How to support people with space and actual helpll ?
August 5, 2019 6:08 AM Subscribe
My Bf (26m) came back from a 8 month business trip, I found it hard to connect with him again.
Background:
2018.12 He gave up his 8 years student and change to a different field: went back to his country to pursue his family business.
2019.7 Although he loved and worked so hard for the business, but due to the difficulty to work with his family, he came back to North America, and goalless.
I couldn’t relate to the sufferings of these emotional shifts, but I do know what is it like to be jobless, so I assume this could be part of what is he suffering.
I offered him that he can stay with me ( downtown ) so I can take care him, ( he’s health is not good) he can have better opportunities to look for jobs, and I can help him on immigration stuff.
He refused, said the only thing he want is “a routine” and would prefer find a job nearby in the suburb ( his current place )
I understand, so I tried to find activities to entertain him, he mentioned he wanna go somewhere far but took no interest in any of the provincial parks I recommend ( 4 hrs drive), I recommended horse riding, paddle boarding he again seems very less interested.
Yesterday when I met him, he was down, I can feel he is bored, like hopeless bored, he said this is nothing to do because we have done everything.
I feels like He is done with this city, but trapped here because he doesn’t have support at other places.
I want to offer solid help but all I get from him is that he want spaces, I gave him space 8 months ago for him to pursue whatever he want, and since then I slowly feeling like we are losing connections.
I don’t know what is it like to go through so many changes in such a short period of time, relocation, change of careers, breakups(with his ex 2 years ago ) major health issues.
1. How can I provide my support to him while he giving him space ?
2, If I do nothing and let him explore will be end up no where and more depressed ?
3. What is it like on his side?
Background:
2018.12 He gave up his 8 years student and change to a different field: went back to his country to pursue his family business.
2019.7 Although he loved and worked so hard for the business, but due to the difficulty to work with his family, he came back to North America, and goalless.
I couldn’t relate to the sufferings of these emotional shifts, but I do know what is it like to be jobless, so I assume this could be part of what is he suffering.
I offered him that he can stay with me ( downtown ) so I can take care him, ( he’s health is not good) he can have better opportunities to look for jobs, and I can help him on immigration stuff.
He refused, said the only thing he want is “a routine” and would prefer find a job nearby in the suburb ( his current place )
I understand, so I tried to find activities to entertain him, he mentioned he wanna go somewhere far but took no interest in any of the provincial parks I recommend ( 4 hrs drive), I recommended horse riding, paddle boarding he again seems very less interested.
Yesterday when I met him, he was down, I can feel he is bored, like hopeless bored, he said this is nothing to do because we have done everything.
I feels like He is done with this city, but trapped here because he doesn’t have support at other places.
I want to offer solid help but all I get from him is that he want spaces, I gave him space 8 months ago for him to pursue whatever he want, and since then I slowly feeling like we are losing connections.
I don’t know what is it like to go through so many changes in such a short period of time, relocation, change of careers, breakups(with his ex 2 years ago ) major health issues.
1. How can I provide my support to him while he giving him space ?
2, If I do nothing and let him explore will be end up no where and more depressed ?
3. What is it like on his side?
You can't fix his depression. You could encourage him to seek treatment, but it will be up to him to actually follow through on that.
Ask him what he wants from your relationship. And if all he can come up with is space, maybe it's time to take a break from this relationship and focus on yourself.
(Caveat: If he returned at the end of July and he's still recovering from jet-lag, maybe give it some time. My last long-haul flight (roughly 20 hours) took me more than a week. I just gave zero forks about anything for a while, until my sleep schedule got sorted out.)
posted by bunderful at 6:58 AM on August 5, 2019 [7 favorites]
Ask him what he wants from your relationship. And if all he can come up with is space, maybe it's time to take a break from this relationship and focus on yourself.
