How do I learn to be curious?
August 21, 2019 1:38 PM Subscribe
Over the past couple of years it's become clear to me that I am not what you'd call a "lifelong learner." It's not that there's something I want to learn, and I just can't motivate myself. It's that when it comes right down to it, I'm just not a very curious person, and there really isn't anything I want to learn. But there is so much that I ought to learn! So, how do I GET curious, at least about the things that matter to people around me?
It's clear that this is making me less good at my job, and less interesting to my friends and coworkers -- not to mention, it's no fun for me to walk around feeling like a giant dumbass all the time. And it's making me a bad friend, too, since my brilliant, creative, passionate friends and partner have so much to share with me, while I a) have nothing to share back and b) don't share their curiosity and passion.
I don't think I am especially lazy, though I do seem not to have nearly as much energy as some folks. But I work very hard at my job and mostly manage to do regular exercise and relationship maintenance and household maintenance etc.
And it's not like I'm fully anhedonic or anything. I go places and watch things and read things and all. It's not that these things are BORING to me, it's just... I'll leave a movie thinking, "ok, that was a good movie!" but not "...so it's time to watch more films in that genre and do some reading." That second part doesn't even occur to me but it's second nature to so many people! It's wild!
It's like there's just a mindset I can't get into. I want to respond to things as "this is genuinely interesting and so I want to actively pursue more knowledge about it" rather than "that was fine, cool beans." Or worse, "oh no, another thing I will have to force myself to learn about so I am not left out of conversations, god damn it"!
Was this you, and now you are a person who seeks to learn from the world? Or did you at least find a way to get over the hump of feeling like learning is a drag?
It's clear that this is making me less good at my job, and less interesting to my friends and coworkers -- not to mention, it's no fun for me to walk around feeling like a giant dumbass all the time. And it's making me a bad friend, too, since my brilliant, creative, passionate friends and partner have so much to share with me, while I a) have nothing to share back and b) don't share their curiosity and passion.
I don't think I am especially lazy, though I do seem not to have nearly as much energy as some folks. But I work very hard at my job and mostly manage to do regular exercise and relationship maintenance and household maintenance etc.
And it's not like I'm fully anhedonic or anything. I go places and watch things and read things and all. It's not that these things are BORING to me, it's just... I'll leave a movie thinking, "ok, that was a good movie!" but not "...so it's time to watch more films in that genre and do some reading." That second part doesn't even occur to me but it's second nature to so many people! It's wild!
It's like there's just a mindset I can't get into. I want to respond to things as "this is genuinely interesting and so I want to actively pursue more knowledge about it" rather than "that was fine, cool beans." Or worse, "oh no, another thing I will have to force myself to learn about so I am not left out of conversations, god damn it"!
Was this you, and now you are a person who seeks to learn from the world? Or did you at least find a way to get over the hump of feeling like learning is a drag?
Don't go trying to learn stuff you're not really into just because other people are into it! That's a great way to resent learning, resent them, and resent yourself. And you're allowed to have a "superficial" relationship with movies and books and whatever else you want!
If you want to be able to hang on to a conversation even if you don't know how to contribute, then start asking questions. People fucking love talking about themselves and their interests, and if you're halfway decent at forming a question it's a great way to get people talking AND if you pay attention to what they say it'll lead to more questions you can ask. And then, surprise - you just learned something!
If you really want to learn something new (and I do think that's a laudable goal), then maybe look beyond pure "academic" interests. Maybe hobbies that allow you to work with your hands, or the outdoors, or even something as simple as "how do I patch this hole in my wall?" You try some things, and maybe some of them stick and maybe they don't.
posted by backseatpilot at 1:54 PM on August 21, 2019 [7 favorites]
If you want to be able to hang on to a conversation even if you don't know how to contribute, then start asking questions. People fucking love talking about themselves and their interests, and if you're halfway decent at forming a question it's a great way to get people talking AND if you pay attention to what they say it'll lead to more questions you can ask. And then, surprise - you just learned something!
If you really want to learn something new (and I do think that's a laudable goal), then maybe look beyond pure "academic" interests. Maybe hobbies that allow you to work with your hands, or the outdoors, or even something as simple as "how do I patch this hole in my wall?" You try some things, and maybe some of them stick and maybe they don't.
posted by backseatpilot at 1:54 PM on August 21, 2019 [7 favorites]
Ask your passionate friends to talk to you about their passions. Work on active listening. Don't just go in and ask for a lecture - ask why things are interesting to them, and ask for details on things you're unclear about or things they get especially jazzed for. This is a fantastic way to combine learning new things and being a great conversationalist, as well as a good way to get to know your friends better. If your friends are making you feel bad because you don't come to the conversation with a degree's worth of preexisting knowledge, they're either being shitty friends or you're not approaching the conversation with an attitude that lets you ask questions and find out new things. It might be a combination of both.
posted by Mizu at 2:00 PM on August 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by Mizu at 2:00 PM on August 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: if you're halfway decent at forming a question it's a great way to get people talking AND if you pay attention to what they say it'll lead to more questions you can ask.
OK, this specifically! I suck at this! I assume whatever someone has told me is what they wanted to tell me, and generally, I don't feel an urgent need to hear more, so I forget to keep asking questions. How do I get better at THAT? At having that need to hear more about a thing?
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:01 PM on August 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
OK, this specifically! I suck at this! I assume whatever someone has told me is what they wanted to tell me, and generally, I don't feel an urgent need to hear more, so I forget to keep asking questions. How do I get better at THAT? At having that need to hear more about a thing?
