Fertility panic: Please help!
August 19, 2019 9:50 AM   Subscribe

I'm 34, about to be 35, and I am really panicking about my ability to conceive and timelines. And also that I'm going to drive my boyfriend away with panic. Please help.

I ended up basically being a carer for two people with cancer (my ex boyfriend and my dad) from 30 - 34, and so didn't really have the time to think about children although I knew I wanted them. I did try and talk to my ex-boyfriend about it but he said that it was unfair in the context of him having treatment and so I basically didn't mention it again despite it being a big worry (he then dumped me straight after my dad had died and when he was well again, so this did me no good, and I still feel angry for him at this but that's another story).

I'm now about to turn 35, and very much feel the biological clock ticking. I have a lovely boyfriend (of 8 months) who definitely wants children but not for a few years (he's 31 and says he needs to be in a more financially stable place which I think is fair enough). We don't even live together yet, although things are moving at a nice steady pace. I also know it would be wise to let our relationship establish more and ideally probably just have fun for a couple of years and try and forget the s***show that was ages 30-34 (I think I still have a mild form of PTSD from multiple traumas and losses).

The problem is that I am very panicked that by the time we start trying for a baby I'll be too old, and/or that we'll split up and I'll have to do it on my own. I know this puts a horrible, heavy pressure on the situation and I know that what I need most of all right now - let alone him - is just some fun, carefree time feeling in love and happy for the first time in a very long time.

I have been looking into egg freezing as a fallback, which I hoped would make him feel slightly less pressure, and I haven't pushed him in any way to commit to any kind of timeline with me (although we've had the conversation about when we would ideally want children), but because I'm thinking about this a lot at the moment and generally stressing about my own timeline / the freezing process etc (see below) I cannot have a conversation with him about this without coming off as desperate and pressurey, and because I know this I keep talking about it anyway (in some weird, fatalistic 'dont think about the elephant' way) but whilst I'm quite upset and in a real tizzy.


He's very understanding, and says that my problem is his problem and reassures me we would probably be fine fertility wise (also, I got pregnant twice accidentally in my mid twenties), but I feel awful that I'm putting him under so much pressure so early on and worried I'm going to ruin everything. We've not explicitly said 'I want to have babies with YOU' but we do talk about it indirectly - talking about names, what we would dress our children in, etc. And he reassured me his family is very fertile so he at least hypothetically sees me as the one he wants to have children with and he has said he would like to have two children by the time he's 35 (in four years time).

I went for fertility testing a couple of weeks ago to see what my reserves are and investigate egg freezing and the doctor was incredibly rude. I told him that it was a bit early in my relationship to be asking my boyfriend to test his sperm to reassure me and he said 'If a woman like you asked me to get my sperm tested after 8 months into a relationship I'd run a mile'. This was really upsetting and I think has partly spurred this weird period of upset.

The doctor said the success rates for freezing then thawing eggs when taken at this age was close to 50% but it seems this was wildly inaccurate and official figures are more like 8%? I don't know who to believe.

They also tested my antral follicle at the peak of ovulation. The doctor said 12 was a good number, and then the nurse afterwards told me that was actually a bit low considering my amh levels (26.2) and that that was why there were probably less - they were hiding behind the mature egg and also they die off during the cycle. I don't understand why the clinic let me have the testing if this is the case? I feel like I've spent 100s of pounds for incorrect information (I have since lodged a complaint, at the same time as talking to them about egg freezing and I'm worried they're going to treat me badly because of it). If they had tested on days 1-4 I could had a higher egg number and not felt worried. Also, as I was pretty sure I wanted egg freezing they should have just told me to go ahead with the tests for that as they are the same anyway and included in the package - it's been a complete waste of money which really makes me worry that they just don't care about doing a good job and will sell me anything.

On the money front, I've saved so hard the past few years and have just enough for a very modest house deposit on a two bed flat in London. I'm seriously considering not spending this and instead saving it for the potential IVF I may need a a few years down the line. I know this is last-ditch planning but I would just feel so sad and angry if timing meant I couldn't have child and I've somehow convinced myself I can't keep a relationship and will push this one away as well (I've had a few in my life - ironically, I've ended most of them so I don't know where this insecurity comes from. I guess I felt very rejected and abandoned after my last one).