(Caveat: If he returned at the end of July and he's still recovering from jet-lag, maybe give it some time. My last long-haul flight (roughly 20 hours) took me more than a week. I just gave zero forks about anything for a while, until my sleep schedule got sorted out.)
posted by bunderful at 6:58 AM on August 5, 2019 [7 favorites]
If this is the same boyfriend as in your previous question... I'm sorry. He is too cowardly to break up because he has a good thing going on re: you taking care of his every need, but he is ready to break up. You cannot fix, manage, or control him. But if you're looking for some help for yourself, you might consider a Codependents Anonymous meeting.
posted by juniperesque at 6:59 AM on August 5, 2019 [21 favorites]
posted by juniperesque at 6:59 AM on August 5, 2019 [21 favorites]
If you weren’t making such an effort would the relationship exist at all? If he never changes - if this is who he is for the rest of his life - do you still want to be in a relationship with him? Are you more focused on his potential and the relationship’s potential than on the reality you are living with?
It doesn’t matter why he is behaving this way - if it is depression it may not be his fault but it is his responsibility to fix. And sometimes having someone willing to “support” you just makes the unmotivated person retreat into doing even less.
So I would raise your expectations of his behaviour and see if he can meet your expectations. It is better for you to have and articulate your needs rather than trying to be an unrealistic “cool girlfriend” who then either becomes resentful or bonsi’s herself away. If he doesn’t want to meet your needs, then the relationship is over, sorry.
posted by saucysault at 7:03 AM on August 5, 2019 [4 favorites]
It doesn’t matter why he is behaving this way - if it is depression it may not be his fault but it is his responsibility to fix. And sometimes having someone willing to “support” you just makes the unmotivated person retreat into doing even less.
So I would raise your expectations of his behaviour and see if he can meet your expectations. It is better for you to have and articulate your needs rather than trying to be an unrealistic “cool girlfriend” who then either becomes resentful or bonsi’s herself away. If he doesn’t want to meet your needs, then the relationship is over, sorry.
posted by saucysault at 7:03 AM on August 5, 2019 [4 favorites]
What are you getting out of the relationship? Do you feel happy and fulfilled? Is he supportive of what it is you're trying to do, and the person you're aspiring to be?
Or is this relationship all about you trying a million different things to make him feel better, without getting much in return? And then constantly worrying about him and how he feels, and what can you change to make him happy, etc?
If he is depressed or having other issues that make him unhappy, you cannot fix it. He has to do that work.
posted by Sparky Buttons at 7:55 AM on August 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
Or is this relationship all about you trying a million different things to make him feel better, without getting much in return? And then constantly worrying about him and how he feels, and what can you change to make him happy, etc?
If he is depressed or having other issues that make him unhappy, you cannot fix it. He has to do that work.
posted by Sparky Buttons at 7:55 AM on August 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
Generally when people are asking for space, they're asking for you to leave them alone. That's how you help, by doing what they ask.
It's hard, I know, when it's obvious he's depressed and could probably use someone's support, but he's a grown adult and if he says he wants space, you have to respect his request. There's nothing you can do to make him not be depressed, that's entirely up to him.
I agree with the idea above that he has already left this relationship. You need to focus on something else besides him. Take care of yourself, leave him to live his own life.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:21 AM on August 5, 2019 [2 favorites]
It's hard, I know, when it's obvious he's depressed and could probably use someone's support, but he's a grown adult and if he says he wants space, you have to respect his request. There's nothing you can do to make him not be depressed, that's entirely up to him.
I agree with the idea above that he has already left this relationship. You need to focus on something else besides him. Take care of yourself, leave him to live his own life.
posted by Lyn Never at 8:21 AM on August 5, 2019 [2 favorites]
He sounds depressed and needs to address that (therapy, lifestyle changes like sleep : exercise : diet, maybe medication). He also sounds like a really passive person in general. In fact I think he’s sort of passively trying to break up with you.
You are treating him like a project, which isn’t a healthy relationship. Ideally you two would share the initiative of finding stuff to do, rather than you taking care of him.