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:01 PM on August 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
For the question thing - I feel like it's less about being curious and more about being an introvert and so far up in my own mind half the time. So I have to actively remind myself to do ask people questions, especially if I'm going to be with a group of people I don't know well. Last week I went to a funeral and reminded myself on the ride over to ask people questions. Current events (not politics) can be good - "hey, did you see that fish tube that was going around the internet this week?"
If it's an older person, there are some really neat conversations that you can have, such as:
- what was the first car you owned? (and then if they're in the mood, you can keep asking them about the next one and the next one. it's really fun!)
- if it's a married person - what was the house like that you were living in when you met your spouse?
- what was your elementary school like?
These aren't questions that you would necessarily lead with but if a person is talking and their story is ending, you can pick it back up again with a question like that.
posted by dawkins_7 at 2:11 PM on August 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
If it's an older person, there are some really neat conversations that you can have, such as:
- what was the first car you owned? (and then if they're in the mood, you can keep asking them about the next one and the next one. it's really fun!)
- if it's a married person - what was the house like that you were living in when you met your spouse?
- what was your elementary school like?
These aren't questions that you would necessarily lead with but if a person is talking and their story is ending, you can pick it back up again with a question like that.
posted by dawkins_7 at 2:11 PM on August 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
As for the curiosity thing, I bet keeping a journal might help. Set a timer to sit and write down 5 things you saw each day. They don't have to be big or anything but after a while, you might start thinking, "oh, that's neat, I want it to be one of my 5 things tonight". Just noticing new stuff might lead you to be curious about things in a way that you've never been before.
posted by dawkins_7 at 2:13 PM on August 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by dawkins_7 at 2:13 PM on August 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
I want to respond to things as "this is genuinely interesting and so I want to actively pursue more knowledge about it" rather than "that was fine, cool beans."
I like learning in general and I find opportunities to do it for its own sake and yet I still am mostly like "That was fine, cool beans" when I get to the end. Mostly I just listen to the "In Our Time" podcast and browse metafilter and that's enough for me; if something really piques my interest I will read the Wikipedia page and some of the related articles. It doesn't take that much energy and when I do it it's because that's what I want to be doing at that moment and not something else. I think this is an OK and even good way to be!
And it's making me a bad friend, too, since my brilliant, creative, passionate friends and partner have so much to share with me, while I a) have nothing to share back and b) don't share their curiosity and passion.
OK so a lot of the time I come up with some interesting tidbit I would like to share with someone I know who is not one of these "I go out and get information and bring it back" people, and they give me a sort of begruding "I am doing the right thing by listening to what you have to say" routine. If you are interested in what they have to say it's as simple as something like "Oh? What do you mean?" "Oh? How so?" "Oh? Why is that?" If we were friends that would be all you had to do to get me going, and then you wouldn't need to have any extracurricular information-gathering activities because I would just tell you everything I found out and then we'd both be happy!
posted by bleep at 2:15 PM on August 21, 2019
I like learning in general and I find opportunities to do it for its own sake and yet I still am mostly like "That was fine, cool beans" when I get to the end. Mostly I just listen to the "In Our Time" podcast and browse metafilter and that's enough for me; if something really piques my interest I will read the Wikipedia page and some of the related articles. It doesn't take that much energy and when I do it it's because that's what I want to be doing at that moment and not something else. I think this is an OK and even good way to be!
And it's making me a bad friend, too, since my brilliant, creative, passionate friends and partner have so much to share with me, while I a) have nothing to share back and b) don't share their curiosity and passion.
OK so a lot of the time I come up with some interesting tidbit I would like to share with someone I know who is not one of these "I go out and get information and bring it back" people, and they give me a sort of begruding "I am doing the right thing by listening to what you have to say" routine. If you are interested in what they have to say it's as simple as something like "Oh? What do you mean?" "Oh? How so?" "Oh? Why is that?" If we were friends that would be all you had to do to get me going, and then you wouldn't need to have any extracurricular information-gathering activities because I would just tell you everything I found out and then we'd both be happy!
posted by bleep at 2:15 PM on August 21, 2019
When people are telling you about their interests do you ever see parallels to other stuff you know? Do you see patterns? Is there some little part of what they've said that resonates somehow? Or that puzzles you? Or even maybe do you just enjoy listening to or watching them be so passionate about something? Say so!
I had a crazy demanding job for a few years and when I wasn't at work I felt dull and numb. I really didn't have the energy to take up anything interesting. Maybe you need a break from work.
posted by mareli at 2:17 PM on August 21, 2019
I had a crazy demanding job for a few years and when I wasn't at work I felt dull and numb. I really didn't have the energy to take up anything interesting. Maybe you need a break from work.
posted by mareli at 2:17 PM on August 21, 2019
Response by poster: If we were friends that would be all you had to do to get me going, and then you wouldn't need to have any extracurricular information-gathering activities because I would just tell you everything I found out and then we'd both be happy!
Well, no...in this situation, I would be exhausted and feeling quite useless, rather than happy. That's kind of the thing. Everyone in my life is DYING to teach me one million informations and I can't make myself want to learn them!
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:25 PM on August 21, 2019
Well, no...in this situation, I would be exhausted and feeling quite useless, rather than happy. That's kind of the thing. Everyone in my life is DYING to teach me one million informations and I can't make myself want to learn them!
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 2:25 PM on August 21, 2019
Oh I see, in that case it does kind of sound like your head is saying "I am full, nothing more goes in here please". Is there any way to create a bit more slack in there?
posted by bleep at 2:27 PM on August 21, 2019
posted by bleep at 2:27 PM on August 21, 2019
I am an introvert. I love learning. I often feel this way, though, when I am not getting enough alone/recharging time.
posted by lazuli at 2:28 PM on August 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by lazuli at 2:28 PM on August 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
I agree that it sounds like you might be burnt out.