I'm also incredibly worried about the egg harvesting process as I know I react very strongly to hormones. The pill sent me near suicidal, and I tried a few. I'm very worried about working during the process (I'm self employed and lose money for days off).

All of this came out in one garbled, crying mess to my boyfriend this morning, and I worry it's all very unfair and heavy for him and going to drive him away. But I've become near obsessed. I was all for freezing asap but have since read those statistics and probably need to think again.

I know life is impossible to plan - life has taught me that over and over again recently - but I'd appreciate your thoughts. What would you do? Freeze now and get it over and done with, or wait till I'm maybe feelng less panicked and do it in a better state?

And how do I talk about this with my boyfriend (who wants to know what's going on) without making him feel under huge amounts of pressure and pushing him away? The anxiety about doing that is ironically making me even more clingy and weird about it all and I'm very embarrassed. I'm pretty calm and cool otherwise!

Sorry for the garbled spiel. Haven't slept properly in two days due to this worry, which seems to be getting worse as 35 approaches next week!

Would appreciate any views / reassurance / blunt truth at this point. Am I being overly panicked? How do I relax about this?
posted by starstarstar to Health & Fitness (32 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
 
Look, some of these concerns are valid, and some aren't, but the bigger issue is your anxiety about this issue. Please seek out therapy - not because there's anything wrong with you but because you're having a lot of emotions and feelings and thoughts and you need a safe space to talk through them all.
posted by brainmouse at 9:56 AM on August 19, 2019 [16 favorites]


One thing that should make you feel better is those accidental pregnancies. A fair amount of infertility that gets attributed to age is actually women who would have had fertility issues at any age, but didn’t try to get pregnant until late so they didn’t identify their issues earlier. You know you’re not in that category.
posted by LizardBreath at 9:58 AM on August 19, 2019 [12 favorites]


the doctor was incredibly rude. I told him that it was a bit early in my relationship to be asking my boyfriend to test his sperm to reassure me and he said 'If a woman like you asked me to get my sperm tested after 8 months into a relationship I'd run a mile'. This was really upsetting and I think has partly spurred this weird period of upset.

OK, FUCK THIS GUY. REALLY. I hope your complaint included this UNBELIEVABLY unprofessional remark. JESUS.

Your freezing your eggs is about you, not about your boyfriend. No one says it has to be his sperm. Just...leave him out of the equation when it comes to those calculations.

With respect to putting too much pressure on your boyfriend, etc.: you cannot make yourself small enough and light enough not to be deemed too much of a burden by a man who isn't supportive. Eight months in is enough to ask for emotional support through this process. Newsflash: if he can't handle that, he's never going to be any good to you. Sounds like you already lost several years down to the drain to a man-baby and you don't feel you can afford to lose any more. Save time and find out!
posted by praemunire at 10:01 AM on August 19, 2019 [59 favorites]


Seconding brainmouse. Please oh please go look for a therapist or counselor. You have lost so much in your life. Also, I promise you (as a mother and grandmother) that any challenging work you do with a good therapist will make you so much more equipped to be a capable mom when the time comes. So do it for yourself and do it for any future children. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 10:03 AM on August 19, 2019 [3 favorites]


Your freezing your eggs is about you, not about your boyfriend. No one says it has to be his sperm. Just...leave him out of the equation when it comes to those calculations.

QFT, praemunire is exactly right.
posted by Bella Donna at 10:04 AM on August 19, 2019 [7 favorites]


OK, let's talk fertility science. I got pregnant at 36 after some time trying and have looked long and hard at these questions. Your concern is valid in that there is a decline in fertility - but your fear is framing it like the instant you turn 35 you can never get pregnant. That's not how it is, it is not a steep decline, it is a gradual slope. It gets harder to conceive and there are more complications, yes, but it's not like there's this complete drop-off. Here are some articles for a reality check, please read them.

http://theconversation.com/hard-evidence-does-fertility-really-drop-off-a-cliff-at-35-29113
https://expectingscience.com/2015/03/06/the-mythical-fertility-cliff-at-age-35/
https://evidencebasedbirth.com/advanced-maternal-age/

Also, yes, the previous pregnancies are a good sign, you know you do not have a big problem with infertility. The problems you might be facing are a slightly increased risk of chromosomal disorders (e.g. Down Syndrome), higher possibility of miscarriage, a potentially higher risk of stillbirth, etc--these are the things that go up with age, but it is possible to get pregnant all the way until menopause if you have been pregnant before.