It sounds like you two have a parent / child dynamic... I guess this can work if you don’t want actual children... but if you’re hoping to have actual kids, you will have a better time if you find a partner who can pull their own weight!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:22 AM on August 5, 2019 [2 favorites]
You are treating him like a project, which isn’t a healthy relationship. Ideally you two would share the initiative of finding stuff to do, rather than you taking care of him.
It sounds like you two have a parent / child dynamic... I guess this can work if you don’t want actual children... but if you’re hoping to have actual kids, you will have a better time if you find a partner who can pull their own weight!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 8:22 AM on August 5, 2019 [2 favorites]
Is this the same guy you've posted about before? I skimmed your history and it sticks out to me that he did a slow fade on his ex instead of confronting her and breaking up. I am so sorry, but I think he's doing the same thing to you.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 9:06 AM on August 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by easy, lucky, free at 9:06 AM on August 5, 2019 [1 favorite]
Based on this and other posts, it sounds like this relationship isn't working out. He's possibly depressed but all-in-all it doesn't sound like he is that into this relationship. And moreover, you don't need to be in a relationship where you're taking care of someone this much. If you want to care for something get a pet or a plant!
posted by k8t at 9:10 AM on August 5, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by k8t at 9:10 AM on August 5, 2019 [4 favorites]
Allow me to repeat the exact same advice I gave you a month ago:
...people here have advised you break up with him for six months now. You've asked at least 4 variations of this exact same question and every single time, you're advised to break up. Perhaps you should do some thinking about why you won't and why you're staying in this terrible relationship and asking for advice you're not taking.
Listen to the advice you've been given for six months straight and break up already. There isn't much else anyone can say.
So now it's five questions about the same dude you've been dating for only 6 months. Every question has you asking how you can fix him and can we please tell you what's going on in his head.
I struggle to understand why you're refusing to accept the advice you've been given to break up.
There IS no other advice to give you that is going to make this relationship work. Why are you doing this to yourself?
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 12:22 PM on August 5, 2019 [15 favorites]
...people here have advised you break up with him for six months now. You've asked at least 4 variations of this exact same question and every single time, you're advised to break up. Perhaps you should do some thinking about why you won't and why you're staying in this terrible relationship and asking for advice you're not taking.
Listen to the advice you've been given for six months straight and break up already. There isn't much else anyone can say.
So now it's five questions about the same dude you've been dating for only 6 months. Every question has you asking how you can fix him and can we please tell you what's going on in his head.
I struggle to understand why you're refusing to accept the advice you've been given to break up.
There IS no other advice to give you that is going to make this relationship work. Why are you doing this to yourself?
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 12:22 PM on August 5, 2019 [15 favorites]
When people show you who they are, believe them.
He has repeatedly shown you that he is not a good partner (probably on purpose) and yet you insist to stay with him.
Seriously , ask him if he wants to break up. Because that genuinely seems to be the case.
You said he mentioned that he's bored and wants to go somewhere far, yet he refuses all your suggestions. In other words, he is refusing to do those activities WITH YOU.
There's an Oprah SuperSoul podcast episode called "The Best relationship advice". It's a bit cheesy, but try it out.
posted by Neekee at 1:30 PM on August 5, 2019 [2 favorites]
He has repeatedly shown you that he is not a good partner (probably on purpose) and yet you insist to stay with him.
Seriously , ask him if he wants to break up. Because that genuinely seems to be the case.
You said he mentioned that he's bored and wants to go somewhere far, yet he refuses all your suggestions. In other words, he is refusing to do those activities WITH YOU.
There's an Oprah SuperSoul podcast episode called "The Best relationship advice". It's a bit cheesy, but try it out.
posted by Neekee at 1:30 PM on August 5, 2019 [2 favorites]
"When people show you who they are, believe them."
This. It's time to fade out of his life and figure out who you are without him.
posted by summerstorm at 2:29 PM on August 5, 2019
This. It's time to fade out of his life and figure out who you are without him.
posted by summerstorm at 2:29 PM on August 5, 2019
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by scruss at 6:21 AM on August 5, 2019