoes on indoors!

I must amend my previous response to note that, after I get home: e) I take off my shoes and set them down by the door, drop off keys, etc
posted by rather be jorting at 3:51 PM on August 23 [1 favorite]

1. Change my clothes (these are less “home clothes” and more “not work clothes”; I wear them out of the house but not to work) and then start dinner. Roughly once a week I order dinner instead but food is always my responsibility. If the previous night’s dishes were not washed I wash them while dinner is cooking.

2. Cis male

3. My wife usually works out and then does some grading or prep for the next day’s classes (she is a teacher). Our roommate invariably goes directly to his room and plays video games.
posted by Parasite Unseen at 4:45 PM on August 23

1) A. I work a physically demanding job, and need a chance to sit for a bit. Then B.
2) cis woman
3) I live with my grown sons (26 & 22), and they pretty much do A. That is quickly followed by D. where they start gaming online.
posted by annieb at 5:03 PM on August 23

1) C -> B (putting together a quick and easy dinner, because I’m usually already hungry by the time I get home) -> A (while eating)
2) Nonbinary, transfeminine, I guess “woman” is close enough but Under Protest
3a) Dr. halting (a cis woman) and I are currently long-distance, but A -> B
posted by haltingproblemsolved at 9:49 PM on August 23

1: c->b (To the extent home clothes means taking of shoes and socks as soon as possible and a shower and or a change into shorts only when it's hot outside.)
2: cis man
3: Yes. She's a cis woman and appears to usually do [b], though it's not unlikely we behave differently when we're alone. Typically whoever arrives last says hello and then spends a while doing household stuff, often while listening to headphones, for a while as the other one finishes up whatever they were doing before we really interact or make plans for the evening.
posted by eotvos at 1:05 PM on August 24

Question 1:
As soon as you get home do you
c) change into home clothes and then do option a) sit down and rest

Question 2 (if you want to):
What's your gender?

Question 3 (bonus):
I live alone.
posted by Blue Genie at 1:59 PM on August 24

Question 1:
C, then B. Occasionally when it's been a looong day or week I'll do A or sometimes get distracted and do D, but C always always always comes first, and I feel best when I do C and B.

Question 2:
I identify as male and trans

Question 3:
I have two male roommates (cis as far as I know). One either kicks back or immediately starts getting ready to go out for the night. The other usually goes into his room, where I assume he is either likewise kicking back or working his freelance IT job.
posted by Urban Winter at 10:16 PM on August 24

1. E, walk the dog. Sometimes I change my clothes first--depends on if I can wear dog-walking shoes with my work clothes. If I'm absolutely beat I give the dog a food toy to buy myself 15 minutes to lie down before walking him.
2. Cis female.
3. I live alone.
posted by HotToddy at 10:21 PM on August 24

You are missing the huge percentage of people who go home then turn around and leave to do something else. ... I don't know anyone, male or female, who just gets home from work and then stays there.

Cis female here, with two school age kids. This above statement pertains to me, and pretty much everyone I know who has school-age kids in activities. No one just "goes homes". We go home, PEE, and then are out the door again (usually with shouting "do you have all your soccer/martial arts stuff?") My husband and I joke that we text each other a lot, but we rarely see each other until after 9pm four nights a week.

Also, does no one pee when they first get home? that is right on top of my agenda. :)
posted by alathia at 12:00 PM on August 25 [1 favorite]

Question 1

e) Feed the cats or be tripped and screeched at unmercifully,
c) change out of smelly work clothes, removing bra with great relish, then
a). I should be doing b), but always wind up stalling out on social media and eating dinner at 8 PM instead.
Finally, f) (per kitten magic), playing with cats to get the night crazies out of their system before bedtime.

Question 2

Middle-aged cis het female.

Question 3

Nope - just a happy solo cat lady and her winsome feline overlords.
posted by Lycaon_pictus at 4:43 PM on August 25 [1 favorite]

a & d
cis-ish female-person
I live with roommates but don't know what they do

I also have ADHD so I tend to hyperfocus, and I get so tired the moment I get home
posted by zima_lengneui at 12:26 PM on August 30

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