I would not worry about not being able to get pregnant right now. The science suggests you should probably not wait too many more years, but it is not necessary to panic. I do not think that egg freezing is going to give you any particular advantage.
posted by epanalepsis at 10:06 AM on August 19, 2019 [11 favorites]


Your freezing your eggs is about you, not about your boyfriend. No one says it has to be his sperm. Just...leave him out of the equation when it comes to those calculations.

Exactly! Honestly, I think it would be worth the peace of mind to go ahead and freeze your eggs if you are in a position to do so. Can't hurt and you'd feel better knowing you have a backup plan.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 10:13 AM on August 19, 2019 [1 favorite]


I also think, gently, that perhaps if this man doesn't want the same things as you (a child NOW, for example) you are misaligned. It isn't weird or wrong to want kids as a woman in your 30's, and if you want kids this much, there are other paths if your boyfriend isn't interested now. You have framed this as an all-or-nothing question, either he wants kids now or you are going to have to wait and face challenges. But what if, for example, you could buy sperm from a cryobank and get pregnant in a few months with IUI, without him? That would cost much less than a flat in London and might give you a child as soon as next year. Yes, this would change your relationship with your boyfriend, but would that scenario be worth the trade-offs? There are yet more possibilities. I suggest you think about whether you'd rather the kid, or rather the kid with him, or rather have him with no kids, and then ponder all of your possible options in those scenarios.

I am also really worried about your level of anxiety. Please seek professional help, if you are really this distressed (not sleeping?!) this should be your first task on the road to motherhood. Please attend to your emotional and mental health for your own sake, and for the sake of your future children, who will certainly benefit from having a healthier parent.
posted by epanalepsis at 10:16 AM on August 19, 2019 [12 favorites]


Exactly! Honestly, I think it would be worth the peace of mind to go ahead and freeze your eggs if you are in a position to do so. Can't hurt and you'd feel better knowing you have a backup plan.

This, but I would go to a different clinic. ANd your concerns about how hormones affect you are something you can bring up with your new reproductive endocrinologist.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 10:32 AM on August 19, 2019 [2 favorites]


I don't know The Answer (largely because there isn't an easy answer) but I do think:

* Please stop being so hard on yourself for being 'unfair' to your boyfriend. Your concerns are reasonable and realistic. Yes, they might be putting a lot of pressure on a relatively young relationship, but the cause of that pressure is the tricky position the pair of you find yourselves in, not you being unreasonable. You're just stating some pretty clear facts that he would prefer not to have to think about. You don't have that luxury. Unfortunately this accompanied by a wider societal pattern of treating women who'd like to have kids before their fertile window closes as if they're simultaneously crazed lunatics who are baby mad, and also, somehow, sad spinsters who didn't care enough about it to do it earlier. That's probably why you're feeling embarrassed. You have nothing to feel embarrased about - these are sensible and valid things to be bringing into discussion at your age.

* he (...) says that my problem is his problem and reassures me we would probably be fine fertility wise - He is not a doctor, and he has no place reassuring you that you'll be fine fertility wise, unless he somehow knows what's going on inside you. Assuming he's not also your gynecologist, don't base anything on his assurances. He's probably trying to be kind, but saying that is not really helpful. I don't mean panic right now, but I do mean don't necessarily just sit and wait until such a time as he decides he's ready, based on his own assessment of how long he thinks you can afford to wait.

* Having gotten pregnant in your 20s is indeed proof you didn't have any major fertility problems then. But it's not reason to think you can wait indefinitely in the hope your boyfriend becomes ready. Getting pregnant in your late 30s is just not like getting pregnant in your 20s.

* Is there another fertility clinic you could go to where you might find a doctor who's less of a dick? I couldn't really follow your test results stuff but just the way the guy spoke to you was abhorrent and that alone would be enough to make me want to go somewhere else if you decide to continue exploring that route. You can search on the HFEA website for fertility clinics and the results include patient ratings from people who've been treated there.

So yes, as others have said, a therapist sounds like a good idea. Unless your boyfriend turns around and says "OK, let's have babies!" tomorrow, you inevitably have some difficult choices ahead, so find yourself an ally who is uninvolved and on your side to help you explore those choices (btw, as mentioned above, single motherhood by choice is a thing, there are loads of resources online, and might be one of the choices you consider).

