How to get 7 year old niece to wear underwear or shorts when visiting?
August 17, 2019 8:49 AM   Subscribe

My 7 year old niece has ADHD with some oppositional defiance and sensory issues. She has 2 skirts that she wears almost exclusively but always without underwear. She has, in the past, worn shorts or skorts and when fall comes she'll be wearing pants so the issue will resolve itself eventually. I suggested using a safety pin on the inner layer of the skirt to "skorten" it but she refuses.


I try to spend a few hours with her almost every day but since her boycott I can only watch her at her house in the country, which makes it hard for my sister to have time to herself.

I'd like to take her for bike rides and for her to be able to play with the kids in my neighborhood but the underwear thing really limits what we can do. My housemate works shifts so he is often home when my niece is here.

Additionally, I was estranged from her mom for most of her life. We are just getting to know eachother again. I don't want to be a hard-ass and alienate them from me. My sister is utterly exhausted and has her own battles with my niece. I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse so there's an added layer of anxiety for me when taking her out in public.

I am at a loss as to how to handle this situation. Should I just let it go? Any wisdom is much appreciated!
posted by i_mean_come_on_now to Human Relations (27 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
To be honest, I'd personally let it go and take her out in public without worrying about it (unless the skirts are very short and it's a hygiene issue). But it's understandable for this to be an issue for *you* outside of any concerns about her.

On the more practical side, have you tried planning activities that involve water and asking that she wear a bathing suit (perhaps under the skirt just in case / so she doesn't have to change)?
posted by cogitron at 8:56 AM on August 17, 2019 [9 favorites]


are there any cartoons she likes? Ponies or Dora or whatever? Kids' underwear comes with every kind of branding; maybe if you found out a favorite cartoon/brand you could get her a special present of that kind of underwear that she would enjoy wearing? (nb don't forget the boys' section, it'll solve your problem just as well and they sell such fun stuff
posted by fingersandtoes at 8:57 AM on August 17, 2019 [1 favorite]


Is it possible she only wants to visit at her home and knows that if she doesn’t wear underwear she won’t have to leave home?
posted by ElizaMain at 9:01 AM on August 17, 2019 [12 favorites]


I have sensory issues and growing up refused to wear underwear until I was 5. My parents just rolled with it. I grew out of it once I realized 'big girls' wore underwear. She'll most likely grow out of it.
posted by tooloudinhere at 9:02 AM on August 17, 2019 [2 favorites]


Just let it go. Why would she need underwear to play with her friends? She’s 7. This situation will resolve itself in a matter of weeks anyway. I don’t really understand why you would force a child to stay inside just because she wasn’t wearing panties under her skirt. If these other kids are around her age, they’re not going to react in a sexual way—although they might say something, and criticism from peers would probably convince your niece faster than anything coming from you. And if there ARE sexual predators in your circle, panties aren’t gonna stop them.
posted by Autumnheart at 9:03 AM on August 17, 2019 [11 favorites]


Maybe she needs something softer or without seams, because of the sensory stuff? Does she need satiny undies? Or "slip shorts" which are slippery like a slip, but in the shape of bicycle shorts. (They're not tight - not like Spanx.) For all of those things, I'd also experiment with them being inside-out, so any seam is on the outside.
posted by BlahLaLa at 9:04 AM on August 17, 2019 [6 favorites]


Since the skort option is equally unpleasant to her, this might not be the case but—has anyone asked her why she doesn’t like underwear? Children can get UTIs and more rarely yeast infections (especially if they’re sitting on bus seats etc without undies) so they might be uncomfortable for her if she’s itchy or feels like she needs to pee all the time.
I will also say as an adult who wears skirts, it’s more comfortable to not have underwear since it “catches” the fabric and pulls the skirt around weird (I also have sensory stuff going on) and I solve this by wearing extremely thin cotton-blend undies, which don’t bind but also are close enough to my skin to not bunch up under skirts. The thicker style common for kiddos drove me bonkers as a kid and still does. Don’t know what options outside the classic thick, binding cotton exist for children though. Modal fabrics, if they exist in that market, might be worth looking for.
posted by zinful at 9:08 AM on August 17, 2019 [9 favorites]


There are tons of leggings for girls. Maybe some Capri length leggings under a skirt would be acceptable to her.
posted by Autumnheart at 9:10 AM on August 17, 2019 [3 favorites]


I am a victim of childhood sexual abuse so there's an added layer of anxiety for me when taking her out in public.