I don't think that you're going to get anywhere if you turn learning into a chore or an obligation, regardless of if you're burnt out or not. You'll just resent it. The trick is finding what kind of learning is fun and relaxing for you.
I do think that a sense of curiosity is important, but approaching learning as self-improvement sounds miserable to me. I hardly ever set out to learn more about a topic because I think I should. Instead, I do things like watch documentaries, read non-fiction books, and listen to podcasts. I learn a lot about the world this way as long as I'm a bit choosy (e.g. avoiding conspiracy theory or sensationalist documentaries).
These things don't require much mental energy on my part. I don't take notes because I'm not in class. I'm not going to be tested. I don't worry about whether or not I remember. But honestly, incorporating quality non-fiction media into your entertainment is a great way to learn stuff.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 2:32 PM on August 21, 2019
I don't think that you're going to get anywhere if you turn learning into a chore or an obligation, regardless of if you're burnt out or not. You'll just resent it. The trick is finding what kind of learning is fun and relaxing for you.
I do think that a sense of curiosity is important, but approaching learning as self-improvement sounds miserable to me. I hardly ever set out to learn more about a topic because I think I should. Instead, I do things like watch documentaries, read non-fiction books, and listen to podcasts. I learn a lot about the world this way as long as I'm a bit choosy (e.g. avoiding conspiracy theory or sensationalist documentaries).
These things don't require much mental energy on my part. I don't take notes because I'm not in class. I'm not going to be tested. I don't worry about whether or not I remember. But honestly, incorporating quality non-fiction media into your entertainment is a great way to learn stuff.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 2:32 PM on August 21, 2019
One of the traditional ways to get a broad-based education where you know a little about a lot of things, that helps make you curious about more (because you know a lot to connect it to!), is to read a well-regarded daily newspaper. Not just the world news and politics sections -- those make you well-informed, but that's not the real value of a daily paper. The real value is in the sports and arts and culture and human interest and science sections, features, and in-depth articles. You had no idea you want to know all about penguins but gosh-darn if that story about the penguin mating rituals wasn't hella interesting! And there's a team of editors and writers culling and sorting information and explaining it for the intelligent layman. A novel's worth of words on every topic under the sun delivered to your doorstep for 50 cents a day!
Sadly the heyday of the daily paper is over (although I suppose the Sunday NYT with all its features sections might still scratch the itch). I find vox.com is an okay replacement for a daily paper in my RSS reader -- I like their arts & culture coverage and they have decent science coverage, supplemented with a couple of art blogs, culture blogs (movies, books, music), science blogs, etc., in my RSS reader. It makes me informed enough about what's going on that I'm curious to find out more about things or to ask people questions about things I've read about when they tell me about them.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:58 PM on August 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
Sadly the heyday of the daily paper is over (although I suppose the Sunday NYT with all its features sections might still scratch the itch). I find vox.com is an okay replacement for a daily paper in my RSS reader -- I like their arts & culture coverage and they have decent science coverage, supplemented with a couple of art blogs, culture blogs (movies, books, music), science blogs, etc., in my RSS reader. It makes me informed enough about what's going on that I'm curious to find out more about things or to ask people questions about things I've read about when they tell me about them.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:58 PM on August 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
It's clear that this is making me less good at my job, and less interesting to my friends and coworkers -- not to mention, it's no fun for me to walk around feeling like a giant dumbass all the time.
To me your description doesn’t say “boring person,” it says “person who might be suffering.” How sure are you about this self evaluation? It sounds a bit harsh to me and I wonder whether it’s wrong. Are you taking care of yourself in the basic ways - food, sleep, exercise? Are you surrounding yourself with kind people, insofar as you can? If the answer to any of those is no, I think you should try to address those things first. Good luck.
posted by eirias at 3:03 PM on August 21, 2019 [6 favorites]
To me your description doesn’t say “boring person,” it says “person who might be suffering.” How sure are you about this self evaluation? It sounds a bit harsh to me and I wonder whether it’s wrong. Are you taking care of yourself in the basic ways - food, sleep, exercise? Are you surrounding yourself with kind people, insofar as you can? If the answer to any of those is no, I think you should try to address those things first. Good luck.
posted by eirias at 3:03 PM on August 21, 2019 [6 favorites]
Maybe there are things you’re interested in that you haven’t discovered yet, or maybe the friends you enjoy being around have interests that totally don’t interest you. Maybe you’d prefer taking up an activity (doing something) to sitting around hearing your friends discuss an interest.
Maybe you are just content and don’t thirst for knowledge? Don’t talk yourself out of being happy just because you’re different.
posted by sallybrown at 3:12 PM on August 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
Maybe you are just content and don’t thirst for knowledge? Don’t talk yourself out of being happy just because you’re different.
posted by sallybrown at 3:12 PM on August 21, 2019 [1 favorite]
Sounds to me like you've been exerting sheer will to do your job and get through the obligations of everyday life and a relationship to a point of exhaustion, and that you're not getting much pleasure from anything.
And you sound kind of sleep-deprived.
So I think you should first rest and sleep as much as you can as you prune your commitments back to bare necessity in order to give your natural vitality a chance to reassert itself, and then see whether that leads to a renewed flowering of curiosity — which I believe it will.
posted by jamjam at 3:36 PM on August 21, 2019
And you sound kind of sleep-deprived.
So I think you should first rest and sleep as much as you can as you prune your commitments back to bare necessity in order to give your natural vitality a chance to reassert itself, and then see whether that leads to a renewed flowering of curiosity — which I believe it will.
posted by jamjam at 3:36 PM on August 21, 2019
Curious people are looking for trends or theories or themes behind how things are.