YMMV, but if it's any comfort, I think birthdays are huge amplifiers of this kind of panic, so IME you might feel slightly less panicked and more clear-headed in a month or so. Just in case that's a relief to know. As mentioned above, while you might not want to wait three years in the hope your boyfriend becomes ready, only to find he actually doesn't... you also don't have to do something today. Or tomorrow. Or next month. You have time to breathe and think.
posted by penguin pie at 10:34 AM on August 19, 2019 [8 favorites]


So, I'm not a doctor.

But, I believe I have gone through a similar experience (from the male partner side, but...)

My wife was 33/34 when we were married. She's older than I am, as well. We now have 3 boys, the youngest having been born when she was 41, the first was born when she was about 35.

All are healthy and happy. There are more concerns, of course, health-wise during (gestational diabetes, need for bed rest, etc), and also higher chance of miscarriage in general. But, the point I'm trying to make is that being mid-30's is not a 'panic' time.

Though, given your doctor's behavior, I'd likely move on and get someone else because he sounds like an absolute jack ass.

There likely will be some issues and nail-biting, but I think that's true whenever and regardless of age. One of our doctors remarked that there were likely always a high case of early miscarriages, but no one really knew about them before the EPT tests got so good.

So, just in closing, my (now) wife told me in no uncertain terms that when we started dating, she didn't want to waste a lot of time because her "clock was ticking." It seems your current boyfriend understands that.. but you'll never be in a place you feel financially stable..

He'll really have to get over that point.. especially at 31 years old.. a year or two isn't going to make a huge difference in that department. Do some planning exercises - make a budge for what it'd be like now, with your current finances, and where he'd expect to be in 2 years.

I think you'll see it's not that big of a difference. Get the flat, and worry about fertility treatments in 5 years if nothing has worked by then. (side note, my sister wasn't able to have kids, went through all the treatments, etc.. so I've seen that side, too)
posted by rich at 10:54 AM on August 19, 2019 [7 favorites]


I think 31 is old enough to shit or get off the pot, so to speak. Your concerns regarding your fertility are valid and if you can afford to freeze your eggs then that is a great option.

But your boyfriend can handle some pressure. He’s 31, not 19. Sure he wants to fuck around for 2 more years. 2 more years to you is a legit decline in your fertility. What is 2 years of fucking around worth to him?
posted by pintapicasso at 11:17 AM on August 19, 2019 [10 favorites]


Response by poster: Interesting responses, thanks so much guys.

Rich - how old were you when you met your wife?

To all the people who are saying I should maybe tell me boyfriend 'it's now or never' type thing -- I'm not so sure about this, but it is interesting. I wouldn't want to immediately have a baby with just anyone, and realistically it would take me at least another year of intense dating (which I did to find this one) to find someone I get on so well with and can see a future with, then another year or so of getting to know them, which would effectively be a similar time frame to us starting to think about trying, I'm pretty sure (he wants two in the next four years).

I'm pretty sure this guy would be a great dad, and I really would not want to single parent. I've thought about it a lot, but as much as anything it's just too expensive and precarious financially when i'm freelance. I'd have to be in a job for two years to get any decent maternity rights too. So doing it with someone else is by far the preference. I don't want to be a lonely, stressed out mum and I don't have a good support network family wise.

He does know this is a priority for me, and has said he would feel awful if he wasted my time. We have explicitly agreed that if he ever feels like I'm not the one he wants to do these things with, he will let me know so I can get on with my life.

He is quite broody, and talks about kids a lot, but I do think it's understandable that this feels like a premature conversation given we haven't even spoken about living together. Perhaps this should be real concern: when we're taking the next step, instead of the third or fourth? He's hinted he'd like to start thinking about it soon, whilst I've been so distracted by all this.


Maybe i'm being an idiot and just prioritise someone who explicitly wants a kid in, like, a year. But I've had too many long term relationships that I've ended because I didn't want to spend my life with that person, and I know the hell of knowing you're not with the right man every day. I'm really not sure I want to compromise on that, as i feel that it would in the end be worse for the kid?

Maybe an explicit chat in a couple of months in to say I want to try by my 37th birthday would be a compromise. Plus frozen embryos with donor sperm in the meantime for the going it alone option?