I think this might be skewing your views on what is or isn’t appropriate for your niece to do and where she can or can’t go while not wearing underwear. It’s not clear to me from the question—have you talked to her parents about this? Is it their rules that make you think she can’t go outside without underwear?
posted by sallybrown at 9:12 AM on August 17, 2019 [16 favorites]


On the fit front, my 8-year-old is very picky about underpants. She won’t wear the kind that has just elastic at the waist and leg openings, but will wear the kind that has fabric in those locations. We are in the US and rely on the Cat & Jack brand from Target.
Also, I don’t know where you and other commenters are or how active your niece is, but I’m in a fairly liberal part of New England and I would not have felt comfortable sending my daughter out into the world in a skirt and no underpants after maybe age 3 or 4.
posted by ElizaMain at 9:12 AM on August 17, 2019 [22 favorites]


You might ask mom something like I noticed kid isn't wearing any underwear lately, and I'd like to take her to xyz, is that ok? Let mom set limits for activities and or excursions don't set them yourself.

You may be able to get some buy in with a costume /pjs, pants etc instead, just by asking. And or is perfectly OK to give a child who is seven options: if we go to the park you can wear this OR that OR we can stay at home. Let her have ownership of the choice to stay at home. You can also let her problem solve with you.

For example:
Outside when you wear a skirt people don't want to see (insert whatever terms you and or family is using for atatomy here). I notice you aren't wearing underwear. I know you want to do xyz but you are going to need underwear. What can we do about that? What don't you like about underwear? So you think something else would work instead?

She may have something she likes. She might want to go shopping. I don't know. But she might if you ask.
posted by AlexiaSky at 9:18 AM on August 17, 2019 [8 favorites]


Would it help if you got her a really really long skirt? Maybe something in light summery fabric, but a dark color?

Also - you can try teaching her to sit and move in ways that make this less of an issue, to be aware of the wind, etc.

Maybe prepare by looking up explanations for why this is necessary -- it can be challenging to explain, I bet.
posted by amtho at 9:18 AM on August 17, 2019 [2 favorites]


Yes, learning how to ride a bike etc with a skirt (so it doesn’t get caught in the chain!) is pretty similar to learning how to not show your butt in a skirt. I’m loathe to encourage the limitation of body movement that already happens socially to AFAB kids but skirt wearing is socially-kinesthetically different than pant wearing (tucking when sitting on the ground, tying between the legs on a bike, being aware of wind direction) and it’s mostly to avoid butt showing, though also for safety reasons. Don’t hover over her choice and actions though—if she’s being considered “oppositional” already, being micromanaged rather than gently educated about how she dresses and sees her body as an object of public concern will become a frustrating power dynamic, which she already has in store from the rest of the world not too long from now.
posted by zinful at 9:34 AM on August 17, 2019 [3 favorites]


We've gone through similar issues. Have you tried explaining to her in a nonaccusatory, matter-of-fact way that it isn't hygienic to wear a short skirt without underwear in public?

IANAD, but the didactic model to talk to defiant children supports acknowledging the validity of their feelings and explaining how a different behavior is required/beneficial.

"I know you don't always like to wear underwear, AND underwear is important to wear in public to keep yourself clean and healthy. Let me know if you'd like to try to wear it so we can go for a bike ride together." And then leave it alone. After a few days of suggestion, she may come around.

Often it's just the first few minutes of wearing a new piece of clothing that are uncomfortable. Maybe something like, "I get that underwear is hard for you to wear, and it's important to keep yourself clean and healthy. Would you try wearing it for a few minutes while we watch a show/play a game/have a snack?"

If she manages to get the underwear on, praise like crazy even if she only keeps it on for a couple of minutes. Make sure the praise is for the present issue and doesn't criticize her for past failings or makes assumptions about the future. "Great job trying the underwear! I'm proud of you for trying something out of your comfort zone." Not "Great job for trying the underwear! That wasn't such a big deal, right? Now if you can always wear it, we'll have so much more fun!"