They ask the question “and then what?”
See a movie? What was the theme or message? And then what. Theme was “love beats all odds”? Ok what are other theories of love?
Passionate friends? Ask them about the framework of their hobby. And then what. Who are the key thinkers of that framework? Are there other ways to see it?
That’s it. Look for the framework and then ask yourself “and then what?”
Make your own opinion. Then get bored of your own opinion and actively try to see things through the eyes of others.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 4:16 PM on August 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
They ask the question “and then what?”
See a movie? What was the theme or message? And then what. Theme was “love beats all odds”? Ok what are other theories of love?
Passionate friends? Ask them about the framework of their hobby. And then what. Who are the key thinkers of that framework? Are there other ways to see it?
That’s it. Look for the framework and then ask yourself “and then what?”
Make your own opinion. Then get bored of your own opinion and actively try to see things through the eyes of others.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 4:16 PM on August 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
What was the last thing you learned or wanted to learn more about? What was the context? Was there a physical activity or hobby or news item that got you interested within the past few years?
posted by bluedaisy at 4:34 PM on August 21, 2019
posted by bluedaisy at 4:34 PM on August 21, 2019
I agree with several others that you sound like you’re making the best lemonade possible out of some serious-ass burnout lemons right now.
When I saw who had posted this, I thought, “Wait, this person always has such valuable answers for other people’s Asks, on so many different topics!” So, my takeaway, admittedly as someone who’s only ever made worse lemonade out of less-burnt lemons: you’re clearly curious in the sense that you are interested in people, and their problems, and helping them work through those problems.
How does that manifest in your life off the Green? What kinds of problems do you actually love solving?
Please give yourself some credit, too, for actually being interested in the well-being of others. That’s a really important interest to have, and not enough people share it.
posted by armeowda at 5:00 PM on August 21, 2019 [18 favorites]
When I saw who had posted this, I thought, “Wait, this person always has such valuable answers for other people’s Asks, on so many different topics!” So, my takeaway, admittedly as someone who’s only ever made worse lemonade out of less-burnt lemons: you’re clearly curious in the sense that you are interested in people, and their problems, and helping them work through those problems.
How does that manifest in your life off the Green? What kinds of problems do you actually love solving?
Please give yourself some credit, too, for actually being interested in the well-being of others. That’s a really important interest to have, and not enough people share it.
posted by armeowda at 5:00 PM on August 21, 2019 [18 favorites]
People have covered some of the alternate possibilities, so I'll just add that I do think it's entirely plausible for someone to be a generally content, interesting person without those qualities necessarily manifesting themselves in a drive to broadly expand your intellectual horizons.
Maybe one step for now is just to find a different framework for interacting with the world. How about appreciation? The places you're going, and the things you're watching and reading- what do you find particularly fun or notable about them? They don't have to be new things, either- maybe you can look for your favorite aspects of the things you've been doing regularly for years. If I were your friend, I think I'd be more than happy to hear about that.
posted by eponym at 5:06 PM on August 21, 2019 [3 favorites]
Maybe one step for now is just to find a different framework for interacting with the world. How about appreciation? The places you're going, and the things you're watching and reading- what do you find particularly fun or notable about them? They don't have to be new things, either- maybe you can look for your favorite aspects of the things you've been doing regularly for years. If I were your friend, I think I'd be more than happy to hear about that.
posted by eponym at 5:06 PM on August 21, 2019 [3 favorites]
eirias: To me your description doesn’t say “boring person,” it says “person who might be suffering.” How sure are you about this self evaluation? It sounds a bit harsh to me and I wonder whether it’s wrong.
I agree with this. I don't mean to minimize your desire to become more curious, if you actually do want that. But your description of yourself does seem pretty harsh and I bet it is harsher than it needs to be.
It's clear that this is making me less good at my job, and less interesting to my friends and coworkers -- not to mention, it's no fun for me to walk around feeling like a giant dumbass all the time. And it's making me a bad friend, too
Is it clear? Are you sure? I wonder if you talked to your friends and family about this worry what they would say.
It might be worth thinking about two things: a) whether your assessment of yourself as not curious is actually correct, and b) whether being "not curious" in this way is actually a problem. Maybe you don't have that "gotta learn more!" drive that some people do... and maybe that's actually totally fine!
There are a lot of ways to be in the world, y'know? The drive-to-know-more way is a pretty specific way, and I personally think there are a lot of valuable and important ways of being that don't fall into that narrow category.
posted by aka burlap at 5:28 PM on August 21, 2019 [3 favorites]
I agree with this. I don't mean to minimize your desire to become more curious, if you actually do want that. But your description of yourself does seem pretty harsh and I bet it is harsher than it needs to be.
It's clear that this is making me less good at my job, and less interesting to my friends and coworkers -- not to mention, it's no fun for me to walk around feeling like a giant dumbass all the time. And it's making me a bad friend, too
Is it clear? Are you sure? I wonder if you talked to your friends and family about this worry what they would say.
It might be worth thinking about two things: a) whether your assessment of yourself as not curious is actually correct, and b) whether being "not curious" in this way is actually a problem. Maybe you don't have that "gotta learn more!" drive that some people do... and maybe that's actually totally fine!
There are a lot of ways to be in the world, y'know? The drive-to-know-more way is a pretty specific way, and I personally think there are a lot of valuable and important ways of being that don't fall into that narrow category.
posted by aka burlap at 5:28 PM on August 21, 2019 [3 favorites]
My mom is a lot like you. She doesn't enjoy exploring new hobbies or learning a bunch of detailed stuff about things she already does. She only reads mystery novels and spends much of her time doing sudoku and crosswords and watching TV.