By then, gah, I could have found someone who's more viable in that time. This is such a headf***!
posted by starstarstar at 11:28 AM on August 19, 2019


Why do you think you need to have some fun and relax first? Is this your own desire speaking or a social expectation?

You are obsessing and trying to over-control the uncontrollable. Every option before you has you freaked out that for some reason it'll be the Wrong Choice. In short, you sound like me. Seek counseling to figure out what you want here! It helps, I swear. Someone to talk things over with who doesn't have a stake in your choice beyond wanting you to make the right choice FOR YOU is so valuable.
posted by Lady Li at 11:30 AM on August 19, 2019 [1 favorite]


I think what that doctor was trying in a hamfisted way to say was that no one likes being objectified. If a man feels like he is just a sperm factory, rather than a partner, he might decide that he wants to be with someone who wants him as a whole person. I think this is true of most people, for most values of objectified; they don't want to feel that they are just a financial provider, or just a [insert attractive body part here], or just a therapist, or just a housekeeper. It's a sad irony that you took care of people for so long and now you're not in a position to get this thing you want, and I'm sorry you got screwed by life. I'm not saying your boyfriend feels "used", but it's something to consider.

It's also true that several "milestones" you've not done are less consequential than having kids. Moving in together could be done and reversed within a couple of months, marriage or buying a house maybe a few years. But having a kid is forever. And it's very challenging, everyone needs to be on the same team, and negotiating support structures on the fly with a partner and possibly the partner's family is going to make that harder. There's a good reason why people tend to take things one at a time. Not that you have to if the time is right for you and the other people involved. You seem like a good person who'd make a good parent and I hope you figure out a way to get there.
posted by wnissen at 11:40 AM on August 19, 2019


Your update really reiterates - this is about fears you have more than it's about an actual choice in front of you. You've just had a very intense exposure to mortality. It makes sense for you to have a different (valid) perspective and also to be in a bit of a panic - not only about the time you've lost but about the shape of your whole life, about endings and closing doors and age and loss.

You don't have a perfect option in front of you that will guarantee you get what you want here with no more to grieve. You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking the next steps. Good luck, and I hope whatever you choose (today and tomorrow and in a year), that you also find peace of mind.
posted by Lady Li at 11:44 AM on August 19, 2019 [5 favorites]


Here's a thing that concerns me, from your update:

If "finding someone who's more viable in that time" seems like an equally good/bad option to waiting a little bit for the current boyfriend to be ready, I think you might want to do some thinking about how you really feel about the boyfriend aside from his willingness to father your children. I mean, I'm sure you like him and all, but if you're thinking it might be worth breaking up with him to find someone who's willing to impregnate you sooner, then I think the relationship itself isn't ready to go to any of the next steps until you've got that part figured out.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 12:01 PM on August 19, 2019 [3 favorites]


First, not sure if you said this and I missed it: is your boyfriend definitely someone you love and see yourself spending your life with?

If yes, then maybe it's time to start thinking not exactly in terms of an ultimatum, but in terms of "let's start treating this, together, as a serious relationship leading to kids in the next year or two, and see how we feel about it". So maybe moving in together, to see how you get along, how you deal with practical things like dividing the workload, etc. Maybe him starting to think really seriously about his life with kids in it in the next 2 rather than the next 4 years, getting his life in order for it, etc. You'd both give that a try and evaluate how you're feeling about it over the next 6-12 months.

If no... as people have said above, there's more than one way to do things, and there are better ways than having a kid with someone you're not actually sure you want to be with.
posted by trig at 12:06 PM on August 19, 2019 [3 favorites]


Response by poster: Sorry to thread-sit, but Serene Empress Dork - I mustn't have articulated my point well, because I meant that I do not see things this way and that it has taken me a lot of time to find someone that I can genuinely see myself having kids and being very happy with, so the idea that I would give that up just to find a viable sperm donor (basically) is not attractive.

The 'piss or get off the pot' mentality that I pick up on a lot in these conversations is what's perhaps making me feel antsy about my boyfriend because he's not committing right now to a definite timeline, but I also think it's perfectly reasonable to let a relationship evolve in the likelihood that I'm going to be fine (given my previous pregnancies and good fertility hormone levels etc). But I can't help that it also makes me very very anxious that I'm essentially leaving it up this relationship to decide for me. It feels like a lot of pressure. But I think I'd rather do it with someone I see a future with than someone who just wants babies. I'm sure a lot of bad relationships are made that way.