If you see her often, you or her mother could try a reward system. It's controversial to reward kids for things they "should" be doing, but kids with ODD and ADHD can benefit from a little dopamine boost to encourage beneficial behaviors to develop. Definitely save the sticker chart for a last resort. The best situation is that she equates wearing underwear with a fun outing and that is the reward for the behavior. In the even that she can't get there, a sticker chart reward system could help her get there. Something like wearing the underwear for 10 minutes a day gets a sticker on the chart and if she get 5 stickers, she can get a small reward. If she fills the chart with 25 stickers, she can get a bigger reward. If she manages to make it that far, the underwear will likely no longer be an issue and the chart will faze itself out. I'm happy to talk privately if you'd like any more details.
posted by defreckled at 9:36 AM on August 17, 2019 [13 favorites]


My daughter has sensory processing disorder. When she was that age, clothing from Hannah Andersson was her daily uniform, especially the dresses with their shorts. The fabric is really soft. Their basic shorts are on sale for under $10 now -- you could try those. They also have a "made for play" line with some longer skirts and dresses that may be more appropriate. Explain that "this is a super special twirly dress but you need to wear these soft shorts under it so you can twirl!"
posted by Ostara at 9:43 AM on August 17, 2019 [3 favorites]


The long skirt suggested above seems like the best option - something very similar to the ones she already has and likes, just longer. Flowy pants or baggy shorts might be an option too. Pin on the inside of the skirt isn't likely to be comfortable - I tried something similar once and it created a restrictive effect b/c the skirt wasn't cut to let me move easily with fastening between the legs.

I'd patiently ask her some questions about why she doesn't like underwear to suss out whether there's some kind discomfort or health issue. You could non-judgmentally mention that some people don't like to wear underwear because it rides up, is scratchy, etc.

If you are able to sort out some options, present them in a way that respects her independence. Don't make her feel like she's going to be locked into UNDERWEAR FOREVER if she gives in to just trying it.
posted by bunderful at 9:43 AM on August 17, 2019 [3 favorites]


Sensory issues are incredibly hard. It's overwhelming. For her point of view wearing the underwear is all day discomfort no matter what activity is happening. She can't tune it out, but she can make it go away and that what she is doing right now.

So,, It's really key with children ands issues like this that it isn't a big deal if she doesn't do it. It's factual . it's easy to make these into big disappointments and big deals and it just puts the pressure on the child and then gives so so so much attention when they try to do the thing and if there is any backsliding and kids freeze and fight and it just makes it worse all around .

Kids do feel guilt and pressure and want to please family (even those with behavioral problems). They want to do things and have fun and be and not worry about it too. Be flexible and try to have fun with her even if she can't tolerate underwear right now.
posted by AlexiaSky at 10:01 AM on August 17, 2019 [5 favorites]


I have a 7 year old with mild ASD who can get oppositional. One way to approach this is by setting clear boundaries (you can't be at my house or play with kids on my block without underwear while wearing a skirt) and a positive incentive system for when she behaves the way you want. You can offer the whole range of more comfortable solutions that everyone here as suggested. And then you have to figure out what incentive motivates her - stickers to redeem for money? Points to redeem for a special trip or treat? 15 minutes playing video games? Then you set up a plan where for every 10 minutes she wears underwear, she gets the incentive. You can stack incentives by giving a bigger reward for say a whole hour with underwear. You don't force her to wear underwear, but you have to be firm about the consequences.

Although the sensory stuff may be real, I agree that it's not tenable to have a 7 year old in a skirt with no underwear.

Then you just have to be super super super consistent in following the plan, which is the hardest part!
posted by schwinggg! at 10:30 AM on August 17, 2019 [1 favorite]


clothing from Hannah Andersson was her daily uniform,

Primary.com is a cheaper alternative to Hannah Andersson! They have some comfy looking undershorts that might fit the bill.
posted by schwinggg! at 10:34 AM on August 17, 2019 [2 favorites]


First, know that you're awesome for being such a present, caring auntie. You sticking around through the hard stuff will be something your niece will remember her whole life.