And yet, she is totally content. She has lots of friends and they all like her a whole bunch. She is a good listener and is happy to hear as much as you want to tell her on any topic. She's also fine just chatting about the weather or what you did that day or which shade of blue you should get curtains in or whatever.
Not being a lifelong learner doesn't make you a dumbass, or uninteresting. It's ok to just...like what you like and leave it at that.
posted by ananci at 8:20 PM on August 21, 2019 [5 favorites]
And yet, she is totally content. She has lots of friends and they all like her a whole bunch. She is a good listener and is happy to hear as much as you want to tell her on any topic. She's also fine just chatting about the weather or what you did that day or which shade of blue you should get curtains in or whatever.
Not being a lifelong learner doesn't make you a dumbass, or uninteresting. It's ok to just...like what you like and leave it at that.
posted by ananci at 8:20 PM on August 21, 2019 [5 favorites]
I agree with a bunch of points others have made: you might just be overloaded already; don't compare yourself to others; you do you; etc. So while some practical possibilities have occurred to me, I don't think it's important to try them--they're just options that have come to mind.
First, my 'curiosity' at work is sometimes a by-product of trying to deal with downtime productively. Like, if I run into someone in the hall, getting them to talk about what they're working on is maybe slightly more productive than other chitchat, so it's my go-to question (along with other chitchat, obviously). If I need to look away from what I'm working on for a few minutes, reading a work-related newsletter or whatnot is maybe more productive than checking social media. Etc.
I can also think of several times I've enjoyed reading/watching media about other people who are lifelong learners. Hortense Powdermaker's Stranger and Friend leaps to mind--it's a great memoir in which an anthropologist talks about each of the major projects she took up in her career. And on Kanopy right now, if your library will let you sign up, you can see Agnès Varda's From Here to There, a five part series where she basically goes around the world doing her own thing in the arts but films whatever other artists and things she gets curious about along the way, in each case offering herself / her reactions with almost Mr. Rogers level simplicity as sort of a model for how to engage with contemporary art. These might not be relevant to your interests, but my thought is you could look for more relevant models and see what those folks do to select and engage with new things in their domain.
Finally, I think the point people have made that it's not necessary to do any of this can be pretty liberating. What's 'more productive' is very relative, particularly if you're already swamped and really need to de-stress and do nothing at all. But one path sort of between doing things that help your career and doing nothing is to strike off in a random direction--I think that's often what people who seem to be curious are really doing. As a general rule maybe it's not better than staying on familiar ground, but on occasion it is.
posted by Wobbuffet at 11:15 PM on August 21, 2019
First, my 'curiosity' at work is sometimes a by-product of trying to deal with downtime productively. Like, if I run into someone in the hall, getting them to talk about what they're working on is maybe slightly more productive than other chitchat, so it's my go-to question (along with other chitchat, obviously). If I need to look away from what I'm working on for a few minutes, reading a work-related newsletter or whatnot is maybe more productive than checking social media. Etc.
I can also think of several times I've enjoyed reading/watching media about other people who are lifelong learners. Hortense Powdermaker's Stranger and Friend leaps to mind--it's a great memoir in which an anthropologist talks about each of the major projects she took up in her career. And on Kanopy right now, if your library will let you sign up, you can see Agnès Varda's From Here to There, a five part series where she basically goes around the world doing her own thing in the arts but films whatever other artists and things she gets curious about along the way, in each case offering herself / her reactions with almost Mr. Rogers level simplicity as sort of a model for how to engage with contemporary art. These might not be relevant to your interests, but my thought is you could look for more relevant models and see what those folks do to select and engage with new things in their domain.
Finally, I think the point people have made that it's not necessary to do any of this can be pretty liberating. What's 'more productive' is very relative, particularly if you're already swamped and really need to de-stress and do nothing at all. But one path sort of between doing things that help your career and doing nothing is to strike off in a random direction--I think that's often what people who seem to be curious are really doing. As a general rule maybe it's not better than staying on familiar ground, but on occasion it is.
posted by Wobbuffet at 11:15 PM on August 21, 2019
It's clear that this is making me less good at my job, and less interesting to my friends and coworkers -- not to mention, it's no fun for me to walk around feeling like a giant dumbass all the time. And it's making me a bad friend, too
I want to join the chorus of people pointing out that this doesn't seem clear at all.
It's entirely possible that you're the sort of person who's just not that tempted by the lure of novelty and is perfectly content exhausting the depths of the familiar. You write a lot about your fear of being boring, but I didn't see anything about yourself being bored. Your only job is to entertain yourself, and as long as that's the case, you're golden. The affection and appreciation people tend to have for their friends and coworkers typically goes way beyond entertainment value. I don't need people to entertain me; I like people who can entertain themselves - it's only people who need me to entertain them, who can be a bit of a problem, because that gets exhausting. There's no indication at all that you're in that category, so I don't think there's any cause for concern about your interpersonal skills.
But like many other commenters here I wouldn't be surprised either if you're in a fact a deeply curious, passionate person, who's just too damn stressed to connect with that part of themselves. Extrinsic motivation has often been observed to kill intrinsic motivation. You seem to feel a strong extrinsic pressure to change your attitude towards learning, the whole topic apparently triggers a lot of negative self-talk/sense of inferiority. No wonder that you can't find the joy in learning under such conditions!
A word that often goes with "curiosity" is "idle". Because idleness can be kind of a prerequisite. I suspect that's your main issue. You don't get much of a chance to be truly idle. Maybe it's just not feasible with your current living situation, maybe you're being too harsh on yourself to ever indulge in idleness. But either way, you should then give yourself a break about the curiosity thing.