Hey, maybe i just answered my own question!
posted by starstarstar at 12:06 PM on August 19, 2019 [2 favorites]


Oh, and don't just talk with him about baby names and clothes: talk about parenting approaches, schools, what you learned from your childhoods, what you like about how your parents raised you and what you think would have been better done differently, how you'll split the workload, what expectations you find you have, how you think you'd deal if reality turns out differently, how you'll deal with the hard times, and what having kids means to each of you. You need to know that you're on, if not the same page on everything, at least a compatible one.
posted by trig at 12:14 PM on August 19, 2019 [9 favorites]


when I was 33 I got broken up with by my then boyfriend. I pestered a lot about getting married and he wasn’t so sure (really it wasn’t a priority for him at all, and probably not actually with me- ever) after that break up I nursed my wounds and decided I needed to get super serious and only date men who were completely serious about getting married and having children. Because I needed to meet the person, date them, and then decided to start trying, right? Guess what!? I met a guy 2 months later who i fancied the pants off of and fell in love with and we accidentally got pregnant 3 months into the relationship even though I had the coil (although we had already committed to trying after we had built the relationship) and we got married and had the baby and then had another one right after. It’s been super hard because kids are, just, wow, so much work- so definitely you need to be with someone who is committed and in good faith starting a family. But it was so nice to meet a man who I fancied and who wanted a family and we could just get down to business. I mean, isn’t the honeymoon period where you’re meant to be so full of love hormones that propel you to start a family before reality kicks in? All I want to say is that your timeline can be speeded up. Doesn’t mean it will be easy, but not necessarily a disaster either.
posted by catspajammies at 12:24 PM on August 19, 2019 [5 favorites]


Also, even if you are easily able to get pregnant, which is most likely- when you get to your later 30’s being pregnant can take a lot out of you physically- so you want to go into it feeling healthy and pretty physically fit- making that a goal might reduce your anxiety... but really pay attention to your body and be kind to yourself.
posted by catspajammies at 12:30 PM on August 19, 2019 [3 favorites]


What jumps out to me is how apologetic you are about your desire to have a baby right away, as if you're wrong and bad and "too much" and unfair to your boyfriend.

My wish for you is that you can give yourself a safe space where you can talk and mull and consider all your thoughts and desires without shame, without feeling like you are committing thought crimes.

Practically, this means psychotherapy and counseling. Nthing the idea that you need a therapist!
posted by MiraK at 12:40 PM on August 19, 2019 [4 favorites]


he has said he would like to have two children by the time he's 35 (in four years time).

Damn men, they can’t plan these things for shit and think babies just happen. If he’s 31 now that means either start trying next year, or have them back to back (ugh) in two years.

Freeze your eggs to get the pressure off.

Your amh levels sound great, mine was a 6 and I just had a baby at 39.

Open up to your bf. Tell him these worries. Ask your him if that means you start trying next year. Do you want to get married first? Plan that in. Get him to actually think about how these things time out. Get him to commit to a timeframe that you’re ok with, and if he reneges in a year then leave.

Get support for what sounds like crippling anxiety.

Lastly, try to stop thinking of these things as Must Haves. Children add to but certainly Do Not complete a life. Anxiety makes you feel like you’d be drastically missing out but there are many ways to live a life.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:07 PM on August 19, 2019 [7 favorites]


FWIW I had my son when I was 27, got pregnant on the first try, and I am pregnant (again on the first try) at 36 (father is 38), I was expecting it to take longer this time. My mom had babies into her late 30's, a girlfriend of mine with several kids is 40 and pregnant again, I know several other women having babies in their late 30's and early 40's, sometimes unintentionally because they figured they were past their prime as well. If you are fertile it's not the steep cliff they make you feel awaits you past 35 and I needed to remind myself of that too.

If your boyfriend is willing to move in with you within a year, and start trying as soon as you're moved in together, I would say don't freeze your eggs but focus on taking care of yourself and continuing to save. Perhaps you can encourage your boyfriend by pointing out how the two of you can save money by pooling resources and moving in together sooner (also point out as above that his calculations are a bit off as noted above).
posted by lafemma at 1:44 PM on August 19, 2019


he has said he would like to have two children by the time he's 35 (in four years time).