I want to validate your concerns: yes, your niece should be wearing some kind of undergarment; I really disagree with responses that say it's not a big deal. There are many hygiene-related and social reasons for underwear (and, for sure, other kids notice if a peer is not wearing them). That said, the fact that they really bug her is a real deal. If her mom is on board, is it possible for you to take your niece shopping so she can choose the style that looks and feels the most comfortable? What about cartwheel shorts from Target's Cat & Jack as a way to slowly transition to underwear? My kiddo wears them anytime she has a skirt on. Maybe boxer/brief style would feel looser/airier? That said, too many choices can really stress out a kid, so maybe narrow it down to 2-3 and start from there.
posted by WaspEnterprises at 11:18 AM on August 17, 2019 [15 favorites]


If she has sensory issues to underwear, this store makes kids underwear to-order [from little girl’s size 2 to women’s Plus size 16] in organic cotton, and you can ask for all the elastic to be covered so that the elastic can't irritate her skin.

My instructions to get sensitive skin friendly under wear are:
"Custom pattern: all one piece with single layer of fabric at the crotch; latex free with all elastic completely covered; sewn inside out with 100% cotton thread; no label inside."

It's not cheap [$14/pair for kids underwear], but it is the only underwear I have found that doesn't irritate my skin, and I have tried A LOT of underwear over the years.
posted by Murderbot at 11:28 AM on August 17, 2019 [4 favorites]


It will be pants/legging season shortly. I would leave this decision to her Mom.
posted by theora55 at 12:36 PM on August 17, 2019 [1 favorite]


I agree that it isn't worth making a big deal out of the situation, since it will be fall soon enough. In the mean time though, I think it's entirely fair to tell your niece that when she is with you she has a choice between staying home without suitable attire, or traveling to fun places while wearing suitable attire.

However, has mom confirmed recently that your niece will wear suitable clothes for this year's back to school? If so, could you buy another pair of the same pants she has for school, but turn this pair into cutoffs that she can wear when visiting you?

Also, does your niece happen to have a doll that doesn't like to wear underwear either? Perhaps your niece knows why dollie doesn't like to wear underwear....
posted by oceano at 4:58 PM on August 17, 2019 [3 favorites]


Both my daughters didn’t wear underwear with skirts at that age (and actually still don’t unless they have their periods); it is healthier and more hygienic to NOT wear underwear. It is also somewhat common and not really remarked on by kids if there is a little slip - unless the child has been sexualised inappropriately. Any adults who make comments can usually be shut down with “her genitals are none of your business”. (I speak from 15 years experience in schools and 25 years of working with kids - not wearing underwear really is very common). This lack of underwear may not be an issue unless she also has difficulty keeping her skirt down/legs up despite repeated demonstrations and reminders (in which case it may be part of the ODD/negative attention seeking behaviour).

Your concern about your male roommate (who I assume is someone you feel safe with) especially twigs me that this is more about processing your own traumatic experience by being hyperviligent about her underwear. It is wonderful that you care so much, and that you are building a relationship with her that will allow her to turn to you as a source of support. Trust that the role model you are providing will give her resilience in the face of anything that may happen to her. Her lack of underwear is not an invitation to sexual abuse, and wearing underwear won’t magically protect her either. This is not the molehill to die on.
posted by saucysault at 7:20 PM on August 17, 2019 [7 favorites]


My tiny one has sensory issues and underwear choices are now down to Uniqlo's boy boxer-briefs - no tag, they look like shorts and they have wide non-tight elastic bands on the waist and thighs, in soft cotton. They are thankfully cheap.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 8:00 PM on August 17, 2019 [2 favorites]


If she doesn't like underwear marketed at girls, what about trying some styles that are traditionally regarded as being for boys? I'm thinking specifically of boxer briefs, possibly in one size up from what she normally wears. The fit might be more appealing to her. I actually sleep in boxer briefs myself because they're less pinchy around the upper thigh.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 8:40 PM on August 17, 2019 [3 favorites]


My wife (who has sensory issues) wears boy-style briefs inside-out. Seconding thinking way more broadly about what might work.
posted by restless_nomad at 10:43 AM on August 18, 2019 [1 favorite]


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