But if you do get a chance to be idle, try taking it. Don't worry a thing about ways to use your spare time for self-improvement projects. Just try to be idle for as long as you can stand it, and see where that takes you. And if it doesn't take you far, there's nothing wrong about that either. See paragraph one, the pleasures of exhausting the dephts of the familiar.
posted by sohalt at 12:25 AM on August 22, 2019
I want to join the chorus of people pointing out that this doesn't seem clear at all.
It's entirely possible that you're the sort of person who's just not that tempted by the lure of novelty and is perfectly content exhausting the depths of the familiar. You write a lot about your fear of being boring, but I didn't see anything about yourself being bored. Your only job is to entertain yourself, and as long as that's the case, you're golden. The affection and appreciation people tend to have for their friends and coworkers typically goes way beyond entertainment value. I don't need people to entertain me; I like people who can entertain themselves - it's only people who need me to entertain them, who can be a bit of a problem, because that gets exhausting. There's no indication at all that you're in that category, so I don't think there's any cause for concern about your interpersonal skills.
But like many other commenters here I wouldn't be surprised either if you're in a fact a deeply curious, passionate person, who's just too damn stressed to connect with that part of themselves. Extrinsic motivation has often been observed to kill intrinsic motivation. You seem to feel a strong extrinsic pressure to change your attitude towards learning, the whole topic apparently triggers a lot of negative self-talk/sense of inferiority. No wonder that you can't find the joy in learning under such conditions!
A word that often goes with "curiosity" is "idle". Because idleness can be kind of a prerequisite. I suspect that's your main issue. You don't get much of a chance to be truly idle. Maybe it's just not feasible with your current living situation, maybe you're being too harsh on yourself to ever indulge in idleness. But either way, you should then give yourself a break about the curiosity thing.
But if you do get a chance to be idle, try taking it. Don't worry a thing about ways to use your spare time for self-improvement projects. Just try to be idle for as long as you can stand it, and see where that takes you. And if it doesn't take you far, there's nothing wrong about that either. See paragraph one, the pleasures of exhausting the dephts of the familiar.
posted by sohalt at 12:25 AM on August 22, 2019
How do I learn to be curious?
This is a bit like asking "How do I learn to formulate a question in English?" - the question itself proves you already know the answer within yourself; and the answer is "ask more questions". I don't mean that to sound glib: AskMe is full of those who are curious about themselves, the world around them and about how to change. There are quite a few people who aren't troubled by these sorts of questions: they learn up to a point and then they are content to stop. Which is fine. But you aren't one of them.
Given this - I think your question is really about how to be more curious. I agree with others who talk about the "burnout" issue: being stuck in a time consuming yet over-familiar job will mean you can get in a situation where you are both too exhausted or consumed by ennui to be curious. So - maybe you need a change. Think of the feeling you get when you have just arrived in new city of country and everything feels different and interesting: to get there you need to travel - you need to shake things up.
For me, school did help me somewhat in becoming curious - for example learning that it was possible to ask much deeper questions about a book than I might have previously believed. But the real boost was leaving school: now the answering of questions ceased to be work and started to be play. Are there possibilities in your life to help you change that mindset?
Finally: every voraciously curious person needs somebody to excitedly tell their discoveries to. Sometimes another curious person is not the best audience for this because they are also desperate to share their own information. So the world needs people whose passion is listening to what others have discovered. That is no less valuable than being the person who mines for the information in the first place.
posted by rongorongo at 1:41 AM on August 22, 2019 [3 favorites]
This is a bit like asking "How do I learn to formulate a question in English?" - the question itself proves you already know the answer within yourself; and the answer is "ask more questions". I don't mean that to sound glib: AskMe is full of those who are curious about themselves, the world around them and about how to change. There are quite a few people who aren't troubled by these sorts of questions: they learn up to a point and then they are content to stop. Which is fine. But you aren't one of them.
Given this - I think your question is really about how to be more curious. I agree with others who talk about the "burnout" issue: being stuck in a time consuming yet over-familiar job will mean you can get in a situation where you are both too exhausted or consumed by ennui to be curious. So - maybe you need a change. Think of the feeling you get when you have just arrived in new city of country and everything feels different and interesting: to get there you need to travel - you need to shake things up.
For me, school did help me somewhat in becoming curious - for example learning that it was possible to ask much deeper questions about a book than I might have previously believed. But the real boost was leaving school: now the answering of questions ceased to be work and started to be play. Are there possibilities in your life to help you change that mindset?
Finally: every voraciously curious person needs somebody to excitedly tell their discoveries to. Sometimes another curious person is not the best audience for this because they are also desperate to share their own information. So the world needs people whose passion is listening to what others have discovered. That is no less valuable than being the person who mines for the information in the first place.
posted by rongorongo at 1:41 AM on August 22, 2019 [3 favorites]
Are you getting enough sleep? A chronic lack of sleep causes all kinds of issues, some less obvious than others. I am much more curious and interested in others when rested.
(OP, please ask a mod to delete this response if the comments below are off the rails.)
Everyone in my life is DYING to teach me one million informations and I can't make myself want to learn them!
So I have ADHD and so does one of my closest friends. He is even more than a chatterbox than I am and often attempts to tell me All The Things at once, basically.
About a year ago I realized that I needed to set some boundaries. Otherwise our friendship was going to crash and burn. I cannot hear All The Things. Almost never. Sometimes a different friend will try to explain something to me in the evening, say, and I politely explain he can tell me about X at an earlier hour on a different day. Because my cognitive resources, including the ability to understand and process ideas, are most limited at the end of the day. My attention span is iffy in general.