And he wants to wait a year or two until starting to try? Is he aware that pregnancy lasts 9 months? That's almost a year. I've posted this elsewhere on AskMe, but here's my timeline:

I started trying for a baby when I was 36. It took 11 months of trying to conceive. (No fertility issues were identified, just bad luck, irregular cycles, etc.) Then I was pregnant for nine months, giving birth at age 38. Then it took 18 months for my period to come back again (!) (this is definitely on the lengthy side, in part because we were still breastfeeding, but I know a lot of people who took at least nine months to get theirs again). And now I've been trying for baby #2 for about 4 months, and I'm 40.

The update is that I finally got pregnant after I think 9? months of trying the second time and had our second child when I was 41. So for us, having two kids "as fast as possible" equated to five years from when we first began trying until the second child was born. And I consider ourselves somewhere between average and lucky based on some of what my friends went through. Also, the point above about "do you want to get married?" is a good one. (We started trying not long after getting engaged.)
posted by slidell at 1:51 PM on August 19, 2019 [7 favorites]


I understand that your boyfriend wants to have kids in the next four years. You need to have a very frank conversation that if he wants to have kids WITH YOU, it will have to be sooner. Give him your timeframe. (I’ll leave it up to you to decide when that that is.) Tell him you love him, but you want kids and you don’t have four years to wait. Then see what he says and if it sparks a conversation. If he runs screaming, that’s not a bad thing. You just saved yourself years of waiting for the wrong person while time is running out. Never feel bad for asking for what you want. You might not get it but at least you’ll know.
posted by Jubey at 4:41 PM on August 19, 2019


I’m 38, I froze my eggs a few months ago. Do that if you can afford it (but find a different clinic!) The shots are terrible, you’ll be a mess, but they last less than two weeks, and after a month you’ll be back to normal. It’s a shitty painful godawful process and you might curse my name while you do for recommending it. And right, it’s of course not guaranteed that it will result in a baby. But it gives you an option. It will give you some peace of mind. It freezes your fertility at this fertile age and my doctor (one of the top in NYC) pointed out that I could use these eggs and be pregnant even after menopause if I really wanted. You can also do two cycles of egg freezing to get more eggs.

The peace of mind is so damned worth it I would have paid even more than I did. It doesn’t erase all of the worries, but it quiets them all down so you can think. Instead of feeling like “oh my god, if I want a baby, the clock is ticking and is this man a potential father? Am I wasting my time?”, you have breathing room. My doctor said you have given yourself a gift of time. But it also gave me control. You can’t know for sure if this boyfriend will father your children right now. You can’t know for sure if you’ll even get pregnant. All of that is out of your control. But freezing your eggs is something you can choose to do. It’s your choice.

And getting to make any choice at all in my own fertility when everything else was spiraling out of my control was worth every single penny.
posted by umwhat at 5:09 PM on August 19, 2019


If you look up my name here, you’ll see that I’ve had my own fertility freak-outs. I think it’s a normal part of being a woman in your 30s especially since I feel like we get drilled into our heads that our fertility effectively ends at 35.

If you have an OB, I’d ask them what the process would be if you had a hard time getting pregnant. Some OBs will put you on fertility drugs after you try getting pregnant for 6 months and aren’t successful, others wait 12 months. If you can get the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility, I’ve heard good things.

Re: your boyfriend, if he’s a good person for you, talking about this stuff won’t scare him off, and you don’t need him to get pregnant. I don’t think you need to give him any sort of ultimatum at this point but it might be worth saying simply, this is something that’s important to me so if you start to think you’re not on board, I want to know sooner rather than later. Leave the door open for future conversations and possible check-ins as things go along. That said, you might want to be sure he’s aware of how math works. Two kids in four years is possible but I think a lot of doctors recommend at least a year between pregnancies. Assuming it takes some time to conceive, that’s a tight timeline.