That doesn’t mean I’m a bad friend. I am a flawed and wonderful human being who knows a lot about my limitations, and has many truly fabulous friends. So if friends are trying to teach me 1 million things and those are things that do not interest me or that I find overwhelming, I invite them to teach those million things to someone else. Perhaps surprisingly, that makes me a good friend because it protects my relationships and allows me to continue being friends with people I care about because I don’t let them empty me out.
TL;DR; you are being super hard on yourself. I wonder why. In my experience, you are a valuable member of this community, so I don’t recognize your self description. Of course, you aren’t talking about MF. Still, sometimes people want things from us that we don’t want to give or can’t give. That’s okay. That doesn’t make us boring, bad, or rude. It’s like that cliche about leadership: If everyone is a leader, who is left to follow? Followers and others are also important. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 6:34 AM on August 22, 2019 [3 favorites]
(OP, please ask a mod to delete this response if the comments below are off the rails.)
Everyone in my life is DYING to teach me one million informations and I can't make myself want to learn them!
So I have ADHD and so does one of my closest friends. He is even more than a chatterbox than I am and often attempts to tell me All The Things at once, basically.
About a year ago I realized that I needed to set some boundaries. Otherwise our friendship was going to crash and burn. I cannot hear All The Things. Almost never. Sometimes a different friend will try to explain something to me in the evening, say, and I politely explain he can tell me about X at an earlier hour on a different day. Because my cognitive resources, including the ability to understand and process ideas, are most limited at the end of the day. My attention span is iffy in general.
That doesn’t mean I’m a bad friend. I am a flawed and wonderful human being who knows a lot about my limitations, and has many truly fabulous friends. So if friends are trying to teach me 1 million things and those are things that do not interest me or that I find overwhelming, I invite them to teach those million things to someone else. Perhaps surprisingly, that makes me a good friend because it protects my relationships and allows me to continue being friends with people I care about because I don’t let them empty me out.
TL;DR; you are being super hard on yourself. I wonder why. In my experience, you are a valuable member of this community, so I don’t recognize your self description. Of course, you aren’t talking about MF. Still, sometimes people want things from us that we don’t want to give or can’t give. That’s okay. That doesn’t make us boring, bad, or rude. It’s like that cliche about leadership: If everyone is a leader, who is left to follow? Followers and others are also important. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 6:34 AM on August 22, 2019 [3 favorites]
My guess, both from your wish to be more curious, and from your response to someone explaining things to you, is that you judge your self both on what you don't know and on your ability to learn. That is, new knowledge is a threat to you because it makes you feel stupid and it threatens you with a possible inability to understand (which then makes you feel stupid). Warding off those feelings makes you incurious. The way to be curious again would be to stop judging yourself. Easier said than done, but that's where you'll need to go. The first step is to become curious about why you judge yourself this way.
posted by Obscure Reference at 6:51 AM on August 22, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by Obscure Reference at 6:51 AM on August 22, 2019 [5 favorites]
I assume whatever someone has told me is what they wanted to tell me, and generally, I don't feel an urgent need to hear more, so I forget to keep asking questions.
This is viewing the interaction as a learning experience for you, when really what's important is the relationship. You're not asking questions because you care about train lines for titanium mines; you're asking questions because you care about this person (or at least care about looking like you care). So if you keep reminding yourself that the goal is to keep the conversation going, rather than to absorb what they're saying, that should make it easier to remember to ask questions.
You're allowed to forget everything they said immediately after the conversation is over. Sometimes it's easier for me to stay engaged when I remember this; it becomes more clearly a relationship builder than a mental chore.
I often don't feel I have much to bring to conversations, so before social gatherings I'll scan some science/ nature headlines and pick one article I want to read more in-depth just so I have something to talk about if need be. I've talked to sooo many people about mosquito eradication and how freakin' old Greenland sharks are.
posted by metasarah at 10:24 AM on August 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
This is viewing the interaction as a learning experience for you, when really what's important is the relationship. You're not asking questions because you care about train lines for titanium mines; you're asking questions because you care about this person (or at least care about looking like you care). So if you keep reminding yourself that the goal is to keep the conversation going, rather than to absorb what they're saying, that should make it easier to remember to ask questions.
You're allowed to forget everything they said immediately after the conversation is over. Sometimes it's easier for me to stay engaged when I remember this; it becomes more clearly a relationship builder than a mental chore.
I often don't feel I have much to bring to conversations, so before social gatherings I'll scan some science/ nature headlines and pick one article I want to read more in-depth just so I have something to talk about if need be. I've talked to sooo many people about mosquito eradication and how freakin' old Greenland sharks are.
posted by metasarah at 10:24 AM on August 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
Seconding armeowda: the quality of your posts seems rather at odds with your view of yourself. Of course the green is not real life, but your social intelligence and ability to connect with others on a wide range of topics is obvious.
posted by Lycaon_pictus at 12:01 PM on August 22, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by Lycaon_pictus at 12:01 PM on August 22, 2019 [3 favorites]
Something I did that helped a little was to decide that I would have wikipedia easily accessed on my phone, and make a mental note that whenever something does strike me as a topic I should know more about, I should look it up on the spot while I'm still in that moment of being slightly engaged with the topic. I can't always do that, but just having that expectation for myself (that I will look things up in the moment) means I do it more often. (Wikipedia is also good at structuring the quick initial summary to contain the answer you were looking for or show you a rabbit-hole you want to fall down.)