When I had freak-outs about fertility or other Big Life Stuff, making a plan helped me stay sane. What are concrete things you could do that would help you prepare to start trying to get pregnant? Getting a good OB, reading more about fertility and how to get pregnant (for most people, there are a few days per month that are ideal for conceiving), looking into maternity leave, researching how much nannies cost are a few examples. And think about things you’d like to do before you start trying to get pregnant (for example, live with your boyfriend for six months). And this can be part of an ongoing dialogue with your boyfriend - what would he like to do before having a kid? Would he want to get married first? Would he take paternity leave? Where would he like to raise a kid?

I agree that therapy is a good idea for reasons suggested already but also because getting pregnant when you’re older puts you at higher risk for certain things and you’ll want coping skills for when you’re waiting to get test results back and such (ask me how I know).
posted by kat518 at 6:17 PM on August 19, 2019 [1 favorite]


Dear starstarstar, I so recognize myself in you. There's a special kind of panic and fear that sets in when your highest desire is to have children and life doesn't seem to be cooperating. It's irrational and deeply biological and it just sucks to be in the grip of it. Ask me how I know. So here are my thoughts for you:

1) Find a therapist to talk to. Not because there's anything wrong with you or how you're feeling, but because this is deep, deep shit that you are biologically programmed to struggle with and almost impossible to process on your own if your partner isn't on the same page.

2) With your therapist, explore the various choices available to you. There are actually a lot, even though right now you may be feeling powerless. You can talk to your boyfriend and find a timeline you can both live with - for example, giving the relationship 6 months (with no pregnancy talk) to see how you both feel at that point, and then make a decision. You can freeze your eggs and get pregnant later. You can get pregnant now, with or without your boyfriend. Becoming a single mom now doesn't mean you can't meet someone later. You can adopt. There really are a lot of options for how you can build the family you want, and spending some time talking to a professional about how you feel about the various paths will not only be super helpful, but also relieve some of the all-consuming pressure to GET. PREGNANT. NOW.

3) Also with your therapist, explore what your lines are. For example, you may decide that having a partner to raise the child with is more important to you than just having a child. Or you may decide that you're OK with IUI, but not with IVF. Or that drug X is OK, but not drug Y. Or that you'll spend up to Z, but not more. Etc etc. The reason I recommend exploring this line is to help inform the actions you take now. The lines may change as you progress, and that's totally OK too - it's all helpful input to guide your decisions.

4) Lastly, the advice to try to sort this out without factoring in your boyfriend's feelings is really good, in my opinion. Given how strongly you feel about becoming a mother, this is bigger than him and something you owe to yourself and to the relationship to get clearer about, without pulling him with you through the emotional rollercoaster. Not because you need to protect his feelings, but because his feelings will muddy the water and not allow you to see your own clearly.

I was panicking as well in my early-to-mid 30s. I did some of this work, ended up finding a partner who also wanted kids, and then had to go through IUI and IVF, whose roller coaster highs and lows are pure hell. But. I got pregnant with twins at 35, had them at 36 and another child at 38. All 3 of them are doing amazingly well and motherhood is absolutely everything I wanted it to be, and so much more. Incredibly hard and the most fun I've ever had in my life. Deep breaths, find the support you need, and go forth and conquer. You've got this.
posted by widdershins at 7:26 AM on August 20, 2019 [3 favorites]


I had my own fertility panic at 34, so I get where you're coming from. My now-husband and I started trying at 35 and conceived right away. As my midwife said, the 35 thing is arbitrary - "they have to draw the line somewhere." She said 30 years ago, 30 was the magic number, now it's 35, and, in her opinion, she expects that someday it will be revised again to 38 or 40.

I second therapy as a great way to talk through the anxiety. I also recommend learning as much as you can about what fertility actually entails and how to maximize your chances when you're ready. A lot of healthy lifestyle changes take a few months to affect your actual fertility, so it can be a good project to make you feel proactive while sorting out the actual logistics/partner issues. "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" is a fantastic book, and the Fertility Friday Podcast has 200+ episodes on all kinds of different fertility topics. I've worked my way through the archive to listen to the more relevant episodes - especially on nutrition - and it's been really eye-opening as we recently conceived again at 38.

And definitely find a new RE who's more sympathetic.

You've got this!
posted by writermcwriterson at 7:52 AM on August 20, 2019


I just want to say that you've had a crappy time of it, you've done the right thing, and are in a difficult place because of it. That deserves recognition, and often doesn't get it. I wish you the very best; you deserve it/
posted by theora55 at 8:33 PM on August 20, 2019


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