Another trick I use while in the moment, is to open my social media and find + subscribe to a specialized group/feed/subreddit/whatever focused on the topic, a group tightly focused enough that it's not a flood of posts swamping your feed, with enough experts that only high-quality and interesting material manages to butt into your feed and even then only every few days. This sets me up for low-effort longer-term learning and interest, subverting our idle browsing to be a bit less junky.
posted by anonymisc at 1:14 PM on August 22, 2019
Another trick I use while in the moment, is to open my social media and find + subscribe to a specialized group/feed/subreddit/whatever focused on the topic, a group tightly focused enough that it's not a flood of posts swamping your feed, with enough experts that only high-quality and interesting material manages to butt into your feed and even then only every few days. This sets me up for low-effort longer-term learning and interest, subverting our idle browsing to be a bit less junky.
posted by anonymisc at 1:14 PM on August 22, 2019
I wonder if you're just curious about things at a scale that's different from that of most people, or in a way that isn't as common/recognized amongst people? Like, I'm curious about things that are structurally or conceptually similar to each other, but it's more the structure/concept that's interesting to me (or the relationships between the things), so I'm not as interested in doing a deep dive into the things themselves. The things are not the interesting part to me.
So it ends up being a more generalized curiosity, in that happening upon other things that fit whatever pattern (or are notable exceptions to the pattern) is fun for me. But it's not something that I can pursue, exactly, in the way that people typically do with their interests.
It also makes it harder to talk to people about my interests because the people don't usually know enough about all of the different components, so they don't see/care how they fit together. Often I don't bother, because I know it's going to be boring to them. And it depends on other people's interests whether I enjoy hearing/asking about them. If it's something that fits into an overarching interest of mine, then I'm totally set. If not, it's a slog, and I have to fall back on generously generic "tell me more" questions.
posted by unknowncommand at 4:29 PM on August 22, 2019
So it ends up being a more generalized curiosity, in that happening upon other things that fit whatever pattern (or are notable exceptions to the pattern) is fun for me. But it's not something that I can pursue, exactly, in the way that people typically do with their interests.
It also makes it harder to talk to people about my interests because the people don't usually know enough about all of the different components, so they don't see/care how they fit together. Often I don't bother, because I know it's going to be boring to them. And it depends on other people's interests whether I enjoy hearing/asking about them. If it's something that fits into an overarching interest of mine, then I'm totally set. If not, it's a slog, and I have to fall back on generously generic "tell me more" questions.
posted by unknowncommand at 4:29 PM on August 22, 2019
I think you should separate the issues of “not being interested in learning new things” and “not being good at making conversation”. It’s possible there’s some connection, but also possible there isn’t, and it’s all become a BIG THING that is making you think you’re not curious or interesting (not true!). Also, if these issues have solutions, they’re different.
When it comes to conversations, metasarah put it well. You’re thinking of the conversation as a thing to satisfy yourself, that you’re not interested in hearing more from your friend about [topic], and that you guess they don’t have anything further to say about it, so there’s no point in asking any questions.
But you should be thinking of the conversation as a team sport (I don’t enjoy playing team sports, fwiw) - you’re there to help each other achieve something, in this case a conversation that will (gradually) deepen your friendship, or make you both laugh, or cause one or both of you to learn something, or maybe just to fill the time while you wait in line somewhere.
If you don’t have anything you feel like sharing, then your role in this team sport can be to help the other person talk more. Support them and their efforts! Which means asking them questions about whatever they’ve said, now or earlier. Generally people love being asked questions - it means that they don’t have to think of something new to say, because you’re giving them a topic. Thinking of questions to ask can take practice - you need to notice things the other person says that you can pick up on later and ask them about, even if you’re not that interested. The aim is to help the other person talk more, not necessarily to satisfy your curiosity.
(I say all this as someone who aspires to be like this but who is probably more like you at the moment. We can change!)
The other issue - not being interested I’m learning new things - is different. Maybe you don’t have the mental energy to do so, maybe you just haven’t stumbled across interesting-to-you things. That’s fine. Enjoy yourself. Experiment with reading and watching and listening to unlikely things occasionally, in case something new grabs you. But don’t sweat it.
posted by fabius at 5:11 AM on August 23, 2019 [2 favorites]
When it comes to conversations, metasarah put it well. You’re thinking of the conversation as a thing to satisfy yourself, that you’re not interested in hearing more from your friend about [topic], and that you guess they don’t have anything further to say about it, so there’s no point in asking any questions.
But you should be thinking of the conversation as a team sport (I don’t enjoy playing team sports, fwiw) - you’re there to help each other achieve something, in this case a conversation that will (gradually) deepen your friendship, or make you both laugh, or cause one or both of you to learn something, or maybe just to fill the time while you wait in line somewhere.
If you don’t have anything you feel like sharing, then your role in this team sport can be to help the other person talk more. Support them and their efforts! Which means asking them questions about whatever they’ve said, now or earlier. Generally people love being asked questions - it means that they don’t have to think of something new to say, because you’re giving them a topic. Thinking of questions to ask can take practice - you need to notice things the other person says that you can pick up on later and ask them about, even if you’re not that interested. The aim is to help the other person talk more, not necessarily to satisfy your curiosity.
(I say all this as someone who aspires to be like this but who is probably more like you at the moment. We can change!)
The other issue - not being interested I’m learning new things - is different. Maybe you don’t have the mental energy to do so, maybe you just haven’t stumbled across interesting-to-you things. That’s fine. Enjoy yourself. Experiment with reading and watching and listening to unlikely things occasionally, in case something new grabs you. But don’t sweat it.
posted by fabius at 5:11 AM on August 23, 2019 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Ask your friends if they mind you not introducing new topics or interests into their lives. It's possible that you have a different role than they do. If you can sincerely appreciate and encourage their interests, that can be incredibly valuable! It's likely that your friends are your friends precisely because you bring something to the table they don't.
posted by amtho at 1:51 PM on August 21, 2019 [9 favorites]